Graduate / I always cherish the academic excellence moments in my school. Masters in Data Science application [3]

Chaitanya, since one of the purposes of your masters degree is for you to have a career change, you must open the essay with an explanation as to why you have decided to change your career at this point in your life. While a more in-depth discussion of that should be located in your personal statement, you still need to provide a summary of the reasons for your career change in the SOP. The SOP should contain the professional reasons as to why you want to make this change. Will it be for career advancement? Or will it just be based on the fact that you feel you majored in the wrong subject as an undergrad? Your purpose for the career change will be more convincing if it is related to a particular side of your profession that you are being hindered from entering due to the differing undergrad major that you completed.

This technically being a statement of purpose, your academic accomplishments should be limited to a single paragraph discussion that comprises your academic achievements as an undergrad and what your thesis was all about. The main focus of the essay should be on presenting the fact that even though you have a different major, your career opportunities prepared you for this change in career course. Indicate your current position, work experience, and any relevant training or seminars you have attended which can convince the reviewer that you have the proper foundation (sans your ugrad course) to help you complete the masters degree requirements. the reviewer isn't interested in your college accomplishments in as much as he is interested in learning whether or not there is a basis to believe that someone without a background in Data Science can actually succeed as a masters degree student in this field.

Writing Feedback / [task 1] map writing: arrangements in an American town between 1948 and the present year [3]

Hi Gang, I would like to respond to your question before I continue with further assessments of your essay. Since the year 2010 is in the past, you must use simple past tense to describe the elements from that part of the map. It is not considered the present year. If a discussion is to take place in the present year, the prompt will indicate that as "present, current, or ongoing" or some other word variation within the presentation. In this particular instance, you can assume that these changes have taken place in 2017 , as the prompt indicates and the present, so you must use present tense to describe the changes indicated. However, you must not make the mistake of using or mentioning the current year in the essay because there is no such assumption or presentation being made in the original prompt. The present is simply, the present, sans any actual reference to a time frame. These prompts are always recycled for use in review every year. The practice prompts do not change. These are only added to when some question is retired from the test pool. It is added to the practice pile. So there is a tendency for generic references to years in the essay prompts.

Let's work on improving your sentence presentations. Shall we?

Here can be found diverse changes.
- Diverse changes can be found in the second map.

They will be summarized
- These will be...

transport system goes unchanged whereas
-...system remains unchanged while...

...building beside IT have...

the northeast lies an industrial zone.
-... lay an industrial...

On the other side of the canal was ...
- The other side of the canal housed a large community housing estate

and the local supermarket has given way ...
- ... supermarket HAVE given...

church has vanished, with a sport ...
-The sports stadium has replaced the church.

The sentences that I corrected were only done in an effort to show you how you can create more impressive complex sentences using lesser words. You don't need to be extremely wordy in these essays provided you have the vocabulary and sentence development know how to create "native" sounding sentences that the native English speaker can easily understand. Even with these slight sentence issues, you still have the potential to deliver a level 9 essay here. Your work falls under the required criteria.

Undergraduate / Personal statement about the reason why I chose marketing -UK PS [4]

@Yunqian Gan There are a number of elements that not important in this personal statement. You can remove these 3 paragraphs without affecting the overall presentation of the essay. Our aim is to remove the paragraphs in order to create a more fluid and better presented essay on your part. You should remove paragraphs 1, 2, and a portion of paragraph 6. You should remove the following parts from paragraph 6: "Attending an international school have been truly fruitful... In addition to other subjects" You should start with "I am currently studying..." because that is still within the discussion parameters of a personal statement. Since you have freed up space within the essay, you must add the missing element at the moment. A personal statement is never complete with a discussion as to why you chose to study in the university of your choice in Britain. You do not have to discuss why you chose to study in Britain in general. It is the information about what influenced your choice of university that matters more. That should be your second to the last paragraph in the essay.

Scholarship / Starting a sports social enterprise - Post study career plan question for Chevening scholarship [4]

Imran, this is a very well developed essay that clearly shows how the UK interests in your country will be promoted and how you will be able to help assist in developing the training programs there as well, with the help of your UK education. However, I don't think that you should wait until the last part of the essay to mention the DFID interests in the country. Since you are planning to establish a sports organization in your country upon your return, why don't you try to see if you can seek funding from a UK based organization for it? Find a UK based sponsor who might be able to have a permanent interest in this program you will be starting. Maybe the DFID can help you out in that aspect. The earlier you can involve the UK organization in your post study plans, the better your essay will be received as an applicant submission. I would not change anything in the essay. I just want you to improve upon an already excellent plan for your return home. I am sure Chevening will be highly receptive to your plans if you can give the UK a more prominent role in these career objectives of yours.

Scholarship / Chevening - Networking skills (Empathy as a good skill for networking) [4]

Janet, there is no professional networking skill, or any networking skill for that matter, indicated in this essay. What you have written is somewhat applicable to leadership and influencing, but still cannot be used because it is not a professional experience. This is purely academic and is not usable as a basis for a Chevening essay. When the prompt speaks of networking, it wants to know how you have managed to do your job all these years. Who were the people, organizations, associations, or other important factors that contributed to your success. How do you manage to gain help from other people in the business? How do you keep in contact with them? Do you think they will be useful to your career in the future? Explain why. Then finally, convince the reviewer that this particular network that you have can enhance the Chevening experience because you will be more happy to share this network with them. You can always refer to the other networking essays as samples in this forum so that you can at least have a guide in developing your own networking presentation.

