Scholarship / My plan: a faculty member at some well known University or a Research Scientist of an organization [5]

Duzaho, you are a very confused person. The focus of your post career plan is not clear. Do you want to help develop Space Science in your country or do you want to increase the abilities of teachers and strengthen the educational sector? Once you figure out which of the two you really want to focus on for your post graduate studies, then write a new and properly focused essay based on that career plan. Don't go beyond the 5 year career plan. Your PhD does not have any relevance in this plan.

In order to better align your essay with the UK relationship requirement, you should look for the DFID connection in your country. The educational programs of the UK agency are detailed fully in the Independent Commission for Aid Impact report. Try to secure a copy of the old or updated report and use that as the basis of your post career plan in relation to developing the working relationship between yourself, your professional plans and goals, and the UK.

Remember, write a new essay. What you presented in this thread is a post study plan that is usable in a general sense with other universities. It is not for use with scholarship applications of any sort, most specially not for Chevening.

Writing Feedback / Sources of energy - IELTS 2: Problems and Solutions Essay [3]

Dung, you are not being asked to justify the reasons for using alternative energy sources in this essay. The whole premise of the essay is to prove that using these other energy sources have a positive effect on the environment. You need to familiarize yourself with English word meanings. "Justifiable" means to be able to be shown to be right or reasonable; defensible. While the term positive means consisting in or characterized by the presence or possession of features or qualities rather than their absence. The term that you used in the opening paraphrase changed the discussion topic for the essay and will thus be considered a prompt deviation. This will cause you to lose TA points due to obvious LR and comprehension skills problems on your part.

Only paragraph 3 is correct in discussion approach at this point since that outlines the positive aspect of using alternative energy. Therefore, you will only receive points for that part of the essay. Since you will then be also lacking in word count, as the minimum is 250 words, there is no way that this will be considered for a passing score.

In order to properly respond to the essay, you need to first, understand what the essay is talking about and second, develop a proper response based on prompt expectations. This essay did not fully accomplish that. I hope to see improvements on your end with your next practice essay. That is, if you continue to seek advice from this forum.

Undergraduate / How has a film influenced me (NYU Tisch Prompt) [2]

Nirvigna, don't narrate the movie to the reviewer. He already knows what the movie is about and what aspects of the film make it a stand out in terms of cinematography, photography, screenplay, etc. Instead, focus on the parts of the movie that helped you to create an understanding of life. You said the film is about the consequences of excess. How did you come to that conclusion? Involve a discussion of specific scenes in the film that carry the lesson you want to share with the reviewer. What happens when you lead an excessive lifestyle at the expense of others? That is the question you should be delivering a response to in the essay because that question directly relates to the "way you look at the world" part of the prompt instructions. Refocus your response and your word count will be sure to meet the limitations this time around.

Undergraduate / Georgia tech application - Describe a day in your life [4]

Hi Joshua, if you are at a loss, why don't you try to write this essay from the normal day in the life of your family with a focus on your relationship with your parents, siblings, and the family dog? Talk about a typical weekend. How does it go? What is family time like? How do you bond with your siblings? Your parents? How do you make contact with them in the age of technology? What happens when you take Kal-el to the park? These are all normal, everyday occurrences that you can fall back on since you don't have any friends to speak of.

The reviewer doesn't care if you have friends or not. He just wants to get to know who you are beyond academic interests. How do you interact with people? Who are you close to in the family? You can talk about building relationships with your sibling, learning from your parents, and simply enjoying your down time with your dog. There are several ways to write this essay. You just need to figure out how to say it in an interesting way. Remember, you need to introduce who you are outside of the world of learning to the reviewer. That is all he is interested in learning about.

Undergraduate / FILM/TV Student Why NYU College ESSAY (400 words) [5]

Nirvigna, this essay does not need any background music. You don't need to "love me like you do". You just need to explain why you want to go to NYU sans any diversionary tactics. The introduction of the music and the description of NYC is misplaced in this essay. You are not being asked about why you want to go to NYC, it's all about NYU. The first reference is a prompt deviation that never helps any applicant. If you want to go to NYC, then go there, you don't need to attend NYU to see NYC, get it? What is that Gossip Girl reference all about? How does that relate to NYU?

Most of what you say in this essay sounds like you just took it from the university website. There is no real relationship between the classes you want to take and your interest in film. What you will be taught and what you hope to learn are two different things. What are the academic goals you hope to achieve as a film making student at NYU? As a reviewer, I am not being informed about that in your essay.

You are in love with NYU? Prove it, list your academic and professional goals as you see NYU allowing access to both. No, I don't mean the free movie passes but yet, I mean the internship opportunities. Add to the latter part in relation to your professional goals and remove the free passes.

Undergraduate / Georgia tech application - Describe a day in your life [4]

Joshua, the narration you have in this essay is highly creative to the point of disbelief. This sounds more like the script for a movie rather than realistic portrayal of the day in the life of a student. Try to be more normal sounding. Don't go for exaggerated events and accomplishments that may not be part of your normal day. The essay is after all titled "Describe a day in your life." This refers to a normal day when nothing special is happening. Who are you when you are having just a normal day, not wanting to accomplish anything or stand out in any way? How do you spend your day when you are not trying to over impress the reviewer? Just talk about a typical day in the life of a teenager, nothing super extra ordinary as you try to depict here.

