Scholarship / I'm not confident with my essay - Chevening essay Question 1 (Leadership & Influence) [3]

Nieke, this essay doesn't really deliver solid examples of your leadership and influencing skills. What you wrote is a definition essay with examples of your early leadership styles. What the essay requires are solid examples of your leadership and influencing skills within your current professional setting. Talk about how you developed your leadership skills because of your job. Talk about your real leadership experiences in a major setting. Don't relegate yourself to simple leadership roles because the scholarship foundation looks for go-getters, people who know what they want and how to go after it. Think of times at work when you needed to coax a co-worker to finish an assigned task that you were assigned to lead the team towards accomplishing. Talk about how you did that. These are the styles by which you can prove that you have leadership and influencing abilities. You will need to write a totally new essay to accomplish that so you better get started. This essay is too simple to present to the reviewer. It needs to be more complex and profession relevant in order to compete with the other applicants.

Writing Feedback / Only by challenging existing knowledge, we are able to expand our thinking about the universe [2]

Since not all countries live under a democratic form of government, it would perhaps be best if you avoid making any political references in similarly themed GRE discussions. As your writing proves, one can create a strong discussion without referring to certain topics that might be explosive or not totally applicable across the world. Using general references makes the discussion more free flowing and removes the question of "how" in situations where the discussion you are presenting might not be applicable. Your concluding paragraph feels forced. It does not sound like it should have ended where it did. I feel like you need to add a more final sentence at the end that tells the reader "My discussion is finished". At the moment, it feels like you need to add another sentence along the lines of;

These reasons and evidences all prove that only by questioning authority can we develop a better understanding of our world in the context by which we live in it.

Overall, good work on the essay. You were able to consider the possible counter arguments to your own and you came back with strong evidence to refute the possible claims the other side would be making. Although there are 2 problem points in the presentation as far as I can tell, the essay is still well developed and presented to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Large businesses have big budgets for marketing and promotion and as a result. [4]

AliminHamzah, it seems to me that you did not post the original prompt at all. That is because there is a clear discrepancy in the topic sentences and prompt requirements. As you can see, the first sentence indicates "large businesses" but then the question for discussion asks about "local products". This is why I suspect that your prompt posting of the original discussion is incorrect. A large business can exist as a local product but a foreign business cannot sell a local product. Do you see the difference between the two descriptive terms? Due to this discrepancy in the original prompt statement, I will not be scoring your essay. I cannot score an essay based upon an inaccurate original prompt statement.

By the way, this is not a clause but an essay. A clause a form of sentence development. An essay is a short piece of writing based on a particular topic. The problematic opening paraphrase alone is enough to gain you a failing score for the essay because of your failure to properly address the TA section of the scoring criteria. Remember, the minute you get the TA failing score, everything else follows. I cannot proceed with analyzing the problems of this essay and offering suggestions for your improvement because I am unclear on what the real prompt for this essay is. Therefore, I will stop here as I think I have made my point clear already. The total format of this essay will not garner it any sort of passing score.

Graduate / Born in Mongolia, converted to Christianity, study Mongolian, job as radio editor and teaching [3]

Munhkbileg, this essay does not qualify as a proper Letter of Self Introduction. There is a disconnect between your college major, your profession, and your potential masters degree studies. In fact, I am not clear on what your chosen masters degree course is in this essay. You have a very good family background presentation and a clear idea regarding your point of view of life. However, your dreams and aspirations are not presented at all in the essay. Additionally, your educational background is weak. There is no clear progression of your academic career and you are unable to indicate if you were some sort of special student when it came to awards and recognition. That is an important consideration when it comes to your application. Specially, if you earned these awards during your college studies.

You need to explain why you studied languages and textology in college but then ended up as a radio editor. This is the disconnect that I was talking about. How and why did you end up in this line of work that is so far from your college major as far as the reader can tell? How does the profession relate to your chosen masters degree course? What is your motivation to pursue that line of study? You need to clarify your thoughts along these considerations. Frankly, the essay you present doesn't have a point. It has no direction and doesn't really fulfill the requirements of the prompt for this letter.

I am worried about the weakness of your letter of introduction. Specially since you do not have a solid understanding of Korean culture to present in the essay. I do not feel like this essay will make it past the first round of considerations. In fact, it may not pass the preliminary screening at all. If you still have the time, try to review the prompt requirements and then focus and apply yourself when it comes to providing the necessary information. This essay doesn't really deliver the necessary aspects for consideration and will not be beneficial to your application at all. You need to find the reason why you want to enroll in a particular course, why that is a strong motivation, and how Korea fits into the discussion. Read the sample letters of introduction for the KGSP scholarship available here. You might be able to find some inspiration from some of them for your revised response.

Undergraduate / Give a brief description of your professional background and current work [3]

Taliat, you need to present your information in a chronological manner that will better help the reader to understand the purpose of your statement. All of the required responses are in this version of your statement. The problem, is that your presentation does not clearly outline the responses to the questions. So, let's start by editing this statement in a simple manner. I'll post the question and the corresponding response in a clear manner. All you have to do is follow the outline in the paragraph presentation. Here we go:

What is my current work?
- I am currently a volunteered...

What is my professional background?
- I am a well mannered...

Why did I choose this work?
- I am chosen...

Personally, I am not sold on your explanation about why you chose to do this work. Your response doesn't relate to psychology as your profession, which is what the response should be related to. Instead, you suddenly discuss leadership experience and career interest, without developing the discussion. So, where did that come from? You should revise your response to be more current career oriented instead.

Writing Feedback / I am more inclined to study with group of students rather than preparing to test alone [TOEFL] [4]

Hao, you need to first stop transliterating your essay from Chinese to English. This practice, which is commonplace for most ESL students, creates an incomprehensible or difficult to understand or analyze sentence and paragraph presentation. This will also be the cause of the failing score for your essay. In paragraph 2, I found it extremely difficult to understand what you were saying in terms relating to that of the topic sentence because your choice of English words did not suit the sentence you were developing. When reader stress is present, the result will be negative for your score.

