Undergraduate / USC prompt : "Perception of Mortality" does it agree with the prompt? [4]

It was me against a one-ton, metal, forty mile-per-hour moving machine. I almost lost, indefinitely.

I crossed off that part that does not makes sense to me... "indefinitely" does not seem to work there.

You have some excellent writing here, though!! Life hit you with a van. That same thing happened to another great writer a few years ago -- Stephen King was hit by a van while taking a walk. What is this with writers getting hit by vans? We had better watch out...

Undergraduate / A Future Doctor: 7 year BS-MD Program Essay [5]

I think physician is a stronger word than doctor.

Wow, half way through this essay I stood up and cheered, and if that seems strange to you, well, maybe you are right. But... I cheered because this is so well-expressed -- that flowing first sentence, and also the first sentence of the 2nd para is really good.

I see the trouble you are having at the end. Add one more sentence to this little, separate part here:
But, unlike most other students, I only volunteered once at the hospital. (add a sentence that clearly states what you mean about why you only did it once).

(paragraph break)
Can volunteers at the hospital really experience what it is like to work with people - to cure people - by filing papers, by forwarding calls, or by cleaning up the toy box in the pediatrics department? -----> another good sentence.

Personally, I believe that I have had more experience dealing with patients For the past four years, I have volunteered with children with disabilities via the community "Shadow Buddies" program and my physical education class. ----> by connecting those two sentences, I think your meaning becomes clearer.

It should be easy to cut this down to size. Just stay mindful of your purpose. You are here to convince the reader that it is essential for you to get into this program, so spend more time discussing your plan for the future. You can take the stories about your experiences and CONDENSE them into one brilliant paragraph.

Undergraduate / UT austin "Issue essay" [3]

Also, don't capitalize nation in that first sentence. I almost want to suggest cutting it down to size as a rhetorical question:

Recently, I have found myself puzzled at h How can a nation so advanced have arrived at a point where we have such indecision on crucial issues. I am a firm believer in being decisive, fair, and practical, whether as an individual o r as a collective entity.

Less is more when you are asking the reader to invest attention.

One advantage in favor of universal healthcare is that...

or

One argument in favor of universal healthcare is that

undeniably

Undergraduate / "THE NARRATOR?" - UC Prompts #1 [16]

This new version... I can tell it is inspired. When you are inspired, you might write with poor structure but poignant sentences.

This second essay has great exchanges in dialogue, and it really captures the feelings involved.

The beginning of the first version is sort of boring and cliche "do not judge by appearances..." but the second essay starts with an exclamation! You connect with the reader. BUT do not intimidate us with this giant para to read. Split them up, and let the first para end with a sentence that conveys the meaning of the essay.

"Oh, is it? I have some, let me run to the restroom really quick," I reply, trying to conceal my emotions, and I run to the restroom as fast as I can.

I think the 2nd one is better, but I think you should have less story and more exposition of your master plan -- to empower people and enhance their lives with expertise as a dermatologist. That subject deserves more attention.

Also... I don't know if I mentioned it to you already, but please consider being a contributor to this forum. You are an AP English student like I was, so you belong here, building a collection of examples of how you can help people with language. Looks good on applications and resumes, etc, and I would really appreciate the help!! You can sign up as a contributor and read a couple essays per week...:-) if you have time! youtube.com/watch?v=ruqBcmM2lCs[/url

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: Dr King [4]

Yes! Elaborate on biomed engineering, because you can show that you already read articles about breakthroughs and research projects, etc. That will be very impressive. How can an admissions person deny admission to a student already immersed in the literature of her/his intended field?

Julian gave you a heck of a compliment! That is the highest of all compliments for a writer.

If Dr. King has written some journal articles, it would be great to cite one of them and show that you became fascinated with the kind of work he does, as well...

Undergraduate / UC essay prompt #1 Success is not easy [4]

Find ways to use fewer words to say what you need to say:
...that makes me love playing it: and that sport is soccer.

