Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Reasons to attend university or college; 'higher hierarchy in society' [6]

Great job! Even though you are still working on perfecting your English, you have excellent structure in the way you write. You'll do very well!!

...or college because of the following two main reasons.

Plus This is considered the fastest...

For instance, compared with a normal blue-collar employees, those who have qualifications have higher status and are more respected than the others in the same company.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Parents are the best teachers? Yes, they know their children better [2]

This is not really a mistake, but I'll just make a suggestion: From my point of view, I agree with this statement for the two following reasons.

Because they spend two thirds of their time staying together with their parents, they tend to consider what their parents say as the truth.

There is no doubt that if children have good parents, this will be the luckiest gift that God gave them .

Your English is excellent! I can tell you worked hard to learn verb tense and the right way to structure sentences. Keep reading a lot, because you must have a talent for language!

Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]

You write in a very engaging and expressive way, I like it! You can do great things as a writer, so I think the next step for you might be to start writing with the intention to create a particular experience for the reader. You write about feelings, and that is great, so try to make your sentences have the same feel you want to convey.

This below is awkward:

I think, as a future scientist, my open-mindedness and a liberal worldview will be a great help, since I will always be receptive of new ideas.

I think, As a future scientist, my open-mindedness and a liberal world view ...

So, you already write well, and the next step is to refine the art -- condense what you say into fewer words, and let this be about an experience for the reader.

In the second essay, I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to tell "how this interest relates to the person you are." And then use the rest of the essay to explain what you mean.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Essay Topic of Your Choice "A Friday I Will Never Forget" [2]

One of the things they mentioned was that you can use this opportunity to demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts. So... use some paragraphs! This should not be so much like a story. You should show that you can structure an essay well.

That means you have to take a hard look at this and decide what the main theme is. Write a paragraph about that main theme, and let that paragraph be the intro. Start that intro paragraph with a strange sentence that intrigues and grabs the attention.

Now, after making a killer intro paragraph, you can keep most of this the way it is. I don't mean to sound critical, because you write well. But give them their structure. That means divide this into paragraphs, condense them, and give each paragraph a topic sentence.

At the end, reflect meaningfully, and then add one final thought that can enrich the reader's experience.

That'll impress them. That is the structure. It actually is not very hard, because it is all about a single theme. What's your theme?

Writing Feedback / My struggle with English Usage and Structure and conventions - Mandatory Education [6]

Yes, submit some writing samples (as long as they do not appear anywhere else on the Internet).

I wonder if they mean sentence structure or the structure of the overall composition.

If you really want to improve, read some books by Dianna Hacker, and when you have questions post them here.

I look forward to seeing the ways you violate proper structure and conventions, and we'll try to help! :)

Undergraduate / Making smiles cornelll hotel supplement essay. [3]

What is the first thing that usually comes to mind when someone mentions Orlando, Florida?

...realize the thing I love most: making people laugh and feel happy.

Oh... the end sounds a little too much like a recent commercial -- for Mastercard or something... otherwise it would be good!

The whole thing sounds a little superficial! I'm sorry that sounds so bad, it actually is not that bad to seem superficial. I don't mean that it is bad, but rather... it lacks some depth that you could give it.

If you just talk about vacation and leisure, then it is all about the leisure industry, and leisure is superficial. you are not, and your writing is not, and your choice of major is not, but leisure is superficial. Hotel management can be about bringing the diverse people of the world. Can you focus more on the meaningful aspects of hotel management? Making people happy is indeed meaningful, so elaborate on that and diversity.

Undergraduate / University of Maryland Baltimore County [2]

Use a comma:
A family friend of mine had begun to lose her vision , and she...

When you are trying to write well, avoid statements of the obvious. It's important, because in real life people do not often state the obvious! So, it is unnatural. Do not write, "Eyes are one of the most important senses that anyone can possess."

You should maybe condense this whole thing into three good sentences, and then go on to get deeper in your discussion of opthamology. What do you know about new advances in technology, new surgical procedures, etc.? Show them that you are passionate about this field -- impress them with your educational and career goals. Maybe you are hoping to find a cure for retinitis pigmentosa, or maybe you hope to join some famous researcher at this university.

Writing Feedback / The knowledge from books and knowledge from experience are, in fact, two diffrent stages of learning [3]

Use a spell checker! What is this essay for? It's an interesting topic.

