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Posts by mardian24
Name: Mardian Rinaldi
Joined: Oct 25, 2016
Last Post: Dec 2, 2016
Threads: 46
Posts: 60  
From: Indonesia
School: SMAN8

Displayed posts: 106 / page 3 of 3
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mardian24   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / In this modern era, everything has changed. Writing Task 2 - Difficult and Easy Healthy Lifestyle [2]

Some people say that in the modern world it is difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say that it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


In this modern era, everything has changed because people have to do something quickly and ignore their healthy life. Some people think that it can be solved by themselves if they have willingness. However, in my opinion, it depends on how people do an action about their problem and it can be hard or simple to face a challenge in life.

Nowdays, being healthy is something valuable because people argue that they are always sick because of their routinity. One of the problem to be healthy is that people usually buy food wherever they want especially on the street shop. I imagine this is appear due to people do not want have enough time to buy fresh food while they are working. As a result, they will get sick because of dirty food that consist of bacteri. Also, it can make bad effect for long time if they do not have clear mind to get healthy food. However, this is the factor of modern era because people do not make an attention to their healthy life style.

In the other hand, if people want to have a change, I'm sure that they can do it. To have healthy food, inhabitants can prepare and bring their healthy food to their office. Also, they can do a diet for carbo as well to keep their body fit. The consequences is people can be healthy and enjoy their life just as simple as if they want to move and have a spirit to be better than before.

All in all, difficulties are coming from people's mind and nothing difficult to be healthy if they want. I suggest that do not think hard to get your body fit. People only need to make a plan for their activity and do it for themselves and for lovely person in their life.
mardian24   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The chart presents people's sleep scheme among five professions based on Canadian research result. [4]

Hi, ainunazwaria, I;m trying to give some comments

1. You have a good structure sentence and have an easy flow to be read. But, it is better for you to insert the image to make the readers easy to understand about your essay.

2. However, students have more sleep ...
Because student is singular, hence, it must be followed by singular verb
in this sentence students should be added 's'

3. ... worker only have six hours bedtime in a day.
To make it simple and do not have repetitive, eliminate the second 'bedtime' because you have already mentined before.

Thank you
Break a leg for you, keep writing
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children's bad habits, for example they always eat some dirty, unhealthy foods [7]

Hi septidara29

1. There are some errors for spelling
responsbility ----> responsibility
inovation ----> innovation
exctract ----> extract
responsbility ----> responsibility

2. ... are more attractattractive with the packaging of ...
Because attract is verb, so for the best word formation is 'attractive' (adjective) to explain what is children interest about

3. ... of their lifestyle to become more healthier.
healthier is a comparative form. You can use more + adjective or just health + er, so just eliminate more to make a comparative in this sentece

Thanks
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main duty of parents and teachers to make children more sociable in society [3]

Hi SarlindaDS_27, let me give some comments on yours

1. Nobody in this world can liveslive alone
after modal is infinitive, so lives should be changer to infinitive ---> live

2. ...without createcreating social relationship ...
because there is a verb before this sentence, so to avoid double verb, change create to another form, for instance 'crearing'

3. ... the first adult that are very close with the child ...
after conjunction 'that', verb is needed, therefore I give verb 'are'

thank you
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Parents are more competent than school to show children how to be a decent citizen [5]

Hi, septidara29, I want to write some comments based on your writing

1.There are some errors in spelling, such as:
teached ----> taught
behavioural ----> behavioral
theoritical ----> theoretical
responsbility ----> responsibility
immitate ----> imitate
childreen ----> children
I suggest you to manage your time so can check your answer again to make it sure there is not wrong in spelling

2. they can learn manymuch good behaviouralbehavior through daily activity ...
#it is better to replace behavioral (adjective) by behavior (noun)
# Because behavior is uncountable, hence many should be replaced by 'much'

3. ... a good example that can be immitateimitated by children ...
Because it uses passive sentence, so imitate should be replaced by imitated

Thanks
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The rising trend of reading in Barnaby, the most significant growth was shown in male readers. [4]

Hi kiki23, I'm trying to make some comments

... by both gender was steadily increaseda steady increase during the first two years
It is better for you to use noun phrase than to make it passive.

