Grammar, Usage / "It's a writer&character-based film that is mostly in touch..." - sentence from an essay about film [4]

Rose, it is better if you divide that sentence into 2 different paragraphs because you are talking about 2 different criteria when it comes to the film. The best way to utilize this thought process in your essay would be to develop the sentence using the following examples:

In the movie xxx, the viewer is presented with a character driven movie that calls to mind...

As a writer, xxx developed the characters of his story to portray ...

The characters should bring forth a sense of familiarity with the viewer in order to create a connection with the story of that person as it unfolds on screen. That is what makes the story character based and character driven. The way that the writer developed the characters based upon the literary originals should be clearly presented as well. Assuming that is, that you are reviewing a novel brought to film. There are always some character variations in that case so you should discuss those.

Your main discussion should center on the issue of fate after you have presented the first 2 descriptions of the story and character plots to the reader. It is only after you have threshed out those first two parts of your review that you will be able to focus the attention of the reader on the actual message of the novel / film. The background of the characters and the writer ideas regarding his character development will, in the end, help you to better discuss the central plot of the movie as all 3 points can now relate in your essay.

Undergraduate / Destroy and Build the Word with Scissors - CommonApp Essay about Personal Dilemma [10]

Hi Sanak, thanks for providing the complete prompts to me. It really helped me better assess your essay in terms of where it would be more applicable. I know that it takes a lot of time and effort for students to reflect upon these essay prompts and then develop it. That is why I always advise the students to choose the prompt that best suits the essay that they developed. It makes their work worthwhile and helps the student avoid doing extra work :-)

In your case, I believe that it would be best to use the background prompt instead. The reasons that I opted for this prompt for you is really simple. Your essay talks about your background and talent, plus the development of your interest in this particular field. So the essay that you wrote is just perfect for it. You have the background in the form of your test at the temple. The talent in the form of your being able to destroy things (Yes it is a talent because not everyone as the inborn ability nor desire to take things apart :-) ). And the interest because of the story about your father bringing home the Star Wars VHS tapes. It is quite clear to me, as it will be to the reader that your story best applies to this prompt.

I would like you to do one thing in this essay though, revise the ending. Since we are talking about your background try not to talk about its relation to your choice of college majors. That really isn't required at this point. You just have to give the reviewer additional background information about yourself that you would otherwise not have had a chance to discuss using the other prompts. Instead, just explain why you finally came to control your desire to destroy through the Star Wars movies. Show the reviewer that you came to an understanding about who you are through this experience. We are aiming to show an intellectual maturity on your part and a clear understanding of who you are as a person.

Undergraduate / Destroy and Build the Word with Scissors - CommonApp Essay about Personal Dilemma [10]

Sanak, the essay that you wrote is not about a personal dilemma so it does not fit the prompt requirements. The current content of your essay sounds more like it fits the "Personal background, trait, or talent" kind of prompt. So in my opinion, you need to consider writing a more prompt relevant story as a response, or, the other choice is, to choose a different prompt instead to use this essay with. As I mentioned above, there is a prompt specific to this experience that you can use. So that choice it actually yours to make. At this point, let me try to explain to you the kind of experience that best responds to this prompt.

You need to asses the whole prompt for its relevance to your personal life. When you are asked to describe a personal dilemma, you need to concentrate on a situation that you had to overcome. It has to be a sort of challenge that you had to identify and then take steps in order to solve. Now, that is not something that needs to be as physical as you think. Right now, you are in the mindset of "I destroyed things so I had to stop doing that". While that is certainly a dilemma that is hard to overcome, it is not really a true dilemma. You really knew how to stop being a destroyer, you just did not want to do it.

Instead of trying to portray yourself as "The Incredible Hulk Meets Yoda", opt to present something along the lines of an intellectual challenge, ethical problem, or question that you needed to find an answer to because it directly relates to how you developed as a person. It has to be a situation that you thought you had no control over and could not change because of certain things such as the mindset of the people around you, a desire to keep things as part of the normal sphere of things on your part, or a situation that you just did not want to be involved in but could not help but do so. Those are the kinds of personal challenges that are taken seriously by the reviewer.

You need to make sure to highlight your intellectual maturity in this essay. Presenting a significant problem that forced you to take on a challenge and then come up with proper solutions to a problem. Think along the lines of traditional problems or predicaments. For example, a situation when you learned that your classmate cheated off your test paper and you caught him doing so. Did you turn him into your teacher or not? Why did you opt to make that decision? Did it benefit you positively in the end? In other words, this essay has to showcase your problem solving skills. It definitely does not have something to do with "Star Wars", scissors, and your love of destruction.

A totally revised essay should be able to help you better revise this essay. Base the new essay upon the above guidelines I presented and you should come out of this essay development phase just fine :-)

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Sam, now that the essay is almost in is final form, we need to start reviewing it for redundancies and information that can best be received by the reviewer through the other documents that you have submitted. That said, it is important that you do a side by side comparison of the information that you have provided with your resume or CV. In other words, yes, you should remove the reference to any information in the essay that is already placed in more relevant parts of your application documentation.

The reason that you should remove any information that is already mentioned in your CV is really quite simple. The CV offers a more thorough presentation of your work in relation to that "experience". Being more specific about your accomplishments in your CV actually helps the reviewer remember the most important aspects of your academic and professional side. It is easier to refer to for clarification and allows the reviewer a chance to verify all the claims that you have made in your application. Yes, not only presidential candidates get fact checked, even college applicants do :-)

I am pleased to see how seriously you are taking your application and that you are conscious of the fact that not all information needs to be located in your essay. Removing those parts will shorten the content and totally shed light and bring the interest of the reviewer only to the prompt related content of your essay. I look forward to reading the final form of your essay :-)

Essays / Opinion wanted about my literature thesis statement [5]

HI Travis, the thesis statement that you developed has a nice read and feel to it. However, since this is not the full thesis statement, I am not sure if it will be totally applicable to the book that you have chosen to discuss. Remember that this particular author's work is one of the most difficult and complicated to assess in terms of literature review. That is why I believe that your thesis statement will benefit from further development in terms of specifically choosing which aspects of the book you want to review.

Before yo launch into the main statement above, try to define the simple meaning of "magical realism" in the thesis statement. As not everyone may be as familiar with Marquez's work, but have already read works by other authors along the same genre, without knowing what the genre is called, the definition can help the reader understand what you mean when using this ter. I would like you to do that just in case your paper is put up for review within your classroom setting by your professor. Which is something that is done in leterature classes to help you assess and identify your weak points as a literary reviewer.

Please do not try to assess the book in generalized terms. Choose the specific portions, messages, acts, of historical facts that can help you best assess the validity of the claims Marquez makes in the book. Regardless of how well written a general review is, the best paper / review is always the one that tries to review 3 interconnected parts of the book. Concentrate on the parts that best depict the "magical realism" of the author's work. That way the essay will be easier for you to write as well. All of those parts should be first identified within the thesis statement and be discussed within the essay as sections and sub-sections.

Undergraduate / Out of the few universities that I visited and applied for, UCF stood out the most. COLLEGE ESSAY! [10]

Vineeth, that introduction is better than what you have at the moment. If clearly shows that you have tied in your personal desire to further your computer studies with UCF. Now, I am led to the next question. Since you have improved your opening spiel, how do you plan to revise the rest of the essay to fit that opening statement?