Your structure is very good, because you introduce the main ideas, and then the body paragraphs explain them, and then you sum it up at the end. This is good composition.

You can make it more interesting, though. the first sentence could be much better. Start with an interesting, surprising sentence -- for example, start by saying that reading a book is only one of many ways to gain information about the world.

Can you add some humor, some interesting, UNIQUE ideas that are not so obvious?

Writing Feedback / Food preparation became more convenient than it used to be [3]

When you write human life, you don't need the apostrophe. human's life...
Food became easier to prepare. Does it improved human life?
Nowadays human life has become easier than it used to be decades ago. It's easier to communicate using mobile phones, easier to get an information using the Internet and easier to prepare food. Some people think that these changes improved human life greatly.

A few decades ago men and women had to spend a few hours to prepare dinner for their families .

Good luck!!! Your English is not perfect, but I think you will pass!!

Undergraduate / "Sorting out old stuff"' Activity essay for Early Action [2]

Cool narrative! Great descriptions...

I have to suggest changes, but that doesn't mean this is not good writing.

I think you need to take the whole essay except for the last paragraph and condense it into a half a paragraph. then use the other half of that paragraph to give the main idea -- what the main theme is.

More reflection, and less description.

In the beginning, it is a nice touch to use dialogue, but this is boring dialogue! And "precluding" doesn't mean what you are using it to mean.

Saying goodbye to these...

So... can you condense the description and add more reflection? Make it brilliant!!! Your writing is brilliant... so, now give brilliant reflection on the meaning behind this description.

Undergraduate / COLAGE and Advocacy, and Why Brown?--Common App and Supplement [4]

What was the prompt for this first essay? It is an excellent accomplishment, learning about fund raising, advocacy, and so forth.

For the first sentence:
I have two dads, and I live in a conservative town.

Here is an idea:
I learned not only that one voice can have an impact, but also that I enjoy being that voice.

Of course I have visited other schools since then , but...

Brown is a very serious school, so i think it would be good to condense the talk about Thayer Street and being a Bruin, and EXPAND your discussion of your specific academic aspirations and the way you'll use your Brown education.

Undergraduate / 'experience in Venice' - An experience that has changed your life [7]

Here is a stronger start:
Once each year, the Venetian people...
Using "each" instead of "a" is a good way to add "definition" to that first sentence.

In that first paragraph, you give some great descriptions, but it seems to be about 2 different subjects. One is that holiday, and the other is the beauty of Venice in general. I think it will be good if you take a more formal approach and put an intro paragraph before that initial paragraph of description. Tell the reader you are going to write about an experience in Venice that changed the way you think.

For example, you might want to switch the order of the first 2 paragraphs and make some modifications so that you give a very clear idea of what the essay will be about.

This can be improved also if you tell not just about the beauty and brilliance of the place but about the actual insights it gave you about life. In what way did it change your life? Do you now think differently about your career or academic aspirations? I think it will be good if you use less description and more reflection on how it changed you. HOWEVER, you really wrote very well in giving these descriptions.

Undergraduate / 'My goal is to ignore people's opinions about me' - admissions essay for NJIT [3]

I learned that in New Jersey Institute of Technology, where the student body is...

Hmmm... what is the essay prompt? The first paragraph is not so impressive. I mean, you write well, and that is impressive, but why tell all about feeling like people judge you too much? Why not tell about your strengths instead?

What is the main theme of the essay? You always need to know that by the time you finish writing it.

I think you can make your point about enjoying the diversity at this school in a single sentence, and you can make the point about your parents raising you to be disciplined in the same sentence. Condense a whole paragraph into a sentence or two. That is powerful!

This shouls not be a story of your life, but rather, an artful expression of a single, overarching idea -- what is the main idea? How is it connected to mechanical engineering? That is the question. Find the special truth about your aspirations and how it is connected to this school and that major. I think you should condense the first 2 paragraphs into a few sentences that will go in paragraph 2, and then add a new intro -- one that expresses the main idea of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Where a 4.0 Means Nothing" - UC essay prompt #1 [4]

Wow, it sounds like a great school!!! If you name the school it will help to back up what you say and make the claims not seem so outrageous as Lin mentioned. But obviously, lots of schools participate in humanitarian work... so, the reader understands and is impressed, I think.

