Undergraduate / plain awesomeness,How family history/culture/environment influenced who you are [3]

Very nice essay, Elyzabeth.
first-hand

I've watched my mother struggle financially mainly due to her lack of a higher education.-----------> well, if you somehow end up facing adversity that causes you to be unable to go to college, remember that among the most successful, wealthy people in the country a large percenatage of them are entrepreneurs with no higher education at all. So... don't believe the hype! However, college is good.

This should be divided into paragraphs. I love every sentence, but use one paragraph for each idea, and let the first sentence of each para be a topic sentence that expresses the main idea of the para.

Please help some other people with their essays so that they can write beautifully, as you do.

Undergraduate / "I'm Living on a Jet Plane" - Am I Conveying Anything About Myself? [4]

I think the first para would be better in the first person perspective rather than addressing "you" the reader.

Nevermind that, actually... the first paragraph does not fit in the essay! It had me so confused. I thought the essay was about flying, but it is not. You should scratch that first para or rewrite it so that it expresses the main idea of the essay.

you write very well!

Undergraduate / Rice Supp -- How will you contribute to Rice? [4]

For the second time that day, someone had uttered...

I think the first 2 paragraphs should be combined into one.

It is probably not good to objectify women in that sentence about "seductive women" ... and that is sort of sexist and sort of makes a generalization, like they are all seductive.. How about a different word?

However, I could must not forget to express my deep concern for a single certain deficiency within regarding Rice's social communities: it does not possess an association which I could be a part of specifically for the Luso-Brazillian population.

:-)

Undergraduate / Describe and illustrate ways you have sought knowledge and commitment to service [5]

As I sat in Philosophy class pondering on my...

Use a comma for this compound sentence:
Working hard kept me occupied, and I had become accustomed to being out of school.

This is great writing; I just think it might be possible to tighten it up by expressing your ideas in fewer words. Also, with some sentences, you should "show" the reader your mindset by stating a specific intention; for example, in this sentence, rather than speaking generally you can tell specific intentions about your plans for the future or current practice of helping particular people or groups:

I am not only dedicated to my own success, but also to the success and visions of other young people like me who have faced insurmountable odds. Everyone has potential and everyone has the ability to succeed when placed in the right position. ----- in writing, a common expression is "show, don't tell." That means you should express intentions and give examples rather than just making assertions like this one. It is hard, though!

:-)

Undergraduate / boundless, altruistic, and persistent - Boston U essay 3 words describe yourself [3]

I'm really interested in programs like Make A Wish, Save Darfur, and WWF, and while I canno t donate hundreds of dollars or go across country travel abroad at this time, to help a cause I try my best to do what I can at home.

Let's fix this incomplete sentence by connecting it to the previous sentence with a dash:
...was I always get what I want -- not in a negative or spoiled manner, but in the sense that when I establish a goal for myself whether it be academic, materialistic or social I strive towards it and meet it by any means necessary.

I shortened that awkward sentence and chopped a few of your words to help you get within that word limit.

One important point: it is not correct to start each paragraph with the word as you did. It is better to leave the word out of the beginning of each para, and find a way to use the word in the para instead.

:-)

Undergraduate / "genetics lab freedom" - Cornell - College of Arts and Sciences Supplement Essay [4]

The taste of the freedom from in this genetics lab has left me...

This is great! The first paragraph is so poetic, the only thing you need to worry about is that some readers won't appreciate it because they won't entirely understand it! I think this will be well-received.

Undergraduate / UChi: Why Chicago? "UChicago Gnaws at Me" [4]

As an undecided major, I hope to discover my own niche in Chicago's rigorous and broad Common Core (no comma necessary here) and pursue a degree in one of Chicago's strong humanities and classics departments. I hope to join the ranks of the Vonneguts and the Hubbles, the commended University of Chicago alumni whose ideas and teachings explore and shape human perception.

Great last line! I think it was a very nteresting beginning, quite different from most essays! However, you are so abstract with your actual reasons for wanting to attend. Can you come up with 1 or 2 concrete reasons this school will be a good place for you to start your career?

