Scholarship / Being able to leave a mark is what makes it worthwhile to get up in the morning - 'impacting others' [2]

Dismas, you'll have to edit this essay for word count, you are over the limit by 6 words. That doesn't matter though because you will need to write a new essay in it's place. You see, this essay is all about your internship experiences. There is no true leadership and influencing statement being made here. Name dropping people who may not be recommending you for the scholarship won't help your application. For this presentation, you only narrated your participation on team activities, without actually referencing a leadership role.

It would be best if you could expands on specific leadership and influencing roles during your tenure as council president the supported it with a similar presentation within a community organisation volunteer activity or within the performance of your profession. Don't highlight you internship experience unless you can clearly define your leadership role and influencing skills.

As a doctor you are a leader and influencer in your country by default. You just need to learn to pick the correct instances to showcase these requirements and develop these in the essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / The Maldives... jewel of Indian Ocean [3]

Mohammed, this is an acceptable English writing exercise. While you do have existing grammar problems, these do not make your narration difficult to understand. I found that your descriptions were imaginative although you made certain reference errors in your presentation. For example, South India is a location, what you meant to say was South Indian dishes, which refers to the food in the region.

You also need to be conscious of when you capitalize words. Only the first word of every new sentence is capitalized. Proper nouns should be capitalized when used in any section of the sentence. No other instances require word capitalization in a written presentation.

You show real potential when it comes to creative writing. This type of English writing exercise will help you better develop you use of the language and familiarize you with more English words. Good job! I hope to read more from you in the future.

Scholarship / Gathered professional and personal contacts through the network that I created as a student [3]

Chi, the main problem with your essay is the focus on thenwebinar contacts. These types of contacts, though useful, creates a one dimensional representation of your networking skills. You need to show awider example of your network building and development skills. These interactive contacts show that you are efficient when it comes to using the internet but you lack actual interaction and networking skills development in the real world.

This essay requires you to show that your network is strong in terms of physical contact with leaders in your country. The webinar you attend is not impressive because that is international based, meaning everyone else in your field uses the same webinar. Your network needs to be developed locally and nationally through actual interaction via real world semjnars, training, and other related programs. Otherwise, it will not be a useful network to add to the Chevening roster.

Read the networking samples at this forum and develop a new essay that better reflects the real world requirements of this prompt. This essay is simply too weak in terms of networking presentation to help your application.

Writing Feedback / Temperatures and hours of daylight - Writing task 1 : the tables [3]

Diep, your attempt at reporting the contents of the chart is admirable. You accomplished the assigned task to a great degree that will ensure at least a passing score for this essay. That said, there are a few presentation problems that need to be addressed.

The first problem to be addressed is the way that you do not fully utilize the given information in the chart. While I know that you are trying to show off your English vocabulary by not using the actual measures indicated, that could work against you in the scoring process. The lack of proper reference to the given measurements could create confusion in the presentation.

This is one essay that is not analytical in presentation. You should use the reporting method for this because there are no points for comparison provided. Therefore, a straightforward report regarding the given information is all you have to present.

You wrote only 152 words for this report. Only 2 words over the minimum. I urge you to try and write at least 175 words for the Task 1 essay so that you can maximize your overall scoring potential and show a greater degree of understanding with regards to the given information.

I believe that you have the potential to improve with your Task 1 writing skills. You have shown a glimpse of it in this essay. I hope to continue guiding your development in the future. Keep practicing, it's the best way to improve.

Writing Feedback / Reasons for youth crimes (essay for Cambridge English Exam) [3]

HI Jiamei, there are several Cambridge English exams that a student can take. Please be specific about which one you are preparing for so that exam specific advice may be given to you in the future. For now, I'll just give you general advice based on the given prompts.

There is only one question that requires a response in this essay and that what causes the young people to commit crimes. Do not deviate from the discussion. Do not offer additional information when it is not asked for. Your discussion of the solutions to the problem will be considered misplaced and as such, could unnecessarily lower your scoring considerations. This is only a 4 paragraph essay that requires 2 reasoning paragraphs in the middle then a concluding paragraph at the end.

Pay attention to your first paragraph. It is always better to offer a paraphrase of the topic for discussion before you give your direct response so that the reader has a better idea of what the topic is about and what the discussion requirements are. Prepare the reader for the discussion, don't just throw the reader into it.

Identify the type of English exam you will be taking when you post an essay for review again. That way I can tailor the advice to the requirements of the exam.