A word of unsolicited advice on my part, don't forget, now that you have created that personal connection with UCF, you have to follow through on it. That means that you now need to specify reasons that show commonalities between your interests and UCF. Look up the website of the school and analyze their mission and objectives. Do you identify with anything that the university stated in those portions? If you find some similarities between the two then don't be afraid to mention it. These similarities show that you have not only researched about the school, but that you also understand the reason that they inspire they students to be a certain kind of student / individual / adult.

I hope that you can post the full revised essay soon. The new introduction is a good start. I hope that you will be just as successful following through in the succeeding paragraphs :-) Remember, the personal connection counts more than the common known information about the university so to not try to fall back on that information when you feel yourself running short. Just end the essay and post it here so we can help you polish it instead :-) See you soon!

Scholarship / How can study in Sweden and Masters degree help you reach your goal? Your Future plans? M.Letter [3]

Lakshmik, it is not enough for you to explain that the reason you chose to study in Sweden is because of the ability of the Swedish universities to teach their classes based upon real world problems. Since the latter part of your essay indicates a desire on your part to do some sort of future research in relation to your major, you should instead, try to explain that the reason that you chose to enroll in Sweden is because their university offerings provide you with the opportunity to attend classes that can help you to further understand the underlying causes of the electrical problems in your home country. Discuss the breakthroughs that Sweden has developed in their quest to end the problems related to electric power engineering in their country and how you hope to be able to use the shared technological lessons to help improve the status of your own country.

Right now, the first half of your essay does not really prodice a solid interest or connection between your academic interests and the chosen university. The information that you provide is so generic that you could be describing any university in Sweden, not just KTH. So you need to make sure that you discuss the reasons why only KTH, as the university you have chosen in Sweden, is the only university that can fulfill your educational criteria.

When they ask you how studying in Sweden can help you, don't be misled by the question. They are not discussing Sweden in general. Rather, they mean to have you focus your response on the KTH experience with the possibility of utilizing the internships and training programs of the government of Sweden in helping you to achieve your goals. Answering that part of the essay may require you to Google the latest energy innovations to come out of Sweden in order to properly respond to the question, but that will be the correct and expected response to the query. Connect the Swedish internships and training programs with your future KTH experience.

Writing Feedback / 'Public Health is the golden path'. Personal Statement for UC's with Public Health Major!! [3]

Omaris, I have an idea I want you to try. It will require you to write a totally new version of the essay but I believe that it will work out just fine for the purposes of this essay. I want to eliminate the story about your friend who overdosed. As I read your revised essay, I came to realize that there is a more effective method of building the foundation of your interest in public health. It was staring us in the face all the time so I really can't believe that it took us this long to realize it :-)

Remember the part of the essay where you discuss trying to find out how much the second graders knew about public health? That you were surprised to find out that they did not know why they neede dot get regular flu shots? Then you and the class embarked on an information campaign to promote your school garden and the fact that you donated it to a local NGO for their benefit? Guess what, those events, properly developed will be the perfect launching pad for your interest in public health.

Can you picture it? First talk about the sports medicine class and Dr. Murphy's influence that led to your interest in the field. Then go on to talk about the second grader experience. Finally close the essay with your giving a simple message about how majoring in public health is just the next logical step in the development of that interest. An interest that will hopefully result into a long term career for yourself. Everything will fall into place, relate, and even create a career plan for you in the end if the essay is revised and developed in this manner.

If you agree with me, then I hope that i can read the new version of the essay in this thread as soon as possible :-) Good luck!

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Talking about epiphanies will definitely be better than talking about revenge in your essay. I like this new intro to the paragraph that you developed. It sounds like it should work much better in coordination with the rest of the information in the essay. If this is really the foundation for your interest in Electrical Engineering then I will no longer insist that you remove it. It seems that you really want to tell this story even though it is not a necessary part of the statement of purpose.

So what we have to do with the paragraph now is use it to introduce your plans for further developing a particular aspect of electrical engineering using that experience as the basis for the research. Remember how I told you that you can make up for the lack of work experience and hands on training or seminars through your early experience in the field? That is how you can best use this high school experience that you insist on keeping in the essay.

Find some sort of part or aspect of what happened that has led you on the quest to further improve the field of electrical engineering. Then form that into a question that could be used as the basis for research. Once you do that, you will be able to better direct your sop towards the more practical and non-professional experience related discussion.

Like I said, this new introduction really helps the paragraph and allows you to better play with the information in order to make it more relevant to your masters degree studies. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you develop that part of the essay. Maybe I can show you an example of what to do for your reference. I would however, like to see how you would do it first. I can correct and advise you from that point on :-)

Writing Feedback / Obesity, Type 2 Diabetes, and heart disease! Can sugar sweetened drinks be to blame? [3]

Hi Robin :-) Welcome to the forum. I am sure that we will all be able to help you improve and polish this highly interesting essay. As a persuasive essay, I can assure you that you have more than enough information to support your claims regarding the blame that can be placed on sugary drinks as one of the main causes of Type 2 Diabetes. However, the way that you structured the discussion is not really very persuasive.

When you write a persuasive essay, you cannot just keep on providing information that supports your claims in the essay. The discussion must contain the pro's and cons of your claims. That means that for every contradicting piece of information you present, you need to debunk or discredit the commonly accepted school of thought or belief first.

So in your introduction, make your thesis statement shorter. State that you will be analyzing the reasons that sugary drinks as being focused on as the major cause of diabetes even as the manufacturers of the products claim that their juice, soda, and other beverages have healthy ingredients. Then close the paragraph by giving an overview of the information that you will be presenting to prove or persuade the reader to believe in your line of reasoning.

That said, you will have to conduct even more research than you already have. This time, the information you should be looking for will be about the claims that these sugary drinks do not contribute to the Type 2 Diabetes cause. Try to find the 3 most convincing reasons that you can find to use in the essay. Each reason should have some corresponding anti reason in your existing research. You will combine the two in paragraph form in order to persuade the reader of your cause.

Each paragraph should contain one topic sentence. Always mention the reason that states the drink does not cause diabetes first. Then follow through with your knowledge and facts regarding why that belief is wrong. Make the discussion that persuades the reader to believe that the drinks cause diabetes longer than the discussion that says it doesn't do that.

In the concluding paragraph of your persuasive essay, recap the claims that you made against sugary drinks. Advise the reader to consider the truth behind your claims and the truth behind the claims of the manufacturers. Allow them to weigh the evidence for themselves. Then close the essay with a reiteration of your belief that the drinks cannot be absolved of the fact that it does contribute to Type 2 Diabetes development.

Always balance out your discussion with the pro and con side. That is the kind of persuasive essay that shows an in-depth research was done on the topic. It also proves that you are not merely trying to persuade the reader to come to your side, you are also trying your best to educate them. That is how you write a strong and convincing persuasive essay.

Undergraduate / Out of the few universities that I visited and applied for, UCF stood out the most. COLLEGE ESSAY! [10]

Vineeth, while your essay is truly informative and offers an insight into the background of the university as the main reason that you chose to study at UCF, the answers you provided are definitely not the answers that the reviewer is looking for. A response to this prompt should not include commonly known, researchble information. Those are reasons that cannot help your application because you are merely repeating often learned information through website searches and the student brochures, or even Google. In other words, the information you provided for your choice lacks a personal connection between your choice and the university offerings. The reviewer will not appreciate reading information about the university that he is quite familiar with since he is an employee of the university. Therefore, there is no need for you to introduce his own university to him.

