Undergraduate / Common Application Main Essay about Peer Interaction In Jazz [3]

...play as quietly as you've...

So , we took it slowly. I would count off the...

I don't mean to brag, but... we swung!

Hey, how about a conclusion para that talks about the lesson you learned hre and how it might apply in your intended major, career aspirations, etc?

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]


Nope! You are the Jedi master! This part of the essay has to come from the heart. Don't wory, because even if the "you" of this moment does not know how, the person you will be a few moments from now might have the perfect idea! :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay "homework - necessary or not" [6]

Homework incompletely can have good and bad effects. It is necessary for only students who are too energetic, lazy, or mischievous. They need more homework to burn their superfluous energy. With other students, homework is only a problem that is wasting their time.

:-)

Graduate / Personal Statement for Diploma in Accounting and Finance offered by London School of Economics [3]

When you use "as" to mean "because," I think it is best to put a comma before it:
of studying everyday, as I have to learn...

...the power of teamwork .

I think you covered all the points they listed. Now, the next thing to do is revise for conciseness. For example:
Try to make your point in a direct, forthright way: While doing my homework I have become so much interested in finance that I have decided to make my career with it. I decided to become a full-fledged finance professional and make it my career.

Your accomplishments and experiences are very impressive!

Letters / Don't expel my classmates - letter to the principal (practice) [6]

Well, writing is an art, and art is not professional.

How about this:
I led our major representative team to enter the 1/8 finals in Northeastern University's College Students Debate Contest. As captain of the team, I received the "Best Estimated Participant" title.

Undergraduate / So, what am I? I am a writer; Pratt Institute Writing Program [3]

Sometimes I use a set of dashes to make complex sentences more manageable for the reader's attention:
There, that intimidating, horrible word -- so synonymous with "pretentious" and "slacker" -- has been spoken.

Those words describe me, so I guess I am a writer, too!

Ha ha, you have a great personality. I have an idea... how about omitting all this self-indulgent stuff I shall now begin, in my own subtle way, to define "writer."

Hah! I might as well explain the meaning of life!

Also, in a slightly easier (if a little more personal and uncomfortable) and altogether less subtle manner, I will attempt to define myself.

...and end the opening paragraph with this sentence:
I hope by the end of this, you haven't turned against me entirely.

That would be funny, and it would put the spotlight on that funny sentence.

They probably were, but you can never know for sure.

I couldn't tell you, not yet. I am still plunging. My eyes are still closed.----> very cool!

Anyway, to continue this autobiographical pause, I suppose I'd better tell you about my parents.
When you force the reader to get through all your self-talk, it can seem irreverent or smug. It can be especially bad if the person reading the material has to read hundreds of essays that day.

This apostrophe use can be bad, too: My dad's from Virginia. ----> It is as if you are too cool to have to write "My dad is from..." with a little formality.

The lack of formality can be bad. Even though this is a writing prgm and you are allowed to write a little more, less is always more in writing. That is why proverbs and fortune cookies are so powerful. That is why yoda and other Zen masters only speak short sentences. Every additional word and phrase divides the power of the communication.

So, my advice for you is to Kill your Darlings. Read Stephen King's book On Writing: Memoirs of the Craft if you want to know what that means. Best regards!! :-)

...talks about fishing anymore, and...

Writing Feedback / Tourism - business which fosters better relationship between countries and people of different races [2]

...and made possible a better understanding of diverse cultures.

You are doing very well! I think it would be more powerful if you changed to the present verb tense:
Instead of..
This has helped
write:
This helps...
and instead of:
Tourism has brought...
write:
Tourism brings...

The present verb tense is often more powerful.

Undergraduate / DICKINSON C SUPPLEMENT (SCIENCES& ARTS) [11]

I found something else:
I take special interest in the...

Yes, you write with nice rhythm. For example, this sentence:
Therefore, in class, imaging myself using the skill to design experiments and gain essential facts in the future, I always feel a passion in my heart. -----> It flows along so nicely, but maybe if English was your native language you would not say "a passion"... just "passion." But rhythmic writing transcends language barriers.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; Who would you like to meet? Mr. Amitabh Bachachan [3]

If... then.
If I could meet a famous entertainer, then i t would definitely...

Number agreement:
But these qualities do not attract...
or:
But this quality does not attract...

