Posts by okorobiadimma14

okorobiadimma14

Apr 22, 2017

Scholarship / Details of any other experience/information which you consider relevant to your application [3]

Bolarinwa, while I consider your current draft a slight improvement on your previous post, I must say that you are not there yet. Kindly remove the citations in your first and second paragraphs and do not include any in your subsequent posts, as they are not needed in this kind of write-up. Citing an article in your essay means that there must be a reference section in your draft, in which case it is no longer a statement of purpose for scholarship application. By the way, removing the citations does not mean that your current draft is good to go because it does not truly reflected any professional or college achievements. Stating your position as an Agricultural Officer and general activities of farmers in Ijesha is not enough to convince the reviewer that you the best candidate for the scholarship. Being specific with regard to your achievements in relation to your position could serve as the best approach. As an Agricultural Officer, did you in any way partake in a project (or field activity and so on) that relates to your desired master's qualification? What was the project? What role did you play during the period? Was the project successful or not? How will acquiring this qualification benefit you with regard to improving the project or making it successful (if it failed earlier) and enhance your career progression. In trying to answer the following questions, keeping in mind the previous advice from Mary, I hope you should be able to come up with a draft that would be compelling enough. Please don't use the statement " Allow me to express that I do strongly believe...". The evidence you provided in your statement will do just that for you.

okorobiadimma14

Apr 21, 2017

Writing Feedback / Topic : best way to solve the problem of poverty is to set up businesses with rich countries [2]

Huy, it is usually difficult to tell if your draft has answered the prompt of the essay if we do not know what it states. Always ensure that you post the whole prompt including the question(s) and not just the information provided for the essay. Having said that, I will now give a general assessment of your current post. In the first instance, your essay is short and has failed the 250 minimum word criteria typical of IELTS writing task 2. This would drastically reduce your overall score in the real test. I can understand from your write-up that you are trying to support the idea stated in the prompt. However, your current draft will earn you a low score not more than 4 because your essay does not contain an introduction, as well as lacks proper paraphrasing of the prompt. Usually, this kind of essay should contain an introduction in which the prompt question is paraphrased and an overview of the points to be discussed in the body of the essay is given. In the next 2-3 paragraphs, the ideas highlighted in the introduction are discussed in separate paragraphs and then the essay is concluded in a very concise manner (also paragraphed). So, as your current essay has just two paragraphs, it is poorly developed and would fetch an undesirable score. The points you raised are commendable but lack of introduction and incomplete elaboration are the key problems of your current draft. Altogether, your sentence construction is admirable although you need to keep practicing so as to improve your writing skills in all ramifications.

okorobiadimma14

Apr 21, 2017

Speeches / How to choose your job - presentation [2]

Nguyen, your current draft is way far from what a speech should be. A speech starts with a brief introduction of the topic in question. The next paragraphs would then discuss the ideas in the introduction and followed by the concluding remark. However, it is important, based on your poor background of English Grammar, that you first avail yourself of materials that will help you to learn the use of English Language. This is because even if you get the right format of speech writing from here, you will still need to improve your English grammar so as to draft a compelling speech. Right now, you have to engage in constant practice of grammatical structures in English while trying your hand in speech writing skills.

okorobiadimma14

Apr 21, 2017

Writing Feedback / Writing Task I People living in three different countries of U.S. [3]

Ahmad, it would serve better if you post the whole prompt of your essay alongside your draft so that we will know the basis upon which your response is assessed. That said, I will assess your current draft in hope the the prompt takes similar format of the Writing task 1 question. It is important to be careful when paraphrasing the prompt of your essay so that you do not end up changing the entire idea or information in the graph or chart provided. The task 1 is usually a test of your ability to factually interpret, summarize, compare and/or contrast between the information provided. The paraphrase employed in your current draft did not go well with the information in the prompt, probably due to wrong choice of word. You could improve the current opening statement, if you do not want to change it entirely, by starting the statement as follows: 'The line chart presents the alteration in...'. You can join the first and second supposedly paragraphs (which they are not) so as to create a real paragraph since they are somewhat introductory. You were not able to put what you have mind on paper in the third paragraph. 'Rate' can not be used for human. It is wrong to say 'rate of people' but you can say 'rate of population growth'. 'Quantity' as an adjective can not be used to qualify 'people' as in '...quantity of people' but 'number of people' is usable. You also did not include an important and obvious feature on the chart which is relative similarity in growth rate of the population in Yamhill and Colombia compared to that of Washington. Overall, your essay met the 150 minimum word criteria and I must commend your ability to capture the information in the chart. You only need to keep practicing so as to learn more on how to communicate your interpretation to the examiner.

okorobiadimma14

Apr 20, 2017

Writing Feedback / Topic: key problems facing the world's cities in the 21st century and solutions [2]

Micol, the prompt of your essay does not in any way imply argumentative essay, therefore, the word 'argue' in your introductory paragraph is not necessary. The second paragraph is not coherent enough. Usually, the first sentence of paragraphs other than the first paragraph in this type of essay is a topic sentence that introduces the point or idea which is elaborated in the next 2-3 sentences. Of course, the point or idea in question must have been introduced in the first paragraph; the introductory paragraph. So, considering your second paragraph, I could see 'pollution' and 'overcrowding'. It would serve best if you discuss only 'pollution' in the context of the problem facing urban cities and not both.. Even if you want to mention 'overcrowding', your expression should reflect how it contributes to pollution in these cities and not stating it the way you did in your current draft. Since you were particular about air pollution, as depicted in the opening paragraph, your discussion should address it and not pollution in general. Also, it is better to develop paragraphs that reflect all the problems first, followed by the solutions and then conclusion. Your current draft alternates problem and solution from second to fourth paragraphs and that's not what the prompt required. The prompt asked you to state 'what can be done about them'. This means that you should talk about the problems and then suggest what the solutions could be. Avoid using vocabularies that would make your points to be unclear to the reader ( see ...becoming concrete jungles overwhelming by smog in due to...). The highlighted expression renders the point in your second paragraph somewhat ambiguous. Overall, for a starter, your sentence construction and grammar is admirable. You only need to improve on that by engaging in more practices.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 31, 2017

Graduate / 'Exceptional learning program' SOP for MS in Cyber Security Program(MSIT) / CMU [5]

Rahul, I need you to clarify an expression in paragraph 4 (paragraph 2 of your reviewed draft based on Holt's advice) of your first post;"During graduation some the subjects...". You need to reconstruct that sentence because "basics of Cryptography" is a subject and not subjects. That part does not really reflect what you had in mind, so adjust it accordingly.

