Writing Feedback / Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. [3]

Uyen, this essay will automatically fail in the actual test because you are not discussing it based on the given instructions. This is an extent essay. You are discussing a 2 point of view + personal opinion essay. Your TA score will be 1 because your response is totally unrelated to the task. To be clear, let me outline the mistake for you below:

Original Prompt Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Your Response: The purpose of this essay is to discuss and analyze the two views mentioned above in depth and give my own opinion.

The mistake can be clearly seen in the above comparison. The expected response is "I completely/totally/partially agree/disagree with this statement" or any variation of that presentation in terms of a response.

Your coherence and cohesiveness along with your GRA score will also not be in the passing range as your C&C and GRA scores will be along the lines of a 3 because of the lack of an organized paragraph presentation. Your GRA score is the same because of your problems with sentence formation that create a problem for the reader when it comes to understanding what you are trying to say. The paragraphs have distorted meanings due to your lack of expertise in the use of English vocabulary. These all lead to an LR score of 3 as well. This score is based on your lack of control over word formation that end up delivering a confusing statement to the reader.

Don't feel defeated. This is only the start of your road to improvement. This first assessment has helped us to figure out what your weak points are when it comes to task 2 essay writing. So you will know which aspects to improve upon when not writing practice tests. That way, you will be able to show an improvement when you present your second essay for review. I strongly suggest that you download apps that can help you with sentence structure and vocabulary exercises so that you can improve those problem points a bit before you write your next practice essay. That practice should help you develop a more improved presentation the next time around.

Scholarship / KGSP personal statement .. applying for second time after a rejection [6]

Nguyen, you only have one side of the A4 sized paper to write on. In order to properly present your essay on that size of paper, there are two things that you have to accomplish. First, you must edit the paper to focus only on the core points of the prompt. Do not bother with too much description or introduction, just get to the point. Respond directly to the requirements and don't waste space or word count.

Second, you will need to resize the fonts on the screen to fit the actual page. I suggest going no smaller than a font size 10. That is the most readable of the small font sizes. However, if your essay goes over the page size at that font size, you will need to edit your content in order to be even more specific. Keep editing the essay presentation until you see it as a readable post in font size 10.

Yes, you will have to print the essay on one side of the A4 sized paper. No more, no less. That is the requirement of the KGSP scholarship form. I know that it sounds confusing but that is how the print is to be done. 1 side of the A4 size paper. I think you can type 500 words to fit on that page at font size 10.

Writing Feedback / The map compares the structure of university sports center at the present and after the innovation [2]

Le, this 4 paragraph essay should have been presented in the following manner:

1. Summary overview with trending statement
2. Present description
3. Future Plans
4. Comparative changes

it is because you did not do a proper present description paragraph then the complete future changes plans before presenting the comparative changes that your essay fell short of the 4 paragraph format. Why the 4 paragraph format? As you can see from the outline I created above, the highest scoring potential for your essay will only come if you actually complete the instructions provided which are: Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. By using the above outline you would have been able to properly accomplish the task.

That is the reason why even though you wrote 161 words, the descriptive essay is still lacking some important presentations. You only succeeded in describing the drawing, but not really analyzing the presentation for descriptive purposes.

Scholarship / I possess qualities of a good leader and I can prove it. CHEVENING ESSAY LEADERSHIP QUESTION [3]

Abubakar, please remove the opening paragraph that relates to your definition of leadership. That is irrelevant to the essay requirements. You should also omit the mention of your NYSC participation as that was too long ago and was a failed project since you did not deliver the project on time, regardless of the satisfaction of the client. The best leadership and influencing role that you can best present as it falls directly under the specification of "future leader and influencer" is the part about your mentoring job at Julius Berger Nigeria.

In this role, you are both a leader and an influencer in the professional life of the future professionals under your mentoring care. You are just a bit weak on the leadership aspect because you are talking more of your evaluation technique rather than your leadership role in the group. As the leader / mentor, how do you influence them into performing tasks that they do not feel they can accomplish? What happens at the site visits? How do you lead and influence them while at a worksite? What issues do they face that require your leadership guidance and influencing skills? How did it turn out for those concerned? Focus on developing your leadership role in this area because this is the perfect indicator of your ability to become a future leader and influencer in your country.

Writing Feedback / Describe your favorite form of transportation - bus has many benefits [3]

Tran, when writing an essay that has several topics for discussion, it is best for you to offer each topic a separate paragraph so that it is easier for you to write and develop your presentation while also making it easier for the reader to skim across the page, reading your material. If you must use the counting system of presenting your information then please do so in the manner that you deem fit. However, in order to effectively prepare the reader for these changing topics, you should first offer a transition sentence at the end of the first topic that helps to introduce the second topic. When you get used to using transition sentences, you will find it unnecessary to use the numbering system in presenting your reasons in every paragraph.

As I mentioned in this essay, it is better to present one topic per paragraph so that you can offer a more solid discussion of your reasons. From the way that you present the reasons at the moment, you are not really convincing the reader about why you prefer to take the bus. Comparison points such as the cost of taking a taxi or the train as opposed to taking the bus would have helped when you said the bus was a more affordable form of transport. The same line of reasoning should have applied to the other reasons you presented so that you could have more effectively convinced the reader that your choice is a logical and preferable one when considering other options.

Undergraduate / UofT One Idea Supplementary Essay (similar to the common app essay) - learning from failure [2]

Ophelia, consider shortening the backstory for your essay. It is way too long and creates a really boring component to your presentation. You are writing an application essay. That means you need to catch the attention of the reviewer within the first paragraph or 5 sentences of your essay. If it takes more than 1 paragraph for you to get to the point, you will have lost the interest of the reviewer.