Tell the story without trying to constantly give the reviewer a heart attack. The harder you try to impress him, the more he won't believe what you have to say because your statement is bordering on the fantastic at this point. Just be normal. Don't try to write the comic book life of a super hero. Just be the alter ego, the normal human being who goes through life in a normal, sometimes almost uniform and boring manner. You can still have an exhausting but satisfying day just being a normal sounding person without the exaggerated presentations of your activities.

Writing Feedback / Practical intelligence or academic intelligence? IELTS writing task 2. [2]

Hoang, the best solution to your word count situation is to stop writing run on sentences as you are accustomed to. It is when you write extra long sentences that you end up waiting more than the appropriate word allotment. You can about doing that by writing your paragraphs in sentence line formation first then formatting it into a paragraph form later on. The format is something like this:

Paragraph by sentence line :
1. Mary had a little lamb.
2. It's fleece was white as snow.
3. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
4. It followed her to school one day.
5. Patiently waiting till Mary came out at the end of the day to go home.

Outlining your essay by numerical sentences gives you a clear idea of you have written to many words per paragraph. In paragraph form, this looks like this :

Mary had a little lamb. It's fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. It followed her to school one day. Patiently waiting till Mary came out at the end of the day to go home.

Above is a sample of how the numerical sentences count would look as a paragraph. 5 sentences maximum. Each sentence with a clear discussion contribution to the paragraph. The sentences can be longer if you wish, as long as it isn't over 5 sentences and doesn't represent run on discussions. You will be sure to be within the word count at all times using this method for writing your paragraphs. . You will not be under, you will not be too much over the word count either. You can even edit and revise the essay while you place the sentences into the final paragraph format.

Scholarship / Building an anticorruption environment - Chevening Network Essay [5]

Francisco, there are several networks in this presentation that you should interconnect in your revised essay that could help you prove that you have a currently active and working network in the legal field. These networks are as follows:

1. Beccar Varela
2. Brazilian-Argentine Chamber of Commerce youth committee
3. Argentine Ethics and Compliance Association
4. anti-money laundering committee of the City of Buenos Aires Bar Association

The law firm and organizations indicate a highly important national network on your part. The networking essay should not include your autobiography. Instead, replace with a paragraph about how you develop and continue to develop a working relationship with these committees. If possible, present a case wherein you, as a representative of your law firm had to utilize all the other 3 networks in the resolution of a case you were handling. Such an inter-related networking example will help to further support your possibility as a future leader and influencer in your country as required by the leadership and influencing essay. Connecting the two essays through your networking actions will help increase your profile as a candidate for the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Fish and meats consumption - Preparing to take IELTS for school requirement - Task 1 essay [4]

Krystal, your prompt overview is the weakest part of your presentation. It had a good start but ended up being incomplete in presentation because it does not provide all of the summarized points of interest required for the analytical discussion. What is missing from your presentation are the following:

1. The types of meat for comparison (chicken, beef, lamb, fish)
2. measurement type (grams per week)
3. Trending statement

Do not start the trending statement with the word "overall" as that is a memorized word that indicates a lack of lexical resource of English vocabulary when it comes to synonyms. You can instead say:

1. The graph indicates...
2. The measurements depict...
3. The indicative standards represent...

Or any variation thereof. Showing off your ability to write the same meaning in a different way is more helpful to your score than using memorized words, phrases, or sentences.

Now, about your possible C&C score, you are severely limiting yourself by presenting 2 run on sentences per paragraph. The best scoring Task 1 essays always have at least 3 sentences per paragraph in a task 1 essay. Each paragraph covers a specific discussion for each graph indication (one for fish, one for beef, etc. )

You lack a comparison point discussion as instructed in the prompt. Beef and Chicken overlap in the line graph so that is a comparative discussion point that should be analyzed in the presentation.

Undergraduate / Fear of asking for help - Common App Essay [5]

Gaby, the story you narrated doesn't fall under an obstacle that you had to overcome. Instead, it falls under one of the following prompt discussions:

1. Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma - anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.

2. Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

3.Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

My top choices for the essay that you have written are prompts 1 or 2. That is because the elements of your discussion show more of a personal character development and enlightenment about your own abilities and how those around you can be of help in fulfilling your need for help. The essay you have written is strong and truly indicative of the person that you are and how your life experiences have led you to certain realizations and skills development. I would rather change the prompt than have you write a new essay based on an obstacle topic. Why write something new when you have a perfectly good essay to retrofit into one of the other prompts right?

Writing Feedback / Family's closeness - IELTS 2: Problems and Solutions Essay [4]

Viet, let's start with what you did right in this essay. Your 2 body paragraphs / reasoning paragraphs are well written. It portrays a clear understanding of the given discussion and your ability to properly discuss the essay given the prompt requirements. The strength of your essay writing is in the most important part, the Task Accuracy. You show a good grasp of the English language through your sentence structure presentation and grammar use. Your vocabulary is acceptable and properly used in the context of the discussion. This is a promising start to your review process.

