Writing Feedback / 'Night at the castle' - gothic descriptive piece [15]

The introduction will depend upon what it is that you want to convey to your reader. Do you just want to set up the scene? Or just offer a description? What kind of reaction do you want to illicit from the reader? For example, you can set up the scene by saying:

I knew I wasn't supposed to pass anywhere near Twilight Castle after midnight. I grew up on the bloody tales of corpses found just outside its gates, or blood curdling cries for help emanating from its towers. Fact or fiction, nobody in our community would be caught dead there at this hour. I didn't have a choice. The bridge was being repaired and this was the fastest way home. The smell of fresh blood crept up my nose as I...

or you could say:

The Twilight Castle was one of those areas in our town where the horrorific folklore of people gone missing or vampires coming out at night were usually based on. I can't fault the people for making up those crazy stories. After all, the castle did look like it jumped out of a Dracula novel. Then one night, I had to pass down it's way after midnight. The hour when everyone in town would bolt their doors and barricade their windows. I couldn't help but wonder if the stories were more than folklore..."

I know it does not sound like the way you would write it. You should give it a try though. It is important to set up your story from the first paragraph. So get at engaging and creative as you can.

Undergraduate / A young lady sitting contentedly facing to the computer - suggestions about my SoP [7]

Junhua, the first thing you have to do with your essay is remove the reference to your college years. That is no longer relevant to your application. What matters the most now is how you plan to progress your career since you already have a masters degree.You have already show us how your career has progressed since completing that course of study so what comes next for you?

How do you plan to scale this new height in order to gain your PhD.? At this point in time, you should be looking at how you can take what you learned from your masters degree, maybe your thesis project, and then spin it off as a topic for higher research in your PhD field. That is usually one of the ways that you can best explain to the reviewer how the university can help you and how you can help the university during your tenure as a PhD student. It is all about networking now so creating that contact through the university channels will somehow help you advance your career in the future.

Don't just say you want to work at a U.S. firm after graduation. Explain to the reviewer how your personal interests in this career will be helped by your degree. Maybe you see yourself setting up your own company in the future. Or maybe, you plan on creating some sort of software breakthrough. Whatever the purpose for your study, make sure that you involve the university and it's study grants, internship programs, professor apprenticeship opportunities and the like. You already mention that the university offers a program consistent with your research, so explain how you see the merging of the two so that the university will be put on the map by your work.

By the way, don't use the term departure at the end, that means you will leave the university try to find another term that will indicate you plan to stay and complete your studies instead.

Undergraduate / Explain why you are interested in the first-choice major-Mathematics? [5]

Nepal, your essay should be forward thinking in terms of presentation. Think of your future as a Mathematician and what you hope to accomplish as such instead of simply using your first paragraph as a look back on the reasons or the foundation for your love for Math. A response like that will really explain your interest in your first choice major. The best way to open this word limited essay is with the following paragraph:

What I like the most about Mathematics is that it has everyday use. Fields like science and technology, business and astronomy are incomplete without Mathematics...

This paragraph immediately delivers the response to the prompt. All that is missing after this paragraph, will be main reasons why you are interested in pursuing this degree. You can explain how you want to solve an unsolvable math problem such as one of 6 remaining Millenium Prize problems or an Additive Number Theory or other similar Math concepts that require you pursue a math degree. Give a simple run down of what your ambitions are and what you hope to accomplish in the future. the two paragraph concept is the proper way to respond to this essay. What is your limit by the way? It will help if you tell me so that I can better guide you in the development of your response.

Writing Feedback / 'Night at the castle' - gothic descriptive piece [15]

I sense influences of Twilight, a little Edgar Allan Poe, and some horror living dead influences in your essay. That is alright. The combination of those are what make for good Gothic narratives. However, your opening is weak. You were not really able to set up the immersive experience for the reader because of the limitations of a first person narration. The more effective narratives of this sort tell it from the second or third person point of view as it allows you to deviate from the setting, allowing for better scene and action development.

There is also a problem with your transition from scene to scene. For example you end your paragraph with " Hyperventilation, I suffocate. " Then you immediately go to the next paragraph with "The roof was made of blood rubies, while I observed the doors slammed shut. The question now becomes; "How did you get from point A (suffocation) to Point B (the roof). Always transport the reader to the next scene with a descriptive transition before you introduce the new events.

In the end, an otherwise relatively well written Gothic story was only marred by your ability to better narrate and transition the story. This is a good effort though and should get a somewhat good great with some comments for improvement from your professor.

Graduate / Review of Why do you want to pursue an MS-MIS degree at Mays Business School? -Pallavi Thakur.. [12]

Pallavi, are you supposed to be writing a personal statement or a statement of purpose? I would like you clarify that point because those two essay types have different requirements. From the sounds of your title, it sounds like you are supposed to represent the reason why you want to pursue this line of study, making it a statement of purpose. Yes, I believe that is what you are trying to write. As such, whether it be a personal statement or statement of purpose, you have written a very weak essay that does not contain any substance of note.

You cannot just tell a reviewer that you decided to take up this masters degree program based upon the fact that you have a colleague who decided to take the course, making you interested in it. It gets even worse because you mention that you did research in the field, helping you realize that this line of study is aligned with your goals. That is a general statement that says something without saying anything.

As such, you need to adjust the essay in order to give it a sense of purpose. Consider aligning these studies with your work related interests or activities. Think about how you can better relate the studies to your profession in order to create a connection or purpose for your studies. Just saying you thought of taking it up upon the influence of other people and your research does not serve as a purpose. What is the technical experience you speak of? Again, relate your current career to your academic interest at this point.

Think about how this course is supposed to create a better professional future for yourself. Where do you see your career headed after this? Those are some of the factors that create a sense of purpose or reasons for you to pursue the MS-MIS degree. It has nothing to do with the credentials of the university nor the extra curricular activities it offers. Those are parts of this essay that you definitely have to remove in order to concentrate on the central theme of the prompt.