Scholarship / Networking requires to be engaging and communicate your thoughts while still listening to others [3]

Tasha, you have forgotten the most important aspect of a masters degree application. All of your academic contacts are no longer relevant. They are not applicable to your scholarship application because they are not related to the current profession that you are working in. That is why I was astounded when you spend so much time in writing this essay about your high school and college contacts when the Chevening scholarship networking prompt very clearly indicates the need for a "professional network". Therefore, the network that you did not discuss, the one related to your being a pharmacist and trainer for pharmacy technicians is what you should have been presenting and building upon in this essay. You wasted so much space on irrelevant networks. Focus on your professional network because that is the network that Chevening is interested in having you share with the other scholars who are in the same field as your own. Delete this essay and write a totally new one. One that accurately portrays how you developed, built, and cultivated your professional network in order to make your work easier or to give you an opportunity at higher positions on the job. Then explain why you are eager to share this network with the other Pharmacist scholars of Chevening. Only then will you have developed an essay that properly represents itself in the way that the prompt requires.

Scholarship / The power of having good relationships can open doors. Networking essay for Chevening scholarship [3]

Cecilia, Chevening is not asking for evidence that you are able to create networks. It is asking for evidence of how you build, cultivate, use, and enhance those networks. Based on the Chevening criteria, you have not supplied me with any notable or usable networks. You have only given me a run down of the seminars you have attended and what kind of experience you had at these seminars. Attending a seminar does not mean a usable professional network was built. It just means that you met people working in the same field. It is only when you call upon these people that you met, in order to fulfill a job requirement, and then they are able to to help you complete your task or put you in touch with a person who can help you with your mission, that a network is created. There is absolutely no evidence of a usable network in your essay. It does not follow the correct presentation requirements. You must show how you use the networks and build upon them because as a Chevening scholar, 2 things will happen for you. First, you will inherit an innumerable international network from people who came before you to the scholarship program. They will be your mentors. Next, your network must be usable for the previous, present, and future batch of scholars because you will be mentoring those people as well. That is why you are being asked to define how your current network can be shared with Chevening. Something that you did not even bother to discuss in this essay even though it is a prompt requirement.

Scholarship / CHEVENING CAREER PLAN; Upon returning home first I wish to work with a high reputation Architectural [3]

Emmanuel, an effective Chevening post study plan always includes a reference to the UK projects in your country. Now, since you plan on joining the UN SDG program, you are going to be in a very good position to indicate a specific UK based project in your country. It could be in the development of architectural designs for the countryside, the improvement of building designs built on a budget by the UK in Nigeria and Africa, or a number of other UN - UK based development considerations for your country. Your plans are highly impressive, but all selfish plans. The Chevening scholarship committee needs to know that you also have a sense of respect and love for your country by having a desire to help improve its status on the world stage. The UK is normally a partner in that aspect which is why you are asked to justify your post study plans in relation to the UK interests in your country. Revise the essay to include those plans. Without it, your essay may not receive full consideration should you be lucky to reach the final stage of interviews.

Scholarship / To establish schools and hospitals in Ghana. Career plan essay for the Chevening award. [3]

Janet, your personal plans for your career are very well represented in this essay. However, your love of country is not well represented because you are not indicating a desire to help your country improve its pension system through a cooperation with an existing UK government project in your country in relation to your profession or the pension system of Ghana. Do not focus so much on explaining the importance of your studies to the pension system. Rather, focus on discussing how you can collaborate with UK based organizations that have a project or advocacy related to your future career interests. That is not an option. That is a requirement. In most instances, I tell the students to first research the UK connection to their post study profession. Find the strongest link possible, the build your essay around that collaboration. Presenting your post career plans should tie directly into that research. At this point, your presentation is impressive but missing requirements. As such, it will be weakened in terms of presentation and consideration should you reach the final round of considerations.

Scholarship / Networking as the ability to establish contact with other people and maintaining good relationships [3]

Emmanuel, this is an extremely weak networking essay. There is nothing in your narration to indicate that clear networks were created, achieved, used, and maintained throughout a period of time. You always imply a network but never really support it with evidence that shows the current status of this network. Your social networking reference sounds more like an academic exercise in leadership and influencing rather than a networking example. Your professional network makes it sound like you only join conferences but you do not really create any networking connections, nor do you use these contacts in your professional life. So this is a useless representation that only narrates the conferences you attended, not the networks that you have been using to heighten your career profile. You need to refer to the networking examples on this forum in order to find the more appropriate networking representation for your essay. As of now, you do not have a networking essay. You just have a summary of conferences attended.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the influence of the internet [4]

Ainur, there is a lack of clarity in the presentation of your essay. Don't get me wrong, I can somehow grasp the concept of the discussion and some of the points you are trying to make. The problem is that you did not properly develop your pre-writing style and outline prior to your actual writing. These are the reasons why your essay seems to be all over the place and without a proper direction.

