Writing Feedback / fun and entertainment; "Playing games is important for both adults and children" [4]

...playing games is important for both the children and the adults. Games prove to be beneficial for the adult and children. Games improves by improving mental skill and physical strength of a person as well as it is best way for while also providing fun and entertainment.

For example, games which includes question and answer make a person think about the particular question before giving answer; thus, the person is made to think logically for the correct answer.

Usually, a child or an adult gets involved themselves in certain games which have physical activities. These include running, laughing, and so on.

In conclusion, I must say that playing games is very important for children and adults for developing their mental skills, physical fitness, and to get interpersonal skills.

Writing Feedback / Why people are producing more and more rubbish? [4]

...most important factors responsible for this problem.
or:
...most important causes taking responsibility for of this problem.

The amount of rubbish households give off is more than ever before, because nowadays people consume much more than they used to in the past. The population is rising, and as a result, the amount of goods needed to meet peoples ' demand is also increasing. Moreover, living standards have been improved; the quantity of products consumed by people has gone up, too.

Great job!! Maybe you should write some more about rubbish produced by industry, too, instead of just individuals.

Undergraduate / My Personal Statement for Common App(Image of homeless kids and its impact on me [9]

Post a few replies to other people's essays and ask them to click your username and visit yours. That is a good way to get multiple perspectives...

:-)

Essays / The advent of the Internet - find some ideas [4]

Your essay should be all about examples. You can refer to the effects it had on business, education, entertainment, and news. This is a vast subject with plenty of room for you to cite excellent sources. The important thing is to make sure the essay has a clearly stated "main idea."

Undergraduate / Essay about entering into FSU's CARE Program [2]

Many financially disadvantaged students from low income families are eligible, but I am distinguished by...

I think it is strange that you mention low income families and then say you are not among them... What are you really trying to say here?

Throughout all of my research, I have been reminded again and again that we meet our lifelong friends in this kind of program as well.

How about that? I hope that helps!!

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

This is powerful! Great job, the work you did paid off.

As marriage supports procreation and society recognizes the significance of each other's spouse, married couples receive several benefits from the government.

Graduate / 'The design industry in Taiwan' - Graduate for Graphic Design [4]

That first sentence could be better if you define design a little more...

Methodical design surrounds...

or...

Artful design surrounds...

Less is more:

Of course, As a youngster, I did not comprehend...

I thought I had already knew much about...

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplement - "Because There Ain't No Mountain High Enough" [7]

...was a welcome change after having lived in Vancouver's downtown lights.

They thanked me for my incessant jokes and conversation, which kept the mood light-hearted.

Bowdoin has me excited about exploring the...

Just a few corrections and ideas... I hope you find great success!!

Undergraduate / 'IMGD program / Testing games' - Short Answer on Common App + WPI [3]

I suggest a semi-colon:
Fantasy has always been an inspiring source of inspiration for my mind; and as a matter of fact, a game is an extraordinary combination of story-telling and puzzle-solving.

...know that I can satisfy my appetite for creative expression in this field about which I am fanantically passionate, and succeed after learning from experts. and, hence, to succeed.

Undergraduate / If today was my last day - Common App Essay [20]

This one is fascinating! Great job...

The "last day" is just a hypothesis hypothetical situation . I assure you that I have no intention to commit suicide, for I believe it is the most idiotic thing to do. Everybody tells us that one only has one life, to live it right, and to giving up your life so soon is not a wise way to proceed. I reckon.

Here is a way to use dashes:
My life is not comparable, because no one could ever have a life that is better, or -- to be precise -- similar to mine in any way. Admissions officer, you have total control over my folder, the option to give me the R, because of your own way of defining a person through just five hundred words (it might be longer in this, sorry), you have little right to tell anyone their personality is a mess, their lives are nothing but boredom and I hope your intuition will tell you about my potential.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Rewards and Productivity [7]

First, in the lecture, the professor stands on the side of asserting that there are many people who don't prefer this form of reward . In their opinion, this way is a camouflaged kind of punishment . The more they are desirably rewarded, the more they have to work harder to deserve this. Therefore, the professor concludes that workers don't expect to get more rewards as people ...

