Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - APARTMENT VS HOUSE; people can decide what they would like to choose [3]

HI Alifah, your essay is the 3rd one I have reviewed so far on the same IELTS exercise.
This is actually very good, it made me do a healthy comparison between the essays as well
as do a concrete remarks and enhancement to better the essay.

So, here's what I have for you.

- much better sensationsense of community for several reasons.
- People who live in the flats are generally engaged
- and doare not interested in
- their neighbour'sneighbor's activities.
- For example, bB ased on the data from a magazine article,
- Indonesia, are mostly are businessmen
- and rarely to stay in their apartment for a long time.

- On the other hand, citizens in housing area are not individualslike in the apartment zone because
- As a result, there will beis more interaction among

- To sum upOverall , people can decide whether they will
- I suggest them tothat they choose an apartment

There you have it Alifah, I hope I was able to help.
The only challenge I have with your essay is your choice of words and how you put it together, you still need more practice,
I know that this IELTS exercise will be able to help you master the English Language.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: living in high-rise apartment does not decrease people's sense of community [2]

Hi Anggadia, I would like to share my review on your essay.
As you can see, there are a few students who did the same IELTS exercise as you have,
as what I always suggest, it will not hurt if you will read some of their work, this way you can
create a healthy competition between their work and yours and you will be able to see how and where
you stand in this exercise.

Here's what I have for your essay.

- The places where people live sometimes influence
- those who live on the houses,
- while the opposite argue that flats occupants are more likely to ignore each other.
- Although it is true that appartmentapartment ( be careful with your typo ) inhabitant

- Living in an apartment building is often associated
- live in flats are rarely involved in community

- In conclusion, although high-rise appartmentapartment dwellers rarely have

There you have it Anggadia, I hope my remarks help.
What I suggest is that you focus on your sentence construction, your linking verbs as well as how you
you put your words together, this is very crucial.

Undergraduate / One of the communities to which I belong is the community of tennis players both. [2]

Hi Nathan, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay and some corrections if necessary.

- which I continue to
- members of Rutgers C ollege tennis club team.

- This also happened to also be my first, albeit intimidating,
- exposure in a position of leadershipas a leader .

- The next yearA s a sophomore,
- That year, like the year before,(this is definitely unnecessary as we have established the time frame already )
- What I will remember most, however,( however - denotes contrast and in this sentence you don't need it )
- such as myself, felt includedfeel welcomed and part of the team.

- That year, I further discovered first hand myself( you already said "I" so "myself " will be redundant ) that being
- a leader of a group, grants you the privilege to ensure everyone's happiness.

- Playing tennis in college wonderfullyabsolutely opened its welcoming arms once again,
- as I get to enjoy playing a sport that I love with others who share mythe same feeling.

There you have it Nathan, I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / "When i learned compromise" (expert) - FASHION INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY ADMISSION ESSAY Fashion merch [3]

Malak, first of all, I applaud your courage on making a decision to take on a very challenging field to enter.
The Fashion industry is a highly regarded industry with a very rigid competition.

Now, going back to your concern about the smooth transition of your essay.
Indeed, the flow of your essay needs be addressed, however, a more important note
is for you to be able to justify your decision in choosing The Fashion Institute.

Your essay started in a quiet puzzled way, i a good way, you were able to depict the beginning of making this decision,
the background, as well as were your academic career is leading to.
Moreover, you made sure that you have a clear goal set for your career. Basically, what I'm saying is, go straight to the
point, make sure that you point out reasons on choosing the institution and stand out amongst the applicants, highlight
your achievements as well as your contribution to your future academic family.

Writing Feedback / I strongly believe that inventors play the same significant role as doctors. IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Alifah, I would like to share my thoughts and corrections for your essay.
As you have noticed, there are a few students who answered the same prompt,
it might be worth it to read them and do a healthy comparison.

Anyhow, I would like to help in enhancing your essay, please find the corrections below;

- doctors have crucial position in humans' lives. ( or you can use "human existence" instead of "human lives" )

- buy medicine need doctors'doctor's receipt to be allowed to get thata cure.
- All inOver all, it is clear that the humans'human's ( be careful in using the punctuation marks ) health rely on the doctors.