The pre-writing considerations allow you to present all of the ideas that you want to present in your essay. Everything from A-Z may be presented at this stage. In the next stage however, you will need to whittle those ideas down. When you start to outline your work, you will need to consider the following:

1. What is your thesis statement?
2. Why do you think this topic of importance?
3. Do you have access to the necessary files for this research?

After you figure out those first 3 questions, you can begin to outline your research discussion:

1. State your thesis statement
2. Objective statement
3. Discussion 1 with evidence
4. Discussion 2 with evidence
5. Personal opinion (if required)
6. Concluding statement

What i presented above is a simplified version of a topic outline. It can work for your purposes because you just need to practice writing a research paper. When you finally write a real research paper, you will need a far more intricate outline. Use the above examples as your guide from when you write another paper. You should have some content improvement or focused discussion by that time.

Writing Feedback / Information concerning the production of oil in six different countries from 1990 to 2010. IELTS 1 [2]

Reinhardt, your sentence presentations do not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement, which is why your essay automatically fell under the word count. Since it fell under the word count, the examiner will give you an automatic failing score. You must always provide 3--5 sentences in each paragraph in order to at least qualify for further content consideration since you fell under the minimum word count. That means you need to follow a certain format for each paragraph in order to properly meet the minimum scoring requirements. While some suggest the A+E+E approach to writing these task 1 essays, I prefer a more personalized method that goes like this:

1. Summary overview. In this section, you can write at least 4 sentences based upon the following criteria: topic for discussion based on type of chart, reason for the discussion, measurements provided, basis of measurements, and discussion instruction. One sentence each, one complete paragraph for scoring.

2. At this point, you will have to pick the discussion style that best suits the information you were provided. In this instance, I noticed that it there are chart indicators of similarities between 2 countries. So a comparative discussion would be better for the discussion as you can indicate how the countries have similar oil production capacities based on the yearly comparison.

3. In this paragraph, you could have discussed Saudi Arabia and the reasons why it stands out in production. Since it has the highest ratings for production measurements, it stands to reason that it should have its own discussion presentation.

You can actually score quite well with this essay based upon the 3 paragraph, comparative format I suggested above. You don't need a conclusion because that is optional and a trending statement is not required either because there is no clear trend in the manufacture of oil. those are 2 paragraphs not need needed to score well in this presentation type.

Scholarship / Learning and gaining experience participating in various British courses [6]

Adil, your presentation is too summarized to give the reviewer a complete idea as to why you chose the individual universities. Do not summarize the discussion even though they apply to all your ideals for choosing these courses. Explain what specific parts of the core curriculum attracts you to the course. Why at this university? It isn't enough that the universities are internationally known and that two of them are located in central London. You have to base your choice of university on teaching specifics and training opportunities. How else can the reviewer decide, based upon your submitted documents, which university you are truly suited for? Remember, even with an early acceptance, Chevening reserves the right to choose your university of attendance. So be specific in your discussion. If you are leaning towards attending a particular university then make that your first choice and strengthen your reasons for wishing to attend that university in particular. Spread out your presentation with regards to your educational and professional background. Use the professional aspect at the start because that ties in with your course choices. Place your academic foundation as the closing remarks because by then, you will already discussed your future plans and the education will best support those claims when placed in that section.

Scholarship / Chevening will allow me to hone my leadership as I met other leaders from the Chevening community [4]

Alvin, target a professional response to this essay. Clarify why you were forced to handle the situation between the contractor and the security guard. What was your leadership capacity in that instance? While you did show a leadership ability when you managed to diffuse the situation. You were not able to display the correct influencing technique because the tension between the guard and the contractor still exists. If you can somehow rephrase that to make it appear that you were able to influence both parties to let the miscommunication go as a small oversight, then that would be a better example of your influencing skills in this instance.

Now, as the substitute leader, there is no need to inform the reviewer that there were two of you doing this task. Focus only on your participation in the leadership angle. The discussion of this is too short in this paragraph. Add another conflict resolution story to this if you can or, any other story that will support your claim as a leader and influencer at least among your co-workers. That will be a good start for your new draft. Since this is an application essay, do not say "In conclusion", rather simply close the essay in a straightforward manner with "I still need to develop..."

Writing Feedback / The graphs below presents data about computer ownership as a percentage of the population, 2002-2010 [5]

Ben, you cannot score higher than a 4 with this essay because of the way that the format of the essay is presented. In terms of scoring considerations, your Task accuracy is severely flawed due to the fact that you did not accurately paraphrase and summarize the discussion at this point. Therefore, you were not able to properly explain to the reader what the diagram is all about and why it is important to share these facts, as well as make comparison points. This is the reason why the ideas that you present the essay lack a clear paragraph development in its explanation. Leaving the reader hanging as to the more accurate presentation of information based on the chart that you saw.

Remember that the assumption is that the reader does not have access to the image. So the more complete your image presentation in the analysis, the more accurate the information you present, the better your score will be. You don't really have the capacity to develop more than simple sentences in this essay. That is because you kept your sentences long, rather than short. When you present shorter sentences, the ability to develop a more complex presentation becomes higher.