... books read by women achieves the peakachieved a peakwithat as much as ten ...
Because it is already happen, so use past tense than present tense

... continued to increase and reachreached to 9000 byin the end of 2013
Use same tense before and after 'and', in this sentence, you use past tense at the first than you should use past tense as well at the end

Thank you
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Good attitude is a must for everybody to show that we need someone else. Parents, school and society [3]

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Human live with each other and always communicate person. Good attitude is a must for everybody to show that we need someone else. Many people argue that children have to study about their attitude in school, where someone thinks that parents give more effect on children's life. However, it depends on point of view from someone and I think parents give higher good impact for children.

Parents always available for their lovely child and ready to give the best that they have. In a fact, children usually spend their time at home with their family. As a result, parents can easily gave an advice to children whenever they want. For instance, when I was a child, my mother taught me how should I do when I meet other people. She told me to give big smile and great smoothly. I was so happy because other people would be so kind to me and they love me. I cannot imagine if do not learn these habits, everyone will hate me and I will not feel glad to meet another person. Besides that, if our closer relatives teach us how to be nice person, we will regard them and it is simple to understand. For instance, I will obey my father advice and I will implement in my life. It happens because I feel comfortable and I'm sure that he teach positive things to me.

However, someone believes that school is formal education to get new knowledge. School have ab exact curriculum for their students to be taught. For example, Indonesian children learn about PPKN subject in elementary school. This subject explain the attitude and how to interact with other people. Besides that, teacher will give an example in daily activity how to be a good person. And if a students do wrong things, teacher will tell the student about their attitude that it is wrong and they need to change it. And next, children meet many friends in school and can directly implement about attitude that their teacher told to them. Therefore, school is good place for practicing knowledge the they have ever gotton.

Although, school can train children to be good person, parents are the most essential teacher for children to learn about habit activity. I think people will give different opinion between school and parents, but both of them are the best place for studying and get new experience in life.
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Causes that farming land couldn't produce effectively and effect of it in three countries in 1990 [2]

Writing IELTS Task 1- DEGRADATION LAND

The pie chart provides information about causes farming land cannot produce effectively and the table shows the effect from unproductive land in three different countries in 1990. Overall, it can be seen that over-grazing is the most significant reason for land degradation and Europe is a county which has the highest damage on cultivation land.

Over-gazling is the highest percentage reason for land cannot be used maximally with 35 percent. In other sides, deforestation is number two at 30 percent, where over-cultivation only 28 percent. There is another reason that effect to productivity of land, but it is the smallest percent from others.

There were 3 countries that have damage based on the table. Europe is the highest percentage and North America is the lowest with 23 percent and 5 percent respectively. For over-grazing effect, Oceania get the highest value at 11.3 percent where North-America is the lowest at 1.5 percent. Europe got more damage on deforestation at 9.8 percent and followed by Oceania and North Amercia. And there is zero percent where Oceania did not have impact from over-cultivation.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Dress smartly or quality of work? I think it depends on our obligation in occupation. [5]

Hi nurainiyusuf16, let me give some comments on your essay
1. For the first it is better for you to paraphrase question, so it will make it different and score will be higher than before

2. ... business dress is requirement for plenty of organisation or companies ...
There are many organisations in the question, so in introduction you just need to paraphrase the question and make your own word

3.... other organisations argue that work quality of their employee ...
use a conjunction between argue and quality to avoid double verb form. I give an example for conjunction

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Different ways to develop future career after graduation: work for someone or work for myself [5]

Hi, I'm trying to make some comments
1. ... they hashave better idea to attract ...
In present perfect tense'They' is followed by have and for he, she, it, are followed by has for

2. There are some error spelling
enterpreneur ----> entrepreneur
cosumers ----> costumers
qualitiy ----> quality
Aslo ----> Also

3. ... if they have many experienceexperiences ...
many is followed by plural form, so many + experiences

Thank you
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Hi shadow7 , I'm trying to make some comments
1. .. On my second year at university ...
You can use sophomore to make you sentence more simple

2. Use a different type of sentence to make this essay easier to read.

3. You have good grammar and structural for making sentence, but trying to manage your ide such as for the first you tell about your idea then you give reasons for supporting your idea and then give examples in your daily life after that give a results and the last is conclusion. I hope it will hope you to make your idea better.

