Undergraduate / the Singapore Youth Flying Club - college admission essay [6]

I would change it like this:

The familiar strong smell of leather and sweat hit me as I climbed into the cockpit and strapped myself in for Pre-Start Checks. I went through Checks especially thoroughly today, for fear that it would be the last time I would adjust the altimeter, flip the switches, lock in the primer, arm the ELT. The cool morning air was fresh and the sun was out, gently illuminating the runway ahead.

I would take out only this: As I walked around the Piper Warrior II carrying out external checks, the surroundings were unnaturally quiet, without the usual chatter of technicians or roar of engines. I patted the bright yellow wings of the plane, a little more carefully than I usually did, as if it would offer me additional luck.

What do you think?

Also, you do not sound smug. You need to be confident in writing this, and the reader will not mistake your confidence for smugness. Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / FSU Essay - Did I include all and/or the right components correctly? [4]

A Title is a Tool for the Writer to Use
Yes, put it at the top. Remember that the title serves to give the reader the THOUGHT that you would like her to have as she begins the essay. I always use a title. Well, almost always...

:)

Undergraduate / Talking about Disney in my admission essay - Is that too childish? [4]

Your writing style is NOT childish, and you do not seem childish... you write very very well! Furthermore, Disney is an all-American company with enormous success. I think your outline is good... be sure to mention something that will fascinate the reader; you can find fascinating info about disney if you read some articles that are available through Google Scholar.

Could you possibly, somehow connect this subject to some quality about the school to which you are applying?

Good luck!!!!!!

kevin

Undergraduate / "the most inexpensive happiness" - commonapp essay [4]

Well, you helped me by demonstrating a great way to remind people to keep positive states of mind: your enlightened choice of a user name. I think "rejoice" is a great user-name, and it reminds me to keep a good state of mind.

Also, you can always thank us for our help by giving your own help to other members in the forum.

:)

Kevin

Graduate / Why do you want to study abroad? Is this SoP ok for M.Sc. Pet. Engrg? [9]

Oh, good choice! That is cool. I hope you have lots of success with it!

Undergraduate / Essay on personal experience to NUS [2]

What people say is true: college life is a landmark of a person's life. To me, being a college girl has been an unparalleled experience since its first days.

It was a special day when I ran into a recruitment announcement for an event called Greeting Day. Its purpose was to welcome new students; therefore all freshmen were encouraged to sign up for various positions in the organizing team. Though I had scarcely played a leading role before, I thought I should give myself a chance. Therefore, I urged myself not to pass up such a once in a lifetime occasion.

The video plot which I first proposed received both extolment and criticism. It should convey the message of the new class of students: their commitment to bring a fresh and active addition to the campus. Thus, I had to balance different ideas while adding spicy humor to serious content. In two weeks, I searched the college campus for an appropriate settings, and mobilized a volunteer group of actors.

...

Confused as I was , I arranged intimate interviews with the candidates, testing their relevance for the roles. I chose some to play the protagonists and others the extras.

It was not so much the warm applause or thumb-ups that the audience gave me as it was the invaluable chance to raise my voice that has made me mature. It transformed me into a more social and confident college girl.

Undergraduate / U of Ill. extra-curricular activities [5]

I joined the Duke of Edinburgh program in grade nine, and it turned out to be the most enriching experience of my life. As a member, I was involved in several activities, but it was the time I spent interacting with people I consider most valuable.

In grade ten , my school organized a trip to Malaysia. This was part of the residential section of the award. At first, I was excited about traveling abroad and being independent even if it was only for four days. In Malaysia, our first destination was the Angels Children Home. It comprised of a two-story building which sheltered about twenty children. After we were briefly acquainted with the children, they were asked to choose partners to spend the rest of the day with. Ezra, the brown-eyed girl with incredibly long lashes chose to be my partner. Ezra and I spent the day talking, painting, dancing and playing games. Although I was teaching her, I felt I learned so much more. Through her story, Ezra reminded me of the importance of living in the moment and not always in some ill-defined future. It's useless to waste time fretting over the inevitable, a lesson I took to heart, as a high school student applying to college, uncertain of where - and who - I'll be next year.