I agree that the first sentence is most important. However, the last sentence of the first paragraph is also most important!! Let the last sentence of that first paragraph say something that captures the meaning of the essay.

This is the correct way to use a semi-colon:
Also, success does not come easily; after my surgery, I worked extremely hard in order to achieve my goals without ever giving up.----> it works just like a period. Don't use it as a comma.

You write very well! Fortify the writing with the first sentence and last sentence of the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / the mountain lion UC prompt 1; the world you come from [8]

The way I look at this prompt is that the essay is actually about your dreams and aspirations. Telling about the world you come from is a way of illustrating your dreams and aspirations.

I just think the first and last para need more elaboration and explanation. Explain what you mean with one additional sentence for each of those. Your topic is perfect for the prompt... you just need to give more definition to the ideas in the first and last para.

Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt 2- Grandpa's Sin, My Revelation [4]

This is beautifully written. Before I began reading, I expected that I would have to tell you to take out some of the story to make room for answering this part of the prompt:

"...makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

But you tell the story so nicely, and it is so interesting -- I almost don't want to change it. Still, sometimes the admissions people judge you by how directly you answered the prompt, so maybe you should add more reflection at the end -- how do you think differently now? What are the implications? What is the moral of the story? Does this somehow connect with your academic aspirations?

Essays / Develop a thesis statement for KING LEAR: hidden loyalty/ blindness and sight / argument [9]


Right on! But this is about relationships, so how about considering the lessons learned by these characters not only from their experiences but from one another's experiences.

For example, maybe my spouse has a false perception that could be compared to those in the play. It is obvious to talk about her learning from her mistake, but what about the way her false perception affects everyone around her? By looking at the ripple effect, you will be able to cover the RELATIONSHIPS that are mentioned in the prompt, and you'll also narrow the theses. But you have to come up with a good thesis sentence!

:-)

Undergraduate / incorporated in my enthusiasm to contribute to this school,Does this make sense? [6]


No! :-)

You could, maybe, incorporate enthusiasm into a mixture of emotions you are feeling right now.

Don't try to be too fancy. Have you ever read a book by Stephen King? He is not fancy so why is his writing so powerful? You should write the way you would speak if you were the most excellent communicator you can be. That means leading the reader's attention rather than encumbering it.

Undergraduate / 'math tutoring program' Activity Essay for the Common app [5]

...but I myself also personally profited from this program: I sharpened my communication skills, I refreshed my knowledge of basic geometry and algebra, and, most importantly, I gained a sense of sense of accomplishment was fulfilled fulfillment with the belief knowledge that I had positively affected someone's life.

I switched it to the "active voice."

Undergraduate / "I already had many stereotypes" - U of M: Diversity essay [4]


Ha ha, I understand what Susan means. I think this part should be removed, because it may have a subconscious effect on the reader! Ha ha, in fact, it sort of... just plain reflects badly on you. Okay... I'm going to go meditate on this.

Okay!! I think it would be a lot better if you wrote about the influences that tried to instill prejudice in you. BUT, you never really accepted these ideas. You never really believed ALL Jews were cheap, did you? So, you can say that these two high school friends helped you to solidify your idea that skin color doesn't matter.

This whole essay could use some additional reflection. Right now, the whole essay could be summed up in a single sentence: "I developed stereotypical ideas about various cultural groups while I was growing up, but in high school I met some friends of different ethnicities who made me realize stereotypes are ridiculous." I think you could dig deep and offer so much more insight.

Where do the stereotypes come from originally?

Undergraduate / 'undeveloped third world countries travels' BOULDER what can you contribute [3]


You should briefly name them -- the organizations -- so that this sentence feels real instead of being vague.

Okay, the ending needs work, I think. The last paragraph should transition into what is going on for you right now... this immediate plan to take your education and contribute to the college community. Get specific. Name an idea, like starting a student community based on this work you do.

Graduate / sop for masters in biotechnology [4]


I think this sentence is important. Perhaps it should be closer to the start of your essay... in the intro paragraph. By teling your background, your love for nature, and your primary research interest, you let the reader know what you and this essay are all about.