- do their job as well.
- For instance, the invention of a medical device

There you have it Alifah, I hope I was able to help.
I just want to remind you again that your punctuation marks needs to be placed properly in the words you use such
as "human's" and other words alike.

I wish to see more of your writing pieces here on EF.

Writing Feedback / Each occupation has different roles and functions in the society; inventors vs doctors essay [2]

Hi Mita, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Majority of the people think
- I firmly disagree aboutwith the statement for some reasons.
- This essay will describeexplain my opinion about it.

- ForAn example,is the legend and famous scientist,
- As a result, nowadays, all people in the world have usedpeople nowadays are using his invention
- forin doing many
- There is no doubt that this has improved
-without the creation of discoverersthe inventors .

- Consequently, in thea short time,
- the death illness in my region significantly decline significantly and villagers

- To sum upOverall , although
- order to make people's lives better.

There you have it Mita, I hope my corrections helped in enhancing your essay, I would also like to suggest that you
mind the placement of your words and read your sentences out loud, sometimes if you read it and something is
off, that usually means something has to be changed.

Undergraduate / Ohio State University - imagining 5-year-old myself - Essay for Honors Program [3]

Hi Nguyen. I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
I have also made some corrections below that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- Whenever I come back home after a semester,
- For me, I imagine my 5-year-old self would

- I wouldcan explain that,
- Eventually, I believe that my 5-year-old self willis be satisfied with my choices,
- because hethat "little swine" and I is only one unique person.

There you have it Nguyen, I hope my corrections helped.
What I notice is your choice of words, you tend to be comfortable with the words you choose
that you didn't play with other words anymore, this is fine however, if you can incorporate other words
and experiment it will make your essay bolder and stronger.

I really hope my insights helped.

Graduate / Current social issue, relevant to social work practice VS interest in the social work profession [2]

Hi Katheryn, I hope my remarks below is not too late for your submission date.

Now, before I read your essay, I made sure that I understand the prompt and what is asked of you to write.
As I finish reading and carefully understand your essay, I must say that you were able to address what is asked of
the prompt as well as the needed info about the subject.

What I would suggest that you do is keep your paragraphs bold by merging a few of the small paragraphs,
this way you will have 3 main paragraphs to be presented in a neat and more formal way.

I also like the fact that you kept the punctuation marks in the right position and you didn't miss on anything
that needs to be highlighted in order to bring emphasis on your ideas.

Overall, it's a good essay and I hope my insights helped and I wish you the best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Aspirations of serving my country. USNA ESSAY, I need as much help as I can get [2]

Hi Natalia, I would like to try and help out with your essay.
Kindly find the corrections below;

- It has madeinspired me to strive,
- to succeed and be the best for myself,
- and that is why it would be in my best interest to pursue the Naval Academy. ( I have deleted the phrase as we have established the subject in the essay )

- this pastlast summer,
- and I would be honoredit is my honor to be a part of it. ( approach this sentence with much positivity )

- I want to becomewill be a leader whose
- I realized how important my integrity wasis when
- I so happenedhappen to
- have beenbe partnered with one of these petty officers,
- Because he was of higherHim being at higher rank,
- that my account with my friends does not take precedence over my morals.
- I can expand onstrengthen these values to
- help me achieve my long range goals of becoming the best N aval O fficer I can be.

There you have it Natalia, I hope my corrections help enhance your essay.

Scholarship / 300-words Study Plan for NTUST's Scholarship Essay - best MBA program and study experience [2]

Maria, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.
I must say your essay is written good and it can be better.

When it comes to choosing 3 words to describe,
imagine that as three best words that nobody else would have at the same time,
it should be three words that almost everybody, if not everybody, share the same view
in describing you as a person.Here's my suggestions;

3 words

hard-working - use "diligent" , it's synonymous to hard working, however, it has an impact and a much more formal approach that will enhance the significance of your being.

energetic - use "well spirited " , this word has the same emphasis as to energetic but then again, the impact is heavier.

eager to learn something new - use "ready - for - challenge" , this is one of my favorites, it just defines the human race and our ever - ready nature.