Here, I'll show you how to use a set of two dashes to manage a difficult sentence:
...may not dare to ask his investigator for more information -- even if he is still confused -- because he will be afraid that his supervisor will have negative impression towards him.

Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

Ha ha, enjoy it!!!

Graduate / China study - Brandeis International Business School--Maief [9]

Faith does not necessarily refer to religion... it's okay!

...form an idea of sacrificing instant gratification and working toward for long term goals...

Yes, you are expected to answer the question, so it is good to do so clearly like this.

Zhejiang University offered me an opportunity to experience the world. I valued this chance and achieved high standards, and I hope to make contribution by applying the skills I have learned from experience.

So when I noticed that Brandeis International Business School offers considerable international opportunities, I was sure that I would benefit this school by contributing my uniqueness and my personal power.

Maybe like that?

Writing Feedback / The Influence of Natural Magic to Modern Science - Concise? Sentence Flow? [2]

Well, the first sentence is in rough shape. How about this:
Natural magic had an impact on science, and this impact can be forgotten if we are not careful. It is crucial to form a clear understanding of what natural magic is in order to appreciate its influence.

The broad term of "natural magic" involved earthly subjects such as alchemy, celestial things like astrology, and spiritual forms like angels and demons. To be a successful magician in terms of natural magic was to have a clear understanding of the natural properties of entities, how they would react with one another, and how these forces could be used to produce the desired outcome. Natural magic was the science that gave both natural and rational explanations for the occult forces in the natural world. The purpose was to explain the natural world by means of empiricism, and it was argued that results from experiences were factual because they were laid out by God.

Undergraduate / "What should I do to be a happy employee?" [4]

...you may ask for some advice form your parents and your advisors, but in the end it is your future, and you should follow your intuition . not theirs.

You should feel proud of creating a great piece.

Undergraduate / ESL teacher, Paul Thomas was the funniest person I ever knew ; My best teacher [17]

This is so much better!! Great job.

Undergraduate / "Attainment of knowledge is a gift" - Spelman Essay [2]

Fix this: knowwledge

Spelman is an outstanding , historically Black college dedicated to African-American women who desire to receive a higher quality education. RIGHT HERE, YOU SWITCHED SUBJECTS ABRUPTLY Knowledge develops the intellectual, ethical, and leadership aspects of life. Service and knowledge are closely related for with service comes knowledge. When you gain knowledge, it is imperative that you understand. When you achieve that understanding you have the power to change the world, which applies to Spelman's slogan, "Spelman College-A Choice to Change the World."

It will help if you get that first paragraph to be focused and strong, so that the reader knows exactly what you mean to say. I suggest mentioning Thoreau's quote at the start, and then referring back to it again at the end.

Undergraduate / U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. [12]

Yes, invoke images when you write! And yes, "despite" is good.

Undergraduate / No You Hit Me First (A Tae Kwon Do Story) UC Essay #2 [4]

Use a colon here:
I had an epiphany then: I was a girl , and he didn't feel compelled to fight fair with me. I was furious but I remained calm and my patience surprised him. This would not be the end of it, I would prove to him that I was his equal, regardless of how much time it took me to accomplish such a task.

Nice job! Exciting essay... good descriptions.

Partnered with my mind and body to create a perfect state of nirvana. --> This is not a complete sentence..

Use a dash to show a greater division within the sentence: Call it success, a realization, an achievement -- the labels all differ but the feeling... the feeling is exclusive.

This is an impressive piece of writing, because it conveys an experience.

Undergraduate / It is said that we learn from difficulties. This has been particularly true in my case. [4]

Attending a new high school gave me chance to begin a new life and start to fulfill my potential. During my three years at high school my main commitments and achievements included my roles as: , 1) the leader of the school basketball team 2) the captain of the brass band team 3) the captain of the school aerobic team 4) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performer 5) initiater and organizer of a volunteer organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City , and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, have greatly improved , and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.

Great job!! I am excited for you. Please stick around and give help to other people struggling with English.

Writing Feedback / SHOPPING OBSESSION; Have we become addicted to shopping? [2]

In the beginning, it would be good if you use " " marks around "wants" and "needs."