While you can write the WT1 essay without a conclusion, you may also write it with one. The conclusion is actually optional and should only be (optionally) presented if a trending discussion is not presented in the summary overview. Basically, you should get a decent score if you manage to write well developed paragraphs in the essay within 4 paragraphs at the most.

Scholarship / Beside assertive and bold, leaders should also listen the more experienced and knowledgeable [6]

Hidaya, the leadership examples that you provide are not very impressive. Both your professional presentations are light and unimpressive due to the workplace situation you were handling at the time. Simply explaining a situation and handing over a written explanation does not prove leadership nor influencing skills. Neither does volunteering to appear on television. You need heavier examples of your leadership and influencing skills. Don't even think about falling back on your academic leadership proofs because that is not considered a true test of leadership and influencing abilities due to the controlled setting of the situation. As a logistic Pharmacist, did you encounter any problems with regards to the procurement of hospital medicines? Was there any instance when you had the influence the supplied towards delivering stocks early for a highly important reason? If you answer yes, then that is an example of influencing skills. With regards to leadership, try to consider an office situation where you had to take your staff to task and get them to work together to solve an office problem or a situation between two warring staff members. That would be a better example of a leadership skill than you have now. This essay will not pass the first round of considerations. You need to strengthen it and make sure that you present your skills in a notable manner.

Scholarship / My long-term goals are based on the experience I am looking forward to gain - Chevening [5]

Hadeer, this essay is pretty much complete and only needs little development and proof reading. Please double check for missing punctuation marks and revise all sentences that start with "And". This is an academic essay and therefore, must follow the proper grammar rules when it comes to writing. You cannot start an academic sentence with "And" since that is a connecting word. Do not start two successive paragraphs with the word "Further" because that creates a redundancy. It creates reader boredom. You can start the next sentence simply with "To achieve this role..." Try to better develop your reference to the UK priorities in your country by making the DFID statement a separate paragraph. Develop that discussion because that is one of the major considerations for your post study plan. The stronger the UK connection, the better for your application consideration. You obviously have some pretty strong career plans and ideas as to how to achieve them. That is admirable of you. Just clean up the points I mentioned and the essay should be good to go.

Writing Feedback / Living in a big city is more convenient and easily to find better jobs than in a suburban area [6]

H Anh, I believe that this is your first time writing an IELTS Task 2 essay for this forum right? In that case, I will not score your essay just yet. What I would like to do, is assist you in developing the proper format for this essay. As it is at the moment, there are a number of problems in relation to the formatting and discussion of your work. Let me explain things to you in a more detailed manner.

Your Task Accuracy score will come from the first paragraph that you write. In this paragraph, you should not begin the discussion of the prompt. This is always allotted for your proof of English comprehension skills. So the main requirement is that you accurately restate the prompt topic and instructions within 5 sentences. Let me show you an example based upon this prompt:

Before people began to live in urban cities, they used to live in tightly knit, small communities. Due to the change in residential preference, from small to large, people now tend to not know who their neighbors are, when compared to the less populated towns. Each living style has its own advantages and disadvantages. I will present a discussion of both sides in this essay.

Notice how I did my best to stay as close to the original prompt presentation while using various versions of the keywords "small vllages" and "large cities"? This presentation has a purpose. I am trying to show the examiner that I not only understand what the topic for discussion is and how I am expected to discuss it, but also, that I have a wide range of English vocabulary that will allow me to vary my presentation while keeping the original meaning of the term. That is how you score better in the TA section.

Since this is not an opinion essay but rather a general discussion presentation, there is no need to use personal phrases such as "In my view". The expectation is that you will present popular opinions and evidences in this discussion. So a personal connection to the statement being made is not required.

More importantly, you must understand that you are scored considerably in the C&C and GRA section. These two sections are practically scored hand in hand. So you need to make sure that you offer the requirements of the paragraphs, without over doing it. That means, you only present one topic as the reason in the discussion, then follow it up with public opinion and general examples in order to support the argument you are presenting. With a 5 sentence maximum requirement per paragraph, you really do not have room to present more than one topic for discussion. The clarity of your explanation is more important than the number of reasons you provide in a single presentation.

Do not use special characters such as ellipses (...) in the essay. That removes the academic tone of the presentation. Punctuation marks like that are used only in creative writing essays. Try to cut your sentences into short presentations instead of as run-on sentences divided only by commas. That causes undue stress on the reader and lowers your GRA score immensely.

In the conclusion, you made a prompt deviation by saying "I think these disadvantages are outweigh advantages". The purpose of the closing statement is the same as the opening statement. Only this time, you restate the important discussion points from your presentation. It is still paraphrasing so you cannot continue the discussion nor create a prompt deviation in that paragraph. You will lose major points for that in the TA section.

I decided to point out the problem points of your essay rather than reviewing the content and grammar problems of your work. That is not our major concern at this moment. What we have to make sure of right now, is that you learn how to properly develop this type of essay discussion for your scoring benefit.

