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Posts by Pahan
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Sep 1, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 1824  
From: Sri Lanka

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Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay : Living on campus [8]

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether students should live on campus or not. Some people would suggest that it is more healthier to live off campus. However, i personally believe that living on campus have more benefit for students during college in terms of saving economically and good studying environment.

Had you opened the essay with a hook, this would have been a perfect introduction :)

Firstly, it can be argued that students can save more money when living on campus .

... a very good point
First, living on campus is more cost effective. This helps students save money on room charges, utility bill payments such as electricity, Internet etc.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / TV & Movies have negative effects on children. [3]

Another reason is watching television and movies is the ways they can share their opinion about the world to their family members. And also, it is one of the ways to gather people in family after long day work. In this busy life, television and movies could be the easiest way to entertain and relax.

Where is the example? Make sure you provide a specific example to each reason you bring up to justify your position on the argument.

Besides those benefit of watching televison and movies in children, there are a few disadvantages. Watching too much television have bad effects on eyesight. For example, there are many young children having a bad eyesight because they are watching television all days.

... here you go :) .... this is the right way. Give your reason and support it with a specific example :)
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should government hold all the responsibility of society or even people are respon. [3]

government can't come to each and every individual every day and satisfy their needs and resolve their issues .

government has limitations in approaching people and satisfying their needs .

Every citizen should feel responsible and take care of other citizens around them and help them .

On the other hand, each citizen has a responsibility towards the society he or she lives in. This makes the citizens too responsible in taking care of their societal issues.

it is evident that from all discussion till now that

... I feel you can avoid this part
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Most of the people do not have adequate knowledge of the place they are traveling to [3]

First of all, I want to bring reasons that some people believe that the best way to travel is in a group led by a tourguidguide .

.... You should start with the reason because your body paragraphs should explain reasons for justifying your position. Don't drag it and come quickly to your reasoning;

First, travelers generally lack sufficient knowledge about the places they intend to travel. Therefore, travelling in a group led by a tour guide is very helpful for them to get the best experience and gain knowledge in a foreign country.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / It is important to have good person to be a good roommate - you have to stay with him for a while [2]

To begin with, good quality of roommate should be considerate person.

To begin with, a roommate should be a considerate person. If the roommate does not possess this quality it will be very difficult to share the room with him

Now you can have your example;

For example, if he would like to use my stuffs, he has to ask for my permission or just inform me to use it.

.... however, this talks about his discipline and not consideration. Considerate means that careful not to inconvenience or harm others. So, you should have cited something like;

For example, if my roommate shows more consideration when I fall sick, it is a great feeling. If he does not care about my sickness and expects me to make my usual contribution in cleaning the room, that puts me in great trouble.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Undergraduate / "Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities" - USC promt [2]

Ever since then my life has been revolving around hockey, at first I played street hockey while I was learning the game and taking classes for skating and other basic skill to play ice hockey.

... I think this sounds better if you split it to two sentences;
Ever since then my life has been revolving around hockey. First I played street hockey while I was learning the game and taking classes for skating and other basic skills to play ice hockey.

And this year I made it to the high school team
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay about capital punishment [6]

Capital punishment is a legal punishment with different kinds of methods like beheading; using lethal gases and etc. mostly are eliminated these days

... we cannot say they are completely eliminated. In some countries, beheading is still practiced. So, let's keep it open;
Capital punishment is a legal punishment with different kinds of methods like beheading; using lethal gases and etc. However, most of these punishments are not being practiced in today's societies.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Parents and adults should have a say in important decisions of teenage children [3]

First of all, parents know their teenager children, so they know which things are good or bad for them. One reason for this is they have a lot of experience in life and try that their children do not make their mistakes.

Well... you need to give prominence to the reasons you use to back your position in the argument. Here, the reasons are that parents are more matured and also understand their children better. So, let's put it this way;

First of all, parents are more experienced than their teenage children and also they understand the strengths and weaknesses of their children very well. Therefore, their decisions are not based on assumptions, but on practical experiences.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Man's Best Friend and Medicine; ESSAY ON ANIMAL THERAPY [4]

To counteract these discoveriesnew illnesses doctors and researchers fight for the growing human race to find new medicine, therapies, and solutions for these illnesses.

The doctors and researchers strive hard to find new medicine, therapies and various other solutions in order to arrest these new threats to the mankind.

