Writing Feedback / IELTS: best way to improve public health; lack of exercise [7]

There is no doubt that establishing the large number of sports facilities is significance and conveniencecan significantly contribute to enhance the convenience of people to do physical exercisesindividuals . Most of them need to endure the pressure frompeople suffer from sever stress at workplace or school. (make a stop here and no comma)and the pressureStress causesthem receive an unhealthy body conditions , such as obesity, cardiovascular disease and gastrointestinal disease. The solution for these problem is spending time for physical exercises ,

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Energy consumption by fuel in the USA (1980-2030) nuclear, solar, wind, hydro power [5]


This has happened in the past and there for it is an historical data. Such things do not come under predictions. Predictions are for the things that would happen in the future.

Overall, you have followed a good structure and you have shown lots of improvement from your previous attempt on this task. That's the way to go :D

Do more practicing and we are here to help you :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Boys and Girls leisure activities; computer games, netball, basketball [5]

A closer look at the counterpartboys show thatwhile coming second 17 percent of boysthemenjoys Basketball. theThe highest percentage of the boys which is 34%, loves to playby 34 shows that playing computer as the top choice. Therefore the neighboring percentage byAnother 11 and 10 percent takesof them take interest in listening music and skateboarding as the immediate rate while reading coming as the least by 2 percent boys enjoying in their leisure.

Writing Feedback / I prefer to live in small town, big city is terrible and have much pollution [4]

Good editing by Pahan :) Let me also help you with a few more sentences;


... very good point. But you need to present it more clearly;
In a small time, the people are closer to each other because of their high dependency on one another.

Otherwise live on theliving in a small town always near with neighbors, because they honor each another neighborwould not be easy because they have limited resources compared to city life.

Writing Feedback / 'People need food, fashion, and health' - advertisements may improve our lives [6]


I remember providing you with a guideline for constructing your essay. I feel you should pay some attention to that structure because it contains all necessary structural features that help you earn a good score. As per that approach, you have not adequately presented the background of the issue. Actually, it is the most important part of your intro which introduces the issue and its importance to the reader.

Writing Feedback / divorce: Causes and effects on children [11]

Well, for us to review and provide you with our feedbacks for you to improve your writing, we need to have a look at your work first :D

Do your first draft on your topic and post it to this thread. Then we would provide you with our comments as to which areas you need to improve. We do not write essays for others, but certainly help everybody with improving their work.

Writing Feedback / The 21st century; world always changes - technology, transportation, and humankind [4]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for IELTS or TOEFL ? It is always good to include the purpose (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL) in the title itself so that others could give you more task related feedbacks. Also, make sure you include the essay prompt in all your essays for us to get a better understanding about what it asks and align our feedbacks more with your prompt. :)

Research Papers / Organic foods vs GMO foods! 'What's really going into the body?' [3]


The bitter truth is that most people are unaware of what those terms even mean.


People have continued to follow the societal trends and they are not concerned about finding out the healthiness of food they consume.
The next logical question to ask though is what are the claimed benefits of GMO?

Scholarship / 'Artificial Intelligence or System Security' - Scholarship in Turkey [5]

Artificial Intelligence is one of the most important topics today, iteffect inwhich affects most areas of technology, it is one of the reasons for the smart and rapid development of technology. (I don't understand what you try to mean by this part :( )

System Security is as important as artificial intelligence, in light of our dailydue to our heavy dependence on technology. We we need strong security systems and cryptography methods.

I have a background in these subjects from bachelorI gained a sound background knowledge in these subjects from my bachelors degree.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Popular events are essential; world sport events provide positive waves [4]


This is not so catchy to be a strong hook. Tell some nice idea which is relevant to your topic in a short interesting sentence.

Writing Feedback / 'Internet is helping humankind for getting information important from corner of the world' [15]


This, you opinion, you already stated in the introduction itself. So no need to repeat the same in your body paras.

Writing Feedback / Technology become Culture - big effect to our lives [7]

Start with the reason as to why you hold such as opinion. Then support your reason with a specific example.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Emigration intentions, Bulgarian aged 15-60, 2001 & 2006 [9]

Hey... where is the chart? Forgot again? ....lol


Overall, the majority Bulgarians intend to stay in their home country.

In 2001, by 70 percent of Bulgarians havehad no intention to travel abroad.then thisThis trend increased overby 3 percent in the following year statistic. An intention for tourism came as the second by 10 percent, while living and working abroad for temporary purposes reached the proportion by 5 and 7 percent of all Bulgarians choice. ????????

