Writing Feedback / Toefl; Self studying or studying with a teacher? [4]


This is a poor sentence. In body paragraphs you need to give the reasons to defend your position in the argument. Research and self-study are two different things. Why you think self-study is better than studying with a teacher's guidance? That's the question you need to answer. So, start the para with a solid reason as to why you think so.


It's actually not about research. It's about having yourself accountable for your success. When you do self-study, there is no help you would get from another person. So, you would have to look after yourself and that itself assures that you would be more keen on your studies.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Both parents, father and mother, are indispensable to grow up a child [5]


Wrong grammar here...
Both parents, the father and mother, are equally important for a healthy growth and development of a child.


This is actually a wrong introduction. This is not what your prompt says. It says;


This says fathers too should be equally responsible for bringing up children as their mothers do. Always read the prompt very carefully and keep your writing well aligned with the topic. It's pointless writing a full essay that goes out of topic. You'll have to pay for that with your score :(

Scholarship / I STRUGGLED WITH MATH ; Gates Millennium - difficult subject [3]


As I was approaching the end of my senior year, I was taken by the depressing feeling over my poor performance in math, throughout these twelve years.


Math related subjects, for example Algebra and AP Calculus, were the subjects I truly struggled with.
My struggles in math continued until my freshman year whenuntil I took geometry.

Graduate / I intend to study Systems, Measurement and Control ; SOP ( 500 words) [3]


contribute your part for what? This sentence ends abruptly :(


I feel this needs more work to impress those admission officers that you are truly passionate about this field. Tell them how you became interested in this field ( not just general statements, but try to talk through past events and experiences) and then how keen you were in pursuing your interest.

Your SOP needs more creative presentation. It is a good opportunity for you to introduce yourself as a person to the people sitting at the admission panel. Make use of that opportunity!

Writing Feedback / Food is easier to prepare; life's more convenient for people, save a lot of time [3]


.... grammar is wrong;
changes have made life so convenient / change has made life so convenient


Ok, so you agree that preparation of food nowadays is easier. So, in the body paragraphs you need to give reasons as to why you believe so. What is the reason you are talking about here/ It is that there are new technologically advanced kitchen appliances that make life easy in terms of food preparation. You should have begun this para with this reason and then support that reason with a more specific example. For that example, you should have cited microwave and elaborated on its functions.

Writing Feedback / Introduce yourself : Tell me about your family ? Tell me about your house ? .. [5]

Well, I find the first sentence is not adding any value to this response. Pleasure and enjoyment always deal with happiness and this whole idea is not giving any meaningful thought to the reader. I strongly suggest you to remove this sentence from this paragraph.

In fact that, most of my family's free time is spent in talking withto each other about our current life, current work and future planssharing our experiences, thoughts, and future plans.


...Rather than saying this, it's better you tell them about your feelings and experiences when you have family moments together. That's a better way to have the reader impressed.

Writing Feedback / Same amount of money for students' sports activity/ university library? [6]


The problem here is that it supports only one side of the issue before introducing the issue to the reader. So she (dumi) may have got the impression that you have stated your opinion as you opened the essay. It is the first impression the reader gets. The hook should provide you an entrance to the introduction to your topic. It should be relevant to your topic and catchy too. However, toughing on only one side of the argument in your hook may sometimes give this misleading impression.

Writing Feedback / ART SHOULD NOT BE FUNDED BY THE GOVERNMENT; AGREE/ DISAGREE? [4]

This is a good body paragraph.
You write very well.... Especially your overall essay structure is very good except for the introduction. Pay attention to the structure suggested by dumi. The most important thing that you have missed there is that you have not mentioned which position you take on the issue. With a good introduction, plus your grammar, vocabulary,ideas etc. you can easily aim at a very good score.

Writing Feedback / The educational process - Parents are the best teachers? [7]

Ok, let me too comment on your body paragraphs :)


In body paragraphs you should first tell the reason to justify your position on the issue. Then you should support that reason with a specific example in order to convince the reader that you have a good reason for taking that position. So ask yourself what is the reason here. To, it seems like they are the first teachers that children have. But, for me, it is not a strong reason to argue that they are the best teachers.