The best way to tell this story is simple, tell the reviewer that you love writing stories and decided to enter the competition at school. You learned that you failed to make the cut 3 weeks after submitting your story and you were devastated. This led you to review the contest requirements and you found out that you had violated the rules... You get the idea. Compress the failure into one paragraph then use the rest of the word count to explain what you learned and what resulted from it. This should not take more than 5 paragraphs to write, 6 at the most.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The tables below give information about sales of Fairtrade labelled coffee and bananas [5]

Falu, you have written way too many words for the allotted 20 minutes in this essay. Aim to write no more than 175 -200 words in order to allow yourself ample time to review, revise, and edit the content of your essay. While vocabulary counts in an IELTS essay test, reading and comprehension skills are what account for 50% of your actual score. So focusing in only one aspect of the scoring technique, which is only a low part of the scoring consideration will not help you much. A long essay will never qualify you for a passing score, regardless of vocabulary, if you prove you cannot follow simple English instructions.

I believe that your summarization of the given information is accurate and shows a clear understanding of the prompt requirements, You gave comparisons of information from both tables, which is the most analysis that can be done for such a situation since your analysis is only as good and complete as the information you have been provided in the charts. Thee were no similar figures in any instance so I did not expect to find anything other than a report of the main features in a comparison format. You approached this essay from the proper perspective. You did a good job.

That said, your essay does not have a specific trending statement indicated such as a consecutive increase or decrease in sales over the comparison period. I would have indicated an increasing trend for bananas, specifically in Switzerland and a an increase in coffee specifically in the UK over the given time frames. Aside from that missing statement, you have pretty much complete information. However, you should have presented a 4 paragraph format since this is a task 1 essay. The trending statement could have represented the 4th paragraph, placed anywhere within the page.

Writing Feedback / There is a myriad of people who believe that physically harmful sports ought to be forbid - IELTS 2 [6]

Khoa, the Band 9 essays that you have seen on the internet are examples of work done by English native speakers. We are capable of writing in an advanced form of opinion essays that you, a non native English speaker will not be capable of at this time. That is why I am advising you to take the simple but safest road towards getting the highest possible score for your currently intermediate writing skills. I am only going to say this once. I am advising you based on a tried and tested system. The system that got me a band score of 9 when I first took the test. You see my writing style, it is a definite band 9 scoring essay. Your style is not yet up to that.

I am trying to guide you from the bottom up. Do not reach for the stars when you have just started to learn how to drive. Start simple, follow the simple rules and work your way up from there. You already know the explanation as to why I am advising you to write a 5 paragraph essay.

The prompt requirement is clear, this is a 5 paragraph essay covering one point of view per paragraph. The outline was fed to you by the original prompt itself. All you have to do is follow it. The clues to writing a high scoring essay is found in the prompt instruction line. Just follow it to maximize your scoring potential.

This essay is about clarity and cohesiveness, both of which will be missing if you insist on combining 2 topics in one paragraph when you do not have the ability to combine discussions properly with the use of transition phrases and connecting thoughts / words. Do not over estimate your writing abilities right now. You have a very long way to go before you can even come close to a band 8 essay writing style.

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic writing task 2 Some people say that children should go to school as young as possible [2]

Phoebe, while your opening paraphrase should be commended for its interesting prompt restatement and reproduction of the discussion instructions, your body of paragraph leaves the essay wanting when it comes to a proper discussion approach. As a 5 paragraph essay, this should have clearly depicted the 2 points of view and then your personal opinion or a reverse thereof within the discussion. The way that you discussed this essay shows that it all comes solely from your point of view. How did I come to that conclusion?

Not once in your discussion did you give ownership of the POV topic to the public by referencing "The popular opinion that..." or "In comparison to that point of view, others..." so that you could say "My objective point of view is..." All of which are references to the types of point of view to be presented in the essay. On another note, please remember that during this pen and paper test, you will not have access to the internet. Hence referencing actual information from the University of Melbourne or the University of Hong Kong, though authoritative, will not be something that you can do during the actual test. You won't have access to the internet at that point so it is best for you to get used to using popular opinions and personal knowledge or experience for these discussions.

Another problem with this essay is that it does not have a proper concluding summary. It is an open ended 4 paragraph essay that closes at a point where the discussion has yet to be summarized and concluded by the writer. Why did that happen? Did you run out of time while writing the essay or did you not know that a concluding summary is required as a part of the Task 2 writing requirements?

Your grammar is good. It could be considered intermediate English at this point. Your sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation comes across cleanly and with very little errors. The existing errors do not hamper your writing style nor the understanding of your comments. The paragraphs are clear and the sentences cohesive. Though you lack in the use of transition phrases or sentences, the essay somewhat comes together as a whole. Like I said, the concluding summary paragraph was of great importance in this presentation and that is the part sorely missing in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Have you ever had this question in your mind: "Are you a saver or a spender?" [2]

Tran, is this for an English writing class? It reads like a routine writing exercise to me. One of my observations is that you used a slash to create "Therefore" and "Consequently". In formal writing practice, the writer must make that word choice decision for the reader depending upon what it is you want to say. Therefore means " for that reason" and is a synonym for "consequently". Consequently means "as a result". You must decide early on what it is you want to say and how you want to say it. Don't leave that choice up to the readers. You are not writing a "choices" game here.

Your explanations are all familiar to those who follow the investment news. So I had no problem understanding your explanations. I believe that your presentations are simple enough for anyone to understand and take as logical advice or the basis of understanding simple investment practices.

What I did not see in the essay is your personal response to the question. In order for this essay to be effective, you need to offer a response that applies to the question based on your personal best finance practices also. That way, you are coming across not as a writer who merely researched the topic, but as a writer who actually has his own knowledge, experience, and understanding to share with his readers.

This is an acceptable piece of writing though. You did a good job in writing simple sentences that can be easily understood by the reader. There was no stress involved in trying to understand what you wrote. It is a passable piece of written work. Good job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Task 2 Public spending on arts is a waste of money, agree or not? [3]

Catherine, there are four ways to approach an extent essay:
1. I completely agree
2. I completely disagree
3. I partially agree
4. I partially disagree

Based upon your given explanation, the approach you should have taken is "I partially disagree". The reason is that when the term "completely" comes into the extent response, you are not given any room to create a partial comparative or totally comparative opinion discussion. Since your response indicates that you see reason for both sides of the discussion, then your response should have been along the partial stance.

