Undergraduate / "Social Science Department (Economics) - academic or intellectual curiosities? [8]

How about this for an intro:

Location: Social Science Department (Economics Class)
Teacher:Welcome class.(

Without any sort of introduction, the Economics teacher opens the book and says, "You must know what is demand and supply,opportunity cost,elasticity,utility,etc as they are the basics of economics." I thin to myself, I made a mistake;should have chosen Further Mathematics instead. The teacher goes on introducing the demand and supply curves, and I am wondering if the concept is similar to geometry.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of computer to run a small business! [4]

I'll do a little more work with it here:

The invention of the computer is a turnpoint of humandkind's history with which our life lives are made much more easy easier. Many people have applied the advantages of the computer in order to run their own businesses. More and more people have applied advantages of the computer to run their own business.(you wrote the same sentence twice?)

:-)

Essays / Essay topic: Climate change - global warming / thesis statement [11]


Let's be good examples and only post comments if we have a meaningful contribution to make!climate change --->(also info including about)---> humans causing it ----> something about industrial / aviation could be mentioned -----If you want to write about aviation, you can narrow your thesis by focusing on the emissions that supposedly linger in the air for a long time, doing more harm as a result of being higher in the atmosphere. Aviation accounts for only a small percentage of greenhouse gases, but it is unique because of the way aviation emissions remain u higher in the sky, affecting things in ways I don't entirely understand. Much has been written about that.

I hope that helps! Sometimes you have to think outside the box to narrow your thesis. Sometimes your main idea gets narrowed as you read article after article and notice themes developing in your readings.

Related: Just a thesis about global temperature, not an essay.

I think you've got a good thesis started. I have just a few editing tips for you.

Since the beginning of the 21st century, the earth's temperature has greatly risen. Although people do not understand how they are affecting the earth, changes are slowly starting to be noticed - Noticed by whom? Better might be "changes are becoming evident"

Good job!

Graduate / Letter of motivation For universities in Sweden (For Review) Course: Biotech. [2]


I think you can sharpen this and make it more specific. It is nice that it is broad and expansive, but you can sharpen it.

... opportunity to contribute to human welfare via my work in the field of ___________.

and this part has unnecessary words:
I realized that t Though I had an in-depth theoretical background of every subject, I felt it would not suffice to graduate as an Engineer. ---- less is more in this case...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Almost at the bottom!", Common Application Main Essay [21]


Yes, but the way you begin still hooks my attention. As a student, I was hopeless... that is good stuff!! Good writing.

I really don't know about if it is too many words, because every school is different. As you cut unnecessary words, though, remember that sometimes words that seem necessary are not really necessary. Writing can be like a subtle sketch that leaves out some details and suggests things elegantly.

:-)

Undergraduate / USC Undergad Essay "What Matters To Me and Why?" [3]

"thing" is always a weak word.
Responsibilities are things that everyone has, but are not things that everyone can fulfill. ----- this can be made stronger:
Everyone has responsibilities, but not everyone can fulfill them. ---- A sentence that says the same in fewer words sounds stronger.

I found a mistake here:
From this experience I have learned that by focusing on the long term rather than the short term (no need for a comma) proves to be more satisfying in the end.

Letters / I need a resume and cover letter for a job, don't know where to start [5]

Hello! If you post your resume and cover letter here, we will give you ideas for improving them. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The money spent on Leisure and Education was a very little amount in all 5 countries [2]

This is very good! You should feel confident in your communication skills.

Whenyou put 2 complete sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
The highest percentage was 9.00%, and this percentage was reached by the citizens of Italy.

Book Reports / The Culture of the Odyssey compared to the culture of Current Society [2]


This sentence ends your first paragraph, so it should express your main idea. It is not always necessary to have a thesis sentence at the end of the firs para, but it is a safe bet. I think you should change this sentence (or add a sentence after it) so that the first para ends with a sentence that clearly states the difference you are writing about in the essay. Don't just refer to our society today; refer to the difference.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I played around with my computer" NYU - Poly Supplement short questions [2]


I don't think this is a reason for choosing him. I think it is a description of his work. What is your real reason for choosing him?