Writing Feedback / BENEFITS OF READING [6]


... there are some grammar errors I find here. Below I fix them all;
I am not sure whether the ghost stories make me happy, but some people find them very exciting and an ideal way to keep them inspired when they are bored. The other benefit of reading is that it helps developing our vocabulary. Reading gives the best understanding as to how we should handle particular words to describe a particular situation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task two essay about job satisfaction [3]


Yes, it is important to know your title for us to provide you more meaningful comments.

Writing Feedback / Toefl ; Who are the best teachers? If parents are able, they should teach them. [3]


.... this has some grammar errors;
First, the children are very dependent on their parents. It is a known fact that children develop a great bond between themselves and their mothers from the time that they are in their mother's womb.

dependent on and not depend of


Give more specific examples to support your reasons.

Writing Feedback / Television damaged our interactions and made us disconnect from each other for several reasons. [3]


Before the TV was introduced, the family members had better interactions and more private time for the family in which they used to spend time together.


This reason is almost the same as the previous one. It's better to have a different reason in the second body paragraph.


.... This is very true, however, this reason is out of scope. Your topic is about how TV affects communication between people and not about how it affects people's productivity. Your writing should be aligned with your topic always.

Writing Feedback / I plan to live in the United Kindom! [4]


.... There are a few things I don't understand;


... why dangerous?


... take down what?
This is what I could do with rephrasing;
The concerts in the UK are much more entertaining than those in America. Stage props and set ups are far more advanced and dangerous too. These concerts bring together thousands of people who share a common interest. It can be seen that some fans even help the bands with stage set ups. This is not found among the fans in the USA. Further, the rules too are more lenient compared to the regulations in America.

Writing Feedback / Countries should not isolate themselves from the world but instead engage other countries. [8]

.... Ok, let's have a look at your introduction;


This is quite good. Generally this one is the structure (which dumi often suggests to those who prepare for TOEFL) and I find your intro has a good alignment with it. However, you can improve on the background part further.

Writing Feedback / GRE argument response--Of the two leading real estate firms in our town Adams is superior [4]

My pleasure dear! :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; It is essential to treasure music as one of the vital kinds of art [2]


Nowadays, there are various types of music that we hear.


This should have been a better hook for your essay. This is the structure dumi suggests for others essays for constructing introduction. It is very logical and wish you too follow that.

Undergraduate / experience important to my intellectual development [2]

Hey.... this is what I just said in a thread and it applies to you too :D
"First, what is the topic of this essay. It is important for us to know the topic or the prompt so that we know what it expects from you and also we can check whether your writing is aligned with those requirements. Make sure include that with your essay . Even now, it is good if you can post it here for others to know to earn more meaningful feedbacks"


So I just let myself in that situation believing it cannot be altered for any better.



However, for my Basic Education Exams (B.E.C.E.), the first external examination I took, I decided that I should put a little more effort to get better results.

Writing Feedback / Charity began at home - helping others essay [3]

First, what is the topic of this essay. It is important for us to know the topic or the prompt so that we know what it expects from you and also we can check whether your writing is aligned with those requirements. Make sure include that with your essay . Even now, it is good if you can post it here for others to know to earn more meaningful feedbacks.


... generally is role is played. Also, charity plays a vital role in what? You need to specify!
We all agree that charity plays a vital role in poverty alleviation in today's society. ... may be you have a different reason to say, but whatever it is, you need to specify that!

Writing Feedback / The Role of Media in The Lives of Americans [2]

Media has had a profound affectimpact on the lives of Americans / Media has profoundly affected the lives of Americans


... These should be combined to be one sentence'
Be it print media in the 1800s, or new electronic media in the early 2000s, media has attempted to both shape and reflect the moral values and ideas of American culture.


Its influence is quite obvious in the way American perceive certain political issues and tragic events.

Writing Feedback / After 19 century, everything changes dramatically like never before - Life today is more comfortable [8]


They didn't have lots of options that we have today.


These are not very good examples for your reasoning. Travelling had been there in the past too, and it was always a valued exposure irrespective of times. The education example sounds much better.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-More and more people want to buy famous brands of clothes, cars and other items. [5]

What are the reasons offor this phenomenon?