In your revised draft, you only have two paragraphs (2nd and 4th). The other two are not paragraphs as they fail to meet the minimum of 3 sentences typical of a paragraph in English Grammar. Always remember this rule when drafting an essay in paragraphs. If you want to use "IoT" as an acronym for Internet of Things, you must represent it in parenthesis immediately after the full expression as in 'Internet of Things (IoT)'. Also, avoid using '&' in place of 'and' because that would make your essay to taper towards an informal write-up. The points in paragraph 2 of your revised draft can further be strengthened if you could strongly link them to your experience as an Enterprise System Architect (ESA) and then suggest how acquiring knowledge and skills you mentioned in your supposedly paragraph 3 would help in your professional career. That way, the purpose of your study would be clear enough. That is why it is called 'a Statement of Purpose'. The link could come as a problem you encountered as an ESA which insecurity was the major reason. Just find a way to connect your plan of study to your experience. You will make it even stronger by stating the rationale behind your moving into a new field. All these will reflect purpose in the long run.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 23, 2017

Writing Feedback / Writing 2: Computers replacing teachers / Money Education [2]

Arlenliu, it is of utmost importance that you post the exact prompts of your essay alongside your draft so as to avail to us the basis upon which your write-up would be evaluated. It is usually difficult to tell if a prompt has been answered when, in the first place, the prompt was posted. Having said that, I will give a general review of your essay. A common rule for this kind of essay is that the topic question must be paraphrased in your opening statement. Right now, I cannot tell if you properly paraphrased the topic question of your essay or not. The next thing to do (still in the introductory paragraph) is to develop a thesis statement that highlights what you will discuss in the body of your essay with respect to the requirements of the prompt. Then pick each topic highlighted in the opening paragraph and discuss them one after another in separate paragraphs, 2-3 paragraphs are sufficient. After that, conclude your essay in a concise manner. I can tell from your current draft that you understand the requirements of the prompt. However, your English grammar is very poor and it hinders the cohesiveness and coherence of this version of your essay. Kindly get yourself some English grammar materials that will help you to improve in that regard and imbibe constant practice. That way, you will surely improve faster than you can imagine. I must say that your conclusion is typical of what is expected in this kind of essay.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 23, 2017

Writing Feedback / Convenience food / city people for writing IELTS task 2 [2]

Heru, your essay failed to answer the prompt as it seems you did not understand the requirements of the essay. In the first instance, you are expected to paraphrase the topic question in your introductory paragraph and develop a thesis statement which agrees or disagrees with the premise depicted in the prompt. The thesis statement gives an overview of what the reader will expect in the 2-3 paragraphs which form the body of the essay. The next line of action is to develop the points that are captured in your thesis statement. Each point is discussed in a separate paragraph accordingly with examples where necessary. Having developed your thesis statement, you are expected to conclude your write-up in a concise manner without further explanations. Your current draft shows that you have a very significant weakness in English Grammar. I suggest you acquire some English Grammar texts and other related materials that will help to enhance your sentence construction and grammatical accuracy. Right now, this essay will not fetch you any score more than a 3.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 23, 2017

Scholarship / Master TESOL - special subjects or skills that you would like to include in your choice? - AAS Essay [3]

Dany, your second paragraph does not meet the minimum of 3 sentences typical of a paragraph. I suggest you make it up, provided you do not exceed the word limit allowed for your essay, or incorporate it in the first paragraph since you did not introduce any new idea in that paragraph. Remove the 'however' in the third paragraph so that the sentence would read "...an English teacher, I feel..." . This is because the transition phrase, 'Even though', does not require 'however' - another transition word in the same sentence. Delete 'These' and use the singular form 'This' in the last sentence of your essay.

If you are sure that CELTA course is one of the special subjects that are attainable in your chosen university, I suggest you talk about it immediately in your opening statement. Let it form part of your thesis statement. Explain how it will avail to you the experience you mentioned earlier and what benefit the skills will be for you. Some of these information are already in your current draft. All you need to do is to re-organize them appropriately and then include those that relate to CELTA course. If you still have more word limit to your advantage, break paragraph one into two separate paragraphs so that the first paragraph will contain your thesis statement, while the second will explain the points further. If not, then effect the little adjustments I highlighted above.

I do not have clear understanding of what you meant by the statement, "...in the same area with the universities". The fact that you introduce new information in your new draft makes your essay more confusing to the reviewer. Why do you choose to introduce new idea in your essay when you are not meant to rewrite the whole essay? It makes me think that you have not really given good thought to which special skills you desire for yourself, thus making it difficult for us to create a version of your essay that can be used already. That said, I assume that you have finally made up your mind on what you want and you will not introduce new ideas in your next draft. You have stated in your current draft that you want to acquire skills that will help you to teach students with Autism. This information has to appear in your introductory paragraph. Also, do not not say 'CELTA or ICELT', it means you are not sure what you want. You must choose either of the two. The four paragraphs in this draft have four main points in the topic sentences namely: CELTA program, how immigrants are taught English in Australia, subject on Supporting Supporting Students with Autism, and language school management skills. These are the main focus of your current draft and here are my pieces of advice:

1. Create an introductory paragraph that highlights these subjects and skills you hope to acquire. This will form your thesis statement which tells the reviewer what to expect in the next paragraphs.

2. Discuss the subjects and/or skills and tell the reviewer what difference the knowledge will make in your career and how they will help you to contribute in your country. Find a way to connect your points in paragraphs. Then conclude your essay. If the word count is insufficient for your points, I suggest you select two most important skills or subjects and then talk about them. By the time you create a useful draft, I will then work on the grammatical errors. If you want me to continue to advise you on this thread, do not introduce new ideas in your next draft apart from what you have now.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 23, 2017

Scholarship / Stuned scholarship: review (academic reflection) [2]

Momot, your current draft failed to impress the reviewer because you are not answering the prompts and there are lots of typos in this essay.

