Undergraduate / An essay about an experience (moving) [2]

How about a different order of words:

Slowly and resentfully, I w alked down the stairs and once at the bottom turned around to admire the building...

You can always make essays more powerful by cutting out words. From the reader's perspective, fewer words are better. Even little cuts help:
A Part of me felt excited for tomorrow and...

Use a colon to let them know "more is to come" like this:
leaving one of the most important people in my life: my father.

Little ways to say more with less:
Those years shaped me into what I am now, and for that I am a better person and a better UF candidate.
Sometimes it's hard to eliminate part of what you wrote -- Stephen King calls it "killing your darlings" -- but it is all part of the art -- a sculptor chipping away to reveal the beauty under all the extra stuff.

Undergraduate / Brown's PLME essays -- neurology and science [3]

How about using dashes here:

I believe that nothing is as important -- not wealth, power, or class -- as contributing to a healthy society.

Just my idea...

You show that you have the intelligence to succeed in med school by using complex sentence structure! I like it.

...why do we not have more cures and methods of prevention ?

And in the future, I can combine these two, to find better treatment for patients through music therapy. and to ultimately try to cure these diseases.

I love all of my high school classes and have taken Advanced Placement courses in every subject.

You are such an impressive student! I recommend not using contractions, but instead writing out the two words (i.e. "it is" instead of it's)

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / 'the hukou policy in China' - Common App- Experience that has changed your life [3]

...cut out in unison; hearing the muffled clamor of overhead compartments unclasping and seatbelts unbuckling, I groggily stumbled into the aisle and reached up to retrieve my own suitcase. I was hit by a sudden feeling of vertigo.

...and teach at schools for migrant children.

From my students, I've learned that we should really make the most of what we own; since then, I have spent every day been a day where I am pushing myself into my future through the kind of...

This is excellent. I don't know if it is too long, every school is different. If you cut out all unnecessary words and phrases, though, it'll get stronger and stronger. You write very well, I like it!

Undergraduate / Personal essay - Bucknell university. The red ribbon. [2]

...stomach soon followed it; therefore I ran towards the rest room. I came out and looked at my watch -- ten minutes left.

...senior myself felt good. I looked at my watch -- five minutes left. I took off my spectacles, cleaned them, and made it sure they were secured to my head unable to fall off during the race.

From a distance , it seemed like...

Nice! I'm glad you won. Good luck in school!!

Undergraduate / "Another sleepless night." - I became a hamlet! [4]

I have had such nights for a whole week.

Usually it is written like this, I think:
On May 12th, the catastrophic earthquake in Wen Chuan occurred. On May 13th, I convened the...
But maybe I am wrong. I know dates are written differently in different parts of the world. I like your way better.

"...but your proposal equals giving up the company. You started this company, and you have been our leader, but does that give you the right to do this?"

I had been practicing again and again the speech for the board but still felt extremely nervous, more nervous than...

...more nervous than when I delivered the speech to six hundred members of the first meeting as the president of my super-big Student Union Association, more nervous than when I knocked on the door of the office of the...

Don't say "knocked up," because that is a slang way to say "make pregnant."

For a long time, I did not even want to mention it. But a year later, when I finally felt strong enough to introspect, I found that I had gained more than I lost.

WOW, I think you are a genius. This is an excellent essay, and the story is inspirational. I can't wait to see what excellent contributions you will make in the world.

Undergraduate / 'significance of my garden' - the world you come from (family, community, or school) [3]

I'll add a comma here:
As a boy, I watched my grandfather plant each seed, water each plant, and with time observe his vegetables grow.

Oh, wow! I love the thing you did at the end, tying it back to the beginning! Cool, maybe I should be asking you for writing advice instead of you asking us for advice.

Use hyphens whenever you stick two words together: dirt-stained hands

Use a semi-colon when two sentences sort of go together: Although finally eaten, my grandfathers beans are not created for consumption; they are grown for the lesson they teach.

the world that gave me a chance to sprout and grow .

This is great stuff! Much respect to you...