First, companies spend lavishly to advertise their brands and these advertisements make a great impact on developing a brand loyalty towards their products in consumers' minds.


Secondly, people, especially the younger crowd, tend to follow the trend and just follow what their peers do.


If people buy everything that is advertised, then their buying decisions do not reflect any prudent buying. They may be believing everything said in the advertisements as true, but in the real world it is not so.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Many people prefer to rent a house rather than buying one- advantages/disadvantages [4]


Actually this is an example and not a reason. The real reason is that people can have better choices of choosing places when they are renting a house because it is a low cost option. You may not be able to buy a house closer to the city center because the house in those areas are very costly. However, renting can be a possible option. You can talk about schools and hospitals in your examples to support the actual reason.


Here the reason is that rented house is a temporary solution and not a permanent solution for housing. You do not own the house so you do not make decisions as to how long you are going to stay there or what features you need in that house. Simply, you live someone else's property.

Writing Feedback / After 19 century, everything changes dramatically like never before - Life today is more comfortable [8]


You should write your essay and post it here for comments for improvement. You can follow this essay structure (dumi suggests this to others and I too feel it is a quite logical structure)

If you have more reasons you can keep increasing the number of body paragraphs.

Scholarship / Making Amends with My Reflection- NTU Scholarship Essay [5]


yes.... ordinary guys like us don't have any idea about that.... you should either specify what it is (just say hormons) or just leave it out coz you've given a list of things.


Yea, I generally don't read responses in full, but this was something very interesting and really captured my attention. I hope those scholarship guys too would find it in the same light :D

Writing Feedback / The importance to have second language ; First paragraph [6]


... you should have stopped the first sentence after "motivation and attention". Then begun the next line.


Well, overall I feel your contents lack logical reasoning. You keep telling various reasons that benefit an individual when he learns a second language. But reader cannot grasp them convincingly as they do not have a proper base. Either you should have given examples to support your reasoning or you should have given more conceivable reasons like;

1. Learning a second language enhances one's communication ability
2. It also helps a person to enhance his or her outlook and there by broaden his/her perspectives.
3. A second language helps people with career opportunities - they standout others in competition.

Scholarship / Making Amends with My Reflection- NTU Scholarship Essay [5]


This is awesome writing .... I like your style of writing :)


My mother tried everything within her power to make me look normal like my two sisters.


.... what does this mean? I am confused :(



.... this second part is not clear to me ... better improve its presentation.
I enjoyed reading your response and feel very happy for you! You are a hero and can go a long way forward! Wish you good luck mate!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Subjects taught in schools are to be decided by central authorities or teachers? [4]

Being in the teaching profession for years, teachers would be able to clearly picturise the ideas and topics which needsneed to be highlightedincluded in the education programme


Before coming to this example, you should have shown the contrast as to how politicians would fail in such decisions. Then this example would have been more effective.


.... well, this is a weak statement. First, it is not always true too...may be some silly politicians in some countries do that, but it is not fair to generalize that they try to capture students' minds with such tricks. However, you could have said that politicians may try to inculcate their political views on children by using curriculum as a tool.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Average weight of people is increasing and level of health decreasing,solution [4]


.... this is a confusing sentence.... you do not express your ideas clearly.
First, with the advancement of technology, people find convenient solutions to manage their day to day activities and therefore they are no longer required to engage in manual work. This makes them burn less energy leading them to encounter with many health related issues.

You should have included the full prompt with your essay. Without seeing it properly, it is difficult for us to make more meaningful comments. Please post it here.