(no corrections for the last paragraph)

Wow, this is great!!! I think you need some more info about just how you learned about "staying present" (i.e. in the present moment) from Ezra.

Writing Feedback / "I love my friends" essay, help edit [3]

Yes, your writing is technically sound, so that is great. You have good spelling and grammar.

Now, can you take all this reflection and derive from it an important truth about life? If so, explain that truth as the intro paragraph and let this story support it.

Then, repeat the explanation of the inherent truth in order to make the conclusion paragraph.

Undergraduate / 'economics and law, calculus and chemistry, and philosophy and film' -Why Duke? Short [4]

Hi, after reading it I was going to suggest the same thing as Sean: list some specifics instead of just generalities. It is good to say something general and then get specific about it.

Good luck with political science! It is a good major.

Undergraduate / Starting on GWU Essay - what most influenced you to apply [5]

As I signed my name under the list of every college that would be visiting Van Nuys High School, my attitude was to learn about every college and apply to every college so that I had many options from which to choose in my path to college. The colleges included prestigious schools such as UC Berkeley, Stanford University, Pomona College, and Columbia. However, at that time when I had no knowledge of most universities except the ones my dad raved about, such as Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, and Yale, I did not expect to be most influenced by the university in which that I had the least interest. As I signed my name under the list of students who wished to attend the meeting with the representative from George Washington University, I jokingly told my friend, "Why don't we also sign up for the George W. Bush University?" Little did I know how drastically that 45 minute discussion about GWU would affect my college choices.

...

Wow, great job! And I think you wrote this all in just a few hours... I think it will change if you look at it a few more times. You might want to take out the George Bush joke in case the reader is one of the 5 or 6 people left in the country who still approve of him.

Undergraduate / English as a barrier, a freshmen; "Never say you failed without trying" [5]

"Never say you failed without trying," I mumbled to myself in front of the mirror. I was about to host a Karaoke contest in English at the high school I attended in Hong Kong. It was a challenge for me to speak in front of the whole school, using my second language - English. I felt excited but nervous at the same time, because I did not consider myself capable of mastering this position.

My English teacher noticed my concern, and said, "Practice makes perfect. Have faith to overcome anything in your life." Her encouragement urged me to do my best. I practiced the dialogues every day after school with my teacher, and at home. I scratched out and added lines, rephrased, and added tone to my speech, making it more than just reading off a paper...

I helped parents and students translate when I worked in the counseling and parent support offices in school, I became more confident in communicating through English. This experience in overcoming English triggered me to become a translator to help people (Chinese?) with difficulties in speaking English.

Wow, you write better in English than many, many native speakers of English. You are awesome. Do you know that, if you perfect your language skills, you can make a lot of money as a freelance translator?

Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

Hi, you write brilliantly! It is a great story, and I am jealous of your learning experiences. Out of 10, I would give it a 10, but I don't know if the admissions people think the same way I do.

Undergraduate / "Brandon"-Common Application Essay [8]

Awesome. Great story, and also, you seem like a great person. I would get rid of the phrase, "You see," but that it just my opinion. I think it weakens the essay.

Undergraduate / 'Better cooking' - Lafayette Supplement [4]

If you can make it so that this experience occurred when you were very young, you could tell the story in fewer words so as to leave room for a second paragraph. In the second paragraph, tell about some culinary pursuit that was intellectually challenging. Or, tell about some other intellectual pursuit that arose rom this early experience of cooking...

But as the other said, this is not a good example of an intellectual interest or accomplishment... but don't be discouraged!! It has potential; what other creative things have you done?

Scholarship / 'economics and business complete' - Jp Morgan scholarship essay [3]

Hi! I know it's hard to get an essay to "flow." The trick is to link one idea to another. For example, I'll use the concept of turbulence below.