Let the essay be about this drive to achieve something in this field... and perhaps you should mention recent advances that have been made in the field. Show the reader that you mean business, that you are on a mission to accomplish something meaningful.

You have done a great job with this, so my only advice is to sharpen the focus so that it is truly about your "purpose."

Also, don't capitalize "nature."

Undergraduate / Open topic Supplement Essay about guitar-playing [9]

See the TOS about the rules for posting, deleting, etc.

I also wanted to tell you I love your first sentence! It is perhaps the most interesting first sentence I have seen today. I suggest giving some deep consideration to the purpose of this essay. You obviously write very well, so the thing to do now is use your powers optimally!

What is your intended major? What else do they know about you? How does an essay about guitar fit in with the other things they know about you?

I always advise people to try to present themselves as determined, resolute students who have clearly decided about many of the things they want to do in life -- and then showing how it is absolutely necessary for you to go to this school, with its specific resources, in order to achieve your goals. I think this gives you an advantage for being accepted.

So... take another look at this and say, "What effect am I trying to have on the reader with this essay?" by doing that, you may realize you want to change some things that do not forward your purpose.

Undergraduate / "I have always contributed something" - Rutgers admission essay [9]

The fact that I grew up in another country will enable me to relate to many of the students who currently attend Rutgers and most likely allow them to relate me.

Okay, so this is supposed to be the important sentence... like, the main idea of the essay... because it appears at the end of that first paragraph. but actually, the essay is about a PROCESS that you went through, isn't that right? So, i think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first para.. a sentence that refers to your difficulties in moving to a new place and about learning that you always have some creative way to contribute.

Make it so that every paragraph sort of refers back, somehow, to the idea expressed in the last sentence of the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / FSU admission essay STRENGTHS [5]

Scratch that weak first sentence and start with this:
I believe that my parents have driven me through many meaningful events that reflect the person who I am today. I am a ...

That is a god way to start, I think. I think you could also add another sentence to the end of that first paragraph -- something thoughtful about your interpretation of Vires and the kind of Vires reflected in this essay.

That giant middle paragraph should be split into 2 or 3.

Oh, this is a cool approach! I think you should make a theme of "discovering Vires," rather than developing it. That would make this unique and memorable. At the end, you talk about it as something you discovered in yourself, and that is a strong part of the essay.

Undergraduate / massachusetts college of pharmacy supplement essay. [3]

I remember my whole family crying and mourning for days.

As a future pharmacist, I look forward to dedicating my life to serving others for the hope of a better, more healthier future.

This sentence above iis a little too general. It is a sentence that answers their question about why you chose your major, so it should be specific. Other kinds of medicine can help to provide a better, healthier future, too, so why pharmacy? Come up with a specific reason, and this might just be complete!

:-)

Book Reports / analytical essay on 1984 and Brave New World [4]


Above, were is the end quotation mark supposed to be? Revisit that...

You should get a definition for education from some source other than wiki.

As both good and bad exist i n people's mind, there must be alphas and epsilons.

Since the Enlightenment movement, equality has become an instinct inside us.

You have some small paragraphs that could be put together as larger, more substantial ones... Try different arrangements of paragraphs and sentences, and always look for a way to clarify your meaning by giving each paragraph a topic sentence that tells the idea represented by the paragraph.

Undergraduate / I did not believe in the existence of dreams ; Commom App [7]

Just go give some ideas to other people and then give them this link to your essay and ask for their points of view.

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast between living in the countryside and the suburbs [3]

I am impressed! Most compare/contrast essays are very rigid and robotic, but your opening paragraph is so natural and eloquent!

The other similarity is that people in the countryside and suburbs are friendly. They always welcome newcomers with a warm smile , and I feel comfortable talking to them a lot. Although they are meeting me for the first time, they always ...

Nicely done!!

They afraid their daughters will encounter dangerous sexual harassme nt, so they don't allow their daughters freedom to interact with boys. In contrast, many teenagers in suburbs are very comfortable when they make friends .