Thank you
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: How satisfied are you with your life? What would make you happiest? [7]

Hi nurainiyusuf16, I'm trying to make some comments

1. ... stood at different point, but from 21 to 70 years ...
before but use comma to make it different from the first and the second sentence

2. ... similar point which is dippeddippeddipped in 41 to 50 years
It is better to use passive form, is dipped ---> dipped

3. than increase gradually untilto 71 years
Verb + to is to show what the data have reached.

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Rules for work-force to wear every day a dress which have company symbols [4]

Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Several companies have made rules for their work-force to wear dress which have company symbols every day. In contrast, many people think an effort that employee give to the company is more essential than the appearance that worker usually show. However, there are many considerations that need to think about which one is the best weather dress formally or give more portion on work activity.

Formal or appropriate dress sometimes give more contribution to a company, especially for which directly connect to public service. It happens because people will get good impression if they see a company who wear same dress in office. They will have an opinion that professionalism is number one and can be proved by their clothes. For instance, in Mandiri Bank, employee has to wear dress formally to increase the number of customers who want to save their money. I think people will understand that employee has good education background and can solve the problem quickly. Besides that, wearing good dress will show that both employee and boss are worker, so there is nothing different and make a harmony and good culture.

However, there is another option say that quality of work is more significant than wearing good dress. The purpose of someone in office is working. So, they do not need to think about a dress that they want to wear in office, but still obey culture in a country. People will feel more comfortable if they can use clothes that they prefer to use. It can raise the spirit of working and give more contribution to the company. For instance, In Pertamina, worker does not need to use same dress. They can use anything because purpose of the company is getting more benefit not how beautiful the office is.

All in all, dress formally can give good impact to the company but it does not improve the quality of work. In my opinion, the company should emphasise the purpose of job and let the worker wear whatever clothes that they want.
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / To become an employee, working man or having business are available choices for people. [2]

Hi
1. ... having a job is need by people ...
Passive form: to be + past participle
Hence, is + needed

2. ... BecomeBecoming employee, (...) having business are choosechosen by people ...
Become = verb, it needs to be changed into adjective,
Become -----> Becoming
are choose it should be replaced by are chosen

3. ... having own company or start up havehas advantages ,,,
Because there is only one verb and it is singular, so have should be replaced by has

Thank you, I hope it can help you
Break a leg!
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The graph below and the chart on the next page show the answers people gave [4]

The graph below and the chart on the next page show the answers people gave about the extent to which they are satisfied with their lives and what they think would make them happiest.

The graph provides information about satisfaction with life according to different age and the chart is about things that make people happy across age groups. Overall, it can be seen that the least happiness occur in young age by having money, while money for older people do not make them happy.

In the beginning, both men and women have different satisfying score when men's score is 5.5 and women's score is 5.3. After that, they have similar pattern in 21-30 age group until reach a bottom in 41-50 age group with score 5. In the following years, the trend is upward and hit a high point at 5.6 for everyone age 61-70.

Young people say that money make them happy and decrease sharply in the following age group. On the other hand, health begins from the bottom at about 10 percent and increase to above 40 percent in age more than 75. There is a cross in age group 45-54 between health and money to make people happy.



  • The Graph

  • The Chart
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Online games: they decrease children's time to study but also help them to enhance their knowledge. [3]

Hi, I'm trying to make some comments

1. Children playing online gameswho play online games will bring out drawback likesuch aschildren spending more time ...
# It is better to use conjunction to make it complex sentence ----> Children who play online games
# you have already mentioned 'children' in the beginning, so to reduce repetitive just delete the second 'children'

2. Many children feel happy when they are playing game online so that they are ...
It is better for you to use present perfect because the action happen in the past and still continue or there is an effect today.

Thank you
Hopefully it can useful
mardian24   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many opportunities to be an entrepreneur - and benefits too. [2]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

Several start-up companies have existed in this era. It is happen because there are many opportunities to be an entrepreneur. Although, some people think that work as a employee is the best choice in life. I believe that people who have their own company giving more positive effects than drawbacks.