What your response should contain instead, are references to the academic and extra curricular reasons that you wish to attend UCF. You should start off your response with information about the major that you wish to study (Computer Science). After you mention your chosen major, discuss the various academic offerings, course curriculum, internship programs, research opportunities, etc, that are offered at the school. Explain to the reviewer wjy these course offerings and academic activities give you hope for a brighter future. don't mention anything about university rankings, tuition fees, or even after college employment salaries. Those should not be the main reasons why you choose a university.

After that, explain how you feel at home or welcome by the university community, talk about a few campus social activities, organizations, or clubs that are located on campus that you feel will help you keep a well rounded life during your next four years as a student. Talk about volunteering at organizations close to your heart, or working with clubs in order to develop your civic mindedness. Make sure to portray the idea that UCF is your choice of university for college because of the well rounded (academic and social) education that is offered there.

Remember, create a personal connection with the university. Try to show the reviewer that you have some common traits with their known missions and objectives as a university. The academic and social connection between you must resonate loudly in the essay. As of now, your essay is not only weak, it is inappropriate and unusable. The reviewer will not even finish reading this essay at this point. So you have to start from scratch and develop a totally new essay in response to the prompt. The "heart" of your reasons will be what matters most in this case.

Undergraduate / Development trajectories of Indian economy since Independence - correcting errors in the SoP [7]

Hi Hargun, I know you are waiting for Ivy's response but since she hasn't gotten around to it yet, let me try and ofer you some help from my point of view. I'll just address the issues that you are concerned with in the parenthesis of your statement.

After diligently following the newspaper articles by P. Sainath, one of the first Indians who has worked on the agrarian crisis extensively, and perusaling ( PERUSAL IS THE WORD I WANTED TO USE) PERUSING

- ALTHOUGH, I BELIEVE THAT THE WORD YOU SHOULD BE USING HERE IS READING INSTEAD. PERUSING IS SIMILAR TO ONLY BROWSING THROUGH AN ARTICLE. YOU WANT TO SAY THAT YOU READ THE ARTICLE FROM BEGINNING TO END.

Ranjana Padhi's , an Independent writer and activist , "Those Who Did Not Die:Impact of the Agrarian Crisis on Women in Punjab" revelated REVELATION IS THE NOUN I WANT TO USE)REVEALED

- USE PAST TENSE SINCE YOU ALREADY DID THIS ACTIVITY.

I hope I was able to help you out a bit while waiting :-)

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Sam, did you ever participate in any internship programs while you were in college? Internship experience also classifies as "work experience" when applying for masters degree admission. The professional requirements for a masters degree student are really pretty flexible, provided that you can convince the reviewer that the experience was something that convinced you of a need to enroll in higher education immediately after graduation. Remember, the reason that most people enroll in masters studies is because these people have come to the realization that while their college education provided a strong enough foundation for their current careers, it doesn't really offer them much of a chance in terms of advancing in their current career choice. So if we can present an indication that the masters degree is something that you are studying in order to better prepare yourself for your career in the future, then the essay just might work to your benefit :-)

I am of the opinion that because the story started way in high school, it will not really impress the reviewer. So it should not be used in the essay. Remember, the other masters degree students applying will be impressing the reviewer from the very beginning of their statement of purpose with their work experience and career goals. I sincerely believe that you should leave the high school part of your interest in electrical engineering be left out. It is really not a serious consideration in your application and will only continue to lengthen your essay when you should be shortening it.

Rather than keeping that negative story, why not turn your first paragraph instead into a presentation of your idea for your dissertation? Show the relevance of the dissertation idea to the future plans you have for revitalizing or creating a breakthrough in the field of electrical engineering? Forward thinking essays are normally well accepted in these circles because the universities are always looking for the future next big name in the field to attach the name of their university to. So that will turn into a huge positive for your application. If you have an impressive dissertation, add that to your "internship or other work related experience" and you will be able to create a highly positive statement of purpose.

I hope I was able to answer all of your questions. I really believe that the suggestions I made, specifically about removing the references to high school, will help lower the word count of your essay to a huge extent. I would like to advice you about something in relation to that though. Since you are still writing the draft of the essay, don't keep the word count in your mind for now. Just keep writing. Make it as long and informative as possible. It is always easier to edit out parts during the drafting process, than it is to write an effective essay with the writer being conscious of the word count. I will be more than happy to continue helping you edit the over the limit essay. That is always how a student ends up with the best possible essay, regardless of whether it is a personal statement or statement of purpose.

Graduate / "Revenge not only douse our deep ire but it also could be revealing." SOP - ELECTRICAL Engineering [14]

Sam, are you currently an electrical engineering undergraduate? What I mean is, are you just about to complete your college degree in this field of study? The reason that I ask is because your statement of purpose is badly lacking in terms of professional experience. All of your most important information seems to be more based upon the academic side of your studies instead of the current practical applications that you should have experienced had you been working in the field already. If you are still an undergraduate, then I suggest that you review your approach to the essay.

In any given statement of purpose, the focus of the essay must be on the current and future aspirations of the applicant. Please consider changing the content of your essay to center more on that aspect. Right now, I really do not think that the current opening paragraph is a good one because it talks of a negative side to your personality, that of being a vindictive person. Since you are performing a preliminary introduction of yourself to the reviewer, I strongly advise against presenting that story. Not only is it considered not too important in your application because these are events that happened to you in high school, it also leaves a questionable impression of your character with the reviewer.

In order to make up for your lack of skills, training, and professional experience, you should call the reviewer's attention to the research that you wish to perform as a masters degree student in this field. What particular dissertation do you have in mind to undertake during your studies? How do you see the university offerings / curricula/ internship / training programs working hand in hand with your dissertation? Prove that you will eventually be a game changer in this field because of your plan of research. That is how you set yourself apart from the pack of applicants when you are lacking in professional skills.

I don't believe that you essay benefits from your degrading yourself within the essay. It is not in your best interest to every say that you lack training in something. Instead, revise the paragraph to say that you have "limited exposure" to certain program languages, etc. It is important to show yourself off as a hard working and determined student who will do whatever it takes to succeed.

Undergraduate / 'dreams as big as oceans'; I wrote this statement of purpose for an exchange application [3]

Hi Ailia, while it is nice that you wanted to share your information about being a pre-med student in college, it is really not that necessary when writing your statement of purpose for your interest in studying journalism. You can mention that you were a pre-med student but it should not take up more than a sentence or two in your essay since it is not relevant to your interest in journalism.

In my opinion, you should use your limited word space in depicting the reasons why you wish to pursue your studies in Journalism. So the most relevant part of your essay that you can turn into your introductory paragraph is related to the following:

I'm a girl with dreams as big as oceans. My areas of interest include politics, international relations, human rights.

After that part is stated, you can continue to create the purpose of your studies in Journalism with:

I aspire to be a journalist because: My country is in a mess right now (extremism, intolerance, misogyny), I want to fix it...

All of the above mentioned sentences will comprise your introductory paragraph. Don 't forget to write a transition sentence that will help introduce your next and final paragraph, which will deal with the reasons why you chose to study Journalism at this specific university. Discuss what you hope to learn, gain, and develop during your time there.

I don't think that you need to write more than 2 paragraphs for this since it is an exchange program application. Just make sure you mention what you hope to contribute to the university in exchange for the knowledge and training that you will be gaining from them. If you can post your revised essay here, I do believe that we can continue to revise it until it becomes perfect enough for submission. I hope to read the revision soon.

Graduate / "Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think" PhD SOP [3]

Maryam, you did not write a statement of purpose. What you wrote is a personal statement. I can understand why you might have confused the two, since both of these essays ask you to present the development of your interest in a particular field. You also should not present any deviation from your academic and professional information in your SOP. So the indication of your extra curricular activities definitely classify this current essay as a personal statement.