Another error in your discussion is that you gave reason immediately, within the prompt paraphrase for your response. The prompt paraphrase, for all intents and purposes should never house your reasoning for a given discussion as there is not enough room to build your supporting presentation within the 5 sentence maximum paragraph. If done properly, the prompt paraphrase should be 3 sentences long at the most. Composed of :

1. Topic for discussion
2. Reason for discussion
3. Discussion instruction (optional)
4. Response to the thesis statement

You wrote 2 sentences which were composed of run on sentences each time. You will lose points for extremely long sentences that should obviously have been presented as 2 individual sentences instead.

What I do see in your writing is the potential to develop properly presented reasoning paragraphs. Provided you properly represent the response to the given question. That means, you need to familiarize yourself with the discussion instructions and how to respond to these in writing. You should not lack for references and examples at this forum in case you want to learn more about how to write the Task 2 essays. Ample advice is also given based on the errors of the writer from which I am sure you will gain useful writing tips and additional learning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Pie charts about Oscar winners by genre in 2003 and 2008 [2]

Hang, the first problem with this essay is the number of words that you have written. During the actual pen and paper test, you will not have a chance to write 259 words. That is not possible due to the time allotment for this writing task which is 20 minutes. The ideal number of words to write, since this is a short analytical essay is between 150-175 words. Don't spend too much time writing this task as you have a total of only 60 minutes to write both tasks. Task 2 is the one that should be longer and more analyzed.

Do not sacrifice your time for editing the essay in favor of writing more words. More words and a longer essay does not guarantee a passing score. What that guarantees is that you will make more writing mistakes than if you wrote a simple 150 word essay instead.

You are not providing a uniform number of sentences per paragraph. The minimum is 3, the maximum is 5 per paragraph covering 4 paragraphs. Your essay sometimes has between 1-6 sentences in every paragraph. Use the 3-5 sentence format in order to get a better GRA assessment score. This can help boost your overall score when you have scoring problems in other areas of consideration.

The essay itself lacks a trending statement as part of the summary overview. The trending statement takes the place of the conclusion in a task 1 essay. The task 1 essay does not require a conclusion as you have written because there are no opinions being discussed. Instead, a trend based on information comparison is required for the proper analysis of the statement. Rather than saying "To sum up" in the last presentation, you could instead say, "Based on the above information, the trend indicates a change..." The trending statement can be placed anywhere in the presentation anyway so you don't have to place it as part of the summary overview if you don't want to. What is required though, is that a trending statement be presented in some manner or form in the essay.

The report also lacks a comparison of the two pie charts. There is one instance where there was an almost similar number of winners in 2003 and 2008 and that is in the horror category. When the instructions indicate a comparison discussion, that is a clue that there is at least 1 similar data presentation in the essay that you can present. Look for that immediately and take note of it so that you don't forget to include it in the analytical report you will be developing. You also failed to use transitional sentences or phrases from one paragraph to another in order to create a connected discussion presentation.

Considering these problems plus the other errors in your LR and C&C presentations, I believe that the score you can get for this essay is a 4.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile Answer - 'kindness is a virtue??'? [4]

Bianca, I can sense the definite anger that you had while writing this response. It is alright to vent when writing. However, it is not advisable to submit a statement to the reviewer that you had completed during a moment of anger. In all honesty, you can use this essay is you rearrange the presentation a bit and try to lessen the rage evident in your words. This sounds like someone had just hurt you and you were feeling so angry and vengeful that you decided to let it out in your writing instead.

What you can do is open with the statement about kindness. Yes, start with the concluding paragraph because it makes for an excellent opening statement. Kicking off the essay with that paragraph gives you a less angry stand point when you begin to discuss "I've had enough experience..." The whole 2 paragraphs tie together in a logical paragraph statement that properly explains why kindness and respect for people (you may want to add that reference) are important to you. You can totally forget to include the first statement in the current essay. That line of questioning doesn't work with the overall presentation.

Always remember, it is alright to write something in a fit of anger. Don't consider that your final work though. That is the throw away draft. After you read it a second time, you can take the parts that you think will work in a revised statement then write a new one that includes parts of the throw away. It is this second version that becomes the official draft for you to work on finalizing for the response statement.

Writing Feedback / The table shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time - TASK 1 [2]

Mai, while you wrote over the minimum required words, your essay shows a lack of analysis and proper summary overview because you do not present the required 4 paragraph format. The reason that you are lacking one paragraph is, aside from the improper summary overview, the presentation lacks the comparison points discussion as required by the prompt requirement.

You are being asked to make comparisons where relevant and, from the way I read your essay, you did not compare the overlapping points that are very obvious in the essay. The comparison points for discussion lie within the graph where the age ranges of 65-74 and 45-64 are just touching one another on the line and also intersecting at the 35 and 34 % markings within the chart. This lack of comparison discussion is going to cost you in terms of task analysis as your essay will be perceived to only be partially informative and missing important discussion points as indicated in the prompt requirement.

Your summary overview lacks a summary indication of the age ranges and the measurement type being used in the prompt. These are all important to present at the information helps the writer, that's you, to create a usable outline for the upcoming 3 paragraph discussion part. One positive point in your presentation though, your trending statement is well represented and considers the graph information accurately.

When you mention a rapid decrease and increase, don't forget to refer to the percentage measurement. Accuracy is the name of the Task 1 essay so, you have to explain what percentages these events happened at in order to clearly explain to the reader how and why it happened. When you say age groups doubled, mention the age ranges, again, the reader doesn't have access to this chart, so be as specific as you can in order to gain a higher TA scoring consideration.