Undergraduate / 'the best educational setting' - Emory University Supplement [5]

Okay, the first paragraph does not really say anything -- just generalities. BUT the second paragraph starts off very strong. I suggest chopping that first paragraph and starting with the sentence that names the three points you are going to make: core curriculum helping you to choose a career path, dedicated professors, and diversity.

I suggest describing the professors in a more specific way. Name a few of them and their interests, accomplishments, etc., which make them ideal teachers with whom you can relate.

About the diversity, don't sound like a brochure. Do your career interests involve overcoming cultural barriers? If so, explain those specifics.

This kind of essay is easy to write -- powerfully -- if you really have a list of things about this school that excite you as a scholar. Without that list, you find yourself talking in generalities.

I hope that helps!!!

Poetry / A Sonnet I Wrote For my Shakespeare class [8]

I think it will be better if you write this "to you." For example,

I have been under your thumb...

Pinning me down with all your mustered might.

Also, it's important to have Sonnet 19 available for reference right on the same page as this. I assume that is what you will do...

It is great! You write well, and I like how you rhymed "call her" with "dollar." :) The poem is really excellent.

Undergraduate / To China and Back - UC Prompt 1 [2]

This is very impressive. It wins me over, in the sense that I get a feeling you are intelligent and sensible -- able to express yourself gracefully and clearly.

I think the way to make it better would be to go into more detail about how the influence of this upbringing has informed your decisions about college and career. It will be great if you can incorporate some SPECIFIC college aspirations into the conclusion paragraph -- especially if they show why this school is the best choice for you.

Undergraduate / 'Because we can' - Activity Short Answer [8]

I truly realized the power of the freely expressed voice of a community. (Before you make an assertion like this, tell about a difference you made, a success story. It only has to be one sentence.)

The sky was the limit, with ideas often becoming reality. AWESOME SENTENCE!

Use a comma here
Thus, our motto:

You write very well! The way you varied sentence length and type in this shows a real knack for the craft of writing...

Undergraduate / Diversity essay.(Thoughts emerged from Peking Opera Make-ups.) [5]

Though within similar shape and outline, e Every one's facial texture is unique -- reflecting personality, life experience, and living environment -- and that is why Peking Opera make-up expresses rich emotion on the behalf of character by through the use of various bright colors and patterns.

When I was asked to take charge of the Peking Opera Make-ups display during the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, city voluntary work I was taken aback. distracted for a second. It was a challenge I had never considered .

While living in Europe for several years, I collected...

Very good! The reader is able to notice that you are bilingual, that you learned English as a second language, and that is impressive.

Essays / A 10-page essay on foster care contributes to youth delinquency [3]

I'm so glad to be able to help during this important time in your academic process. Here is a suggestion that should help:

Do not make your life difficult by committing to certain sections like this. If your prof requires an outline, provide one like this, but that does not mean you have to stick to it. It's your paper, and outlines are malleable.

SO... use an online database to find an article relevant to the issue, and write a little paragraph about what the author said. Repeat that process until you have about 10-20 paragraphs. Then, REARRANGE the paragraphs to go in a good, logical sequence.

See... the paper sort of designs itself based on what articles you happen to read! This keeps it easy for you, because all you are ever working on is a single paragraph.

At the end, go back and add intro and conclusion. In your intro, you'll give the moral of the story, the main idea -- and this idea will be based on what you learned in your research. So start reading and writing! And enjoy it.

Writing Feedback / "Pontius Pilate Indeed" [3]

...rests on his shoulders .

Great job! Your citations are good, you obviously understand the story... it's all good except for a lack of thesis statement. A thesis "argument."

Let this essay stand for something. All it takes, since you have such a cool title is to say something meaningful about the Pontius Pilate reference in THE LAST SENTENCE OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH.

Then, restate that thesis argument in the conclusion paragraph -- which is also missing from your essay! :) Give readers introductions and conclusions. That is what good composition calls for.

And you obviously write well, so it is great for you to apply this principle now and in the future. Let your thesis argument make the paper unique, let is express your personality.