The regular format for all English exam essays covers 3-5 sentences per paragraph. So your opening statement is short of the required number. You need to split up your presentation into individual sentences so that you can better explain yourself. Don't try to present complex sentences at this point. Just take baby steps. Simple sentences that carry your thoughts accurately will be a better bet than trying to use too many English words that don't really get your point across.

The summary should be nothing more than a restatement of the prompt along with your opinion at the end. Here is an example of a prompt for this topic:

There are students who learn better when they review their lessons alone. Other students, prefer to join group study sessions for several reasons. I personally prefer to study with a group. In this essay, I will explain the reasons and offer examples as to why group studying is a better choice for me.

As for the conclusion, that is actually optional in the TOEFL test. However, if you want to present a concluding paragraph at the end then yes, sum up the things you mentioned in the essay within 3 sentences. I prefer that students offer a conclusion at the end of a TOEFL test because it helps to prove your English comprehension and presentation (ability to understand and discuss) skills. That can easily help to increase your final score.

In a TOEFL essay, you should not use exclamation points because you are supposed to be presenting an academic paper. So only periods and commas should be found in the presentation. Do not pose questions in your paragraphs because you will end up discussing something different from the original prompt in the process. After all, when you present a question, you have to answer it. If the response is not related to the original prompt, then you are in trouble. Hence, it is better to not pose questions within your discussion. Rather, present the questions as statements in order to make it more suitable for the purpose of the essay.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay Prompt #2 - My first Judo tournament and overcoming failure [2]

Josh, the essay had a very strong start. It was engaging and imaginative. It gave me an idea of what was to come in the next few paragraphs. Then, you presented the quote from the unnamed athlete. I lost my focus, I forgot why I was interested in what you were narrating in the essay. It totally threw me from the topic that you were developing in the discussion. It ruined the essay. A quote is only effective if it comes as a separate, stand-alone hook at the beginning of the presentation. When you suddenly throw it in the middle, it derails the presentation. In this case, you have 2 choices, either place the quote at the start of the essay in the manner I suggested, also, include the name of the athlete if possible in order to give it a stronger sense of authority and importance or, remove the quote entirely. I tried removing the quote and it did not affect the overall presentation. Instead, it became stronger because the climax of the story, what you learned from this failure and how it changed you as a person was more easily found in connection with the earlier presentation.

Undergraduate / Help with my Statement of Purpose - ApplyTexas Topic A/UT Austin/International Undergrad Transfer [7]

Marcello, with the way the immigration problem in America is currently going, it would be better for your application if you do not refer to the fact that you have a brother married to an American at all. Neither should you mention that you and your mother stayed with your brother in the country during a visit. The information will raise a red flag for your application and make it sound like you have intentions of becoming an undocumented immigrant in the country. Rather, you must focus the essay on what you have learned from the Brazilian Psychology based universities in relation to the reasons why you feel that continuing your studies in America is imperative to your career. Don't approach this like a creative writing essay. This is a serious essay that must come across with an academic tone and a sense of professionalism that currently isn't present in your writing. Write a new essay that focuses on the purpose for your study instead. You can start, by introducing how your interest in Psychology developed, in a more proper manner than you do now. Right now, it sounds like you just threw a dart at a board with course choices and you ended up picking Psychology that way. Show a clear development of your interest, your experience as a student in Brazil, and then explain what your plans are for your career as a Psychologist. All of these discussions will help support and explain the purpose of your desire to complete your studies abroad.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay #1--- How history influences me [3]

Zheng, you need to cut the story of the woman at the hospital by a few lines. That part of the essay seems to run extra long and doesn't really create a connection to your being a history nerd until almost the very end. Don't lose focus. The point of your essay is to explain that you are a history nerd and that being one has helped you to become a better person in life. So the long winded story of how you had to sit there listening to the woman, considering hospital policy, etc, really just takes attention from the point of the essay. Just say the woman came with her children, they missed their doctors appointment and at that point, You were reminded of Major Ferguson. Always go for the connecting factor and work forward from there. Don't dwell too much on the description. Talk about the relationship of the two stories instead. This is a pretty good essay but, just like a movie, this is a director's cut, which is why it is running so long. Edit it, tighten the story, and then present the improved version to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Can you review this letter of intent for a graduate program in public administration/policy [3]

Ogbonna, the letter of intent is only meant to be a cover letter, not an intricate description of your qualifications as a scholar student. You must revise the letter to be only an overview of the important documents that you will be submitting and information that the reviewer should take note of while looking over your application and documents. Basically, you only need to tell the reviewer that you are a college graduate, what that college degree is in, where you studied it, what your current profession is and how that relates to the masters degree you now wish to study. It should not be more than 4-5 paragraphs at the most. Your letter is highly intricate but does not deliver the required summary of information that would qualify it as a letter of intent. As the term indicates, the letter must include a reference to the "purpose" of your study. That is the "intent" referred to. A summary of the purpose will suffice as you are to discuss that in greater detail once you begin work on your Statement of Purpose essay. As of now, This letter does not really focus on a clear intention for your studies so I do not believe it will make for an effective letter of intent. There are examples of the letter of intent letter at this forum and online. I suggest you look at the samples and revise your essay based on what you will be learning from the samples.

Scholarship / Study plan required to apply for the KGSP Undergraduate Scholarship of 2018 [3]

Rishu, you need to respond to each prompt as an independent essay. You are not supposed to mix references to both in one essay. As you can see, the essays are divided into 2 categories, that is because you have to write one essay for each category. I found myself confused why reading your essay because you went from languages, to your choice of majors, then back to languages, then back to the majors... It was exhausting and difficult to keep track of. I strongly suggest that you follow the expected format of 2 separate essays for the 2 topics provided.

You can merge your language essay information into a single essay in order to make it easier for the reviewer to keep track of the discussion. However, you should make references to the fact that even though you are applying for 2018 admission, you are going to spend the rest of this current year (2018) learning the basics of Hangul as that is what the essay expects you to do. Explain whether you will be enrolling in formal lessons or proceeding to learn the language via self-study. These will serve as the pre-arrival foundation for your studies in Hangul. I would also like you to make some sort of mention of how you plan to continue improving your English skills or perhaps, learn a new language alongside Hangul in order to give more importance to the fact that you practically a linguist since you know 5 languages (fluently?) already. Only after you properly address the language essay should you move on to the discussion of the choice of majors.