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: Rebuilding a Club [6]

Wow, I am impressed by how well you write.

Also The president and I also broke down each of the ten sections of the packet and divided it up into small pieces. In order to prevent procrastination and cramming, we wanted to from the start, enable small groups to present a 5-7 page section during each meeting so that by the competition date we would have thoroughly completed the materials.

Here, I'll move a comma:
In past years, the officers counted on the members being self-disciplined enough to read the materials, and apart from a few token efforts there was not any structure to help the members progress through the daunting packet.

Undergraduate / "Drop Ball" - Common App Essay - Applicable? [9]

Yes, it definitely answers the prompt, and yes this new ending is great.

Dramatic pause:
However, I still have what matters most -- and that is my life.

This is very thoughtful and well-written!

Need one more comma:
...stress I had caused my parents, my friends, and my body, I vowed never to...

Undergraduate / My family came to America with limited amounts of money -common app essay [5]

John Quincey Adams

My family came to America with limited amounts of money and two small bags filled with our belongings.

Yes, I think this is a great topic! The way to improve it might be to write some more at the end about what you will do with the opportunity you now have. Tell about your plan a little at the end of the essay -- your plan for college & career.

Undergraduate / UT essay - person of impact on you and importance of that person [9]

Hey, look at that first sentence again, it is weirdly incorrect. I see that you write well, though, so you can fix it!

...had been exposed to very little of what was American culture.

I will admit that I was a bit afraid. and I remember it as if it were yesterda y. ---no cliches!!

All week long, from the viewing to the mourning and burial, her mother's death had taken a toll on her. -----> great sentence!!!

comma:
I realized that my parents were not the one's to blame, but rather the one's to thank and cherish.

Oh, this is sad but very, very emotive and meaningful!

Undergraduate / If today was my last day - Common App Essay [20]

Oh.. yes, well recycling essay material is just fine. They are all your words. The thing to avoid is to recycle as a matter of cutting corners. Instead, recycle ideas in order to refine them.

I think it is okay as your topic. The most important rule I tell people, though, is to present yourself as though you are certain about your career path -- that way, the admissions people will want you to be able to proceed with your life plan.

Undergraduate / IWU-one paragraph why essay [3]

Wow, Kelsey did such a great job, I don't know what to say!

...I had lived in Chicago with my mother during my third grad e school year and fell in love...

This has everything: Good pragmatic reasons to choose the school based on your career interests, personal preference for the location... it is wonderful!

Undergraduate / "those seeking a new life come forth the Lord" -personal statement. an exprience [6]

He slowly approaches me, and rests his soothing hands on my shoulder.

or

He slowly approaches me, and clasps my shoulder with his soothing hand.

This is great, seriously. Now, the thing that is missing is the academic part. Can you revise the last paragraph to connect your academic and professional aspirations with this decision to change?

Undergraduate / "passionate abut studying" - University of Rochester Supplement (common app) [9]

Yes, you did answer it well! I suggest giving a little detail about the poverty you suffered -- perhaps an example of a situation you faced; it only has to require one sentence.

Then, add one sentence about how this adversity will enable you to contribute to the school Again, a detail is important: mention your interest in getting involved with a student organization dedicated to alleviating poverty in various places (look on the school's website to find the name of one such organization)

Graduate / Statement of purpose on Asian Studies [6]

Wow! What I would really like to see is a combination of both. I love the beginning of this one, because it is a question to which everyone can relate. Is it possible for you to incorporate your discussion of Chinese social practices, your goals for the future, and so forth?

If I had to choose one, it would be this second one, but I really believe that parts o the first essay would fit well with it. What do you think? Can you cut out some parts and combine these? Start with the opening para of essay #2.

Writing Feedback / Smoking ban - essay argumentative [5]

The harms of smoking have become well-known around the world. The Global health organization has discussed many

You could also find more information about these problem in the many websites on the Internet which discuss this problem. Also, when you go to any hospital you will see many photos on the walls that considers about effects problem smoking .This essay will look at the most important reasons why smoking should be banned everywhere .