Undergraduate / 'Naturally indicisive person' - Why Duke? [7]

How about this:
...when Ms. Austin described the _________, the school's ___________, and the ________ this outstanding program to me and my peers. ------------> That will make it full of substance.

I gues I would do a paragraph break after this:
...exactly what I am looking for.

:-)

Student Talk / My social security number doesn't show up! (Boston University) [5]

Ah, I wish I could help you, but I know nothing. I see, though, that this was several days ago, so you are probably all done with the process now.

For the record, the reason we set up the "Student Talk" forum was for subjects like this that do not pertain to essays... so it's okay!! :-)

Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

Business can be art. What kind of art do you like? Write an essay that expresses an interest in making a business of your art, or making art of your business.

Undergraduate / "a boy named Clarel" - What do you guys think of my limerick? [2]

I think cell is better, not because hell is offensive (it's not), but because cell is about bonds. However, this might be better:
Shattered the walls of...

Spending a long time on something does not necessarily make it better. When you get that flash of inspiration, it occurs in a moment.

Ear-piercing means preparation for earrings, though.. but still, I think it works!

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Studying philosophy' -Brown Essay - Inspiration [4]


Or maybe the thoughts that arose in your mind to make you think of eating it are actually just reflections of the environment, past and present! Maybe your thoughts are not your own, but instead just noise generated by the interplay of all this worldly stuff, including us.

Hmmmm... about the gun part... I don't think it is insensitive. Many deep thinking people have found themselves in a dark state of mind, feeling hopeless. It is so common that I don't think it is insensitive. However, I think you should introduce the idea of despair before mentioning the gun, because it is a little confusing this way.

:-)

At the end, put that quote in quotation marks.

Undergraduate / The Type of Person You Are - William & Mary Supplement! [2]

The first 2 sentences do not really seem to go with the rest of the essay. They do not seem necessary and they are a little cliche. We are all unique lie snowflakes; everyone already knows that. We are all so unique that uniqueness is nothing unique. I think 2 different sentences at the start would be better.

Now, you establish a theme about your definition of optional; it reminds me of the expression, "Turn your shoulds into musts." I think you do a great job of driving that point home in the conclusion.

Even though it is quite clever to engage their question in this way, I think it most essays it is better not to address the reader as having issued the essay prompt. MOST of the time, you should present the essay as its own brilliant piece of art... without talking directly about the prompt question... But in this essay, I like the way you did it!!

The average person turns down optional opportunities----- this is a little presumptuous, maybe not even true.

Nice job!!

Undergraduate / Race is only skin deep Stony Brook (revision help) [3]

Yet to my surprise, I was given respect, acceptance and recognition, all of which I received wholeheartedly in spite of my race.
This makes it sound like you are surprised to have wholeheartedly recieved, but I think you mean they wholeheartedly gave.
Yet to my surprise, despite my race I was given respect, acceptance and recognition. all of which I received wholeheartedly in spite of my race.

I'm sure you'll do very well with this; sorry I didn't help in time for the deadline!! :-)

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement event or experience [10]

This is some great collaboration, and I agree that it is a very good essay. That might be because Damien lacks visual strength but is excellent with language. I think I am a good writer, and I am colorblind, too! I also have a terrible sense of direction and don't notice a lot of things (i.e. visually). So, I guess some of us are visual and others verbal.

This essay could be improved with a longer conclusion. Anyway to make room for a stronger, more reflective conclusion paragraph? I am starting to think essays should be bottom-heavy, with bigger conclusions than intros...

Great job here!!

Undergraduate / NYU supplement - Summertime [3]

It doesn't matter what actually happened. What matters is how well you convince the reader that you are a motivated, serious student with big plans for the future.

This is a wasted opportunity if you just list the activities. Decide on a purpose for this. Consider using this purpose I mentioned above. How can you describe your summer activities in a way that presents you as a student with incredible potential and high hopes?

Undergraduate / Cornell CALS essay: It started with an Oreo [5]

Nice job! It is powerful when you begin an essay with someting familiar to the reader, like Nabisco.