I hope my suggestions helped, again, it's your choice to choose them and use them in your essay and I hope you will, a simple word choice

can greatly affect your essay.

Undergraduate / A holistic education is best for me - USC Transfer essay #1 [5]

Tiffany, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

The opening or introduction of the essay is indeed not very catchy, if the goal is to attract the readers to focus on what you have to say,

the title is one that they look for. Now, I suggest this title;
Holistic approach to education is the key to a successful student.
I'm not sure if you'd go for this title but at least it gives a different approach on what
your goal is, in writing this essay. The introduction is as well needs to geared towards
choosing USC and not to involve GSU, you can refer to GSU as "previous institution",
or "prior to my decision to go for USC", something like this, this way it sounds more
professional and you leave utmost respect to your former family and look forward to joining
a new circle that will help enhance your academic capacity as well as your personality.

How you choose and played with words in your essay is what sets your essay apart from
any essays, the combination of conversational words and highly regarded words are in such
effort that they don't seem to be very heavily put together and rather light and easy to understand.

I hope my insights helped and I wish you the Best of LUCK!!!

Writing Feedback / Compare And Contrast Study English in Dominic Place and Abroad [3]

Nguyen, I have read and carefully understood your essay.
I must say, you were able to justify a very good contrast between the
two ideas.Indeed, learning the English Language greatly varies on the
geographical location, not only that, it also has a lot of factors such as,
the exposure of the student to the language, the usage of the language in their
daily life and how beneficial it will be or it is now in there lives.

Moreover, I like the fact that you were able to make your point without using very
unusual words that will not be understood by a normal reader. You used words
that are very conversational and very easy to comprehend.

What I think that can be improved though is your presentation, I believe you will
be able to compress the paragraphs and make it into 4 paragraphs, this way it
will be presented in a more formal and professional way.

I wish the best of luck and I hope you keep writing to further enhance your
writing skills. Do let us know should you need further assistance.

Graduate / [Proof read] Long SFU MBA ESSAY Questions | Why MBA?,Team Work, Career Goals, Business Issues, etc [7]

Hi Tanmay, thank you for validating my contributions on your essay and don't worry about being a contributor, you can always share your thoughts here on EF.

Here are my thoughts on your insights;

1. I did use "after" a lot thanks for noticing it. I believe it is "made me realize" must have been a typo... - this is acceptable

2. I have used "but" to show the contrast - independent but at the same time responsible. Using "with" weakens that contrast. Should I use "however"?

- using "however" is more formal, sounds better and more importantly, appropriate to the sentences you have.

4. I have used the word broader in the sense that the managers will not do technical jobs of collecting data, filtering data,etc rather they will analyze the data from a very top level. I'm not sure how to explain this. Like living being can be broadly classified as animal and plans then comes in depth classification of animals and plants.

- this is quiet complicated one as I'm not knowledgeable in technical terms in your field, however, I suggest that you make it a point that regardless of how complicated the terms are, you explain it in a way that majority of your readers will be able to understand.

5. sure about aid? - "aid" for me is an appropriate word, it's not common, thus it will bring your essay to a significant level

knowing that you are able to play with unusual words that work perfectly with your sentences.

There you have it Tanmay, I hope it helps.
Best of luck to you and let us know when you need further assistance.

Scholarship / Study Objective and Personal Statement for Fulbright - Senescyt Scholarship, Ecuador [3]

Felipe, for the second essay on this Fulbright application,
here are my thoughts;

The presentation is appropriately done, not a mess around the essay or the pattern
of the paragraphs. There is also a good number of paragraphs and they are bold enough
to depict the sentences that illustrates the purpose of the essay.

It is well written to the point that it is almost in bullet points and elaborated properly.
I also like the fact that you were able to adhere to what is asked of the prompt, the objectives
that you enumerated are clear and direct to the point, targets that are realistic enough to be achieved
both academically and more so, mentally.

I hope my insights helped and oh, with your grammar,
it can be betted but overall, you have written a good essay.

Graduate / [Proof read] Long SFU MBA ESSAY Questions | Why MBA?,Team Work, Career Goals, Business Issues, etc [7]

Hi Tanmay, this is the last set of the proof reading session that we have.
Kindly find the remarks below.

