Undergraduate / Home stay program in Japan - My hobbies, culture activities, sporting activities [7]


My interest in chemistry began in my first year at the Secondary School.


I agree... I think you should talk more about your passion for chemistry and how you pursued that passion, what you achieved etc.

Also, iI like studying foreign languages, iIhave beenbegan to studystudying Korean, Japanese and English because I felt it is the best way to understand otherthose cultures is to study their languages.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing: Qualities for Becoming Successful Can't Learn At A University? [6]

Pay attention to what Pahan suggested with regard to your introduction. In this task, you need to introduce your topic to the reader first and should not answer the prompt directly. This is to assess your essay writing skills and therefore adopt an essay writing style. You write extremely well and I think you can easily score for a very good band :)

Good luck with IELTS!

Writing Feedback / if you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor? toefl essay [4]

Well, I think you have covered all these things in your essay. I find this is very well written. If you managed it withing 30 minutes, then I would say that you really don't have to worry about this task. Move on to practice other tasks because you are quite ready to take this up :)

Wish you good luck with TOEFL :)

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - UT Austin Computer Engineering Transfer [4]

Well, it's absolutely ok that you have not liked my comment :) But if you want to give likes, I don't think you need any likes. Try again and let me know because I need to inform that to the administrator of this site :)

About the issue topic, I suggest you to do your own draft first. If you need help, you may find some essays written on the similar topic here too. Just get some idea and do your own response. You have good writing skills and nothing to worry about :) Open a new thread for your issue essay and post it there. I hope to provide you my feedbacks :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]

Well, for me, I have place lots of confidence in the structure I suggest for everybody on this forum. In fact it is not something I invented or created, but a structure that I found doing some research on net. There are so many websites that offers help with students to prepare for these tasks and literally almost every site recommends that structure. This task is not good for you to experiment on. It is always better that you follow a certain pattern and develop your time management skills on this task. So, get hold of a good structure that contains all the features that help you earn marks for this task and also helps you save time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Capital punishment (the death penalty) in society [12]


Well, I still feel it is better you include your opinion in the intro due to the nature of this task because it is not something which you require to display your creative talents, but proficiency of your English writing. It is a test to assess students on English language requirements. So, you've got to concentrate more on completing the task on time having every important feature in it to fill your score bag. Equally you need to impress your examiner and convince the guy with your justifications. When you express your position in the intro itself, it is easier for you to take him along your path. Who knows whether they read it in full? ...LOL

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - UT Austin Computer Engineering Transfer [4]

I find this SOP is very well written. You cover all important aspects of a SOP such as how your passion developed in the field, how you pursued your passion, your future goals . This sounds almost perfect. However, you can add a little more on;


Tell a bit more on how will the specific program help you achieve your future goals :)

Writing Feedback / Eassy For Toefl: computer for students vs books for library [6]


I like if you improved the presentation of this sentence;
Today, there is hardly any institution, be it deals with business, academics or administration, that does not use computers.


The main reason why computers are more useful in a library than books is that they would enable access to a huge range of books at a very low cost.


This sentence is not really required for this para :(

Undergraduate / I am a girl who's beyond lucky; UW Seattle transfer [6]

quote=Rechy]Hi dumi, could you help review my transfer essay? I can't post it on here, so I'd rather you send me your email.[/quote]

Hmmmmmm... I cannot give my personal email address here in this forum. If you give me your e-mail address, then I can drop you an e-mail. I am a quite busy person, however, I shall try my best to help you with this paper :)

Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems? [9]

I do not say you have followed a very different approach. However, my suggestion is little different from what you have done in your essay. Your body paragraphs are pretty long and your reasons are quite expanded which, in my view, may put you in trouble. I mean you may not be able to handle time effectively. If I were you, I wouldn't have spent so much time elaborating on the reason.

Undergraduate / Personally, I have evolved as a person; Temple University Essay [3]

Where we are headedheading in the future solely relies on what we make of ourselves, and what decision's we choose that may refine us in anywamake today and how committed we are to achieving future goals.


... better you include passion, commitment / dedication etc. :)

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay on banning schoolies forever [7]

Or worse, your child not coming home at all, because he/she has been arrested, and isand in jailspending months in prison


.... there is a grammar issue :(
The reason is that this issue causes problematic and unpleasant situations for teenagers.


Alcohol is the main substance that get schoolies addicted and that create fights, unpleasant scenes and problems.

Undergraduate / Cornell University - REASONS for TRANSFER [3]


Well, for me, this sounds a little negative and I fear this may work negatively on your candidacy. Instead of saying that you are open to any field and like to absorb any sort of knowledge, I feel it is better to say that you are not very certain about specialization in a particular field.


Give some example for this so that they know you are talking through a good understanding about Cornell.

Writing Feedback / Egypt and United State: Differences and Similarities [4]

The world became too small and the countries became too close fromto each other all of that as a result of these technologies in the worldas a result of the major technological advancement took place in the 21st century. Today, the people need to possess knowledge about otherPeople have to knowabout the countries that he would go to for work or another purposemore due to globalization effects .