Graduate / I want to be a professional in financial consultant that can support Vietnamese companies - SOP [4]

Hatrang, is this a personal statement for the university or a personal statement for a Canadian visa application? You need to be clear about which audience the statement is addressing because the personal statement for each one has difference guidelines and prompt expectations. Overall, this is an effective visa personal statement but a bit too long for a university based personal statement. For the university based personal statement, you need to indicate not why you chose to study in Canada, but rather why you chose to study at the Canadian university. If written for a visa statement, then you need to address both the choice of country and university. What makes your essay strong for a visa application is the clear desire to return home after you complete your studies. For the university, the academic and professional background that you have are plus points. I can't go beyond these comments because I am not sure which type of visa you are applying for. Best of luck !

Graduate / JHU addmision essay about business leader. [3]

Zhao, this was a grammatically problematic, but almost perfect essay for the prompt. I was willing to overlook the grammatical issues as that is easily overcome by proper editing skills. However, the fact that you discussed this promising project as a failure for yourself towards the end defeats the promise that the essay initially held. This type of prompt is asking you to speak of your total successes, not partial success with a focus on the failure of the project. Your story held promise because of the leadership shown through the created opportunity and the method by which you inspired others to action.

However, when you said that you did not receive your commission, this showed a failed project on your part with regards to created opportunities. A true and effective leader would be successful all the way, not just part of the way. I am hoping that you will be able to change the story you are sharing here to one that shows a total success on your part so that the essay will totally embody the required ability to create an opportunity, inspire others to action, and had a positive result for both you and those you inspired in the end.

Scholarship / Conquer the access to untapped resources by connecting with people. Chevening Network Question [6]

Walter, there is a clear disconnection between the contacts that you made. The contacts sound almost disposable in your presentation because you have a different set of contacts indicated per paragraph instead of having a fluid merging of contacts as time went on. So this tells the reviewer that your networks have an expiration date. you forgot to indicate how you continue to maintain your old contacts even as you continue to make new ones.

Your social media contacts are the weakest in representation in this essay. I don't suggest that you use those because the situation was too negligible in presentation. The situation you presented did not require the use of contacts or a network. It was just an inquiry, which does not qualify as nor require a network contact. Unless you can show a more serious use for this social media network, you should skip mentioning it.

Speaking of mentions, you blanked out specific names in the presentation. As I always tell the students here, if they are not referees for your recommendation letter, then you should not mention them at all. Remember, you need to present one professional contact and one academic or community service contact. In this instance, it appears that you will be presenting two professional contacts, since their names were specifically mentioned in this essay. Consider the drawbacks of mentioning them directly. You can always just use their position titles in place of their names.

Writing Feedback / Children Obesity and the Government and the parents responsibility (Aim for IELTS Writing 8.0!) [4]

Hi Josh, since you are asking to have your test scored, I prefer to do it on an individual basis so that you will know exactly where your strong and weak points are. Let's get started below:

TA - 6 - Paragraph 4, your personal opinion, should have explained why you do not believe that parents should be blamed for the rise in obesity among children. You need to counter the public point of view in order to convince the reader that your personal opinion is the correct one.

C&C - 6 - There are times when the length of your sentences hinder the understanding of your presentation. While you discuss only one topic within the paragraphs, the lack of rest points in the paragraph for the reader makes the passage difficult to follow thus making it confusing to read at times.

LR - 6 - Your lexical resource for the English language is intermediate. You know enough to get your point across but your word choices lack a complexity that would offer the idea that you have an increased English vocabulary capacity.

GRA - 5 - You are attempting to use complex sentences but end up presenting run-on sentences instead. Always divide your sentences into short but informative presentations. Your run-on sentences are created by your use of commas to connect your thoughts in the sentence, even if the ideas are not connected and should be presented individually instead. Limit your sentences to 5 informative presentations that do not over discuss the topic.

This is not a bad first attempt. You could probably score a 6.5 for this type of writing. That means you have the potential to reach your target score of 8 if you can improve your lexical resources, develop better sentence presentations, and learn to create highly informative paragraphs that do not ramble on. Keep writing. I have a feeling you will reach your target score sooner rather than later. I look forward to helping you achieve that.