7. What do you think are the three most relevant issues in today's business environment?

- In 2012, when Dunkin Donuts entered the Indian market,
- itthey ( they - is for people / set of people like corporation such as Dunkin Donut, "it" - is for a thing ) realized that

- Instances as such as these ,
- I feel are becoming prevalent
- In addition to globalization and big data,
- In the near future,

Finally done now!

The corrections above are very minor, just a few linking verbs and familiarity on substituting the subject.

I really hope my insights helps and hopefully you practice writing more, this way you will be able to enhance your
writing skills as well see the progress of your work.

Scholarship / Study Objective and Personal Statement for Fulbright - Senescyt Scholarship, Ecuador [3]

Felipe, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essays, first is your personal statement.

On a personal statement, I suggest that you eliminate a few sentences in order to direct your essay
to it's purpose, the reason of your essay is to make sure that the admission staff will see how you are
as a person, not much about your background but more into why and how you came up with
choosing Senescyt scholarship for Fulbright.

The one that the admission is going to look for is how you will be able to justify your decision in
choosing Fulbright and what drive you to become a part of the institution.
Moreover, highlight the relevance of your studies and your academic goals and how will this
be incorporated with Fulbright as your institution and your family.

I hope to red your revised essay soon and the best of luck to you.

Graduate / [Proof read] Long SFU MBA ESSAY Questions | Why MBA?,Team Work, Career Goals, Business Issues, etc [7]

Hi Tanmay, I'm back for the following questions.
Kindly find the remarks below.

5. Tell us something about yourself that we could not learn from the other documents in your application.

- said my father remarked .
- always aided me to attain my goals.

6. If you think your post-secondary grades do not accurately reflect your abilities, please explain why.

- Although I struggled to score decent grades at the start of the program,) this phrase is not necessary, I suggest deleting it,
I understand that we have to turn our weakness into strengths, at this point, it's not necessary )
- I covered it up by excellingI manage to excellater in the program.
-Typically, students score better in the first year and their scored plummet in the last two years.

That's about it for now, the last question is the next one.
I hope tis really helps.

Research Papers / Exploration Method for Wheeled Mobile Robots Using Fuzzy System - (Computer Science) [2]

Antonio, after studying and carefully reading your essay, here's what I found.

You have a good eye for details in your research paper, the presentation of the paragraphs
are appropriately written, not crowded, not messy, just the right number of paragraphs.
Also, as it is a short research paper, it just fits right in.

Now, when it comes to the things that can improve your essay, try to incorporate your
citation properly like writing the work with the page number alongside the idea or work
cited.

When it comes to the important facts and scientific terminologies though,
like close fuzzy configuration (CFC), I suggest you write it like,
Close Fuzzy Configuration (CFC), you see the difference. The emphasis on the words
matters as well, this gives life and strength to your paper and will allow great following from your reader.

I hope my insights help and I wish you the best of luck.

Graduate / [Proof read] Long SFU MBA ESSAY Questions | Why MBA?,Team Work, Career Goals, Business Issues, etc [7]

HI Tanmay, I'm back for the next 2 questions of your MBA Essay.
kindly find corrections and remarks below.

3. The MBA program involves intensive teamwork. Describe your experience working in teams.

- but also because it was indeed truethe absolute truth .

As you can see there's not much to correct in this part of the essay as it
is written well and you have chosen the proper words in most part of the essay.

4. What are your career goals following completion of the MBA program?

- them in broaderwider data analytics
- ensuringensure that these models
- produce impactfulsignificant results.

- In short term,( this phrase is not necessary ) I see myself working as a business analyst
- solving broadermore complex business
- My focus wouldis be to move up the ladder from business analyst to an SME.

That's about it for now Tanmay.
Hopefully I will be able to get back to you for the rest of the questions.

Graduate / [Proof read] Long SFU MBA ESSAY Questions | Why MBA?,Team Work, Career Goals, Business Issues, etc [7]

Tanmay, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay, we do it 2 questions at a time
in order to focus on the needed enhancement on your essay.