Your study plan is non-existent. What you should be discussing is a focus on a specific thesis project that could very well be common for all the 3 courses you have chosen. Is there some sort of generic research or project that you can present as the potential thesis project for your senior year? That is the only way that you can develop a study plan timeline for the research and completion of the project you have chosen. The post study plan needs to be a bit more detailed than the one you have at the moment. Start at the bottom. Where will you begin your career as a rank and file employee? From that point, how long will it take before you have to study for your masters degree? Analyzing the requirements related to setting an R&D center in your country, how soon after you graduate from your college course do you think you can set up the foundation for it? What will its focus be?

These considerations should help you clarify the content of the individualized essays. It is important that you allow yourself enough time and space within the essay to clearly explain yourself and allow the reviewer to clearly understand what your college plans in relation to your future development as a professional.

Undergraduate / Something that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others. [4]

Maida, your essay is good but confusing because it focuses on 2 different topics within one essay. Rather than opening the essay with the realization about colonists, I would rather you focus the essay on your 2 years at the UWC boarding school instead. As I reviewed your essay, it appeared to me that a a larger sense of personal growth, along with a new understanding of yourself and others could have come more from that experience than the one that you chose to open your essay with. The reason is simple. The first experience is general in detail and does not really create an impact. However, the UWC experience has you moving away from your comfort zone (your country) and having to adjust to live with others of different backgrounds. You all had to adjust at some point and all of you had a period of personal growth. The essay would be more interesting if you would be able to represent how you learned from this experience more through interaction and reflection. If possible, pick one specific time at the boarding school to relate as the catalyst for this realization. It will make a far more memorable essay than the current one you have.

Scholarship / Strong Networking Skills: What does it really mean? [3]

Noeme, always focus on your current profession in all your Chevening essays. Do not include information about your work at the restaurant because that is not related to your true profession and as such, becomes a sore thumb in the presentation. What I mean by sore thumb is that it is not truly related to the profession you have chosen and as such, divides the attention of the reviewer between the relevant and irrelevant information. Anything not related to your teaching profession is irrelevant information.

The networking information that you present is simple enough to impress the reviewer. I will not stay that it is strong and impressive because there are no clear presentations of professional networks that can help you increase your chances at career development. Then again, as a teacher, your options in networking for career advancement is limited to a certain extent. So the networking skills that you present here may just be deemed acceptable enough by the reviewer based upon the socioeconomic situation of your country.

In the concluding part of your essay, you need to add a line or two that will explain how Chevening and its past and future scholars can benefit from this simple network of contacts that you have created in the education sector. What benefit will this network offer them? It isn't enough that you are willing to promote Chevening and include them in your country based projects. The scholarship foundation , its alumni, and its future scholars are expected to gain some benefit out of this network as well. Review the other networking essays in this forum in order to get a better idea as to how the network is expected to work so that you can properly revise your essay in that regard.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Networking in Startups [3]

Ahmad, the second paragraph refers to a failed networking endeavor. Remove that. You should never refer to an unsuccessful undertaking in any of your Chevening essays because the reviewer is only interested in success stories because, let's face it, if you are a failure at something then you cannot be perceived as a potentially successful scholar. Even though one student came out of the program, the main point is that the network was not successfully maintained and therefore, is considered a failure. Use only the successful undertakings in your networking efforts and hide the failures. Nobody needs to know or should know that it happened.

Your paragraph about the start up community needs to be enhanced to show how you have managed to successfully use this network for your benefit. There isn't enough evidence to prove that this is a useful network for you at the moment. It has the potential to catch the eye of the reviewer but that can only happen if you work on developing that paragraph presentation.

Your concluding paragraph needs to open up the reasons as to how your current and future networks will be able to assist the other Chevening scholars and graduates as well. The networking essay requires you to explain that in the prompt. So your final paragraph needs to be less self centered and more open to network sharing in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Describe a strong memory based upon a smell [2]

Dang, you need to be more descriptive of the smell that is driving this memory of yours. The reader should be able to practically smell the dish through your description of the smells that emanated from the kitchen of your neighbor. This description will only be effective if the reader can practically smell the dish as you describe it. For example, you could have said:

As I walked up the walk after school, my stomach grumbling as the last meal I had was 5 hours earlier, I was greeted by a familiar smell. Our neighbor's kitchen window was open and from there, the smell of boiling coconut milk permeated the air. It brought back memories of my childhood. I could not help but stop and relish the smell that made my hunger pains increase. As the coconut milk smell mixed with curry, I found myself closing my eyes, suddenly being drawn back to my childhood and my mother's kitchen...

Associate each smell with something from your childhood. Describe the smell of the dish as it is being cooked. That is the best approach to writing this essay.

Scholarship / Leadership and Influence: How leaders exhibit leadership and influence? [3]

Noeme, it is important that you understand the main requirement of this essay. The main requirement is that you have a profession related leadership and influencing experience. Therefore your first two experiences are out. You can't use that. Only professional experience should be presented, in the line of work that you are in at the moment. That said, you must focus on your most recent leadership and influencing activity as it relates to your given profession.

Your experience as public school teacher will fit this requirement. Rather than discussing leadership in terms of your co-workers, as it seems that you are merely a rank and file employee at the moment, you should focus on your leadership and influencing role within the classroom instead. As a teacher, you are looked up to as a leader by the children you are teaching. So focus on how you are leading them towards a better future. Discuss the difficulties you face in teaching them due to lack of proper facilities, yet you manage to lead them towards proper learning. Then explain how you inspire them to stay in school even though it may be difficult for them to keep attending classes due to say, the physical situation in the classroom or their residing far from the school, maybe even consider the dangers involved in their getting to the school while traversing a mountainous region.