Scholarship / DATING SCIENCE & psychology - NTU [6]


... it is a science and an art too ...LOL :D
Hey... I really like this little piece of writing. Very creative indeed....however, I have never come across any guy who dared to read a book on dating. You are quite organized and interesting :D

Anyway, you've done a wonderful job with this response. I hope and pray you will be successful with this transfer.
Cheers
Pahan :)

Writing Feedback / "Old is gold" - City should try to preserve its old, historic buildings [3]


government wants / governments want
What is this writing for? Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? If so, follow this structure for your introduction (this is what dumi suggests for others and I'm copying it for you)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Today's competitive society requires at least social independence from parents for survival [6]

I too agree with yyc1 and dumi and it is good to follow their instructions. You can improve on with each practice test you post here as many others do. Let me also highlight a few things I came across in your essay;


Here, you consume about three sentences (first 3 sentences) to elaborate one single idea which is young people today prefer independence. It is very important to avoid redundancy in essay writing. When you express one idea, it is ok to have another sentence to elaborate further on it, but do not keep doing it. That will be boring for the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Food travels thousands of miles from the farm to the consumer. Good or Bad [3]


I don't find much meaning here... This sounds like a too obvious fact. In essay writing you need to keep the reader's interest in your writing. So, every time you should tell him something that he would arouse his curiosity. Too obvious facts only makes the reader boring, not interested. So such sentences would only be an overhead to your essay and would not serve any purpose. Avoid writing such sentences.


... this should be the starting point for your body paragraph.


Yes, this is very very important... I cannot give you meaningful comments without exactly knowing what your prompt is. Hope you post it here.

Undergraduate / The volunteering programs offered at Emory University - programs/activities [4]


I feel you better be a little more specific. Study some of volunteering programs at Emory and tell that you wish to join them and earn a particular kind of exposure. That would be more convincing rather than just telling that you wish to be part of volunteering programs. You need to show them that you have done some research on the uni and you are clear about what you are going to do there. It's important!

Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? Provide me with the best education to start a career in computer science [5]

Georgia tech is one of the most important research universityuniversities in the world.


Well.... you say GT is important and provide the best education, but you don't answer the questions why it is important and how does it provide the best education. You better do a bit of research about its features and talk about these things through them. You have to tell them what you want to achieve and how Georgia Tech can help you in that pursuit. Otherwise these sentences would be mere statements you make on just surface. They would not be convincing.

Scholarship / Moving from Mexico to the United States; Academic Challenge Description. [4]


... I think you may have refereed to the demographics by this word (biodiversity) because biodiversity refers to the variety of plant and animal life in a particular habitat that has less impact on your personal or day to day life. The demographics refer to various aspects of people such as age, life-style, ethnicity etc. which has more relevance with this idea (in my opinion).

I felt very fortunate of having enrolled the school where I am studying now because I was well received by kindits teachers and classmates.


I never felt alone.


Well, you mentioned adapting to new environment was the most arduous challenge... But these lines do not support that idea!

Undergraduate / I am me and I am unshakable; Colgate supplement [2]


What type of person I'd become with the influence of the college I attend?


... you need to enhance clarity of this sentence....not very clearly presented :(
I know I am myself having a strong identity, but I openly acknowledge that every situation or experience I have encountered has enriched my personality with a flavor of diversity forming a new Elizabeth Knudsen.


I feel you don't have to repeat this question... Keep answering because it is implied.

Graduate / I was numerically inclined; Statement of Purpose: Masters in Analytics [5]

I like your SOP because it is not as bulky as many other SOPs I read. However, I wish if you added another line to say how your interest in this field was developed in the first paragraph. I mean it should sound like a passionate hook that the reader would get the idea that you are truly passionate about your field. Also, it is good if you clearly express what your future goals are and how will this program help you achieve them. Other than that, I like the way you have written this Statement of Purpose.

Writing Feedback / Young adults - early independence or living with family for a long time? [4]


Yes, I too agree with greenleaf. Your topic sounds like an IELTS or TOEFL topic. If you prepare for those exams, this introduction is way too long and won't help you with managing your time at all.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT 2 - Advertisment is more harmful than helpful to humantity. Agree or disagree? [6]


.... This sentence has lots of issues....Also, your idea is not clear ... resemble what? what is this comparison? You should start the introduction with a hook that has the power to grab the reader's attention. So it's important you come up with a strong sentence when opening your essay.


.... This is confusing too., Your prompt ask to which extent you agree or disagree and you need to make your statement keeping it simple and clear;

I totally disagree with this view.
You need to pay more attention to grammar and vocabulary.