If you can revise the essay to relate more relevant information, then we can work on creating a polished version that will best present your interests to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Overcoming a challenge essay [4]

Kenzer, your response to the essay is good. However, it is not really the kind of response that is expected for this essay. There are a few keywords that you have to represent in your narrative in order to properly present the discussion that is required: Make sure that you represent "experience of trial and suffering" in your life. There is no representation of a specific trial in your life that led you to suffering and enlightenment.

The essay you should write must discuss a point in your life that helped build your character in relation to your ambition. Right now, you say that your personal ambition has been to pursue a business administration degree. However, you already mentioned before that you did not value your education. Try to represent some difficulty in your work life that guided your towards the importance of education. Discussing that you learned about the way the world economic problems could have been avoided does not represent the requirements of the prompt. This is more a work related awakening rather than a personal experience. Those are two different representations with only the latter actually representing the prompt requirements.

For example, you can discuss how you tried to get a promotion at your office but failed to get it because of your lack of education. That represents an experience of trial and suffering. You applied for a promotion (trial) and failed to get it (suffering), or a topic along similar lines. Perhaps discuss how your lack of education has held you back at getting a better job or something. Those are the kinds of topics that fit within the prompt parameters.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: In this modern time, there are numerous people who have to work continuously in a long time [2]

Nguyen, when you write this kind of essay, always present the side that you do not support first. You have to present the opposing side first as by presenting that side, you are able to create a more solid foundation for your own side. By discussing the opposition, you can already discuss the weakness of their argument. Weakening their argument creates a sense of logic and adds to the validity of your statement.

By presenting the weak discussion first, you can argue your side from a position of strength. Show the mistakes in their idea in relation to your position. Use personal experiences whenever possible in order to create an authoritative voice for yourself within the essay. Consider this an opinion paper that requires you to balance your discussion in a manner that entices the reader to learn more about the topic through your essay. That will make your final discussion a highly informative and relevant piece of written work.

So basically, if you switch this essay around and make the part that says;

there are plenty of people have to work overtime perfunctorily because they need more money to pay for their essential daily products. These workers are usually the ones who migrate from rural sides to urban area to find jobs, so their basic salaries may be lower than urban dwellers. Therefore, in order to discourage working with extension hours, the government should devise remedies which could help them with solving financial problems.

one of your first discussions, prior to discussing your side in great detail, then the essay would have come out much stronger and informative. Over all though, this is a good piece of writing, grammar problems and all. It is content of the essay or the information within it that makes it worth the read.

Writing Feedback / Percentage of diverse leisure activities chosen by Australian boys and girls aging from 5 to 14 [2]

Dynar, when you are preparing a report for academic lecture, it is important that you always use the keywords in the provided report. This creates the necessary academic tone in your lecture and creates an air of authority about you.

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The given bar chart shows information about the percentage of diverse leisure activities chosen PREFERRED by Australian boys and girls with the interval age from between the ages of 5 to 14 years old . Overall, despite of their similarity, it seems that BOYS DOMINATE THE some challenging activities are dominated by boys while girls prefer doing an activity PREFER TO PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVITIES RELATED TO relating with artS and craftS.

Apparently, Australian children have a THE same interestS. THE SURVEY SHOWS THAT BOTH SEXES ENJOY THE FOLLOWING ACTIVITY AT 100 %: in order to spend their time as about 100% of both sexes choose watching TV or videos as their most favorite activity. Then, WHILE THE SECOND MOST PREFERRED ACTIVITY FOR BOTH ARE RELATED TO electronic or computer games become the second most preferable activity with the A proportion of 80% boys and 60% girls. Surprisingly, at A fairly similar percentage, roughly OF 58%, girls prefer riding bikeS as well as doing artS and craftS activity ACTIVITIES when they have DURING THEIR leisure time. While three-quarters boys confirmED that WHILE they are happier to ride a bike, only the lowest proportion of them, at approximately 38%, who choose INDICATED THAT artS and craftS activity as ACTIVITIES WERE their favoriteS. Having a gap OF around 15% lower than boys, girls enjoyED skateboarding or rollerblading, although, 38% boys actually prefer to do it during their spare-time.

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Pay attention to the tense usage for these types of essays. Since you are doing a report on a survey that has already been done and you have studied already, you should always use the immediate past tense form. You need to also be mindful of the fact that all of the information in this type of report indicates that the plural form of words must be used.

Writing Feedback / What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity? IELTS [2]

Risky, this is a grammatically flawed but well thought out and discussed essay. Therefore, you can expect to receive a good grade should this have been the actual IELTS test. You have a clear sense of logic and you presented a very thorough understanding of the prompt. The only flaw that your essay has is the fact that when you discussed the ways that crime can be prevented, you discussed the government responsibility and the educator's responsibility, but failed to discuss the fact that in order to prevent a child from becoming a criminal, the parents must play the biggest role in preventing juvenile crimes, which lead to adult criminal activities.

Rather than asking the teacher to prevent the criminal development of the child, you should have first discussed the responsibility of the parent when it comes to preventing their child from developing into a criminal. You should have spoken of how juveniles turn to crime as a cry for help or attention from his parents. Then explained how parents can help a child or juvenile steer clear of a criminal life. Remember, the existence of crime or criminals cannot be blamed solely on the government or education. There is a social aspect to the development that starts within the family.

So this essay could have been made even better incurred a higher grade had the discussion been more thorough by showing the complex relationship of the family, educators, police, and government in the development and prevention of criminal development among the youth. Those are the factors to consider where criminal issues are concerned.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Power sources to cities and transports that are generated from fossil fuels [4]

Akbara, your line of reasoning in sthis essay is confused. Your first line in your thesis paragraph states that:

Power sources to cities and transports that are generated from fossil fuels such as; the coal, oil and gas are converted to renewable energies which use the natural power of the wind, waves and sun.

However, the power sources from fossil fuels cannot be converted to a renewable energy resource as these energy sources are known as non-renewable and therefore, cannot be discussed in relation to converting the renewable energy sources that you mentioned. These are also not necessary to power up the renewable energy sources as these are designed to power themselves using the sun, wind, and rain power. Therefore, your opening paragraph is not correct. I suggest that you do more research into the difference between the two power sources so you can make a more informed thesis statement.