This version is not only difficult to read, but also lacks fluidity as the reviewer finds it difficult to grasp the impression you are trying to make because your current draft lacks organisation. Firstly, your paragraph one could not establish the reason you chose to apply to the program. Are you certain that the reviewer knows what 'BPJS kasehatan' stands for? I suggest that you find a way to tell the reviewer in clear terms what that term connotes and what problem you identified in healthcare business, with respect to your professional experience, which prompted your desire to acquire advanced knowledge in your chosen program. If you do that successfully, you shall have been able to establish the rationale behind your choice of program.Then talk about how your professional experience culminate into certain goals you hope to achieve and how your chosen program will help you to achieve this goals. Having done that, tell the reviewer how you intend to apply the knowledge and skills you would gain, through your studies, in Indonesian development. The last prompt is an opportunity for you to sell yourself to the selection committee Tell them something unique about you that makes you more deserving for the scholarship. Try to connect your ideas using transition sentences and ensure your proofread your new draft before posting it here so as to avoid unnecessary typographic errors that would render your essay incoherent. Right now, this version of your essay cannot be used in any capacity if you really wish to win the award.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 21, 2017

Writing Feedback / The first day of learning oral English [4]

Zona, I can understand this is your first post in this forum. Welcome to EssayForum! We will do our best to offer the best advice and assistance the will improve your writing skills in the long run. However, you have a huge role to play in that whenever you create a thread for your essay, you must post the prompt (that is the topic questions) of the essay alongside your draft. By doing that, you will have availed to us the basis upon which your write-up would be evaluated. Right now, it is hard to describe your current post. It is too short to be an essay and it is not a poem either. Kindly post the prompt immediately so that I can offer a befitting advice to you with respect to the requirements of the essay. Be rest assured that you will be properly guided within the remit of the free advice for this thread. You still have one more chance to receive my free advice herein. I will give further assistance to you on this thread as soon as you post the prompt.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 21, 2017

Scholarship / Financial Statement for Scholarship - Finishing Studies [2]

Nicole, It is essential that you include the exact prompt of your essay in your post so that it will receive the necessary constructive review. Right now, it is difficult to advise you on your current draft with respect to the requirements of your essay. However, on a general note, your essay did not tell the reviewer about your financial need in clear terms. Your opening statement discusses your long-term goal which is not necessary in this essay, except the prompt says otherwise. You should tell the reviewer what constitute your financial need and the efforts you have put-in to help yourself and what difference the scholarship would make for you if you are successful. I suggest that you build a thesis statement in your opening paragraph telling the reviewer how exchange control policy has affected your ability to complete your studies. Describe the situation and tell the reviewer what you have done to surmount the challenge and the limit to your efforts and what difference the scholarship would make for you. Also, write in paragraphs. Your current draft is not properly paragraphed as the supposedly paragraphs do not match the criteria. A paragraph must contain at least three sentences.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 21, 2017

Dissertations / A completed literature review with a thesis proposal? [8]

Literature review is an essential part of a proposal and research works in general. This is because there is really no alien field of study. Your research must have a link directly or indirectly with an existing knowledge, otherwise it would be very difficult to justify why your are delving into it in the first place. If there are no literature reviews, researchers would end up spending time and resources in a research which objectives have been achieved by other researchers elsewhere. Although it is a demanding adventure, a well drafted literature review will add credence to your proposal especially when it is meant to attract grants. It helps to ensure that you are not working on already published articles.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 21, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Is it useless to keep traditional skills and ways of life? [4]

Wismoyo, there is problem with the paraphrasing in your opening statement. It is not well structured that is why the thesis statement of your essay is not obvious in the first paragraph. Considering the prompt, the first sentence, 'When a country...', is a premise. It is an authoritative statement; more like a fact. The second sentence, 'It is pointless...', is the real gist of your argument where you are required to agree or disagree but not to agree and disagree. Your second paragraph reads as though your are agreeing that it is of no use to preserve the conventional way of life, while the third paragraph agrees that preserving the traditional way of life is needful (that is disagreeing with the opinion that "it is pointless..."). These conflicting ideas were the reasons you could develop any of the points in details with examples. I suggest you either agree and develop points to buttress your school of thought for the opinion or disagree and still tell the reviewer why your argument is against the opinion. Remember that the opinion is "it is pointless..."

okorobiadimma14

Mar 21, 2017

Scholarship / Business Information AAS - How did you choose your proposed course and institution? [3]

Mizana, kindly post the prompt of your essay as it is difficult to offer a plausible review of your current write-up without any information as regards the prompt. Having said that, I will now give a general review of your current post. Your current draft does not look like an essay meant for master's program in any capacity. It failed the 5 paragraph write-up typical of general essays as there is just one paragraph in what you posted. Essays are not written in bullet points, they are drafted in paragraphs. I advise that you check other reviewed essays in this forum before making a new draft. I hope it will guide you on how to write a paragraphed essay. Also, post the prompt of your essay alongside your new draft. That way, I would be able to give your work the required attention. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to advise you on this thread as you have exhausted your free advise for this thread. Create an 'Urgent' thread for further advise on your new draft.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 11, 2017

Scholarship / Home benefits; being in a position to assist my country, Nigeria (Commonwealth shared scholarship). [5]

Chinwedu, I understand that this particular scholarship supports some selected taught Master's courses. Perhaps, you may have received an academic offer from your chosen university without sending-in a proposal for your thesis research which, in terms of taught Master's courses in most UK varsities, is possible. If that is the case, I suggest you create a research proposal in an area of Public Health that addresses a specific problem malaria has caused in your country which the government has taken cognizance of. As you have been rightly advised, it will enhance your ability to precisely draft a plan of study that tends towards a development need.

For instance, let's assume that malaria is a health issue of public concern in your country. Who does it affect most; children, pregnant women, elderly men or women? Does it worsen another ailment or lead to other physiological disorder at certain stages, does it cause an infection to proliferate, and so on. Which of these probable instances has the government of your country made a case of national concern and/or established a programme or project to tackle. From these lines of thought, you could come up with specific problem that made malaria a health issue of public concern and then tell the reviewer how your course will avail you the knowledge and skills to contribute in tackling this problem. Surely, this should reflect in your research proposal even though you may not have submitted any at the time you applied to the program.

One thing with being specific is that it will make it easier for you to state the outcome of your work and how the possible impact of your work could be measured. By the time you create a thesis statement, as Holt rightly pointed out, which relates to a development need in respect to your plan of study, then the rest of your essay will flow along in that direction. It is usually better to identify a problem than problems because you alone cannot solve all the health cases that have a link with malaria as stated in the instances above. Note that the examples of malaria cases cited earlier are only meant to help you think outside the box while drafting your revised essay.

As regards your course modules, I don't think the word count would be sufficient for you to state how each course will help you achieve your aim. I am afraid that might take your attention away from the main thing. Since the prompt question asks how your plan of study relates to a development need in your country, I suggest that you select just few that relate to your thesis statement, and talk about the skills they will avail you with regard to the problem you have identified. This is because, being taught Master's course, the program may have a lot of modules including optional subjects. You can imagine the number of sentence lines you would create if you discuss each module. I think you should cite your modules but not all of them.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 10, 2017

Scholarship / I intended to be Lecturer but my ambition is to conduct researches - KGSP program application essay [6]

Maria, other parts of the application form contain your name, so there is no need introducing yourself in your opening statement. The first prompt of your essay requires that you tell the reviewer how your parents' guide shaped the person you are today. How has their philosophy influenced your view of life? Tell the reviewer about your academic background and relate it to your hopes and wishes with respect to the person you want to become in the future.