In that last paragraph, I think you should add more about your specific interests. Do not just say "at any level," but instead tell what you are driven to achieve.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Test Your Memory Survey (UNC Research essay) [4]

Hey, it is very impressive that you have research methods already in mind for this. I think it is true that you might be able to improve it by discussing the reasons why it holds your interest... but you do discuss the reason why a little already... I really think this essay is quite impressive. They only allow you 250 words, so it has to be quick and to the point.

...committed to providing services...

...contribute to the advent of this disease .

Undergraduate / My father's/family's impact on my life. UF ESSAY feedback [2]

Wow, that story about your father being the first from his village to go to America is fascinating! Good start.

...that would far surpass one available to him there.

Add a hyphen and a comma:
...in an poverty-stricken home,

... and be proud of my origins.

Is there a word limit for this? If so, get rid of some less-necessary sentences to make room for more discussion of specific contributions you might make -- and also the stuff they asked for: student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

The most impressive way to respond to these essays is to tackle their challenge and really respond to the prompt. Refer to "campus citizenship," for example, and talk about a way you will use your insights to contribute. Good luck!!!!!

Graduate / 'The design industry in Taiwan' - Graduate for Graphic Design [4]

While in school, I learned that as a designer my mission is...

Above, I moved a comma to make the sentence better.

hey, your English is excellent, and you really seem to have a profound understanding of the significance of design.

I thought I had already knew much about the design industry when I graduated from _______, but when I encountered the design industry in Taiwan I stumbled upon disappointments.

...translating that into design language, and applying it to the public needs to create...

I think you should get more specific about the ways you can apply design skill to make a difference. What specific differences can you make with it? If you name 3 meaningful efforts you might make to use design to benefit others, I think that would make the essay more powerful -- and it'll be even better if you connect those aspirations to specific resources available at this school to which you are applying. If you do get more specific about efforts you will make, list them in the first paragraph so that those strong examples, those pieces of evidence, will become the basis for the essay.

The intro paragraph is a little weak right now because it lacks specificity, but a few key ideas -- specific ideas -- can fix it.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Visual Communication Postgraduate Dip course [2]

I think you should not begin the essay with a cliche. It is a fitting cliche, but it is still a cliche. Try a variation of it. Can you start by referring to that old expression and then maybe suggest that our in visually-oriented modern society maybe a picture is worth fifteen hundred words? That would be interesting.

I am keen to be able to use the knowledge and skill that I will learn on this course to bring awareness about issues that need addressing such as climate change, social issues, and cultural conflicts .

I am also eager to use Graphic Design to reach out to the public in areas that are important to people, such as music and the arts.

I aspire to learn modern methods while applying the timeless principles observable in classical methods.

Good luck!!!!!!

Graduate / Economics, entrepreneurship skills - SOP for Graduate School [3]

I think you should not include the part about your brother in the first paragraph, because it is distracting at an important time in the essay.

Some people are lucky enough to inherit the entrepreneurship skills from their parents, or just to have an ability to such a called sense of profit, when a child intuitively know how he or she can get some additional to achieve profit, just like my thirteen-years-old brother who earned his first money by selling the origami ninja missile stars to his classmates. However, but I never had that sense of entrepreneurship until I graduated from high school and was admitted to the school of Economics at Eurasian Institute of Market.

After that, finish the first paragraph by telling the reader specifically what this essay is going to be about -- how you gained your sense of entrepreneurship and what you intend to do with it. Use a powerful phrase that you will repeat again in the conclusion. The intro paragraph should be like a seed or core that contains the essence of every paragraph.

For the second paragraph, I suggest this:
If you asked why I chose Economics as program of study in my undergraduate, I would begin talking about my family struggles from these past several years.

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / "school for scholars" - Northwestern Universtity Supplemental Essay [2]

That second sentence needs no comma. Actually, the second sentence is unnecessary altogether, because it says the same thing as the first sentence. Use your sentences economically to pack the essay as full of meaning as possible.

Oh... it is a school for scholars, it is located in IL, it has diversity -- you say lots of different things in that first paragraph. Choose a main idea for the essa and make that the main idea of the first paragraph. THEN, choose some sub-ideas, and make them the main ideas of the body paragraphs. Give the essay some structure... some direction. I think the whole first paragraph is weak... sorry!! It is full of statements of the obvious, and it is scattered.