The Statement of purpose actually requires 4 specific sets of information that directly relate to your purpose for masters degree studies. What you provided here is not the complete, required information so let me give you some guidelines to help you revise the content of the essay in order to provide the best possible answer to the SOP prompt requirements.

First of all, a statement of purpose requires you to discuss your early interest in the field in an overview form. You don't need to back into the profession of your father, nor the earliest basis of your interest. What you should provide is a simple look at your college education, continuing into the types of related jobs, with details regarding your most recent training and interests in the field. These are the facts that create the basis of your interest in pursuing a masters degree. Normally, you should share your professional experience in the field, paying particular attention to any of the shortcomings that you have which awakened you to the fact that you need to have higher academic training in the field.

Then, you can transition into a paragraph that will allow you to discuss your personal reasons for believing that you need the additional education in this field. Consider your short term and long term career goals when developing this discussion in order to portray the logical professional hierarchy that you will be following. Make your career advancement plans in such a manner that it covers the first 5 years of your career, then your next 10 years.

Finally, you can move the discussion into the most important aspect of the statement of purpose. That is, why did you choose this particular university? How and why do you believe that this university can help you achieve those goals /purpose that you have set for yourself. Make sure that you call the reviewer's attention to the dissertation research that you plan on undertaking (if applicable) or the internships and various training programs that the university might be offering which can be of particular use to you in this field. That concluding paragraph should help you further strengthen the validity of your need or ambition for higher education.

Remember, the essay you wrote above will not be useless for your purpose of application. You can still use it as your personal statement when you need it. At the moment, what you should do is develop a proper statement of purpose so that you can provide the necessary SOP information to the reviewer along with your other application documents.

Writing Feedback / The start of a marathon - Descriptive essay [2]

Hey Kevin ! I really like the way that you wrote this essay. It is highly descriptive and only needs a slight grammar edit in order to make it work. If you want to further improve the essay, the only critique that I can give you, which is really just plain nitpicking at this point, is that you clarify if you were a participant in the marathon or if you were only an observer. If you were an observer, then make sure to describe where you were located as you were observing the race. If you were a participant, then use the pronoun I or me when you describe how the events unfolded. Use the first person pronouns in order to further bring a personal connection to the events and yourself. Also, since these events have already happened, you should use the past tense word references throughout the essay. That said, here are my revisions for the content or word shortcomings of the essay.

-------------

As the orange ball of fire rises ROSE up over the Dubai auto drone, it unravels UNRAVELED the excitement of the 20k marathon, taking place. Surprisingly, even the parking lot (which was as big as two football stadiums) was not enough to accommodate the massive crowd that were eager to watch this spectacular event taking place. THE C chilly breeze of the winter monsoon forced the martial to order for another track inspection, which delayed the marathon further.

COMMENT: WHY WAS THE INSPECTION NECESSARY? PLEASE GIVE A MENTION AS TO WHY IT WAS NEEDED IN ORDER TO GIVE THE ACTION A MEANING IN RELATION TO THE MARATHON.

All of the participants now began doing various dynamic stretches making sure they TO do not pull a muscle during the race. Assistants were holding a pen and a notepad in their handS, ticking off the participant's number tag with the register. People from all over the world coming from various different nationalities were all participating in the marathon, it did not matter who you were or where you're WERE from, all the participants were treated equally.

Food trucks filled the scene where the race was going to begin. Overpriced food and snacks gave the customers a hard decision to make, MADE IT HARD FOR THE CUSTOMERS TO DECIDE whether to buy the juicy mouthwatering rib eye steak or something else that was cheaper. Most of the customers OPTED FOR the cotton candy stall, SINCE the alluring pink hazed cotton candy made the children's eye water. Desolately, t The overflowing dustbins were not a sight for sore eyes. Numerous plastic plates and empty water bottles gave the cleaners a challenge after the event concluded.

Within a split second , the crowd started cheering and shouting with joy, the cheers erupted like an auditory volcano, it was all quiet one second MOMENT and then deafening the next. David Beckham had just arrived (at the auto drone) to witness the exhilaration of this long anticipated marathon. He was allocated to a special area to be isolated from the crowd where he could perceive ESCORTED TO THE VIP SECTION OF THE AUTO DRONE WHERE HE COULD WATCH the action from there WITHOUT FANS DISTURBING HIM.

Through the deafening speakers came an announcement for the spectators to take a seat TAKE THEIR SEATS as the marathon was finally going to begin. Contestants now had the fire of incentive burning inside WITHIN THEM to accomplish the 20K marathon. Making sure their shoelaces were double knotted, the challengers took their places on the track like a herd of wilder beasts waiting for the migration season. His hand was raised. THE MARTIAL RAISED HIS HAND. The martial held his HE RAISED HIS HAND HOLDING THE dark brown revolver raised high up. Everyone's heart was racing; the contestants were sweating even before the race had commenced. "A runner's marathon will forever be imprinted in their mind," said the martial before he pulled the trigger.

Hearts were pounding as if it attempted ATTEMPTING to break out of the rib cage; the 20k race had finally begun. Winning the gold medal was the desire the contestants had which gave them an extra push to get a good lead at the start of the race. "10 more kilometers left" said a voice that cameout OVER of the speakers. A man with an Italian flagged t-shirt had a clear lead over everyone else, but there were a few participants that could WHO DID not finish the race and had collapsed to the floor ON THE TRACKS due to dehydration.

Due to the winter monsoon , the runners all had chapped lips at the end of the race, stiff legs made the participants sit down and the hard and inconsistent breathing soon became calmer. Volunteers approached the finish line holding large crates filled with water and energy drinks. Fatigue had overwhelmed the participants and a nice chilly ED drink was what they needed. Prizes were handed out quickly to the three winners along with the (10,000 AED) prize money for first place.

Undergraduate / "Great East Japan Earthquake" - it changed the whole my life [4]

Jay, I agree with Sakshi, while the depiction of the earthquake is exactly the kind of hook that will keep the reviewer glued to the rest of your essay, it is also the main reason that you are over the word count. I would suggest that instead of depicting the earthquake and its aftermath in great detail, you just make mention of it and then move on to the next topic, developing a new, more important paragraph in the process.

I think you should first introduce the reasons that you were residing in Japan. the reason why you were in Japan during the quake/tsunami is not really clear. Was your father diplomat assigned to Japan? Was he there for business or something? We need to know why you would spend 10 years of your life in Japan and then come back to the U.S. as a stranger. That is the information that can also effectively reel in the reviewer at the beginning of the essay. It actually brings your essay more into focus.

By the way, if the earthquake experience motivated you to help people who are suffering from pain and loss, why did you end up helpi9ng China instead of Japan with your volunteer work? It just seems more logical that since Japan was the reason you began to consider becoming a better person, that your first act of charity would benefit the country that inspired it. The latter part of your essay that closes the essay is short but sweet, making it highly effective as a conclusion.

Please note the questions and suggestions that I made for your essay. I believe that if you address those parts, the essay will go down in word count and also become more informative in relation to the prompt statement. I hope to read your revision soon :-)

Writing Feedback / Disadvantages of Facebook - be careful and use it 'scientifically' [3]

Hi Reece, I would like to call your attention to the way that you have structured your sentences. You have not properly used, the commas, ellipses, and periods in the essay. More disturbingly, you have also failed to properly format your essay for paragraph formatting and capitalization usage. I will not be addressing those necessary corrections at the moment because the most distressing problem of your essay is that it does not really live up to its title.