Graduate / ESSAY- MSc in Finance Carey School of Business; Benevolent Business not only for profit [2]

Xiong, removing the second paragraph will help your essay become more relevant to the prompt. Your explanation referring to the business world that you move in within your own country signifies that you understand what "business with humanity" in mind refers to. Your experience as it refers to business and its relationship with the community highlights that you have a foundation in reference to the objectives of the business school. It basically implies the skills and abilities that you already have, will work on improving, and will fully utilize over the next 5 years. You may want to include a reference to how you plan to use the same skills to help develop the communities that your businesses will be engaging in. That way the discussion becomes supportive of both areas and shows an interaction that will benefit from your training as a professional. You clearly identify how you will be sharing these knowledge and skills with the business community upon your return so I believe that your essay is strong in terms of content. It should work very well as an accompanying essay to your application.

Scholarship / Summarize what your proposed leadership activity is intended to achieve; internships dates, location [3]

This is one of the better developed Endeavor scholarship application essays I have read so far. You have managed to address all 3 aspects of the prompt in a relevant manner. Your choice of university is clear when one considers the reasons for your choice. However, you may want to consider adding some specific information as to how you expect the university to help you increase your knowledge in this field. Note any internship programs or leadership activities that students are asked to participate in as part of the reason that you opted to attend this university.

Don't start the second paragraph with "Since childhood", reviewers hate reading such exxagerations. Instead, you can start by saying "I grew up in a small..." because that directly ties in with the reasons for your interest in agribusiness and the logic behind the potential learning experience coming from your leadership activity. The rest of your explanation that ties your family business with the Mongolian farmer's problems makes this a very strong paragraph.

Your last paragraph is a problem though, you were not able to include the proposed dates and locations of your fieldwork / internships. These are required information for this essay so you need to get the information from the university as soon as you can. You may need to revise the early parts of your essay to fit all the required additional information within the word count. Trust me though, the additional content will only serve to increase the profile of your essay in the reviewer's eyes because it will be highly evident that you did your homework before applying for the scholarship. It will draw attention to your application.

Undergraduate / Successful students at Johns Hopkins make the biggest impact by collaborating with others [2]

Hazel, the learning in this essay should not be limited to collaboration. You should also consider the lessons that you learned from partnering with other organizations, the difficulties that you faced while establishing your organization with your friend, and how you learned to face your weaknesses and overcome it. I am particularly interested in how you were affected by the 50 victims that your group offered mental support to. There are so many learning lessons in this essay that the only limitation to your presentation is the word count. You have a very effective series of collaborations that you should further develop to help strengthen this essay.

You can do that by revising paragraph 3 based on the information that I suggest you present. Once paragraph 3 becomes more responsive, your essay will become even stronger. Focus on the learning aspect rather than the amount of money you collected. Discuss the collaboration with other groups and how difficult or easy it was for you to become affiliated with them. There are lessons for you to learn every step of the way. Make sure you highlight that. Reflect some more about the way you reached this current point in your organization. How did you get to it? Integrate that into the presentation.

Scholarship / Networking is like a car engine - Chevening [4]

Ninin, you hve to understand what a networking essay is all about. You are supposed to prove to the Chevening reviewer that you have a current working network of professional and other related contacts that have been instrumental in the completion of your tasks or the growth of your career. Your essay was on mark with the first paragraph, but too old to be considered a still existing and working network. You failed to indicate that you are still nurturing and developing the network that you built at the time which invalidates the network claim you made. The second half of the essay is more focused on leadership and influencing, so it should not be introduced in this essay.

You should work on developing the network that you developed during the national crisis. Show the development of your network from there. It should continue to the present in terms of development, relevance to your profession, and actual use. If your network does not represent that, then the essay will not work for your application. The network needs to prove to be useful to the Chevening community so if you are not continuously developing your network, then your network is weak and will not help advance your application.

Scholarship / NETWORKING HAS FUELED MY CAREER. Chevening scholarship on networking skills essay. [2]

Benjamin, we meet again with the same problem. I will not review this essay until you provide the proper 500 word maximum format for your presentation. It is not my job to edit your essay down to the proper word count. I am not the applicant. That is your job. Be conscious of the rules when applying for the Chevening scholarship. They have been known to disqualify applications because the rules were not followed. You will obviously be one of those disqualified on a technicality because you did not keep track of your word count. Edit this essay. Come back here with a properly presented essay, within the word count, then make the thread URGENT so that I can review your essay properly. You will not get any sort of review from me at the moment because you have not followed the guidelines so any advice I give you will be useless at the moment. Edit it down to 500 or you won't qualify for scholarship consideration.