When compared to Egypt, the United stateStateshavehas huge differences and similarities such asin terms of history, population and power production.

Writing Feedback / Learning from experience or from book, TOEFL [6]

You have not given much consideration to the structure I suggested you above for your introduction. I think you need to be concerned about the features that help you earn a good score as well as the time too. The structure I suggested above would help you with both of them. I don't say your introduction is written badly, however, it lacks the most essential features that it should contain. For instance, you have not adequately introduced the background of this issue to the reader. Then you have not firmly stated your opinion in the intro. The reader needs to know these things more than the reasons that you use to justify your opinion and the place for justifications is your body paras.

Undergraduate / I plan on majoring in International Business and to be able to establish global connections. [2]

Well, this prompt asks you;


In your response, you basically attempt to talk about your exposure in Japan. That is not a problem, however, you need to talk about the significance of your exposure in building your personality or the person who you are today. Tell them what you learned through that experience, how it influenced you to change your perceptions or build your outlook. You need to portray yourself through these experiences.

Writing Feedback / Why people go to Japan for vacation (Writing Class' assignment - English Major) [4]


The first reason is that Japan possesses a very distinct and unique culture.


... this is not so clear to me... are you talking about Japan's various cultures? You need to rephrase this sentence because it gets reader puzzled.


They are very advance and futuristic when it comes to using technology.

I think you should have better connection with the ideas expressed in above sentences. You touch on culture aspect here in this body para and mainly, its traditions, influence of technology and people. However, you do not connect these three things properly and therefore this para does not flow well.

Writing Feedback / Wealth and poorer nations; 'developing country and developed country' [3]


.... This is pretty too long for a hook. Have a more simple and relevant sentence to open your essay.


This is too vague. Your prompt expects you to state your opinion and you better do it in the introduction itself before concluding the intro. I think I have provided you the most appropriate format for the introduction in your other essay. Hope you would pay attention to that. Also, pay attention to what Pahan has suggested for your overall essay structure!

Writing Feedback / What is your approach to problem-solving, and how does it work for you? [4]

First, what is the purpose of this writing? It is good for us to know so that we could give you more task related feedbacks.


This needs a bit improvement in terms of clarity :)
Finally, in my opinionsopinion , asking somegetting advises from your family or best friends (no comma) who care enough about you and knownknow your character better, is the most effective way to approach a problem.

Writing Feedback / Learning from experience or from book, TOEFL [6]

You should have included the prompt so that we could have understood what it really expects form you.


.... doing what?

Writing Feedback / IELTS - teach every young person how to be a good parent [4]


.... excellent hook :)


well, this sounds like an opinion. Before expressing your opinion, you should introduce the background of the issue to the reader. Simply paraphrase the prompt;

Some people view that every young male and female should be taught how to be a good parent in their adult life.
Now express your opinion that whether you agree or disagree with that statement :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Working people are busy -don't have time for family and friends; severe consequences [5]


In the modern society, people have become very busy with their work and this phenomenon has led them to have less time to be with their families and friends.


... wrong grammar - has roused


...
this phenomenon is due to the increased competition in society and usage of hi-tech devices.


Although information technology offers us convenient and efficient solutions, it has negatively affected the way we interact with family and friends.

Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems? [9]


This is quite natural as you start practicing and you would keep improving with each practice essay. The best way to go about is to practice with time and also follow a firm structure.

Undergraduate / GOOD FIT ; Transfer Essay- BOSTON UNI [2]


Chance to explore what? Better specify!


.... what do you mean by saying developing physically? It is not clear :(
Boston University will push me out of my comfort zone and I will be challenged in even moremany ways than I thought possible.can think of.

Undergraduate / College Freshman Essay; A Midsummer Night's Dream. [2]

In " A Midsummer Night's Dream" , Shakespeare writes his characters to mean somethingcontain a deep meaning. Each and every trait is given deliberately. Bottom is one such character. Bottom is a weaver by day time , a playwright by night, and an ignoramus all the time.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Words Speak Louder Than Words [5]

First, it is good for us to know the purpose of this writing. Is this for a class assignment? If so, what was the topic or the prompt?


.... I find some repetition here. This is what I suggest;
From ancient time to date, many generations have acknowledged the fact that actions matter more than mere words. Therefore I fully agree with the proverb "Actions speak louder than words".

Writing Feedback / Extended definition essay; Enigma, intro and outline [3]

Everyone knows how it is (no comma) to encounter a situation that leaves one wondering how it happened. According to Merriam-Webster, enigma is described as someone or something that is difficult to understand or to explain. The term enigma is commonly used when we discussdiscussing about the world's mysteries, such as the occurrence of an abnormally cold winter despite the global warming, unsolved disappearance of people or the formation of crop circles.(full stop) However, it was also used as the name of a spook hardware due to it's complexity that people invested so much to solve. Enigma may be defined as a puzzle or a dark riddle (no ;) although (no comma) little was it known, that it also referred to a device that made a difference between victory and defeat to the Germans during WWII.

