Undergraduate / Ralph's grocery store ad - UC ESSAY 3 Personal Accomplishment [3]

Nice job! the first sentence is not very exciting, so it coul be improved...

also:
Sound, especially music, is now a major part of my life.----> the other way, it sounded funny, because you wrote: sound and music... is...

Making music is something and art form from which I get a lot of happiness, from and I hope to enjoy it for the rest of my life.

Undergraduate / Tesla #THE PERSON THAT INFLUENCED ME MUCH# [4]

Yes, I think you should have half of it be about Tesla and half of it be about you -- its impact, and why it is important to you.

When I feel depressed or stressed, or when I have low morale, I remember of him and let myself change.

To resist against those circumstances , he showed an incredible desire and endurance to not allow his illnesses stop him.

You write very well!!

Undergraduate / leaves, branch, bark, stem, tree, roots (2nd personal statement) [3]

In the first para, it is good if you void addressing the reader directly, as if preaching to the reader. You might want to say "I" instead of you, and change it to the first person perspective. Do you think it would still be okay that way?

Be careful of run-on sentences:
But what holds all of these people together and what makes them who they are? What is the root system behind every person?

You do a great job of varying your sentences and writing with rhythm. It's no wonder july723 wants your help.

Undergraduate / Florida State University Essay Prompt 2009-2010 (draft too long?) [2]

When I first moved into the state of to Missouri...

Don't try to say too much in one sentence:
...my mother and father were separated; as a child in elementary school, I found that experience to be extremely difficult. as it would be for anyone at any age.

With the yearning to help others I tend to be extremely intuitive about people, and concerned for their feelings, especially around friends and people I'm not familiar with.----> This sentence could be better... you mean to say that your yearning to help others causes you to be intuitive... but how do you know you are intuitive? "Show, don't tell."

Undergraduate / (MaCaulay Honors essay) - Discussion of a Risk- Pollution & Recycling [4]

Because this material is made to be very sturdy, it makes the product just as hard also takes a long time to naturally degrade.---this shows that you are quite knowledgeable about it. That is impressive. I don't know if it is so important to tell about you in this one; it is supposed to be about the issue. BUT, it is always good to speak in terms of your intended major. What does this issue have to do with your intended major? There must be sme connection, because both were chosen by the same person.

Undergraduate / I considered Emory University for its academics: Emory essay [3]

Hello yaywriting, your cool personality is too good for this unenthusiastic part:
I found that my interest in political science only increased ... kind of dull!! Do you have a subtly increasing interest in pol. sci, or is it an obsession that is causing you to read one journal after another. Do you follow politics? Show some knowledge!

Undergraduate / One with Martial arts (FGCU-Activity that has been meaningful to you) [5]

Great writing here...

I hear nothing but the wings of the butterflies in my stomach, frantic and restless. ----> my favorite sentence.

I am anything but alone, surrounded by many sensei with judgment in their eyes. I feel each stare, which feels ice cold and freezing me for a moment.

Since I have been practicing martial arts, I look at situations in a different manner -- whether it's at home, with friends, or at school. Like When I have to complete presentations in front of my peers, for example, and anxiety builds, I think back to that first tournament, which serves as precedent (not what precedent means... you mean "evidence") of the amount of confidence I truly have.

Yes, and you learned how to focus all your attention into a single, crucial moment -- meditative action.
Great essay!

Undergraduate / "My world has always been a small, rural town" - admission essay for UC's! [6]

I think you should bring your first paragraph to a close sooner, ad give a thesis sentence that really lets the reader know the focus of the essay.

...even if there are obstacles in to overcome.

I intend to come back to my hometown and inspire upcoming generations who are surrounded by a negative environment, just like mine.----> Excellent!

You could mention a little more about the way the U. of California appals to the "person you have become." I'm sorry if I didn't get here in time to help before you sent it out!!

:-)

Undergraduate / UC prompt #2 My Ugly Hands [4]

My index finger barely reaches two inches, and my pudgy hands would oftentimes draw people's attention and would be referred to as "sausages." Seriously. My hands...

