Undergraduate / "Go to Play Basketball" - how will u contribute to our school [3]

Well... I really like your use of the word trifling, and I like some other adjectives, like "foggy."

Trifle works well in this sentence, because it means thesaurus.reference.com/browse/trifling

Now, for this sentence, you can start practicing with the figure of speech called an "article." For example, "the." ----> The ball is to the court what a dream is to life.

That makes it sound more natural. However, many ESL students have trouble with the word "the." It is actually quite powerful to omit the word "the" sometimes. Maybe you did it on purpose.

Anyway, this is a very thoughtful essay. But the difficult part of this essay is "how will you contribute?" You should answer the question. Give a paragraph that tells specific ways you can contribute: encouraging people to explore sports, using teamwork in other activities besides basketball, starting a club, etc. Name some facilities and programs at the school to which you will contribute tme and energy and enthusiasm.

Research Papers / Research Paper: Personal Dissatisfaction of Kafka in "A Hunger Artist" [3]

Fix that spelling of weak.

If this is to be a research paper, you should read articles about what other people have written about this story by Kafka. Google this:

Kafka hunger artist analysis

Don't forget to cite your sources!

BTW, I love that story!! It really changed my thinking. The hunger artist wanted to just keep on not eating even if it killed him! How strange...

Good luck! If this is a research paper, use one paragraph for every article you read about the story, and explan all their ideas along with your own.

:-)

Dissertations / A possible duration for a Phd? [5]


Harsh!! Wow...

Well, people sometimes take years to finish their degree. However, get a book such as Educational research by Cresswell (2008) and you can read it to see what is required in the research work. You have to be ready to do a research study, and this study might be very simple or very complex.

Try this: google "grounded theory" and learn how to do qualitative grounded theory work. Then, get involved in a program. If you can afford it financially, don't hesitate! And plan on using grounded theory for a study about a process that you find fascinating.

Undergraduate / "Whistler"- Common app main essay(Topic of your choice) [5]


It is supposed to be written like this:
all-encompassing.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common app LONG essay - person who had significant influence on you (aunt, bro) [5]


You can do both! Please give people some significant feedback about their essays. Offer ideas instead of just a quick compliment! :-)

Writing Feedback / Viet Nam traffic [7]


The first sentence is a "statement of the obvious", so you should say something more clever. The 2nd sentence has a semi-colon when it should have a comma. The third sentence has no period and is missing a few words:

Problems associated with transport and congestion of traffic are becoming more serious day by day.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Why Harvey Mudd College-This student asked and answered his own question [4]


I think it is quite an audacious thing to do! It can be good or bad. It is bad if you seem like you just had to write a why essay for other schools and included it just for the heck of it. It is good if you make a big deal of the fact that you wanted to express WHY you wanted to do there but were dismayed to see that no such essay was required. How impressive it is to impose an additional requirement on yourself! :-)

You write very well, but I want to know WHY it is essential for you to go to this school instead of some other school. What makes this school best for you? Convince them that they must let you into this school in order for you to proceed on a methodical and brilliant process toward your goals.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay A government plans to build a new research center [5]

Hello my friend! In conclusion, that whether people use the research center for business or agriculture depends on their preference.

You use "whether" when you write about something that is like this or like that. I don't know whether you understand or not. Whether or not you use the research center depends on your interests. Whether you use it for business or agriculture depends on your preference.

Undergraduate / Duke Sup-why you want to study engineering and why you want to study at Duke [2]

In that first paragraph, I thin it takes too long to make your point. From the reader's perspective, it is nicer if you don't make us follow you through all the explanation... I would at least cut out some of it, like:

My interest in environmental engineering comes from my experiences of a river near the house where I grew up. Flowing into Grand Canal, the river is encompassed by wheat fields stretching to the horizon. It was my relaxation heaven throughout my childhood. Early in the morning, I would jog along the riverside through footpath dotted with beautiful wild flowers. The view of poplars across the river faded in and out of the refreshing morning mist, giving me an impression of wonderland. Clear ripples and endless rippling wheat nearby created an ideal place for my thoughts to gallop. The river was an indispensable part of my life. However, several years later, everything about the river ...

