Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2- A Mother's Challenge [3]

Strong beginning, I like this essay so far... sad.

I'm sorry it took so long to get to you! I hope you haven't given up on us! Some people look at other people's essays and give ideas, and then they ask that person to return the favor. That is one way to get more help and ideas.

Oh, I see that it is even sadder than I thought. Maybe this essay is too important to be used as an admissions essay; it is an important documentation of a child's perspective on this uniquely terrible kind of situation. I hope your family has been strong throughout the experience.

With this essay, I think you need to change it so that you focus equally on the experience and on your vision for the future. Your vision for your academic and professional future is part of the "person you have become."

"Good morning, honey... something terrible happened last night, and its okay if you need to cry. Your grandma passed away."

People pass away, it is a natural occurence, death while sleeping caused by old age, or a heart attack is not unusual.

...studying for a final exam, losing a job, or just having...

Undergraduate / International student from Korea - my English wouldn't develop there - advice on my entrance essay [5]

Hi Sophia! Yes you can, and you can also look through the many other personal statements here at EssayForum to get ideas. Also, please help a few other people by giving your ideas about their essays; your experience as an international student makes you especially prepared to help some of our other multinational and bilingual essay writers.

Kind regards!!!

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT #2: Life in Oakland [TRANSFER] [2]

A personal quality that I have that I am quite found of is my self-discipline and perseverance. Growing up in the heart of Oakland, California, the notorious themes of underachievement, pessimism, and ignorance were prevalent. I have witnessed several of my childhood friends gradually succumb to the same blight that my living environment radiated; many of them h ave already lost all faith in themselves and life in general. I took note of this process, and I feel proud about the self-discipline and perseverance that I was able to muster during these crucial years.

A particular event that is memorable for me took place during the spring of my junior term in my high school.

...and that was something from which I needed to distance myself. row away from.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL "Building a new movie theater in nighborhood.." [2]

When I saw the announcement about a plan for building a new cinema near my house , I became really happy, because I am sick of seeing the boring television series , and this new building will bring in some interesting features to my town.

Then, it would be a safe place for spending spare time for both adults and children.

...some people believ e that entertainment is the first and only duty of movie-makers.

Furthermore, both adults and children could be spending their leisure time in a safe place.

Also, families have this opportunity to watch movies in this new movie theater and spend their spare time with each other ; improvement of family life is another benefit of this cinema.

The last sentence is pretty cool!

Undergraduate / UC Essay #2: Why I am proud of my managerial position in FIRST Robotics [2]

This is really impressive. You have a good, forthright way of writing. You seem like a great communicator and someone who knows what you want to do professionally.

In this, I have also discovered a pride in myself that lies in my willingness and the urge to contribute to something bigger than me, something worthwhile, something about which I am passionate. I may lack the necessary skills to contribute in other areas, but I give what I have.

Nevertheless, I like to tell people that my F.I.R.S.T. team is my little high school business, and I will always be proud to have been a part of it.

Undergraduate / "How to organize the contents of essay really well' " -UC prompt 1,2 [2]

...and met people in there. When I visited Ggambbong, a small countryside in Indonesia, I did a lot of farming in potato and sweet potato fields to help the natives. Also, I have visited Denver, Seattle and Oregon in the United States and Melbourne in Australia to perform Taekwondo and fan dance on the street and to participate i n volunteer work.

We had meals together, sang songs together, and shared our feelings. together .

Wow, I admire you!!

My parents do not have money for me to inherit, but they left me the greatest heritage. I am proud of my parents , and I who have recognized an important secret: After completing

If I have a chance to learn more, it will be a sign that I should support others with all that I know. Of course, I cannot save all the disadvantaged, but I can try my best to help them in the with what the world has given me.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Playing the Cretan lira [7]

...explained to me that I'd be starting up piano lessons that day.

The last sentence of the first paragraph is an important spot. You should put a positive sentence there -- perhaps a sentence that you want the reader to keep in mind. I often advise people to use that spot for the thesis statement.

Undergraduate / 'mixed in awe, fear and some incomprehensible excitement' - Common app_ topic of your choice [15]

Wow, you don't need my help; you write better than I do already!

Use a comma for compound sentences:
A tremendous fork of lighting struck the sky, and a crash of thunder exploded in an attempt to quiet everything.

What's up with all the dots (ellipsis) at the start of paragraphs?

The bad fall let me know that I was stronger than I thought, and its influence may compel me to be a wiser gambler the next time I take risks.

Undergraduate / "I'm not a quitter. I will never be" - USC essay [4]

As a child, finding that I had been deceived throughout my entire life seemed like the worst thing that could ever happen.