Since you are applying for a master's program, you should limit your educational experience to the most recent qualification which, in this case, is your BSc. Talk about the course you studied and how your tutors predisposed you to the professional plan you look forward to. Create a separate paragraph where you have to discuss your professional (work) experience. Mention the company, organization, or firm that employed you and summarize your role. At this juncture, you should tell the reviewer how your professional experience inspired you to go for a higher qualification. State in clear terms what motivates you to apply to the KGSP program. Finally, in another separate paragraph, tell the reviewer why you chose to study in Korea; what motivates you; your expectations as regards your program and the person you wish to become.

If you write your essay with these suggestions in mind, you will surely come up with a better essay. Right now, you essay is not good for a starter. I advise that you look at other related essays that have been reviewed in this forum and then use them as templates to draft yours but do not copy their write-up.

okorobiadimma14

Mar 7, 2017

Scholarship / Culture Consume. KGSP Graduate Program - essential jigsaw for my career. Self-Introduction Letter [3]

Niranya, the first sentence in your essay is strong enough to capture the attention of the reviewer, however, the rest of the sentences, I am sorry, do not buttress your opening statement..Rather than going way back to your kindergarten age, why don't you cite your high school experience. Develop specific points about the fierce competition in gaining admission into the boarding school you made reference to in the 1st paragraph and then tell the reviewer what made you outstanding during this period. You may bring in the 3.5 grade point achievement but throw more light on how you got there. In your second paragraph, be specific about what informed your choice of Sociology as against Economics which you were more conversant with. Develop your points towards that line.

Create a paragraph (probably paragraph three) that will elaborate these points:
With the research studies that I need to conduct, [....], and one of them was Cultural Difference in Vietnam. These could serve as good experience if you can be specific on your roles and achievements as regards the 2012 flood in Thailand. Connect the experience to your motivation to explore cultural differences in Vietnam and integrate the whole points to the need to advance your career in Sociology at KGSP. Tell the reviewer what you are bringing to the table if you are offered an opportunity into the program. Your 4th paragraph should address your future career plans and how Sociology qualification would help you to achieve this plans. After that, you can create a compelling concluding paragraph.If you follow these guides, I believe that you will create a better essay than what you have now and then we can continue from there.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 14, 2017

Writing Feedback / Today's kids ailments same like among adults. The example - obesity. [12]

Sara, I might be able to give some suggestions and the tips I used to obtain IELTS high band score. However, I want to know something, why are you particular about writing? Are you already good to go in the other components (i.e Speaking, Reading and Listening)? Also, the 5.5 band you mentioned, is it your overall score or just your score in writing component?

Respond to this questions so that I would know which tip I would make available for you.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 14, 2017

Undergraduate / My dream school. The spirits of MIT's community is unlike anywhere else [5]

Atia, your response really shows that you did not understand the prompt and, of course, it is impossible to answer a question you lack understanding for. The reviewer wants to know why, amidst other perfectly qualified applicants as you are, he/she should choose you. So, the 'why' should be answered in terms of what you want to do in the future after your studies and how MIT align in such plan. Align simply means how MIT will help you to achieve the future goals. Therefore, having given you the privilege of choosing from any of academic, professional, extracurricular, and personal goals, the reviewer seems to have availed you the opportunity of discussing various choices of future goals, provided it indicates how MIT aligns with it. For instance, if MIT is particular about Chemical and Mechanical Engineering, it would be wrong for you to discuss your professional plan of designing the first historic monument in you local community whereas you developed a flair for innovations in chemical production during your extracurricular activity. In this case, developing a future goal from your extracurricular experience will show better alignment with MIT's areas of research focus than that of your academic plan. Consider the example above as a tip that tends to spur you to think outside the box while drafting your goals with regard to MIT's alignment.

Also, since you have only 200-250 words at your disposal, it will help you better if you go straight to the point. Introduce your plan in the very first sentence of 1st paragraphs. Describe this plan in the next 2-3 sentences of the first paragraphs, it could be up to 4 sentences depending on your point and length of these sentences. In the second paragraph, talk about how MIT fit in the points enumerated in the first paragraph. Conclude your essay in the third paragraph by summarizing your points in three very short sentences. That way, you will surely come up with a strong and better essay than you what posted earlier.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / Today's kids ailments same like among adults. The example - obesity. [12]

Sara, while you did marvelously well in answering the prompt, I just have few observations to make. Also, spending more time to walk to go to the school instead of regularly driving the cars to take and put children, children can have exercise. Rephrase this statement so as to portray what you really meant to say.

For increasing the number of children having these diseases, spending some time to have physical movement and providing some healthy food can prevent this problem. This statement is contradicting. Cross check your original draft.

It is obviousthat many junk food and prepared food are easy found, which have many high Cholesterols.

Apart from these points I signified, I think you did well in arranging your paragraphs.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 13, 2017

Graduate / Goals to implement; being professional means being successful [5]

Liyan, it would serve better in terms of reviewing your essay if you could post the prompt(s) exactly as it is in the scholarship form. It will assist me in evaluating if your essay answer's the prompt or not. Well, if the prompt on your post is similar to that of the form, I will proceed to giving a general review based on the content of your essay. To you, your essay contains nine paragraphs but to the rule of English grammar, it only has four paragraphs. A paragraph in English grammar must contain at least 3 sentences, otherwise it can not be referred to as one. Generally, essays contain 5 paragraphs: 1st paragraph contains the introduction, 2-4th paragraphs are the body of the essay, while the 5th paragraphs is the conclusion. I do hope that by now, you should have known the error in your essay based on what I have explained so far.

I am sorry to say that the future plan in your essay fails to properly answer the prompt. Your desire to be employed at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs is not a detailed and specific plan for a master's qualification holder. You should think of specific plan that relates to the course you studied. State this plan and how you intend to achieve it, comment on any obstacle that seemingly might affect the success of the plan, and how you intend to surmount the obstacle. Develop your paragraphs discussing such points in the form of a story. You have not really said anything in relation to your future plan. That is why your essay fails to answer the prompt.

While you major your plan on being an employee in a government agency, it makes me think: what if you are rejected. Does it mean that your future plan has ended. That is why a typical plan should be problem-solving based. It may be drawn from your past or present work experience, extracurricular activity, voluntary activity or other related adventures that would have direct or indirect link to the course you studied. I suggest that you make a trip down the memory lane and then come up with a stunning future plan. After this step, revised your essay while describing your new plan and then re-post the revised essay here.