Writing Feedback / Teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Good Idea? Knowledge vs Money. [8]

First, you should have posted your full prompt (topic) in this thread for us to understand what it really requires from you. Include it on the top of your essay;


You need to improve on the structure of your intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Marriages are bigger and more expensive nowadays than in the past. Why is this? [5]

Well... you need to improve a lot on your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: High price of petrol as sollution the traffic and pollution;the Nederland [4]

Adding environmental subject into school curriculummightraise schoolchildrenwould build theirself- awareness to preserveprotect the environmentenvironmental surrounds.


This is pretty confusing :( You better rephrase :(

Writing Feedback / Traditional and International - Why do we need music? 'essence of individuals and society' [3]

From the beginning of civilisationcivilization music was one of the most fundairtentalfundamentalpartsaspects of our society. Every one listen to itmusicon occasions ranging frombe itlistening soft music for relaxing after hard work, or motivating themselves by listening fast music while training or doing some exercises .

Writing Feedback / food from restaurants or from home - it doesn't matter; food just must have good nutrition [6]


What does this mean? :( It is quite incomplete :(

Writing Feedback / What are the qualities of a good neighbor? 'care your attitude to other people' [7]

As we know, people live near our home canare the people we call neighbors.


This is too obvious fact and therefore it does not provide an interesting opening to your essay :(

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - CELEBRITY OR ATHLETE - WHOM DO YOU WANT TO MEET AND WHY? [3]


This is not valid only for today, but it's an all time case :D

Today meeting and personally seeingMeeting a celebritycelebrities or an athlete has becomeis a matter of prestige for many people.

Begin your body para with the reason to justify your opinion (in this case, why you like Big B ). So start like this;
First, I am such an admirer of his personality.
Now tell the examples as to why you are so :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl evalution - God is too large to fit in one religion [5]


.... why do you say that the world evolved from fashion to technology? Why it is fashion?


For me, this sentence does not serve any purpose for your essay. You don't have to come up with very complicated ideas or sentences. All what you need is to say something relevant to the topic which is also an interesting idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The same money for sport activities or libraries? They assemble money from learner [7]


... wrong grammar - University is built

There are several issues with your writing. Grammar, vocabulary, clarity, presentation etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Studying at university to be successful? Yes, but it is not main decisive element. [6]

"prompt" means your topic. So, what he and I both were talking about alignment between your writing and your topic. In simple words, you should not go out of topic. So, we need to have a look at your prompt (topic) so that we have a better understanding about what it requires from you. We, I mean myself and other contributors, check whether you stay with your topic or not.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: BENEFICIAL INTERNET AND TRAFFIC CONGESTION; encyclopedia of human [3]


There are many grammar issues here :(
The internet has brought significantlysignificant changesinto our lives in the recent years. Many arguewonderthat whether the overall effect of internetthe Internet has been positive or negative. In my view, the beneficial internetbenefits of the Internet outweighis overwhelming majority its drawback.

Writing Feedback / Eassy For Toefl: computer for students vs books for library [6]

Well, you are going through the same emotional process that everybody who takes up TOEFL. However, you can feel that you keep improving day by day. Doing your essays with time is very good as it is the best way to train yourself to manage time. Also, follow the structure we suggested very seriously. Have some ready made phrases that can be used in all your essays. If you have met the word count minimum requirement, then that's fine. Do not worry too much about that, but need to maintain at least them minimum. Read others' essays on similar topics to pick up good points :)

Writing Feedback / Power of advertising; My two friends who owned well serviced car bought the same car [3]

First, it is important that you include the prompt in your post so that we can get a better understanding about what it really requires from you. Second, include the purpose of your writing, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL in the title itself that helps you earn more feedbacks,


Your intro seems to follow the right structure. However, your thesis statement needs improvement;
In my view, advertisement doesn't provide the information on the most important things which we actually need for several reasons.making a buying decision.

Writing Feedback / some high school leavers choose to work/travel; a matter of personal preference [3]

I personally believe that this movement has both sides of good and bad effectson high school leaversand need to be considered more deeply.

Writing Feedback / Writing: The high sales of popular consumer goods/ advertising as extremely powerful tool [15]


Actually, your prompt is focused not on the taste of consumers, but on their buying decisions. Do not deviate from the original idea of the prompt.

Well, you are supposed to give reasons to justify your position on the argument. I do not find a reason directed at that in this body para :( You hold the opinion that advertising doesn't have a strong effect on people's buying choices because people today make careful choices. So, tell the reader why you think that people do not carried away by ads.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Studying at university to be successful? Yes, but it is not main decisive element. [6]

Have the habit of including your prompt in your post. So that others would know what it exactly expect from you and thereby provide you with more meaningful feedbacks :)

The degree offrom a university seems like a good evidence to prove that you were are able to work in some majorshave acquired necessary structured knowledge in your major. After graduating high school, people usually goingon higher level and achieve some signficant successes.pursue higher studies in view of bettering their career opportunities.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL evalution -PEOPLE LEARN THINGS FROM LISTENING OTHER, SELF- EXPERIENCE, READING. [3]

Learning is never enough to live a perfect life - every person, event or aspect has some or other thing to teach us.