That last paragraph does not belong at the end. It belongs in the middle.

It would be nice to include some mention of interest in RESPONSIBLE food manufacturing, in the sense that you can help move us toward the practice of using natural ingredients and thinking about the health of the people.

this is one of my favorite essays, great job!!

"I was eating a man-made wonder ----- you are a good writer! However, "man-made" is sexist, and you would do well to use human-made instead. Human-made may not seem right, because you usually hear man-made, but your generation is in charge of ushering in an era of gender inclusive language. :-)

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Hi Erika, I certainly hope it is safe! I think you are talking about whether or not people get in trouble for collaborating here. If that is what you mean, I guess it depends on your teachers, but I don't know of anyone ever getting in trouble. Collaboration is the way things happen in the age of information; I think educators would be remiss to discourage participation in a writer's group like this one.

I'm glad you are here!

Undergraduate / "quirky, independently-minded partner" - Why Vassar essay [9]

An equal appreciation for the hustle... ------I think "of" is okay, too, but maybe you like "for" instead?

I like the rythm of this sentence this way:
...destined to grow old alone and surrounded by cats.

I loaded the virtual tour (no comma necessary) and tried not to pay attention to the gorgeous, Hogwarts-esque building and incredible gardens decorating the site.

Wow...Hogwarts-esque is a good word...

Undergraduate / "Buenos días, Madrid" - BATES Comment, [4]

I'm sorry I didn't get to comment before your deadline!

I really like the way you used a long conclusion paragraph. It gave me a new idea about conclusions. I think it is great to do a lot of reflection, so that the conclusion looks longer than the rest of the essay. It seems like a nice format, because the reader sees a lot of insight at the end.

You made me a better writer!!

Writing Feedback / A girl who decides to stand up for what is right - Antigone essay [3]

Many people argue if about whether or not Antigone is a hero. This essay is all about the reasons she is a hero, which include her _______, her decision to ________, and the fact that she __________.

Above, that will make it a sharp, well-defined thesis statement.

In the conclusion paragraph, repeat those ideas you expressed in the thesis sentence.

Ah! I see it was already due. I'm sorry I did not help in time. Good thing Jennifer was here...

Undergraduate / Changing humanity, NYU abu dhabi, Year 2005, Anticipated program [2]

Don't do this "I, myself, ..." thing.
I personally believe that, by me thinking of other people and how to make their lives easier, I actually make change.---------just by thinking? Many people would disagree, but I don't! I think you can make a difference just with your thoughts, either negative or positive.

However, action sure makes a bigger difference. :-)

I think you should try not to use so many cmmas. You need to make your sentences simple and straightforward, like a spear thrust, without too many commas acting like stop-and-go traffic.

I think you should use a full paragraph as the first paragraph of that 2nd essay.

Your thoughts are excellent, and your English is excellent! I think you'll do very well!

Let's not use quotes here, and consider adding thrive:
...so that I may live and thrive for a lifetime.

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - The Cycle I'm Indebted; I understand my purpose to my neighborhood [4]

Like many of the students I tutor, Gabriel comes from a family of immigrants, and the same is true of many others in ou r neighborhood.

"kids" is not really very formal...

When you put 2 complete sentences together as one compound sentence, use a comma:
I point toward his backpack, a nd he takes out his folder.
You did it correctly for this compound sentence: I say yes, and that comforts her.

Your English really is excellent...

As the one wit h strongest English, at a y oung age I was depended on to help translate for my parents.

Undergraduate / "The Statue" - Bucknell Supplement Essay [4]

I'm intrigued by the beginning of this. Suddenly I saw myself...
This is good stuff. Use a comma in this compound sentence, though:
I walked over to Mr. Irvine, a nd he handed me the microphone.

Wow! lost in the ocean of their eyes. ...

well, the good news is that you write very well. If you speak as well as you write, you should never be nervous, even if you are in front of 10 schools. But the bad news is that this essay needs some revision! I am so confused when I get here:

I was standing in lecture hall A, the meeting place...