I assure that we will see to it that your essay turns out fine.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 13, 2017

Essays / Long essay structure for Eisaku Sato Essay Competition [7]

Messal, in addition to the laudable advice you have been enriched with, I would like you to look closely at the key words in the prompt of the essay. Such key words as world's demography, growing population, low fertility, ageing, explosion of unemployed youth, pressure on social security system, rise in generational conflict, and demographic tsunami could act as templates while creating outline for your discussion, as well as sourcing for research materials that would substantiate your argument. This is because your headings and subheadings should, in one way or the other, relate to these key words. Another important reason for taking this step is that it will help you when outlining the points to answer the two significant questions in the essay prompt.

For instance, if your answer to the question "how should UN cope with such demographic changes" discusses world's banking system, it must be in relation to one or more of these key words. You may discuss a point on ageing in terms of how, in a bid to maximize output, pharmaceutical industries enhance certain food supplements that initiate ageing on individuals in their late 30's or early 50's; then while taking about the role of UN, you might highlight how world policy on drug production could address the issue(note that this example is a hypothetical statement). That way, you will be able to build your outline of discussion in synchrony with the causes and/or results of demographic tsunami as represented in the prompt.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 12, 2017

Scholarship / National Talent Search Examination - Experience of Lifetime - NTU Scholarship [5]

Aayush, I notice that you have started a thread already on this same NTU application. In this forum, to achieve a progressive review of your post, you need to keep posting a revised draft in the same thread where its review started. Having said that, I wish to commend your NTSE experience. However, you did not really make a strong case with that experience. It is really nice that your 1st and 2nd paragraphs revolve round the NTSE experience, it shows that you have an idea of how to make your essay to tell a story. But for your story to turn out fine, you need to organize your points. You do not need to start describing NTSE scheme as you did in paragraph one. Use those words to describe how you prepared for the exam, what you found to be particularly challenging, and how you conquered the challenge to secure 1st rank in the state.

The prompt also requests you to make reference to your CCA interest. In Singapore, CCA (Co-curricular activity) is an integral part of their educational system. So, if you have any experience with CCA otherwise known as extracurricular activity, you might want to describe it especially if it would add more value to NTU community than your NTSE stuff. If not, continue the use of your NTSE experience but develop the points so as to enhance coherence while telling your story. You are doing great already. You just need to make it better.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 12, 2017

Scholarship / My advantage of smooth communication and collaboration. Chevening Leadership & Influence Question [6]

Taekeun, you should be aware that all scholarships are very competitive especially those that have broad range of applicants like Chevening Scholarship Scheme. This means that the reviewers are faced with hundreds of thousands of applications world wide to review. Good a thing, Chevening is a little bit regional in terms of their application policy. I don't mean to scare you but I really want you to know the secret behind the need to develop a specific leadership experience, as pointed in the previous discussions, rather than listing them as in a resume.

Your essay is more captivating when it tells a story than when it appears as a piece of information in a newsletter. You can only be able to develop an interesting story if focus on one stunning leadership experience you have had in the past. A story developed around how you saw a need or problem, analyzed the problem, proffered solution, negotiated the implementation of the solution, the challenges involved, how you surmounted the challenge, and if possible, the life lesson(s) the whole scenario taught you is the real gist that would make your application to stand out. By the time you tactically develop paragraphs that discussion these points, and connect them accurately and coherently to have fluidity in a rather passionate manner, your essay will engage even a very tired reviewer to keep wanting to know what happened next until the conclusion of the essay.

So, you have to revise your draft and let's see what you've got. You really have good paragraph developing skill and I like the fact that you seem to have a good foundation in English Language. That's great!

You should leverage on that skill and let us build a strong and competitive essay.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 12, 2017

Scholarship / What are your plans when you finish your studies - essay for Master Degree in TESOL [10]

Dany, you should consider the fact that 500 characters is quite different from 500 words. Here, the prompt is pretty word sensitive and as such, you must not spend the words on irrelevant points. You should attack the prompt from the onset of your starting sentence. As you have been rightly advised in the previous review, be specific about what you plan to do. Due to the few words at your disposal, which the reviewer is also aware of, I would like to advise that you think of one remarkable thing you can do on your return to your country with respect to the course you studied. State it as your topic sentence (i.e the very 1st sentence of your essay) and then elaborate on it. That way, you would be able to immediately engage the reviewer with your post study plan, while judiciously utilizing the few characters in telling a brief story.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 11, 2017

Graduate / LSE. You must present a personal statement with your application form, between 1,000 and 1,500 words [2]

Zak, first of all, I want to welcome you to Essay Forum and I do hope that you will be happy with our efforts in reviewing your essay in the long run. You really must be ready to write severally so as to effect the changes that would be pointed out in respect to current draft.

If the prompt you posted are the only parts you are expected to discuss in 1000-1500 words, it means that you must approach your essay with high level of organisation of ideas, otherwise, to a reviewer, it would be as boring as the current draft. It is difficult to read your current essay because it lacks fluidity, contains lots of punctuation errors, unnecessary vocabularies, and devoid of organisation of ideas. This is part of the reasons your current draft is not really answering the prompt. You have a lot points but they are not appropriately developed and organised to answer the prompt in a coherent manner.The prompt contain three key contents which I would like to highlight in bullet points (paraphrased) for clarity:

Describe your academic interests
Describe your purpose of undertaking graduate study
Describe your objectives in undertaking graduate study

You will agree with me that if you do not plan how to develop your ideas, you will definitely run out of points to put down on paper because 1000 words are a whole lot to deal with in few prompts. It is like giving more words than required, so the onus is on you to develop points clearly and interestingly in other to attain the word count without meandering or twisting points, while engaging the reviewer to keep reading your essay.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 11, 2017

Writing Feedback / In industrial society nowadays, many children are suffering from obesity and it is a serious problem [5]

Mai, IELTS is a very technical Test of English of Language and as such, should be given proper attention during practice, especially by bilingual individuals. The task 2 of writing component of IELTS is used to test your ability to communicate your ideas in writing while heeding the rules of English Grammar. Usually, a model answer to this part of the component should contain only 3-4 paragraphs and that should yield at least 250 words in 40 minutes: as required. Your essay is almost 350 words. In the real test, writing 500-750 words that are not properly structured will earn you nothing but a very low score.

