Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. [3]


I think I have already suggested you an approach for this task. This is your introduction and it is better you first introduce the background of the issue before stating your opinion on the issue. You should assume that reader does not have any idea about the topic and the intro is the place you need to introduce your topic to the reader.

First, each team sport teaches you to be an effective team member and behave in closework towards a common goal in cooperation with other team members.


.... this one is indeed a too complex sentence for the reader to understand what you try to mean.... do not complicate your ideas by trying to display your vocabulary knowledge. What is most important in writing is clarity. If the reader does not comprehend what you write, then your writing would not be impressive :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL -advices from senior people are more valuable than from people at our age [5]


I feel you have uploaded a wrong topic for this essay .... I cannot find any relevance between that and what you have written below;


You have written about advice received from senior people and the people of your age, but the topic you've quoted in the latter post is something very different to that :(

Admittedly, we share similar experience with our friends at same agethe people of same age more or less share similar experiences and emotional feelings. Opinions from our peers are acceptable, and also we mightdo feel more comfortable to exchange opinionexpress our feelings, opinions and ideas with our friends. However, advicesadvice from peers are hypotheticalmay lack maturity compared to the ones given by experienced senior people.and there is no clues whether if those opinions are helpful.

Writing Feedback / Event letter in ielts exam - "International Day" [3]

I am so pleased to hear thatabout this wonderful event "International Day" whichwillis going to be held next week. I am here to talk about the food and activity I will prepare for that event.(now tell why you think it is an important event)I am sure this event is a necessity for maintaining the cultural harmony and understanding for our diverse student body.

Now tell, how you are going to contribute;
As an international student from ???? (your country) I too wish to add color to this event by making and presenting ???? (some authentic food in your country). Now tell more about this dish :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The increasing demand for oil and gas has made it necessary to look for these sources [3]

This is a good intro, especially in terms of introducing the background of your issue topic. However, since your topic directly asks for your opinion, you better express it before concluding your intro :)

Give more specific examples to support your reasoning :)
You display excellent writing skills. I enjoyed reading your essay. I think you do not have any problem with this task. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the figure reflect equally in subjects related to service community; foreign and UK students [4]


These sections are well structured :) I mean your Introduction and the Overview :)
However, I find your Detailed body paras need more flesh :D
You need to support the trends you describe with the data given by bar charts. You've got to present comparisons there. They certainly need more data and information. If you improve your Detailed paras, I think you can aim at a very good score :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'disaster situations' - todays individuals are becoming more dependent on each other [4]

It seems that people have heavy reliance on othersone another because they have to collaborate with each other(sounds repetitive :( ... )it is easier to tackle tough challenges and issues in some conditionslife , but I do believe that in modern society,with the prevalence of technology , they gradually rely less on each other and lead a mobilemore independent lifestyle.

Good introduction :)


Well, you've got to pay more attention to the issue topic .... you are supposed to talk about whether previous generations had more dependence on each other than the modern people. Always stay focused to your topic requirements.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Finding a good job and increasing the knowledge are the main reasons for study [3]

Pay attention to the structure Audi has recommended to you. It helps you earn a good score while managing your time efficiently at the exam :)

There is no doubt that entering to the university andor college education is very important for many people. There are a lot ofmany reasons that may motivate people to attend a college or university. Some people try to enter to thetake this decisionuniversity to increase their knowledge and others hope to findbetter their chances in finding a job after graduation from the university.

Writing Feedback / Those who are aware of where to go, customs and life are likely to experience satisfactory journey [4]

These days the number of visitors who are travel to foreign countries hashave been markedlysignificantly increased. Culture awareness lead to many benefits as well as there are many problems for those who do not understand culture.cultural differences.

who travel to foreign countries / who are travelers to foreign countries


This body para is pretty good.... very informative

Overall, you need to improve on grammar :) But you have good writing skills and bright ideas, so you've got the potential to improve a lot :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Charity among UK people between 1990-2010 in five age groups [4]

The bar chart showpresents data about the proportion of UK people giving money to charity by age range between 1990 and 2010.

bar chart shows / bar charts show ... pay attention to this grammar fix

You need to pay lots of attention to the approach you have followed for this task. If not you may fall in trouble :(
Write an introduction (should be very brief - What you've done above is fine). Then write an Overview that tells the reader about the major trends of the graph or chart. Here you should not include any details like data,figures or percentages. Then move into Detailed paras where you talk about trends with supporting data.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is necessary for people to choose the appropriate working mode in career growth [2]


Well, I see a difference in what you say by "permanently in the same company" and "not changing the company ". When you say permanently, it does not explicitly refers to what your prompt suggests;


Whether the employee is permanent staff or one on contract, the desire for working for the same company should be the matter of focus in this essay.