Firstly, people who become entrepreneur have flexible time to manage their own business. They can choose what time do the company open and decide when it will be closed. Also, if people have a lot of orders from customer, they can open the company longer than usual. A further benefit is that people can open job opportunity. It is very helpful due to they can decrease the amount of unemployment in their neighbourhood. After that, the government is helped by reducing the rate of poverty level in a country. And of course, the owner of company feels satisfying because they can help other people.

On the other hand, becoming an entrepreneur has drawbacks effect. First of all is high-risk. It happens because if there is something bad happening, the company easily get bankrupt. Skills are needed to manage the company. Another disadvantage is that there are many competitors that compete to get many profits. The worse think that will occur is criminality. The competitor can do anything to be leader market.

All in all, I think to be an entrepreneur is more benefits than working in office as an employee. However, someone who wants to start business should think twice about the risk of tax and they must have big capital to make big company and to anticipate if there is a problem in financial sector.
mardian24   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Wind turbines can be located in different places which means different output, benefits or drawbacks [2]

Writing Task 1 - The diagrams below show the design for a wind turbine and its location.

The diagrams show a turbine that can be moved by turbine and where it can be placed. The turbine consists of blades, wind sensor, generator, steel tower, and computer. Overall, it can be seen that wind turbines can be located in different places and it will give different output, benefit, and drawback.

The process begins when a blade which is made by fiberglass or wood is pushed by wind; generator will turn and generates the electricity. It can produce 1.5 megawatts. Afterward, speed and direction of wind is controlled by wind sensor. Finally, computer is used to decide where the best direction for turbine to get optimal wind is.

Turbines can be placed in three different places. Firstly, it can be put in the sea where it does not disturb the scenery. Secondly, domestic turbine was located near local home. It will give 100 kilowatts for electricity output. And the last, it can be placed on the hill where there is wind with highest power.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2-media-celebrity-ordinary people. On which group media should focus more? [6]

Hi pram, I'm trying to make some corrections
1. In the modern era, the celebrity's stories ....
Article the is used when people know what you are talking about because you have mentioned the thing before or it is clear from the context. However, you did not mention celebrity's stories before, so do not need to use article 'the'

2. While, some people think ...
While in the beginning of sentence do not need comma, so delete it

3. ... inspiration program from influences people.
It is better to use 'to' instead 'from because in the meaning, it means that to whom 'inspiration program' will be given, so use preposition to

Thank you, break a leg.
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is another side of people's life that need to be served at the public TV - no more gossips! [2]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers, or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.

Most television programs show about activities from famous people, but there is another side of people's life that need to serve to the public. However, I tend to agree that ordinary people need to be shown on television although celebrities have big portions in public interest.

Nowadays, people always follow information about celebrities everywhere. They argue that it is more attractive to be watched than normal people. For instance, In Indonesia, there is a reality show that tells information about actor's home and the activity. This makes inhabitants exciting to know much more about the actor itself. As a result, people enjoy getting news and ask to media to show celebrities activity intensively. However, there is another person that need to be announced in television besides celebrities life.

Normal people sometimes do not give sensational information for viewers. If people come deeply to their life, they will understand how extremely getting money is. Therefore, tv program should report ordinary people too. For instance, 'If I want to be' is the title of the most famous reality show in Indonesia. This program gives motivation to people to keep spirit to face the problems in life and can change people's habit to be better than before. Thus, do not underestimate people to be shown at the media today.

In conclusion, I agree that celebrities are more significant than ordinary people, but media should make a balance between celebrities and normal people to be shown on television. In my opinion, it depends on people how they think about the information that they want to get, but the media should tell the news from everyone.
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / There was a gradual downward trend in the percentage of English teachers in Ontario [2]

Writing Task 1 - Percentage of first-year teachers with regular teaching jobs by year of graduation

The graph shows the information about the percentage of english and french first-year teacher from 2001 to 2007 based on graduation year in Ontario. Overall, it can be see that there was a gradual downward trend in the percentage of english teachers, but the number of french teachers increased slightly. And then, the percentage of french teachers dominates over a six-year period.