Scholarship / Prior to my arrival in Korea, I would take an intensive Korean course; My plan is to receive TOPIK5 [3]

@jimjimnie This is a very good study plan for both English and Korean languages. The fact that you knew to focus the discussion first on Korean is something that not all applicants remember to do. I have to say though, you don't need to add any information in parenthesis for these types of discussion. The reviewer already knows what you mean and you need not remind him in optional form, which is what the parenthesis is all about. It takes away from the academic tone of your presentation. Even without your scheduling reminders and types of learning material reminders, the essay remains strong and focused. It would be best to remove those references in the essay just to keep the reviewer focused on what you are saying rather than superfluous information contained in the parenthesis.

Overall, this is a well focused and highly developed essay representation of your language development plans. Save for some little details that need to be addressed, I would not change any of the major content that you are presenting in the essay. The whole presentation is based on logic, facts, and actual practice requirements. This is indeed, a very good job that you have done.

Scholarship / Biological Sciences major for KGSP. Should I pay much attention to the fact I'm an ethnic Korean? [3]

Alina, the fact that you are an ethnic Korean should be a tremendously strong motivating factor for you and should be highlighted in this essay. However, it should not take over half of the essay to discuss it. Remember that you have other prompt questions that need responding to as an applicant. Therefore, you must balance the discussion of your history as an ethnic Korean with the rest of the requirements. As of now, the essay has a tremendously long focus on your being an ethnic Korean which is causing the essay to be of a disservice to your application.

Discuss your being an ethnic Korean without presenting so much information about your grandmother. She is not the scholarship applicant and should only be a mere mention or a connecting link between you and your Korean heritage. You will lose the attention of the reviewer because you are discussing a person who is not involved in the application process. Limit the presentation of your grandmother in that aspect. Instead, discuss how being an ethnic Korean affected your parents after they moved away from their home country.

Your academic presentation is weak. There are no honors or academic competitions mentioned as part of your strength as a student. Why is that? You may want to explain your lack of academic merit in those fields. You claim to be one of the best students in your school and yet you do not mention any honors received, achievements completed, or recognition for special talents, skills, or other related fields. The lack of these creates a weak academic consideration for you within the scholarship. Remember, you transcript of records will be submitted with your application so if you excelled in any class, this essay is the perfect moment to call attention to those grades in consideration of the scholarship grant.

Your overall essay seems to deviate heavily from the prescribed prompts. I strongly urge you to review the required presentation list and revise your essay to better reflect the necessary information, removing the irrelevant parts (as indicated by the prompts). You will immediately see which parts to cut out once you write a new version that responds to the prompt outlined in the application form.

Undergraduate / My tours - review my Personal Profile (about myself) for UBC [3]

Hetav in order to bring this essay down to within the word count, you can remove the reference to "Zhusuan". That is a subject that is unique to your country and will be unknown and therefore, of little interest to the reviewer. If you have to explain what that is to the reader, it isn't going to help your application. Make sure that the information this contains is really relevant when it comes to understanding who you are.

You have already spoken of your love for Math in your previous essay so you can totally skip that presentation in this statement. Try to avoid information duplication as the purpose of each question is to get to know a different facet of your personality through the written interview. Repeating the same information will not accomplish that purpose. You could instead expand on the discussion about how your teachers viewed you through the years. Say, you were talkative in elementary school, how about high school? Perhaps you can describe yourself as inquisitive to a fault so that teachers dreaded having you ask questions sometimes? Something along those lines. Introduce yourself as an in-depth learner as a part of your "thirsty lad" description. Such a change will make the statement more informative in a new manner for the reviewer to read.

Undergraduate / What shaped you into the person you are today? 2019 college application essay [4]

Miguel, this is an excellent. draft. How many words do you have for the allotment? The reason I ask is because the essay is missing an important factor in its presentation. The missing factor is how you have applied these lessons that you have learned from your parents in your own life. The lessons that they taught you and the experiences you had growing up were all certainly considerable character building exercises. That is why I believe that aside from simply explaining what you learned from these events, you must also offer an example of how you have applied these lessons in your life through your own experiences.

Your concluding paragraph is a bit cocky. It refers to your dependence on your parents for your tuition fee and other things in life. This runs counter to the lessons of independence and self-sustenance that you implied in the first part of your essay. Rather than saying those things, you can change the paragraph to instead, explain how your life lessons and experiences have led you to better prepare for your own future as a college student, just in case things fall through for your parents financially or otherwise. Then explain that you are preparing to continue the tradition of attending and completing a college education in your family. The end of the essay should imply that the person you are today is one who is independent, self - sustaining if need be, and open minded when it comes to realizing that you should not rely on others to help you out of difficult situations. These are the lessons that I believe are evident in your narrative and best explain the person you are today.

Overall, this is a pretty good start. It has room for improvement though and I hope that you will consider my suggestions above. Good luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / There is a myriad of people who believe that physically harmful sports ought to be forbid - IELTS 2 [6]

Khoa. this is a 5 paragraph essay, you only wrote 4 paragraphs. You created a prompt deviation in the second paragraph, your line of reasoning is under developed due to your desire to discuss several topics per paragraph, all of which remain unclear in the discussion. Your point of view is good but should not represent the other POV as the instructions clearly indicate that you need to discuss both points of view and your opinion in the end. You are using memorized phrases like "on the one / other hand". These are the obvious mistakes in your essay that will immediately cause your scoring consideration to be lower than you hoped.

Your second paragraph discussion was almost acceptable, had you not included a prompt deviation in the discussion that states; "As a result, if the government prevent ... psychological disorders, etc." This is a final point of view opinion that is not required in the prompt. Do you see any discussion in the original topic that asks about a government intervention within the given topic? No. Therefore, you are not to discuss such things as these are considered irrelevant details that, when added to the other errors in your writing, will result in a lower than passing score.

Always remember to double check the instructions. When 2 POV's are required along with a personal opinion, that is automatically a 3 body paragraph presentation. One for each POV and then one for your personal opinion before the concluding summary. In this case, you only discussed one public POV and then a personal opinion, you are missing a second POV based on public opinion.