As humans evolve through life and time, it is essential for survival to accept new solutions that are unfamiliar but effective.
Animal assisted therapy is an example offor a research proven effective therapy that is often times over looked, but has been helping people heal for many years
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Choosing and wearing clothes by high school students [7]

First, requiring students to wear uniforms, which makes them have the same appearance, is not an appropriate way to cultivate student's individuality.

.... try to have more prominence to the reason and then give more details about it;
First, uniform does not help develop students' individual personality because they get them share almost the same appearance.

First, requiring students to wear uniforms, which makes them have the same appearance, is not an appropriate way to cultivate student's individuality. People usually show their personality in wearing cloth, we can guess whether he is an outgoing person or a serious person by the way the dresses himself. However wearing in the same way makes students loosing their self-conscious gradually and limits their creativity.

Ok.... you have reasons, but you don't support them with specific examples. You should include examples in your body paragraphs to support your reasons and you will earn marks for them.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / knowing about the past cannot help people to make important decision today. [6]

In body paragraphs, you must first explain the reason why you support that position in the argument. Then you must support that reasoning with a specific example, as you have done above.

For example;
First, the mistakes happened in the past provides great insights for people in their continuous efforts towards success. Take Thomas Alva Edison for example. He had lots of unsuccessful attempts that taught him many lessons being finally successful with inventing the light bulb.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Schooling helps kids to learn socialism and other important lessons - in school [5]

"Life itself is the best teacher than any books" is thea well known saying.

.By stepping into outer world .Kids can learn many things such as how to get acquainted with other kids and new environment of school .

These are not two sentences, but one;
By stepping into the outer world, kids can learn important life skills such as how to get acquainted with other kids and work in teams.... of course this is very true :)
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / BABYSITTING; Narration of process essay [5]

As humans young and old we all well majority of us love babies.

.... This sentence has several problems;
"we all " and "well majority" together make no sense , this confuses the reader.
All of us, be young or old, love babies.

But all people can't babysit and take care of the baby/babies for a night.

...nice idea :D
However, it does mean that everybody loves to babysit of take care of them even a single night.

Simply because they don't have the necessary training or anything to know how to handle children or what to do when they cry besides throw a bottle in their mouth.

This is because it is not an easy task if you don't have the passion and the necessary training.
Pahan   
Oct 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Friends and family have a lot of topics to talk together and sharing their opinion when watching TV [11]

First of all, television is one of the ways that people can gain more knowledge and experience.

.... Very good point.

Therefore, they will have lots of stories from things that they have watched naming movies, news and television shows which they would like to tell to other people.

But, how you connect this idea to your previous statement? Rather, it is not done convincingly :(
First tell the importance of this and how people gain knowledge and experience.
To conclude, television becomes an important thing in our lives nowadays which have severaloffers many benefits to our lives.
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL INTEGRATED:The objectives of Dinosaurs' crests [5]

Can you give me a score, how much you want to give? (full of 15)

Wow.... this is really good writing. I will give you 14 out of 15 for sure :)

So, the lecturer perfectly refutes the theory of reading passage by showing his theories and reasoning.

Finally, the lecturer presents strong counter arguments and support them with specific examples and reasoning to the theories presented in the reading passage.

perfectly refutes

... I am also not in favor of this phrase :) ...and wish you use a different phrase ... :D
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Discuss the impact of the influx of immigrants and foreigners into Singapore. [4]

One such evidence of the frustration felt by the locals is the facebook group "I am tired of non-english speaking staff in singapore" which has gained thousands of supporters.... good point :)

Foreigners and Immigrants cause a strain on the local infrastructure, namelyespecially, in the areas of transportation and education.

Statistics have shown that foreigners and immigrants make up about 40 percent of the local population. This also means that disaster for local infrastructure for example, overcrowding in transport systems.

I wish you combined these two sentences to show as an example for your claim. Otherwise your flow breaks at this point;
Foreigners and immigrants being the 40% of the local population, there is not doubt about the impact they have imposed on deteriorating the standards of local transportation systems with issues like heavy usage of infrastructure and over-crowding etc.
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / The benefits of travelling for the traveller [4]

As a matter of fact people in late decade people are more inclined to travel than before.

... This is not a very clear sentence. The word "people" getting repeated too often and that confuses the reader. Which people, I mean people in the past or now, are more inclined towards travelling? I guess you want to say that people of the modern era are more towards travelling due to the development of transportation. But that sentence gives the impression that people in the past were more inclined towards travelling :(
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / In some countries most of the people prefer to rent a house rather than buy one [7]

However, there are negative aspects toin renting a house.