I think it is supposed to be like this:
There is always someone who always wants to improve an existing idea.

My major is Computer Engineering. I selected this major because of my ardor for computers. I think the second part would be better without these two sentences. They weigh it down. It is so nice if you start the essay with action:

Everyone comes to me for any tech related help and some ask me, "How come you know so much about computers?"

:-)

Undergraduate / Admission Essay for Texas A&M University "Essay C" - Hardships in the past [3]

But unfortunately, our family had to face the brutal consequences of the American Dream.----- Wow, this is so intriguing! The brutal consequences of the American Dream. That could be a movie title.

So, what are the consequences? You can develop this theme more, and it will involve powerful observation. Instead of just writing about achieving it, you can write about this concept of the consequences.

Undergraduate / Common App. Essay. WORST ESSAY OF MY LIFE. [4]

Well, this is a high-risk approach only to the extent that you expect the reader to be judgmental about homosexuality. I think this is a safe approach, because it will probably be read either by someone who has the necessary wisdom to not be judgmental or by someone who is a little bit prejudiced and wants to try not to be. In either case, I think the reader will appreciate your perspective, for sure.

This is a powerful sentence, below, but it needs to be simplified:
How am I, a homosexual male, supposed to find a social acceptance, or even a personal acceptance, within a __________ society? I live in?

Undergraduate / My interest in Bio- short essay [7]


I don't get this part.

Hey, you have potential for something really great here! I think you are making a funny point about biology and menstruation. You wrote, "Every month..." And the last word of the essay is "period." This is very clever. If I understand correctly the effect you are trying to have, it is great! But make it clearer for the reader. Add a sentence to make it clear.

Scholarship / Math, science - Subjects excelled. [4]

I like the thought you express in the first paragraph, but you use too many words to express it.
Mathematics and science are so closely related that to fully understand one subject, I must further my knowledge in the other as well.--- I think this would be a great first sentence for the essay. It expresses everything in the first paragraph.

Oh, I see that each paragraph is about something different. You should ask yourself, "What is the most important message of this essay?" If you know the most important message, put it at the end of paragraph one.

I think you should start this essay with the sentence above, and end the first para with an answer to the question above. In the first para, you can also mention that you have a natural ability for mathematics and a fascination with science because of ________.

Make sure that you remember, especially while working with the first and last paragraph, what the main purpose is, the most important message of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about responsible for bringing children up [2]

I see that Jen made some excellent corrections here! Notice that she put an s at the end of your "nowadays." This word means something like: During these days of recent times...

And I would add another change to something Jen already fixed for you:
Nowadays, with the development of society, women no longer stay...
If you write "no longer," it expresses the fact that a change happened and that women are now playing other roles -- roles that they historically could not access.

Nice job!

:-)

Graduate / MBA Essay on Leadership through mentorship [4]

But, in a twist to a seemingly easy task, additional persons in positions of leadership were 'required' by senior management to voluntarily participate.--- what a beautifully constructed sentence this is! They are lucky to have had your help as they practiced English.

I don't know if "poorly cohesive" is the right way to express this.
...the team lacked cohesion and was highly pessimistic. ---- how about this way?

I like everything about this essay! I see the merit of Yang's criticisms, but it is just playing the devil's advocate, I think. It helps to see what other people have to say about various lines of the essay... what criticism they can come up with, but like Yang said, it is well-structured and very impressive.

:-)

Undergraduate / I absolutely love the notion of diverse community; U Maryland College [3]

Yes, the first para is awkward. Divirsity is not vigorous. If you want to say it is vigorous, you need to explain what you mean. It must be a metaphor, because vigor applies to movement or attentiveness... but not to a concept! However, if you want to say diversity is like the vigorous stirring of a mixture, that is okay.

In that first paragraph, think of what you are really trying to say. Obviously diversity makes a community interesting. Go deeper, and say something about what it will take in order for people to overcome their feers of the "other" and all that is different. Your para will not be awkward if you are saying something you feel really passionate about.

:-)

Undergraduate / Experiences in improving health care to underserved populations [5]

As a young girl in India, I remember tagging along with my parents to rural villages in India.
I don't think you need the part about being a young girl in India, because the rest of the sentence implies it. That is the subtlety of essay art.