Please remember not to use special punctuations such as emiticons and the term "etc." these types of essays as these are not casual writing exercises but academic presentations being presented to an examiner. I am not sure why you used emiticons in this essay but that is an extremely bad habit to get used to doing as it shows a lack of regard for the reader.

Writing Feedback / It is an argue whether businesses have to be responsible for their effect on society or not [4]

Nguyen, your essay will fail due to several formatting problems. The first is that you have a redundant opening statement paraphrase, neither of which has a direct response to the agree/disagree question. You need to respond to the question with the provided choice answer to make sure that you score accurately on the TA part. The second paragraph is just a repeat of the first one, hence you created a 6 paragraph essay when the requirement is a 5 paragraph essay.

You over discuss your paragraphs as well. Each paragraph must have only 1 subject topic per paragraph with the explanations and supporting evidence counting no more than 5 sentences, but no less than 3 sentences per paragraph. Even with your paragraphs being of the run on and extremely long explanation type, your paragraphs are still under developed, little explained, and hard to keep track of. When this happens 2 scoring sections are affected, the C&C and GRA scores receive deductions.

Let us just pretend that this mess of an essay does not exist. You have a chance to properly develop a good essay using a different topic for your next practice test. Before you do that though, you may want to consider reading the numerous Task 2 writing samples at this forum in order to get a better idea as to how to approach the writing tasks. That way you learn about the mistakes of others and why you should not be making the same mistakes in your presentation. It is a fast and efficient way to learn.

Undergraduate / An impromptu speech without any earlier preparation - my response for a problem [3]

Hetav, there is no need, in my opinion, to change anything in this response statement. It is simple and direct to the point, as all 200 word statements should be. There is a clear topic, a challenge to overcome, an analysis of the situation, a presentation of how you dealt with it, and a learning experience on your part. You covered all of the required elements in your presentation. How you worded it is acceptable as this is not a grammar test. Saying "No, I was wrong" adds to the element of suspense in your presentation which would help to hook the reviewer as he would then be interested to find out what happened next. The fact that you were in a situation where there was no way out except to deliver the speech in some form shows a measure of confidence on your part and the fact that you won the coveted first prize indicates that you have a strong personality and that you can think on your feet. Good job!

Undergraduate / West Union Building: A metaphor for my life (WHY DUKE ?) [2]

Kartik, it would do your essays well if you stop with the imagery and simply respond to the prompts in a direct manner. Your creative writing method of responding often misleads your responses. In this case, your response was very enjoyable to read, but not really responsive of the question. Even if the reviewer enjoys your writing, the lack of substance in your response that would inform him about the reasons why you are attracted to Duke creates an interesting but unresponsive essay statement.

You told the reviewer what attracts you to Duke but not why these attractions result in a perfect fit between you and the university. How does the Fermion -Bag approach represent something of an enigma to you, hence the attraction? What do you hope to solve as a Physics 655 student that makes you believe this class suits your learning demands? You get the picture. There needs to be a match representation for every attraction that you present in order to convince the reviewer that you are indeed a "fit" for Duke.

The last sentence in your presentation is a throw away and I suggest you do exactly that with it. It is a tired response that all the applicants close their essays with year in and year out. Stand out by closing with something different, like the Duke Astronomy Society. You already indicated that you will participate in the #DevilDays anyway in the earlier part of your response. There is no sense in repeating that information in the essay. Saying it once is sufficient.

Undergraduate / Request to review personal profile for admission in UBC [4]

Hetav, for this essay, you just need to rearrange some of your presentation in order to make your response better suited to the prompt. Your opening sentence should indicate that as a participant of the MUN in grade 10, your participation taught you the importance of diplomacy ( What you learned about the world around you). Due to your being negligent when you presented your facts (what it taught you about yourself), you failed to analyze who your allies were and who needed to be defended. Hence when you lost, you learned that it was not only what one said that was important but how it was said and when as well (what you learned about the world around you).

You can use the manner of discussion and information presentation I used above as the template for your response. It should help you create a more fluid discussion with all of the relevant questions responded to at the most appropriate times in your response presentation. Like I said, you have all of the facts covered in terms of response. It is just the presentation that needs to be cleaned up to make it more impressive to read. This essay is all about lessons learned and that, is something very evident in your presentation. Your format was just a bit cluttered so it made the essay seem weak when it actually isn't.

Scholarship / QuestBridge Miscelleneous Short Questions for college application [3]

1. You are not talking about an achievement and what it says about you. Rather, you are discussing a point in time when you had a self-realization, which is a totally different response to a totally different topic. For this essay, you need to come from a point of view that speaks of a character trait such as perseverance, honesty, patience, understanding, empathy, or anything else along those lines of personality traits. The reviewer wants to get to know your character, not your mindset. What you are discussing here is your mindset, which is not a character trait.

2. Try to explain a bit more about why failure keeps you motivated to achieve. You can do this by skipping the sentence about math and critical thinking. The reviewer would like to understand what attracts you to various subjects and how that explains something about who you are or have become.

3. No changes

4. No changes

5. Try to add a line about what it was that you did the first time that your mom paid you that compliment. Aside from your grandmother was in the hospital and you cared for her, what did you do that was quite memorable during that period of time that made an impact on your mother? This goes to show the kind of character you have as a person, either as a son, relative, friend, or student.

6. A challenging experience is something that calls for a total body function composed of the body, mind, and in some aspects (if you believe in it) the human soul. So your response that taking a nap or listening to music is how you rejuvenate shows that you have not had a truly challenging experience in your life that begged you to take your abilities to its limits. Your response is used only for short tiring periodical activities that do not require too much participation of the aforementioned systems in the completion of the task. A person who rejuvenates from challenges does more than just that. For example, when I rejuvenate from the toll that city living takes on me, I take a camping trip to a local lake where I bask in the quiet of nature and the joys of simple living without the bother of technology. It helps my body find an inner peace and renewed energy to face the challenges I am about to face when I return to in the city.