That said, your line of reasoning about the renewable power sources being more expensive at the start, becoming more cost effective and cheaper over time is excellent. You just need to learn to express yourself in more coherent English. At this point, your discussion is really hard to follow and seems to confuse, rather than inform the reader. I believe that , just like the renewable energy sources, you should improve over time, through constant practice and English usage.

Undergraduate / Essay: Communication is Power - it introduces different ideas, educates and informs the masses [3]

Elijah, while I understand why you would have been affected by the news that Peter Mansbridge delivered. He was only reading a teleprompter and did not have anything to do with the actual development of the news that was being broadcasted. So your response to the prompt is not exactly the kind of influential response that you hoped to deliver.

This prompt is asking you to look at the news journalists who have made a difference in the world through their journalistic endeavors. Since Peter Mansbridge is one of those notable names, don't relegate his influence to you to the news that he read from an off camera source for only a minute. Look into his hard hitting news presentations and documentaries. Which of his previous works did you watch a broadcast of that brought him to your mind and influenced your ambition to become a journalist. What is it about his journalistic style that you admire and wish to emulate?

Remember the essay asks you to consider a specific work of journalism from this person. Reading the results of the election does not fall under that criteria. You can still use the same person as your inspiration, you just need to opt for a stronger and more compelling reason for your choice.

Research Papers / ENG102 On the Rise Of Virtual Reality [2]

Brennan, your introduction is engaging and strong. It offers a clear overview of the topics that you will be discussing in the essay. You can further strengthen it by clearly indicating what your thesis statement is for this essay at the end of the paragraph. What is the reason for your research? How does it relate to the development of business and science? Try to give an indication as to how and what things will be discussed in your paper. The first paragraph is the summary / overview of your full research paper and will help the reader decide if you have written something he wants to read further upon or not. So offer as much summarized information as you can in that part. Specifically, the reason behind the research.

When you discuss the potential for the two programs. Don't do it so far down in the essay. Right after you describe the technology of for the oculus Rift, explain why you believe that it can be a game changer in a particular field. For the Oculus, I believe that it will be in the field of medical science. Explain its potential to revolutionize the way doctors treat patients remotely or physically (in terms of planning surgeries, etc.) For the Kinect, I believe that it will work more for the business side. Offer an explanation as to why that is so. Only after giving each its specific benefit in the field can you then discuss a combined potential in the two as you have currently presented.

There are instances of redundancies and lack of clarity in some of the essay paragraphs that can be polished as you move towards the final form of the essay. All of which can be addressed as the research is finalized.

Undergraduate / Seconds become minutes, and then hours, and then days, but I will value every single one. [2]

Hi Catherine, the essay that you developed is not off topic, neither is it dark and depressing. However, I can't really say that it is good enough. The weakness of the essay lies in its lack of focus on one topic. By presenting many topics to represent what matters to you the most, you ended up not really being able to develop the discussion so that the reviewer will learn about why these things matter to you. Rather than presenting so many representations, just one, the most important one to you and then develop that fully.

Your opening statement about the loss of the cerulean blue skies of China was effective. It was descriptive enough to have the reviewer imagining what you were describing and why it mattered to you. The topic you chose was timely and allowed you to discuss a topic, that of global warming and pollution with regards to its effects on your country. Everyone is familiar with the pollution problem that Beijing is facing. So when you spoke of missing the China that you grew up in, it really managed to touch a chord within the reader.

My advice would be to have you develop that particular topic instead for this statement topic. I believe that you have all of the existing elements to make it a highly effective response. It is perhaps, the best choice for you at this point. If you have a different idea for the topic you want to develop though, then go ahead and do so. You will always develop the topic that is closest to your heart in the best possible manner.

Undergraduate / I'm an enlisted sailor - USNA Personal essay question [7]

We need to adjust the content of the following paragraph so that it does not sound like you are advocating the support of criminal or negative world activities:

I would hear the stories of those who fought for vice (Word choice?) and freedom long before I had that chance.

Instead say:

I would hear the stories of those who fought against the international world of vice (Word choice?) and promoted global freedom long before I had that chance.

The adjustment makes the sentence clearer, more emotional and offers a insight as to how you truly view your responsibility as a member of the U.S. military, not just of the Navy. This way you sound more like you are answering a patriotic call to duty rather than simply trying to fulfill an ambition. It also better supports the following statement in your paragraph:

I heard the call to serve and without hesitation, I answered it.

Only, rather than just saying you answered it indicate that you:

I heard the call to serve and without hesitation, I am answering it.

The rest of the essay seems to be well developed at this point. Those parts may need to be edited or revised depending upon how the rest of your essay goes.

Undergraduate / I'm an enlisted sailor - USNA Personal essay question [7]

Hey YN, you have honestly come up with a very impressive statement here. However, the part that you want to use as your second paragraph would be wasted if you were to do so. It is actually a highly effective opening statement. I would not want you to relegate it to a supporting role when it can be the hook that you badly need to develop. It would be to your benefit to consider using that as your first paragraph instead. It will really help improve the essay.

This is a narrative that has to tell your story in the best way possible. The questions are guide topics to help you relate your experience to the reviewer. Now just make sure that you present your story flawlessly.

As far as the improvements you are concerned about, there is definitely a very big improvement in the way that you revised the essay. Regarding your concern about the transition, just come up with a transition sentence from the paragraph you have written to the next. That will solve the transition issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Information regarding the results of the communication skills [2]

The table illustrates information regarding the results of the A communication skills survey DONE between in 1997 and 2006. Overall, it can be seen that part in external communication, dealing with people is the most essential skill in communication job, whereas listening carefully to colleagues can be useful in line of internal communication. ACCORDING TO THE SURVEY, EXTERNAL COMMUNICATION IS THE MOST ESSENTIAL SKILL IN A JOB THAT REQUIRES CAREFUL LISTENING WHEN IT COMES TO INTERNAL COMMUNICATION.