I happen to live in turbulent times. The United States economy is struggling under recession repression. The unemployment rate is up. The total output of goods and services is down. The major financial institutes are collapsing. This is also when high school students must make an important decision, to decide what there major will be . In the interest of negotiating the turbulence of the 21st century, I intend to major in business economics.

That way, the first and last sentences are linked together. It's cool to do the same thing with paragraphs, too. Link'em together with common concepts.

Essays / points on how to write an essay about myself; give me a sample [12]

Great advice here! Also, for more guidance:

Start by writing the most important truth you have to offer. What have you learned in life that you can tell the reader as the very first sentence?

If you have a certain truth you learned, tell it in the opening line. It will be too profound to explain with that one sentence, though, so add another sentence to ELABORATE on that truth. Then, use the next sentence to tell about a life experience that led you to this conclusion, this truth. After that, add a fourth sentence to the opening paragraph, a sentence that reflects on the IMPORTANCE of this truth.

Then, spend a few more paragraphs letting your wisdom spill out onto the page.

Writing Feedback / Choose one of the following transportation vehicles - essay, change lives [6]

Hi Asselya and Camellia, what is this question about questions? There is nothing wrong with posing questions in academic writing. Sometimes, in fact, a whole essay or research paper can be based on a thesis question.

Maybe I don't fully understand what you are asking... Are you asking whether or not it is okay to ask a question in your essay? It is great to POSE A QUESTION and then answer it in the essay.

Undergraduate / 'aspirations of being a lawyer' - This is a free write admission essay for Bethune [7]

Sofia, that is some good advice!

Writing Feedback / essay about world crisis [3]

The economic crisis, which was only rumors few months ago, is making hard to get credit and work for all. In crisis times it is common to think only of ourselves and how to assure our secure existence, forgetting to help the others and to think globally. However, this attitude only serves to complicate the situation.

The process of globalization has facilitated the development of countries that were once quite poor, and as a consequence the fraction of world production is not negligible anymore. It's clear to notice that the only viable solutions to the crisis problem are those that count on all countries in the globe, because they are more and more representative nowadays.

...

Selfish thoughts in crisis times are not the solution to escape from danger and mitigate disadvantage . The solution for a global problem will only work if all the nations take advantage on it, since the solution relies on the cooperation of all. The next step to keep the planet healthy is to learn how to play better as a team .

This is a great, meaningful essay! If you add some statistics or quotations, it will become more powerful.

Graduate / Why do you want to study abroad? Is this SoP ok for M.Sc. Pet. Engrg? [9]

You can improve the first sentence. I did not find errors, but I think the first sentence has got to go. Consider replacing it with a powerful sentence about your high-minded aspirations for applying your expertise (which you will acquire through this program). Perhaps your first sentence can capture your true motivation and interest -- and the rest of the essay can explain it.

Undergraduate / 'forgiveness and understanding' - Why essay to Trinity College [2]

By reading THE TRINITY COLLEGE STUDENT INTEGRITY CONTRACT, I learned that Trinity College puts a extreme emphasis on honesty, more than any other schools. First I agree that honesty is the most basic character a person must have; the world cannot run without honesty...

You need an intro sentence for this paragraph that starts with: Mighty professor Dumbledore... because it seems that you abruptly start writing about Harry Potter.

I also think you can leave out some of the details about Prison Break... stick to the CONCEPTS that are being demonstrated.

In the beginning of the essay, prepare the reader for what s/he is about to read by answering the prompt question directly.

Good luck!!!!

Kevin

Essays / A letter to my first-year roommate. I have no idea what to talk about. [19]

Keep in mind that the person you are really writing to is the admissions person. So, fulfill the requirement to address a roommate, and put this in the form of a letter, but write about activities that you will want to involve yourself in at the school and also, importantly, about making time for studying.

Spend time researching the school!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Starting on GWU Essay - what most influenced you to apply [5]

Hi! It is good that you want to make it interesting. When I write, I stare at the screen and wait, sometimes for a long time, until a sentence comes from somewhere in the pit of my stomach -- and feels exactly right.