It would be even better if you have a leadership experience that relates to the fund raising programs that you, along with your co-workers initiated. That will show that you have the professional ability to lead adults and influence others towards doing good things for other people. If you fail at that, then fall back on your classroom leadership experience instead.

Graduate / SOP - Ms Analytics at Georgia Institute of Technology [2]

Akshay, you need to limit the exposure of your educational background to only the most recent one. So that means it would be better for you to open the essay with a summary of your college studies and any recognition you may received during that time. The story about you living a double life is unnecessary and takes away from the valuable character count that needs to be used for another part of the essay. Summarize your early career as well and just go into details for your current profession. The reason that I am asking you to do this is because the other half of the essay that should deal with the reason why you chose to study at Georgia Tech became a mere afterthought when that should be the second point of discussion in the essay. The prompt is asking you to explain why you chose Georgia Tech over the other universities so that needs greater details than just one paragraph. You need to discuss the course curriculum, laboratory experience, internships, and potential training opportunities as the reasons as to why you chose Georgia Tech over the other universities. While you don't need to go into a side by side comparison, you need to justify your choice by discussing your learning needs and how your choice of university tunes into it. That is what is lacking in your essay and that is one of the most important information that the reviewer will be looking for. Therefore, you must revise the content of your essay in order to balance the discussion among the required points.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay, study in UK plan; I aspire to work as a lecturer of human rights lawyer [4]

Sebghatullah, do not include the university discussion in the second paragraph. You need to make each university discussion stand alone in a separate paragraph in order to call the attention of the reviewer to the university discussion. More importantly, it will allow you to elaborate on the university choice based upon your past experience, current learning requirements, and how it may relate to your future career plans in terms of training. There is a reason as to why you chose the same course at every university. This normally has to do with where you see your career headed in the future or its applicability to current problems in your line of work that you hope to resolve. Summarize that information as part of the discussion as to why you chose to study these courses at these UK universities.

You have a tendency to deviate from the prompt requirements in your paragraphs because you change the focus of the discussion from the reason you chose the university to trivial matters such as your being published in 4 research papers, Your members in the American Society of International Law, and your participation in the Jessup International Moot Court. All of which do not carry a direct relation to the chosen course. If there is a relationship, then you have not made it clear so you will need to revise your presentation to make sure that this comes across as relevant experience rather than just you trying to show off unnecessary credentials. In particular, the Jessup information seems to only want to brag about the fact that you won the competition. I don't see how it applies at all. Then you suddenly speak of a center for terrorism studies without relating how that connects to your studies in this particular course at the university. You need to clarify the reasons why you qualify for these lines of study because right now, I do not get a clear picture of your professional foundation as it applies to your chosen university masters degree courses. Basically, the content of your essay is good but disorganized, you need to reformat the content of the paper in order for it to be clearer to the reader and also, give you a better chance at justifying your university and course choices.

Writing Feedback / Television is one of the most wonderful inventions of human. And how it influence our children? [2]

Anatasia, I wish you had provided me with the complete and original prompt requirement for this essay. It appears within your discussion that you had a prompt deviation from the end. At first, it seemed like you were discussing the disadvantages of television watching in children. Then towards the end, you mentioned a different prompt requirement which is the drawbacks and advantages. Which is which? What was the original prompt really asking you to discuss? This confusion in the actual thesis statement of your essay can cause a lower points consideration for your work.

Be careful of your vocabulary and spelling. There is no such term as "addicerd". I believe the term you wanted to use was "addicted". Carelessness in your spelling and sentence formation will result in difficult to understand sentences, which in turn, will translate into points deductions on your part. You also said "im work" instead of "in work". That is another example of careless writing that will turn your essay into a useless essay.

Your punctuation is also faulty as you have a line in the 3rd paragraph where you have a comma followed by ellipses. What exactly were you going for? A comma and a continued discussion or a period and a new discussion? These small errors are slowly adding up to lead towards a failing score in your essay. I could go on and on with more references to your mistakes in this essay but I just need to give you a general idea of where your problem points are so that you can focus on improving those sections in your next round of practice essays.

Scholarship / Networking can pave the way to engage each other in the community - Chevening Scholarships [3]

Fatemah, you have only enumerated your membership in various networks. You have not shown how you have used these networks within your career, on an individual instead of team basis. Mostly, your discussion tells me about how you became a member of the network and what it is about. The most important of these networks, that you should be focusing the essay on, are the ones connected to your profession. Sadly, all you did was enumerate the network rather than showing these networks in action in the performance of your duties.

In actuality, the reviewer will be looking at your professional network more than your social or college level networks because of its relevance to your masters degree scholarship application. Therefore, it would be better if you revise the essay to discuss your professional network. You should offer examples of how these networks have helped you during your career, either in resolving issues or advancing your career perspectives. If you can do that, then the reviewer will see the potential in your current profession and how your network will be able to assist you and the future Chevening scholars within the same field / profession in the future. You must also develop your concluding statement with an enhanced reference to the function of your existing and future network with the Chevening scholarship system.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Children should play and study rather than help do the household chores? [3]

Ching, your opening statement was alright until you got to the part where you were supposed to provide your thesis statement. You are being asked to agree or disagree with the statement. Therefore, you cannot say that you have "doubt" about the given statement. The "doubt" is a different prompt response and does not deliver the type of discussion that is expected of your essay. When you "doubt" that means you have questions or uncertainty regarding a given statement. The essay is asking for an assured opinion in the form of an agreement or disagreement with the statement provided. A "doubt" is different from an assured opinion since an assured opinion means you have supporting evidence to present in defense of your statement. That supporting evidence is what makes the TOEFL discussion proper in defense of your stance or opinion of the given statement.

While you will find yourself scored down for the wrong thesis statement, your defensive arguments are sound. Though the grammar may be imperfect at this point, you can still get your message across clearly to the reviewer. It would be better for you to focus on developing a more grammatically correct representation of your discussion to the examiner when you can. Again, your message is clear but having a better grammatical presentation would advance your scores to a higher level so you need to practice creating more fluent English sentences.