Everybody does the best they can at their own level of consciousness. I met my biological father when I was an adult -- similar to your situation -- and he turned out to be kind of a door knob. He would not have been a good influence. It's lucky that he was not around when I was growing up. Either way, it feels so good and freeing to forgive.

Undergraduate / 'I can read / write / fight / look / talk' - UC tranfer essay prompt #2 overcame [7]


Yes, that is for sure! My mind must have played a trick on me; I think I imagined that the word impulsive meant what you meant for it to mean! Thanks Pheelyks

Undergraduate / ROCK CLIMBING, a talent and sport ; Personal Experience / Common App [5]

It is truly hard trying to describe to someone who knows little about me my fervent passion for rock climbing -- how even after a year after discovering this sport, I still find it exhilarating reaching the top of a seventy foot ledge.

Comma:
Joshua Tree has some of the most beautiful rock formations imaginable, and the adrenaline rush one gets when climbing them is indescribable.

I think you can do a little more to connect it to college. Perhaps you should give details in the last sentence:
...transformation I hope to continue as a Biopsychology major at Tufts University.

Undergraduate / UC 1) My passion for the english language [3]

...and philosophical searching, one constant has remained in my life: my love of reading and writing.

My frustration over my lack of a major caused me to focus more on my full-time job (where I was working forty hours a week) than my school work.

Actually... maybe like this:
My frustration over my lack of a major and my full time job led me to a lack of i nspiration. caused me to focus more on my job (where I was working forty hours a week) than my school work.

Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 - Finding Strength Through Rejection [4]

...stung so much more .

To increase my stamina and strength, I ran and worked out at the gym. on my own time.

One of my coaches made the decision that I would...

I wonder if you could dig a little deeper and explore the underlying concerns; what does this experience really mean to you. Can it be more than just an essay about this particular experience? Maybe this experience SYMBOLIZES something.

Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 The bitter yet sweet taste of Prednisone [11]

One more:
...oncology nurse, Onica, saw that the bottle...

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: Family First [5]

Fix this sentence:
Coincidentally, the expression placed at the center of the refrigerator for my family members to read day after day, in the largest font possible, was, "If there is ambition, there is success." there for my family members and I to read day after day.

...enthusiasm for education has not diminished over time. Contrarily t seems to have It blossomed into a newfound appreciation for knowledge and a stronger conviction in what I want to make of my future. Throughout my entire life, I have taken pride and found great satisfaction...

Undergraduate / uc prompt:i am proud of Being Tri lingual [4]

Moreover , I strongly believe that it would be to my advantage to learn as many languages as I can in order to achieve the status of a global citizen.

Nice job! You write very well in English.

Now start writing in paragraphs:
The first sentence tells the idea the paragraph is about. The second sentence explains a little more. The third sentence explains a little more and maybe ofers an example. The fourth sentence might be the last sentence in the paragraph, and it should be a comment about that main idea -- like a reflection of it.

That way, your compositions will have good structure.

You'll do very well, I think!

Undergraduate / "Son, your education is your future." - UC prompt [5]

Once when I was a kid m My father said, "Son, your education is your future."---> I think this is a powerful first sentence without the first few words.

This made me become very independent on myself and forced me to set high standards and accomplish them.

Coming to America is like a new life, not...

I am achieving the forbidden dream of my older relatives , because they can't even go to a university in Thailand.

I hope you are able to use Craigslist and other online resources to find everything you need, earn lots of money, and bring your whole family to America!

Undergraduate / "Tears of Life" - UC Essay #2 [8]

...announced each second -- that, and the crackling rasp of her breath as it slowly threaded in, then out.

...feel her love and her warmth smell in the soft folds.

That rainy November day when she died was a pivotal moment in my life.

It's true! You are a great writer. And thanks for the help you have been giving other people; I found a link to this essay after you lft it for someone you helped.

Sorry about your grandmother. It is nice that you were there with her, holding her hand when she went to the other side.

Undergraduate / My essay about coming to America (Is my topic too overused?) [6]

...fence," I exclaimed .

All The ritual, its rules , and its ferocity were the same except for the setting.

I suggest cutting most of the first paragraph, because it does not go with the topic. Your first paragraph should introduce the idea of climbing over a wall that symbolizes a cultural barrier. You mention that later in the essay, and it is a good metaphor. At the start, tell the reader that you had a profound experience when crossing the wall that was between you and this new society. The topic will not be too "overused" if you describe the details of the experience as it occurred for you. But at the beginning and end of the essay, write about crossing over the wall that was between you and your future as part of America's society and history.

Undergraduate / place filled with opportunities and freedom - is topic is too common or not. [5]

It is not surprising that people who grow up in the presence of freedom and opportunity begin to take those things for granted. ------> I did not know how to explain what was wrong with that first sentence, so I just gave you this alternative.