Scholarship / A LIFE TIME LEADER AND AN INFLUENCER IN ME. For Chevening scholarship [2]

Benjamin, I am not going to give this essay a serious review because you have not written the content as per the Chevening requirements. You have a minimum of 100 words and a maximum of 500 words for your presentation. You did not even bother to read the prompt instructions did you? I know you did not read it because if you even scanned the instructions, then you would have easily known that you went over the limit with this 1077 word essay. I cannot even begin to review this because the essay is overly informed. Edit this down to the proper 500 word format and then come back to a more serious review. Take this application essay seriously. Follow the rules. Any violation of the rules set by the prompt requirements, any irrelevant essay when compared to the prompt provided will disqualify your application. As of now, the length of this essay alone will be enough to disqualify you from the running. All because you failed to follow instructions.

Undergraduate / Sloppy Joe Symphony - Common App Draft; something that sparked a period of personal growth [6]

Alesyka, due to the actual lack of focus of this presentation of either an accomplishment, event, or realization, it is difficult for me to say that there is a true period of personal growth in this discussion. This does not follow the parameters set for an essay of that type. However, you did write an essay that has an interesting presentation of a different side of your personality. That means this essay can still be useful to your application if you change the prompt. I was thinking that you should do just that by using the following prompt instead for this essay:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

The prompt I presented to you fits your essay perfectly because you don't really write about anything that is of the utmost importance to your application, and yet, you have an essay that presents a side of your personality the common app prompts don't allow you to discuss. So why not use this essay anyway, just change the prompt to better suit the content? It's just a suggestion that I hope you will consider.

Scholarship / Essay question - Development of leadership skills [3]

Javiera, the best way to approach this essay, in my opinion is to set out your leadership skills by example. Listing your attributes is fine, but actually proving you have the working skills, as required by the prompt is another thing. I believe that you would better be able to set out your skills and attributes if you say, discuss how you approached the research work for your college thesis or any group research project during college. That will be relevant since you are being asked to explain how your skills will help you further develop as a leader in this field. Therefore, the prompt requires you to indicate how you can use your team management style to develop as a leader during this academic period.

The second prompt, asks you to consider your academic and professional goals for a response. What particular aspects of your study will allow you to handle people or spend time with leaders of the industry that could have an influence on your future leadership style? Improving your leadership ability will rely on your internship experience during the program. So where will the internships take place? Who will be handling you? What leadership style do you hope to develop based on your possible experience? What sort of leader do you hope to become after this experience? How do you feel your improvement as a leader in this field will help to develop the field further in your country upon your return? These are the questions that, should you choose to respond to them, would better draw out the proper response to the second line of your prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / An Indonesian student in the United States - Common App Essay - 1st Prompt [3]

Hi Hany. This is a very strong essay that responds clearly to the prompt requirements. You have a truly unique and interesting background. You may want to clarify thought that eventually, your parents did marry and that you and your siblings now carry only one last name. That part isn't very clear in the essay and leaves the reader with a question about how the love story of your parents was resolved. That's just a small observation on my part that may or may not be important to the reviewer, but still, you should make sure that you present a completely told story for your background and the story of your parents integrate into your story. Aside from that, I don't really see the need to change any presentation in your essay. It is extremely well written for the purpose it was intended for.

Scholarship / Delegating the right task to the right person. Chevening Leadership Essay [3]

Mohammad, this is not a leadership and influencing essay. This is going to function in a better capacity as your networking essay instead. While it will need additional information as the networking essay, the content you have here is enough to say that you have the job half done. What you have to develop now is a proper leadership and influencing essay.

The main topic should be how you founded RAW. Discussing the objectives of your company will help to establish your leadership requirements. Explaining how you hired your staff and directed them to do their work within the company lays the foundation for your leadership skills in terms of development and implementation. Explaining how you handled your difficult employees, without firing any of them, will highlight your influencing skills as a leader.

The topic I chose for you to discuss will clearly establish the evolution of your leadership and influencing skills. Using the proper information in the revised essay will allow you to present yourself as a future leader and influencer if not in your country, then at least within your profession.

Scholarship / Logistics project - Leadership for Chevening [4]

Poni, the focus of your leadership and influencing essay should be on how you, as the youngest logistics manager at the company managed to lead a team of older people. Certainly your position requires an age-gap discussion. So the main point you have to make in this essay is how you earned their respect to become the team leader that they would follow and take instructions from and how you used your youth to influence and inspire them to work for you. That is how you frame this leadership and influencing essay in an effective manner.