Do you know what I mean?

Graduate / Opinions on Narrative Essay (finance). Does my paper answer the prompt? [10]

A period is missing right at the start:
My name is Fred Max. I graduated in May 2008 with a B.S in Finance.

I agree that the opening para needs some interest added to it! How about making an unexpected observation about finance? Give a profound insight at the start, and make it a theme for your essay.

I think you do not need to write your name at the start. Replace it with a brilliant observation about leadership & finance!

Writing Feedback / compare between your childhood and right now. [16]

mmmargarita is right! She suggested a semi-colon, but you can also use a period:

Two days before the thanksgiving, my mother asked me to bring the roaster pan from the basement. I went there and took a small candle with me, because there was no light in the basement. When I found the roaster pan, I saw an album on the top of it; in the beginning, I ignored it. I took the roaster pan up stairs to my mother, but I forgot the small candle, so I had to go back. and bring it.

That is just an alternate idea.

Undergraduate / This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence [13]

From..to:
From constantly dealing with sudden tantrums to always trying to discern what it was that Mervin was asking for, my parents...

This could work for any of any of those prompts, even the diversity prompt. You can write about how your brother helped you to learn to be responsive to diverse needs. You could also choose three words to write about in a new intro paragraph for this. It can work for any of the questions, but you need to modify it.

Respond to the prompt in the intro and conclusion paragraphs, and the essay will be "framed" within the correct topic.

Undergraduate / Submitted my application, but got a call it had mistakes. What to do now? [5]

Can you find out the person's name instead of writing "Directors of Admissions of California State University Northridge?"

I regret that I inadvertently left some mistakes on my college application. The mistakes that are included in my application pertain to my college preparatory classes such as health, life skills, and computer networking that would not be counted.

There are certain classes which do not include the school code, and the titles of the classes were written in instead of being selected from the list that should contain the proper labels of classes. I apologize for the inconvenience I have caused and hope that you will look at this unofficial transcript (enclosed). It shows the proper titles of the classes that I have taken. Thank you for your time.

Now I spent a long time helping you, so you have to help me! Please go offer some more feedback to other people who need ideas about their essays! :-) Kind regards,

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay "Spending money on sport activities or library" [3]

Yes, it needs about 50 more words.

Here is some help:

...among universities. A question arose in my mind: Should universities spend equal amounts of money for both sports activities and library equipment?

Therefore, the policy-makers for a university should consider allocating a certain amount of money for this purpose.

In addition, expanding the library in all fields requires more money, and this is a fundamental issue in the university. For example, extending the studying rooms in my university's library was a costly project, but it attracted students to study in library instead of dorm.

Graduate / 'I was born in a small town in central Iran' - SOP at Computer Science [8]

I was born in a quite small town in central Iran.

It continued in this way until I reached the high school and faced with the great competition for university admission . For the first time, I scheduled my studies and tried hard to get a remarkable place in this contest and to enter a top university.

(start a new paragraph here)

I entered the Sharif University of ...

Great ending!! In general, I think this has enough history but not enough FUTURE. How about writing more about your plans, your purpose? I only see a little bit of discussion about the purpose of entering this program... plans for the future.

Undergraduate / Selected Major: Communication; Cornell CALS Supplement Essay [4]

I am not surprised to learn that you are a communication major! I have seen some great help you gave people recently.

I don't lean heavily towards math, science, or the liberal arts. Rather, I am like a balanced scale or a symmetrical bell curve, capable of thriving in multiple subjects. ----> good sentence!!

Prior to discovering Cornell's Communication Program, I oscillated frequently between different majors.

It could be a comprimise between, but not a "combination between":
Cornell's Communication program, to me, represents the ideal combination of traditional courses and contemporary fields of study.

Unlike Communication programs at other colleges, Cornell's concentrates on the broad impact of digital communication rather than journalism or broadcast media.

Nice! They will definitely want you as a student.

You should become an EssayForum Contributor, so that you can link people to your profile page and have your great contributions recognized. This is a great activity for the transcript of a comm major.

Thanks for all your great work here!

Speeches / Winter Sonata + Seoul - INTRODUCE OUR REGION [3]

As a beautiful drama, Winter Sonata became a hot issue all over the world.