According to the graph, there was a dramatic fall in the wide range of english teachers, while plenty of french teachers went up and down between 2001 and 2003.

From 2003 to 2005, english and french teachers have same graphic, there were a gradual rise from 40 percent to 45 percent and 68 percent to 70 percent in english and french teachers respectively.

2005 saw an extreme fall in the number of english teachers, whereas the number of french teachers fluctuated. In 2007, plenty of english teachers hit a high point at 74 percent.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas [6]

Hi Pramudia27 , I'm trying to make some comments

1. ... the secondary age people areis the problematical persons
It is talking about group, so use verb in plural form

2. ...health care is the Highershighest difficult proportion of ...
Higher is used for comparative and for superlative use -est. In that sentence, it tells about the most high, hence, use highest

3. ... people just get overto about 35% this problem.
Maybe it is better to use 'to about'
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - Three Problems When Move to Overseas [2]

Hi anna, I'm trying to find some errors
1. Pursuing education for children areis the smallest problems for all age
Because only one subject, so use singular verb, are ----> is
2. ... increase from young people to middle people by just under 35 percent - 35 percent
Where is the changing in young people? The first is 35 percent and the second is 35 percent. It means steady.
3. ... people get in the middle age withto just under 40%
To say the level something reached, use a verb + to
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The chart compares the problems of citizens who stay outside their home countries [5]

Hi Reski, I'm trying to make some corrections.
1. ... the problems of citizencitizens ...
On the question, there are many persons, so to paraphrase people use plural form, citizen become citizens
2. The biggest problem about money areis experienced by ...
Only one problem, so change it into singular from, are become is
3. While, the oldest age category finds it as the smallest ...
'it' is a subject, so after verb use an object
4. the biggest feature that underwent by in people ages 35-54 ...
mardian24   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Middle aged people have the highest problem over all activities in a new living place [5]

Writing Task 1 - Problems people have when they go to live in other countries.

The chart shows information about the problems for people who come to visit another country according to the age. Overall, it can be seen that people in the middle age group have the highest problem over all activities and searching school for their children is the lowest problems. Besides that, finding healthcare has the highest from middle age to older age.

The greatest problem for young people aged 18-34 is getting finances. The percentage is 38 percent of this problem. However, only 35 percent of 35-54 is hard to gain finances, whereas 27 percent of people aged over 55 have this problem.

Thirty-four percent people have the problem how to get healthcare in the young age. And then get higher than before of 34 percent. At the end, it is a decrease to 28 percent in the older age.

Searching school for people's children is 6 percent, while in the middle age is the highest of 18 percent and in the older age is the lowest fewer than 5 percent.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, children can do whatever they want, often bad things, and it leads to the health issues [3]

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this proble.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?


Nowadays, children can do whatever they want, especially for bad things in daily life. As a result, parents and schools have to anticipate children's attitude to prevent negative effect that will come to their life particularly for getting food.

Most children love trying something new just to decrease their curiosity. They always buy food on the street where there are many unhealthy foods. For instance, In Indonesia, children usually buy candy which is made by local people and it contains plenty of dust because it is sold next to main road. As a result, even the cost is cheap; children will get sick because of dirty food. Therefore, children should buy food in the right place and they need control from schools and parents to find where the best place or better shop to buy food.

On one hand, controlling children to get some foods are given by schools and parents. Parents can make food and give it to children and then they will bring it to school. In addition, school must selective to choose whether food can be sold in school or not. For instance, kinder garden student always bring their meal to school to prevent buying food in shoal. The other example is school trying one by one food to make sure the condition of the food and make a punishment to prevent unhealthy food existing in school. However, parents and schools have the biggest contribution to make sure there is no bad food in school.

To sum up, it seems that negative lifestyle for children especially about meal can be reduced by the nearest environment, such as, schools and parents. In my view, school have to give explanation about the dangerous food to human body and make a regulation to limit the number of sellers in school and to control the nutrition food. Besides, parents should always give advice to children about how to know clean food and describe the effect for bad food.

(327 Words)

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