Well this sounds a bit deviated from what your prompt suggests;


.... none of these things talks about learning through experiences. You should have mentioned things that have been already mentioned in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - stress are relieved by people by reading, gardening, exercising. [3]


...one of the inevitable diseases ... it's always - " one of the many"

Stress has become one of the inevitable diseases and it is suffered by humans in their life due to many professional, social, and personal reasons. Due to stress people develop many other diseases and unhealthy habits. Today's competitive world has become one of the major reasonsofthat cause stress, nevertheless people seek their way to calm theirdifferent ways to relieve themselves from stress by reading books, by exercising or by working in the garden. I generally take breaks to read booksforrelaxing myself.as a way to relieve my stress.

Undergraduate / My most memorable experience: 21st November, just after my birthday; Colony Cricket League [6]

As everyone has some memorable event in the year , I too have a memorable event that I will never forget. It was the 21st November (??? mention the year too), The day just after my birthday and I was playingplayed the finalsfinal match of the Colony Cricket League, which was the first match I captained .

This is very well written. Good job!

Writing Feedback / policies to deter negative effects; Urbanization is an important ongoing process [5]


Yes, it's important to know for us to provide you with more meaningful comments :)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master Petroleum Geophysics at Imperial College London [4]

Well, most of the stuff in the guideline is quite obvious. Let me touch upon a few ;
Development of interest - Tell how your interest in the field grew.
Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education - Tell how you pursued your interest. What did you study? What were your achievements? What credentials you gained? Your research involvements, Work experience

Future goals - What are your short and long term goals?
How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals and then a final summary; how this program will help you achieve them.

Writing Feedback / Politicians are the most important people on earth! -- They have the final say [4]

Well, generally you use examples to support your justifications and they come in body paras. Introduction is meant for introducing your topic to the reader. However, we do not have any idea as to why you wrote this essay? Had you posted your prompt in full and mentioned the purpose of this writing, it would have been much easier for us to provide you with more meaningful comments.

Writing Feedback / Begin learning EL at primary rather than secondary school?Advantages outweigh disadvantage [4]

Thanks for globalization, countries onacross the globeover the world can interact and creat an openness in economy, culture and so onwith each other very closely and work collaboratively in terms of economic, cultural, and social welfare. English, anbeing the most used international language, is playingit plays anthe essential role than ever before. So, when is the appropriate time to learn this langguelanguage? Primary school or secondary school?. Im my oppinion, chidren should be touchtaughtwith English as soonearly as possiplepossibleand can be learned from primary is really an advantage.

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial discovery in last 100 years - internet invention; many impacts [7]

Well, this confusion arises due to the reason that you have not included your prompt here. If we get the chance to look at it, then we would know what it expects from you.

The Internet has impacted educational industriesthe field of education phenomenally. It has made learning easyeasier and facilitated many educational bodies for launching online courses. Due to this, educationratethe numbers of people receiving education has increased as well as working people are motivated to study further. In India, Symbiosis University offer'soffers wide range of online master courses, one. One of my friends is working for one of the prominent retail chain since five year, is currently pursuing Mba in retail management from the same university to gain better prospect.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the high sales of goods & power of advertising - 'what we buy is up to ourselves' [6]


No, it should not be long. It can be two sentences (if you don't have the hook, which is not as important as the other parts of the intro) or three (hook, background, thesis)

So, as per Simon, it is the background and the thesis. That's quite acceptable, but your essay would look more presentable and appealing if you have a hook also included. What I suggest to you is that to begin your essay with the background (introduction of the issue) and continue your essay. If you get time after completing the essay, include a hook.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - Media invading public figures privacy. [3]

News that can be defined as" north east west south" provides happening of all these four zones of the world. It is imperative to know about the world and latest happening of it. Previously news were telecasted by limited channels, however today many channels are available that unveilsbroadcast lot of information about world as well as celebrities and public figures.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Living in modern Apartment or Traditional House - support your choice [4]

Yes, it is not delivering the idea you want to convey to the reader. Afford means having enough money to pay for something. Choosing to live in an apartment depends on many factors and money may be one of them. Give more focus to your idea and present it in a simple way so that the reader gets your message better. Do not complicate your sentences with too many inappropriate words.