The last paragraph that you present is a run-on sentence. It would be better if you divided it into topic sentences so that you can call more attention to your grammar and vocabulary skills. All of which, when combined, will result in a higher TOEFL score for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The trend of GDP growth in post-reform China [6]

Wong, you should have aimed to write at least 200 words in order to have a better chance at an overall higher score. With only 156 words written, you did write more than the required number of words but did not really allow yourself a chance to increase your chances at a higher overall score with that highly limited word count. It did not allow you to offer a deeper insight into your English writing and analytical abilities.

Make sure that you have at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Each sentence should help to describe the content of the graph or any illustration that you are provided with. The first paragraph should present a summary of the instructions you are given for the discussion. In this case you should have outlined the essay as:

A line graph has been presented for analysis. The information presented in it relates to the GDP growth in Post-Reform China and is counted in the millions of Yuan. The growth was charted covering the years of 1978, 1983, 1988, 1993, 1998, and 2002. I will be writing a summary report based on the graph for a university lecturer.

Your presentation is not complete because you only use one sentence in each presentation. That is not acceptable and you will be given the lowest possible TA and GRA score because you did not even try to develop paragraph presentations. This means that you did not try to analyze the image presented, you just reported on it as it was shown in the provided illustration.

The work you provided is not a good attempt at writing the task 1 essay. I cannot say that you did not try because you at least wrote a simple analysis of the image. However, a simple analysis is not going to get you a passing score. Try to study the image information a little deeper next time in order to present a (slightly) more complex summary that would have a chance of getting a higher consideration score for each required criteria.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country side [3]

Alimin, are you enrolled in English classes at the moment? If you are, how is it possible that you have managed to overlook the very first rule of English grammar writing that states; "The first word of every sentence must be capitalized." That is a serious and unforgivable writing error on your part that shows a lack of even the most basic English grammar skills on your part. Add to that the lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your writing due to the confusing use of English words and there is absolutely no way your essay will pass on the most basic requirements pertaining to LR, C&C, and GRA scoring.

The fact that your opening paraphrase is only 2 sentences long adds to the problem of your essay as the minimum acceptable sentence presentation is 3 per paragraph. It is this extremely short opening statement that led you to not present a proper restatement of the prompt you were given. Since this essay is obviously going to get a failing score in the final consideration, let me at least show you how a proper paraphrase for this would have gone. That is the least I can do for you because the rest of your mistakes cannot be fixed as simply as the opening restatement can be fixed.

The past decade has shown a rapid increase in the economic growth of various countries. This growth spurred increased life qualities for the citizens living in cities but not in the provinces. As such, a new problem seems to have been created in terms of economic development for these countries. This essay will present a look into one or two problems that this has created. I will then offer a solution on how the effects of the problem may be limited in terms of affecting the village population of the countries.

Stick to only the facts given in the original prompt and split your presentation up into individual sentence in order to offer a clearer version of the prompt restatement.

Writing Feedback / Kids can learn from the very first days by their parents, but other say it's the task of the school [3]

Umuu, this essay only partially responds to the prompt requirements. There is no discussion of both sides before you gave your point of view in the essay. In fact, you did not even give a proper paraphrasing of the prompt when you wrote your opening statement. You neglected to mention that your point of view is required. You also made the additional mistake of including data (Children is an essential...) which was not included in the original prompt that was provided. Therefore, your TA score will most definitely not be on a passing scale. The grammar issues throughout your essay have left the reader with a strong desire to keep re-reading your essay until an understanding of what you are trying to say can be reached. That is not a good thing. That is called "reader stress" and will result in an extremely low GRA score for you as well. The way that you misuse the English words in terms of vocabulary usage is another clear problem in the essay, which means, another failing LR score for you. Overall, this is not even a passing score essay. It is only capable of getting a failing score.

I apologize for not giving you examples of what is wrong with your essay. You see, I an unable to do that because the whole essay is wrong and problematic. So I cannot choose just a few sections to point out with a correction. In this instance, I would have to rewrite the whole essay, which, unfortunately, I am not allowed to do as a contributor.

It would be better if you could review other sample essays online that are correctly developed. There are ample examples on various websites that can help you learn how to better develop your grammar and sentence structure. Don't forget to do independent grammar and sentence structure practice exercises as well so you can improve those severely problematic aspects of your English writing skill.

Scholarship / Chevening Career Plan Essay - to continue working in the Oil & Gas industry in my country [4]

Maria, the reason that your highly effective essay is too long involves the way that your career plan covers too many topics. What I mean is, the presentation you are using seems to cover at least 10 years of your career when you are only supposed to present a maximum of 5 years for your career plan. Anything more than that will require another level of education, a doctorate degree in fact. Which means that the contribution of the Chevening scholarship to your education will have ended within that time frame. It would be best if your rethink the content of your essay. Retain only the UK collaboration and career advancement plans for yourself that cover the 5 year time frame only. By doing so, you will limit your number of words and keep the essay focused only on the important aspects of your post study career plans. In fact, you can even remove the first 2 paragraphs that you wrote because those are not directly tied to the immediate response that kept for the 3rd paragraph. It would be better to open with a direct response in order to hold the interest of the reviewer. What you wrote in the 3rd paragraph is very strong and kicks off with a focus on the post study plan. There is no need to include the information in the first 2 paragraphs because you have somehow already touched upon those in your other essays for the scholarship. It is redundant information at this point.