It is a rule of thumb that by the time you develop 3-4 paragraphs of at least 3 sentences each, you shall have hit 250 words or more. A good and perfectly structured 250-255 word essay is far better than 350-500 word essay that contains avalanche of errors. Remember that in the real test, you must write in such a manner that you would have time to review your essay before the elapse of allotted time. Having said that, I want you to examine a model answer to IELTS writing task 2 and take note of how the ideas in the essay are developed.

paragraph 1 = Introduction that gives an overview of the points/ideas that the essay will elaborate on.
paragraph 2 = first point starts with a topic sentence and then 2-3 subordinate sentences
paragraph 3 = second point unfolds in similar pattern as in paragraph 2.
paragraph 4 = conclusion summarizes the points in 2&3 and then makes suggestions where necessary.

Depending on how your points are developed, the paragraphs may be 3 in number accordingly. If you have this in mind while practicing, I promise you that you will improved beyond your imaginations. You can create topic questions by yourself and try answering the prompts after which you give it to others to review or you can post it here.

I hope to see improved essays from you.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 11, 2017

Graduate / Like potato chips - you can never have just one. SCAD Graduate Admissions Essay for Animation [4]

Colinda, I would like to say that your approach to sentence construction is awesome. This means that if you heed to suggestions and comments you receive from this forum, your essay will surely hit a competitive landmark. Having said that, I want to draw your attention to the prompts of your essay. I wish to break them down (paraphrased) in power point.

The statement must:
} contain an overview of applicant's academic and professional accomplishments,
} demonstrate a high level of applicant's interest in the discipline,
} show applicant's highly developed understanding of the discipline,
} illustrate applicant's knowledge of the discipline, approach to past work, qualifications for graduate study, intended focus, and
} personal and professional goals.

Frankly speaking, Colinda, the reviewer expects you to address all the points listed above within the remit of 500-750 words with specific examples where necessary. So you see, it is better to start answering to the prompt from the onset of your essay. You should do this in a clear but tactical terms. Use transition sentences to connect ideas and/or paragraphs chronologically. For instance, it would be very wrong for you to start writing about your wonderful personal and professional goals when you have said nothing about your academic background and/or professional accomplishments. As pointed out by Mary Rose, you have to describe any experience you acquired during your undergraduate program: internship, Industrial training, field experience and others. You can make a good case that would fit-in as professional accomplishment.

Overall, let your essay depict an applicant with a strong, specific, and realistic personal and professional goals.
Don't say that your goal is to create an animation that would jump out of a computer screen and begin to say 'Hi' to everyone. That would be hilarious.

I can assure you that you really have what it takes to produce an essay that will compete vigorously with others during the selection process.

I hope to see an improved draft showing all the parts pointed out here already.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 10, 2017

Writing Feedback / To purchase either a house or a business is the question [8]

Nora, IELTS task 2 is an essay that requires technical and not mechanical approach. Considering that applying for the test require a huge some of money, you need to give it your best so as to avoid the risk of not meeting the TESOL requirement of your institution or organisation, thus spending unnecessarily for several sittings. If you are careless during drafting your essay, it will reflect in your overall score.

Basically, in the task 2 of writing component of IELTS, you only 3 to 4 paragraphs to drive home your points. Remember, you have a very limited time and must write at least 250 words. The 1st paragraph is usually the introductory paragraph where introduce the ideas or points you hope to develop in next 2 to 3 paragraphs. The last paragraphs is the concluding paragraph where summarize the points mentioned previously. each paragraph must start with a topic sentence which later explained in the next 2 to 3 sentences. Transition words, synonyms, proper punctuation, and phrasal verbs will enhance coherence and cohesiveness of your essay. Constant practice will help in making your write-up better. Remember, it is more technical than your class essay.

I hope to see an improved essay in your next post.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 10, 2017

Scholarship / I'm really expecting a lot from studying in Korea. SOP for applying to a scholarship (KGSP) [23]

Amel, let me start by drawing your attention to the fact that scholarship is very competitive adventure and no one has ever won it on a platter of gold. It really involves a lot of work and sustained improvement on the part of an applicant in all ramifications. You may not necessarily have to be the best before you begin to apply for scholarships. However, you must be ready to work, learn, improve, and persevere.

Your draft shows that you really need a lot of work in terms of English grammar. It is obviously a very difficult task and unrealistic to engage you in learning sessions here. But the fastest way you can improve within the context of your membership in EF is to critically study other essays posted and reviewed in this forum. Observe how sentences are constructed, paragraphs are developed, ideas are correlated, and the connections between paragraphs. Then try drafting an essay in your own words to follow the pattern you observed. It may really be difficult at the outset but it is a good way to start; considering the low standard of the essay you posted.

The essay you posted here will surely not earn 10 seconds of a reviewer's time before being sent to piles of waste papers. So, for you to compete successfully in scholarships, you have to step up your writing skills. If you really do not have basic foundation in English Language, I suggest an immediate acquisition of learning materials that can enhance your English Language; be it oral or written.

I hope to see a great improvement in your next post.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 10, 2017

Scholarship / You are advised in your statement to define how your study plan relates to progress in your country [3]

Hussaina, I understand that this is your first post on EF website. Usually, in order to make it easier for us to assist in reviewing an essay, members are advised to include the prompt(s) of their essay (i.e essay questions). This will help us to evaluate if your draft answers the prompt(s) or not, and then suggest how your write-up could improved. Having said that, I can see from the third paragraph of your essay that you are applying for Commonwealth Shared Scholarship and this is Home Country Benefit section of the application. The usual prompt for this section is as follows:

- describe how your plan of study relates to development in your sector and country
- say how, on your return, you will apply your new skills and qualification
- what outcome do you hope to achieve
- suggest how the impact of your work can be measured

With these in mind, It would be easier to assess your draft and make suggestions that can improve your essay.

I must commend your effort in putting up a 412 word essay. This means that your essay has passed the 500 word limit test. Now, your supposedly 1st paragraph is just a sentence and, as such, does meet minimum requirement for a paragraph in English Language; a paragraph must contain at least 3 sentences. Also, it is really not a good opening statement as it contains obvious punctuation errors, as well as misleading statement "...a master's degree in Energy Law and professional skills". I don't think there is a university qualification as Energy Law and professional skills, so adjust that statement in your next post. You have to restructure the opening statement in a paragraph from such that it immediately addresses the first prompt.

The 2nd paragraph should be merged with your opening statement or be an elaborate continuation of some statements captured in the 1st paragraph since its content answers the 1st prompt as listed above. Your 3rd paragraph should start immediately with your post study plan. Well, your post study is not really specific enough and cannot earn the attention of the reviewer of your application. Remember, this is a competitive scholarship and your application must stand out if you must win it. You really need to think of the specific way you intend to apply the skills and qualification you hope to achieve from the UK and this must relate to development priority in Nigeria.