Your connected discussions in the second paragraph are excellent. You have a good grasp of how to connect discussion reasons in a connected manner within a single paragraph. Most test takers struggle to accomplish that in their exercise essays. It is beginning to look like you just may be able to easily gain at least a 7.5 score with your practice tests if you keep writing this well.

Now for the problems.

The paragraphs need to have a minimum of 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Each paragraph should have only one discussion topic, normally presented as the first sentence in the reasoning paragraph. In relation to this discussion, this is a direct question essay. Therefore, your opening paraphrase is incorrect. You must present at least the foundation reason for your discussion in that paragraph. The correct representation would indicate one reason and one solution to get your essay started.

While the rest of the essay is well developed as I previously mentioned, your concluding paragraph does not summarize the discussion are required by the test. This is actually the simplest part of the essay to write because all you need to do is come up with a 3 - 5 sentence presentation that repeats the following:

1. The discussion topic
2. The reasons provided in the second paragraph
3. The solutions indicated in the third paragraph
4. Closing sentence

Just present the same information in a shortened form. Consider it the reverse of the opening paraphrase. The closing paraphrase just needs to represent the discussion you presented as opposed to the opening paragraph that need to represent the original discussion and the instructions for the discussion or, in this case, the starting response to or early discussion of the reasons and solutions for the given topic.

Like I said, you show a great potential and, guided properly, you will most likely ace this test. I hope to be able to guide your development in the coming days. I'd love to work with you on that.

Undergraduate / Common App Application - How building my first computer impacted me [2]

Hi James. After reviewing your essay, I have come to the conclusion that your language teacher is right. It is perfect as it is and can be used to apply to any of the top universities. It really does Offer an insight into how you deal with failure and success. The lessons that you learned which led not only to a personal growth but also the development of a new skill, but also helped you to understand others through a shared common interest, the building of a computer.

I believe that your essay has the ability to respond to the prompt in a two-fold process. The method by which you built the computer sparked a period of self-realization while your consulting with your friends would definitely resulted in a new understanding of others. Personally I believe that this essay would better benefit from a dual discussion rather than a single focus response. Reviewers appreciate essays that respond completely to the prompts. It helps them get a better insight into the person, his character, and how he might be a student at the university. Your current essay feels one dimensional at the moment. Including a reference to the understanding of others through the development of your PC creates a more 2 dimensional presentation of your character and ability to interact and communicate with others.

I know that my response isn't what you expected but I just wanted to get this food for thought out there for you to consider. It might just be the reason that your essay becomes more noticeable to the university reviewers in the end. I really feel like the activity you are presenting will best be served by a well rounded discussion of the 2 prompt topics.

Undergraduate / Parents and Pastors - AppplyTexas essay topic A [3]

Hi Logan. This is a very simple but clearly informative and endearing essay. You successfully explained how your family's religious background grounded your beliefs in life. Your mother's influence also showcases how you developed a strength of character. I'm just wondering why your father does not figure in your essay at all. Since you mentioned that your parents were youth pastors, I would have liked to have learned how your father influenced and shaped some other aspect of your personality, belief system, or strength of character. Is it too late to add that to the essay? It would help to equalize the influence that your parents had on you when it came to shaping who you are today. Maybe insert that as the new third paragraph of your essay? Don't get me wrong, the essay is good, but I feel it is not very well balanced in terms of telling the reviewer what your background is. You did not indicate that you were raised by a single parent so the "father' aspect of the discussion is expected and should somehow be reflected in your response.

Undergraduate / Common App essay on baking. Cake as a form of expression [4]

I am confused about the actual point of this open topic essay. What was the personal prompt that you created when you thought of writing about this topic? You should have included your personal prompt in the presentation in order to help the reviewer understand what the whole point of your essay is. At first I thought you were applying for admission to a Chemistry major which is why you referred to referred to baking as being a form of Chemistry. That is one option for your prompt. Then later on you said you simply wanted to bake because of a sense of accomplishment and a form of self expression. That would be option 2 for the meaning of this essay.

You need to choose one of the two and remove the reference to one of them because those 2 paragraphs focus on 2 different topics. Just because this is an open topic essay doesn't mean that you can just ramble on and present unrelated talking points. You need to present a cohesive topic within the essay which is supported by the discussion in your paragraphs. Please consider what your actual personal discussion prompt will be about and adjust the paragraph content of your essay accordingly. Don't forget to include your actual personal prompt when you submit the essay as the instruction guide for the reviewer while reading your essay.

Scholarship / I aspire to inspire, motivate, connect and make an impactful change in my local community [3]

Saoussen, this is only a college level "Let me introduce myself" essay. It is not a competitive Chevening leadership and influencing essay. Unless your presentations can represent the development of your leadership and influencing abilities on a professional or community level you will not have an appropriate leadership and influencing essay. This essay sounds too much like you do not really have any idea what Chevening is looking for in their applicants. Only the last paragraph could actually be considered for use in a new version of your essay.