7. Expand the explanation about the MCAT tutoring club. Who would comprise it? How would it be funded? Why do you think this sort of club is important to the student community? Where would the tutors come from?

Scholarship / Networking for individuals with strong professional relationship building skills - Chevening [5]

Aju, there is one rule for all the Chevening essays and that is, "Show don't tell" the reviewer about your skills in relation to the prompt topic. In this case, the networking essay that you presented is more aligned with explaining your networking skills rather than showing how it is developed and used in your line of work. Since you will be revising this essay anyway, I suggest that you use the following discussion points for the new basis because the one you are presenting above is totally out of line with the discussion requirements. The topics you should focus on developing are:

1. I joined with Engineers Board (ERB)
2. I am currently working as a service engineer

Develop a new essay that first explains the CPD program helps to create a network for its members. What sort of training is provided and what related fields are represented in the development programs? Which connections of note did you make. Why were they of note to you? When you explain the service engineer part, refer to a particular time when you faced a professional dilemma that required you to reach out of the ERB - CPD members. What was the situation? How did your network help you solve it? In turn, give an example of a time when you helped a fellow member out of tight spot professionally as well.

After you do that, try to explain how this network of yours should be considered an asset by the Chevening community and why you believe it is a network that can help further improve the professional lives of Chevening scholars past and present. How can you help promote Chevening through your network ? You may use a hypothetical example to illustrate how your network can help a fellow scholar in the future to explain the importance of your network to the Chevening system.

Undergraduate / THE BRILLIANT FOLLY OF A MAGNET DRIVEN CAR - Amherst Supplement Essay [2]

Kartik, from the point of view of an admissions officer, I would rather read about your high school realizations in the realms of thermodynamics and theoretical physics as opposed to the imaginings of your 9 year old self. I know that you are trying to come across as a child prodigy in Physics. However, the story you told comes across as laughable instead. Since you are being asked to discuss a statement that is obviously far beyond the understanding of a 9 year old, you may want to rethink the presentation and bring it down several notches to a reality based one. Since we are all taught the basics of physics and thermodynamics at some point in high school, you may want to explain your realizations and understanding in relation to the insights that high school level reading, understanding, and class or personal experimentation may have provided. That way you can provide a more thorough and applicable insight into the discussion topic.

Try to discuss these essays from the more believable age groups for these discussions. While your 9 year old self will have simple experiments, the child will not have the ability to properly analyze the situation and how to resolve it. However, a high school aged student will have the common sense to try various methods to solve the given situation before giving up. Thus aligning your discussion better with the expected analytical discussion and references.

Don't get me wrong, the essay is good. It is just the age reference that is the problem. Believe me, you will not be able to convince the reviewer that you are a scientific genius because you did not get into Amherst as a 9 year old. You are applying at the proper age for a person entering college. Therefore, trying to pass yourself off as a prodigy, which you are not, will not help your application. Be realistic in your age usage and discussion presentation. Maturity in the presentation of the discussion counts more than trying to show off.

Writing Feedback / The differences of Education in Vietnam [3]

Phuong, your essay is very confusing to read. It feels like you are just picking up the discussion points from any point in the history of Vietnam and its educational development. The essay you have does not have a clear beginning, middle, and conclusion to the presentation. You need to fix this by developing a more coherent presentation of the history of Vietnamese education. I suggest the following outline for this discussion:

1. History of Vietnamese education before colonization
2. Vietnamese education under colonial rule
3. The new educational platform of Vietnam (post colonialization)
4. Modern Vietnamese education

Within each section for discussion, you can do a comparison of previous educational models with the model that replaced it and then look at why the next version was a more efficient educational system than the previous one. That way, when you reach the modern educational method, you will have clearly explained not only the evolution of education, but why Vietnamese education is finally a class unto itself as an admirable educational foundation for today's Vietnamese youth.

Writing Feedback / Music cannot be prioritized by its importance - each genre has its own purpose [3]

Daniella, although you were given a detailed review of your work above, the person who gave you the advice is not a contributor but also a student herself. Which is why the analysis done, though thorough, is not the correct review of your work. Let me offer you an alternative review of your work.

Your essay fails to address the task provided in several ways. The first way that you failed to address the task is because you did not properly summarize the original prompt. While you did give a direct response to the question, you failed to properly inform the reader about the task requirement. As such, it should have been done in the following manner:

The world is represented by several types of international music genres. People require music in their lives for several purposes such as relaxation and self - expression. The problem is that people tend to prioritize international music rather than the traditional music of their country these days. Based on my personal knowledge and experiences, I believe that traditional music should be given more attention in individual countries for a number of reasons.

Now, this is where the additional task accuracy mistake happened in your essay. You are being asked to focus the discussion on traditional music of a country. In this case, the country in question is none other than your country of Russia. There was no need to mention Iran and the Setar because this is a personal opinion essay whose supporting evidence is based upon your personal experience and knowledge of the issue. As such, the mention of Iran and the Setar is ill placed because you are not from Iran and therefore, do not have any actual reference points to help support that claim.

This is not a public opinion discussion essay. The essay clearly states: " Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence." Therefore, the public discussion is not required for this essay. Your personal opinion, knowledge, and experiences are what the reviewer is looking to read about as the question pertains to popular culture in your country of origin. The ideas should be based on your own thinking, not the public line of thinking. The knowledge should be based on your understanding of the question, the experience, should be your own in reference to the question. The keyword that tells you a public discussion cannot be used comes from the following phrase: Use your own...

It is because you did not follow the proper discussion instructions that this essay will not be able to receive a passing score in an actual setting.

Scholarship / Economics and Policy Development - Chevening Studying in UK Essay [3]

Periko, consider writing a full stand alone paragraph regarding your academic history as an Economics student. Talk about your achievements in this course and how your career has motivated you to take your academic learning a step further before you start discussing your university choices. The weakness of your essay is in the lack of a clear motivating factor that relates to your academic background. You claim to have a background in Economics and you often repeat that throughout the essay but you do not fully explain your academic accomplishment in that field in relation to your chosen courses.