For example, you might want to argue that he was NOT like Pontius Pilate, and let your essay explain important differences. But anyway, adding a thesis is what transforms your essay into a really meaningful piece of writing.

Undergraduate / 'Dream is short - waking is long' - Stanford intellectual vitality- dreaming [2]

Intense dedication enabled me to master the lucid state...

HEY, this is fascinating.

But by waiting I don't mean to be inactive, (semi-colon here, not a colon) my practice of lucid dreaming will never cease, (comma to separate 2 halves of a compound sentence) and I will continue to use my knowledge on the subject will continue to spread awareness and promote this unique and engaging mind activity.

How about explaining at the end how you'll promote it. Is there a connection to your college aspirations?

Thanks for sharing this, maybe I'll finally start a dream journal...

Graduate / 'A better physician / Communication in research' for Northwestern Medical school [2]

Sure, I will not tell you that it was easy because it most definitely was not. This sentence is not necessary; you'll show them that with your description.

I helped, encouraged and watched as my friends went on to...

In the beginning, after you assert that you are distinguished by perseverance, you should immediately give a powerful example of a success against the odds -- one that required resilience. Then, later on, show how this perseerence is necessary for someone in med school.

...a path in my life I never believed would occur.

Use one paragraph for research, another for social activities, and another for the mental changes research brought.

At the start of essay #2, introduce research as the topic and then tell the reader that it affected you academically, personally, socially, and mentally -- so that the rest of the essay will be an explanation for what you introduced. Then, give it a conclusion at the end -- a conclusion in which you reflect on research you hae done and... make a connection to your current academic aspirations...

Good luck!

Graduate / 'Do not lean on your own past successes' - LSE application (business, economics) [8]

A little trimming will help. Cut out unnecessary words and phrases. That is the way to write powerfully:

...a family that is internationally oriented, and intellectually and culturally diverse.

My parents were originally from Turkey, but I was born and grew up in Berlin. the capital of Germany.

I successfully graduated from...

My revived interest in academic study is fueled by my recollection of the enriching experience I had had as an undergraduate

I have an opportunity here to, in effect, improve not only my education and also myself as an individual.

In the future, I intend to become a successful financial analyst either at...

You have some specific goals, and that is powerful. Those specific goals show your seriousness, and they answer the prompt question for this essay. I think you should cut out what is unnecessary and focus on the answer to their question. Answer their question in the first paragraph, and then let the essay explain it. I think this needs a rewrite, and make it less wordy. Good luck!! Let's see the next draft! :)

Undergraduate / Gain from Diversity at UMD Essay - UMD [3]

...at the age of four has taught me the importance of... instead of saying "diversity" here, consider saying something that carries more meaning. Did it show you specific hardships faced by immigrants? A new way of understanding human nature?

The second and third paragraphs are good! I think you should elaborate on what you hope to accomplish as a diplomat.

Add one more paragraph to explain why this school is exactly where you need to be. Write about its resources, professors, etc. All of what you write will need to be related to diversity, of course. I hope you can capture the way that diverse viewpoints foster creativity and enrich a community...

Undergraduate / "Chinese Proficiency Competition" - Essay about a valuable experience [3]

"Oh, well, we love it, and it..."
I added a comma above...

Well, I would not call it "crude," because you write very clearly in a refreshing, straightforward way.

However, this does not seem to have been written at a time when you were feeling inspired. Your first sentence probably should not be one that explains the event; instead, the first sentence of the essay should express an interesting, creative idea.

What creative idea should you express? To find out, read your essay over again while keeping your career interests in mind. See what unique and interesting insight arises for you.

Don't capitalize "world" here: The World should be a place where... actually, that sentence is a statement of the obvious. It might not be good to say "The world should be a place where people live harmoniously"; instead, it would be good to give a deeper insight that you have had about it.

It is necessary to muster inspiration. Ah, I see that you did start to become inspired at the end. See, it takes a while to let the inspiration well up in you. Now read the essay over again and write a new first paragraph -- one that talks about concepts and interesting ideas about diversity. You might want to read some inspirational literature before you begin, like this: beginningwithi.com/oped/culture.htm

(hegemony refers to a group that is dominant and uses is dominance to keep the advantage).