You have excellent topic sentences already! Great job. Now, can you rewrite the intro so that it tells the reader that you are going to talk about non-academic curriculum, top-rated academics, and the advising system? That would make for a good intro.

The other thing that would make this better would be to write a lot about your SPECIFIC interests -- the resources you will use, the professors you cannot wait to meet. Show them how clearly you envision your future.

Undergraduate / Supplement for LMU: "The Journey to be Oneself" [2]

Hey now, being a guitarist and performing in front of crowds is something you can definitely do -- it just might now pay well! But don't stop practicing!!

Okay, this has lots of good material, and you write very well. The thing to do, though, is refer to that quote and refer to Fr. Lawton. Make this an essay about what he said, because that is what they assigned you to do. All of what you wrote is good, but your topic sentences and conclusions of paragraphs should include some reference to or interpretation of his quote.

In the end, you might try to answer the question of what it mans to "discover oneself." In this essay, and in all your college work, really engage the questions asked of you -- directly, powerfully, clearly. Your experiences described here are great, but try to cut out unnecessary sentences to make room for you to engage the question more directly.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan - Nursing essay [2]

Nursing is associated with a philosophy of nurturing, but it is also very scientific. Nursing blends humanity with the science of medicine.

They want you to describe your understanding of the role of nursing. Much has been written about its dynamic role. I wonder if you could spend some time reflecting on that as you reflect on your volunteer experience.

They want you to tell why you are a good fit, but all you said was that you have experience with it. Do you have aptitudes and interests that are aligned with it, too?

You wrote very well in that first paragraph, but maybe it needs to be shortened to make room for more answers to their questions!

I think that maybe you should start a new paragraph with the sentence that begins, "Week after week..."

Good luck!! Nursing is a great choice.

Undergraduate / Commonapp essay--topic of my own choice:my sense of value [2]

...resonant I found her speech to be , but...

...and I was about to fall asleep when my English teacher patted me on the shoulder and whispered: "You could have overthrown every contestant present if...

This is great, I really like the personality that shines forth through your writing. You seem like a prson with some excellent wisdom. I like this essay as a piece of good writing, but because you are using it for college admission I think it should be more organized.

Can you think of what the main theme is for this essay? It seems to be a theme of not giving up life's pleasures just to be a top academic achiever. What is it that you value -- life's moments of beauty? Maybe you can start by saying that in the first paragraph and then talk about it at the end. At the end, talk about classes and resources in college that will help you to be in a position to communicate this value to others.

Right now the essay seems to be able many things, but you can use the first and last paragraphs to give a sense that it is all about this value... appreciation of life.

Undergraduate / "Biomedical Science in Texas A&M University" - Need help revising the paper [2]

You start off with a long awkward sentence. Sometimes it is good to start with a shorter sentence so that you don't strain the reader's attention to much at the start:

Because I came from Korea , a country where opportunities are very competitive and limited. As a result, I grew up in a family that...

The first opportunity of my life happened when I was ten years old. My family, excluding my father, decided to immigrate to a completely mysterious country: United States.

...Because my father stayed behind in Korea, I was a child with many responsibilities of an adult.

...went to the golf course every day and...

However, while working I started to...

Your insights and accomplishments are impressive. I think this will get good results! Good luck in college.

Undergraduate / Umich school of music supplement [2]

Wow, brilliant. Your music seems to be able to reach people through your writing, too.

Here is an idea, not sure if it is a good idea or not:
...will reach someone, anyone. that is listening.

Here is one more idea:

To the grandmother in the first row all the way to the man on the far left, Music is enough to ease their troubles and to help people to remember themselves ; something about music...

Undergraduate / Still I Rise: An Autobiography 217 - UPenn Optional Essay [8]

I think you could do something more effective with the last few sentences. Actually, reflecting on your changed feelings about your father could present you in the most positive light if you explain that your feelings changed from negative to positive when you were still very young, because you learned at a young age how to see things from the perspectives of others.

That is just an idea that came to mind. And I think the last sentence could be better, more useful. I also think it will be better if you find a way to let this reflect your meaningful career a little more -- the career that has its roots in your education at upenn.

You are an excellent, excellent writer!!!!! Seriously...

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Student Exchange Presonal Statement Essay, How to make it well? [6]

Since I was a child, people have always known...