Focus your next version on your professional leadership abilities. Job based leadership and influencing qualifications based on work demands will best represent the requirements of Chevening. Specially if your professional reference directly refers to a national or international reflection of leadership skills. If you do not have that, then your most recent community service leadership activity in a social organization will suffice. As long as you portray yourself as an adult leader and influencer who knows how to resolve issues and influence the decisions of people during a problem assessment process.

Graduate / Statement of academic purpose - MSc Development Management [3]

Cristina, you can further strengthen paragraph 2 by writing a new paragraph directly under it that will help you to explain how you will be applying what you learned in the course to your actual profession. For every specific course interest you have, it should have an actual application in your workplace. Discussing how the theories will be put into practice will show that you have chosen a course that has a direct relationship to your future advancement in the workplace.

Paragraph 5 is not complete in terms of idea or topic presentation. It needs further discussion development in order to create a clear idea of what you want to say in that paragraph. What is it all about? How will the borrower make it his own? Or, maybe explain how you hope to help the borrower. A small study plan will help to explain your research interests in relation to actual applications in Colombia. That part feels really weak in this version of the essay.

Scholarship / Engineering - choices and reasons for study in UK [11]

Anissa, I do not see what you cannot understand with what I said. The Chevening Scholarship essays are always written with a 100 word minimum to 500 word maximum format. I said you were over by 2 words so that means you wrote 502 words. It is over the word limitation of the essay. As such you will need to revise the essay either by removing unimportant words or word fillers or, you will have to revise sentences / paragraphs in order to shorten the presentation of words while keeping the meaning of the sentence or paragraph intact. Meet the word count of 500 before you submit your paper. If you submit the essay without editing the word count, your application may not be accepted. There are always rules given in relation to writing the Chevening essays. Make sure your essay meets all of the requirements not just in terms of prompt discussion, but also in terms of word allotment.

Scholarship / The network I have built supports my career in the education sector [2]

Duzaho, your essay will be better served if you revise the content to focus solely on the depiction of the development of your teaching network. Although I am not familiar with the acronyms that you mentioned in relation to your development as a teacher, it appears to me that these associations have some sort of national networking foundation. This is what the Chevening networking essay is all about.

You can better develop the idea behind the necessity, importance, relevance, and scope of your network if you remove the reference to your work at the petrochemicals company since that isn't really an effective networking example. Focus on the network that will imply an important national network on your part and teaching will do that. You must develop a complete presentation of these networks in action during a specific period of time. It has to help you prove that the network is importance and will have a relevance to the Chevening community.

The last paragraph should explain how you see this network helping to expand and improve the Chevening network in the field of teaching. The reviewer needs to be given the impression that this network will be of extreme importance to the scholarship network because of an international relevance.

Scholarship / My Post Career Plan when I come back to my Country - Kenya [4]

Doreen, prior to working at the Commonwealth Development Corporation, how do you plan to improve UK relations with your country? Rather than focusing on a global method of promoting business to investors and bring in investments to Kenya, you should focus on recruiting financial investments directly from the UK. The UK is sponsoring your scholarship so you have to create a clear relationship not only between your country and the UK, but also yourself and your host country.

Consider the DFID operational plan for Kenya for 2018, or even the 2014-2016 plan, which includes financial and investment plans for the UK in Kenya and develop a better essay based on a multifaceted approach to financial investments in Kenya from the UK based on 2 involved agencies, the DFID and the CDC. Pick one project from each that you can participate in somehow, explain how you can participate and write about it. That way the essay will be more focused on your career development in relation to the UK partnerships with your country and professional field.

Undergraduate / My Bucket List 1.SELECT ONE EXAMPLE HAVEN'T FINISHED IN YOUR BUCKET LIST 2.HOW TO FINISH THIS GOAL [3]

Hi Derek, can you tell me if you are writing this essay for an English language class or if you are writing this for a college application? My advice will actually depend upon which type of essay you are trying to write. As of now, I will advise you regarding this essay as part of your language learning class.

It appears to me that you do not understand the concept of a bucket list as opposed to an ambition. Let me define it for you. A bucket list is a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime. While ambition is a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work. What you have discussed in this essay is your ambition, not a bucket list experience or achievement.

A typical bucket list would say something like:

1. I will climb Mt. Everest on my 25th birthday
2. I have a private pilot's license in 2 years
3. I will learn how to cook Korean food by Christmas this year

and so on and so forth. The above is a sample of a bucket list . Picking one from it and explaining the steps is what this essay is all about. So the first paragraph should say:

I have always been fascinated by Mt. Everest and admired the people who have conquered it. I want to climb that mountain by the time I am 25 because...

The second paragraph says:
To achieve this I will have to become physically fit and trained to climb mountains. I will start by working out in the gym... I will learn rock climbing techniques...

The above samples are how this statement should have been written. It is not about ambitions, it is about what you aspire to achieve in life.