The first part of the essay had you in an assistant position, which is not the same as a leadership position. Omit that part. Just talk about the project in 201 that you took the lead on. That means you will have to write a new essay that will highlight the events that took place during that time which resulted in a successful leadership and influencing task for you.

Scholarship / I chose to study renewable and sustainable energy at Murdoch University - Endeavour essay [3]

Luisa, rather than explaining what renewable energy sources are, you should be explaining where you plan to do the research instead. As you are asking to be considered for admission to a course that focuses on renewable energy sources, you should be adding information about the possible internship that is attached to the program. If you truly thought out the research that you wish to do, then you would have considered where and how the research will take place as well. Mention if the university will sponsor your research undertaking by referring your to companies or if they have an internship program at energy companies and corporations that you can take advantage of in line with your research.

Based on the outline for the information in the prompt, it appears that your essay will be better served if you placed the information about Murdoch University at the top of the essay, as the first paragraph. That way your discussion follows a clear system of discussion based upon the listing in the prompt presentation. However, I find that your reason for university choice is a little on the simple side. You need to give a more profession related reason for your choice. Something along the lines of Murdoch having a concentration on a specific renewable energy field that you hope to install in your country upon your return, or something along those lines. That way, when you discuss the proposed outcomes and related topics, the reasons for your university choice become better supported and clearer to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / The methodology of interacting with individuals have changed through time [3]

Ashis, even though this is a direct response essay, you are still expected to properly summarize and paraphrase the original prompt as the introduction paragraph for your presentation. Your straightforward response is delivered as the thesis statement, in the form of a response at the end of the paraphrase. That means, your first paragraph presentation is incomplete.

The main error in your response is that you chose to discuss this as a comparative point of view essay when this is a single opinion focused essay. All Task 2 essays are single opinion presentations unless you are asked to discuss both points of view in the instructions. Without that clear phrase instructing you to use points of view, you are supposed to pick one side to strongly defend in the essay. So you will not score as highly as you could have with this presentation because you did not pick a clear opinion to defend within your 2 paragraph reasoning presentation.

In addition to that, your summary conclusion is incomplete in a similar manner to your opening paraphrase. There is no paraphrase of the reasoning discussion and a restatement of the original prompt. So you are not really fulfilling the task assigned in a proper, clear, and well scoring manner.

Undergraduate / Caltech Supplemental #1 (STEM Experience) [3]

@buzzfeed For this type of essay, you don't need to delve into too deep a detail for the presentation. It takes away from the important word count. Just say that you enjoyed doing the word problems at brilliant.org, which led to the foundation for your interest in numbers, formulas and equations. Reviewers wonder when students say; "from a young age". Simply say you developed the interest in this field as a high school freshman because of your exposure to the website, which helped you perform well in your STEM classes. Yes, you can use acronyms if you wish to. The reviewer will be familiar with the terms since the university specializes in the STEM field. It would have been better if I had the chance to read all 3 experiences in the essay so that I could have a better idea as to how you could fluidly present these as a continuous thought process. Maybe next time...

Undergraduate / Why Purdue? I enjoy nothing more than computer science - Supplemental #1 [3]

The response that you have given is what is called a cookie cutter response. Meaning, every other student will be citing the same reasons for their university choice. Which means, your response will not stand out when the reviewer reads it. There is nothing unique about the response nor memorable about the approach. For a more interesting take on the question, discuss how Purdue aligns with your academic goals instead. What interests you in computer science? What specific programs and courses does Purdue offer that will enhance your interest and take your skills a step further? Focus on the reason you want to study CS and why that can only be done at Purdue. Don't just cite the areas of interest, explain how that interest has a personal consideration on your part. For example, what were you looking for in a CS school? Why do you believe that Purdue responds to what you are looking for? These are additional guide questions that you can respond to which will then help you develop a response closer to what is expected for this particular prompt.

Scholarship / Enhancing the Internationalisation for Australia's education, training and research sectors. [4]

Aathira, your answer to the questions are off the mark. You failed to explain how the masters program will create a better collaborative partnership with Australia, improve Australian education, and there is no outline of anticipated benefits on your part as a student or within the realm of India space technology.

For the first question, you should be able to explain what your academic and professional intentions are for your masters course and how these will be applied to India in the realm of Electromagnetism or space technology. The second question, asks you to explain why you think that you have some sort of academic contribution to make to the development of this field of study while you study in Australia. The third, is self explanatory, benefits on all 3 sides; professionally for you, research and technological breakthroughs for the countries concerned.