Scholarship / University of Brighton, Edinburgh and Loughborough University - UK courses related to sport [3]

Imran, your essay is almost perfect. I would not change anything within the presentation. I would however, add something to the presentation. This particular essay prompt asks you to establish your academic, as well as professional basis for your interest in these university masters courses. Since you opened the essay with an extremely summarized overview of your professional training and concerns within your profession, it only stands to reason that you will close with the same type of academic summary. The academic summary is a requirement of the prompt that helps to prove that you have the academic foundation, along with your professional experience, to deal with the demands that any of these courses shall bestow on you. Therefore, you need to create the appropriate closing paragraph. Or, if you wish, you may write an academic introduction for yourself, making that your opening statement, then closing with the professional presentation instead. Either way, you will need to create the academic reference as part of your prompt responsiveness. You cannot present an essay with a missing prompt reference.

Scholarship / The leadership for me is inherent as I strive to change the world around me [9]

Oragudosi , as far as I know, your particular expertise is not one of the supported fields of study in the Chevening course listing. Therefore, I am not really confident that you will gain the scholarship that you are applying for. However, just because we aren't sure of something, doesn't mean we can't try. So try we will, to create an essay that is worthy of the criteria set by Chevening in terms of leadership and influencing.

Let's take the first paragraph as it is. Don't change it. I think it works well for the opening statement of the essay. The second paragraph will not work. Remove it. The Chevening reviewer is not interested in your academic achievements. He is looking for the next leader and influencer in your country. An academic accomplishment doesn't ensure that. In fact, I am a bit worried that your undergraduate degree might hinder your ability to qualify for the scholarship because, in all honest, it is lightweight and is not part of the priority course of Chevening. Now, while they will consider your application, you need to be of exemplary achievement in this field and actually have some sort of leadership and influencing recognition on a local government or national scale to even be potentially considered for the scholarship.

Try to strengthen the presentation of your work on the Nollywood sets instead. Try to present a clear leadership and influencing style in this area. I am absolutely lost as to how you might be able to do this because of the simplicity of your profession when compared to the other applicants for the scholarship but if you can try to create a moment of leadership and influencing for yourself within the profession, then you just might be able to make it work for the application.

Skip the presentation about the mandatory National Youth Service. It is not profession related and the discussion doesn't really flow with the previous parts of the essay. As for the community theater, unless you actually started your own theater and spearheaded the community drives, It isn't going to work. There is too much team effort in the paragraph for it to be cast as an individualized leadership and influencing aspect of your profession. The fact that it is academic based is enough to have it removed as a potential presentation, but you should at least try to frame it in a manner that just might make it usable for your essay needs.

Scholarship / In networking terms, what matter is quality rather than quantity. Networking essay for Chevening [3]

Dewi, I do not know where you got the idea that quality of contacts is more important than quantity. Both are of equal importance because if you only have one set of contact to speak of, as you do in this essay, then you cannot honestly say that you have a true network in place that can help you advance your career or assist you in certain aspects of your career that this single contact may not be able to help you with. That is why this essay will not work. You need to show how you interconnect within your workplace to various other companies and organizations that are related to your profession. You cannot rely on just one visit from 2 people with the same interest in your company and call that a network. That was a client call, not a networking event. So you need to come up with at least 1 or 2 more career related contacts to represent a full network that you are cultivating, using, and sharing with Chevening in the future. You forgot that part didn't you? That is why you cannot say that one contact creates a network. Chevening has an existing network of international organizations, associations, and offices through their graduate scholars. The essay that you are presenting will not be able to compete with the other networking essays that indicate numerous important contacts within varying fields and professions coming from other applicants. Review the other networking essays here so you will see what you are up against and why you need to have more than one simple contact represented in your essay.

Scholarship / Why I have chosen the three university courses in the United Kingdom? Chevening application [3]

Wael, this is not the proper way to write this essay. You must open it with an explanation of your professional skills that have led to your interest in these 3 universities and courses. Then, you must indicate each university and course in a separate paragraph. Support that presentation with an explanation of your academic foundation in relation to the course, what your current, applicable training in your profession is, and how you hope to have the course improve your career opportunities in the future. Do not give the reviewer one tremendously long, ill formatted essay to read and then hope that he can understand what you are talking about. If you are unsure as to how to present this essay, then look at the readily available examples at this forum. Read the suggestions made for the same essays and use that information to help you revise your own response essay. Believe me when I tell you that this essay cannot be used with this prompt. You must delete this essay and start writing a new, more appropriate one.

Scholarship / It is very important to be influenced by an ideology to be able to influence the others. [4]

Sumama, there is no need for the family background explanation in this essay. That is irrelevant to your leadership and influencing skills. Try to develop a new opening statement instead that shows off your potential as an influencer in your country at the age of 16. Your accomplishment in the leadership areas for this organization are notable and highly impressive. It is sure to make the reviewer think about your application deeply. However, he might be held back by the fact that you make the job that you did sound so easy. There was no conflict for you to resolve and no influence that needed to be exerted. It is almost as if the establishment of this program was just something that came naturally. Do not try to impress him with that. Instead, impress him with your problem solving skills that required you to directly inspire or influence people into thinking the same way as you so that the project could proceed. Be realistic in your presentation. What problems arose that required your leadership skills? Why did you have to influence certain people at certain points? Show the reviewer that you have the ability to lead and influence. Don't make it seem like everything just happens to easily for you. Nobody will believe that. The end result is admirable. The story about how you got to that result is inspirational. That is what the reviewer is looking for.