I am not sure what you meant by using Facebook scientifically. I do not see any reference in the essay to a scientific usage. The ills that you have explained in the essay are already known side effects of Facebook addiction. When you say that people need to use Facebook in a scientific manner, you should explain what you mean and offer examples to illustrate your data. Do not use a term in the title that you cannot explain fully within the essay. Either you change the title of your essay or you revise the content to better reflect the "scientific" word in the title.

You have also spent way too much time presenting the adverse effects of Facebook use. You seem to have forgotten that not everything about Facebook is bad. Try to balance the discussion between the positive and the negative aspects of Facebook use. You have mentioned 2 positive uses of Facebook. But those are the shallow reasons. You could have opted to discuss how FB has helped reshaped the way that the world receives the news, gave rise to citizen journalism, etc. Presenting the more important positive aspects of FB use will help you better balance the discussion.

Another thing you have to do is make sure to divide the essay into paragraphs. It will help you to better focus your discussion in the essay and allow you to see the mistakes or lack of developed ideas on specific paragraph topics. Try doing it to this essay and you will see that you have more than enough room to improve your discussion and offer a more solid opinion about the need to be careful when using Facebook.

Graduate / Song that expresses who you are and why (250 words) [9]

Seriously Anita, the songs that you chose have very shallow reasons and do not really respond to the prompt in an effective manner. You seem to have chosen two songs but were unwilling to share the important information behind the song choices. You only provided an overview of the songs relevance in your life, not really offering an insight into how the song affected your development or beliefs as a person.

Another problem with what you wrote is that you specifically stated that you could not find a song that would well respond to the prompt. Now why would you do that? That is tantamount to you telling the reviewer that you are not interested in the prompt that you have to respond to. Otherwise, you could have found that one, single song that best expresses who you are.

Pick just one song. Don't try to explain your way out of being undecided. The reviewer will not accept that line of reasoning. If he asks for one song, you give him one song. Remember that information not required in an essay and yet is presented will have a negative effect on your application. Just settle on one of the two songs and be willing to truly let your emotions hang out there. This is the one time that you have to show your vulnerable side to the reviewer. Use the song to express something unique about yourself.

Maybe there is a song that depicts a particular trait of yours. Maybe there is an inspirational song that you listen to when you are faced with a life altering decision. Perhaps you have a song that you listen to in order to lift your spirits when you are sad or disappointed. There are a host of reasons that a particular song resonates with you and expresses who you are. Find that song, the embodiment of your being, and discuss it. Pick the song that draws out the strongest emotion or response out of you. That is the song that you should opt to discuss in this essay. Don't try to discuss 2 under developed songs. It doesn't really work within the prompt parameters.

Undergraduate / "Jonathan, you're just not good enough" - Benchwarmer: The Power of Perseverance - Personal Essay [4]

Hi Jay. I must tell you that your essay is really one of the weakest responses to the prompt that I have read here. I think that weakness stems from your inability to really focus on a background, talent, or skill that can highlight your personality. The basketball story even veered a bit into the creative writing side with product endorsements with the mention of the gym and your perfume, plus the music you were listening to. It was almost as if you were trying to depict a television commercial instead of a personal experience. You definitely should not use this essay. It will not help your chances at gaining consideration for university admittance.

Instead of trying to discuss two topics, extra curricular and academic, you should opt for the topic that can best represent your perseverance. My belief, is that you should instead focus on your academic trials instead. It seems like the more reality based discussion that you can use to present your background will be in terms of academics rather than extra curricular. While the story does seem a bit common, if that is your reality, then you should discuss it as such. There is nothing we can do about your cliche of a story except make it sound creative and interesting in order to help it respond to the prompt.

You do have another option to this problematic prompt situation. That is, you still have the option to choose another prompt if you agree with us that this prompt will be hard for you to develop. There are 5 prompts that you can choose from, so choose the prompt that you can best discuss and refer to actual experiences about. Don't go for dramatics. Just choose the most informative essay that can best portray you as a person to the reviewer. You don't need to spend time making an essay that does not work, usable.

Graduate / Architecture is a unique industry. In my world, Architects are gods. 500 word application essay. [5]

Anita, would you like to give some thought to the possibility of alterinmg your essay to deliver a more personal approach to the reasons for your interest in business school instead of the current generic feeling reasons that you are giving in the essay? The essay prompt is looking for a truly interesting personal reason for your desire to alter your career from architecture to business. In this case, I believe that the essay will benefit from a redirection of the focus from your simply wanting to be a business leader to becoming someone who focuses on the whole industry in relation to her own future prospects.

My idea, is that we focus your desire to attend business school by highlighting your career advancement as an architect. I am guessing that the real reason that you are interested in business school is because of your desire to own an architectural firm and finally begin working for yourself. As such, that should be the concentration of the essay. While your line of reason that indicates :

I believe that designers like myself can learn from understanding business driven design rather than design driven business. Additionally, I feel strongly that it is time that the Design industry stand for a significant change and it should first start with individual project management. My hope for business school is to learn the skills that will pronounce me as a better leader that will help me challenge the practice of Architecture to better evolve in the changing world.

The bottom line for your application should still relate to your personal career advancement as the main reason for your interest in business school. It will be hard for any reviewer to believe that you do not want to work for yourself, cut out the middle man, so to speak, as you indicate your desires for attending business school. In fact, I can sense it within your essay. I also notice that you are trying not to mention that as one of your reasons. Don't do that. It is alright for you to want to advance yourself professionally and strike out on your own, without an architecture firm backing you. In fact, I believe that reviewers will be more receptive to such ambition as a reason for attending business school.

While your essay is alright, it does not really pop in the sense of calling attention to your desires to attend business school. If you opt to redirect the essay, you will be able to present more personally connected reasons for attending business school and how the Berkeley-Hass experience can relate to it.

Scholarship / Fast Food? sholud be banned ? - help me to correction or maybe add something in my essay. [4]

Sharah, the food served fast in restaurants are not called junk food, the proper term is fast food. The history of the term coming from the fact that the restaurant serves the food to is clients in a factory line manner, which speeds up the serving process. Hence "fast" food. While these restaurants do not serve the healthiest foods, they are not ranked in the same category as "junk food" since "junk" food contain no nutrients and do not really serve to energize the body when eaten.

Please make sure to use the correct term for the corresponding description in your essay. Using the wrong term could result in demerits in your final score. Junk foods are normally the prepackaged foil packs of potato chips and the like that are sold in supermarket. Please make sure to change the term you are using from "junk" to "fast" food if youa re referring to the food sold in restaurants like McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, Pizza Hut, etc. Any restaurant that serves food similar to those I mentioned do not serve "junk" even though some nutrition experts would like to describe the food they serve that way.

I would also like to point out a glaring problem with your essay. You have failed to properly format and use the in-text citations for the references that you mention. You need to mention the author, source of publication, and finally, the title of the work within the text, depending upon the writing format that the professor is asking you to use. Are you writing in MLA, APA, Chicago, Turabian, or any other type of research format? Kindly refer to the Purdue website for the proper citation formatting of your essay. Most professors and teachers really deduct points for improperly formatted citations so you have to make sure you fix those. Otherwise, your professor could accuse you of plagiarism to a certain degree.

The overall content of the essay is good. It just needs to correct a number of points in order to gain academic credibility as an essay. I hope you can address the issues I pointed out. Those are the parts that really carry a lot of weight in the final grading.