To conclude, the reasons why the certain numbers of individuals tend to get obsessed with shopping include peer pressure, of making new friends, low self esteem that makes people shop for therapeutic purposes, and efforts to keep up with the trends. Shopping isn't exactly a bad thing but the obsession of it is very bad.

That will fix the last paragraph.

You used quotations by wright very well!!

Undergraduate / 'Chinese and International Studies' Why are you considering The Ohio State University [4]

You will do well if you give examples of the resources, professors, and programs that interest you at the school. I would like to see this essay include some specific examples of what you hope to accomplish in college and beyond.

Book Reports / Essay on Hamlet--Hamlet fakes insanity to mask his actual insanity [2]

Using fewer adjectives will make it clearer. That is the problem... but actually, it is not really a problem. You have a great, succint thesis sentence right here:

Hamlet has a "triple-layered" plan in which he fakes insanity to mask his actual insanity.

Writing Feedback / ( career preparation / job opportunities ) Why people attend college or university? [7]

Hello!

Are you posting to get corrections for your English? Here is some help:

Nowadays , a lot of people without a master degree experience they are behind the job offers when looking for a job and see they have to struggle among master degrees colleges who are applying for the same , especially in now days, difficulty competing for jobs among others during this national recession.

Finally, some people go to college look for a career change. They see they can explore other areas that can give them more satisfaction and better accommodate better to their aspirations.

Among the reasons for people to attend college or university are the following: looking for better opportunities in life, to master his knowledge, and for career change.

Undergraduate / Rutgers Admission Essay-benefit from and contribute to an environment [6]

No, not a mess! Your personality shows, in a way that I think the reader will enjoy.

Undergraduate / University of Texas- Transfer to Comp Sci Statement of Purpose [4]

The answer to that question comes from looking at topic sentences. When people read the essay, they will either understand or not, depending on whether you have good, clear topic sentences to start each paragraph. You do!! Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / Putting my thoughts on paper; UT austin Statement of Purpose [7]

Hi Dimoaya,

All you have to do is choose a category and click "NEW THREAD"

Let us know if you have any trouble!! :-) Thanks for the help you gave here.

Writing Feedback / Are people unwise to pursue love even when they know it will cause them pain? [8]

Change no-living to non-living...

I was taught that all things have Buddha nature, and that loving any creature or even inanimate objects is self-love. So, I agree with you and Tennyson, all except the idea of losing anything. I am pretty sure nothing is lost as we go around and around.

She had lost both of her...

...was lonely until I gave her an umbrella-head cockatoo parrot that she loved very much.

Commas:
After his death, due to a wide spread bird disease, she went over the trauma of the lost of a close friend.

Great job!! You write without many errors!! At the end, you should talk again about how it is better to love, even though pain will come.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Is it important to donate money to protect environment? New Era diseases [6]

Great job Yvonne and Yin Tran. Yin Tran, maybe that is difficult advice to understand. Actually... I think another sentence might be nice in both the intro and conclusion. Thanks, everyone, for posting!!

Writing Feedback / SAT; Competition let people to be successful? [4]

...Indeed It didn't have profound impact on me at that time, but it did compel me to...

to brood over the question of whether success only relates to competitive scores. And Now I have a more comprehensive answer that question: people do not have to be highly competitive and compare scores in order to achieve success.

Don't use contractions in formal writing... don't start that last para with "anyway"

I really like your idea!!

Faq, Help / How to post my essay with a graph? [14]

I see what you mean! Yes, it is good to follow the prompt meticulously! I only mentioned reflecting on the implications as a nice ending for an essay, but that is not the task here. You seem to have it under control!!

:-)

Graduate / Tell us something about yourself - Essay [9]

I think you could write about upbringing & hardships, and you could make passing references to Yoga and painting. That is very efficient. A short essay about hardships, and coping through art and meditation (Yoga).

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

Well, Zen was just an example. I understand what you mean. And yes, those corrections are great. Not necessary, technically, but they make it better in all three cases.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 & 2 (Transfer) - Business major & Chinese-American identity [4]

My mother began to cry, and my father silently bowed his head; and I realized this trip was a special homecoming for all of the family to be together. In a flash, all my insecurities disappeared, and I finally felt that I came home too.

Thanks Faisal, for the great work here.

Angelica, good luck to you!!