The first reason to make smoking banned is to minimize diseases that affect humans, such as ...

The second reason is to save money that people pay to smoke, because the pack of smoking cost much money so when the smoker buys a pack every day. How much money will be spent in the month and in the year too ?

Undergraduate / Game Freak- Common App Essay [10]

Now, this was not an illicit drug-dealing scene, as you might suspect; I was trying to buy a Nintendo DS without being discovered by my dad.

Ha ha, great approach!! You are funny.

I had been desperate to acquire the game console for a long time.

Only after losing the DS did I find realize how addicted to it I had been.

Great job!!

Undergraduate / MIT "Something for fun" and "Department" Essays critique? [6]

No comma necessary here:
I can say without hesitation that I am no Iron Chef.

Actually, I like it this way:

I can say without hesitation: I am no Iron Chef.

In the second essay, make "myself" one word.

I really like the Iron Chef essay!! The second essay will be better if you claim to be fascinated with a particular kind of science, and then mention sme recent advancements that excite you.

As an individual who endeavors to increase his understanding of the natural world and who seeks to tackle the medical mysteries that have baffled...

Undergraduate / How does my reflective essay sound? [3]

Has there ever been a time where your parents told you not to play in the house? Well it has for me; m My mom had always told me not to play in the house because someone could get hurt , but I never believed it until July 8, 2007, the scariest day of my life. Now I know parents do not say not to play in the house to be mean, but for their child's safety.----> well, sometimes it is because they want the kids to go outside where they won't be bothering everyone! :-)

I scratched off that first line... I think it is ineffective as a "narrative hook." But, your sentence that starts with "My mom always told me..." is a great attention getter!

I told him no, that he was not bleeding and that he was Oka y, and he said yes and but he put his hand behind his head and there was a gush of blood.

Well done! Great ending.

Misplaced comma:
I also should have been relaxed a nd told my brother to stay calm when we saw all that blood, because when I freaked out, he did too.

Undergraduate / Go-go the suprising culture- UVA supplement essay [6]

This is an excellent topic to use, and your sentences are full of interesting detail, eloquently delivered.

Great collaboration here, thanks everyone!

...is the sound of Washington, D.C.

Undergraduate / My passion for knowledge has been nurtured fiercely since infancy, magnifying every passing moment [10]

Yes, strip away all the parts that are angry.

I hope I do not say this the wrong way...it is not the child's responsibility to forgive the parent; the parents are responsible for doing what is right. However, my job is to help you present yourself in a positive light, and the most impressive thing someone can do with a situation like this is forgive.

Forgiveness is made possible by understanding, and understanding is made possible by the deep, reflective kind of thinking that makes an education successful. Education involves more than just academic studies -- you have toughed it out through a rigorous educational program. Now focus on forgiveness, and use this essay to show that you have conquered the bitterness and anger that were not your fault but that were your burden that you had to cope with.

Make it so this essay shows someone who has emerged triumphant from a difficult past.

Undergraduate / My limits, America - a signifcent risk or ethical dilemma and its impact on you [9]

Essay 2 is the one!!! The first essay is similar to many admissions essays, but essay #2 is extremely interesting, and it really shows your contemplative nature.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - Music Molds My Mission [6]

Even when I was a young boy, I was tapping my feet to the various beats of music.

I think you should write twelve instead of 12.

The unique sounds created through a fusion of instruments ignited an (how about a word besides outstanding) interest.

I see no errors, but little things you might want to refine, like this:
Teaching guitar has honed my interpersonal skills, enabling me to communicate with people of all ages while remaining in a patient, understanding, and meditative state of mind.

Recently I started using nylon strings, and they sound so nice!! The only problem is when you switch back to metal strings, your finger tips have softened up. I hope you are doing well with your music; Audacity is some free software that seems to work well. Kind regards

Grammar, Usage / Having problems with transition with paragraghs [10]

Yes, connecting the ideas is key. And it is like a courtesy to the reader, who is trying to follow your logic.