Now, this is the most important thing in your life right now. Maybe college is not THE most important thing, but when you sit down to write about why George Washington U. is the BEST choice for your future, in that moment it is the most important thing.

You can write this essay about what is more important to you than anything, and then CONNECT is to GWU. If you do that, it can't NOT be interesting.

Try to come up with a paragraph to start. I can't wait to see how it turns out...

Undergraduate / Columbia essay - convey a message on who you are. [4]

It was the last reflection session of the three day, two night camp before we parted the next day.

Maybe you should use a colon instead of a dash:

As I look forward to college, my purpose in life remains clear: to contribute positively to society.

No, this is a meaningful essay... I think it will go over well. I think you could take inspiration from one of your favorite paragraphs and tack on another sentence to the end of one -- a sentence that reflects on how the experience shapes "who you are."

Undergraduate / 'twelve years of Catholic schooling' who or what influenced your decision to apply-BU [7]

I love Boston, too! You made me want to get on a train and go there...

I wonder if "green monstah" is a proper noun that should be capitalized...

Perhaps this part is unnecessary:
Although I haven't expressed this to many people,

Maybe just start that part with: I enjoy great atmosphere. Something about...

Good luck at BU!!! And when you go to get your books from the campus store, be prepared to spend a lot of time because they are often quite disorganized at that place!!!

Undergraduate / 'Cultural Passport' - Other MaCaulay Honors College Essay [3]

I would just have you avoid using contractions, like I mentioned in your other post.

You write very well!!! I found no errors.

Undergraduate / Name a Upenn professor you would like to conduct research with and why? [4]

Behrman's achievements blew me away by the sheer weight of numbers (more than 230 articles).

No, no errors! :)

I would not begin a sentence with the words "no doubt." I might change it to, "There can be no doubt that..."

Undergraduate / my grandmother's life truly influenced mine [7]

This sentence is brilliant:

The result of this combination was devastating to my grandmother's kitchen but not to my grandmother.

Nice job! I found no errors...

Writing Feedback / FAMILY: "Sunshine essay" - Sunshine danced colorfully on the doorsteps [5]

Nope! It drew me into the scene. A cliche is something that dulls the readers interest because of not being original... so, your work is not cliche! :)

Undergraduate / 'aspirations of being a lawyer' - This is a free write admission essay for Bethune [7]

It's better to avoid using contractions, so write out "it is" instead of "it's."

It is unbelievable how, each year since I began high school, what appeared to be perfectly laid plans for my future have deteriorated beyond my control.

Research Papers / How to split up topics in a research paper? [3]

I prefer using subheadings to divide papers into sections, but like Sean said, some professors prefer that you not divide it up.

I feel strongly that you should be able to be the one to decide things like that about your own writing.

Teachers want to get you to be good at using "transition sentences," so they sometimes see subheadings as a way to get out of having to transition.

Personally, I prefer your approach, because subheadings lend clarity to your communication.

Book Reports / This is a story about someone I knew [15]

Hi, this really is quite an accomplishment! I noticed early on that you write well, and that I might not be able to find many errors, but I'm happy to be ale to help with one small issue:

'Yes. I've seen you, you're familiar somehow. But, you've not come here to this restaurant before, have you?', she asked.
In dialog like this, it is not necessary to have a comma after the question mark. Same thing with an exclamation mark.

And here is another place that can be improved:

It should be quite obvious that this entire experiencing process takes place over some extent of time. One could measure that either against a clock (say, in days, weeks and months) or one could look at events and their sequences.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'naval budget' - MaCaulay Honors College Essay [9]

Wow, I could not even find any mistakes to correct. And as Sean wrote, your question certainly is clear.

As a high school student, you seem to be writing with proficiency that is quite advanced.