The last scene of the drama included photography from from the 'Oe island'.----> I don't know if this is correct... I dn't know what you are trying to say, here.

Thought 'Oe island' is an island, it is also the greatest park in Korea.

There are many various colorful plants on the island. Thus, they make us happy.

If you are interested in bringing someone on a date, what about Gwanghwamun Plaza?
It is located in the city. Also, the square has the great historical hero's statue, an artificial pond and fountain for this reason , it is a noted place for kids and foreigners who want to experience traditional Korea.

I hope this helps you improve your Engish! Good luck. It is hard to learn, but you are doing well!

Writing Feedback / Most people consider that success in the academy is one of the biggest preparations for the future [2]

In modern society, most people consider that success in the academy to be one of the best ways to prepare for the future; therefore, some people think ...

...improve their physical and mental health , which help them study effectively.

Furthermore, sometimes attending non-academic classes can lead to a successful career. Take my closed close friend for an example; wh en we were students at high school, my close (closed) friend, Tommy, was not good at science subjects such as math,(and) physics. Thus, he hated them.

In conclusion, I definitely believe that both academic and non-academic subjects should be welcome in schools.

No, this is better! You are right: ...should be offered in all schools.

You do make mistakes, but any reader can understand your meaning. Congratulations for being bilingual! All bilingual people are geniuses, I think.

Undergraduate / Essay on my Research Activity -- Yarsagumba [5]

Lauren, you are a hero.

I spent two weeks recording economical statistics and contemplating the the hardships people face in health services and education due to lack of money. I understood that the risk they take while searching Yarsagumba in steep mountains is worth taking, because it provides the only significant source of income. On the other hand, With the help of bio-technicians, I experimented on various chemical constituents of Yarsagumba and found that this herb could be used for curing heart and lungs diseases.

Great progress here!! Good luck to you. This is an impressive experience.

Writing Feedback / toefl essay "large or small company" [2]

After the first sentence, you should add 2 more sentences to the first paragraph. Add a sentence that lists the three points you are going to make in this essay, and then add a sentence that tells your main idea.

However, that is not part of showing how well you write in English. For improving your mistakes, follow Katurday's excellent advice. Do you have any questions about it?

Let's see another writing sample! :-)

Writing Feedback / Is society's admiration for famous people beneficial or harmful? [2]

The bad news, however, is that people are unknowingly deceiving and harming themselves with admiration for celebrities -- oblivious to the simple truth.

Maybe that is better? You used nevertheless wrong.

You need another sentence to clarify the 2nd paragraph: Real life celebrities, like toys advertised on television, are not "as seen TV."

This is great! Very impressive and thoughtful. I think you should watch Michael Moore's new film called Capitalism and see how that affects your thinking about this subject. Kind regards,

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Does capital punishment deter crime. [2]

...still keep capital punishment in practice.

Excellent discussion. I tend to agree with you. With papers like this, you can always strengthen them by citing good sources:

Dezhbakhsh and Rubin (2003). Does capital punishment have a deterrent effect? New evidence from postmoratorium panel data.

Steiker, C. S. (2005). No, capital punishment is not morally required: Deterrence, deontology, and the death penalty. Stanford Law Review, 58(3), 751+.

Sunstein and Vermeule. (2005). Is capital punishment morally required? Acts, omissions and life-life tradeoffs. Stanford Law Review, 58(3), 703

I like the first sentence of your last paragraph!

Writing Feedback / Learning about the past has no value for those of us living in the present. [4]

I see that Thinh and hatung94 wrote about the same topic, but I want to clarify that hatung94 did not copy the essay written by Thinh. I checked, and they are 2 different essays. Thinh's comment made it sound like hatung94 copied, but I do not think that is what thinh meant.

Here are som of the most important mistakes to correct:

Human Society has a long history of building and developing. That history extends the time man lived ...

Consequently, our knowledge and success today are the results of constant work of our ancestors before.

Additionally, if learning about the past has no value, people in the world should be able to speak and write by themselves without learning from anyone. This is impossible, so the value of the past -- in this case, transmitted by parents -- is undeniable.

Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

Yes, indiscriminate is more like what is being said.

Hey, here is something interesting:
...only prerequisites are self-effacement, spontaneity, and instinct. ----> We so often see lists of three or more items, and there is no comma before the conjunction.