Is it supposed to be backstory? Like this? ----> A week earlier, I had been standing in lecture hall A, the meeting place...

:-)

Undergraduate / Tepper School of Business & International management; Why Carnegie Mellon? [6]


You can contrast international management and mechanical engineering against one another. In fact, you can write about the advantages of each and add some tension to this essay by telling the reader that you are having trouble deciding what your focus should be. It can be very useful to use each to give definition to the other.

I think both need to be mentioned in the first para if both are going to be themes for the essay.

I think "Now" seemed confusing, because you jumped up to the present tense. I think "in retrospect" might work better.
In retrospect , I realize that I had already been exposed to the principle of supply and demand.

:-)

Undergraduate / About my family and God - princeton essay most significat person [4]

Hearing about this sort of situation in movies and T.V. shows all the time, I thought it was not serious and was assured that he would wake up.

Oh... now I see that it was due a long time ago, so my ideas do not help. Anyway, I love the effect you get with the italicized sentences directed to the boy. Brilliant.

This is not an essay that conveys who you are, but with a solid new intro paragraph and some revision it certainly could be.

Undergraduate / describe an event, (color day) [2]

We split students into groups and compete with each other in different various activities.

This does all stay with one topic, so it is ALMOST okay to have it as one long paragraph, but... it is just so much nicer to read an essay with three solid paragraphs, each with its own topic sentence. Maybe you could divide this into at least 2 paragraphs?

Everyone has their strengths; for example, I run very fast, so I was the...

Undergraduate / "my campaign" - Common Application Essay about Ketchup [6]


Something great about this sentence...

Steadfast in my beliefs in the importance of a dequate...


Yes, you do! You are one of the wordsmiths, the heroes of prose, the brilliant rhetoricians.

With a newfound confidence, I mustered up all of my strength and got to work immediately .

For you, I recommend On Writing by Stephen King. It will help you to perfect your skill!

Grammar, Usage / Quick question about commas in titles [6]

That is a good question. I asked that question of a good grammarian last year and was told that it varies depending on if it is UK English, American English, etc. I was told that the way you did it in example #2 was UK English... this seems correct to me.

I think if it was my essay, I would keep the commas inside the quotes.

Undergraduate / BUSINESS IS MY PASSION; Carnegie Mellon/ Why major? [12]

CMU, with its average class size being around thirty-four students, is the perfect size for me. ----I don't think you should be talking about class size in this first paragraph. End the first para with an expression of your main theme, the biggest idea you want the reader to remember.

I have numerous goals in my life that I intend on reaching. ----I think this is a weak sentence, because a goal is always something you intend to reach. You could replace this sentence and use the last paragraph to reflect some more on the main point from your intro paragraph.

Thanks for all the help you have been giving here at EF. I see you participating in a lot of threads.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'social implications of medical disorders' - Cornell Human Ecology Essay [3]

In that compound sentence at the beginning, use a comma:
America is a nation that glitters with prosperity, but its...

That first paragraph is so short and simple! How about adding another sentence or two to express a complex idea about what it means that America values disabled people...

Oh, I see now that you should probably mention the ecological perspective and/or the majors that interest you as you extend that first paragraph.

In the conclusion, restate some of the ideas you express in the intro and add "something extra" for the reader to take away from the reading of the essay.

:-)

Poetry / A pawn, NYU Supplement - poem about me [6]


I think you could turn the fact that she only lived there for a short time into an entertaining part of the essay.

The poem... I think this might seem more meaningful to you than it seems to a reader. I don't really see any significant meaning in it!! I think you might see meaning because of what you were thinking when you wrote it... but it seems that you are simply saying that pawns move slowly and that it is great when it is your turn to move... Can you turn this into a metaphor that represents something other than chess? (maybe it already is a metaphor and I just missed it!)

:-)

Undergraduate / Critique my Cornell CALS essay? - From Magic School Bus to Herring Testes [5]


Great sentence here... (above)

I think you should probably combine paragraphs 3 and 4 into one.