Writing Feedback / racism and xenophobia are attitude that we are taught, not born with, then the problems [3]

You have to type your essay in the Message block. You shouldn't have uploaded your essay in a file which is not very supportive for us to provide our feedbacks for you. So, type your essay and re-post it in this same thread. Also, make sure you open all IELTS essays in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate essay forum for them.

Research Papers / Why vaccinations are important? English 102 class [2]


The modern field of medicine is constantly discovering new methods to keep us healthy and safe.


One such profound and beneficial discovery had been was the vaccines. However, some have begun to question about their overall safety .
Researchers tried for several years to recreate the results of the study, yet were never successful in confirming Wakefield's hypothesis.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Young people now have a lot of pressure . [5]


Give more focus to the actual reason;
First, due to high competition, the parents too apply a great pressure on their children when it comes to studies of their children. They try to get their children involved in all sorts of academic activities in and outside the college leaving very little time and space for children to enjoy their childhood.

Writing Feedback / IELTS General Task 1- Letter to employer describing the problem [4]

First, I have a small admin request for you. Please open all IELTS related topics in Writing Feedback forum. (I transferred this from Resume to Writing Feedback)Also, have a more meaningful topic for your essays.


This is an excellent suggestion by Pahan. You can now say;
Therefore I fear that I would not be able to maintain the required attendance level which is mandatory for the completion of my degree program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, LIFE WILL BE BETTER IN THE FUTURE OR NOT [5]


People tend to worry about their future without knowing what will happen in time to come.


I find this is pretty irrelevant to your topic. Now it is the time for you to introduce the background of your issue to the reader;

Some people feel that future life would not be as good as their present life while others tend to have hopes for a brighter future.

Simply paraphrase your prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - homework to students everyday - 'intersection between home and school' [4]


This is a pretty weak opening. You need to begin your essay with a sentence that is powerful enough to hook the reader and grab his attention. The hook should be relevant to your topic, clearly presented and interesting.

Writing Feedback / University students should be required to attend class; 'skipping some boring' [3]


.... This has several issues - grammar, clarity, presentation :(
You have to rephrase this sentence!



.... wrong grammar again;
university student should be required
advancement of technology
You need to pay lots of attention to grammar and sentence structuring. Write simple and short sentences first and when you get a good knack of grammar move into more complex sentences.

Scholarship / ENERGY FIELD; Statement of Career Objectives; SCHOLARSHIP [3]


It was a great opportunity for me to develop my interpersonal skills, team spirit and research capabilities.
It also demonstrated me that wind can be one of anthe energy resourcessources that we can use it to pump the water.
After my graduation, I have been offered a job in the energy field and I have been working in this field for almost two years.in which I now have over two years work exposure.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: "To err is human" - listening to the advice of family and friends [9]

I feel your essay is too lengthy and I wonder whether you were able to finish it within the time allowed for this task. You need to hold on to an essay structure that helps you manage time effectively while including all essential feature that helps you earn a decent score. I may have provided the most appropriate essay structure in that regard.

Writing Feedback / Government budgets should be spent on public transportation or road and highways - Toefl [5]

Include the prompt in your essay for us to understand what it really requires from you.

Good transportation facilitates easy and convenient travel.


This sentence is too complicated and lengthy. Simply paraphrase your prompt to introduce the background of the issue. Avoid constructing too complex sentence structures because your reader would be tired of reading them.

Undergraduate / 'greatness and prosperity' How family history, culture - influenced who you are? [2]


... this sentence sounds confusing for me. What do you really mean by this?
I remember sitting around the dinner table listening to the stories of my father telling me how his life took a dramatic turn for the worst the dayfrom the day his mother died.

I see that you have a tendency to overdo when expressing your ideas. I wish you re-do this whole answer and re-post it here.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Hours of leisure time per year in Someland [5]


I suggest you to take this line after introduction and present it as the overview (have a look at Pahan's suggestion).
I personally feel this task does not require a conclusion. First, a conclusion is your final judgement or opinion. For the task 2 essay you need to have that because it is based on an argument or issue. However, Task 1 asks expects a report of your observations without analysis or opinions. On the other hand, an "overview" is a simple description of the main points. It is a summary of the information shown in the graph or chart.

Second, a conclusion should be at the end of a piece of writing. An overview or general summary could go either at the end or near the beginning. Personally, I think it's a good idea to describe the main features of the graph or chart near the beginning of your essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- People should take time to relax with hobbies or physical activities [7]

With the fast pace of today's society, people are under great pressure from daily work .

Pay attention to what Pahan has suggested above. This is where you have attempted to introduce the background of the prompt, but it has been said a bit differently to what your prompt suggests.


This suggests that people should make their leisure time effectively.