Always stay aligned with your prompt :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Gender distribution of teachers in different educational institutions [6]


This is not contributing any value addition to your response. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing capabilities. So, keep your writing very concise and clear. Introduce the graphical presentation very briefly and do not elaborate on that;


.... this is more than enough for the intro :)
Overall, the male teachers held a large share of teaching posts in higher-level institutions whereas female teachers predominated in schools for children. In the institutions for older children and young adults, this rates were more equal.

Well, following the introduction, you need to write an Overview which explains the main trends of your chart. What you've written here is fine, but adopt a more formal reporting tone :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Drivers have to pay a fee for driving in Rush Hour [4]

Started in theFrom the beginning of late eighteenth century, the industrialization and urbanization witnessed thean explosion in number of automobiles.


I feel this is not necessary. The reader anyway expects you to justify your opinion with convincing reasons in forthcoming body paras. Conclude your intro with a statement that clearly expresses your view.

Also, stay more aligned with your topic. The primary focus here is on drivers being charged during rush hours. You need to have more emphasis on that. Be more focused on what your prompt is asking you.

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates as University Professor? - TOEFL Essay [2]


Successful entrepreneurs and sport stars can inspire the lives of many people.

Well, I see you are practicing for TOEFL which is a time bound task. Therefore you need to manage time effectively at the exam. I would suggest you to cut down on introduction in view of suggesting you a more suitable approach to write an effective essay while helping you manage time. Do not have any examples in the intro. Begin your intro with a catchy sentence which is relevant to your topic and also meaningful. Then introduce the background of the prompt, (I mean the issue). The state your opinion very clearly.

I can see you write very well, but focus more on earning points while managing time :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad - Bar chart, Line Graph [5]

As can be seen from theThe data shows that there was a dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad.
This task is about report writing and therefore it is better you adopt a more formal tone that suits report writing.


Here, I have a confusion. What is this 4 million? Is it the annual increment of Japanese travelers? I feel you've got the figures mixed up as I can no where find such 4 million in your bar chart. You've got to be very very careful with figures when you deal with the Detail paras.


However, there had been a slight decline in this trend during the year 1991.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: some people think the government should spend more money on science than art. Do you agree ? [4]


This is actually an example. You should have examples contained in the introduction. Introduction is meant for introducing your topic. The examples should move into your body paras.


.... impressive writing :)

You have excellent writing skills. Pay attention to your essay approach. Include more specific examples in the body paras. You can easily aim at a real good score :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Living away from parents provide youngsters opportunity to meet variety of new people [8]

In recent years, Majormajor cities have seen unprecedented growth (of what? you need to specify! ) and have become land of opportunities for all of us. Consequently,As a result, youngsters from small cities or even from large cities have to relocate themselves for work or studies. This relocation has both advantages and disadvantages, however, overall, I think the advantages are far more thanover weigh the disadvantages.

Undergraduate / My family environment and it's affect on me. They have helped me to become who I am [4]


My family environment played a very big role in shaping me into the person who I am today.


You already said this idea in the previous sentence and therefore this sounds redundant :( Avoid repetition as they tend to make your reader bored.


This one too :( Now tell the reader what is inclusive in your family environment ... Do not repeat the same idea over and over again.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The pie charts indicate different percentages of expenditure on seven items [6]

The pie charts indicate different percentages of expenditure on seven items in US fromin 1966 toand 1996.
You have made a fundamental error there... They give very different interpretations :(


Before coming to this detail paragraph, you should have written an Overview about what these pie charts present. This is what I suggest;
Overall, it can be observed that expenditure on food had drastically come down over the years and it had been replaced by the expenditure on cars.

Once you do the Overview, then you should move into detail paras to discuss trends with more details and figures.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad - Bar chart, Line Graph [5]


This does not have adequate reference to the Japanese tourists to Australia .... I know that is what you tried to mean by saying "these travelers", but wish you had more emphasis on that fact as it is very important.

Throughout the period, more and more Japanese tourists cam visited to Australia which contributed to the increase of the number mentioned above.

This is my suggestion for your Overview;
Overall, the number Japanese tourists visiting other countries has grown steadily during the period under review. It has shown almost a similar trend for the Australian market share of Japanese tourists.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL_inventors and science pioneers always try new things and take risks [2]

Throughout history, there have been many inventions and breakthroughs have inventedmade by brave persons.


Well.... your sentences fail to deliver a clear description of the prompt. The main objective of your introduction is to introduce the prompt to the reader. There is no use of displaying your vocabulary knowledge if you do not fulfill this requirement efficiently. Tell your reader what your topic is about and then state your opinion on that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: public transportation and more flyovers as a solution for traffic congestion [2]

It is true that traffic congestion is now an increasingly serious problem that many major cities have to face with (stop here with a full stop). it It has negative impact not only on individuals but thealso on society as a whole.at large.