I can't find a sngle sentence that is weak, so I don't know what you should cut! I guess you have to find ways to express the ideas of sentences in fewer words... this is great writing.

Undergraduate / UPenn Life Science and Management Essay-----------Why I love biology and finance [3]


Good sentence! (above)

Let's not end this sentence with "with." ----> That is the kind of spirit I want to infuse int o my future career with .

You write very well!
Fix this last sentence, though:
Rather, it would enable me to diligently explore both fields and craft a view of the world sculpted from that includes both of these subjects that are so important to me, so that I can deeply understand ho w nature operates and the field of economics that enables businesses to flourish. ------- "craft a view of the world sculpted from" does not work, because craft and sculpt are weirdly redundant...

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal "bump in the road" and Why i chose to apply at UCF [3]

Two years ago, while I was getting ready to graduate High school and prepare myself for college, my parents split and my dad left us with little to no money.------it is not quite right without "I was"

...however he made some unintelligent decisions and lost his scholarship, caus ing my mom to have to take out a loan for him. As of now my family is very low on money and we are unable to pay the bills. (already said this)

With three children in college and the status of this economy, it is very hard for my mother to...

As you get to the end of that first para, stop repeating over and over that you are having financial hardship and give the "moral of the story," the thesis statement.

You capitalized "medical" toward the end, and it should not be capitalized...

Good luck!! :-)

Undergraduate / "The scar on my face" - Villanova supplement essay [2]

Hi Nessa, sorry I didn't respond until now. Lots of people, like you, got only one answer around the end of december... it was busy! :-)

This comma should be moved, but it's no big deal:
...sandals to match, and on the ear a pair of tiny copper earrings or nothing at all.

In order to avoid presumptuousness, add "often":
As I walk around, I feel beautiful and I see beauty in people that others often cannot see.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'From a Catholic Indian' - How I Can Contribute to UPenn's Community [5]

Nadine, I see that you closed the thread, so I guess I did not respond in time to participate in the process. The deadline for many people was the first, so I guess that is the case for you? Thanks for posting, anyway! you have great sentences structure, and that thesis at the end of para #1 is very well constructed.

Writing Feedback / Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to be. [3]

Hi Panyapon,

Don't capitalize student in that first line.

They will have a good opportunity to do mutual to participate in activities concerning nature, culture and community development. ----the word mutual means it affects 2 people in the same way, so it does not work in this sentence.

The way to use mutual is to write something like this:
I told her I liked her, an she told me the feeling was mutual.

Or...
Two students worked together and enjoyed mutual benefit.

Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to have .

Undergraduate / Illinois Institute of Technology essay (a positive contributor to the world) [2]


The sentence that comes after this one should probably give an example to back up the claim that you are aware of the rigor that distinguishes the school. How do you know, and how is it different? Can you add a sentence between sentence one and sentence two?

well-rounded curriculum and its stellar facilities. ------ again, this is a sentence that should be followed by some evidence/elaboration.

Keeping this in mind, I am certain that Illinois Institute of Technology will prepare me exceptionally well and help me to become a strong person. Boring, unnecessary sentence.

IIT will prepare me to be a positive contributor to the world by the educational and socially... -----> good, but try to work in as many details and examples as you can so that you make a crisp, clear impression.

You write very well, very eloquently. Just use less filler (i.e. "prepare me to be a positive contributor") and more SUBSTANCE (i.e. I intend to achieve the following goals: ....)

:-)

Scholarship / Math: Essay about the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. [3]

Math and foreign language (Spanish) are the two subjects in which I have al ways excelled. My success in these two subjects is due not only to my passion and diligence, but it is also largely due also to my privilege of having been taug ht by dedicated and influential teachers.

Do you like it that way? (above)

Can you come up with another idea to include in that intro and in the conclusion? That would be great. For example, you can talk about the fact that language and math are considered to be parts of two very different kinds of thinking, and people are usually better at one than the other. You can express gratitude about how your teachers were able to empower you in both of these subjects.

If you incorporate another meaningful idea like that, you can make the essay more sophisticated, with full intro and conclusion paragraphs.

:-)