To begin, THE survey on external communication in 1997 describeS about 60% of people WHO said that dealing AND COMMUNICATING with people is ARE the most necessary skillS that people should have in TERMS OF external communication. and in IN 2006 this percentage increased by 5%. Next, both of THE knowledge OF particular products and advising for customers experienced a slight increase OF approximately 6% and 3%. However, in the part SKILLS IN selling a product witnessed a decrease AT Around 24% to 21% between 1997 and 2006.

Turning to the resultS in THE 1997 and 2006 survey about INTERNAL communication internal , about 38% to 47% OF people believe that listening to colleagues can be very useful. Following this, in factors RELATED TO making presentations, instructing people, persuading others and analyzing problems together equally experienced growth AT around 4%-6%. While, planning the activities solely had increased around 1% , which it is the smallest from every factor in internal communication.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Which One Is More Important, Internal or External Communication Skills? [2]

The polling results of important communication skills in at work are presented in the table COVERING THE YEARS between 1997 and 2007. At the first glance, it can be seen that Cc ommunication skills are divided into two kinds , external and internal. Likewise, while dealing with people became the most essential ability in THE external sector, WHILE the most important skills NECESSARY ON THE in internal side was listening. In addition, allof the percentage rose gradually in all competences except capability IN THE ABILITY TO of selling A product or service.

According to BASED UPON THE external communication skill, most of people considered that dealing COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS AN ESSENTIAL ability were the most essential at 60% in 1997 and 65% in 2006. On the other hand, a A similar trend was figured IN by mastering THE knowledge of products and advising customers in both years at an average OF 38%. Afterwards, m Marketing competence showed a fall IN percentage and IS RECOGNIZED AS the most unimportant skill because it was represented only at 24% (1997) and 21% (2006) of respondents.

For internal communication skill, there was a slight increase of IN THE importance in this ability from 1997 to 2006. Capable to well listening was the greatest rise and the most important competence for people at 38% and 47% respectively in THE following year. Moreover, p Planning qualification was the most insignificant change AT approximately at 15%. Finally, less than 31% level was represented by other internal communication skills by plus OR minus 5% IN THE change of respondents.

Writing Feedback / El Nino affects climate in countries on both sides of the Pacific Ocean [2]

Ibrahim, watch out for the capitalization of words in your essay. Always remember to capitalize the first letter of proper nounrs. Exmaples of this will follow below along with other corrections:

The diagrams illustrate a comparison of THE El Nino conditions and normal p Pacific o Ocean conditions which THAT affects THE climate in countries on both sides of the p Pacific ocean . Overall, it can be seen that the THE MOST NOTICEABLE changes are in the wind strength that brings the WHICH CREATE THE WEATHER conditions known as El Nińo.

To begin, t The normal conditions in the first place, itshows on SHOWN IN the first diagram DEPICTS wind COMING from the east is AS BEING stronger than THE wind from the west. Consequently, s Storm clouds have moved to THE west , change CHANGING the weather conditions to rain. Following this, warm water moves in the same direction as the wind, while cold water rises from the deep on the eastern side, which results RESULTING in the increased number of fish near Peru , due to more nutritious environment.

Move MOVING to El Nińo conditions, the situation has changed dramatically to strong wind now blows BLOWING from the west side. That THIS makes CREATES storm clouds and PUSHES warm water TO move in the same direction as the wind. Both of these factors affect weather that there is WHICH CREATES the risk of drought in Australia, . w While in Peru, in contrast, it gets rainy. Another fact to mention is that RAINS COME AND the number of fish is going down GROWS in the coastal waters of Peru.

Graduate / 'providing enough for those who have too little' - UBC SOP Graduate Admissions in Computer Science [8]

Ishaqur, the following are the points that I believe can enhance your SOP. I think we should see how you will fit it into the essay and then I can come in and clean it up for you:

1.I worked 30 hours (full time almost) every week as an undergraduate teaching assistant for the Engineering and English department from my Junior Year while I was studying.

2. I worked as a Lab Instructor for the database management course at North South University for a semester after I finished my courses in December 2013.

3. I worked on various independent projects regarding database management, wireless communications and process automation.

Those are the parts that we can use to enhance the essay in my opinion. The extra curricular is not important nor related to the SOP so don't mention it at all.

Undergraduate / Parents mistake - I rely on myself to get what I want to achieve. Personal statement [8]

Hi Katie, I had to revise some minor sentences and do a few edits but I managed to get it down to exactly 600 words without affecting the overall essay. Here is what it looks like now:

I was born the product of a one night stand. My parents did not have any ...

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

Jon, while the award you received is globally known, you don't really manage to reflect a character building experience from your participation in it. It sounds more like you spent most of the time relaxing and just doing interesting things, but not really developing an important aspect of your personality or character traits. The essay prompt would rather that you present an activity that you participated in that proved to give you a learning experience.

Consider that you are being asked to describe your character in this essay. How did you become the person you are today? Look into your other activities and life experiences that directly relate to your true interests or sense of community service, and charity . Not the ones that you do for prestige. Rather, look for the activity that told you "I am a better person because I did this." Such activities normally relate to community service or socio-civic participation. Have you got any experience along those lines?

The DofE essay that you wrote is weak and barely responds to the prompt. The only actual response that i could find was at the very end of your essay. That is not how this essay should be structured. The influence of the experience in shaping your character or an activity that demonstrates your character should be consistently presented throughout the essay.

Writing Feedback / "planning principles" class provided me general information about regional and urban planning. SOP [4]

Mohammed, you are going way too much back into your past academic experience for a student interested in a PhD. The statement of purpose for a PhD does not require you to discuss you collegiate academic activities. That is way too irrelevant already since your masters degree has taken you one step closer to a doctorate. So you need to reflect the kind of professional that you have become over all this time.

When it comes to mentioning your academics, discuss only your masters degree experience. After that, move on to your current professional experience in relation to your masters degree and your desire to seek even higher academic studies at the moment. Show the progression of your academic and professional side that has led you to the door of a PhD course. Explain the reasons that seeking the PhD at this time is a necessity for your career.