Don't try to fix this essay, write a more responsive essay based on the explanation I have given you above. Those guide questions should get you back on track with the appropriate 3 paragraph response to the prompt questions.

Scholarship / I am well prepared to become a great leader by becoming the representative of Chevening scholar. [3]

Augi, your high school story of leadership is important to tell in greater detail because that proves that you have the ability to not only lead, but change minds in your country. As a youth leader, what you did is highly admirable and should be of great notice to the reviewer. However, it is too far back as a form of leadership and influencing skill so you best follow that up with a college level leadership and influencing presentation to show the development of your leadership and influencing skills.

The main problem of your essay is the professional presentation. It is extremely weak and focuses only on you as a salesperson. Leadership seminars and being part of a leadership training organization does not qualify you as a leader and influencer in your field. If you are only involved in sales and do not have any experience with leading a team, then I suggest you find a community service alternative for this presentation. Otherwise, your essay could go from strong in the high school and college presentation, then extremely weak in the professional part which means the essay could lose impact and consideration potential.

Writing Feedback / You should stay healthy, Health is precious [3]

Janzpy, aside from needing to learn how to divide your presentation into topic paragraphs, you should also learr how to apply the use of the present participle, -ing when writing action words. - ing is a highly important suffix int he English language. It is used when created verb form of words. It is used mostly as a present participle but can also be a gerund, independent noun or adjective. Without it, your sentence structure is all off. In this essay, you need to use it for the present action words such as eating, Your essay needs improvement in tense presentation. This essay is written in present tense so you need to use the correct tense usage in order to create a proper time presented sentence.

Since you are just practicing how to write in English, I would say that this is a good presentation. It is relaxed and you show that you are developing a sense of comfort when using the English language. Keep writing even if you make mistakes, it is nothing that cannot be corrected and improved over time.

Scholarship / Mutual Networking in My Career - Chevening Networking Essay [3]

Fitri, your most effective networking skills here should be highlighted by the way that you were able to use your network to launch your learning center. While the other elements you presented were good in terms of simple networking skills, the establishment of your learning center involved the local and national government in the process. Therefore, that is the where you should focus this essay.

The reason I want you to focus on this? This will create a networking essay that helps to support your leadership and influencing abilities essay. By showcasing how you made contacts within both types of government, you establish a network that is sure to grow once you complete your studies as a Chevening scholar and, your Chevening counterparts will benefit from this government based network should they have an undertaking in your area where your contacts can prove to be of help. That part of your networking presentation has the most potential so build on it. Highlight it. Make sure that you show the reviewer the importance of this network that yo developed. Just remember to leave out the names of the people and use their positions or titles instead if the person will not be your referee in the recommendation letter section of the application.

Scholarship / Career Plan - Sukuk for Infrastructure Development - CHEVENING ESSAY [3]

Azwar, your last paragraph should be the opening paragraph for this essay. Remember, you are being asked about your post study career plan. So the reviewer wants to know about the future, not the present of your profession. By starting with saying that you would like to continue your career as an investment banker, you cover both your past, present, and future career goals in short form. I specially like that the paragraph ends with "As the Chevening alumnus..." because your second paragraph can immediately start with; "My future research and working plan will also be related with UK government program ..." because that shows the reviewer that you have a combined career and cooperative plan in place for your post graduate plans. A plan that will integrate your career plans with your cooperation with UK agencies in your country.

Your plan in that paragraph though is more informative with regards to the background of the UK project instead of how you can integrate your skills and career plans with the UK project. It would be better if you limit the explanation of the UK project and instead, explain further about how you plan to help the project expand. The essay will have more potential to become an insightful post study essay if you focus on the elements I mentioned above. It removes the guesswork and is direct to the point in terms of discussion.

Scholarship / Leaders must be active and able to influence the people around them - Chevening essay [6]

Walter, the leadership aspect of this essay is not team centered. A leader would involve the team in the resolution of the problem instead of just developing the solution and telling the team or community members to do as he says. A proper leadership essay shows how you, as a leader, are capable of coaxing the best out of your team mates during a difficult situation. You have to present the two skills in a connected manner by showcasing:

1. The problem
2.The group point of view
3. Suggested solutions
4. Leadership assessment of the situation and possible solutions
5. Determination of the proper solution
6. Resistance to the proposal
7. Influence of the leader that led to the removal of the resistance
8. Final outcome

Your presentations are too short to depict the situation above in the manner indicated. An effective leadership and influencing essay shows how a leader can combine the two traits when dealing with one situation. It does not require separate presentations. If you can better develop your presentations to show the above information, then the essay may be considered an acceptable leadership and influencing essay.