Here is an idea I had:
I always elected as a class leader when I was at Elementary School and Junior High School, and those are accomplishments in which I take great pride.

... required twenty-five kilometers of travel to get there. The trip always began early in the morning, unless I got late because every school in Indonesia always starts at 7 in the morning. I did it happily as I wanted to make my parents proud of me.

The new environment and new rivals make me struggle more to get good grades. Although I got stuck at the first grade, finally I was able to win first place ...

Your investment in me will not only beneficial for me but also for human beings all over the world.

I hope they give you the scholarship!!!

Undergraduate / USC (Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence) [2]

This is well-written! Great job. Like all writing, it can be improved if you revise for conciseness. You can take out unnecessary words and sentences. Challenge yourself to take one weak sentence out of each of these three paragraphs.

...be another player I would have to share...

Use a comma here:
We ultimately won the second set, and a third deciding set would be...

Congratulations! Great story, great way to respond to the prompt. As you work with it some more, you might want to focus more on the ways in which the things you did required persistence.

Undergraduate / A second chance to so something differently - personal statement [7]

All I did was exert myself to be...

This sentence is confusing: Nobody ever knows the story of my life. Maybe not necessary...

...but I simply agreed because I wanted the best education in the world for my brother and myself.

I never gave him a chance or believed that he could change, and I was embarrassed to be...

What a great story! This really shows your maturity. It takes personal strength to admit you were wrong about someone. When I grew up, I also forgave my father for his drinking and gambling and absence, because I realized that life is hard and that we all need to try to be happy! But I had not known that as a kid.

With this essay, I think it is not too personal at all. I think personal is what they are looking for. Now just look at each paragraph individually and see what you can do to SAY AS MUCH with FEWER WORDS so you can cut it down to the correct size. In writing it is often possible to say as much in fewer words, and that makes it more powerful.

Good luck!!! I'm glad you had such a powerful start in life, powerful insights...

Undergraduate / "My real estate bubble" - Stanford essay #1 & "Why I want to go to Stanford" [5]

I think it detracts from your point when you say former friend. Maybe just say "with a friend of mine..."
...a former friend of mine.

It will be good if you use paragraphs to separate your ideas. You should have one paragraph about the ideal of being prosperous and exceptional, and then another paragraph to tell about the business exploit you undertook with your friend and your fathers.

The beginning of the 2nd essay seems a little pompous, and the beginning of the 3rd essay seems a little too general. However, you certainly write well! Maybe you can give more definition instead of just referring to "determination."

In the third essay, you can apply that principle, "Show, don't tell." That is, instead of just telling us that it is the beacon of your oasis, you can talk about specific professors with whom you'd like to study. Also, I don't understand what you mean in the sentence that starts, "It is not just for my family..."

These have lots of potential. You present yourself as that driven kind of personality -- someone who is focused on wealth and ready to do very well for yourself.

Undergraduate / Common app/UNC-CH essay [3]

This is excellent! I should be asking you for writing advice, rather than vise versa. One way you can strengthen this, if you would like to work with it some more, is to make a connection near the end between this interest and your intended major. Nothing is more impressive than a student who has a clear vision for the future. What kind of work would you like to do as an adult -- if you had to choose right now? Also, are there good resources at any of the schools to which you are applying, resources that would be excellent for your particular kind of fascination with biology? If so, maybe you should mention them. However, don't mess with this too much! It seems inspired; don't mess with perfection. :)

Writing Feedback / Rice contribution essay - 'my experience and ability to seek solutions' [2]

Here is the good way to use a colon:

...lived in three different countries: China, New Zealand and the United States.

That'll be better.

The first paragraph is great!

Number agreement: kids who spend their childhoods

Use a comma:
My family life was hard, but it...

I like what you said about hardship motivating us to seek solutions!!

The essay is not too long! It is around 2 pages, and they want 2-3.
You can make it better by adding a few sentences here and there to establish that you deeply understand a SPECIFIC KIND of hard work. "Hard work" seems general... how can you give it more definition? Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / Inspiration from musings over David Lynch. My columbia Short Answer Essay [6]

While I personally took no part in this conversation, it thrilled me.

In your first sentence, it might be a good idea to tell about your interests and opinions instead of just referring to them. Perhaps you are interested in a college where you can discuss theatre and concepts related to it...

In order to cut it down to size, you could actually cut out all of this: In my search for ... perfect place for this goal.