Writing Feedback / The quantity of students which join in the Secondary School, in three different years [3]

Meliana, while I will agree with the others about the existing grammar problems in your essay. It does not erase the fact that the ssay you developed presented the facts of the chart in a light and interesting manner. It would have really helped the essay tremendously if the light hearted tone was carried through with the proper grammar usage and sentence structuring. However, since you are not a native English speaker, the examiner will most likely allow for a margin of error in your essay. Although not that much, so you have to really work on polishing your grammar as best as you can. Let me help you out with my own grammar suggestions for your reference in this essay. Hopefully you will be able to keep those suggestions in mind as you develop your other practice tests.

This table displayed the quantity of students which WHO join ENROLLED in the Secondary School, in COVERING three different years. Overall, there are WERE essential changes in THE calculation of STUDENT ENROLLMENT FOR each school.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The High School Attendance was Revealed by the Table in Three Periods [2]

Masdar, when you wrote the summary overview mentioned that there were 4 school classifications included in the report. However, the classifications were not indicated anywhere within the summary. In order to present the flow of discussion to the reader, you should have given a mention of the school divisions in at the beginning. It would have helped to set up the flow of information in the succeeding discussion. Aside from that very small error on your part, I don't really see anything wrong with the essay. You were still able to present the information required to develop a successful report. It only needs some grammar restructuring in order to make the report better understood as it is read.

The h High school attendance was revealed by WAS PRESENTED IN the table in COVERING three ACADEMIC periods that were divided among COVERING THE YEARS 2000, 2005 and 2009. While there were four of school classifications, most of them showed a ALL CLASSIFICATIONS SHOWED A decrease of presence percentage over the time frame. But, HOWEVER, there was a gradually increase in one school major.

Turning first to Community Schools, It ITS ENROLLMENT LEVELS stood at 12% in 2000, then AND slightly rose over two times of TERMS DURING THE SAME following period in 2005. Interestingly, while Schools of Community COMMUNITY SCHOOLS were the RANKED THE lowest in the first period, it significantly grew to 58% in the TOWARDS THE end of THE period,HAVING the greatest attendance among three others WHEN COMPARED TO THE OTHER THREE.

In contrast, two of schools were the HAD A higher presence in 2000,NAMELY THE Voluntary-controlled schools (52%) and Grammar Schools (24%). In 2009, both noticeably fell to approximate APPROXIMATELY a half of the beginning, 20% for Voluntary-controlled and 12% for Grammar majorS. Finally, there was not much different DIFFERENCE with THE Specialist Schools which THAT HAD were 12% of attendance in 2000. Next, it IT steadily declined by 2% and reached REACHING 10% in 2009.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. The changes in the layout of the Woodwards University. [2]

Ramat, your detailed report analysis of the map proves that you not only paid attention to the details in the map, but that you also examined the effects of the renovations throughout the years in relation to the current physical status of the university. This is report that manages to deliver the information that will help inform the reader about the architectural history of the university. However, the lack of connecting words, improper word usage, and the like, have an overall negative effect on the essay. So we need to address those problem points. Please keep the changes I will be making in mind for when you write your next Task 1 essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent Essay - "To change or not to change" [3]

HI Luiza, I agree with TJ about the slight repetitiveness on your language usage. Using the same term over and over again throughout an essay makes the reading redundant and shows a limited scope when it comes to your English vocabulary. While the TOEFL examiner may not night the constant grammar usage since the TOEFL essay is more of a comprehension than grammar test, it would not hurt your essay if you could vary the words that you use to describe the same things. This is something that you can do through the use of a thesaurus. While I will not advise you to buy a thesaurus just for the test, I will encourage you to use an online thesaurus while you write your practice tests.

A Google search can help you find the thesaurus that you will be most comfortable using for the purpose of your TOEFL practice tests. I suggest that you use a thesaurus when writing your practice tests on your own time so that you can build your vocabulary while discovering new ways of saying the same things. Being able to do so will help you limit the reader boredom that can set in for the examiner during the actual scoring of your essay test.

I suggest that you try to revise this prompt response using a thesaurus, You will find that it will help improve the content of your essay and allow you to present information on a more interesting and varied level to the reader. Don't be afraid to try using different words in your essay, it is just part of your English learning curve at this point. So go ahead and practice, learn, and seek more advice about how to improve your essay writing skills :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The Internet is Probably the Most Significant Invention of the Last 30 Years [3]

Masdar, when you discuss an essay that asks you agree or disagree to a certain extent, one way that you can strengthen your position, without having to mention a personal opinion on the matter, is by adding your first person opinion at the end of each body of the paragraph.For example when you said:

They can infiltrate, delete, or disturb data or information, so it will be so harmful.

The strength of your conviction could have added a stronger voice to this statement by ending it instead with:

government has a responsibilities to control cyber world when there are negative contents of page webs. government has a responsibilities to control cyber world when there are negative contents of page webs.

Also, in the portion where you indicate:

They need quick online connection to link to their patrons, citizens, and clients, so their relations will be awakened in reality or virtual.

Your point of view that:

The societies have to use wisely,

Could have further strengthened the positive impact of the internet over the last 30 years.

With proper paragraph and thought development, this acceptable essay, with all its grammar mistakes and all, could have become a very purposeful and informative essay. Keep in mind that by showing your agreement and disagreement with the factors, both positive and negative, within the containing paragraphs, the essay takes a more authoritative sound.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Learn more about another country by watching television programmes and films [2]

Akbar, this would have been a well rounded and developed essay if only you had used the correct English words to discuss or describe certain topics within your essay. The message of your essay, that you believe that people cannot learn everything about a country just by watching the TV documentaries uses valid reasons to support it and contains information that some people who prefer to watch the tourist programs on TV may not be conscious of. However, there was a slight mistake in your conclusion. You seem to have presented a personal opinion as a part of the end of the essay.

As a general rule, no additional ideas can be reflected in a conclusion so you cannot really call what you wrote a conclusion. Rather, it is the paragraph before the conclusion. The conclusion is just a summary of the discussion and your reasons plus opinions. Those errors aside though, the essay can stand on its own and can be understood provided the reader knows how to mentally correct your wrong descriptive words. Let me help you detect the problem words in your essay below:

Writing Feedback / 'Moth is an insect which has a close relation to butterflies' - silkworm life cycle (IELTS task) [2]

Meliana, you have written the best version of this chart report so far. While the language needs to be cleaned up, the thought process that you used in analyzing the chart is quite evident. Your discussion presents the important information in a logical manner, even though the presentation could have been improved by proper grammar use. You also have to present 3 paragraphs to meet the minimum requirement. I'll show you here to cut the paragraphs in order to create that requirement. Let me help you clean the essay up :-) Hopefully, I can teach you something about grammar and sentence development in the process.

A M moth is an insect which THAT has a close relation to butterflies, and both are subpart SPECIES OF THE in Lepidoptera Ordination. The metamorphosis stage that IS displayed in the diagram, shows the cycle process of the silkworm, the offspring of a moth. Overall, IT CAN BE UNDERSTOOD THAT a silkworm become a moth in four steps of stageS which approximately LASTS 76 days or about 11 weeks.

At first, THE PROCESS BEGINS WHEN a mother moth lays eggs on the A mulberry leaf. Then, t Those eggs WILL hatch within 10 days. Following that NEXT, the silkworm larvas which has hatched, AFTER THE SILKWORMS HATCH, THEY WILL feed themselves with USING the leaves where they are WERE laid. The larvas which live on that THE m Mulberry tree WILL BE THE HOME OF THE larvas , stayed there for about four to six weeks, while keep eating leaves until they ARE capable to make OF MAKING silk threads.