Undergraduate / UGA admissions essay: Tell an extraordinnare story which you didn't mentioned in your application [3]

Madison, don't use a third grade reference to respond to this essay. That is such a childish undertaking that, as you can see from your presentation, your desire to make it a reality did not even last a whole year. What the reviewer is looking for here is a reference to something light and entertaining from you. Perhaps a story about a road trip with your friends gone wrong that taught you some moral lessons. Or some activity that you did not have a background in when you first tried it so everything that could go wrong went wrong. Again, there was a lesson to be learned from that experience. This is supposed to be an entertaining and comical look into your personality and how you deal with situations that don't go according to plan. Just like a college application. I am sure you had some SNAFU's during the application process that left you laughing in stitches when you realized the mistake you had just made. Think about your comical side. How do you find something to laugh about in the face of (imminent) failure? What is the method that you use to find the silver lining within a dark cloud? In other words, show the reviewer how you find a way to "Keep Calm and Whatever" when faced with an anxiety riddled situation. But make sure that it relates more to your high school, extra curricular, or other related, more recent experiences. Don't use anything older than your first year in high school to discuss the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / How Teamwork Changed My Life (Common App Prompt 1) [5]

Michael, the focus of the prompt is the talent that you have for composing music and working with a team based on that. This is a single focus essay that requires you to completely discuss the amount of effort, time, and any privileges that came with this undertaking. You should not be dividing the attention of the reviewer by suddenly focusing on the girl from Saudi Arabia. That removed the focus from your own story, turning her into a focal point of the essay when she should only be a mere mention, among the other team members from other nations. The teamwork should be discussed as a group effort without any particular focus as you did in this essay. Keep the focus on your experience, what you learned, how that helped you evolve as a person, and what talents or skills that you did not have before were discovered during the 2 years you spent with the team. That would help to truly respond to the "talent" portion of the essay prompt. You have a pretty good draft here. It should not be difficult for you to revise it. There is room for improvement and additional information. You just need to remove the unnecessary portion that removed the focus from your quest for self improvement in your essay. You can make a reflective statement about the person, but you cannot offer a whole paragraph of discussion about the person.

Undergraduate / Writing about significant challenge in life or something important that didn't go according to plan. [3]

Sardor, this prompt is one that seeks to learn your ability to deal with stressful situations. The story you have to be telling is one that you have already faced, sought a resolution to, and successfully accomplished. The story that you shared is still a work in progress that does not share any of the mandatory elements of the response. It would be better if you revised this essay to reflect how your parents did not support your desire to study in the STEM field and the other obstacles to your path. The conflict will be how you had to overcome that opposition to your desire to study in this field. The conflict resolution will be how you won them over and convinced them to support your desire to enroll in this field. That will better respond to the question of how you managed the situation (to your benefit). Now, if that is not the case with your situation, then I suggest that you change the story that you are sharing with the reviewer using this prompt. This story is just a reflection essay that does not really suit the prompt needs and as such, will not be beneficial to your application once it is read for consideration.

Graduate / B-School Graduate Essay (within 500-word) - marketing program MS at the Carey business school of JHU [4]

HongHao, your response is not effective because it doesn't address the prompt in the proper manner. In order for you to properly write this essay, you need to first, understand what the motto behind "Business with humanity in mind" is all about. You need to consider a number of factors in response to this essay such as the classes that are taught at the Carey Business School that are aligned with that concept. There are 3 classes that you need to focus on in response to the essay. These are:

1. The Innovation for Humanity Experience
2. Discovery to Market
3. CityLab

These are the courses that embody the "Business with humanity in mind" concept. Understand what these courses are about first, then align your experiences and essay content to suit the course curriculum of these 3 classes. Then you will have properly responded to the essay. I will not comment on your questions at this point, including your career goal because the essay is not properly written. Once you have completed your understanding of these 3 business school elements at Carey, then you will find yourself changing the total essay and, quite possibly, your 5 year career goal as well.

Scholarship / Chevening post-study career plan. Immediate and long term plans upon returning home [4]

Lauretta, revise the content of your essay. You are missing the reference to the UK organization in Nigeria that you can work with upon your return. Remember that Chevening requires you to look for UK based organizations in your country that have ongoing projects with your government, local institutions or NGO's. That is not an optional part of the essay, that is a requirement. You may find that you will need to do a little digging in order to find the relevant agency that you can work with in accordance with your masters degree. Take your time. You need that information in your essay. You will need to reduce the exposure of your plans to work with the local organization in order to create a balanced essay that represents your personal interests, as well as the Chevening UK promotional interests in your country. I believe that you can best do this by removing the reference to the mandatory one year National Youth Service program. That is irrelevant to the discussion of your plans. It is not required information based upon the prompt requirements. It only takes away from your word count unnecessarily. You should instead, focus on the inclusion of the UK organization as I mentioned earlier.

Writing Feedback / Moving abroad - challenge in your life that helps to overcome weaknesses and broaden horizon [3]

Naveen, your essay cannot be properly reviewed due to the lack of the original prompt requirement. Without the original prompt, we do not have a basis for the content of your essay. Therefore, I cannot categorically say that you have good content in your essay. Nor can I assure you that the quality of your essay falls within the required standards of the test you will be taking. Please remember to indicate what test you are taking and to upload the original prompt requirement the next time you post an essay.

I can however, comment on the general format of your essay. The first observation of which is the paragraph count. Whether it be a TOEFL or IELTS test, the maximum paragraph requirement is 5 paragraphs of 3-5 sentences each. In this instance, you have 6 paragraphs, meaning you are over the paragraph requirement by 1 paragraph and your sentences are all run-on sentences. That means, you only have a single sentence per paragraph. That is enough to automatically get you a failing score in your test.

Overall, this is a very badly developed essay. I do not have any basis to offer you additional help with your writing problems because I do not have the original prompt which helps me to assess that part of your work. I will probably be able to offer you a better review of your next essay. Provided you remember to provide me with the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Exams - the best method of assessing educational achievement, does they? [2]

@vanslogy your opening statement is almost correct in presentation. You did a good job of rephrasing the topic for discussion, but you failed to properly represent the thesis statement in your presentation. The thesis restatement should have been:

This essay will discuss the current point of view regarding the formal "pen and paper" exams so that I can offer my personal opinion on the matter as well.

An accurate paraphrase always closes with a restatement of the discussion instruction line because that serves to complete the outline of the original paraphrase and helps to create the discussion chronology in the paper you will be writing. By the way, since this is not an "extent" essay so you did not have to state that you "totally agree" with the statement. You have to remind yourself that in the IELTS test, you are not allowed to offer discussion data, of which your statement of opinion is, in the opening paraphrase. There is simply no room to fully discuss your opinion there so it should be reserved for the actual body of paragraphs instead. That is the rule and it should be followed. A direct response to the instruction is only acceptable in the TOEFL opening paraphrase.