Scholarship / Leadership essay - I want to climb up the ladder to lead toward the economic development [6]

Barka, this is an ineffective Post Study Plan essay. You are indicating that you want to work at the Ministry of Foreign affairs, however you do not indicate that the work you hope to do there will be part of a current career progression. Are you changing careers? If you are, then you need to indicate that in this essay. You also lack a proper presentation of a long term career plan that involves proper career advancement steps and other possible work experiences you hope to experience. Most importantly, you are not indicating a clear UK relationship between your career plans and the UK projects in your country.

This essay sounds more like you did not even bother to read the actual prompt requirements nor really give any serious thought to how you see your career developing in the future. This is not and will never be a competitive essay in terms of Chevening requirements. You will need to review the sample post study plan essays at this forum so that you can get a clearer understanding of what this essay requires in terms of information, specifically about the UK presence in your line of work.

Scholarship / MBA course in the UK - 'Networking' essay for Chevening [3]

Thi thi, this is a terribly personalized contact presentation (Which is different from a network) that does not show any national or international application for the Chevening community. The essay is self centered on your cousin's business and the local organization (which is not a network) seminar that you took to help improve her chances against the competition. This did not really help you create a business network. You have thought of the networking essay as simply a seminar attendance requirement which is it isn't.

A networking essay needs to show how you develop business contacts, develop those contacts, and use a series of those contacts in the pursuit of your own professional needs and development. This is only a seminar learning based essay. It is not going to help you establish that you have a working professional network that can be useful to the Chevening community. When compared to the other participants network presentations that have a national or international coverage, your networking essay is not only amateur but non-existent.

Develop a real networking essay. Read the examples that are on this forum and try to develop a networking presentation along similar lines. You cannot use any part of this current essay because it does not apply in terms of content and focus.

Scholarship / Chevening Networking - Networking in solving a case [4]

Ruth, on the contrary, this is an essay that displays a strong example of a wide profession related network on a national scale. The problem is not the network but the presentation that you used. You need to revise the essay in the following manner:

1. Discuss how you normally create your networks. That means you can mention some notable seminars and training you have attended. Pay particular attention and expand on the discussion regarding the seminar where you made the acquaintance of your contact person at the Ministry of Communication and Informatics. Describe the kind of relationship you created with this person at the seminar.

2. Discuss why you felt that a social media group network needed to be created for all your contacts. What was the purpose of the social media group and how did you hope to utilize these contacts for your profession? Who were the members of this social group? Is it still active? How have the members interacted network wise so far? How useful has this social media network been to your profession and to the other members?

3. Increase the focus of your discussion to include how you expanded your network on a personal basis through the contacts you made at the ministry after this project. Who are these people ? Are they in positions of note? Have you needed to call upon their help again recently?

4. Close by further explaining the coverage of your network and describe why the Chevening community will benefit from the inclusion of your national personal and social media network in the process.

Make the above changes and your essay goes from weak to highly indicative of an important personal and social media network that has the ability to create a national and international impact on the Chevening community.

Undergraduate / Helping Community in Florida - MIT Supplemental Essay [3]

Jackie, your presentation is too short. Aim to present at least 200 words for this response essay. By increasing your presentation in terms of word count, you can better inform the reviewer about why the rehab center close by benefits from your contribution. Maybe they are running on a string budget? Or perhaps they are a volunteer organization that relies on donations? You need to better depict the reasons why your family's contribution is something that should be noted by the reviewer. Right now, the essence of the contribution is lacking.

In addition to that, the first 3 sentences seem like a constant repetition of the first sentence. You can drop the first sentence and start with the second sentence instead. That way the reviewer's attention is immediately focused on your activity instead of a throw away introduction to it. That will also allow you to have an increased available word count that you can use to explain how you plan to continue doing this at MIT through the community services or related clubs and organizations on campus.

Undergraduate / My ticket of success, ticket of dreams and ambition - College essay "ticket in hand" prompt [6]

Do as you will with the essay. It is your presentation that matters and your voice as you wish to present it to the reviewer. Mine was simply unsolicited advice. As for the part about what happens after Anna Wintour's comments, where to place it and what is should contain is all up to you. It all depends upon how you will revise the essay. Since I have no idea as to how you will be presenting your next draft, I can't really hazard a guess as to where it would best to place that information. I would have to see your next draft to consider whether you placed it properly within the essay or not. Sorry I can't help you with that bit. I am prevented from doing so because you still have to revise the essay and I can only make another assessment regarding discussion content and placement after I read the revised version.

Undergraduate / My ticket of success, ticket of dreams and ambition - College essay "ticket in hand" prompt [6]

Londyn, don't confuse the essay with references to other people and their dreams or accomplishments. Just stick to yourself in the presentation. You are the focal point of the discussion and the only one whose travel using the ticket the reviewer cares about. Delete this whole essay and start over.

If you want to use any part of this version for your next draft, use paragraphs 3 and 4. Those are the only really interesting parts of this writing that pertains to you and what you would do with the ticket. The rest of the essay just diverts the attention of the reviewer in an unimpressive way. Bear in mind the main discussion requirements of the essay: Where will you go? What will you do? What will happen when you get there?