Hey, the ending is excellent! ---> My experiences have led me to deem that it is a responsibility for everyone associated with the health care field to extend quality health care to those who need it, regardless of background or financial status. etc.

I think you should put this paragraph at the beginning, and let the story about your youth in India become paragraph 2.

I'm impressed by this sentence about extending quality health care.

Undergraduate / "Father from South American country, I moved to Orlando" - UCF Application Essay [5]


It also implies some regret because of the use of the word "few." It is a warning.

I must endeavor to achieve my goals--- this is very simplistic and obvious. Maybe what you are really trying to say is that you must establish a goal and keep it in mind during every decision you make.

...set me on the educational path along which I now travel. I am now on.

For the second one, I think the first 2 sentences are unhelpful. The word drift implies directionlessness, and that is not a very good attribute to highlight in an admission essay. I think you should scratch out the first 2 sentences of the second essay and replace them with something specific. For example, name the top three possible schools you had in mind and tell why this school was the best. Then continue:

When I took the tour...

Graduate / Law School personal statement (to specialize in immigration law) [4]

It looks like that first paragraph could use one additional sentence. It seems that you built up the concept of having to change without completing the thought; complete the paragraph by trying to capture -- in a single sentence -- the full truth about this change you experienced and what it means.

Back in Armenia, my father was fighting against the privatiz ation of a...
Oh! I see that Marcel alrady corrected this error. His way of correcting it is very good. You can choose either his way or the way I showed you (above).

I see that Marcel gave good corrections... so I will tell you something about the thesis statement:

It looks like that first paragraph could use one additional sentence. It seems that you built up the concept of having to change without completing the thought; complete the paragraph by trying to capture -- in a single sentence -- the full truth about this change you experienced and what it means.

I see that you talk about a decision to study law. Maybe you can end the first paragraph with a sentence that says your process of change was empowering and it will culminate with your study of law.

Graduate / Statement of Intent - Master os Sci.Programm in Hospitality [4]

Your first paragraph says it is very difficult for you to "express and explain" something about yourself. I don't think it is necessary to say it is difficult. I think you should say it is meaningful. And instead of questioning why you would do it, you should ask this:

With a world of opportunity available to me, what school should I choose? I choose XXXXX College in Houston,Texas, because ______________.

Until then, I have enjoyed a perfect family life in a luxury house, traveling, and what I thought was interpersonal harmony.

The worst was happening: my family scattered everywhere!-------good sentence! This is good writing; you express emotion, and you use a good word: scattered.

:-)

Research Papers / Euthanasia: Death without Dignity [2]


Well, that is an overstatement. Maybe a little untrue... so... it might be better to say:
not triumphing over its power, but at least mitigating its pain.

At the end of the first paragraph, I still do not know whether you are taking a stand about anything. You refer to the once-dishonorable deeds, but this implies "deeds that were once deemed dishonorable." What are you actually saying about these things?

You might be criticized for lumping all kinds of controversial things together as if they are related. The only relationship among these is that they are all controversial.


The argument in this paragraph should be supported with some kind of citation.

Okay, at the end of your first paragraph, you need to boldly state your position so that the reader knows what you are talking about. Also, I strongly suggest omitting the stuff about abortion, homosexuality, and so forth. Those things re irrelevant and distracting. Make your argument concise and poignant.

:-)

Undergraduate / The Grand Leader - some one who made an impact in my life [2]

life...and in those nine years it has been are full of fantastic memories.

She's has been a great leader, actually an EXCELLENT an excellent leader (no comma necessary here) and the best most honest, humble friend I've ever trusted. ------- sometimes less is more, so i cut out some words. But I think one more sentence belongs at the end of this first paragraph. Add a sentence that states the main theme -- more specific than just "best" and "honest." What is the theme of how she impacted you? Write a sentence about it at the end of para #1.

:-)
Oh, I see that, throughout the essay, you make several points about how she influenced you. So, look at those points altogether now and see what is the main theme. What is the major concept that underlies this essay? Express that in a sentence at the end of para #1, and then express it again as a whole paragraph in the conclusion paragraph. Fram the whole essay within the theme.