If you start with, "My initial experience with..." I think it will be great!!!!

Undergraduate / "What should I do to be a happy employee?" [4]

Many students, before graduating from college, they start asking themselves this question. In my opinion this is totally wrong timing , because they should ask their self this question before they even start in their college. What I mean by that is they should study the subjects that they like and feel comfortable with and not to study what their parents want them to do. This is the most important factor in making them happy employees.

That is an important thought! I think you are right that students should try to determine what will make them happy before choosing a major.

Oh, I see that you are writing "measure" when you really want to write "major." The correct word is "major."

The reader can tell that you are bilingual; it is impressive that you can write i a second language. You need to keep working on verb tense, and a few other things. For example:

So you have to be careful when you choose your major, because it will...

Good luck!!

Graduate / Univ. of Miami -- Communication PhD Essay [3]

Very interesting!!

As a hobby, I had read a lot about body...

This is so impressive; you write very well. You can tighten it up by eliminating details that do not forward your purpose -- giving the reader a powerful experience of intrigue. For example, "scratching" is not necessary here:

...rubbing his eye and looking away, scratching/ touching the back...

Less is more.

It is excellent that you name specific names and aspirations. I suggest you read Grinder and Bandler's work about Milton Erickson.
Good luck!!!!!

Graduate / 'Finite element method and Material science' Engineering statement of purpose [7]

But I was particularly fascinated by (insert adjective here) topics such as Finite Element Method and Engineering Materials. etc.

Your English seems excellent!

I wonder if you could write more specifically about what you discovered in your research. Who are some of the "heroes," the engineers whose work has influenced you the most? It might be nice to mention some ways you will apply your education as a professional. Can you make connections between when you are learning and current events in the world?

Undergraduate / Common App: Elaborate on an Activity (Human RIghts Club) [2]

You can omit the first sentence, and the reader will still understand. Oh no, that is wrong, you should keep it. Can you make it more interesting, though? Make it grab the attention.

...and read about burning villages. I had finalized the t-shirt orders and printed out the petitions.

No need for comma here, and no need to capitalize t-shirt:
I excitedly told her about our t-shirt sales and the...

Most students kept eating lunch, but one girl came up and asked, "What's this?"

Nice! You supported an important cause.

Writing Feedback / How to give a presentation with ease and confidence? [3]

...talk confidently about a subject matter if we understand it thoroughly. about it.

Secondly, we should rehearse to practice as many times as possible.

This is great!! Your intelligence shows very much, even though you may struggle with English. I suggest you always give all your intelligent ideas even when you are afraid you might not be able to explan them perfectly in English. Can you add some ideas to this essay that are more profound? It is obvious that we need to know the subject, rehearse, and get enough sleep... but what about ideas that are more profound?

For example, you can mention Herbert Benson's book The Relaxation Response, or you can talk about using self-hypnosis! That would make the essay even more interesting.

You can also talk about the principles of rhetoric -- logos, ethos, and pathos. Those are good to learn about...

:)

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Career goals: Include a brief statement of your plans for the field of study [7]

... marked the beginning of my fascination with engineering.

That is just an idea.

Maybe you should cut out some unnecessary phrases, like this:

It seemed that I had begun to love everything in the factory since I was praised for the assembly... I think it is better without that first part of the long sentence -- clearer.

In your numbered list, you don't need At the beginning, Then, In addition,

I love how you explained at the end that you want to bring your knowledge from your education back to help your family's business!! Please write another sentence or two about that aspiration somewhere in the essay! Excellent.

Graduate / 'my technical, intellectual and creative skills' - SOP for in Petroleum engineering [4]

No need for " marks at the beginning.

Make long, awkward sentences more manageable by using dashes:

An hour long informal interaction on the challenging nature of work in the petroleum industry with Mr. Dinesh K. Deshpande -- the Chief Executive of Hindustan Petroleum Corporation Limited-Mumbai refinery, at Indian Institute of Technology Bombay -- left me fascinated...

I like how you start paragraph two!!

I have been skilled in academics since my...

Now,when I look at what you wrote in the last para about being a winner, it makes me think, "Why not write a little about that theme at the end of the first paragraph?" That way, the whole essay will be tied together nicely around that theme when it is finished. What do you think of the idea of making "being a winner" your theme?

You really do a great job of showing your intelligence here.