Then, tell the story about your experience as a way of illustrating that thoughtful idea from the introduction. At the end, reflect on the original thoughtful idea about diversity, and maybe make a connection between it and your aspirations for college.

Graduate / 'theoretical and experiential learning' - essay about Accomplishment-MBA program [3]

I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss your...

Hmmm... I don't know if I like the first sentence. It is a little too much like a commercial. Consider chopping off that first sentence and trying a different approach.

For example, how about a humble approach. You can express gratitude for this opportunity to present yourself in a positive light.

Consider saying "children" instead of "kids."

This is really excellent! It gets very impressive in the middle... I especially like your term: solution architect. I think you should distinguish it by hyphenating it: solution-architect.

Tell admirable reasons why you want to run an investment firm, your life's larger purpose.
Make a connection between that purpose and some characteristics of this school to which you're applying -- write a little more at the end about why this school is the best school for you.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the influence of Parents on Kids [2]

This is great, very engaging. I couldn't stop reading because of the emotion it conveyed.

You should go back and get rid of all the unnecessary capital letters. Only capitalize names and the first words of sentences!

Also, the best thing to do is add a conclusion paragraph to tell "what it all means." Can you draw some conclusions about this? The moral of the story?

This is not yet an essay about the influence of parents on kids. It is a story. It is a good one, though! Make it a meaningful essay by adding a good, thoughtful conclusion paragraph.

Good luck!!! Let's see the improved version! :)

Writing Feedback / Romanticism - British literature essay. i need a good proofread. [3]

There were also a Protestant...

is also like an age of...

You write very well, but this needs some organization. Part of good composition is leading the reader's attention and making it easy to understand where you are taking him/her. I think you should look at this in your word processing program, and hit "ENTER" to make a new paragraph every time you see that you are introducing a new idea.

When you have a set of paragraphs, add a sentence to the beginning of each -- a sentence that will be the topic sentence to tell what the paragraph will be about.

then, go to the END of the first paragraph and write a very clear sentence telling what the paper is going to be about: This paper is intended to explain the works of... and show how they reflected the nature of Romanticism.

Then, write a conclusion paragraph that is thoughtful, a paragraph that says, "So, this is what we said in this essay and it all is interesting because..."

You have lots of good information, but please try this technique I outlined for you and see how crisp, how clear it can be with paragraphs introduced by topic sentences and a clear MAIN IDEA that is explained in both the first and last paragraph.

:))

Undergraduate / Common App essay, information systems specific. Custom prompt "IT" [2]

Here are some corrections regarding comma use:

No comma necessary in this sentence: I found a Macintosh application that allows PHP and mySQL and discovered.

Use 2 commas to separate the dependent clause: I quickly discovered, though, that there might have been...

That stuff is no big deal, though. I like the way you used repitition in the first sentences of the first few paragraphs... "At the age of ten..."

Consider putting two paragraphs together as one as you explain the epiphany: During the last few weeks... what I wanted and what I did... realized a new problem. ALL THAT WOULD BE GOOD AS a single paragraph.

I believe that in order to experience any development as a person one must face the situation you are given and find a solution.

This needs an intro paragraph to explain what it is about. Actually, your last paragraph would make a great intro if you add one more sentence to it -- a sentence that tells the reader plainly what the story is about that you are going to tell.

Also, it would be good to make connections to what you want to do for your college major and for your career. Perhaps you could write a new conclusion para that will make those connections.

Hey, I was diagnosed with Chronic Tic Syndrome as a kid, too, and I still twitch, but not as bad. I notice that my twitciness gives me insight into how focused my state of mind is. Meditation practice helped me to control it and understand it. Sometimes you can breathe through that wied itch that can only be scratched by twitching, breathe through it and smooth everything out. It is weirdly similar to OCD and other compulsive behaviors... I think of it as a blessing, now, because it has taught me a lot about myself. And when other people notice it, it is easy to laugh about it with them. It makes other people feel secure when they see that you have a weird tic, because they know that you won't judge them for their weird quirks..