But actually, you are supposed to use one! I learned that from a book by Dianna Hacker.

This expresses the abstract idea quite well... those prerequisites transcend cultural barriers.

Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

Jeanie, your contributions are so nice!

Sorry if I already asked you about it. Perhaps you already know about it. It is nice, because you can link people to the list of responses you have given people, and they can see your talent in written communication (if you are applying for a position that requires good communication skills)

Undergraduate / 'Soccer and smashing my dreams' --- Common app short answer [12]

will achieve nothing without being well-trained in the basics."

His words smashed my dream. I could not imagine practicing endlessly like other mediocre players. At last, I gave up my childhood dream of playing artfully like a trickster, and I just kept running, passing, and shooting. I later realized that my friends still played the way I did before, and I understood: "talent" will not make a master. Without sound basics , any flowery skill is useless.

It's the same in martial arts!

This is profound, very wise!! I am impressed. It is an important insight. This is what it means to approach an activity in a meditative way, with no restlessness or discontent, happy practicing basics in the present moment.

Can you write a sentence about how this will apply to your studies?

Writing Feedback / Are people unwise to pursue love even when they know it will cause them pain? [8]

Well, it depends on the criteria for grading! If you are trying to write in English without errors, you are doing well. There are errors, but we all have errors.

Little improvements can be made:
But this time this sensation taught her that, without love, a person is completely emotionless and that having someone you can trust and share your experiences with means a lot.

It is good to go give other people your ideas about their essays and then link them to this page and ask for their help!

Writing Feedback / An Indian milieu [12]

I think this sentence may need to be changed...could go to an extreme of failing to attend to our own conditions or the conditions of those depending on us.

Maybe a dash here:
So how Indian are we -- and how American, or English?

The two halves of a compound sentence should be separated by a comma:
I am drifting into another world, and I don't wish...

Good question at the end! All of this is based on a notion that is close to my heart: the notion that consciousness could be more fundamental than matter, something I think you and I discussed a few months ago. You and I are kindred spirits, I think.

Westerners assume that matter existed and somehow came to life, so they think experience ends upon death. But consciousness obviously exists, and it could be having a dream. It makes more sense to me.

colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/79867/december-19-2006/deepak-chopra

Why do we need to focus on east west differences, though? Maybe there is a better focus!

Letters / Need help for IOWA MBA Application cover letter [4]

Oh, good point Jeanie, we are lucky to have you here.

This looks very professional, and people appreciate that, but it is only one side of the process. The other side is being brilliant. I suggest reading some powerful writing, such as Gertrude Stein, Thoreau, Martin Luthor King Jr., or some other powerful writing... and give at least one sentence that is artful an eloquent, maybe even intriguing.

Surprise them with an unexpected observation about the school, for example. I look forward to seeing the next draft!

Undergraduate / My Personal Statement for Common App(Image of homeless kids and its impact on me [9]

Yes indeed! And you have a lot to offer, because the writers of essays cannot see their own writing the way you see it. They cannot see it objectively. They need to know our reactions to each paragraph, an that is something you can help with.

Then, link them to your essay and ask them for feedback!

For now, I think you should work with that first paragraph some more. Can you make it so that someone who reads the first paragraph will already understand the central truth of the essay? A powerful last sentence will help a lot.

Undergraduate / "If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you [10]

Ha ha, it is not a joke. Big differences exist from east to west. But in both the east and the west, societies are leaving behind the imbalance that pressured women to be good housewives instead of social leaders.

The old expression was, "Behind every great man is a great woman." In the 21st century, the new expression is: "Great men only can help 50%. We need great women to lead us if the human race it to survive."

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Math, constructing and designing models' - Lafayette Supplement Essay Help [7]

I definitely agree that it is very important to let them see that you have well-formed interests and clear intentions.

You know, interesting content is not the only way to creating a pleasing experience for the reader. You can also use rhythmic and soothing sentences, soothing sounds. That is particularly important in this kind of essays; admissions essays are "all about you," and there is no quicker way to bore people than talking all about yourself. So, here, we have to compensate with a musical approach.

I won numerous provincial and national awards the high school mathematics Olympic competitions, and these stand out in my memory as meaningful experiences of empowerment. I also experienced success in debates and speeches. However, the most fascinating challenge, for me, was the construction and design of models; this is the experience that built the foundation for my future major-engineering.