Scholarship / Giving a good example to other members and posessing a capability to manage people; Leadership [3]

Shaquila, this is not an impressive leadership and influencing example. You are being looked to by the scholarship as a potential leader and influencer in your country. That means, they want to see evidence of these two skills in a workplace or national level. Not as part of some academic extra curricular activity. While I can understand why you are extremely proud of this accomplishment and why you would wish to use it as a response to this prompt, the truth of the matter is, your accomplishment in this aspect cannot compete with the top level executives, country politicians, military experts, and other notable applicants for this scholarship. They always present true leadership and influencing skills that make a difference in the country, not in the student community. I am sure you can see why your essay will not be able to compete on that level and why there is a need for you to at least present these skills based on your professional skills instead. If you cannot present it in a manner that will allow it to be noticeable over the more experienced and already up and coming leaders of various countries, then you will not even make it past the first round of considerations.

Writing Feedback / There is a lot of information in each country that becomes accessible if you know their language. [2]

You must never begin the discussion of the essay with a representation of information that is not located in the original prompt. The first paragraph is solely dedicated to the paraphrasing of the original prompt. This is the part of the essay that can make or break your score. If you properly represent the prompt requirements, without adding information not located in the original prompt, then you will get a higher score in the TA section. A high score in the TA section almost always means that you will at least get a passing score for the test. Be careful of your vocabulary usage. "Fell" instead of "Feel" means points deductions in the LR section. Good work on this essay though. I believe that it can gain a more than average passing score had this been an actual test. Your point deductions would have been minimal. Be careful with those points that I mentioned in your next practice test.

Scholarship / Emissions of air pollutants from transport in Karachi - focus on clean technology in vehicles [3]

Faray, this essay needs edited. You must consider that this is a post study plan and yet you are not really discussing a proper post study / career plan. Remove the references to childhood and living in Karachi. Don't refer to what you want to focus on when you study in the UK (that is a pre-study plan), and don't discuss the importance of electric vehicles either. Your essay should begin with your career plans for when you return.

Start the essay from the point where you said "After returning to Pakistan..." Leave the PhD discussion out of the presentation as that will require more than 5 years of career planning on your part. At that point, your Chevening relationship will be long gone and possibly no longer related. Talk instead of how you plan to grow your career within 5 years after your return.

Additionally, you have to look for a UK government sponsored project in your country in relation to alternative energy resources or car manufacturing that you can assist in or join. Remember, the essay asks you to based your post study plan in the involvement of the UK in projects related to your country's development. So you cannot skip representing that part in your essay. In fact, it is the highlight of the essay and should be given ample attention over your PhD presentation.

Undergraduate / Congressional Nomination Essay: Why I want to attend a Service Academy [2]

Celina, I strongly suggest that you remove the reference to your experience as a 7 year old stepping onto the flight deck of the carrier. Reviewers consider these sorts of depictions as exaggerations on the part of the applicant. I am not saying that you are exaggerating as you may very well be telling the truth about what inspired you to apply for the academy, but the reviewer may have a different take on that presentation. You know what? Even if you remove that paragraph, the overall essay will not be affected because the second paragraph is a tremendously strong representation of the reasons why you want to attend the academy. It shows a love for country and others in a manner that strengthens the desire you have to serve. That is something that will impress the reviewer. The 7 year old story won't be able to accomplish that. It is not as effective a hook as the second paragraph. Basically what I am trying to say is that the essay is actually good and ready for use. You just need to remove the part I mentioned because it will not help your application move forward.

Writing Feedback / Where there is no struggle, there is no strength. An essay for financial assistance. [4]

Aundra, I am not sure about how to help you with this essay because you have not given me any instructions for it. For instance, what scholarship or financial assistance program are you applying to? What are their requirements for this essay? I need to know what the main purpose for the essay is, as per the instructions of the institution you are applying to, what their requirements are, and how it is to be presented. That way I can review this extremely long and very ill formatted essay in a manner that will reflect the requirements that are required of you. There are a lot of things going against this essay. The first is, your pleading comes across as exaggerated. You need to be formal at all times in an essay such as this one. You also use caps lock to emphasize points. That is not really something that the reviewers appreciate when they read these essays. Simple discussions in proper upper and lower case formats are more accepted. Try to split up your essay into paragraphs. The way you have it written, it is not only difficult to read, but it is even harder to keep track of the discussions. I will wait for your instructions about how to write this essay then we can probably create a better version of it together.