Good luck!!! You might hae to scratch out some of this... prioritize, and cut it down to size. Write an intro paragraph that establishes the main idea and makes a connection to your college aspirations... and then keep every paragraph focused on that main idea.

Graduate / 'Data mining, databases, computer science' -SOP for MS in CS Admission [2]

In your long-term objective, I think you should get more specific. What kind of industries would you like to work in? What specific aspects of programming interest you. Give some detail, and let us get to know YOU.

Oh, I see that you give god details in the following sections. I still think you should let a bit more of your personality shine forth in that first section. Say something interesting and memorable at the start.

Also:

I have had considerable experience in the field...

In the section about your interests, I want to know WHY you are interested in those things. Let the reader get excited about your unique perspective and ideas.

The conclusion is weak, because it is so general and not interesting. Even though you have struggled with a language barrier, you can still be the most interesting applicant! Use that conclusion to make a meaningful, memorable observation about computer science and software engineering.

Good luck!!!!!!

Essays / Term paper on cross-cultural communication [4]

Hi, this is a great subject. Topics associated with cross-cultural communication include various contexts or settings -- for example, cross-cultural communication in the classroom, in international business, in politics, etc.

Are you interested in education? If so, you can write about how cultural differences create misunderstanding in the classroom. For example, the curriculum might have a "cultural bias."

You can also make a topic of choosing particular cultures -- for example, Latino culture and American culture.

Choose a topic related to your interests. What would you like to do professionally as an adult?

Undergraduate / "educational interests and goals" - U of Minnesota essay [3]

I really understand what you mean about having trouble writing about so many different things, but actually it is all ONE thing. Your interests, special interests, plans for study, plans for the future -- all of these are aspects of ONE thing, ad that one thing is your personal philosophy of life. THEREFORE, you should give your essay one powerful theme, and it should be your passion, your motivation. Try to express your philosophy of life in the first paragraph, and pretend you only get to write that single paragraph to express yourself. Then, use the rest of the essay to cover the many aspects of it.

So, in your first paragraph, I think you should add one more sentence to the end. Make it a sentence that tells what is most important to you -- is it finance, educating children, or psychology? Perhaps you want to study finance and psychology because you believe that is the best way you can work to improve opportunities for children.

Can you identify one, single most important theme and name it in a sentence that you add to the end of that first paragraph? Then, mention it again in the last paragraph, and really spend some time explaining your SPECIFIC plan for the future.

:)) This has lots of potential, and I like the way you think!!

The most shocking one was how her once strong-mind father became so emotional and delicate that almost cried...

Graduate / 'My first modern dance' - evaluating on significant experience personal essay [4]

It was as if I had been resuscitated.

Excellent beginning!!

I wonder... I don't think curiosity makes your heart pound, but there are words in English that mean both "curiosity" and "excitement" together. You write beautifully already, even with your limited English. How about this:

Intrigued by the performance, I felt my heart pounding with excitement...

The hall was dimmed, and so was my narrow attitude to stage.

This is how to use commas in a sentence with a "dependent clause" (an extra clause): A choreographer, Mark Morris, said there was no... See... you separate the "extra" part of the sentence with commas.

I am excited about how well you write in English. Even your writing is like a dance!

Undergraduate / uc essay #1 describing world i came from [3]

I think you should get rid of the first 3 sentences and start with this: I like to stay alone in my room, because my room brings me a spiritual rest.

The sentences before that one are weak, not very interesting.

My parents decided to come to U.S., because this country would provide better and nicer future for...

Since I came here, I started to become interested in about this country's history and...

As I dream about being a professor, I always think about the fact that I have to teach...

I think it will be better if you talk about wanting to be a college professor in the first paragraph, and then in every other paragraph you can talk about how various parts of your world strengthened your resolve to become a professor. Then, at the end, tell a little about why this school is the prfect school to help you become a professor. The way to make the essay powerful is to focus it on one main theme, which is your desire to be a college professor -- so let every paragraph be about how your desire to be a professor was strengthened by your experiences.