I grew up in Korea under the care of my grandmother during my childhood , because my parents were away to another country in attempting to seek for better life to provide for the family.

Well done!! But where does the last paragraph begin? It seems like you might not have done a paragraph break to show when the conclusion starts.

Undergraduate / "a drunken stupor" - Stanford - intellectually engaging [4]

You are my hero, this is some excellent writing. The first sentence, and especially: After this frustrating experience, I put my relationship with robot on hiatus. Ha ha, I don't know about the word exemplarily, though! Wow, that is a strange one.

You'll do very well, for sure. But seriously, don't use exemplarily, ha ha...

Undergraduate / 'professors do their job' - Why Ohio State University? [5]

This could be a little more intellectual. How about some professors from whom you'd like to learn about your favorite subjects. Maybe one of them has written some articles you have read. Present yourself as someone who is ready to jump into life as a serious scholar.

Us a comma whenever you have a compound sentence like this:
The tour guides I had that day seemed genuinely honest and enthusiastic when they talked about how great it was to be a student at OSU, and I want to experience the type of college life that they described.

Undergraduate / My Spelman College Essay, can you tell me what you think and give revision tips? [2]

Your first sentence is very astute; I like it.

...everything in its path, i ncluding my hometown of New Orleans.

No need for comma here: I had to attend a new school make new friends, and get use to different surroundings.

Whether it is painting houses, giving out food, or simply giving the spare change at the bottom of my purse, I know it will make a difference in someone's life.---> I think a little more than this is necessary in order to answer that last part of the prompt. List some of the community service activities.

:-)

Undergraduate / activities, academic instersts - USC Short Answers [3]

The late 18th century French philosopher Voltaire had said, "We must...

You can use a dash for this long one:
or leading an Eagle project involving forty people and totaling more than two hundred hours of work -- if th ere's a service project in Lynnfield, chances are good I'm running it.

That first essay is very impressive.

I like numbers; I like equations; I like facts.
or
I like numbers. I like equations. and I like facts.

This is probably best:
I like numbers. I like equations and facts. ...

Undergraduate / decision to become a pharmacist - Essay Prompt #1 [4]

Thus, my decision was not a departure from the normal (or aberrational?) This whole sentence is unnecessary. You already established this point.

Your last sentence of that first paragraph suggests that the main idea of the essay is about chemistry.. because you already said you were going to be a pharmacist. I think you should just redirect the focus of the essay by adding one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph -- a sentence that conveys your most important truth.

Similarly, your ast paragraph has to capture the central idea, so I don't know if it should start with a sentence about your relatives in California. Start your paragraphs with god topic sentences that catch the main idea of the paragraph.

Undergraduate / Alverno School of fish; Prompt 1 [2]

confidence and courage ... strong work ethics to become an honest, charismatic ... influenced and shaped...These are all quite abstract. It will be better if you get specific in your answer to the question about how it shaped the person you have become. This is your chance to show how proactive you have been in learning about subjects that have become interesting to you.

At the end of the essay, you should probably mention that fish analogy again. That will give the essay a sense of fullness.

Undergraduate / uc prompt #2. experience that is important to me. boarding school [2]

After checking in my belongings, my grandmother had left, so I had to cope without her.

Hey, this is a great topic, and you write very nicely. I like the beginning, where you say "the best part was that it was boarding school." It shows your optimism.

You need to use paragraphs! Maybe I just cannot see them because of the way the text appears on the discussion post? If you did not use paragraphs, go back and fix it. Give one paragraph for each thought, and fully explain and reflect on each thought.

Undergraduate / The Chinese Ninespine stickeleback Fish - uc essay prompt 1? [2]

When I was in fifth grade, I read a book called "Chinese...

Don't capitalize "after" in that first line.

My father, who was my number one best friend, always prevented me from being unhappy, so I couldn't be unhappy as long as my father was with me. A few years later, my aunt...

For the firs t few days, I was so excited...

However, my friends and my relationship also became I began to drift apart.

His tears washed off all dirt from my heart. ---> great sentence!!!

Undergraduate / "New Era" missionary experiences - BYU "Setback" Admission Essay, 200 word [2]

I had known for seven years that...