Map out your career plan in terms of the way that the PhD can help you further develop as a professional. Remember that dissertation thesis that you wrote for your masters degree? Now is the time to review it. Look into some possible research avenues that opened up in that paper which you can further pursue as a PhD student and present that as one of the additional reasons for your desire to complete the PhD course.

The idea behind the PhD is to have you present a more advanced problem to the selection committee that they will deem relevant or pioneering in your course of study. They need to know that your interest in research and academics will help to enhance the image of their institution as a cutting edge source of future leaders in the field.

Unfortunately, none of those criteria exist in this draft. It also has an identity crisis at the moment because it starts out as a narrative then ends as a letter. An SOP is always written in narrative format, never letter type. So, we have a lot of work to do before you can even get to a working draft copy of your SOP. My suggestions should help you get on track. I'll be around to help you further define your SOP until you get it right :-) Good luck!

Graduate / UVa Master's Essay-Collaborate with someone whose life perspective was vrey differnet from your own [3]

Shiyun, this is a good start for your essay. the foundation of the strong theme is there and reflects the prompt requirements in a positive manner. However, there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done before it can be deemed anywhere near perfection. There are a number of points that you should pay attention to, regardless of the word count for now.

Start by dealing with your opening paragraph. You only have 2 lines in that paragraph and it does not really set up the introduction very well. Try to give an overview of the functions of the company that you joined, what your job was when you joined, and clarify who Mr. X is and why you felt a need to connect with this person.

Your second paragraph is too long and concentrates too much on describing the work situation at the firm instead of setting up a clear point of contention between you and Mr. X. Try to develop the idea of how the tension developed between the two of you in a quicker and more interesting manner. Keep in mind that the conflict between the two of you and how you resolved it is the central point of the essay.

The way that you depicted how you overcame the conflict is not really that strong since you sought the help of other people to accomplish your tasks and find better solutions to your time conflict situation. What you should be doing is presenting your desire to resolve the conflict with Mr. X in a manner that involved only the two of you. In the process, you will be able to better represent the "what you learned about yourself and what you would do differently next time" portion of the essay. At this moment, it is not represented in the essay.

Overall, the essay is not yet that strong. However, with our guidance, your patience, and a number of rewrites, I believe you will be able to perfect the essay.

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

Jon, as I read your essay, I was trying to find some kind of clue as to what the Duke of Edinburgh award was all about and why it was bestowed upon certain students. While I can understand that people from your part of the world are more or less familiar with the award, you should not assume that the reviewer at the University of Washington will be as familiar with it as you are. After you mention that this award is important to you, try to insert an explanation as to what the DofE award is all about and in the process, help the reviewer understand why you would pursue this award. What is the end result for a recipient of the recognition?

Overall, the reasons why you chose the activities that you did and how it helped to shape the person you have become are understandable in the essay. However, you may need to cut back on some of your explanation in order to leave room to shed light upon the criteria or importance of the DofE award. If the reviewer does not know what the award is about, he won't really consider its influence upon your development of significant interest.

I feel that you lack a clear description of how you evolved as a person through your participation in these activities. It seems that all you did was describe the activity and what you did in it, to the point where you enjoyed participating in it. However, how it helped you become a better person is not really well presented. Keep in mind that each activity that you participated in must significantly represent an improved facet of your personality or character trait. That is the main requirement of the essay and should be easily read, rather than deciphered by the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Collage Application Essay " What I learned from experience in CANADA " [3]

Kazu, what you wrote did not reflect the prompt requirements at all. Rather than presenting the development of your interest in your chosen major, you instead presented a background story for yourself. I did not see any reference to an experience that is related to your field of study. You only spoke of your difficulties in acclimatizing yourself to your new environment. So you cannot use this essay as the response to the prompt. A new one has to be drafted that is closer in content to the requirements of the instructions.

There are a number of things that you need to have represented in your responses based upon the original instructions you were given for the essay development. So the essay should have the following discussion in it:

1. Indicate the major that you have selected for yourself. Make sure that you don't just tell the reviewer what the major you chose is. You need to also develop the foundation for your interest in this field. For example, if you want to go to culinary school, you should talk about your early memories of food preparation in your house and watching people prepare the meals.

2. Your second paragraph has to contain an explanation of how and why you feel like this is the proper college field for you to delve in for studies. Normally, this is best represented by a personal experience or exposure to the field that further helped you familiarize yourself with the occupation or field of work that you were introduced to early in life. Make sure that you highlight the reasons why your interest in the field was further developed.

3. As a final paragraph, make sure to represent your future career goals. These are normally represented by your immediate plans upon graduation and your possible potential to seek admission to a masters level program in the future. Show that you do not plan to stagnate and remain in this basic field for long. Show the reviewer that finishing college is merely the start of your dreams, not the end of it.

Scholarship / Most significant endeavor since attending community college (Public Speaking) [4]

Zikora, this is an essay that provided all of the necessary requirements of the prompt. The degree of difficulty was two-fold since you had to convince both your classmates and then some members of the student community to take your speech seriously. It is not easy to convince people to at least care about their local elections specifically because of the reasons that you stated. So you should really be proud that your open-mic speech went so well and people were asking you questions about the election. I do not doubt tha tyou were able to sway at least a couple of students to go out and vote in their local elections.

The essay comes across as strong once you get to the middle of it. The earlier part, the discussion that represented your choice between talking about the Republican debate / U.S. national elections, or the local elections is a negligible part that can be removed from the essay. Doing away with that part will actually make the essay more interesting since it will have a tendency to immediately grab the reader's attention within the first few sentences. Start off your essay with;

"In the summer of 2015, I had to make a persuasive presentation for my Public Speaking class. ...Though I am not an American citizen, I've always been fascinated by differences between Nigerian and American politics. Furthermore, my interest in the American electoral process grew even stronger during my American Government class the previous semester... I found out that Fairburn, the city in which my college campus is situated, had an upcoming city council election two weeks from the date of the proposed speech. I decided focus on the council elections. "

Immediately follow it up with the rest of the essay and you will be fine. I would love to proofread this response essay for you once you have finished the revision. You may wish to add some ideas to the essay which is why I am refraining from editing it first.