Undergraduate / Consumerism driven by Architecture -UT prompt. [2]

Hey, slow down! Wow, this sentence seems like it is in a hurry:
A young boy sits on his feet, a nxious to view peer out the backseat window. as t The car steers up the ramp, an d at its peak his eyes are drawn to the sparkling towers; to him each one is competing to capture the sun's attention, reflecting the light as it dances across its face. He wishes this moment wasn't so short lived.

Don't be afraid to end a sentence when it gets too long.

:-)

How about a paragraph break right here:
What is it that produces these feelings of anticipation?
paragraph 2:
Its Architecture. ...

Grammar, Usage / How to express multiplication of n numbers? [4]

This is not a kind of writing I know about! Ha ha, I don't even know how to research it! What kind of math class are you taking?

Undergraduate / Application to Summer Program (@MIT, process similar to MIT application) [3]


Woah, slow down! One thought at a time. Let's cover neuroscience before we move on to the brain bee.

Okay, for everything that comes before this part...For one of my Tech Prep projects, I investigated the
I think everything that comes before that could be expresses in one long sentence in which you list these awards you have won, and express the idea that you have been trying hard to excel in these areas for a long time already. Simplify it, and make it straightforward. Then, after that impressive intro sentence, describe the tech prep project:

For one of my Tech Prep projects, I investigated the...

Okay, yes, I see what you mean about it being a whole lot of ideas without much organization. So... when you put these together, think about CONCENTRIC CIRCLES. In the very center, there is the main idea for the whole essay. That idea should be stated in a single sentence at the end of paragraph one. It does not have to always be that way, but this is a nice way to do it.

When you know what the main theme for the whole essay is, put it in the form of a sentence, and put that sentence at the end of paragraph 1.

:-)

Undergraduate / Northwestern Common Application Supplement: Why Engineering is a Hobby of Mine [3]

First, I think the first sentence of this essay is too boring and simple. It will be better to take an artful approach to the way you write that first sentence; come up with something that really comes from the deepest part of your mind as you think about your longstanding interest in engineering.

Although this environmental engineering aspect did interest me, I found my real interest several years later, in my high school biology course. ----- this first sentence of paragraph 2 is confusing. Suddenly we are in the middle of a story. I think you should rewrite this sentence so it applies to the big picture. Although my interest in engineering in fundamental to my personality, I developed some specific ideas pertaining to the fields of _______ and ________ when I was in high school.

and then the last sentence of paragraph 2 should really make it very clear that you ar saying something about what this all amounts to. This essay has some complex explanations to give, so clarity is very important. At the beginning or end of every paragraph, spell out the meaning for the reader so that there is no confusion. I bet this kind of clarity will be necessary in much of the writing you will do in your chosen field!

:-)

Undergraduate / "an effortless answer to all of my problems" the University of Michigan essay [4]

When you put 2 complete sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
High school was replete with lax behavior and procrastination, and homework was easily put aside.

and began prescribing me with a stimulant, Adderall.

commas:
Immediately I felt the effects, and my grades drastically improved.

Nice job, this is a great, inspirational story. It's too bad stimulants have terrible side-effects; however, you seem to have handled this adversity very well!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Advertising can tell you a lot about a country [4]

Usually, people say More importantly

More importantly, it can draw a lot of tourists to visit your country.

Generally-speaking, many countries have many tourist attractions which are unique enough to catch the interest of foreign tourists. to relax. (uniqueness does not help people relax.)

:-)

Undergraduate / Branching Out my Roots (My short and long-term goals) [3]

I think it is stronger without willing:
As intimidating as it may seem, I'm a willing and hoping to mesh into this world in the near future.

Most importantly, I aspire to take care and better the health of as many people as I can.

Perhaps it is better to say you are tentatively focusing on Pediatrics, but you develop new interests so often that you anticipate many areas of special study. Pediatric medicine is very broad...

Great, your last paragraph is quite impressive!

Undergraduate / ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP essay, how does it look? Improvements? [4]


Right after this sentence, I think you should do a paragraph break.

paragraph 2:
In the minds of t The missionaries, they feared that students would feel unloved because the goodie bags were inexpensive and quickly made. However, there was nothing more that could be done. The service was over, and it came time to hand out the bags.