1. Why have you decided to pursue an MBA?

- AfterA ttaining an experience of 4 years in variety of industries and roles,
- I still feel that I need to add more skills to my toolkit.
- After a two year stintMy two years at L&T Infotech,
- Imade me realized that I was rising
- After gaining few years of experience, I feel MBA, such as theI believe that an MBA
- one that is offered at Beedie School of Business,

I believe you used the word "after " more than 4 times in this essay, if you can avoid that please do,
try to play with words like, "then"," moving forward", to denote the progress of your actions.

2. How will you contribute to our learning environment?

- From analysinganalyzing humongous SAN health
- I was independent butwith a lot more responsibleresponsibility for my work.

There you have it Tanmay, for the second essay, my only comment is avoid using the word "but" if you can, as the denotes

a negative impact to your essay and may mean a totally different understanding.

I will get back to you for the next questions, I hope I was able to help.

Scholarship / This is an essay on the challenges that my peers and I have encountered. [2]

Brayan, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay by addressing your concerns.

First of all, after reading and understanding your essay, I didn't see any spelling mistakes,
this can also be easily managed by turning on your spell checker in the computer. This feature
will not only help you with spelling but also give you options, such as the words synonyms and
acronyms that may work according to your sentences.

Next, the sentences are also appropriately written. I don't see any corrections there, of course
it can be better but some essays such as yours is good with simple conversational sentences.

Lastly, the issues that you chose to answer the prompt is suitable and it is actually what most of the
students are facing these days amongst racial discrimination and the likes.

I believe you were able to come up with a good essay here. I do encourage you to write more and
read a lot, this exercise helps enhance your writing skills.

Undergraduate / "Nothing in the world is worth having unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty". Naval Academy [3]

Stewart, I'm back for the rest of the essay.
Kindly find the corrections and remarks below;

The 3rd and 4th paragraph can be merged into 1
- Throughout my life, I have had variousmy experiences that have shaped my moral character.
- From hunting with my dad as a young kid to developing my faith through youth group.
- But I think what is unique about my moral character, among other applicants,( never compare yourself to others)
- is the two years that I have spent atin college.
- Most importantly, I recognize the virtue of a military academy environment compared to a normal college,

The last 2 paragraphs
- I was cheating myself by waiting a night or two before a test to study. But after being true to myself, I realized the need to refine my time management habits. Instead of studying a day or two before a test, I started studying weeks in advance for exams.( this information is not necessary at all )

- AtIn the Naval Academy,
- I think I couldwill be a valuable asset in
- mentoring my fellow midshipmen as they transition from high school to college - something that I already know well .( I suggest to delete this, it might come as a bit bragging )

- If givenGiven admission to yourthe Naval Academy,

There you it Stewart, I hope my remarks helped and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Research Papers / Discourse of Democracy in Indonesia: Critical Study on Media and Elites Language Ideology [2]

Ahmad, I'd like to share my thoughts on this research paper.

The good points on your research are the following;
Background - you were able to gather enough information to introduce the reader
to the research, the words used are well chosen in order to
depict the message of the research and the space between the paragraphs
are good, it can be better though if you merge some of the small paragraphs
into bold ones.

Problems and Objectives - clearly stated and with clear target

The needed improvement is on the following;
The method - I feel that at this part of the essay needs a little bit of work,
you need to make sure that there is enough credibility in your research,
remember, what you write, speaks for the kind of person you are, so if you're
writing this research, mind your sources, the way you write them and more
importantly the way you cite the works of the people who contributed on the paper.

I hope to see an enhance research paper soon. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "Nothing in the world is worth having unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty". Naval Academy [3]

Stewart, I'd like to share my thoughts and remarks on your essay.
First of all, I'd like the paragraphs to be kept to a minimum of 3,
this way it will be presented neatly and more professional.
Also, when writing with word restriction, be sure to streamline your ideas
and go straight to the point, this way you will be able to eliminate the
unnecessary words in the essay and you will have room for the ideas
that matter.