Undergraduate / Experience with someone whose beliefs differ from mine [3]

Daysi, your essay is one of the best responses that I have read for this prompt during this current application cycle. It is on point and offers a clear idea as to what you learned about yourself and how this experience, of having to deal with someone who has a different belief from yours has helped you to evolve and grow as a person. You may some very valid points that shows a type of maturity in your personality that is not commonly seen among the other college applicants. While the theme and content of your essay is strong, it was weakened by some grammar problems and rambling sentences. I took care of those problems for you in this current version of your essay that I drafted for your benefit.

Scholarship / Greater expectations - FOOTLOCKER SHOLARSHIP QUESTION(S) [3]

Danny, while I appreciate that you want to share a little bit of your backstory with the reviewer, it does not really manage to connect to the prompt in a

manner that relates to the prompt. In fact, it does not create any interest at all on the reviewer's part if you keep that as your opening paragraph. My suggestion is that you revise the opening statement so that it reflects the decision making process that led you to take that very first college class. Making the decision to take that class was the true defining moment of your high school life so you should not make it a second stringer in your opening remarks. It should be the center topic of the essay.

That said, I would like you to double check your essay after you have written your new introduction. Be sure to proof read it and correct all of the spelling and punctuation errors. I have seen parts where you have a capital letter for a word without a period preceding it to indicate the start of a new sentence. Little problems like that can have a definite negative effect on the impression you are making with the reviewer.

As for the second prompt, I am not sure how you can accurately respond to it if, as you mentioned in your previous essay, you did not have any extra curricular activities. I am thinking that maybe you have worked part-time somewhere and have been required to work with a team or group in order to accomplish tasks? I believe that we can spin that into as close a prompt response as we can if you did. Tell me about the work and I will look into how we can spin it for your benefit.

Undergraduate / 4 Questions, 400 Words - Where to start? / NYU Supplemental Essay [3]

Hi Brittany, I revised your essay and cut out some parts to come up with 376 words. Here's hoping you like the edits I made :-)

I have lived in the same city, on the same street, in the same apartment, on the same floor, my entire life. I have woken up every morning at 6:45am, looked out my window at the Grand Central, to assess how late I can leave, gotten dressed according to the unsteady NYC weather, and waited for the Q69, my blue limo to drop me off two blocks from my all-girls, NYC public school.

NYU is in the center of the melting pot culture of New York City .Coming from Queens, Astoria, the appearance of eight types of diversity within my surroundings are imperative to the growth of my education and personality. In a diverse environment, such as thing one, students educate one another in ways that typical classroom situations do not. Knowing that NYU has such an engaging community of students, I am ecstatic about the idea of joining that group of talented students from all over the world, as to gain knowledge of their different cultures, interests, perspectives, and beliefs.

Professor taught classes, ranging in studies from psychology to the origins of mathematics, with hands on experience, and real world lessons, those are the types of classes provided to NYU students. With an expansion of the mathematics and science fields at NYU, there have been impressive updates to the facilities for Computer Science students, including world-class facilities in theoretical computer science, computer security, databases, computer systems, and many more fields. I not only plan on majoring in Computer Science, but also in their Neural Science program.I have learned over time that programming and science related fields require the same logical and level headed approach that most everyday problems do. The sciences have helped me to gain patience, determination, and ultimately, a focus. This intellectual stimulation, along with my desire to discover more about the world and what I have to offer, has compelled me to pursue a career in the STEM fields at NYU.

I know, as a determined, ambitious, and easily adaptable person, that I would thrive in this environment that the students, faculty and staff of NYU have created. I would be proud to become apart of that legacy and help build upon the brilliant things that happen everyday in the Big Apple.

Undergraduate / The absolute destruction of my life developed into a desire to succeed. 'Obstacle' essay [2]

Veronica, you need to make the essay less about your parents and more about the conflict that you faced because of their divorce. Listen, I can understand why you would want to tell the complete story of the breakup in an effort to lay blame for your grades. But the truth is, you have no one to blame for your grades other than yourself. You were the one that allowed your personal life to disrupt your academic life because you felt lost and had no guidance. However, the break up of your family is not the problem in your essay. The problem is that you lost hope and gave up on yourself. That is the real conflict that you faced and that is what you should spend more than half the space on the page on.

It will be better if you reduce the tale of how your parent's differences escalated. It takes up too much space and removes the focus of the essay from you. Always remember that regardless of the topic that is being discussed, you have to be the star of the essay, no one else. Instead of describing their emotions, describe how this affected you. Explain why you decided to stop attending school. How did it relate to the sense of loss that you felt? What did you do when you were not in school? What do you think is the real reason behind your self destruction at that point?

The last two paragraphs of your essay definitely helped the response get back on track. I think that it should work well with the revised essay once you get it done. Again, the last two paragraphs will be subject to further analysis and revision depending upon how you develop the content of your revised essay. I look forward to reading the changes that you will be applying :-)

Undergraduate / AP classes, UIL events, Academic Decathlon - these activities helped me achieve goals - Essay C [5]

Dustin, you are not really portraying any actual goals in your essay. You are just flitting about, discussing abstract interests that do not prove your academic or extra curricular dedication to your specific major. When the essay asks you to discuss your goals in relation to your academic and extra curricular activities at present and in the future, there are only 2 topics that you have to discuss. The first is your current academic and extra curricular engagement in relation to your major and relaxation time respectively, then, discuss how you see your subjects and social activities in college relating to that past. It has to be a seamless continuation of the past to the present, to your future if possible.

The essay currently reminds me of a rambling bush that doesn't gather any dust. While you have said so much in the essay, there is no real essence to what you are saying. You are merely exercising your creative writing skills at this point. What is your major in college? How does your previous participation in the decathalon related to your future plans? Is this academic or extra curricular in nature for you? You need to be specific and imply which parts of the prompts you are addressing with your statements in order to give it a sense of direction.