Scholarship / Building a strong networking skills - Chevening essay on networking [3]

Mudiare, whatever you do, do not remove the reference and explanation with regards to LECAN. That is the foundation of your networking skill and is vital to the essay. Explain its importance to the reader because he will not be familiar with the group but, upon your explanation, he will understand how important this network is to the accomplishments of your tasks within your profession. What I would like you do instead of removing the LECAN reference is to try and find a different network to refer to that is an offshoot of this membership. LECAN has given you access to a number of profession related associations so I can't understand why you are referring to a relationship with a vendor as the extension of your LECAN contacts. You need to refer to another organization affiliated with LECAN instead. Talk about how that network was created through the LECAN commonality. Based on your relationship with these 2 networks, how has your career improved? What situations were you able to resolve through these contacts? What have you done to continue to cultivate your relationship with them? Make sure that your current relationship with these networks sound alive and usable. The kind that you can call upon at a moments notice if need be. Then explain the importance of the second organization to your profession. That way, when you discuss the Chevening scholars and how these contacts will be useful to them, it will be very obvious that the network will truly be of benefit to Chevening and its scholars.

Undergraduate / U Chicago Debate Essay - Rise of Anti Intellectualism [3]

Cole, if the issue at hand is the rise of anti-intellectualism, then do not open the essay with discussions about global warming and anti-vaccination beliefs. Rather, stick to the debate topic and insert anti global warming and anti vaccination into the discussion as supporting examples at proper points within the debate. If you present your supporting evidences up front and then discuss the debate topic at the end, you will end up losing the debate because you concentrated too much on discussing your evidence, which deviated from the actual discussion. So work those evidences into the argument. Expect the arguments from the other side and counter argue within your essay using those discussions that you presented. Don't show all of your cards upfront, make the reader wonder how you plan to counter move on certain debate points. I don't see you doing that in this written debate. Try to expect the illogical arguments from the other side. Ask others to read your paper. Consider their questions and work those into your essay as "expected" opposition arguments that you will be "countering" in your statements. That will make this presentation much stronger than the version you have now.

Scholarship / Organizational Psychiatry and Psychology, Business Psychology courses: Studying in the UK [3]

Binari, you have obviously given a great deal of thought towards your university and course choices. Each paragraph contains a specific analysis of the course and an applicability towards your future career. All except your third choice. It seems that was an oversight on your part so all you have to do is add one or two sentences that will help you accomplish that. If it makes you run over the word count, then you can edit your final paragraph to become shorter so that you can meet the word requirement. After all, the global network reference should not be presented in this essay but in your networking essay instead. Overall, this is a solid piece of writing with some grammar issues which have already been addressed by Mariam. So I will not work on helping you correct that anymore. Apply both Mariam's and my advice to your revised essay in order to come up with your polished final version. It will be suitable for submission to the Chevening committee when you complete the two tasks provided to you by our individual advice.

Undergraduate / Mother - the person whose persistence and selflessness shape my every move. [3]

Alina, in my honest opinion, the essay is fine. It is the prompt that is the problem. At this point, you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The discussion is one that does not portray itself in the best manner for the prompt because it is not the kind of story that can be used for it. However, you can use it for the open topic prompt that asks you to:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

If you can just make some simple adjustments to the content as in clarifying what it is that you were doing that caused injuries to your toes, I am guessing this was a ballet class or something? Then the purpose of the realization you are speaking of becomes better tied in with the inspiration that your mother and your experiences in life have offered you.

Undergraduate / College essay on moving from one place to another back to back and my experience with it [5]

Rishan, there is something highly familiar about this essay. I seem to recall having edited this exact essay about a year or so ago at this forum. Are you reapplying to college using the same essay? Did you have a profile here before that was suspended and you got a new profile so you can get free advice again? Please be honest with me here. I need to know if this is your original work or if you plagiarized this essay. With regards to the essay, it does not fit the prompt. It would be better if you changed it to the prompt that asks:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

This is less of an obstacle story and more of a background narrative. That is why I am suggesting the prompt change. If you wish to use this essay, then you will have to use a different prompt. If you want to use the prompt, then you have to change the essay.

Scholarship / CHEVENING LEADERSHIP; I have always disliked mediocrity and have loved excellence in everything I do [5]

Emmanuel, we have a one essay per thread policy in this forum so you will only be getting one review from me for the leadership essay. I have to ignore the rest of the essays that you wrote because multiple postings are against forum policy and as such, will be deleted accordingly by the admin.

In this essay, if you cannot expand the discussion to illustrate your leadership and influencing skills, then you should not mention it anymore. I refer specifically to the Nation Youth Service that happened in 2016/17. In reality though, this being your most recent foray into leadership and influencing, you should be expanding upon that discussion more than the Nigeria Christian Corpers Fellowship and your being an Evangelism Zonal Coordinator. The second experience is detailed enough to prove leadership and influencing. The more recent one, has the potential to make a solid presentation in your essay. I suggest that you consider doing so.

The 2016 activity related to the Sustainable Development Goals project sounds promising in terms of your leadership and influencing skills as well. I strongly urge you to just use the aforementioned 2 projects in this essay. Revise it to sound more interesting and so that you can highlight your appropriate skills in the essay. With the word count freed up from the removal of the unimportant presentations, you should be able to easily accomplish this task.