The first 2 paragraphs can be trimmed down into 1 paragraph as your introduction.
Please find the remarks below;

- My initial interest in the Navy came from my father's service.
- people he met. A,a nd how leading these great people,
- My long range goal is to serve a career as an officer in the Navy.( this sentence is not necessary as we have already established that The Navy is where you want to be )

- But ultimately I ultimately know myself,
- and I know that the Naval Academy's environment is right for me.
- At a normal university, emphasis is solely placed on intellectual development. I love thatwhile the Naval Academy
- diverse in background yet unified inwith a common mission,

There you have it Stewart, I hope my remarks and thoughts help.
I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Essays / Question about SOP instructions: "pursuing graduate study at this time" [2]

Katheryn, I definitely understand where you're coming from.
The confusion is actually caused by how you see the question, like how you interpret it
and the way it should be approached.

Let me try to help and explain it in a way the will enable you to come up with a good essay.

Now, the prompt is all about the timely manner in taking graduate study.
It's simply taking the question, "Why do you think it's the right time to pursue graduate studies?".
The goal of the prompt is to see whether you are fully prepared to take on the challenge and give
your full focus and attention to the field of your choice.
How to properly approach your essay?, start by writing why you choose this field of study, highlight
the reasons of you choosing to continue you studies and why do you think this is the right time
to continue your studies.

I hope this helps and I wish to read your essay soon. Best of luck and should you need further assistance
do let us know and we will be here for you.

Graduate / Power for all, sustainable energy is the way to go! Motivation letter for masters at TU Eindhoven [2]

Final paragraph

- I bring with me good technical expertise ,
- I would like to take with me,My take out will be a further sophisticated
- and in addition,to a network of strong relationships
- I am, at the same time backed by theArmed with knowledge gained from

I hope my remarks and corrections helps.
I also like the fact that you were able to incorporate your thoughts on
how your previous university will help you as well as your next home
institution will benefit from your contributions.
I wish you the best of luck and keep writing in order to continue enhancing your writing skills,
this will not only help you in coming up with a good essay but will also familiarize you
with different strategies on writing..

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Erasmus Mundus masters program on Digital Communication Leadership (DCLead) [3]

Ishaqur, I believe the final revision of your essay is done pretty well.
Bold paragraphs, smooth transition and the right choice of words are
followed and this are some of the elements of a good essay.

I also like the fact that you were optimistic in the essay.
You used the words that denotes your optimistic nature, this is very good.
The admission staff will not only see the essay as an entrance to the institution
but they will see it as a representation of the person you are and the person you will be.
Moreover, the presentation of the essay is done neatly and more professional,
you have to keep writing after this essay though, keep enhancing your writing skills.

I wish you the best of luck in this application and do let us know what comes out,
we'd love to hear from you.

Scholarship / "How Athletics and Activities Have Influenced My Life." Lindy Callahan Scholarship essay. [2]

Brittany, I read and understand your essay and I believe it's a good one.
You have written it in a manner that any reader will understand and will be able to follow through
the essay and the message that you want them to get out of the essay.

However, I suggest cutting down your paragraphs and bring them to a minimum of 3 bold ones.
Do this in order to make the essay clean and look more professional, the presentation of your essay
is also key in making it to the admission.

The words you use are also easy to understand, this made the essay better and resulted to a good written
one. Overall, it's a good essay, write more and try to play with words in order to create
and enhance the essence of your writing.

I hope my insights help.

Graduate / Be acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data [3]

- sleep by thea doorbell.
- I vividly remembered( even with the action being in the past, use a present tense as you are narrating it ) the first
- I served as a home tutor inon holiday to help make ends meet.

- Another thing thethat hardship brought to me is
- the reflection onof life.
- My father regretted that he didn't
- If he has put efforts on
- However, the impact of this experience gave
- to me never shades with time.

There you have it Gujie, I hope my remarks and corrections helped,
what I notice on your essay is the verb form as well as the tenses of
the words you use, this is somehow a common mistake but it's always
good to be able to spot this differences.
Do let us know when you need further assistance.

Graduate / Duke MMS-how will your background and previous experiences add value to the experience of your peers [3]

Shiyun, let me see what i can do.

- As thea team member
- of three sport teams in mythe university,
- I am certain that I will be able toin representing the strong sports culture of Duke.

- operates which I believe will be beneficial for thein group projects
- I encounter in the future.