Scholarship / Networking is the Key to collaborate and create bigger impact - Chevening Essay [3]

Ratu, this essay is a grammatical nightmare but has the potential to become an interesting networking essay. However, it seems that your network is focused on the existence of a central character who is the root of your whole network. While I am not saying this is a bad thing, I am worried about the fixation on this person with regards to the referee requirements of Chevening. Will this person be able to recommend you to Chevening based on a professional relationship with you? If not, then this essay will not be extremely effective as a networking essay. Will any of the people whom you mention by name be acting as your reference at all? If not then you will need to revise the essay to omit the names of these people and build a far more interesting representation of your networking skills. You don't need to detail the meeting you had with one person. The idea is to show how you build your network with various people, not just one.

Think about whether these people will be referring you to the scholarship committee. If not, then you have a problem. You have written an essay that you cannot use. This essay should be illustrative in presentation rather than specific. Try to alter the content to be general in terms of networking considerations. Read the samples here to get a clearer idea of how to do that.

Writing Feedback / Unbiased webs search results - Independence of Cyberspace [3]

Antonija, I do not feel that your interpretation of the article is complete. Somehow, it seems that you missed out on a few elements of the discussion which may have strengthened your comparison essay. There should be some overlapping points where the writers agreed or collectively disagreed with an idea pertaining to the discussion. While the flow of the discussion seems smooth, there is a lack of transition in the presentation that should have connected the two discussion paragraphs. Maybe I need to read the original article(s) so that I can figure out where this discussion is supposed to head. As stand alone paragraphs, you presented good discussions. As a collective discussion, it feels wanting in development and discussion presentation. If the discussion had a better comparison presentation by applying some of the thoughts of one author to the example provided by the other, then perhaps there would have been more substance to the presentation and a better understanding of the given discussion points.

Scholarship / Leadership is about Service - Chevening Leadership Essay [4]

Reuben, focus on portraying your leadership style rather than trying to define it through someone else's words or philosophies. Start with paragraph 2 instead so that the leadership discussion focus is immediately in the relevant project.

Paragraph 4 requires further development as this is the part where you should be displaying the development and effectivity of your influencing skills. This is a pivotal part of the project that required influence on your part due to the requirements of the goal. Paragraphs 5-6 should be removed in totality and used as the basis of your

networking essay instead.

Paragraph 7 makes it sound like you are the only person who contributed to the successful accomplishments of the IOM. Change that. You are not the only person who contributed that success but you did make a contribution, so reflect your contribution as such. Do not exaggerate as you did in this paragraph.

Graduate / Professionalism - it is not only a handful of values. It is a principle that never ceases to expand [3]

Carmen, seven paragraphs seems to be 2 paragraphs too long for a professionalism essay. I think that is because you are not totally focused on the actual topic of the prompt which is professionalism in the context of the Doctoral of Physical Therapy program. Why do I say that? Well, you placed the actual response at the very end of the essay, which, if a reviewer were to read this, would be 6 paragraphs too far for me to read. You would have lost my attention by the end of the first long paragraph.

Revise the essay by bringing up the 7th paragraph to become the first paragraph instead and then review the rest of the essay for related discussion. Anything not related to the topic or, if it sounds like a filler, should be removed from the next draft. Keep the essay simple, direct, and relevant. Compress the essay into the quickest readable format that you can so that the reviewer doesn't have to read too much before getting to your definition or point of your discussion. Even if you have a long word count, you need to make sure that you do not use all of the word count on just fillers. The reviewer will appreciate a short but well written essay in this regard.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for M.S. in Sustainability Management at Columbia + questions (due very soon) [3]

Gregiore, this essay feels extremely long to me. It appears to not really have a focused and connected discussion coming from one topic to another. There is a sense of disconnection when reading the essay because of the lack of proper development in the presentation. Now, the reason that I cannot pinpoint exactly how to shorten and better direct your essay is because you did not include the original prompt requirements in your posting. Without it, I can't really analyze your essay for content, word count, and highlightable sections. You will have to do that on your own.