Sometimes, people living in a house not owned by themselves may feel no the sense of belonging.

.... very good point :)
In many instances, the people living in a rented house do not feel any ownership or sense of belonging of that house.

This may be caused by some potential uncertainties, such as the landlord breaks the contract suddenly or declines a renewal.

Now you need to tell what are the results of such feelings - you can say that they do not care about maintaining the property well, may not care about the neighborhood and disturb it with their activities since they are their for only a short term etc.

Also, don't forget to provide specific examples to all the reasons you provide.
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Government is not necessary since we can redress many problems by our own. [5]

Not only the disease, but also the natraulnatural catastrophe troublstroubles us.

.... hey.... you've got to be careful with your spellings because they also are an important aspect of writing. Also, there are no speller checker facilities at the exam , so you've got to be careful .:)

Not only the disease, but also the natraul catastrophe troubls us. A big volcanic eruption happened in Iceland in 2010, which due to problems in airline of the whole Europe .

.... what's the connection between natural catastrophes and the involvement of government? You always need to align your writing with the topic.
Not only epidemics, but also natural disasters can disturb our lives time to time. In such events, individuals themselves cannot handle and manage such situations on their own without the support of government involvement.
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Do the benefits of globalization outweigh the drawbacks? [2]

This is a good body paragraph where you explain the reason as to why you take that position in the argument and also support it with a specific example. Good job! Here are few suggestions, in view of improving the effectiveness of your sentences though your way too is not wrong :)

along with encouraging multi-million dollar companies to invest in less developed countries.

...along with encouraging multinational companies to invest in less developed countries.

An American company such as McDonald's, for instance, are opening nearly everywhere in the globe consequently promoting local jobs.

For instance, McDonald's, the American owned world's largest chain of hamburgers and fast food restaurants, provides many job opportunities for the local people wherever they are present.
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Undergraduate / I am from India, the 17th most diverse country in the world;Rutgers is a vibrant community [6]

These interests helped me communicate with people of different culture and ethnicity and to respect each and every individual as a whole.

These interests helped me communicate with people of diverse cultural backgrounds and ethnicity and thereby understand and accept cultural differences while appreciating co-existence.

As I got older, I began fascinating about the difference in other countries and my country

As I grew older, I began enthusiastic about learning the differences between my country and others.
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / GRE AWA Issue Analysis ; Studying major cities helps understand their society [6]

Studying major cities is crucial in understanding any societybecause of the population intensity.

.... the link between this act and the population is not properly established. The reader finds its difficult to connect the two :(

. Therefore, to a certain extent I agree with the statement,

.... this is your thesis statement and it is recommended to place your thesis as the final sentence in your introduction.
Like in any other general essay, it is good to open your introduction with a hook that grabs the reader's attention. Then discuss the background and finally express your opinion.
Pahan   
Oct 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Dancing plays an important role in a culture. [4]

First, dancing areis a significant part of culture that could show to something that people believe.

First, dancing is a significant part of any culture that features its beliefs and values and conveys them to its people effectively.

For example, some culture people believe that they dance in order to sacrifice please to their god so they will be get a happy life.

For example, in some cultures people believe that performing dances for the god shows their dedication to the god so that it would help them lead a happier life.

You need to pay attention to grammar and vocabulary. Keep practicing and posting your essays here. We'll help you with improving your writing :)
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY:WHAT CAN WE DO TO PROMOTE EQUALITY? [7]

Okkkkkk...let me ease dumi's work a little bit :D

Equality can be defined as a leveling process through which the differences between people are minimized. It is essential to achieve equality despite people's differences in terms of their nationality, voice, color, origin, religion, sex and age. To promote equality we need to provide equal and adequate opportunities and equal rights.

Yes, here you have a good hook which is;

Equality can be defined as a leveling process through which the differences between people are minimized

Now let's come to the background of the intro;

It is essential to achieve equality despite people's differences in terms of their nationality, voice, color, origin, religion, sex and age.

This is pretty good, but I (may be dumi too) feel you can align this more with the topic. Tell there is an issue that equality does not exist and we need to make some effort to bring it among people. The issue part is not properly conveyed to the reader.

To promote equality we need to provide equal and adequate opportunities and equal rights.

Since this is not an agree/disagree essay, this is fine for the conclusion of your intro.
Hope this helps you
You have excellent writing skills :)
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Should animals be used to research? [6]

According to the survey, many animals even kill themselves because the experiment is too painful. This clearly shows that our humans are abusing animals for our benefits which should be prohibited immediately.