Moreover, they makes Silk threads WILL BE CREATED OVER for about three to eight days, before it could FINALLY wrapped them. Finally, the cocoon protectS the larvas in their pupal stage in FOR approximately 16 days, before it changes into a moth which can fly . THEN THE and continually repeat the metamorphosis CYCLE REPEATS all over again .

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The changes in the layout of the Woodwards University [3]

Norman, while your grasp of the English language really needs to be improved, I could definitely see that you understood the chart as it was given to you and you understood what was happening within it perfectly. Now, while the way that you deliver the information is not as important as the fact that you delivered the correct information to your reader, it is important that you still try to make your essay easily understood using as much proper grammar as you can.

Writing Feedback / The internet gave big impact to human life. Today life would be totally different without it. IELTS2 [2]

Muhammad, while you are right to indicate a discussion about how important the internet is or has become over the past thirty years in your introduction, you forgot to mention that you will be discussing it because you agree with the statement to a certain degree. In this case, you should were right to concentrate solely on the reasons that you believe the internet is the most significant invention of the past 30 years.It really helped to strengthen your argument.

As I reviewed your response to the prompt, I noticed that you had a flaw in your discussion. As you know, in these types of essay tests, you are not supposed to present your personal opinion as a part of the conclusion. You should have presented that as a stand alone paragraph that would have properly delivered your personal reasons for agreeing with the prompt. The conclusion is supposed to be a paragraph that contains different information.

The conclusion should have only presented a summary of the prompt and discussion as you presented it. That means you only give a summary of the prompt and your reasons within the discussion. The final sentence of the conclusion should merely restate your opinion, it should not discuss it as a new idea. New ideas cannot be presented, as a rule, in the concluding paragraph of any essay.

Writing Feedback / Silkworms experience their life in five stages and spend about 10 weeks from eggs to become moths [3]

Masdar, your essay is acceptable and delivers an interesting report for the reader. However, since your paragraphs do not adhere to the correct formatting for these essays, you could be facing points deductions in the actual test once you take it. Tell you what I'll do. I'll take the time to correct your essay grammar and also show you how can make your future essays meet the sentence and paragraph requirements as well. I hope it can help you out :-)

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L THE life cycle of the silkworm is illustrated by the ATTACHED diagram and picture. At first glance, it is evident that, silkworms experience their life in five stages. DURING THESE STAGES, IT WILL TAKE and spend approximately 10 weeks from FOR THE eggs to become moths.

First step AT THE BEGINNING, the eggs are spawned and adhered by their mother on TO THE leaves. After 10 days, the eggs hatch and transform to be DEVELOP INTO silkworm larva. To survive their life , larvas LARVAE (PLURAL FORM) eat mulberry leaf LEAVES 9PLURAL FORM), their favorite diet.

During THE NEXT four to six weeks, enough long time, they THESE LARVAE WILL are going to grow up and produce silk threadS. Eventually in IN that phase, larvas LARVAE insert its self ITSELF INto THE coil of silk to make cocoon , CREATING A COCOON in three to eight days. While larva is inside, it does not look for and consume food or drink.

Afterwards, THE silkworm comes BREAKS OUT out from THE cocoon with A new appearance in 16 days. In the end of stages AT THE END OF THE STAGES, it becomes a moth with wings and has a skill to CAN fly. The figure of moth is totally different with FROM THE silkworm, people call it metamorphose A METAMORPHOSIS.

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As you can see, creating the right number of paragraphs and sentences per paragraph is sometimes just a matter of knowing how to divide the topic sentences into related or grouped discussions.

Writing Feedback / The silkworm during the cycle of life becomes a new moth. IELTS TASK 1 [2]

Muhammad, try to divide your introduction into 3 parts in order to meet the 3 sentence minimum requirement for the summary. By dividing the important parts in the first paragraph, you offer a better and stronger overview of the discussions to take place next. It helps to give your essay a discussion direction.

Your essay is way too short for a properly formatted IELTS task 1 essay. Keep in mind that a properly written essay should be composed of at least 3-5 paragraphs written within 30 minutes. Each paragraph should have a topic sentence and must be discussed within a minimum of 3 sentences as well. Your current essay has only 2 paragraphs. The first one is extremely short and the second one is extremely wrong due to some errors on your part.

The sentence about the divergence of the processing of the silkworm should have become your 3rd paragraph. The reason behind that is because it talks of a totally new and independent process than the first two. Since it does not relate, then it should be separated. You should learn how to develop longer discussions based upon your observation of the silkworm life cycle in order to create more interesting and engaging paragraphs. At the moment, your essay is too technical in detail and does not show an interest in the discussion on your part. So while the essay is technically acceptable, it does not score well in terms of acquiring the reader's attention.

Speeches / The great history of Abraham Lincoln - presentation speech. [4]

I'll help you correct your grammar first. Then I will direct your attention to a more serious problem regarding the facts in your essay within my comments section located after the paragraph itself. Here are my corrections and notes :-)

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Abraham Lincoln was born in 1809 in Kentucky. He was elected THE 16th president of the United States in 1861. At that time, the country was having problems regarding the practice of slavery. The people of northern states were against this practice, but the southern states wanted to keep it. This made the country going to split up. THE ISSUE DIVIDED THE COUNTRY.

COMMENT: IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS DISCUSSION ABOUT SLAVERY VALID, YOU SHOULD MENTION THE STAND OF LINCOLN, WHICH BEGAN THE WAR.

After that, a A civil war broke out between the northern and southern states. In order to keep the country in unity UNITED, he fought LED the war bravely and won the war . Finally, the practice of slavery was abolished. Because of this, he was MAKING LINCOLN one of the greatest presidents of the United States.

Although Abraham Lincoln was very smart, he still made several mistakes. For example, he underestimated his opponents and resulted an assassin was able to sneak into a box and shoot him. Lincoln was assassinated in 1865.

COMMENT: USE A POLITICAL EXAMPLE OF THE MISTAKES HE MADE DURING HIS PRESIDENCY THAT RESULTED IN A LENGTHY CIVIL WAR. THE ASSASSINATION IS NOT AN ACCURATE EXAMPLE OF HIS MISTAKES BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE A PERSONAL CONNECTION WITH THE ASSASSIN.

In my opinion, Abraham Lincoln was very persistent. He attended school for less than a year. He taught himself to read and write. Initially, he worked on the farm of his father. He did different types of jobs before he settled BECAME as a highly successful lawyer and then a great president. After reading his story, I learnt ED what it means to never give up.

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Your essay seems to be lacking in facts and focus. Are you supposed to talk about his presidency, his assassination, the civil war he led or what? I would like to know what focus the essay should have so that we can lengthen the essay and make it more informative when you deliver it.

Writing Feedback / Cars Ownership and Traffic Jam: Examples and Measures - [IELTS TASK 2] [2]

Kandrika, while you really offered a high level of understanding the prompt and you offered a possible solution to the problem. There was a clear lack of analysis regarding the solutions to the problem on your part. I am assuming that you do not own a car and that is why you came up with such a far-fetched solution to the traffic problem that cannot be implemented because it will not only destroy a whole industry that contributes to the growth of a nation (car manufacturing), but you also presented an idea that is next to impossible to implement without causing a riot in the streets because the government will be curtailing the rights of the people to own property and travel with freedom.