Undergraduate / Leaving everything I cherished in Thailand / "Kindness holds up the world" [5]

Just a few corrections! :)

"Met Ta Tum Khum Jun Lok" or "Kindness holds up the world" is an old Thai phrase that was passed from my grandmother generation to my generation. I have lived my life exposed to an enormous number of selfish people and action. But I have never thought that my family members would be grouped with those people. Such disappointment has set my mind focused on only giving and being kind towards others in order to avoid being like these selfish people I have known.

Whenever possible, I offer help not to just family members and friends, but also strangers.

Writing Feedback / FAMILY: "Sunshine essay" - Sunshine danced colorfully on the doorsteps [5]

An adjective to describe the doorsteps woulf be good here, for imagery:

Sunshine danced colorfully on the (something) doorsteps.

Also:

..our holiday seven years ago, (write the word "seven" instead o the number.

It looks like you include spaces where they are not necessary:

"Hey , Anh, what are you doing over there? Come here and lend me a hand!" spoke up...

Perhaps you could go back and add an introductory sentence, at the very beginning, to prepare the reader for what is to come. Your writing style is excellent.

Poetry / 'green leaves fall down on the street' - My Poem on a rainy day! [2]

This is very surreal, a nice experience comes from reading it. Try the new organization of the last lines, and see if you like it (below). Keep writing, you seem to know how to access that place where good writing comes from.

green leaves fall down on the street
a voice drops : slight and gentle
the wind stirred up a scintilla of dust scent
gray clouds and hurried bird filled the sky
people, with frowns in their face, wrinkled
rushed through the crowded street
then came the rain
tears of sky patter down the plain road
Hanoi rain, intense and lonesome
teardrops sang a gloomy melody
no one to welcome, no one to hear but little ones
touched and smelled the eschewed rain
streets are the only homes
little boys and girls,
soaking wet
dance the blissful melodies in the rain

Essays / We tend to spend our time doing the things we know we do well [7]

Oh, choose an experience that is close to your heart, something that you will be able to write about with inspiration! In fact, choose any activity that you would like to write about, and explain it as something that you were not good at.. even if, perhaps, you have become good at it by now...

:)

Undergraduate / The Story of Janay - i need help continuing this essay:-( [4]

There comes a point in a child's life where he or she must break away from the tight grips of their parents.

Stripped of the chance to develop my social life, I realized that my life, decisions, and my future had already been determined for me based on my religious inheritance.

Ah, great! I like it. You need one more sentence at the end, something very meaningful.

Undergraduate / 'Successful future = successful school?' - Why did you choose to apply to UCF? [3]

Excellent, you write very well. I'm impressed with the varied length and structure of your sentences. Now, to improve it, use paragraphs to divide up these sections! :) Like below:

"A successful future is always motivated by a successful school!" There are many fantastic schools that would allow me to pursue my interest in psychology and event management, but upon my research, none of them amount to U.C.F. I am convinced that UCF is the school that will significantly educate me and allow me to become ethically and socially responsible.

Being the only girl of an all-boy family, I am searching for change. I'm looking for a school that I can adjust to and allows me to feel at home even when I am away. I believe UCF is this school. I desire to be apart of a nurturing environment that will prepare me for my transition into the real world. Like others, I take my education very seriously. I believe that education is paramount and while building my knowledge about the school, I have found that we both share the same passion.

The quality that I admire most about the school is that UCF is diverse and it supports an inclusive environment. Regardless of your appearance, beliefs, or opinions, there is always an open door of opportunity. UCF offers various amounts of majors as well as minors for individuals such as myself to choose from. No one will go unnoticed. There is something for everyone. It would be a great privilege to be apart of UCF, and if I were accepted to be apart of the U.C.F family, I would not only foresee it as a great honor and privilege, but I would consider it a tremendous blessing.

Book Reports / When King Lear hits bottom? [12]

Well, I think you should use the word "interpretation" in your response, so that they know you are following their instructions. Also, You could start with:

In order to interpret King Lear's gradual process of "bottoming out," it is necessary to look into the context of his life, and the circumstances around his stress and conflicts.

In order to get high grades, repeat the terminology that they use in the instructions: "bottoming out" and "interpret"

:)

Kevin