Undergraduate / Essay :Choose one of your community, employment, or extracurricular, experiences [3]

My volunteer experience also enabled me to gain...

You write very well, very clearly, and it flows along. I wonder if you could make some parts more powerful by saying the same things with fewer words.

As I saw these operations, I was struck by the composure, intelligence, and...

Although I know that my understanding of the medical field is far from complete, I would like to pursue the medical field because it emphasizes... Maybe add one more sentence to this last paragraph...

In the second essay, I think it would be better if you got rid of the whole first paragraph. I think it will create a more poignant experience for the reader if it starts with that first sentence of paragraph 2.

:)

Undergraduate / 'High Heels award' - Personal essay for UCLA(Transfer to film major) [5]

"Lu Xiaohan, High Heels", I have won the bronze award! I take the trophy from the professor on the stage, feeling like a star, and I just want to laugh loud. It is May. 13th, 2009, the day I win my first trophy in ...

I think you could make it better by chopping off that first sentence. It's confusing when you start off by shouting somethigabout high heels. But it is such a nice start if you begin with, "I take the trophy..."

I enjoy the special experience of making films; although it can be really tough and tiring sometimes, it brings a sense of accomplishment that I have never felt.

This is great! I think they will be impressed by it.

Undergraduate / 'Music based on Math' - Stanford essay: intellectually engaging experience [4]

This caught me at a time when I was not in a hurry, and I could really enjoy the experience you provided with your writing. Drumming forth, you write with rhythm, carrying me along.

I think maybe you can improve it by using paragraphs! You write with rhythm, so now use paragraphs to lead the reader along.

You can keep the rhythm, but also approach composition in that methodical way that shows how smart you are: Say your main point, explain it, and then say it again. Admissions essays are expected to be a bit formal, usually. So... paragraph it up! Give it some structure.

Can't wait to see what excellent stuff you'll create, you write with rhythm.

Undergraduate / Can't imagine entering a profession not aimed at helping others; UM School of Nursing [8]

If one asked a kindergarten class what their favorite television shows were ...

It is not really incorrect to say "asked what... shower are ," but it sounds nicer when the verb tenses are consistent.

How about instead of etc, you write, "and so on."

You know what? I think this has a lot of potential, but you should give it another try. At some parts of the day, you might feel inspired to write something that is really beautiful.. capture those opportunities... those inspired moments.

This draft organized your thoughts, so the next one will be excellent. In the last paragraph, you start by talking about nursing being important to you, and then you go on to talk about how it is important in general, and then you come back to talking again about it being important to you. If you take time to write this again next time you feel inspired, I think you will be happy with the results.

Undergraduate / FSU ESSAY-- VIRUS, ARTES, MORES "BUILD HOMES FOR KATRINA VICTIM" (CRITIQUE) [3]

torn down the streets, knocking the buildings...

The strength it took to compose myself in front of my classmates inspired reflection, and it was enough to remind me...

It would be good if you found a way to mention how this involved moral, physical, and intellectual strength. It would also be good if, for clarity, you mention in the first sentence the year and the name of the project you were involved with:

"Vires" is what I exemplified on the morning of [date], when I got off the bus in Biloxi, Mississippi as part of a group of students involved with the [name of project].

This is very impressive, it's great that you helped with that effort to rebuild.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay: "Mother's heart is infinite like the Pacific Ocean overflowing" [3]

You write very well! I just have a few ideas:

"Mother's heart is infinite like the Pacific Ocean overflowing"

Until now, when I am living a half circle of the earth away from my mother, I understand and know how much I love her. That was an idea I had to make the sentence less awkward. Also:

I don't know whether or not I can do as well when I have a child, but I will...

I think this essay will do very well, it elicits emotions and shows your intelligence.

Book Reports / "I am the Beast" -Lord of the Flies Essay [6]

Great stuff here. I often start papers like this by writing it this way:

In William Goldings 1954 Lord of the Flies, and so on..

But I think I like your way better. I like the structure of that first sentence... so, in this case it was you giving me advice. Thanks!