So, what happens after you hear Anna Wintour's comments? That should be the next paragraph.

Undergraduate / UBC College Essay Prompt 1 - about me in my community - and my attempt (undergrad)... [4]

Kanishk, your essay only responds to the part about something that you are most proud of about yourself and why. You used 261 words to describe a personal accomplishment alone. You are supposed to write only 250 words maximum for this essay response.

The division of word count is supposed to be 125 words for "Tell us about how your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you then another 125 for your accomplishment discussion.

You cannot use this essay. It will be best for you to write a new response, this time keeping in mind the 2 required discussion topics and writing the essay accordingly. One paragraph for the first part of the essay and one paragraph for the second part.

In its current form, this essay will be rejected by the reviewer and could result in the total rejection of your application in the process.

Scholarship / Chevening: "Helping Others" - Leadership and Influence Capabilities [3]

Whoa! There is absolutely no way you can use this as a Chevening essay. There is a 500 word limit the presentation. You have over 1000 words. You definitely need to go back to the drawing board and write a new essay. Do not write your autobiography, which is what you are presenting here. Just focus on your most impressive leadership and influencing experience and discuss it. The Chevening committee will be looking for particular things in your essay such as your ability to become a potential leader and influencer in your country on a national scale. So if you can just present one professional or community service based incident that could inform the reviewer, your essay will be back on track.

This is about leadership, not membership or teamwork. So most of your references in this essay do not count towards a sound Chevening L&I essay. I am afraid that if these are all the qualifications that you have, you may not make it past the screening round. It is too weak as it does not really show any leadership and influencing merit on your part. None of the information you present does that. Try to find something that can highlight such skills in yourself and write a new essay. Focus on those 2 important aspects directly. Don't bore the reviewer with your academic life story.

As I try to find something in this essay that can maybe help your application, I am not sure if you are really a co-founder of this local NGO but if you are, then you can try to use that as the basis of your leadership and influencing skills. I am not sure how good that will be for this essay because you indicate more of a rank and file status than that of a founder or team / mission leader. Try to see if you can develop something using that information instead.

Scholarship / Engineering - choices and reasons for study in UK [11]

Anisa, you are over the word count by 2 words. It would be best for your essay if you can combine the goal of your country with your academic training. Do that within one paragraph so that the reviewer will be able to see the connection between your desire to help your country and the validity of your previous academic and current professional skills with the objective of your country with regards to economic improvement areas.

Your choice of universities simple outline what the courses are about and what you hope to learn. You need to indicate a direct application of the theoretical learning you will be receiving with the current work that you are doing or indicate a future professional goal for yourself that can be achieved by completing the course. Right now, all you are doing is explaining the course to the reviewer, which doesn't really tell him about the relevance of the course to your professional goals or the objectives of your country's economic improvement program. It is one thing to understand what the course is about and what it can teach you. It is another thing to explain how the course is relevant to your professional goals. The professional goals in line with your studies matter the most in this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - different perspectives on changes [2]

Zi Xuan, the reason that you failed this test is really simple. You failed to follow the discussion requirements from the very beginning. This is a 5 paragraph essay that should have had 3 reasoning paragraphs based on 2 public points of view before the establishment of your personal opinion. Right from the get go, you had the essay all wrong. Your thesis statement at the end of what was otherwise a fantastic paraphrase is what got you started with your mistake.

Thesis Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Your Instruction: Personally, I tend to look forward to changes and endless possibilities they bring.

Correct Response: I would like to give my personal opinion regarding this topic after a clear discussion of the presented 2 points of view.

So the discussion structure should have been:
Par 1: Paraphrase
Par 2: Public POV 1
Par 3: Public POV 2
Par 4: Personal POV with supporting examples from personal experience
Par 5: Concluding summary

For the body of paragraphs, you should have provided a clear idea that the public discussion was taking place. Saying relevant keywords such as "When people say that..." or "However, when members of society believe that..." Such keywords clearly represent that you are discussing the 2 public points of view in the essay. Since that is a required discussion, you need to properly represent it within the first sentence / topic sentence of the paragraph.

The concluding summary on the other hand should merely summarize the presented discussion points in the 3 reasoning paragraphs so that you can repeat your personal opinion as the closing sentence of the essay.

These are the main reasons that your essay score was lower than you expected. You did not understand what was required of you in the discussion. Utilize the other sample essays that are available at this forum. Read, read, read the samples and learn about discussion approaches and common student errors made so that you can avoid the same mistakes in your future practice tests.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership and Influence Essay - Lead the older generation [6]

Harmina, do not write about the development of your leadership skills. The reviewer is not interested in that. He doesn't care about what seminars you attended to improve your job performance. Nor does he care about the results of your consultation with other people. The weakness of this essay lies in the fact that you are not really explaining how you won over the team through influence.