Now, that first sentence says your interest in environmental engineering came from experiences of the river, but actually it came from something else, right? It seems that it came from your experience of loss associated with the river. That is a subtle but important difference.

Undergraduate / Living in a diverse community, Colgate supp essay - comment [4]


Use a ? question mark, because you phrased this as a question.

Speaking of living in a diverse community, what is a better place to experience than India?

...one of the most diverse countries that one is likely to encounter during life.---You just totally convinced me that I want to live in India some day...

Undergraduate / THE HANDKERCHIEF (That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country) [7]

Use a spell-checker. For example "handkerchief" and "competitive."

... you became champion in a long way running. ----> who is "you"? I am a little confused, but with careful work you can add some sentences that make this easy to understand.

There a beautiful girl gave you an hankerchief to dry sweat dripping into your face. ----> dry things don't drip, and sweat is liquid. Liquids are not dry, unless they are vermouth or ginger ale, but that is different...

Except you, he said he couldn't receive from another women's". ----->
this is where I start to get really confused.

I recommend putting a good, clear intro paragraph before this pararaph that is currently the intro. Explain what the essay is all about in a good intro paragraph. :-)

Graduate / Henri Poincaré quote - SOP for Ph.D in Urban Planning [7]

...wanted to conduct an independent research projec t. Not many students did that during senior year because of...

I think this should all be put together at the start of paragraph 2:

The essence of the issue is to ask the right questions. I need to find the right ones. This thinking built up an inner...

Then, you have to include a sentence that mentions "asking the right questions" somewhere in para #2. That will make a very nice flow of ideas at the start. This is already a very impressive essay, though!!

Graduate / Motivation essay for European Business School. [9]

It is with great pleasure that I am coming by this letter to convey my vivid interest in applying for The Master of Science in International Management (MScIM; starting in Fall 2010) is a...

I chopped that weak cliched opening so that the subject of this first sentence can be the master's program. Try writing the sentence from here.

The Master of Science in International Management (MScIM; starting in Fall 2010) represents an important step in my process of...


When you say "thus" it means that what you are about to say is based on what you have just been saying... but nothing in that first para suggests a way you will reciprocate the benefit.

Oh, I see that this essay is very strong and that you have great qualifications! I just suggest rewriting that first para so that it focuses on your clear intentions, your clear plan for the next 5 years, including this school as a necessary step. Bolster that intro! :-)

Undergraduate / Hello my future roomie! Stanford University Short Answer [6]

Awesome, I like the approach you took. I think this way of responding works quite well. Now, after everything you create, there is usually a superfluous detail to chop out:

However, as I look back on it, this piece says a lot more about me than just the rudimentary details. The flow of the letter reflects the way I think. It is a collection of random ideas and concepts, tied together by what seems...----> just start the para with "The flow of this letter..." and see if you like it that way!

:-)

Undergraduate / a change which occurred last summer - General Topic Question [5]

Hi Avesh! Thanks for your kind words.

What do you mean by self-interest? thefreedictionary.com/self-interest

And what do you mean by I do not mention doing anything just to get into college, but I think it may be implied.

After the summer, I became a more...

Oh, I think I understand what you mean. Your challenge is to prove that you had a revelation. I help other people because I honestly believe, as a matter of spiritual practice, that the same being is taking form as all these various creatures... so I think I am you, and that is good evidence to support the assertion that I became more interested in helping other people.

So... rather than focusing on how you used to be self-serving and now are not, focus on proving to the reader that you have had a revelation about the importance of selflessness. (i.e. because the self is only a fleeting dream)

Undergraduate / "Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone." [2]

Because of my experience in the USA, I have learned know how to make good decisions and cope with stressful situations -- remembering that I shouldn't worry much about things that I cannot control. Through my experience of leaving my comfort zone, I have learned to never be afraid of anything because wherever I go; I will always discover new things and meet great people, so through the experience, I believe that I have developed philosophically and socially. -----> this sentence becomes weak after it goes on and on for too long. In an artful way, break up long sentences. An essay should be one central idea (a deep thought), and in the essay you are allowed to use as many sentences as you need to explain all the sub-thoughts (1 sub-thought = one paragraph) that comprise the central idea.