Your ultimate goal cannot simply be to record everything you have learned. We no longer live in those times of whimsical fancy. You need to have an actual goal or objective for attending college and you should be able to narrate it to the reviewer in a highly interesting manner. The essay definitely needs to be cut down by focusing it on various prompt requirements. I hope that you can try to focus your responses properly by yourself. It will be a tad difficult for me to do that for you.

Undergraduate / I'm an enlisted sailor - USNA Personal essay question [7]

I believe that for the first prompt, you should discuss something along the lines of what you learned about service to the country during the repeated visits to the museum. Highlight some instances when you found yourself so drawn into the myth of naval service that you felt a need to become a part of that world. Don't just mention the history of the Japanese and Vietnam war. Talk about how it impacted you as a young man.

From that point, try to develop your discussion about how you feel you can contribute to the navy and why. Try to address the part about how the Navy can help you achieve your long term goals. I don't see any reference to that at this point. How do you see the navy helping you develop your cause, sense of patriotism, or something similar while you are a student in their care? Be definite about your future goals. Right now, I don't even see a vague reference to it.

You have a pretty solid introduction at this point. It just needs to be extended to offer a better idea of how you developed your interest and where you hope that takes you in the future. Maybe you can explain something about why your father always brought you back to the museum. Was he a frustrated Navy man? Did he have a sense of patriotism that he passed on to you? Try to go deeper into your presentation of your interest development. It is a bit shallow at this point. Don't forget to outline those long term goals in narrative form for the reviewer to read. Otherwise you will fall short of responding to the prompt. Somehow, I think that if you can deliver on the first few points, using the suggestions I made, you will find it easier to develop your response to prompt 2.

As for your dedication to your goal and your desire to keep trying until you age out, I don't really think you will find a spot in the first or second prompt to fit that into because it does not align itself with the prompt requirements. If pressed to include it, you could try to add it to the conclusion of your response to the first prompt. Maybe we can somehow make it work if placed there.

Writing Feedback / Advertisements should not be directed towards little children but for adults [2]

Sakshi, having based your debate of the issue upon your personal experience is something that has made this essay quite authoritative without actually using researched material for reference. All essays benefit from the inclusion of life experiences in the discussion and allows the reviewer to better come to understand the extent of your understanding of the prompt. I am really impressed with the line of reasoning tha tyou used but a bit saddened by the way that the essay turned into a grammatical mess. Don't worry though, your opinion is clearly understood just the same. That is what matters the most. So, let's just work on improving your current essay at certain points below:

Televisions WATCHING today has not only become a source of entertainment , but ALSO a daily routine for most of the families including THAT INCLUDES children. THAT IS WHY THERE ARE ADVERTISEMENTS TARGETING CHILDREN ON TELEVISION THESE DAYS. and so have the advertisements shown on it. These advertisements are meant for commercial purposes, few are meant for awareness but AND with the increased business trend they have started targeting the young children too through toys companies. This should be stopped PREVENTED because kids of little age become stubborn and demanding AFTER seeing these attractive endorsements.

Recently my nephew started crying AND DEMANDING HIS PARENTS BUY HIM for a toy he saw in one of the ads on TV . and u Unwillingly my sister had to buy an BOUGHT THE expensive toy for him. He becomes too persistent for purchasing the toys shown in channels every time his parents go to market NOW HAS A PERSISTENT ATTITUDE OF DEMANDING HIS PARENTS BUY THE TOYS HE SEES ON TELEVISION. . This made me realize that why young kids are becoming targets for the commercial companies and why they advertis BY ADVERTISING on cartoon channels or other kid channels. Instead of showing fairy tales, publicity of goods has overwhelmed the television now CHILDREN'S NETWORKS LIKE NICKELODEON AND CARTOON NETWORK. Thus I believe that advertisements should be meant for adults only and not for children. They CHILDREN will demand for what they see as they are highly influenced by the creative channels like POGO, cartoon network and want to emulate that.

Such kind of ads comes up showing other small kids and show how a small kid asked his parents to get something and how he is happy . The kids tend to imitate them and this has become a problem for low income families.

In a nutshell, I would say that advertisements should not be directed towards little children but for TO adults. The kids should be able to see their cartoons without any commercialization though . PARENTS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE WHICH TOYS TO PURCHASE FOR THEIR CHILDREN BASED UPON THE COMMERCIALS THEY SEE AND ANALYZE. This is for their entertainment but not to attract them as customers.

Undergraduate / Parents mistake - I rely on myself to get what I want to achieve. Personal statement [8]

Hi Katie, the essay actually needed more work in order to prepare it for submission. Sometimes it takes a critical eye and the review of a stranger to make a confusing essay work better. So I took edited the essay for you. I prepared it as best as I could, using the information within it, to prepare it for submission. Don't revise or add anything to the paper. This is already ready for submission as it is. If you need to meet a word count and this essay went over, tell me, I will edit the content for you. If it us under the character limit, leave it alone.

I was born as the product of a one night stand(...)

Research Papers / Service Dogs: Helping those with Special Needs. [3]

Brad, the research reads more like an overview of your outline. It has the feel of an annotated bibliography rather than a full length documentary paper. Are you only supposed to deliver summarized information instead of in-depth analysis and information about the Service Dogs? The information that you currently have provided per topic is quite short and does not really offer an informative look at the history and use of these kinds of dogs. it would really help me to deliver a more accurate review if you could offer up the parameters set for your research paper by your professor. I need to know exactly what your professor expects you to deliver in this paper. Without it, it is a little hard to analyze the content of your paper.

When you discuss the history of the service dogs, try to start from the past going to the present and future of the service dog industry. Try to depict a clear idea of the history of the service. You only have a few lines referring to the history of this highly serviceable dog training at the moment. I am sure that there is more to the history of the service than what you currently indicate. Talk about the problems that the service used to face and it how overcame the difficulties of starting the service. What was the early opinion of the people who used the service? How has that point of view been changed or enhanced in our current times? Use the changing point of view about the service to lead you into the PTSD service the dogs now provide and where the future seems to be taking these canine friends of ours.