Your influencing skills must be the highlight of this essay because that is the only way that you could have won over a team of older people. By properly influencing their concept of accepting as their leader, you will have properly led the team towards success. The reviewer wants to know about that, not all of the fluff that you present in this essay.

Focus on depicting the steps that it took to finally be accepted as the team leader. Enhance the influencing presentation by presenting instances of insubordination within the ranks that led you to step up and show them that young as you are, you are still their leader. That is what will highlight this essay and hopefully, convince the reviewer that you do have the leadership and influencing abilities to make a change in your line of work and in effect, in your country, after you complete your studies.

Scholarship / Essay about my leadership skills. Leadership and Influence for Chevening Scholorship [2]

Khan, this is not a leadership essay. A call center agent or team leader pretty much does not have any actual leadership or influencing skills because the agents are trained to respond to the phone calls and the answers either come from the "bible" or prepared responses or from a consultation with more experienced agents and the team leader. Your actual essay does not carry any remarkable or notable form of leadership nor influencing.

All you did was give a job title and work description. Unless you can come up with an actual example of an instance when you had to apply your vision or leadership and influencing within your team setting, you do not have any leadership and influencing essay to present for your Chevening application.

This essay does not qualify you for consideration due to lack of proper qualifications. You cannot use this essay. You need to write a new one that highlights your ability to lead and influence the team in a manner that also shows how you can be considered a potential leader in your country in the future.

Scholarship / God help Zimbabwe - help with my chevening leadershing and influence essay [7]

@million talent why are you submitting a cover letter with a resume attached to it for your leadership and influencing essay? This is definitely not the way to respond to the prompt requirements. This is not an essay that Chevening will consider taking seriously. I strongly encourage you to look at the samples of Chevening Leadership and Influencing essays at this forum and follow the format of those essays. Most specially when it comes to information presentation. Learn how to write the leadership and influencing essay in its proper essay form otherwise, you may not make it past the screening round.

Develop an essay that showcases your leadership and influencing style by using a specific event from your participation in this volunteer group. Don't just enumerate it like you do in this essay. You are not applying for a job. You are trying to justify your qualifications to be awarded one of the most prestigious scholarships in the world. Write it properly in order to increase your chances for consideration. Read the samples, learn from their presentations, then develop your essay accordingly based on your own information and experience as an influential leader.

Scholarship / "young entrepreneurs" - for 'Career plan' essay for Chevening Scholarship [5]

Thi Thi, this essay is too long. You should present the essay in no more than 500 words, no less than 100 words. You currently have 528 words which could pose a problem for you because you are not within the required word limits. Revise the essay immediately to be 500 words at the most. The main problem that I see with your essay is that you are referring to the need for further education during the 2nd year of your career plan. Therefore, you are telling the reviewer that the line of study you are planning to undertake on Chevening's tab is useless to your career. Focus your career plan on a presentation that is relevant to the course you will be taking under Chevening sponsorship. The career plan should explain only how the line of study you hope to win the scholarship for will propel your career forward, without the need for additional education.

Your reference with regards to how the UK funded projects can help you with your career are severely under developed. That discussion should be one of the major discussions in this essay. Instead, you are mentioning that critical relationship as a mere footnote that could even be forgotten in the progress of your career. Applicants who show weak UK relationships in their post study plan often find their applications do not go through to the next round of applicant considerations. Please consider that when you revise your essay. You may want to revise your 5 year plan to clearly define how the DFID will be involved in your business development over that time span rather than simply mentioning that you will work with them towards female empowerment and uplifting disadvantaged groups. Opt to present specific DFID projects in relation to your career that you could utilize or work in partnership with the DFID.

Undergraduate / Academics and community. Who or What influenced you to apply to Syracuse? 250 word cap [3]

Luchiano, the first paragraph perfectly summarizes your reasons for attending Syracuse over the DC school. You did an excellent job of presenting the logical reasons for your university choice. I wish that you had made the same type of strong impact in the second paragraph where you spoke of the other reasons for your university choice.

First up, please remember that "a part of" is different from "apart". Based on the phrase meaning, "A part of" means to become a member of or to join a group. When one says "apart" the meaning of the word changes to "separating from" rather than "becoming a member of". You need to be careful about how you spell that word. A lot of people make that mistake in word usage and it really distorts the meaning of the sentence.

Rather than just saying Syracuse has 25 learning communities, be more specific. Discuss which communities you hope to become a part of (see what I did there? I made you an inclusive part of the community instead of a separate part) so that your decision to attend the university gets a clearer additional detail. You will develop an academic reason and motivation for learning since you can gear your learning towards your specific interests.

By clearing your references up, you will achieve 3 goals. The first will be to indicate your training and internship reasons for attending the university. The second, will clarify your learning goals. The third and last part will highlight how you want to combine all of your academic and professional goals under one roof, in a community that you know you will be comfortable both learning and living in.

Scholarship / Leadership is about impact, influence and inspiration. Future leader with leadership skills. [2]

Ekene, what you related is a perfect topic for the networking essay as the situation presented a procurement problem and the solution was to make contact with pharmaceutical companies. That is clearly a networking exercise as you did not have total access to the companies at the start. It would be better if you remove the reference to the pharma companies for now and present it as part of your networking essay. That is a better place for that reference and discussion.