So...
one essay = one big thought
each paragraph = one smaller thought to help explain the big thought.

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplemental Essay: Transforming Stones into Diamonds [8]

This essay has a great start... way to hypnotize the reader! In your final draft, you should probably use italics instead of CAPS if possible... unless, you know, this is an online application or whatever.

Now right here is there you need some reinforcement of the theme:
Two hundred high school sophomores, each in a green t-shirt with "Michigan Youth Leadership Conference" printed boldly across the chest, stared attentively at the ball of energy before them, and every ear was tuned into the story he was sharing.----> Now that you have told me about the vein popping out and about the Youth Leadership Conference... now you have to tell me what the real deal is with this essay. What is the theme, the subject I am reading about?

In order to introduce the main idea (in between the t-shirt description and the parable about the sage), you need to be able to capture it in a single sentence. That is hard to do, because what you have to capture is the central truth about you as you are reflected in these paragraphs. Whatever it is, say it in a sentence! Good luck. :-)

Undergraduate / My Network Administration teacher, a person of importance in my life [5]


Well, it sounds like in addition to changing his attitude, he also pantomimed what he wanted you to do. So... probably it was the pantomiming that really helped most.

Now that I have experienced a near-nervous breakdown from ignorance, I fully appreciate the virtue of patience, and the willingness to simply explain.---> This part is great! I hope you'll make it a more substantial part of the essay! In fact, I advice moving this great sentence to the introduction. :-)

Undergraduate / Personal Essay- Carmen, a person of significant influence [5]


Now turn your mind sideways as you read the essay again... and then go back and let this opening line morph into something worthy of the essay. It can express the same thing about wearing boots so you can take the trail, but turn it sideways.

You write so well! Obviously, this will be successful.

This paragraph needs at least one mention of a COLOR.
I never met the person who made the trail. I stumbled...

Undergraduate / "My parent's divorce" - UCF prompt [5]

...been living with my mother in a single-parent household ever since . There was no alimony or child support, and over the years I watched my mother struggle to support my sister, my brother and me.---> in this sentence, I took out some unnecessary details. Unnecessary details make writing less powerful.

I think disorganized might be better, although unorganized is a word, too, I think. However, it seems like neither is very good at the START of that response, because they don't describe you. I thought the whole, long para was going to be all about you being disorganized -- because when you use the word at the start like that, the reader thinks that is what the essay is about.

So... how about an introduction sentence that really captures what the response is all about... and separate it into 2 paragraphs! :-)

Undergraduate / Essay about myself for Georgetown-feedback [7]

Awesome, this is good stuff. Here is my challenge for you: Can you take that excellent first paragraph and transform it into a paragraph about an experience of apprehension just before entering a situation in which your OCD might cause embarrassment?

Then, paragraph 2 explains it, just like you did, and then you talk about the school,, and finally you asssert your confidence at the end. I just want you to try the first para as one about an experience of difficulty with OCD, and just see if it is better. It might not be! But I think it would be cool.

Undergraduate / Rice University, Supplement, cradle of its field [9]

Thanks, I'll keep Google Translator in mind for when I need something like that...

Undergraduate / My grandfather --a person or event that has had a profound effect upon your life [2]

So, be careful of those unnecessary capital letters:
After Spending spending a lot of time with such an ambitious person, I wanted to know more about his past, so I had to ask my dad.

The essay is engaging; the beginning catches my attention by making me see that scene with the paper plane and your grandfather. I think this essay is sucssful, aside from the errors that need to be corrected. It is great that you connected this influential person with your professional aspirations.

Undergraduate / UT@Austin Topic A: my sister, Helen [4]


Yes, it sounds like she made you feel responsible! I hope you are old enough now to realize that she was just being a rebellious teenager and using you as a reason to lash out. She probably did not realize she would hurt you that way!

This is such a powerful essay; you write very well, but I think you should add a little at the end so that the reflection in the conclusion applies this lesson more to your life. Enough about Helen! Add one sentence to the end of each paragraph to tell how this relates to you, and add a few sentences about your OWN process in the conclusion -- your future, and how it was affected by this.