Undergraduate / "Grandfather"--UC Personal Statement #2 [4]

As the only child in my family, I have been doted...

No need for comma after "here":
Without any regret, I came here and adapted to the new life easily.

...told me that my grandfather was getting more serious; in other words, my grandfather was dying.

Of course, to go back and see him for the last time would be the responsible thing for grandson to do; however, dropping school for such a long time was not appropriate action for an international student to take. Eventually, my grandfather talked to me and told me not to go back. So, my parents and I followed his idea, and he passed away soon after that.

At the end, you make a very wise observation about gratitude! I think you should also acknowledge, at the end, that the decision you made was the incorrect one, and you should say that you want to achieve great success in college so that the sacrifice your grandfather made by encouraging you to stay in San Francisco will have been a fruitful one.

Sorry for your loss! Press on...

Writing Feedback / Beowulf, the theme of mortality [2]

It looks like you need to do a paragraph break, perhaps just before "In this story"...that will give closure to the intro paragraph -- and definition to the thesis statement.

Okay, it looks like you have a lot of good material here. If you need to get to 1200, look at each citation individually. For each citation, write a paragraph. You already seem to have done that.. but give each para a topic sentence that tells its main idea. At the end of each para, after the citation, give some reflection on the implications, the significance.

If every citation is surrounded by a paragraph of 4 or 5 sentences, you'll have about 100 words per citation!!

Every citation is included to support a particular observation you make (topic sentences)... so... separate this into one solid paragraph per citation! You can have 2 citations in some paragraphs, of course, but generally each citation deserves a para of explanation.

Speeches / impulsive shopper cause and effect [5]

Have you read any cause and effect essays? Google this: sample cause and effect essay

After you read some, decide what the cause is... do you like the thesis statement that Yvvonne said? If so, write that sentence at the end of your first paragraph. At the start of the 1st para, write an interesting "attention grabber" sentence. At the end of the first para, write the thesis statement.

For example: As a result of having an unfulfilling life, some people develop addictions, one of which is shopaholism.

Lets see that first paragraph when you get it written.

Kind regards,

Kevin

Undergraduate / U of Michigan, gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. [9]

I only see one actual correction that was made here! And it was Christina:
the book Tuesdays with Morrie, I questioned if a teacher and a student could be true friends.

I see a few others we can fix!! It must be so hard to learn a new language...

Since I could hardly understand Spanish, the teacher in the library named Sophia (who was more than seventy years old) translated math test sheets into English for me.

Can you say something at the end about Tuesdays with Morrie, and compare Maurie with your teacher?

Also, put these 2 paragraphs together as one:
I found my previous answer to be wrong while attending Buenos Aires English High School in Argentina as a 7th grade student. Since I could hardly understand Spanish, the teacher in the library called Sophia, who was more than seventy years old, translated math test sheets into English for me. In the small room next to the library, she would sit on the wooden chair with the test sheets on the desk and two new papers for translation. I would sit on the crotch of a desk next to the window.

Kind regards!!

Undergraduate / "When you desire something.." - prompt#1 the world ex. family, community or school [2]

Dreams and aspirations are shaped by the world surrounding us, including people's teachings.

How about that? with "including"

I see a run-on sentence that I can fix with a semi-colon:
I grew up in a small city named Arvin; although...

...however, I was raised only by my father, whom I truly cherish. ----> You started the paragraph by taking about people's teachings, so write:

...however, I was raised only by my father , whose teachings I truly cherish.

Mention the word "teachings" again in the last paragraph, and this will be even better!!!

:-)

Book Reports / Picture of Dorian Gray literary essay; Dorian's Internal Suicide [5]

Wilde through the use of metaphor, symbolism and personification exhibits how Dorian's intrinsic death is a result of murdering Basil Hallward, therefore foreshadowing the end of the book.

Now that is a good clear thesis sentence!

Let's make it flow better, though:
Wilde Through the use of metaphor, symbolism and personification, Wilde exhibits ...

You really seem to have the right idea about this kind of writing. Now you are ready to tackle any research paper they throw at you. Even when the subect is not literature, it works the same way: grab the attention, make a claim, and write several paragraphs to support your argument in various ways. That is strong.