The last 2 sections of the essay in particular are of concern to me because these information should have been integrated into the early part of the essay in specific paragraphs. I suppose that you will have a better chance of doing that since you are the one with the actual copy of the series of prompts for this essay. I tried my best to point out the sections you can improve in the essay. I hope it helps.

Scholarship / My leadership attitude - to stand out in the crowd and speak up for what I think is the right thing [2]

Lavin, I do not get a clear sense of leadership and management from your presentation. Neither do you present any influencing skills in the discussion. The ability to organize an event does not add up to a leadership and influencing skill. It is the ability to manage the unexpected during the mounting of the event, how you respond to the mounting problems during this time, and how you harnessed the talents of your staff to help you get over these hurdles that exemplify a true leadership and influencing skill.

What you wrote is not competitive enough. It is too simple and academic to be taken seriously when considering the leadership and influencing abilities of the other applicants to the program. This is not competitive. This is little relevant to the essay prompt. Try to supplement this presentation by shortening this experience and then adding either a community or professional leadership and influencing event. This is a good foundation for your leadership and influencing skills, but it is not capable of representing your full potential in the eyes of the reviewer. That is why you need to enhance the content of the essay.

Undergraduate / My passion for programming and music college computer science essay [2]

Vivialin, why don't you consider changing your introduction from using keyboard keys to computer keys instead? There are software programs that teach a person to compose music without the use of a keyboard, just computer coding through the onscreen control panel. Why don't you create a comparative discussion of how the computer programs can now help everyone become a composer because nobody needs to know how to handle the notes, they just need to have an ear for music? The melodies that these musically inclined but not musically educated people can find a reality through computer code. Then you can merge that discussion with your love for music and your ability to play music in connection with your ability to write "musical" code. That's one way to approach your essay with a hook that could potentially catch the attention of the reviewer.

Since I am not familiar with the prompt for your essay, I cannot really offer a serious review of the rest of the essay. I can only help you out with the part that you specifically mentioned. The rest of the presentation seems to be in order though and relevant to the discussion you wish to create.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship Leadership essay - Community access road improvement [2]

Kizire, this essay is almost perfect. There stakeholder management skills that you present definitely show a strong leadership potential on your part. However, you focused so much on the leadership discussion that you forgot to display your influencing skills. Since you said that a majority of the tenants were receptive to your message, that means a section of the group was not. It is this section that is important in this essay discussion.

As a leader, who listened to both sides, what was the reasoning or apprehension of the apprehensive group? Were their concerns warranted? How did you decide to resolve their issues? Did they eventually pay their share? How did you convince them that this was the right thing for them to do? That is where the influencing skills come in.

Revise the essay in order to allow a full paragraph discussion for the influencing topic I mentioned. It is important to add that to the essay in order to highlight your potential as an influencer and your corresponding influencing skills.

Scholarship / Old students associations; network can help overcome some of life's challenges [4]

Kizire, the point of the essay is not to explain how you establish your networks, the objective is to explain how you do the following:

1. Establish a network
2. Maintain the network
3. Use the network

Your presentation only answers point number 1 and then gets stuck there. You don't show a use for your network in any form. Neither do you establish how you maintain the network at present. It appears that you are only good at trying to establish networks but not at maintaining and using these to the point where the network manages to grow from within your profession outwardly. This is not a proper networking essay. It is not useful.

I am bothered now because you said you wrote 2 versions of this essay and this is the one you chose to post for advice. I assume the first one was an even worse version than this so you should not even think of using one over the other or combining both at this point to create a new essay. Instead, read the samples here first so that you can come to understand what the networking essay is all about and what proper information needs to be presented. Only when you are clear on those aspects should you attempt to write a new, relevant networking essay.

Writing Feedback / Analysis for painting: Post du Garde by Hubert Robert [2]

Jingwen, you may want to explain why Robert merely used the name of the bridge for his painting. There is always a deeper meaning attached to every painter's art and its title so you should develop that part of your discussion. It will be part of the deeper analysis of the painting itself.

You seriously need to get a professional editor to proof read your paper. You are presenting the essay in a confusing blend of past and present references, which makes the paper extremely difficult to read, follow, and understand. The tense usage needs to be addressed in the essay so that your grammar will be better presented and easily understood by the reader. You can even use the bundled editing software in MS word to accomplish that, free of charge.

This essay needs more editing and revising in terms of language presentation more than anything else so that it can be considered a properly written art analysis paper.