You were supposed to discuss the public opinion first and then your personal opinion second. There is no representation of your personal opinion in the essay. You cannot assume that all of the paragraphs you presented belong to your personal opinion because it lacks the use of the personal pronouns that serve to give ownership of the statement to you, as in , your opinion. So what you have here is just the public discussion of facts regarding the given topic. An oversight on your part resulted in the lack of a personal statement being delivered as part of the required elements of the essay.

Additionally, you are over the maximum sentence requirement of 5 sentences in your second paragraph while you are just about meeting requirement in your third paragraph. It would be best if for your score if you deliver 5 sentences exactly in every paragraph. That include the opening statement and the concluding paragraph.

By the way, you are not supposed to include a new discussion of information in the concluding statement. That is what you did in this concluding statement. That is unacceptable and you will be scored down for not properly summarizing the content of the essay discussion in the concluding statement. That is the required representation for that paragraph.

Scholarship / How I answered the leadership query from Chevening [2]

Lamyaa, I am not sure what to tell you about the essay that you wrote. Please do not be offended when I tell you that this essay is not Chevening material at all and if you submit this essay, you will not even be considered for the first round of candidate discussion. There is no true leadership and influencing experience in this essay. It is only a personal statement that might work for a college application at best. It does not contain any professional leadership skills in the manner that indicates that you are a person being accorded due respect as a member of a company, a government agency, or as a team leader. All of the information you indicate shows that as a freelancer, you have not had the opportunity to truly experience a leadership role. I am sad to say that this essay cannot be used for your application due to your lack of professional leadership and influencing skills. When compared to the company leaders and professional trailblazers whose essays I have reviewed both in the past and immediate present at this forum, I know when an essay is not up to the challenge. This is one of those essays. Unless you can qualify yourself as a true leader in your profession, which it seems will be difficult to do due to the nature of your job, then you can submit your application for the scholarship but you should not get your hopes up that you will be given the same consideration as the better equipped candidates for the scholarship program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The advantages and disadvantages of the current population structure [5]

Irene, your score for this essay will be a 4. My opinion of your score is based on the reason that you had a slight misunderstanding of the prompt requirement which asked you to consider if the given discussion has more advantages than disadvantages. You should have only chosen one side to defend in the essay. You should have discussed only one side, not both sides in your response. Your discussion should only say that you believe the advantages of the situation are more than the disadvantages in the essay. Or, you take the opposing side to discuss, which is that the disadvantages are more and write about that. You should not have written about both topics in a single essay.

It is because of the discussion style that you presented that I came to the conclusion that you attempted to address the task, did well enough in the discussion, but ended up with an inappropriate format for the discussion because of your lack of a singular opinion discussion. This error could have immediately been corrected or avoided if you had only developed the proper prompt paraphrase for the essay. An example of an applicable paraphrase would be:

These days, it is not uncommon for the young adults to outnumber the older adults in some countries. Some people believe that this situation has created a situation where the existence of more young adults has created more advantages than disadvantages when compared with the existence of the older adults. In this essay, I will be presenting my response to this belief and supporting it with evidence from my personal observations and experience as a young adult myself.

As you can see from my example, your opening statement was flawed from the beginning because of your lack of proper prompt representation. It is even short on the required number of sentences. Hence, your work shows that you are not yet at an advanced level of English understanding. The misunderstanding of the prompt requirements becomes highly pronounced when compared side by side with the one I created.

Your concluding paragraph is also faulty for the same reasons indicated above. You also continue to discuss new information in the concluding sentence when you are not allowed to do that anymore because the concluding paragraph can only summarize the already presented discussion in a similar format to the prompt paraphrase. These are the reasons why your score cannot be higher than a 4.

Scholarship / Leadership is about influencing human behaviour to help achieve a common goal. Chevening essay [2]

Kavita, it appears to me that the Barclay's network development is more attuned with the requirements of leadership and influencing skills in this essay. That is why I strongly urge you to remove the reference to the 9 person team that you are working with in this essay. You will be creating a stronger impact if you focus your essay on the method by which you led the development of the Barclay's Network instead. Additionally, I also suggest that you use the same network and how you developed it in the networking essay for your application.

Going back to this essay, quit using the "we" reference in terms of the work done by the network. Rather, use the first person pronouns instead and make sure that you remove the references to the mission statement and purpose of the network for now. Move that information to your networking essay instead.

If you cannot define your leadership role in the Lila Poonawalla foundation, then do not include it in this essay. You only need one effective leadership experience anyway and I believe that you can accomplish that with a properly developed essay centered on your Barclay's project.

Scholarship / I find networking very easy and enjoyable - Chevening writing [5]

Lauretta, your explanation regarding networking is not very convincing. You were not able to convince me that you have the background in network development and the existing network infrastructure in place that can be developed into a potentially effective professional network for yourself and the future Chevening scholars that you will be mentoring. The experience that you explained at the age of 18 regarding sales was nothing more than that. A job that had you brought to various locations to sell products. There was no convincing factor that would lead me to believe that the people you spoke to at the time became a part of your professional network at present. You only sold them products, during which time you interacted with them. There was no actual networking or network cultivation involved in that task.

Not even your second and experiences have any reference to the kind of professional network that could provide an interesting angle for your application to the reviewer. The description of your social activities work does not create any venue for you to provide a networking skill. Such say, a party planner would with her network of suppliers, caterers, product manufacturers, etc. As which, a party planner would have explained the reasons behind the need to create such a network and what benefit these gave in terms of professional accomplishment and growth.

The same goes for your explanation regarding the meeting with the chairman of the bank. A professional reviewer will immediately spot an exaggeration in your presentation as your level of involvement in various activities as per your earlier descriptions would not have led you to a level of professional networking that would have you mingling with the owner of the bank himself. This will be called into question and, additional information will be required of you such as the name of the bank, the chairman, the name of the project you supposedly created, and some other information for verification.