I greatly regret that I spent the first six months waiting to go back to Utah.

It's too bad it needs to be shorter, because it is so interesting -- as I read it, I wanted to know more about the New Era missionary experience.

Great last sentence!

Scholarship / Scholarship essay: community service activity Hurricane katrina [2]

The idea behind the first para is good, but it is not helpful to say people from all walks of life were affcted or that 1,800 lives were lost, innocence is not relevant... you need to focus on the idea you want to express with each paragraph.

Always write that way: one paragraph, one idea. Say it, support it, and reflect on it.

You need to decide what the main idea is for the essay: a link between community service and patriotism? Identify that idea. Then, identify a sub-idea for each paragraph. When you do that, you'll know what words are unnecessary -- so you can cut it down to size.

Undergraduate / UC transfer prom: something about life experience > want to be psychologist [2]

I think you should use italics for the first part, with the questions people asked you.

I think you should end that first paragraph after a few sentences and give a thesis sentence that will establish the main idea of the story. This will improve its structure.

Use a comma: I was given Adderal, which was...

Because of these I tended to be an introve rt kept to my self .

Okay... I think it's important for you to condense and shorten the stuff about your adversity and make more room for answering the part about how it has affected you: tell about the specific kinds of psychology that interest you, articles you have read about social anxiety, and so forth. Show what you have learned.

Graduate / Motivation Essay - Software Engineering - Master Course [4]

I think you should answer the prompt question somewhere in that first paragraph. You should probably add a sentence at the end.

After completing the graduation, I started my career as a freelancer web developer.

To meet deadlines, we put little effort into testing. Most of the time, w e tested programs while we were developing them and sent them to the clients immediately after we finished coding.

As a whole I am very inspired about continuing my studies and research, so it will be a great privilege if I can get the opportunity...

Part two is excellent!

Book Reports / The Stone Angel/King Lear Comparison Essay [2]

If they are prevented from seeing something, it is redundant to call it "blindness" in the same sentence. Instead of blindness, tell what circumstances actually cause them to be unable to see reality for what it is.

King Lear and Hagar Shipley are two parents whose "blindness" _______ prevents them from

:-)

For the essay, I suggest pulling out citations and quotes, and using each one to build a paragraph that supports your thesis argument. Make sure your thesis is arguable and not obvious; what interesting observation can you make about what blinds each of them?

Graduate / 'an opportunity to be a part of your esteemed institution' - SOP (Industrial Engineering) [5]

Ever since I began my undergraduate studies...

...and the like... (not alike)

Okay... you cover many topics in this essay. I think you should have a sentence in the first paragraph that tells the reader what is coming, what to expect. You can just list the various topics in a sentence that you'll add to that intro paragraph. That will help the reader to keep up with you.

I am clear with the purpose to ...my technology appropriateness, effectiveness and overall productivity. This part is very general. Instead of saying appropriateness, effectiveness, and productivity, can you list a few specific goals you would like to achieve in your profession or as a student?

Writing Feedback / The lifestyle we live today is leading us down the path of an evolutionary disaster; choices we made [2]

Yes, the second para is much stronger than the first. Often, we need to cut the first para, because it turns out to have been a "warm-up" with your real creativity coming out in para #2.

When I woke up, I knew that I would see them again, that jiggly man and his jiggly dog.----> interesting!

I see some places where you capitalize letters unnecessarily! like... Obese...and...Soon Their wish would come

Graduate / 'intensive student involvement' - my career goal and why MBA essay [3]

I'm a photography (some word other than photography here?) lover, and the photography industry is the area in which I'd most like to work.

Excellent, this is very impressive. The end of the first para, though, is an important par, and your assertions are kind of weak there. Maybe you should mention the specific program in that sentence -- the program into which you are enrolling.

Tai Chi Chuan and Taijiquan are both standard forms, I think, or just Tai Chi, but I think people make it 2 words if they use that spelling.

The first sentence of your last paragraph is a little cliche, and it does not seem to belong in the conclusion. Let that conclusion be a bold, powerful affirmation of your confidence in their program and in yourself.