Here you could have talked a bit about animal rights. This earth is the home for all living beings although we humans dominate everything here. So, talk about how we act unfairly and brutally towards other species. I am not an environmentalist, but I respect co-existence .... :)

Anyway, you write so well and really don't have to worry about this task. Are you getting ready for IELTS?
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others don't [8]

On the other hand, people think that Children who taught to work in teams are able to maintain good relations with others, accessaccept different points of view and present their opinions more confidently.

On the other hand, people think that Children who taught to work in team are able to maintain good relations with others, access different points of view and present their opinions. Moreover, they have abilities such as solidarity , tenderness and appreciation as well, which become advantages when children will enter to the adult world. In addition, work in cooperation easier and expedient because people can review a variety of ideas and offers, which brings beneficial results. But cooperation sometimes leads to conflicts between people, if there disagree with each other or argued because they have different minds and views.

This is good writing indeed. However, you need to give examples to the reasons you highlight in this paragraphs. It is an IETLS task requirement and you would earn marks on them.

Good writing :)
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Increased fees affecting demand for University degrees [5]

Nine times the affecteffect had put off the university students so this concluded to some students not being able to do their degrees.

Cost becoming nine times higher had given rise to a situation that many students may have to give up their degrees without completing.

Some students are able to pay for such an amount but for other students, they may no have the funds or requirements to do so.

.... I feel this is a repetition of the previous idea.
Although there may be some students who are able to afford such high school fees, there are many others who struggle to find financing for their education.
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL WRITING: In 20 years from now on, students will not use printed books any more. [6]

Moreover, some students claim that they prefer printed books than e-books because it's easy to take notes on paper. And more importantly, the electronic equipment doesn'tcannot be touched like a book.

Moreover, there are some students who have preference for the printed books over e-books. They find them easier to take notes. More importantly, they claim that the feeling these books provide is more personal than what they experience with electronic versions.
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Banning of Smoking in Public Places; 'smoke free environment' [3]

Smoking also affects the society

.... good or bad?
Smoking affects society in a negative way.

people is smoking publicly

...."people" is a plural word...so;
people are smoking

this will irrates the public

will irritate

However, there are some selfish and irresponsible smokers who like smoke everywhere regardless places.

However there are some selfish and irresponsible smokers who are not concerned about the place where they smoke.
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Undergraduate / What motivated you to apply to TFI and why is it important to you that you are accepted [3]

Ever since I was a child, it has been drilled into me that duty to your nation comes first.

Ever since I was a child, those patriotic feelings have been drilled into me that my nation gets highest priority over everything else.

Yes, like all among our age group,

Yes, like the majority of my age group

In 2011, I quit my job as a senior process associate; because I felt I just wasn't doing anything that another person could learn from

In 2011 I quit my job as a senior process associate because I felt I was not doing anything that another person could benefit from.
Pahan   
Oct 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Students' academic skills strongly reflect how their teacher helps them to promote their performance [4]

Have you been able to manage this essay within the allowed time frame? It looks pretty lengthy. If you were able to do so, then it's fine.

First of all, in practical terms,promotionteachers need some kind of promotion to makemakes themselves to put more efforts when theirthey teach the students

.... this sentence has lots of grammar issues.
First of all, in reality, the teachers need some sort of motivation to produce better results with their teaching.
I think you need to improve your grammar a lot.
Pahan   
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Studying abroad has become a very common phenomenon in the modern world - globalisation result [10]

Second, sharing a room with an American would help you learn how to adapt with people from different cultures properly

Narrow-minded people who never have a chance to live with foreigner likely to have a hard time adapt with people from different cultures.

Present this differently,
Such exposure may help one appreciate the other cultures and broaden his or her perspectives.

Living with American mates is an excellent chance to practice. Although living with mates from your own country would be easier because you didn't have to adapt to anything at all, you would lose these opportunities.

.... this is not an example to the reason you stated in the previous line. Now back it up with an example;
For example, I was able to change many misconceptions about Americans when I had the opportunity to share my room with an American mate during my undergraduate studies.
Pahan   
Oct 14, 2013
Scholarship / Help with Essay on a substantial commitment made, challenges faced and the outcome. [4]

Hence there were a lot ofescalations against these people for their work.The client we worked for demanded that all the employees be very fluent in written and verbal skills.

.... I think escalations is not the appropriate word here.... do you mean;
Hence there were many complaints over issues due to miscommunications, the client we worked with demanded that all our employees should be very fluent in English.