For every course choice where you mention your Economics background, you need to be specific about what class or training you gained during your undergraduate studies in relation to the course. That way, you can better explain how your "academic background" directly relates to your chosen course aside from referencing it as a career advancement opportunity.

You will need to make the corrections above to your essay before you can edit the grammatical errors in your presentation. A good word processing program such as Word 10 can help you do that. Also, you cannot start a new sentence with a connecting word such as "And". You need to revise that sentence to remove the connecting word or remove the period and use the term in lower case to connect the first and second information presentations.

Scholarship / Pursuing Master's degree to change from an epidemiologist into a Health Policy Analyst and Advocate [5]

Bithy, you are over reaching with your career plans. You need to represent only a 5 year career plan at this point because your academic training will only be able to help you advance your career for that period of time. You will need to acquire a PhD later on in order to complete the rest of your plans. You may want to lower your professional ambitions a bit and ramp up your academic interests in the presentation. For the academic interest, I mean implying that you plan to go back to school to get a PhD in order to continue working with the DFID in your country on far more serious and helpful projects. Most specially since you plan on becoming an effective policy maker in the future.

Save for that observation, I believe that this essay is on track in terms of properly representing the UK interests in your country as well as your idea for collaborating with the DFID after your graduation. You have drafted a very interesting and career relevant post study plan with this essay. However, you must refine it a bit to be more realistic in goals and represent your 5 year career plan instead. After all, you are only taking a masters degree at this point. You still have the PhD to do before you can become a policy maker.

Scholarship / I do my best to develop my network and communication skills for my professional career [6]

Ahmed, what makes this essay weak is that you are referring to how you develop networks in non profession related instances. All of these networks serve you a purpose outside of the workplace. However, the Chevening essay requires you to showcase your professional network based upon your career progression. That means you have to refer to seminars and training attended that led to your promotion or additional responsibility at work. This in turn should have led you to need the help of the people in related fields whom you met through social settings.

These social settings are of a professional nature as you are expected to highlight how you have an exchange of information, solutions, or simply assisting one another during professional needs. The idea is to show Chevening that you have a useful network that could be an useful to other members of the community who may choose to call upon you for help in related fields should you become a scholar.

Remember, the scholarship asks you to explain why this network is relevant to your application and of what help or importance these will be to the Chevening community in case you are added to the roster of students. Your essay doesn't meet any of the actual prompt requirements at this point so you are right to start writing a new essay. I hope I am not too late to guide the development of your new essay.

Writing Feedback / A CASUAL GLANCE FROM MY LOVE (Cambridge Ordinary Level examinations of English) [4]

Samana, this is a confusing piece of writing. It sounds like you meant this to be a poem first, a narrative story second. As I recall, you had this set up as a poem the first time you posted it. What made you change your mind about the presentation? The thing is, even though you changed the presentation, you did not change your wording. So it still came across as poetical but lacking in substance. For example, sentence number 2 in the first paragraph 2 abruptly ended. There was no subject to the verb. So that sentence did not help to move the story along nor clarify the meaning of the sentence.

Just knowing a lot of English words, but not being able to write a complete and coherent sentence in the language doesn't prove English proficiency. The overall essay was just a practice of English vocabulary on your part, without consideration for the meaning of the sentence or the point of the story. That is why I found it to be verbally impressive but lacking in content and relevance in terms of story telling.

Writing Feedback / The human have a negative effect on our planet. By harming Earth, we put our lives in danger. [4]

Ana, regardless of the information and review that you received above, your essay will still get a failing score automatically. It is not because of the errors in your sentence structures or the discussion of the essay that caused this automatic negative score. It is the fact that you wrote less than the minimum amount of words. You wrote only 224 words when the minimum is 250 words. In a real test scenario, you won't even get the reviewer to read your essay, he is going to count the words first. Anything below the minimum and he won't even bother to read the essay. You will receive points deductions for the number of missing words in the essay and then be scored again with points deducted for the remainder of the errors based on the scoring criteria. Therefore, this essay will not have any chance of passing. Please remember to write the minimum of 250 words the next time you write a practice essay test.

Undergraduate / Grey Hair and Stuffed Rooms - Common App Essay [2]

Kartik, this sounds like an overly exaggerated essay that is trying to make you sound more important than you actually are and more involved at this point in astrophysics than your actual abilities allow you to be. However, since this is a personal essay of your own design, I am not going to ask you to revise any part of it. It is what you want to say and it is what you want to relay to the reviewer. This is one essay where your thoughts take full control of the statement being delivered. While a bit lacking in seriousness when referencing Power Rangers and Kindergarten in reference to the development of your interest in astrophysics and both of which are really frowned upon by reviewers as obvious exaggerations, this is what your thought process is like and that is how it should be presented.

If anything, I would like you to correct your sentence about having studied physics. Don't start the sentence with the connecting word "because" either remove the period and connect the two sentences with the connecting word or revise the sentence to start without the connecting word. If there are no thoughts to connect, you cannot use a connecting word in a sentence.

Undergraduate / How to effectively describe my career goals? - Indiana University [2]

Zach, the best way to approach this essay is to first, think about what your immediate plans are for after you graduate. Once you know what direction your career will be going in, you can then decide how you can lay the foundation for that successfully as a college student. How do you plan on becoming a successful marketing manager? What skills both theoretical and practical do you need to develop? What facilities does Indiana offer that you will specifically be using towards achieving that goal. You have a good start with the Nestle and Hertz mention, as well as the lab. You should revise the essay to further concentrate on those points. Be specific. You will need to do some research in this aspect. The reviewer wants to know that you have given a great deal of thought to your chosen major and that you have actually chosen their university based on the merits of their educational program and not simply on a whim.