While I understand that you will be writing this under time constraints, the topic that was given to you is really a part of common culture discussions and daily news. The proper solution to the problem is not extra taxes on the people who own cars, rather, the government should develop more road infrastructures and alternative modes to private transportation instead. One of the commonly proposed solutions for the government to do is to build more trains, develop bike paths, and create a walking city where it becomes more convenient to walk rather than ride. Additional taxes on people will only cause more pressure on the already fragile income balancing act that the people do to meet their daily needs. The car is meant to help make their lives easier, not give them a harder time in performing their daily tasks and achieving their goals. By presenting a tax proposal, you will be doing exactly that.

Remember, the content of your essay needs to be ground in real life, with some possible real life applications whenever possible. In this instance, you failed to accomplish that. Raising gas prices just to stop people from using their cars will not work either. It will only add to the congestion in the streets because there will be a lack of public transport available to the riding public. Consider all possible options and consequences when you draft your essay responses. Sometimes, the most obvious solutions are not the ones that will get you the best scores.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] Analysing Map of School from 1950 until 2010 [4]

Kandrika, it is important that you learn how to divide the portions of information that can help the essay / report meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement. It is not very difficult to do that since the information is already handed to you in the chart. You just need to get creative in your presentation of the overview. Let me show you a sample of how to do that:

West Park Secondary School was built in 1950. Having been built in the 20th century, the school was placed on a property that was large enough for the school to accommodate expansion and growth over the next 60 years. This chart illustrates the type of renovations and additions that were made to the school over the past 60 years.

As you can see, all I did was take the known information from the chart you provided and then I divided its presentation within the introduction or summary overview. By doing so, I managed to introduce the subject of the report, its objective, and overall information to be presented in the succeeding paragraphs. The overview now shows how each topic will be discussed as a separate paragraph in succeeding parts of the essay. That is the aim of an overview. I hope my sample will be able to help you with your future compositions :-)

Writing Feedback / I consider it as a natural behaviour that the human beings rely more often nowadays on one another [3]

Aditya, I can sense that you are trying your best to make yourself understood in the written English language. Truth be told, you are somewhat successful in that quest because the meaning of what you are writing is clear. There is just a problem with the way that you construct your sentences. Let me help you clean that up below. Then after, I will offer your some advice regarding how to improve your essay writing skills.

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As human beingS reliance WE TEND TO RELY too much on others is a AS A natural behaviour. While most people in the preceding era PEOPLE IN THE PAST were more likely to rely on one another due to lack of abilities to do PERFORM some activities, . o Others now prefer working independently because of a tight competition THE EXISTENCE OF TOOLS AND GADGETS THAT MAKE LIFE EASIER. I utterly believe that becoming independence INDEPENDENT is the A great way to enrich the quality of life.THEREFORE, I AGREE THAT PEOPLE TODAY LEAD A MORE INDEPENDENT LIFE.

COMMENT: YOU FORGOT TO PRESENT YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE THESIS PROMPT. YOU WERE ABLE TO RESTATE THE PROMPT IN YOUR OWN MANNER, YOU JUST FORGOT TO PRESENT YOUR POINT OF VIEW AS A PART OF THE INTRODUCTION PARAGRAPH.

With regard to previous periods, less ability encouraged people to lean on others. This happened since a wide range of works done could be completed and make the activity easier WAS BECAUSE THE HELP OF OTHERS WAS NECESSARY IN ORDER TO COMPLETE TASKS. Taking TAKE a rural area in Indonesia to be AS an example, the all inhabitants helped each other to run A close-knit community together . When one of them wanted to build a house, they helped one another in order that the house could be stand out as soon as possible. THEY PULLED THEIR RESOURCES AND ENERGY TOGETHER SO THAT THE HOUSE COULD BE BUILT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. All in all, it is THIS SCENARIO MAKES IT clear that dependence on one another was a crucial need.

However, a As a consequence RESULT of THE development era, people are obligated to FELT THE NEED TO become an independent person. The immense competition among societies to get the job DONE is the main reason why this occurs. For instance, the daily needs force people to compete WITH each other to fulfiLl all of their necessaries NECESSITIES. This means that they have to enable to ARE ABLE TO pay more attention to themselves since no time to reckon another THEY DON'T HAVE TIME TO SOCIALIZE OR WORK WITH EACH OTHER. . Above all, to become an independent person is a must.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that it is true, the level of reliance was very high AT THAT TIME particularly to help each other. Yet, I would argue that an independent life teaches people to be closely ( CLOSELY WHAT?) with the good life.

COMMENT: REWORK YOUR CONCLUSION TO BE CLEARER AND MORE FORMAT RESPONSIVE. REMEMBER, 3 SENTENCES PER PARAGRAPH IS THE MINIMUM.

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Please take the time to read the various properly written essays that are available online. Learn how to develop your format and discussion based upon the previous and successful examples of essays based upon the prompts you are working with now. You can easily find sample essays based upon them online. If you read the samples first, you should be able to better develop your own essay both grammatically and intellectually.

Undergraduate / 'I am a meat-lover, one of those people who prefers non-vegetarian diet' - different beliefs essay [3]

Hardik, the information that you provide in this essay is really interesting to read. I consider it an eye opener specially since I did not stop to consider that plants could very well feel pain as well. I am sure that this will also catch the eye of the reviewer. It is a really good and debatable topic that should definitely leave the family meal table. However, I have a little comment regarding the information in the essay.

When you mention the information from the university, it does not come across as information that you could have shared at the meal table because it is too detailed and precise. It really has the feel and read of a researched response instead of some reason that you thought of on the fly. I think you should consider rewording that part, maybe even omitting the name of the university, in order to give it a smoother and more intertwined feel to the information. You want your essay to come across as natural as possible in presentation and message. The inclusion of the name of the university and the information from them made the paper suddenly take an academic turn when it should have a casual voice to it.

Overall, this is a pretty good essay that effectively discusses the prompt requirement. Aside from my suggestion about the research studies and the like, which I hope you will address, I believe that you have an essay that you should be proud to submit to the reviewer. It is clear, smooth, and informative. As a source of your background influences or family relationship, I think that you got the message across clearly. You come from a family of intellectual people who love a good debate when they can get one :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The Greatest Challenge for Parents Who Had a lot of Children [5]

Masdar, when you develop your opening paragraph, keep in mind the parameters that were set by the essay prompt. That means, you should detail your paragraph to introduce the topic for discussion and your opinion on the matter. When an essay asks you whether you agree or disagree with an opinion, make sure to indicate that reason at the beginning of the essay. That opinion will set up the strong foundation of the succeeding paragraph discussions. In this case, you did not accomplish that task. In fact, the opening paragraph does not relate at all to the prompt provided. Maybe there are instances when you feel that you are not sure of what the prompt is asking you to discuss. Since you are still doing practice essays, ask for explanations. That is one way to help develop your comprehension skills. It is better to ask questions than to deviate from the prompt. Once you deviate from the prompt, you are sure to fail the test.

Instead of discussing the challenges faced by large families, you should instead be using that paragraph to present the opposing discussion facts of the essay. By presenting the reasons that the opposition support a point of view you will be able to point out the weakness of their reasoning, which will then strengthen your own position in the discussion. So, you should be discussing the reasons that people believed that having a big family was advantageous or disadvantageous in the past. You should end the paragraph by introducing your disagreement or agreement with the discussion.

From that point, you will be discussing from a position of strength. Use the pronoun I whenever possible in order to give a sense of conviction and belief in what you are saying. Your conclusion should be easy from that point. All you have to do is wrap up the discussion with a summary and repetition of your point of view.