To reduce the amount of escalations, the team manager decided to employ a communications expert to help the team members.

This made our team manager to employ a communication expert to assist team members to enhance their linguistic skills in English.

The challenging part of leading your seniors

The challenge was to lead your seniors,
Pahan   
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged- IELTS [12]

Well, in the body paragraphs you need to justify your position by giving reasons as to why you hold that opinion. This does not seem to be a reason for justifying why you believe that people who lack computer literacy would be disadvantaged. Then you should support that reason with an example. The most important thing is that you need to have your writing aligned well with the prompt. For example you can say;

First, the computers are used in every little aspect in life. For example, suppose you need to book a train ticket in a rush. Then you can do that booking on-line using a computer. If you are not literate with computer usage, then you would run into lots of problems to perform that simple task.
Pahan   
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / New restaurant? My neighborhood would become more prosperous and people living here would be happier [5]

In that case, all these restaurants would hae to figure out ways to attract new customers and keep old ones.

In this set up, all the restaurants would need to change their current strategies in attracting clients for them due to high competition they will be facing.

They're going to examine their menu, food, and decoration and so on in order to earn profits and survive.

They will have to pay more attention to their menu, quality of food they serve, and create a great ambiance for their guests.
This situation may bring lots of benefits to the consumers.
Pahan   
Oct 14, 2013
Scholarship / Help with Essay on a substantial commitment made, challenges faced and the outcome. [4]

but couldn't communicate well because their grasp on the English language was not good.they were pretty weak in English language.

Since they always worked under time constraints, the recruiters always looked for knowledge rather than great communication skills.

Since these projects had major time constraints, the recruiters gave much less priority to great communication skills and placed a very high priority for technical knowledge and skills.

The client we worked for demanded that all the employees be very fluent in written and verbal skills.

However, our clients demanded that all our employees should be very fluent in both speaking and writing skills in English language.
Pahan   
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Family environment is the base for the children to be good members of society [3]

The family environment is the base for the children that parents should work hard to raise their children on good behavebehavior with love and acceptance.

Well... in the body paragraphs, you need to give reasons to justify your position in the argument. What is the reason here that you use to justify your moderate position? Give more emphasis to that;

First, it is the family that lays the foundation for the development of any child.
Now elaborate on this reason to align it more with your prompt;
Therefore, parents being the main players in the family set up have a great responsibility in shaping up desired behaviors of their children to become good members in society.

Now give a specific example to support the reason ( you haven't done this in the essay);
For example, if a father is an alcoholic and behaves bad in front of his children, then that situation may negatively affect his children's behavioral patterns too.
Pahan   
Oct 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / Studying abroad has become a very common phenomenon in the modern world - globalisation result [10]

...no issues friend :)
Let me help you with your body paragraphs too;

Firstly, communication aspect:

Don't end sentences abruptly. Be a little more descriptive;
First, associating with an American roommate would help you learning English much faster..... This is the actual reason. So start with that and give an example to support it.

They can decently speak English but definitely not as well as their mother tongue.

.... what do you mean by decently speaking?
My advice for your body para is to tell the reason first. Then give an example to support that reason. Avoid too much verbose and write to the point .
Pahan   
Oct 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'political stability': Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth [4]

Wealthy nation doesn't provide food and education to all the time for poorer nation.

Your body paragraphs should justify your position that you stated in the introduction. So, it is better if you start this body paragraph with the reason, instead of re-instating your position.

Why you say so? What is the reason for you to think like that.... you need to discuss them and support your reasons with specific examples.

For example Nepal can invest on hydro-power project and can generate revenue by selling electricity to the foreign countries. Government should actively participate in this kind of activities. Similarly green forest are the wealth of the nation. so government can utilizes the resources and and can establish schools and colleges. Government should develop tourism industry so that many people can get employment opportunities so that they can generate food themselves and can provide education to their children.

Reasons and examples should be in one paragraph. Limit one body paragraph for one reason and to its supporting example.
Pahan   
Oct 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; I'm on holiday and ask my friend to take care of my house and pet [4]

As dumi has already commented, you need to be more humble when asking help. So, you need to rephrase most of your sentences to adopt that tone in your letter.

I will come tomorrow at morning so you also have to stay at night

This sentence sound pretty rude. Also, the reader does not get any idea as to what you mean.

Please care my house and specially my cat.

Please take care of my house and especially my cat.

Anyone who visit my house tell him that I am outside of town and will come tomorrow.

If there will be any visitors, please tell them that I have gone out of town and will be back the next day.

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