That is when you can think of what academic goals you should have in relation to your career. Think first and foremost, about your future plans then look at the programs and training that you can take advantage of at the university. Don't dwell on a generic discussion about the faculty, the university staff, and such common place but little developed responses. You must show the reviewer that you know exactly where you see your career heading and how you plan to achieve that. Don't worry, you only need to prove that you are serious about your application at this point, you can change your plans and/or training pursuits once you get in. The goal of this essay is to simply prove your seriousness when it comes to your college application.

By the way, you are being asked to indicate any academic difficulties that you have had in the past. You seem to have forgotten to do that. You need to offer at least 200 words for each prompt requirement. The latter one not being an optional presentation. You need to discuss any one of the given choices for the difficulties portion of your essay. It will help the reviewer get to know you better and your abilities as a student in relation to your application.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2. Sense of competion or teamwork? Which one is better? [5]

You have a problem with concluding because you forget that the conclusion is only a summary of the previous discussion. Therefore, your conclusion should be formed by 4-5 sentences covering the topic for discussion, 3 topic reasons based on the sentence topic per body of paragraph (POV1, POV 2, Personal opinion), then a closing sentence that indicates a close to the discussion. I will give you an example for this so it can be your template for your future concluding paragraphs.

All things considered, it appears that a discussion regarding the promotion of competitiveness among the youth is important to address. Competitive young adults tend to be more driven and successful later in their adult lives. Adolescents who learn about the importance of cooperation become better adjusted adults who know how to deal with various personalities that can be encountered. It is because of the latter belief that I support the idea of encouraging children to learn about cooperation rather than competitiveness. It pays off better for them as adults in the long run.

Scholarship / CHEVENING ESSAY - Quality Leaders [2]

Ahmad, this is not really a leadership essay in the sense that Chevening is looking for. This does not imply that you are a potential leader and influencer in your country on either a local or national scale. Knowing how to give orders to your team in order to get what you wanted (funding) is not the same as leading a team and influencing them. It is one thing to tell them what to do and another thing to lead and influence them towards success.

The focal point of your essay does not have anything to do with the improvement of your nation or its citizens. The story you tell is that of wildlife -- protection of animals which is an admirable effort but does not allow the reviewer to see how the public can look to you for leadership in terms of human needs or requirements. There is no true leadership in your essay aside from delegation. Explaining what the problem is and why you need to solve it does not qualify as influencing either. So In totality, this essay will not work. It is not going to get you past the first round of consideration.

Scholarship / My life in a few words - KGSP - UNDERGRADUATE PERSONAL STATEMENT .... HELP [3]

Alejandra, this essay is definitely too long for the size of paper that you are being asked to complete the presentation on. Remember that you can write on only one side of the paper as well. Try to revise the essay to be prompt responsive using less words. While the overall essay addresses the requirements, the main problem is in the length of your presentation. It is too wordy, contains too much information, and should be edited for highlight and memorable content.

Review your essay and try to eliminate factors that are unnecessary such as the reference to a religious education. You are applying to go to school in a non-predominantly Catholic nor religious country. It is best to not refer to any religion aspects in order to make sure that the assessment of your application is not tainted by particular religious beliefs or non-beliefs.

Your reference to the philosophical forum is confusing. Was it a debate? You are not really explaining that part very well. Either revise it for clarity or, if you cannot do that, skip it. You don't want to confuse the reader as that might make the reviewer stop reading the essay. It would be best to pick only one highlight for each specification in the prompt requirements in order to save on presentation space and create a more brief but highly informative essay.

Your interest in South Korea is not clearly developed in the essay. Where did it begin? How has this exposure helped you improve as a person and as a student? What aspects of Korean education do you feel will make you a better professional? More importantly, why study in Korea when your country offers the same course and scholarship programs are more locally available for you and as such, you stand a better chance of being awarded one? Why KGSP in particular? What doors do you think it can open and why? Don't offer generic directionless, could be applied to any scholarship response as you do in this essay.

Don't give the reviewer a Korean history lesson. Remove the reference to the Han River discussion and offer explanations based on my guide questions instead.

Undergraduate / UW Eau Claire essay for why I'm interested [4]

Tyler, your essay doesn't really address the proper prompt requirements. You are responding to the questions provided from a superficial point of view. These are responses that do not go beyond the aesthetics of the university. You rely on public information and shallow understanding of the university in itself. The prompt requires a deeper thought process for the responses.

For the question about your interest, delve into the major of your choice and the advantages that studying at the university brings. If your major is Actuarial Science, then explain how the university academic and internship programs will define you as a professional. How does your professional goal merge with your academic requirements in this field? How does the university respond properly to these expectations? Your current response seems to be implying great expectations that you may or may not have academically at the university. It is better to base the response on the actual abilities of the university to educate you rather than envisioning expectations.

The aspects and life experiences response needs to be merged into one paragraph because those are connected topics. The aspects important to you have to come from 2 areas, the academic and the social. These can be better explained why telling the reviewer what kind of academic and social background you are coming from and why you are looking forward to a wider life and academic experience as a student at the university.

Undergraduate / Love for cooking - something you do for the pleasure of it. MIT [2]

Sasha, there is a part that is written in Ukrainian in your response. Please make sure to change that to American alphabet letters please. That's a technicality that could irritate the reviewer.

The response you wrote does talk of something that you do for the pleasure of it, but it seems limited to the memories of your family alone. Try to revise the response to include a reference to you and why you enjoy this activity.

You are describing the actual activity and what takes place as it happens. The essay is asking about why you enjoy doing this activity. So give the reader less description about the family time and more about your relationship with cooking. Basically, you should not be sharing a group activity in your response but rather a solitary activity that you do during your off time.

Something that relaxes you like maybe doing yoga, painting, or photography. Baking and gardening also come to mind. Activities that allow you relax and reflect are normally used as responses to this question.

These are normally activities that people do for the pleasure of it because they derive a sense of self fulfillment or a learning about their surroundings from it.

The pleasure derived from the activity stems from something that the person learns about himself and how the activity helps develop something in that person's outlook or personality that he likes about himself through the activity.