Graduate / "Passion in life..." - Statement of purpose for electrical and computer department [7]

Hello, I came up with an idea to improve your intro, but then I saw that you violated a rule: We are not allowed to post material here if it appears on other websites. So, I have to remove your essay.

As the size of a computer shrinks -- from Intel 4004 to Corei5, from 1kB RAM to 4GB RAM and from 4 MB GPU to 4 GB GPU -- its speed and...

This (insert a noun here) plays a significant...

Undergraduate / Don't change or Accept change? Which one is better? [2]

You should use a capital letter at the beginning of every sentence.

Put a space after periods.

They also show good results in competitive exams, but its much harder than the mentioned ones . (harder than what?)

In the beginning of this essay, write it like this:

I have seen that students who specialize and study only selected subjects can get higher marks, but it is still important to study all other subjects, too.

Also...near the end:

My opinions is that" students should study all subjects instead of focusing only on selected areas of study. and they should not focus only on the selected studies.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Bottles and Cans [2]

Oh... you needed a service learning project in order to graduate. Okay, the first para is confusing, because you say it is optional and then you say you need it to graduate. You should write:

Once I heard that I needed a service-learning project to graduate, I decided...

Great, so the whole class participated by choice, but you only did it because it was necessary to graduate. That doesn't sound like you are very motivated! :-) Maybe you can present yourself in a more positive light.

You write very well! I think it will be good if you get more specific at the end about the person you have become, how iit affected you, your plans for college.

Undergraduate / "Test under pressure" - UC Prompt 2 [2]

Maybe you want to use a dash for a "dramatic pause" :-)
for such a moment -- or if I would be lead to disaster.

I hadn't the slightest clue whether they had truly enjoyed my performance or if they were utterly repulsed by it.

Your first para has a great last sentence! However, I am a guitarist, and even I could not figure out what the heck you were talking about. Don't leave the audience in the dark for so long. Place them in the scene by using some imagery nouns in that first para -- let them see where you are right from the start. That will bring the essay into focus.

Undergraduate / Architecture Essay on "how a building affected my mindset" [3]

I searched the essay to find the places where you attended to each aspect of the prompt, and you nailed them all. You have some great sentences, too -- great descriptions! You really prove that you appreciate architecture, and that is important, because the most impressive thing a student can do is be passionate about something.

I found one sentence that needs improvement:
I began to excel in my group at the academy and came up with many different designs that, for once, made me proud. ----> it sounds like, "For once, excelling and coming up with designs made me proud." What are you really trying to say withh "for once?" Just develop that point, if it is important.

Undergraduate / 'Divorce rate is nearing 50%' - someone who has made an impact on your life [2]

The first sentence says the American economy is a superpower, but that is not quite right. The second sentence says:
so much... resources

...and that is not quite right either. It should be:
Even a country with so much power and so ma ny resources cannot...

has risen

Check the last sentence of that first paragraph.

Okay, you have some great supporting facts; I just think the intro should be clearer. The plague is not the single-parent family; it is the consequence of problems associated with it. Some people might even take offense to the notion that their single-parent families are a plague. You should just word that thesis sentence to refer to dysfunction associated with broken families rather than the families themselves.

Undergraduate / UC personal statement 1 - My Siblings [2]

Use a comma:
My family has always been a big one, and being...

It is great that your role as eldest sister inspired you to become a physician. I think you should condense the material about being an older sister so that you have more room to discuss the thoughts you have had about pediatrics. Show what you have already learned about the field. Do you have any special plan for becoming the best pediatrician you can be?

It will be great if you can use one paragraph to express the idea of being an older sister but feeling helpless during medical procedures and wanting to take an education that would empower you to be an even better caretaker for young children.