Essays / [Beginner] Essay writing guide, maybe about "Street dogs" [7]

Birzhan gave a great explanation! Do you know what he means when he says "hook?" It means the first senence of the essay should grab the reader's attention:

I am like a pack of stray dogs living in the street.

Also... when you give that thesis statement, let it be the main idea of the whole essay. One essay = one big idea.

Each paragraph should express a smaller idea that is related to the big idea.

Express that big idea in both the first and last paragraphs.

Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [6]

Getting up everyday and looking through the San Francisco Chronicle I am reminded of the fact that I am not 18, and therefore I am not legally able to vote on any of the daily, controversial issues about which I often have strong opinions. about.

I think the last paragraph should start with:
At our first conference in November, I was... and then complete this paragraph by adding a sentence to the end that will show, through reflection, how this experience changed your feeling of being inert. (good word, by the way!)

Undergraduate / "inferiority complex" - MIT most significant challenge essay [8]

To this day I am uncertain of the root cause of my brother 's inferiority complex. Raging hormones, Social awkardness , peer pressure -- and the list can go on and on. At first I did not pay much attention to his unorthodox views, but instead simply tried to reconcile them with my own perception of the world. Yet my approach had a very basic flaw which I realized a lot later.---->great self-analysis!

How about using " " marks:
What I learned from the experience is that blaming others for your own failures can be called "consoling yourself" at best -- and "satisfying your ego" at worst.

Undergraduate / JHU supplement.. needs some fine tuning [2]


It sounds like you want to pursue international studies because you enjoyed traveling. I wonder if there is some underdeveloped insight hiding in this essay; is there a specia revelation you had after gaining a multicultural perspective? Reveal it at the start of the essay, so that the whole essay will be more powerful and memorable.

You focus your last para on language, so I think the first para should also discuss language -- perhaps as this special insight that you found in your travels.

Undergraduate / regional Science Olympiad - "How Did You Get Caught?" Essay [4]

This year I realized that, after 12 years of schooling, after reading my teacher recommendations through the teacher's perspective, portray me as a r are, well-mannered student and a methodical thinker. as I desire complete comprehension of material and exhibit thorough thinking when evaluating a problem, considering all relevant possibilities to the answer, catching me in the fruition of my character.

That sentence was too complex! I simplified it. After that sentence, I suggest switching to the next paragraph. Don't write it all as one paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / Columbia University & Yale University (Admissions essays) [4]


I like this essay the best, and prticularly this insight. It is a unique perspective, and I think it will make a good impression. Essay idea #1 was too much like a stream of consciousness brainstorm with no structure. And... I think he content is better than the third one. :-) So, that is 2 votes for the second one!

:-)

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: About me. Acting. [4]

In order to be a good actor, you must be able to pretend in a way that is as r eal possible.


Above, what does it mean to operate? Don't say any meaningless things in this important essay!


Sounds superficial, thirsting for attention. This is sort of a statement of the obvious, too, because the lead role always gets more attention.

Reflecting on both my roles would be unfair to describe me, because I wouldn't say I'm arrogant nor would I say I'm complacent or shy.----> it's good that you start talking about what they say about you, bcause that is what the essay is really supposed to be about. I suggest looking at the topic sentence ofr each paragraph and seeing if you can rewrite each topic sentence so that it is a sentence about what your roommate should know about you.

:-)

Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]

...elder siblings, seven first cousins, two uncles and aunts, my parents, and grandparents all living...

All the schools that I had attended in India lacked a wide variety of clubs that I could have been part of, but I created clubs on my own according to my interests, and if conditions would not allow it to grow I would continue the endeavor of exploring my interest on my own.

Undergraduate / MIT spare time essay and appealing major [5]

My father inspired me to read newspaper daily, and today I have switched to the use of online news sources due to environmental concerns. The subject I most like reading about is technology. I spend at least half an hour every day by reading RSS feeds of sites by engadget, android community, slashdot, BBC news and Times of India (are any of these proper nous that should be capitalized? ). I like my feeds to be managed so I use Google Reader to manage them effectively.