Finally, enhance the coherence and fluidity of ideas in your essay. Use transition sentences and/or words to connect ideas.
I do hope to see an improved essay in your next post.

okorobiadimma14

Feb 8, 2017

Scholarship / Plan of study, tight connected with the economy of Nigeria - Commonwealth Shared Scholarship. [2]

You are advised in your statement to describe how your plan of study relates to development in your sector and country. Please say how, on your return, you will apply your new skills and qualifications, and what outcomes you will hope to achieve. This could usefully be related to a national development priority or objective. Please also suggest how the impact of the potential benefits of your work might be measured.

Budget of Recovery and Growth

Acquiring a master's degree in Environmental Sustainability and Green Technology is a timely achievement in my career with respect to Nigeria's quest to recover from economic recession. Thus, the interdisciplinary nature of my plan of study provides relevant skills and technical expertise in broad sustainability themes including environmental technologies, biological sciences, project management, and environmental policy and politics. Accordingly, these areas of knowledge are vital in the acceleration of non-oil revenue generation in my country.

After 3 to 4 decades of sole dependence on foreign exchange earnings from crude oil, the recent global fall in oil price has prompted Nigerian government to revert to agricultural sector with a view to promoting economy diversification. Undoubtedly, the diversification plan captured in the 2017 National Budget, tagged 'Budget of Recovery and Growth', will reinvigorate gross expenditure on research and development of agriculture to a greater extent. However, more is required than just allocation of funds to farming, especially with regard to harnessing the vast agricultural biomass in development of novel forms of renewable energy to promote environmental sustainability; a priority in the UK's development mandate for Nigeria.

Huge investment on agriculture results in proportional generation of municipal wastes and plant materials. As part of my plan of study at Keele University, my research project will assess the large scale production and purification of biogas from biological wastes and other biological sources. Nigeria is endowed with vast arable land for constant generation of bioresources which can be utilized in bio-fuel technology programme. Extensive production of biogas will not only create new jobs across the nation whilst replacing fossil fuel and reducing carbon emission, but also foster equity in localization of the biogas plant thereby establishing regional energy generation policy in the nation. Consequently, inter-ethnic civic unrest will reduce drastically and price of goods and services will no longer be controlled by gasoline pump price. Ultimately, United Nation's Kyoto agreement will successfully be implemented in Nigeria.

Subsequent to my return home, I have plans to collaborate with the UK established West Africa Science and Innovation Network (SIN) and my UK alma mater to develop evidence based policy that will further the establishment of Biogas Generation Technology (BGT) Programme in Nigeria. At the outset, I intend to secure a position at the Federal Ministry of Science and Technology as an Environmental Biotechnologist. This position will avail me the privilege, and in collaboration with SIN and Keele University, to file proposals to appropriate offices regarding BGT Programme.

As a partner in £7m 'green gas' project in the UK, Keele University's collaboration in BGT Programme in Nigeria will not only facilitate federal government's approval of the programme, but also launch new formal partnership between the UK and Nigeria with regard to research and innovation. In the long run, political interests in Niger Delta region due to crude oil wells will gradually fade away on the account of BGT Programme. Increase in job opportunities in sustainability sector and improved per capita income would indicate the impact of my work.

okorobiadimma14

Jan 6, 2017

Undergraduate / 'I was never truly exposed to poverty' UBC Undergraduate Entrance Essay [3]

@philliplombard

I want to first all commend your effort in putting up a 199 word story about your experience.

I think that the idea you are trying to convey in your essay is not clear enough. You spent about 109 words in the first five sentences talking about you, your parents and the travel you embarked on. The message in your essay started from the sixth sentence and was not clear. It is very short. You need to write in clear terms with simple English grammar because the prompt is extremely word sensitive. You need not use all available words in opening statement. You have to find a way to go straight to the point you are trying to convey tactically to maximize the few word count.

I don't think that seeing "People packed under small metal roofs for as far as the eye can see" is sufficient as an experience to share. You mentioned 'Poverty' in the first sentence. You need to tell the reviewer, in clear terms, what significant difference you saw in the life of South Africans in relation to your experience in Canada that actually depict poverty. The prompt also requests you to relate it to yourself as important lesson in your life (paraphrased). Don't say that you helped children without expatiating the kind of help you rendered. That part should not come in at all because it will cost you a lot of 'words' meanwhile, it is really not necessary. Hence, review your essay and start up with the central idea of your essay in a rather creative and compelling manner.

Finally, try and present your essay in two paragraphs to enhance readability and coherence.

Goodluck!

okorobiadimma14

Dec 13, 2016

Undergraduate / Duke, Pratt College of Engineering Essay: "Why do you want to study at Duke" [3]

@thugzook

I think you have shown a mastery of some vocabulary in your current draft. However, a good personal statement must be drafted in simple English words. It must be coherent and straight to the point.

The 150 word limit meant that you must employ your elementary Mathematics while drafting your essay, else you'll end up wasting important word count rigmarolling.

Now, you need to make a list of what you would like to include in your essay. After that, select the ones that would help you to answer the prompt questions within the shortest word count. Your first paragraph must answer the first prompt; the second paragraph answers the second prompt and the last paragraph should conclude your essay. If you follow this guide, I believe you will come up with a compelling essay within the short word count indicated above.

Your concluding paragraph should summerise the points made in your 1st and 2nd paragraph using appropriate transition word.

I hope this helps.

Good luck.

okorobiadimma14

Dec 13, 2016

Scholarship / I was graduated from University of Indonesia majoring Occupational Health and Safety [6]

Debby, you need to write a personal statement that tells a story and portrays you as an applicant that is worth admitting. Like the previous contributor pointed out, the prompt question indicates what the reviewer looks out for in your essay. So you must answer the prompt question(s) directly.

You need to seriously work on your grammar and tenses. We can help to correct some of your errors here, but you must, in the first instance, do your part by drafting an essay that appropriately and specifically answers the prompt question.

And ensure you maintain the word limit, but if not indicated, your essay must not exceed one and a half page. You may want to research more on your intended course of study to establish aspects that interest you more than others.

Be sure that the example in your essay is convincing enough. Your examples in your current draft do not really go well in context of your prompt question.

Having said that, I suggest you get back to work.

Good luck.

okorobiadimma14

Dec 12, 2016

Scholarship / I hope to purse a PhD program so as to embrace a teaching career. Statement for PTDF Scholarship [2]

Finally, please state in not more than 600 words in the space provided below:

1. Why you wish to acquire this scholarship.

2. Why you wish to obtain the qualification listed as your choice (for M.Sc. candidates) and that of your chosen research area (for PhD candidates), and;

3. How you think you will benefit in terms of your career and personal development from obtaining this scholarship and the resulting qualification once you have returned to you home country.