However, you can use the fact that your team members opted to contribute personal funds to help buy the medicines instead. That is a selfless exercise that, when narrated properly will show your strength as a leader and your influencing skills because you were able to convince the team that they would be doing a selfless and admirable act by helping the team to afford the medication out of pocket. The fact that the team got recognition because of it is the highlight of the essay. Even without the mention of the pharma companies contributions. That would be a true leadership and influencing instance of note when presented in the proper light in this essay. I urge you to revise the essay to highlight the personal contribution aspect instead.

By using the personal appeal aspect, you will be able to clearly provide an example of how you develop and use your leadership and influencing skills without having to define it or explain it. The reviewer can actually see it in your actions and that, is what the essay wants you to highlight. Do not explain, offer an impressive example instead.

Scholarship / Chevening - Three British Universities Course choice [6]

Blithy, please change the presentation of the discussion to outline your course choice first, the university name second, and the explanation third. Each university gets one paragraph. You need to save the reviewer's time by presenting the necessary information first and the explanation last. It helps him to immediately focus on the required information instead of having to dissect each paragraph before getting to the point.

Since you went over the maximum word count by 4 words, you will need to shorten your introduction paragraph and the second paragraph of your presentation. In fact, you should revise all of the essay so you can present the discussion in a 5 paragraph format which is perfect for the 500 word maximum requirement. Right now your essay is too wordy without really hitting the mark in an interesting manner. Focus on providing only the required information immediately. Don't waste words.

I look forward to reviewing your next version when you are done with the revisions.

Writing Feedback / Is it possible for a country to be both economically successful and have a clean environment? Ielts [3]

Trung, this is a failed Task 2 essay. The reason that this essay will receive a failing score is because you are not discussing the essay in the manner instructed by the original prompt. Have a look at the instructions and how you responded to them:

Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Response: I personally think that is totally feasible.

You only responded to the last part of the essay which is the personal opinion. You do not have a discussion of the public points of view. The format should be:

Par. 1 - Prompt Paraphrase
Par. 2 - 1st Public POV
Par. 3 - 2nd Public POV
Par. 4 - Personal Opinion
Par. 5 - Concluding Summary

You must clearly indicate, per reasoning paragraph, who is speaking and what the topic of that discussion is all about. That way you represent the public point of view discussion as required by the task. Without proper reference to the speaker, the whole essay will appear to come solely from your personal point of view. That is exactly what happened because of your presentation per paragraph in this essay.

Please remember that a complete paragraph is always composed of 3-5 sentences as per the C&C requirements of the scoring band. Writing less than the minimum number of sentences can have a direct negative effect on the development of your explanation which will then lower the clarity and grammar skills consideration for your essay. You will receive less C&C, GRA, and LR scores when you write less than 3 sentences per paragraph. Always optimize your scoring potential by aiming to write 5 sentences per paragraph, not just for the reasoning paragraphs. The score is after all, done on a collective not per paragraph basis.

Scholarship / I need to develop my DISRUPTIVE THINKING. Reason why study in UK. [3]

@ahmedbaehaq this is a pretty strong university choice essay. It is only weakened by the under developed discussion regarding your first university choice. While you explained what the course is about and what you will be learning, you forgot to indicate (as you did in the last 2 courses) what sort of future application this line of study will represent in your future career. How do you hope to use or implement what you learned in this course down the line? As a graduate, what potential does this course hold for you in terms of helping you to define the cashless economy or some sort of spending innovation in the country?

You still have some available word count. I suggest you use the remaining words to expand the discussion of the first university choice. If necessary, revise your essay presentation in order to suit the required information. It is important that your course choices are clear in terms of future applicability because that is the main reason why you are studying an advanced course.

Scholarship / Nutrition education to prevent onset of chronic diseases- Chevening Essay (Leadership and Influence) [4]

Tanasha, this is a personal statement for application to an ordinary masters degree course. This is not a leadership and influencing essay in the pattern that Chevening is looking for. You showed that you are a leader as a co-founder of Kyan - Mar - Yeh. However it seems that you are a leader in title only because you did not indicate any movements in the organization that set you apart from the rest of the ordinary members. You did not show a skill for handling team members or difficult situations. You only gave away kits and organized seminars, which any rank and file member of the organization could have done.

As a leader, you need to show how you communicate with your subordinates in order to gain a positive result. Display a sense of influencing over them or the community by getting them to come over to your side of the discussion when they have an alternative opinion to yours. How do you influence them into believing you are doing what is right for the community or, in the case of team members, that you are asking them to help improve the project?

This essay also mixes in networking skills in the discussion, which belongs to a different essay. The reference to the collaboration with UCSI university should not be included here because that highlights more a networking skill on your part in order to complete a task. Put a pin in this and develop it further for the networking essay.

I have already explained to you in great detail about how why you need to write a new essay. Apply the suggestions in order to create a new and more responsive draft for this particular prompt.