For the latter part of your essay that discusses the service dogs abilities, don't just say the topic is "Special Needs". It sounds like you do not have an interest in the discussion. I would suggest saying "Special Dogs for Special Needs" or something like that so that it can immediately tell the reader that there will be classes of canines and their abilities to help humans being discussed in the topic.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Living in Spain as a Christian Missionary.... [3]

Rebecca, your whole essay is interesting to read in terms of your background. the only problem that I see, is that your life is more religious than it is academic. So the inclusion of the paragraph about how you had to fit in at school and the culture shock you received upon attending the school seems misplaced. It does not connect with the rest of the essay because it seems like you didn't have a problem adjusting to the side of your life that deals with your being a Christian missionary youth.

I believe that your essay will be cut down immediately in length, making it fall under the minimum word count once you remove the paragraph that starts with "At my new school, I was surrounded by people from 52 different nations, which was quite intimidating at first. " It is not really a very interesting tale to tell as all students experience some sort of negative experience once they switch schools, or, in your case, countries and schools. However, that was never the focal point of your essay so it doesn't really help the essay along. It is disposable and will not affect the overall theme of your paper. Delete the whole paragraph. I only put a strikeout at this point to remind you of where you should start your erasing in the paragraph.

Why not try to relate your constant moving with your eventual acceptance of your life path instead? Explain how you came to view the constant moving and helping with the setting up of your parents church as a blessing that helped you learn things about people, cultures, and countries that you would not have had the chance to learn cooped up in a classroom. I believe that this is the point you are trying to make in your essay so you need to lay the applicable foundation for that topic at the start of the essay.

Scholarship / If you do not receive the MasterCard Foundation Scholarship what are your plans for the next 4 years [4]

Michael, the prompt was meant to test your sense of resiliency in the face of failure and adversity. Rather than depicting a strong character that will move on with his life and try to devise more ways to attend college, you opted to play the pity card and depict how you cannot enroll in college without the scholarship. That is not the correct response to this type of essay topic.

Your response at the end, about how you are now a science instructor who owns 10 chickens and 2 goats is the perfect response to his essay. Discuss how you know that getting a scholarship is never a sure thing, even for a person with the best of credentials, which is why, even though you applied for a scholarship, you decided to prepare a back up plan in case you don't get the tuition sponsorship. It is important to show the reviewer from the very start of the essay that you are prepared for any eventuality and that their gift of helping you with your tuition fee will be appreciated but not expected.

Let them know that your desire to attend college and the ability to do so will not hinge on the scholarship. That is going to impress the reviewer because you have shown your ability to expect the unexpected and make preparations for a future that could face difficulties. Just erase the current beginning that sounds more like you are already complaining about having lost the scholarship and the unfairness of life. You need to show the reviewer that you understand how life isn't fair, but it does not dictate how your future will go. Just because things don't go according to your prior plan does not mean that you have to throw your future away.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Some people believe that students need to consume healthy diet at school. [2]

Akbar, your essay does suffer a bit from repetitiveness as Sakshi said. The repetitiveness of your line of reasoning comes from your lack of information regarding the topic. While you were able to improve the essay by quoting a source of information, you dropped the ball in terms of continuing to grow the discussion using other opinions, be it personal or researched. Some additional points of debate that you could have used in the essay include:

1. Deciding whether the one meal a day at school that the children get has any real impact upon their learning abilities.
2. The sometimes limited food budget that parents have which could lead them to choose more processed than natural food for the kids.
3. The lack of or limited feeding programs that public schools try to implement to help the students get a nutritious meal.
4. Who has the main responsibility for the health and well-being of the child. Should the responsibility be the school's because they teach the children? Or should it be the parents responsibility because they are the people who were given the social, moral, physical, and intellectual responsibility for raising the child?

I will not judge your work on this essay simply based upon your repetitiveness in the discussion. What I would like to do is give you a chance to revise the content of the essay using the suggestions I provided. Try to make it a more interesting essay that covers various facets of the debate. Research information to support it if you must. This is just a practice essay, so you have the opportunity to repeat one essay topic until you get it right :-)

Writing Feedback / Children should be prepared to be a parent [4]

Anna, your essay is filled with redundancies and misused words. Most of all, your example of technology in relation to parenthood does not make any sense because you are talking about a generational issue that may or may not be a problem anymore in terms of raising children by the time this generation of children become parents. So your essay not really effective. It is only effectively flawed in terms of grammar and reasoning. Here is my take on how you can improve the content of this essay.

Undergraduate / Disneyland vacation - Short response based on culture [9]

Katlyn, your response to the prompt regarding cultural difference and diversity (that is the prompt that best suits the statement you developed) can be considered average at best. It lacks a personal connection between the experience and any possible lessons you may have learned from it. It sounds more like a 4th grade "What I did During My Summer Vacation" essay than a formal college application.

You need to develop at least a senior level of word usage and difficulty to show your higher level of intellectual learning at this point. Like I said, the essay was developed in too elementary a manner to make an impact upon the reviewer. If you wish to make an impact, then you first need to develop your word usage. Now, don't go overboard and pull out a dictionary so you can use the most difficult sounding words. Don't mistake flowery essays for a good essay either. Just write this as you would your senior level essay paper in English. Show a degree if difficulty in word usage, sans becoming verbose.

Next, you need to better develop the idea behind your narrative. Your observations did not somehow make any strong impact upon you. It wasn't like you actually experience mingling with the people beyond observing them. The essay is not asking you to describe the community you come from, although that did help your essay a bit. Instead, look for a way that you were able to actually interact with these people in Disneyland and describe something that you learned from sharing a ride with them, waiting in line with them, or having a meal together. The key to making this essay effective is to show that you spent time with these people of other cultures, were able to observe the way they honored their culture and traditions, and learned from that interaction. You will need to discuss how this experience changed your point of view about them , or not. Those are the points that will fulfill the prompt requirements.