Scholarship / My desire to help the vulnerable. Chevening essay question on leadership and influencer requirement [3]

Janet, this essay is too wordy and over the 500 word limit. You need to shorten your presentations in order to make it more interesting to read. Omit the mention of the times when your undertakings failed because that is not the trait of a future leader and influencer, which is what this essay is all about. You need to portray yourself in the best light as a successful leader and influencer within the various socio-civic groups that you are a member of. Speaking of which, why is your essay focused on civic deeds instead of professional accomplishments? Do you not have any work at the moment or is this socio-civic thing your main profession? It would do your essay well if you can explain why you are referring to civic work for your leadership and influencing experience. It just might make your essay stand out among the other applicants. You can omit the sentence about "I may not have started the initiative..." because it does not seem to be related to the previous paragraph. It can be removed in order to bring additional strength to your last paragraph instead.

Graduate / What are some of occurances that have formed my point of view and the way I live now [4]

Rupali, you may want to remove the reference to your academic life in the essay because the fact that you cannot do those math equations now have nothing to do with your development as a person. Instead, you should try to talk more about the life learning experiences that you encountered in your professional and personal life. Those are the two aspects of this essay that can clearly depict the kind of person you have become due to life occurrences. You only present 2 sentences for your life in the corporate sector. That does not present the story as to what kind of experience you had there and how it would affect your point of view and the way you live your life now. For the experience in the new country, since you got married, maybe it would be better if you discuss how you had to adjust to married life in a country other than your own. What adjustments did you have to make? What did you come to realize about yourself as a married person?

Then add a final paragraph, one that discusses how the combination of these experiences and settings have created a unique individual that you are also just getting to know better these days. What kind of overall point of view about life and the way you live now do you now embody which has created this evolved or new person that we should be interested to get to know.

Scholarship / Chevening leadership and influence essay. My journey to become a leader in the future. [4]

Naseer, your opening paragraph has a problematic sentence. It does not have a properly developed presentation. You said, "Being an engineer in Ghor province, where I would like to be the first engineer who will get master's degree." There is no meaning to this sentence? What are you trying to say? So you will be the first engineer with a masters degree from your area. So what? What makes it special? Why should I care about that? I think it would be better if you just remove that sentence though. It doesn't seem to have a connection with the rest of the essay even if you improve upon its content. In both examples of your leadership skills, it would be better if you could at least give a description of your influencing ability instead of merely saying that you influenced this and that person. Remember, this essay is all about providing examples. So when mentions are not supported by narrative examples, your claims become weak and will be given less consideration by the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Many TV advertisements nowadays cause effects on children [4]

Lo, your official score for this essay will be only a 5 because of the inconsistencies of your task achievement. Your sentences are not very clear because you do not fully explain your ideas in the paragraphs. It is almost as if you just think of something that applies, you stick it into the paragraph, then move on. You are focusing more on your vocabulary presentation instead of clarity in your presentation. The only way for you to score properly in this type of test is if you manage to take one idea, present it at the start of the paragraph, then develop a clear explanation, without adding new information, within the paragraph. You can present a related example if you want, but you have to make sure that you use only simple sentences for now to make sure that the stress on the reader will be reduced because you are a long way from becoming fluent in the written English language. I am going to refrain from making any more comments on your essay based upon the other scoring criteria. For now, I want you to focus on how you discuss your paragraphs first. Even if it is not in perfect English, you can still manage to create simple discussions. Do not try to discuss more than one reason per essay because that is what is preventing you from properly discussing the essay.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree that progress is always good? [6]

Behzab did you provide the complete and original prompt for our consideration? Somehow, the prompt feels like it is a short version of the long original prompt. Always provide us with the long version of the original prompt because that is the best way that we can assess and assist you with the development of your writing skills. Right now, I can see that you have a good grasp of the topic provided for the discussion but you are not really well versed enough to realize the intricacies of the essay topic. That is why you made a crucial mistake in your second paragraph.

You discussed the progression of an illness and how it affects people when what you should have been discussing is the benefit of progressive scientific discoveries in the pursuit of a cure for the illness. The illness is bad, the result of the progressive study about the virus, is good. So that is not the right example to use in this essay. You could have just used the third paragraph as your second paragraph and had a better result for your overall score.

Remember, as long as you write a minimum of 4 paragraphs, properly developed and related to the discussion, you will receive a pretty decent overall score. When you write more with one paragraph misdirected, you adversely affect your final score as well. Always be careful and consider what the prompt is asking you really write about before you even begin to draft the essay.

Scholarship / Hard Work - being the "positive" role model for peers. Chevening essay on Leadership [9]

Adil, I reviewed the advice that I previously gave you and it seems that you still have not removed the reference to the academic leadership skills that I recommended. That is really not serving a purpose in an essay that demands professional examples of your leadership and influencing style. It takes up more than half the essay space. If you insist on using that reference, then keep it down to one paragraph. Just use it to establish your leadership beginnings, training, and influencing style. You can do that in 5 sentences. It does not require half the page. Lengthen your professional representation as best as you can because those are the leadership and influencing requirements of the essay. If you do not revise the essay to the letter, then it becomes too amateur in presentation and will not have the ability to influence the reviewer. Remember, you are trying to convince the reader that you are a future leader and influencer in your country. That cannot be established by academic criteria. That can only be measured by your performance as a leader and influencer in the professional world.