That is just what I came up with. It says the same things with different rhythm.

Essays / body system and environmental issues [3]

Wow, I'm so happy to be able to help with your first assignment! The way to start is by reading. You should do a search of a database of articles, such as findarticles.com or google scholar, and read what some people have written about uv rays.

Read an article, and then write 5 sentences about it. Do that for 5 articles, and you will have a 4 page paper! Go back to the start, and give it an introduction by writing a paragraph about what it all means. How do you write one intro paragraph about 5 different articles? You have to find a common theme. Good luck!! Tell me what articles you found and where you found them.

:-)

Undergraduate / The committees at my high school encourage students who share a common interest to work together [5]

I think all of this should be cut: The committees and ... world experience. Knowing a few people at Panera Bread convinced me that I wanted to experience what there were experiencing. And I think you should start with this:

The work force at Panera Bread was cheerful and considerate, and I knew I wanted...

I think that would be a great first sentence. All the stuff that comes before it is sort of insubstantial!

I wanted to become more independent by buying miscellaneous items that my parents normally paid for.

Ever since I was young, I have enjoyed mathematic because it was established in my mind as fascinating and pleasurable.

Then, my mother's parents both went to Ohio State University where they met and became engaged.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]

I came into high school thinking I would use the copious diverse programs and classes offered to narrow my academic interests to a single, well-defined category.

After those sentences about AP English, Physics, and Computers, you need one more sentence for the first paragraph. Give it closure with a good thesis sentence that captures the meaning of the essay. that is an important sentence. Do you know what I mean? It is always good to put a thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Lin spotted a lot of good changes to make, too!

Undergraduate / "Always striving for better and greater" - look over my UC application [8]

Day by day, life isn't necessarily boring, but it is definitely not exciting for most of us. Now, let us say that one has just been diagnosed with a life-long illness. The illness is incurable, and it causes you extreme suffering each and every day. The strongest medications barely take the edge off , and you continue to suffer. Everyone expresses their sympathies to you on a daily basis , and all you can do is think of the pain you endure. Your life is now no longer boring. -----> This is an important insight! End the paragraph here.

Start a new paragraph: This is my life and will be...

Perseverance is the theme of my life.

Undergraduate / What is your intended major? Biotech [5]

Seemed like a flower died and underneath the flower, it had transform to the squash.----> This sentence needs a subject.

When the flower seems to have died , underneath the flower, the material had transformed into squash.

Well... this kind of essay is always a little insipid, because when we write about ourselves we have to talk... well... all about ourselves. I think you could add interest by finding artful, clever ways to rewrite the first sentence of each paragraph. Try to write each first sentence with a drumming rhythm.

I believe in this quote; I believe that it will be possible one day to benefit the whole world by finding efficient ways to grow more food.

Essays / Topic Was: Make A Life Song Video [3]

As you continue working on the project, a clever phrase might come to mind. Keep thinking!

No two people lives the same kind of life. Everyone has their own life song, and here is mine. (Now write something about the theme of your song... the meaning for your song. What is the moral of the story of your life?)

Undergraduate / Eastman School of Music Personal Statement [2]

However, it was not until recently that I realized I wanted to make music -- and, more specifically, opera -- my career. ---->That is a good way to use dashes to help manage a difficult sentence.

Excellent. As a musician, you must have other interests besides opera. This makes me wonder if you are interested in any instruments or any other kind of vocal performance... do you have other interests? I wonder if you might take on another specialty at this school, as well, such as recording art. That is not really about your essay, but I wanted to suggest learning about modern technology for recording. I wish I learned that a long time ago!

No comma necessary here: ...Missoula Montana (my hometown) does not receive as much attention and consideration as some big music hubs such as Seattle and New York City.

You write very well! Here is another place a dash can help: I am a hard worker -- dedicated, motivated, and willing to sacrifice to accomplish my goals.

Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essay - My experience and how it adds value to UC (250 Words) [3]

Being among my brothers, I could talk to many of their friends -- students with varying majors -- and ask about their interests, their research and for their best advice. Through discourse, I learned that these students were passionate about something, and with deliberate actions they were able to make significant changes.

That's why I want to participate in DAAP at the University of Cincinnati that has a program like DAAP, so that I can find opportunities to...