Please also give full details of any particular areas in which you like to concentrate as part of your course of study research while on your program overseas.

My experience about life and success made me see my father's death as a painful blessing. I started my academic journey in high school as a topper in my class, particularly in Mathematics, Chemistry, and Biology. But through my father's tragic demise, which certainly posed great challenge to my academic pursuit, life taught me that perseverance is my only lifeline and means to a successful career.

Being the first son, I began to assist my mother with family up-keep as a teenager. I engage in several menial jobs including serving mason and working as a Labourer at Golden Oil Industries Limited. Combining this responsibility with my studies honed my time managing skills even though I never had ample leisure like my peers. Throughout my high school and university days, I had difficulty with paying tuition fees. I surmounted this problem by working tirelessly for money during vacations. Thus, I am a very hard worker. I do not work only to accomplish my parent's desires or to rise up high in society, I work hard because I feel that the struggles before me existed so that I may grow into a better person. Obtaining PTDF scholarship will help me to advance my studies to attain master's degree, this time, without financial impediments.

Acquiring a master's degree in Biotechnology for Environmental Sustainability from a UK university will assist in building my EQ and IQ with the template of excellence that already exists in the university community, especially in the area of Environmental Biotechnology. It has always been my dream to research on sustainable approach to cleaning crude oil polluted regions in Nigeria. During my undergraduate research project, currently published in Annals of Science and Technology, I worked on utilizing local soap-derived biosurfactant for degradation of petroleum hydrocarbon polluted soils in view of sustainable remediation. I was glad when I heard that the project report was one of those chosen to be showcased at the 2015 National University Commission's University Research Fair at Akwa Ibom.

The opportunity of master's program overseas will help me to acquire skills on the production of renewable energy from biological sources by applying biotechnological techniques. It will not only facilitate my ability to undertake an outstanding independent research, but also offer me the opportunity to work with state-of-the-art facilities. My area of research will explore the sustainable approach to the cleaning up of crude oil polluted soils, and how innovative expertise can be employed in downstream production through biotechnology to reduce the risk of elevated atmospheric CO2.

Ultimately, I aspire to pursue a career in academia and satisfy my passion for research and teaching in a higher education institution. This scholarship will avail me a prospect for collaborative research with my UK alma mater under the auspices of UK established West Africa Science and Innovation Network based in Lagos. Certainly, the academic writing skills I would gain from the master's program will help me to contribute to the quest for sustainable crude oil pollution management in Nigeria. I hope to hone my expertise in environmental biotechnology and become a consultant in biotechnological approach to petroleum hydrocarbon pollution remediation.

Having acquired some level of professional experience as a Research Scientist, I hope to purse a PhD program so as to embrace a teaching career. I have a great passion to pass on my academic success through teaching and mentoring young people. Giving back to my community through research and human capacity building is my contribution towards sustainable development of my country.

I sincerely thank you for your time and consideration for this prestigious award. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

okorobiadimma14

Dec 12, 2016

Graduate / My essay on leadership experience, Duke Master of Management Studies 2017 [3]

Olivia thank you for your good remarks about this forum.

Surely I like your grammar constructions, although there is need for improvement, and the flow of your essay. But the context of the examples depicted in your essay matters a lot because that tells who you are (your personality).

Like Holt pointed out, while the reviewer expects an essay on leadership experience, the instance of leadership experience in your essay should be such that relate to Management Studies and/or Business. Like the prompt indicated, it could be at school, at work, or at home. So for your application to stand, you really need to think through and get something that can show your leadership experience in your field, which you hope to hone if given the opportunity of MMS: FOB program.

Having said that, I suggest you review your essay and then resend it.

Good luck.

okorobiadimma14

Nov 7, 2016

Scholarship / CHEVENING plans to collaborate with the UK established West Africa Science Innovation Network WASIN [2]

Chevening is looking indidvuals who have a clear post study career paln. Outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals, considering how these relate to UK priorities in your country.

On my return home, I have plans to collaborate with the UK established West Africa Science Innovation Network (WASIN) and create a research program directed to the reinvigoration of budget allocation to science and technology in Nigeria. Currently, estimated gross expenditure on research and development in Nigeria is between 0.1 and 0.5 per cent of GDP as against the stipulated 5 per cent by National Policy on Science and Technology. Ultimately, this would change if a clear cut milestone is achieved through research in response to recent economy diversification program.

I intend to work on biofortification of locally produced rice cultivars with vitamin A. It has always been my dream to improve this massively embraced food staple in Nigeria. This plan will take approximately 5 years to be accomplished. At the outset, I plan to secure a position at the National Cereal Research and Institute (NCRI) as a Plant Physiologist. Through this position, I will have the opportunity to assess cultivars of rice that are mostly planted by local farmers in Nigeria. After this step, the next is to apply the professional skills I acquired during my time in the UK by designing a collaborative research. The collaboration would be between NCRI, WASIN, and my UK alma mater. WASIN will serve as an authentic platform to connect with my UK alma mater with regard to the proceedings of the research, especially in terms of state-of-the-art facilities and technical support. Although research institutes have a budget for research, I hope to utilize my networking skills to source for grants to support the research program financially.

Expectedly, I will apply for financial aid as a Chevener and, with this in mind, extend my tentacles to government agencies, NGOs, and corporate bodies that look forward to lowering their taxes by sponsoring non-profit projects. Regarding the time frame for this project, my first year in NCRI will be used for stabilizing and designing of the research. Early In the second year, proposal for the research will be submitted to the research board of the institution for approval. By the middle of the year, I intend to set off with contacting WASIN, making necessary arrangements with my UK alma mater, and applying for grants. Laboratory aspect of the research will start towards the end of the second year. Field trials will begin early in the fourth year and span to the fifth. The success of this research program will not only reduce cases of night blindness in the country, but also spur the government to establish a large scale rice farm with high processing technology that will compete with international standard.

Having acquired some level of professional experience as a Research Scientist, I hope to purse a PhD program so as to embrace a teaching career. I have a great passion to pass on my academic success by teaching and mentoring young people. In the long run, the history of my life will be incomplete without recognizing the impart of the Chevening Community.

okorobiadimma14

Nov 7, 2016

Writing Feedback / Each mode of transport reveals an upward trend - the demand for carrying goods is rising [2]

Nura, you have to ensure you properly rephrase the topic question.

You could say " The chart illustrates the number of goods moved within the UK for over two decades by fours kinds of transport system."

Note that the topic question is something that happened in the past, thus your tenses should reflect past events.

Ensure that you comment on the most prominent features in the graph, as much as possible within the 150 word limit.

I hope this helps.

Good luck!