Firstly, people should be encouraged to travel byusing public transportationstransportation modes to reduce the number of vehicles on the road.
For allowing that to happen,To promote using public transportation, the governments should provide affordable and comfortable public transportations,transport systems that run efficientlyparticularly 24/24 buses, to meet the needs of the population.public.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: It should be mandatory for every company to substitute their old equipment with new ones. [6]


Well, pay more attention to what your prompt has asked and understand the issue. Then the best way to begin is by paraphrasing the question posed by the prompt if you do not get a very bright catchy idea at once to open your essay. For example;


.... you can consider something like this for a hook, but it is not really necessary. :)


... I did this by paraphrasing the prompt. It is the easiest way to open your essay.
Then you state your view on the issue
All that makes up your introduction :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Some students live in their hometowns, but others in different cities - which do you like? [7]


Well, you can include the full prompt in the post on top of your essay. Many other do that and it is very useful for us to align our comments with what your prompt requires :)

Yes, I think what I guessed your topic to be is wrong ...Now that I know and let see how I can contribute to improve your essay :)


Yes, now I see your sentences are well aligned with the prompt :)


This sentence is pretty long and it disturbs reader's concentration on your writing forcing him to remember lots of details to understand your idea.

Undergraduate / "PERSPECTIVE" - gazing vacantly into the distance. Place where are you perfectly content. [2]


... well, I get confused with the latter part of this sentence. Who expected your to be closer to God? There is a bit of ambiguity I feel there :(

Young Life's weekly meetings set out to be filled with interactive games and song singing- the highlight of my dreaded Mondays.
At the end of each meeting we would all sit on the floor and listen as one of the leaders read to us from the bible and toldtell a very wise and relatablerelating story that gotget you thinking of thoseto contemplate on things you usually want to keep buried in your subconscious.

Writing Feedback / Experience plays an important role in our lives and teach us valuable lessons which help us succeed [5]

It is always good for us to know what the purpose of your writing. (mention that in your post) Generally, we see many essays written on this topic and all of them are for preparing IELTS or TOEFL. If you also wrote this essay for the same purpose, then I stress that you need to work a lot on your essay approach. The issues I find are that your introduction does not introduce the topic to the reader adequately. Instead you express your opinion as you open your essay. Then your body paragraphs are pretty bulky. I have no idea what your purpose had been, however, if this for IELTS or TOEFL, then you may run into lots of problems in terms of managing time for completing the task.

Writing Feedback / Well-known people who do not go away from the converses of people should be always very affluent [3]


Well, it is better if you align your arguments more with the prompt. Your prompt is focused on earnings of professional athletes. Also, popularity is not an adequate reason to justify that, but it should be supported by more convincing reasoning. This is what I suggest;

One considerable argument in support of justifying the soaring earnings of professional athletes is that they have earned fame through many hardships and sacrifices.


They are often heroes and heroines in children's world.

Undergraduate / Merging both medicine and business; doctor - person you dream of becoming - Syracuse Supp [4]

I dream of being a person that helps to shape the future of health care by merging both medicine and business.

This is my suggestion;
My dream is to become someone who has the ability to reshape the future of healthcare using a merged approach of both medicine and business.

Becoming a doctor has always been my passion but I realized that something needs to be done about theimproving the healthcare system.

These patientsPatients whothat have been rushed to the hospital afteras a result of their negligence overneglecting their health issues for years are forced to pay much more than they would have if they had tended totook good care of their well-being sooner.health.

Writing Feedback / Parents teach their children the most important and necessary things; they are the best teachers. [3]


You need to improve the presentation of this sentence. There's lots of redundancy I find there :( This is what I suggest;
Everybody finds many teachers in different phases in life.
When a small child starts growing, his first teachers, his parents, help him learn how to walk.
They define your character in the society.
Focus more on the main idea and try to avoid repetition of ideas.

Writing Feedback / variety is the spice of life - making life worthwhile [4]


Change helps us get rid of the feeling of monotonous and keeps our lives challenged with new beginnings.
forFor example, in the field of fashion, everybody wants to adopt new fashion trends of fashion and in order to remainupdated different fashion magazines and newspapers are followed.stay updated and trendy.

Similarly inthe field ofas far as theknowledge is concerned, inon every stage in life there is a desire to learn new things.