- The sport tradition of Duke University
- as per myto make use of my time as an undergraduate student,

There you have it Shiyun, i hope this helps.
Do let us know if you need further assistance, mind your choice of words,
go straight to the point specially that you have a word count restriction,
this way you will be able to mainstream ideas and be able to tell your story
in direct relation to what the prompt is asking you to write.

Graduate / Duke MMS-how will your background and previous experiences add value to the experience of your peers [3]

Shiyun, let me try to assist you with your essay.

1st paragraph
- By cooperating withCooperation and learning from
- I wouldwill ( mind your verb tenses ) be able to find supportive peers in my future career.

2nd paragraph
- To be more specific,(being elaborate is being specific, so this phrase is not necessary ) I would like...

3rd paragraph
- My first internshipThe first one ( we have already establish that this part of the essay talks about your internship) at a security company taught - My second internshipone allowed me to

- learned accounting principles

Final paragraph
- I will actively participate
- in different extracurricular programs, as per my time as an undergraduate student, to demonstrate

There you have it Shiyun, I hope this help enhance your essay.

Graduate / Duke- 3-part short essay, each with 500 CHARACTERS limit (approximately 100 words) [3]

Shiyun, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

1. Why are you pursuing the MMS degree at this stage in your professional development?

- statements. Butand to realize my career goal as a consultant,
- I need to know more about how to transformacquire financial information
- into actionableand viable insights to make wise business decisions.
- MMS will helpequip me insolvesolving my puzzles and realize my career goal.

2. What are your immediate career goals after completing the MMS program? 【I really don't know what else I could write here...although I still have more than 200 characters left】

- I plannedenvision myself to be a consultant
- and work with a reputable consulting company and be able to exercise what I learned from MMS into life skills that will hopefully render valuable insights to the financial sector. .

- research and analyzingmassive massive amounts of data.

3. Life is full of uncertainties, and plans and circumstances can change. As a result, navigating a career requires you to be adaptable. Should the immediate goals that you provided above not materialize, what alternative directions have you considered?

- I will try to find a job whichthat will help
- me earnmake my own living
- and give me time to land on a more desirable job.
- It may try to be a temporary piano
- The worst possibility is that I will retake my current job as an oral English teacher. This is a well-paid job so I can at least earn money for a MBA degree.(this sentence is not necessary)

There you have it Shiyun, I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / Being independent and making exclusively own decisions. Family impact essay for UCF. [2]

Hi Abney,

I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- I broughthave this trait of being a leader
- toin life when I took on the challenge
- It has shown me positive sides to things and negative sides
- Such asIn my education

- For exampleinstance , my mom
- near future, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) we can make

There you have it Abney, I find your essay short but straight to the point, you were
able to write a little bit of everything, your personal life, your aspirations and your academic goals.
This are the information that needs to be in an essay and you were able to bring it to the plate.

I hope my insights and remarks helped. Should you need further assistance do let us know.

Undergraduate / The needed to be depended on - Common App Application [3]

Hi Billy, as I read and understand your essay, I must say it's raw or should I call
it a very rough draft, kindly find few points below, it might help;

- as much as you would want to be creative, it's still best to go straight to the point
- reflect on what is asked of the essay from the prompt given and work from there accordingly
- use words that are definite, avoid using "such stuff" or any word/s that may seem immature
or informal
- create a smooth flow in your paragraphs
- mind the sentences, the length as well as how you present the sentence into the paragraphs
and eventually into the whole essay
- limit your essay into a maximum of 3 paragraphs, the introduction, the body and the final paragraph of your essay

Lastly, being personal as this prompt is asking you to write about is good, however, leave some information
for a good conversation with the admission staff, don't give out all the details, instead, go direct to the
point, this way you will be able to get the right space and time to write a good essay.

I hope my insights help and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Letters / I am applying for a Medical Summer Program at GTU, and some Criticism would be really helpful! [3]

- Also,( avoid using "Also" as this depicts a minor or lesser importance in the sentence ) T he faculty and
- At Georgetown'sThe ( at this point, it's fine to replace the subject with "The") summer programs,

- In addition, I like that you getit's good to share perspectives
- which allows the exchangingexchange of different
- It also will help us learn

- At Georgetown, I will allow me to have a lot of time and
- and I know that the Georgetown Medical Institute will helpbridge the gap tome get me there.