...even the things that seem common to have in America such as my own room, running hot water, and at least three meals a day.

(Above) Sometimes unnecessary words detract from the quality of the experience a writer provides for the reader of an essay.

After that night, I felt a sense of accomplishment for having stayed there for the night rather than just going home to sleep in the comfort of my own bed and going to McDonalds first thing in the morning for breakfast.

This is a good choice of topic. You must be a great person; I like this essay.

Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 The bitter yet sweet taste of Prednisone [11]


Wow, you get the award for best sentence of the day. I have never written anything so clever, and I am pretty clever! But do this:

Suddenly, I realized it was I who did not understand what I was going through.

Everyone is great in this thread! Great suggestions.

I knew telling her that the taste was the problem was going to be a silly explanation. Eventually, I did.

My mother did not know about this, not that she was not a caring mother. This sentence is not necessary, just a distraction.

Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

I think you are asking if this essay works for a prompt that asks you to write about something you are passionate about. I think this essay does work for that.

The last paragraph of the essay is not really a conclusion. It is more like a body paragraph. Maybe you should give a conclusion that reflects on your thesis statement.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Listening to chinese music and how it's inspired me [13]


I like this one! Write:
...because it was in the appreciation of music that my curiosity about Chinese...

This one tries to say 2 things in one sentence... too much!
When I listen to Chinese music, it makes me proud to know I am Chinese. Our music inspires people to never give up, because there is always something worth fighting for, and in the end and you will always get positive results if you persevere .

Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

Hellobeautiful, it's okay if you cannot think of any criticism. Many people have that problem. However, I hope you'll write a few sentences to let people know about the experience that you had while reading their essay.

It is okay, for example, if we tell the writer that the last paragraph was more exciting than the first... or if we tell them what we would think if we were the admissions person reading the essay. The trick is to write a little mini-essay about the person's essay. Even just a few sentences is enough. But it's important to say something substantial when giving feedback; it's part of the practice that takes place here.

Thanks for giving me the chance to rant about that here! I think a lot of people have the same problem -- not knowing what to say.

:-)

Graduate / Motivation Essay - Software Engineering - Master Course [4]

Well, yes, but then add one more sentence that says something like:
I choose [name of program] as the foundation for my future as a software engineer, because [say something that makes the program better for you than other programs or other schools]

Undergraduate / Beloit, the place that has raised me, Northwestern Supplement Essay- Third Draft [5]

I like i that you use "confess," a good word.

Commas and a dash:
I confess that going to school in Evanston, near the bustle of Chicago, is tantalizing for a Wisconsinite like myself seeking the amenities of an urban lifestyle. On a visit to campus I witnessed something far more appealing, however -- an observation that still fuels my desire for the University.

very Important: This needs to be an essay about how you, as someone feeling passionate about his subjects of interest, will use the resources at this school. only see vague reference to Weinberg, but I think you should show that you have a clear plan for what you want to learn, and show that the school's resources make it better than any other place for your unique process -- your unique focus of interest and intention.

Undergraduate / "being immigrants to America from Vietnam" - my UC Personal Statement; the world you come from essay [5]

...grown up in the environment I enjoyed in my youth. ("had" is weak there...)

The fact that my parents were immigrants to America from Vietnam heavily influenced my decisions in life.

I like your observation about how yout parents want you to outshine them. It is impressive!

The copious amount of productive citizens inspire me to become contributing member of society while the scarcity of delinquents facilitates my process. that I persevere.

Undergraduate / UW Essay. Cultural history to educational goals [2]

That first sentence is a statement of the obvious... not very exciting.

The last sentence of the first para is pretty general, and it does not seem to go with the rest of the paragraph. You should write that first paragraph as an explanation of a specific way in which your "family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals." You have to name the opportunity or challenge and name the circumstance that caused it.

Know what I mean? After naming it in the first paragraph, describe it in the following paragraphs. Name the circumstance or the challenge/opportunity in every topic sentence (the first sentence of every paragraph.)

Hey, I noticed that your last paragraph might make an excellent first paragraph!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 E&N Custom Boards! [3]

And I got it for a great price, which is just a bonus!

When we were finished, we rode them everywhere, and our other friends saw them they just had to have one.

The first time I exercised my creative mind and entrepreneurial spirit was when I was six years old. ---> just an idea...

This lacks organization, but it is great! Near the end, when you start talking about when you were young, it seems like you are losing focus. I think you should change the beginning of the last para so that the topic sentence refers to the business -- which is the central topic of the essay. You can still talk about when you were young, but do it as a way of explaining the business that ultimately developed.

Undergraduate / UC transfer personal statement -- Art major [2]


A good strategy is to help a lot of other people by giving your ideas about their essays, and then ask them to look at yours.

...and this enabled me to view things from an objective point of view. have broad eyes when I view things.