Writing Feedback / New way of communication can lead to some undesirable results by preventing direct social contact [3]


Why do you say "in writer's point of view"? You are the writer and I wish you expressed yourself more directly;
Such changes, in my view, bring about both positive and negative impacts on our social life.
It is very obvious that you have very good writing skills. However, I wish you express your ideas more directly. Also, it is better if you included specific examples for the reasons you used to support your arguments. Examples are an important aspect of this task :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: It should be mandatory for every company to substitute their old equipment with new ones. [6]

As many economiceconomies grew, most of environmentsthey also destroyed the environmenthas been destroyed .


Well, I feel you are not introducing the topic adequately. This is what I suggest;
Art is an important aspect of our lives and so does our environment. A company which is ready to spend money on either supporting art forms or protecting environment, needs to select one of the two choices. In my view, although spending money on supporting towards the development of art is a requirement, without a healthy environment it would be a meaningless effort.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: it is necessary that parents should be obliged to protect their offspring by vaccination [6]


This sentence has several issues that include clarity issues and grammar issues. Let's take this part ;


.... are you talking about "children under ten years" or "children who were born ten years ago" ?
Clarity should have first priority in writing. Make sure your ideas are delivered clearly to the reader.


This sentence is too very long... The reader does not want to memorize so many details in a sentence to get your idea. So, it is better you write shorter sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Athletes are very magnificent and important role models for people in their young ages. [4]


This is a poor beggining :( You should begin your essay with a catchy sentence that is meaningful and relevant to your topic.
My suggestion;
Nowadays, there are many professional athletes who have become the role models for young people.


Well, it is better you come up with such arguments first. I mean, you should open your body para with such argument and then support that with a specific example. That helps you convince your reader better.

Writing Feedback / Bad memories leaves scars in the heart. [4]

Bad memories leavesleave scars in the heart.
Learning from the past have never been a good idea to enlightenmentenlighten philosophers who removed all the old memories of the past ( "old memories" and "past" - sound redundant) which include biasisbiased (no comma) misconceptions and prejudges.

Elie Wiesel, an American-Jewish suffered heavily throughtthroughout the Holocaust.

Writing Feedback / Does a person's character determine that person's success in life ? [3]

He leadled the American nation to prosperity and happiness after suffering from provertypoverty and unemployement .unemployment.


.... The first part disturbs the flow of your idea .... I think you should rephrase this line.
No one also can deny that only self-reliant and iron-will are the two characterscharacteristics that makemade Thomas Alpha Edison asto be one of the greatest scientists of all time.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The Face-to-Face communication makes it easy to understand emotion senses. [3]

AsWith the rapid development of technology, many communication tools makehave made it easyeasier for us to communicate with others.each other.
To begin, Face-to-Face communication is the best way to figure outstrengthenthe interpersonal relationships. People can use their hands and eyes to strengthen talkingexpress their emotions effectively towith others.


... this sentence has lots of grammar errors. You need to pay more attention to grammar. Do not lengthen your sentences as such sentences may get you carried away.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Regulation regarding advertisements' unnecessary impact on people's lives [5]


.... well, I feel the word 'advert" is too informal :(
Advertisements dominate the universe today.
companies make sure that their product advertisements reach out to people (or "reach people") through various communication mediumsmedia (media is the most appropriate usage here which itself is a plural word) such as internet, television, billboards, etc.

Many argue that these advertisements are invaluable with itstheir informative contents, however, it is refuted by some others. Both sides will be critiquedanalysed before a well-reasoned conclusion is found.

Writing Feedback / UK: significant increase in the using of debit cards and a steady rise in the using of credit cards [4]

The graph shows non-cash transactions by method of payment such as debit cards, cheques credit and charge cards in the United Kingdom between from 1991 to 2007.

Ok, this is your introduction. Then how about your Overview? Write an overview which describes the main trends of the graph to give the reader an overall picture about what the graph presents. Do not include any detailed figures or statistics in the overview and limit it to explain the main trends very briefly.

Are you within the required word count for this task? It looks too short for me :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: the part-time job can let students experience the real adult life and know more about it [3]


I don't think this is a very good start ... The first sentence of your introduction, ideally a good hook, should be relevant to your topic. This does not contribute to a meaningful entrance to your essay :(


I guess this is what you are trying to say;
If the students need to face societal challenges better, then they should engage in part-time jobs while studying.
The main issue that I find with your writing is the flow of ideas. You need to organize the flow more logically for the reader to find it interesting.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The earlier ages for learning the second language the better [5]


.... wrong grammar :(
It should be;
every parent / All parents
Nowadays, you can find every parentsparent is looking forward to planning to teach their childrenteaching a foreign language for their childrenatfrom an early ageearly ages.


.... this sentence has lots of grammar mistakes :(
You need to work a lot on your grammar ... My advice for you is to write short and simple sentences until you get a good knack on grammar. Longer the sentence. more the chances for you to make grammar errors :(