My advice to you is this, read up on the networking examples available here. Look at how they explain their network creation and cultivation examples and follow suit. Do not exaggerate, do not make up information. Stick to proper networking examples as they exemplify it. This current essay falls short of the networking examples of a Chevening scholar. It is at this point where you should have company names, at the very least, to refer to as part of your network with an explanation of how that happened. More importantly, you should be able to explain why your network will make you an asset to the Chevening community as a scholar and as a mentor in the future. There is nothing in your current essay that convinces me of that objective as of this moment.

Writing Feedback / Why grand and expensive marriages became more and more common in recent years? [3]

Beatrice, before I even deal with any other problems with your essay, I first have to point out that you are not discussing the correct prompt requirement. This is a single opinion essay that focuses on belief that spending more on marriages these days is either a positive or negative development. That is a different discussion from the advantage and disadvantage or drawback essay. Each of these essays have a specific prompt direction to fulfill. This essay is fulfilling the wrong requirement in terms of prompt discussion. The correct method of discussing this essay should have been:

These days, marriage has become an expensive undertaking. There are at least 2 reasons that this has been happening. In this essay, I will present 2 reasons for this development and also discuss why this is a negative development.

The first reason that expensive weddings have been taking place is because...

Aside from that, another reason that people spend on their nuptials has to do with...

I consider this a negative development because...

In conclusion...

With the major problem out of the way, I would like to point out that you are beyond the maximum sentence requirement per paragraph. You should never go beyond a 5 sentence presentation per paragraph. That is why you should only discuss one topic per paragraph. You don't have the sentence allotment to discuss 2 topics in one paragraph. Since you have 3 body paragraphs with which to discuss, you can present 2 individual reasons per paragraph, then the personal opinion before you conclude your essay.

Scholarship / Its the key for my personal and professional growth. Chevening Fellowship essay on networking skills [3]

Kavita, these are all socially related networks instead of profession related networks. In fact, you joined these networks like you would the Marines. You did not cultivate the network on a professional level to the point where you had to do actual networking activities such as attending conferences and seminars or meeting other people in order to grow and cultivate a professional network. I admire your principles that let you to become a member of the networks that you indicated. However, these are not useful to your application in the manner that you expect because you do not have any career related / professional networks to reference. This is the reason why you are missing the all too important reference to the question of how this network can help you and the future Chevening scholars in the future. You must create an essay that explains how you started to create your professional network, how you manage to cultivate and grow that network, and how you hope to use it for your benefit and the benefit of the future scholars as well. Right now, this essay is just a listing of organizations that you joined. That does not qualify these to be a valid network along the expectations of the Chevening scholarship program.

Writing Feedback / [task 1] The bar chart shows different methods of waste disposal in four cities [3]

Gang, I hope you are sitting down while you are reading this because I have some good news for you. Based upon the development of this essay and the minimal grammatical errors that you presented in the sentence structures, I firmly believe that you are on your way to scoring you first 8 in a practice test. Scratch that, I believe that this essay does deserve an 8 in the overall score. I was pleased to read this paper that actually isn't trying to sound like anything but you. What I mean is, when you are not trying to follow a template for a presentation, you sound more natural and you actually end up writing in a better manner than before. It is complex enough to gain a high score in the GRA section and also, is coherent and cohesive enough to get the 8 bracket score in both scoring sections. I need not mention the TA and LR sections anymore because it is quite obvious that you did extremely well in those sections as well. I just want you practice the sentence structures at this point. You need to gain a certain smoothness in the presentation so that you can come across as a native speaker. Let me show you some samples of polished versions of your sentences:


- ends up in the compost


- In comparison...

A comma was needed here:
roughly the same percentage as Kuala Lumpur , but more than...


- varies per city

landfills absorb up to around 75%
- It is better to always be precise in your statements to give it an aura of authority instead of uncertainty. You need to have confidence and believe in the information you are presenting.


- However, in Madrid and Kuala Lumpur , the ...


- In this sentence, you should have used the country names instead of the word "respectively" because "respectively" is normally used after the nouns are provided. It is not used to start a new sentence because it connotes a one is to one relationship between words. It is a connecting word. Avoid using that term as much as possible because most readers would have to go back to your previous statement in order to remember what you were talking about. Always be specific instead.

Scholarship / Essay for USEFP 2018 undergraduate semester exchange program. Why you didn't accept my essay [4]

Ushna, you cannot use any part of this essay for your USEFP application because the grammar is so horrid, it sounds like it was written for an English as a Second Language assessment class rather than for a Fulbright scholarship application. The content is so elementary and does not deliver the kind of personal statement that would convey a sort of confidence to the reviewer regarding your ability to function as a higher level student in the United States. I am sorry to be so blunt about the faults of your essay but, I need to mention the worst elements of your writing in order to help you develop a better and more relevant personal statement.

When you write your new personal statement, you need to focus on delivering a number of important information for the consideration of the reviewer. Let me try and break it down for you in an outline form.

1. Open the essay with an introduction to your family background. How many siblings do you have? Do you have a complete set of parents? What are their occupations? Why is your family important to you? Would you say your family is influential in your future plans? If not, then who do you consider an influential figure in your life and why?

2. What do you enjoy doing during your spare time? What achievements have you reached? Do you think that these achievements are something the reviewer should take note of ? If yes, then why?

3. Describe the foundation of your interest in Engineering. What activities did you engage in to help you prepare for your college education in this field? What Engineering related activities are you engaged in when you are not in school?

4. Discuss your educational background. You said you are currently an Engineering student. What year level at you at the university? Do you have any academic achievements that could help set you apart from the other applicants?

5. If you have a university in mind to attend, explain why you chose that university. What course do you want to enroll in? Why do you think this university will be the best place to achieve your Engineering training plans? What programs are of interest to you at the university?

6. Why did you decide to study in America? Delve on the academic reasons you have, making it clear that you plan to go back home after completing the course in order to apply what you have learned in the redevelopment of your country.

These guide questions should help you develop a more relevant personal statement for your application. If you feel that you are not confident in developing a properly worded essay in response to the guide questions, then I suggest that you seek professional writing help for more relevant writing assistance. You can refer to our services link above if you wish to seek further help with your essay development.