I think your first paragraph seems too much like a synopsis. It seems that your thesis statement is that Beast is war at first but that the boys become the beast in the end. That is good, but state it as an assertion you are making: Although the concept of the "Beast" is associated with war at the start of the novel, it gradually becomes clear that...

So, the suggestion I am making is that you revise that intro paragraph just a little, but it is already very good.

This is excellent, great conclusion. The quote from page 187 is perfect there.

Undergraduate / Engineering - Statement of Purpose for Undergraduate Studies. [4]

Overall, it is a little too informational and not emotive enough... emotive, with colorful words.

Also, this sentence should be reconsidered:

It is a strong belief in my family that the United Kingdom education system has the best to offer in the whole world .

Try to make every sentence like a brilliant stroke of a sword. Make every sentence AFFECT the reader in a particular way...

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

I think it is great to take ANY opportunity to talk to an admissions officer whenever you can, and be impressive, respectful, enthusiastic.

Also, yes, it is great to tell the admissions officer that you posted on EssayForum, because it shows them that you are serious about collaborating and learning. I understand why you are concerned about plagiarism, because maybe the admissions officer will see the essay on the Internet and think you cheated, but like you said it's easy to just point out that it is your work with your name at the bottom.

You bring up a good point! People need to use their real names when they post here, so that they are shown as the authors of the work.

Did I answer your question?

Poetry / I just wanted to share my latest extension of 100 word prose [4]

Hey, you have a lot to give as an artist, i think. Great stuff. In the begining, I wonder if it would not be better to add a comma:

The wanton breeze, blowing, fickle.

No, forget I said that!! That is not necessary. See, fickle is not an adverb, but you can use it as one, because you have "poetic license."

Jeanie, this is great poetry. I wonder if you have any need for advice, or if you were just sharing. I don't want to mess with them as they are. I like them! Thanks for sharing this, adding a little rhythm and imagery to EssayForum.

Undergraduate / FSU "Vires, Artes, Mores".. artistic pursuits. [3]

You can just write another draft and post the new one below. Let me give my ieas for this draft:

That second sentence is GREAT!! You can make it more manageable with a dash:

...and an opportunity to express profound, compelling ideas -- in rhetoric, paintings, and prose.

Use " " marks when you refer to a word: ...artistic pursuits described in "Artes," I have...

This has some great writing. Oops, don't ruin it by saying something that makes no sense: In as much as the longevity of The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, and Mores" provide the guiding philosophy behind the Florida State University, and they are are also equally reputable and entrenched within my identity as and spirit of this young and vital person an aspiring artist.

You should be careful not to overdo it with the eloquence. That is a mistake I made in high school, because I was eloquent, I made my writing too flowery. Remember to stay focused on the purpose. Take out some of the flowery abstractions and replace them with specific words about what you intend to do with your education and your life. Balance that Artes with some pragmatism. That, I think, is how to make this perfect.

Undergraduate / "I want to study in the multicultural environment" - APU admission essay [5]

Number agreement:

The names of these universities keep spinning around...

I think you should use the word "four" instead of 4:

...spent 4 years studying tourism at...

This is great!! You are so impressive. There are mistakes with the English, but that is just because you are bilingual. I think this is very impressive. You can make it better by writing more about your goals and plans. Don't just say that the school "satisfies the criteria which I look for in a university," but instead get specific about the professors you want to learn from, the classes you are excited about, the resources you will use.

Good luck!!!

Writing Feedback / Is it a good thing to have children employed with paid jobs? [4]

This is great!! I think it can be better if you get a little more specific in the intro instead of just writing "for several reasons." List the reasons you are about to explain!

Despite these benefits, some people strongly oppose this trend.

Great last paragraph! You write well, I don't know why you say it is your weakness!

I think you should talk a little about how, in developing nations where people live in poverty, the children have to work to help the family survive. The real problem is poverty, lack of opportunity. The answer is not to say it is not okay for kids to work; instead, we need to empower people in developing nations to have more opportunities, so their kids don't have to do unhealthy work.

As for children who get part-time jobs while going to school and not living in poverty, good for them!! Working is learning.

Great essay!!