Undergraduate / My school's cheerleading team - UC Prompt [6]

I started to rethink the question of whether I really wanted to do this, but quickly realized that this was my final chance. I had blown my chance throughout the previous three years by not trying out, and I...

willing to learn and work is not too cliche-ish. Those are important qualities for college students. My main criticism for this ssay is that it is a little be simplistic; the theme seems to be "perseverance," in the sense that you wanted to give up but pressed on... but there is also a theme of "not missing opportunities," or "not hesitating." If you develop those themes more at the beginning of the essay, you will be able to discuss them more at the end. Someone who does not hesitate might make mistakes, but someone who is not afraid to take a chance does not have to regret not trying.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in computer science / cloud computing [18]

Well, I'll paste a few useful links below, but this is not a topic I can help with very much. It is a new topic for me. However, as with any research topic, the thing to do is look at other research projects that have been done and see what questions they raise; see what "gaps" exist in the research. Ideally, your reason for conducting research should be that you notice some questions that have not been asked or some ideas that have not been put to the test.

resources.bnet.com/topic/data+mining+and+data+warehouse.html

rgrossman.com/epapers/dmr-v8-4-5.htm

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Are International Sporting Occasions a Safe Way for Releasing Emotions?? [2]


Above, there are 2 spelling errors, so be sure to run this through a spell checker. Also, in the above sentence, you should be clear: ...strongly disagree with this statement, because I believe that during international sporting events people become...

So, I think it is not a good way to express emotions. to for expressing

I would not call a unsuccessful sports performance a "serious" cause of depression.

My friend, I tend to agree with you! I hope you use a spell checker, and also try to explain your paragraphs a little more -- with a topic sentence, supporting sentences, and a conclusion for each paragraph.

Good luck!!!

:-)

Undergraduate / The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago - Columbia University [2]


This sentence might make it sound like your selfless motive was actually rooted in a selfish concern that you did not want to have to feel despair. Maybe you should refer instead to a desire to share the burden of others' despair. Actually, though, this sentence is probably okay the way it is; it conveys the fact that to have a conscience, and that is good.

This whole essay is good, and I am excited for you.

You might want to add one sentence to the end of that last paragraph -- a sentence that hints at what is to come, the theme of attending to the suffering of others. In the last para, you might want to add a sentence about how Columbia will facilitate your process of achieving this goal.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL "why is music important?" [2]

In the beginning of this essay, it is not quite right to say it is impossible to imagine a world without music, because some people do indeed live in such a world: deaf people do not know music the way others do, so your intro sort of excludes them. At the end, you reinforce this with the robot idea. What is a "humanized robot?"

That music which comes from each country represents some prominent aspects of the history and culture of its people.

It will be better if you use at least three or four sentences for each paragraph: a topic sentence, 2 example/explanation sentences, and then a reflective conclusion sentence. Develop those paragraphs.

Good luck!

:-)

Writing Feedback / A Descriptive essay about Beauty feedback [2]

Use a comma:
Beauty is not always what people think it may be, especially...

It helps if an essay begins with some intriguing line to grab the reader's attention. Can you say something unexpected at the start? Next, you should probably say something more meaningful than "it could be a person, place, or thing, because the same could also be said of any other noun.

Innermost is one word.

The thought that makes you hunger is interesting, but it is not a complete sentence.

Furthermore beauty is a special vacation and a late night getaways; it is the aspect of the feeling and the sight of direction. ----> I am not sure what you are saying here, but it seems like a nice metaphor.

Wow, the "fact of quietness" is intriguing to me. And I like this, too: Looking at the serenity of beauty makes one rethink life.

Melissa, this is very poetic, but some of it does not seem to make sense. It seems, though, that the main idea is that there are many ways to describe beauty, and you upheld that theme from beginning to end -- so that is good. However, you should make sure each sentence is a complete sentence, like this:

Beauty is one who assists you when you leave a grocery store and you have dropped your eggs or your brown bag has split and you need help getting the groceries off the ground.

Faq, Help / Turnitin website - originality report [15]

Your essay will not be called plagiarism, because Turnitin "bots" are not allowed to scan this website. turnitin.com/robot/crawlerinfo.html#excluding.

Undergraduate / UC personal statement, political science [6]

Yes, the first sentence of a para might give the main idea, and then the middle sentences explain it and support it with facts. The last sentence refers to the main idea again and says something thoughtful about it. It is really good if you can say something thoughtful about it that also has something to do with the topic of the next paragraph. (That is how you transition from one para to another.)