There you have it Tom, I hope this enhancement is not too late for your essay and I hope it helped.
Do let us know should you need further assistance and let us know what happened, we'd love
to hear from you. Remember, focus on your goals and work hard to get there.

Undergraduate / "Computer Science in an art" - Cornell CAS Supplement [3]

Zabaan, at first glance, what I notice on your essay is how small the paragraphs are,
it actually looks a little bit crowded and this will not help to strengthen your essay.
In this case, I suggest that you revise your essay and keep the paragraphs bold.

More so, in cases where you have word count restrictions, make sure that you
prioritize the ideas that matter in order to answer what is asked of the prompt,
this will also make sure that you have enough space for the ideas that really matter
to your essay.

On a lighter note, I notice that you have a good hand in writing and you definitely
know how to write and what to write in your essay, all you have to take note and pay attention to are
minor details and this minor details matter greatly to your essay.

Do let us know should you need further assistance.

Undergraduate / Cornell A&S Supplement-Psychology and Creative Writing [3]

Cassandra, I know your essay is long submitted at this time but
I would like to give you pointers on writing an essay for future reference.

- research on the topic at hand
- minimize your thoughts
- go straight to the point
- keep your essay clear and concise
- present it in a way that you would on the final day of submission
- make sure that you proof read it yourself before letting anyone read it
- write as many drafts as you can
- make mistakes and learn from it

Last but not the least, ass a personal touch in all your writing pieces unless otherwise
stated on the prompt.

I hope to see more of your articles, remember, you can only be the best in
what you do if you put your heart into it, continue learning
and keep your toes on the ground, never be afraid to ask, best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / Harvey Mudd supp, how background influences problems you want to solve: working w/ disabled kids [3]

Benivor, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
I think what's making your essay quiet longer than expected is the fact that
you told a story and you got engrossed to the idea and this is the result.

Now, what I suggest is you revise the essay in a way that you streamline the idea and go straight to the point.
Hammer the center of the essay and what the prompt is asking you to write about, make sure that you
have a focus fro the beginning to the end of the essay.

One more thing, avoid unnecessary information in the essay, in doing so, make sure that you have covered
all the necessary information needed in the essay. Pay attention to the transition of your idea as well as
the presentation.

I also suggest that you keep your essay with just 2 paragraphs or max will be three, that should do it.
First paragraph for introduction, the body is your solution to the problem you wan to solve and the last one
is a personal insight and the ultimate resolution of the task at hand.

I hope to see your final essay very soon.

Undergraduate / University of Georgia Regular decisions application: Check out my college essays! :) [3]

Tiffany, I'd like to help in the last essay you have, please find remarks below;

ESSAY 3:

- Adulting 101 is a
- quick( quick - crash course is the same in the sense that they are done in a speedy manner ) crash course
- but they will learn how to do it mostthings efficiently.

There you have it Tiffany, not much modification needs to be done as your essay is somehow written well,
however, I don't see that this answer to the prompt will suffice the needed information on this essay.

I believe you need to be more specific and realistic as well because a crash course to learn all there is to know
in an adult life cannot be dealt with in a crash course.
Remember, the answers to the essays need to be realistic and, as much as you can, keep it as effective as possible
in order to showcase your understanding of the question as well as to the idea that is presented.

I hope my remarks and corrections helps and I wish to your revised essay soon.

Undergraduate / Meredith- Discuss your strengths [3]

Thereis123, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay by sharing corrections that I think will be helpful for the enhancement of the essay.

- For example, I find it beneficial to be organized because

- Another personal strength of mine is beingI'm also an open-minded individual .

- For example inIn 9th grade I took Honors
- But I studied harder, recievedreceived the tutoring I needed,
- andI worked with my teacher to do my best.

There you have it, I hope my remarks and suggestions helps in enhancing your essay and for future reference,
I suggest that you play with the words you use in demonstrating your ideas as this will add material to your essay.

Do let us know if you need further assistance.