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

Yes, that sure is true. The rest of the essay does expound the new advances. What I am trying to say something about is the impression the reader has at the end of the 1st para. Oftentimes, the thesis statement is given at the end of the first para, and if that were the case here, the thesis for this essay would be: Although results have been mixed, a number of interesting findings have emerged. That is a little too general, but in this kind of essay it would be excellent to use a bulleted list to prepare the reader for what is to come. That bulleted list can serve as part of the thesis statement. However, it is just th thought that came to mind for me. Like Jeanie said, this essay is already looking very good!

Essays / An essay that compares two books - what you understand from these? [2]

I am in the dark. You write well, but this needs an intro that will support it. This is such a complex topic! It needs a good intro to support the many aspects of it.

I look at the topic sentences to see if an essay is well-structured:
[i]The calmness of a motion, waves upon the surface of the ocean, striding back and forth, synchronizes a symphony, a rhythm, or33 a mere justification, of the beautiful of existence, of the law of conservation.

Family, as the19 devout history describes22 the20 phenomenon, through a18 thousand-year-old pen...

Brutus, a relative of the protagonist in Caesar34 had been born with endless beauty.

Brutus, 73 emotionally reliant on a figure valued at "more than a hundred schoolmasters (due to inflation, it has quadrupled, in present day)" (Herbert, George) finds that his mother does not demonstrate the full sincerity he perceived.

"You [my son, Kasper] are a force to be feared" (Feist 22) as the father of the protagonist, 40 valued at "a hundred schoolmasters" (Herbert, George) proclaims in Exiles Return.

Inducing a current through these hazy untamed fields of unchartered land, as his father ...

If this was clearly structured, the reader could get a sense of your meaning just by reading the topic sentences. I suggest that you should go to the beginning of every paragraph and add a good topic sentence that tells the main point beng made in the paragraph.

Essays / The Relationship Between Substance Abuse and Depression. Extra-curricular essay [3]

At age sixteen, she tried again, and this time she succeeded.

So you see that As a teenager, I saw and felt have not only seen but also felt first-hand the affects that depression...

Despite the knowledge gained by the personal familiarity I have with a sufferer of teenage depression, I've never completely realized the seriousness of the illness.

Undergraduate / UCF "How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are" [4]

This essay gives many different ideas, one after the other. I think you should establish a min theme and concentrate on it:
I am sure to succeed because I am so inspired by my family -- especially my mother and father.

Don't talk about the food. Don't even talk about tradition. Stick to this main theme about how you are motivated by inspiration for which your mom and dad must be thanked. They struggled, and now you are going to work hard to honor his effort.. :-)

Undergraduate / Symphony - Williams Admission Essay [3]

...same fondness that I afford a well-executed performance-with pride and knowledge that I have done that best that I possibly could.

This is pretty great. It can b improved with a few more imagery wors so that the reader sees some specific things. "Orchestral musicians" puts a picture in my mind, but hen you name them the various instruments picture stays the same. When you mention the conductor collapsing in a sweaty heap, the picture still stays much the same, because you have not offered specific words that add definition to the overall picture of the orchestra. If you tell me colors of clothing and the type and size of the concert hall, it might make a vivid image in my mind.

This is alreay excellent; I'm just offering the idea that comes to mind.

:-)

Graduate / Career objectives_Accounting major [6]

This experience helps me find out my strengths and limitations in work and enlightened me in a way that enabled me to build a solid foundation to my future career.

Okay, I think you should add a new intro paragraph so that your para #1 becomes para #2. Add a paragraph that answers their 3 questions.

Then, explain the answer to the first question in para #2, the answer to the 2nd question in para #3, and the answer to the 3rd question in para #4. For each of those paragraphs, use a topic sentence to show clearly that you are answering the question.

I think you should use tis same material, because you have good points, but organize them carefully. Answer the 3 questions at the outset, and then explain those answers in the body paragraphs. Finally, in the conclusion (5th) paragraph, write some thoughtful ideas about the 3 answers to the questions.

Graduate / What is the impact of sop (political science) for the approaval of MA? [4]


I don't know the answer to this, because every school is different.


I thik you shoud mention the qualities of the university in order to show that it is better than other universities for smeone with your specific interests.


In my opinion, it is good to explain a lot about your research interests and your specific plan for the tme you will spend at this school with its esteemed professors.