This is such a nice story! I bet this will be successful...

Undergraduate / My father - Daniel - has had the largest impact on my life [4]

Let's make it "impacts ----> larger ones"
Both my parents have, and continue having an impacts on...

and also...
...but my father, Daniel, has had the largest ones.

You need a comma on both sides of Daniel (above).
But I think his name is irelevant and not helpful in the experience you are trying to create for the reader:
...but my father Daniel has had the largest ones.

:-)

Book Reports / How to write a comparison essay about to kill a mockingbird [5]

This intro needs a colon, and let's change to to toward because we are talking about a direction:

A child's mind works and runs in only one direction: toward a place where the...

And then lets' use brighter and greener:
...where the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener, and where they can follow in their parents' footsteps -- in hopes of maybe one day wearing their size of shoe. ----- this still seems complex! Is this "one direction," or is it many? is it necessary to argue "one direction," or is it better to argue "unexpected directions?"

Graduate / LSE- Grad Adm Essay on Development - rate my intro & Conclusion! [4]

I am drawn to LSE's Msc Urbanization and Development program because of its notable professors with whom I share communal passions, enjoy personalized academic structure, and explore opportunities afforded to me in UK academia.


Excellent, Jessica, this is the kind of specific plan that gets a good response from readers.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Are Juveniles Responsible for Their Crimes [4]


What's a boat ride 8?

:-) Well, I totally hear you about the injustice of it. And the worst part is the hegemony that is at work. The poor work harder for less, unable to get ahead.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in computer science / cloud computing [18]

Big explanations are necessary:

people.revoledu.com/kardi/tutorial/KNN/index.html

people.revoledu.com/kardi/tutorial/kMean/

Also, both of these are available on wikipedia, which is always good for a quick, to-the-point explanation of something...

Undergraduate / "We hadn't been partners!" - how to contribute essay, help me pls [4]

So you have to cut it down to 700 characters? That is terrible. Well, you have a beautiful last paragraph, so maybe you should start with it and add important material...

Undergraduate / The Pepperdine essay is a bit of a toughie! Did I answer the prompt well? [7]

For a moment, these four, daunting words seemed to cloud the awe-inspiring ten words that were so engraved in my heart. ---that makes it clearer...

I voraciously threw myself into my research on careers, lifestyles, cultures - and yet, my question was left unanswered. Did I want to be a doctor? A lawyer? A journalist?---- perhaps this is too simple. I think you should present it as though, even back then, you had a sense of whether you wanted to be involved with social science or medical science or politics. Name three alternatives within the same field, if you want to, but I think you should write this essay to focus in a particular direction.

I like your theme, and I know it is sort of contrary to your theme to get specific about your intended profession, but how about supplementing this discussion with some words about your deep commitment to learning in a particular discipline? That way, the essay will be very substantial and not so abstract. As it is now, it expresses something very meaningful, but there is still room to write about specific plans involving a field you are interested in. :-)

Research Papers / Environmental issue research: my ideas about Global Warming? [8]


Why do you think it might be plagiarism? Did you copy from a website?

I'll help if I can:
It is ...(I don't know how to use the word) a process of increasing global temperature that is caused by humans. People might be surprised because they have a passion for working and improving about the economy, but that people totally forgot about the effect about it to harmful emission s the Earth.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay -- In the Arms of the Angel! [3]

...seemed to draw you me in like a light at the end of the tunnel.-------you already started writing in the first person perspective, so it is good to continue that way.

Although I enjoyed the convivial presence of the medical staff made eight-hour volunteer days bearable, the county hospital was not exactly my (ideal?) summer destination.

What does this mean?----> That is, until Angel me the freedom to fly. ----- a word is missing?

Awesome, you have a cool way of thinking. Oh, this one is too much, though:
Those words were glued to my mind for the rest of the day, and today they continue to be etched in my brain. ---how about just one or the other, but not both (glued to and etched in). Simpler:

Those words were etched into my mind for the rest of the day, and today they still remain continue to be etched in my brain.

:-)