For example, when I encounter someone who is doing something odd, I will not judge him or her as a strange person. I will think about how he or she ended up doing that thing an d try to understand him or her.

I believe t This ability is very important for an artist, who has...

I think you accidentally posted prompt 1 twice instead of posting both! :-) Please help some other people with their essays, and then start a new thread if you want us to comment on your other prompt. Thanks!! :-)

Undergraduate / 'New ways / The Getaway' -Tufts University - Why Tufts? & Short Story [13]

I was surprised when I happened to see discovered the uniqueness of Tufts' unconventional essay questions.

That will get your point across better! :-)

...from place to place, city to city...

...kaleidoscopic pictures in the journey----> I like this part! I read that all forms are mandala, meaningful symbols in the kaleidoscope of sensory perception.

Lifestyles is one word.

Those qualities which are essential for a striker include :


Yes, I know what you mean! It's okay. I like your story! I think you should type the words for numbers (i.e. seven instead of 7)

...and commanded, "To exterminate the use of weapons of mass destruction and protect the future of humanity , our army will now start the general war with Juri. My fellow citizens, let's fight for peace !"

Undergraduate / UMich - School of Music, Theatre & Dance [2]

Hi Anne, I like the style you used in the intro, but not everybody likes that style. Some people scoff at essays that refer to themselves (i.e. mentioning the essay in the essay). I hope this is read by an admissions person who thinks like you and I think. You might want to consider scratching out the first part, where you refer to the essay, and just boldly assert this as your opening line:

Abstract concepts defy explanation.

You are smart...

Book Reports / Comparing aspects of some world literature books [4]

Well... you can google any of them and get a great overview. In fact, try googling one of them right now and include the word theme in your search. You will get a lot. Another technique I always use is to google the title along with the word analysis.

You can get of to a great start by also googling 2 of those titles together with the word comparison or the word comparative.

Obviously, it is best to go deep into each work, actually reading it after you see the overview, so that you can really appreciate it. Human expression is what makes life meaningful, and these are the works of the masters.

Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

If you post a subsequent draft, your original draft will probably be removed to accommodate the new draft within the thread. You can check out the TOS for policies about removing essays, etc.

Thanks!!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Wow, I am so impressed with your first paragraph. Now, the thing to do is focus strongly on your intended major and profession when you write the last paragraph. You should take all that energy from the first paragraph and let it open up the reader's attention to a strong message about your seriousness about medicine and drama. The way to do it is to capture the reader's attention -- as you did so well -- and then bring it to your final paragraph, which describes your clearly envisioned future.

I am excited about the contribution you will make as a professional!

At the end of the essay, it is probably best to refer back to that kissing example of the lesson about expectations, and build on it. What are you really saying about the way to manage our expectations? You can use expectation in a proactive way by envisioning the future you intend to create -- rather than envisioning a future you expect to see happen magically by itself.

Undergraduate / Short-answer questions for Exchange Program [3]

I will bring all honor and happiness to my parents. As I discover and understand more about myself , I will have more to share with other people all around the world ---> That is just my idea. Maybe it will help...

Here is another one:
That makes Stanford is the right place for me; and I want to participate in this program for the opportunity to prepare myself to be the more right person for Stanford as well." make the best possible contributions to my chosen field.

I admire your hard work!! You will do well, for sure.

Graduate / LSE application, for Dev Studies, personal statement [13]

Check out some other people's essays and then ask them to look at yours. :-)

Undergraduate / Football camp - UC#2 Essay; 'Success is not given to you; you must earn it' [3]

Well, this is all narrative, but what is the moral of the story. The idea is not just to tell about your experience, but also to use your experience as an illustration of qualities and insights you have acquired.

A good way to give the essay some structure is to add a sentence at the end of your first para -- one that refers to the central theme... then, give a conclusion paragraph at the end where you evaluate your ideas, reflect on the implications, and add a final thought for the reader to take away from the reading.

Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt 1- my family from Mexico [6]

What about your dreams and aspirations? It is great that you are of a mind to do some good for other people, but you should probably use this opportunity to show what you know about your chosen field and the program to which you are applying. You already write very well, so I want to direct you to focus on presenting yourself as a remarkable student, ready to master your field.

Undergraduate / UC #2 - "Lessons by Design" [6]

Don't hesitate to break up long sentences...
At ten years old, my feet would barely touch the ground as I sat forward and bent over a keyboard and mouse, face pressed against the cold glass of an old computer screen; sit ting this way, I designed a web site for the first time.

That is so excellent that your dentist put you to work; you probably have a great future to look forward to in web design.

At the end, you have an opportunity to show how much you have already learned about your field, and you can also show that you have already learned a lot about the resources at UC. Let them see how serious you are about their program.