Research Papers / "Occassional depression versus major depression within adolescents" research paper [4]

Alyssa, as this is a rough draft, I would like you to make sure that your paragraph presentation
is clean and does not look crowded.
I suggest that you merge a few small paragraphs and make them whole bold ones.
Try to maximize your paragraphs and keep them properly and uniformly formatted so
that the paragraphs will look seamlessly readable and formal.

The research paper is definitely very raw, you need a lot more facts and data gathering to keep your paper
truthful and more of a research paper than an essay.
Also, keep an eye on the words you use and how you structure them in your sentence, as this will also
help in creating a successful paper.

Do post your final paper here so we can give you further assessment.
I hope my insights help!

Graduate / To finish my career goal, I choose Marshall Business School as a start in the profession - USC essay [7]

Zhang,as most of the remarks and insights are focused on the last part of your essay,
I'd like to share my thoughts on the first paragraph of your essay.

First paragraph
- I have a habit since I was young. Ihad since formed a habit of
- recording every sum of money
- I have spent and I have earned,
- andthen classify them to different categories since I was young( this phrase is not necessary as we have established the time of the event already ) .

- I know more about business knowledge and realize the importance
- of accounting to one'sour daily life.
- TheF urther internships provide
- me more experiences regardingexposure on the functions of accounting in social life.
- As an assistant in the finance accounting department in an insurance company,
- I assisted senior managers and cooperatedworked hand in hand with finance team
- Moreover, in this summer, another internship as an account manager assistant intern in China Development Bank
- this switched my perspective of accounting as an insider to external person.
- This internshipexperience deeply influenced me deeply , and
- Imade me realize the im portantce of accounting to external staffs .

There you have it Zhang, I'd like to add that I may not be that good with the financial terminologies but with how you wrote your essay,

it made me realize that the finance world is not so difficult after all.

I hope my insights helped.

Research Papers / Dancing for a Better Childhood: Dance benefits in children [3]

Veronica, first of all, I'm not sure if this is how you would like to present your research but I would suggest that you

format it properly. Paragraph wise, the research paper looks a little bit crowded and messy.

The good thing though, is that you were able to incorporate your source to the body of the paper.The structure still
puzzles me however, I believe you will be able to re-structure your paper properly by following simple steps below.
- what do we do to make our childhood more memorable; the answer is DANCE (here you can start writing about the
positive attributes of dancing
- what are the benefits of dancing ( here you can insert the facts you gathered on the benefits of dancing)
- what is the difference of dancing or the similarities of dancing to other form of exercise that would benefit children
and how does this transpire in the formation of their childhood.

Lastly, before submitting any form of paper or article, proof read it yourself, this way you know if there are still any enhancement
for your essay before you submit it, share it here on EF so another pair of eyes will be able to see your work.
That's it for me Veronica, I hope my insights help.

Graduate / Seek help for my answers of Master of Finance Questionnaire at SFU in Canada [2]

Chenyi, after going through your answers on each of the question given, I believe you were able
to answer them properly. You were able to discuss each answer, however, I need to remind you that
when answering questions or examinations, remember to be direct to the point unless otherwise
stated on the directions on how to approach the question.

Now, with regard to the word count, don't worry about it and take it away from your focus,
as long as you will be able to reflect on the question and be able to formulate the answer
that is directed to the question, the words will be flowing and you will not have to worry about the word count.

Remember, less is more, be precise and keep your answers short.

Good luck and do let us know should you need more assistance.

Undergraduate / Ever since I began high school as a short, geeky freshman, I could not wait for college WHY SYRACUSE [5]

NB, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Ever since I began high school as a short,I started in the academe as a geeky freshman,
- and from then on I could not wait for college.
- I spent endless hours researching colleges until one day, I stumbled uponI found Syracuse,
- and I found it was the perfect school forthe right institution for a person like me.
- so I proceeded to research all about Syracuse's history major.
- I love history and learning about the past, but I am also very interested inas well as learning about the present,
- as I have a love forsuch as politics.
- Syracuse's history program is the perfect fit for me
- in that it gives me the perfectand the institution provides education for my next step
- in life after college: law school my ultimate goal in the academe and hopefully my professional career.

NB, the above are my corrections and remarks, I hope it helped.

Research Papers / Sleep Deprived Us- An Essay Regarding Sleep Deprivation [3]

Megan, after reading your paper, I agree with your own criticism which left me wondering,
if you knew what was wrong in your essay, why didn't you take action?

Anyhow, adding examples will indeed boost your facts and the strength of your paper,
but don't just add examples, make sure that they are base on facts, this is where your research come to place.
The length of the research paper, although suggested ones say it should be long but it doesn't really matter,
what matters is the content of your essay and the facts you present.

Structure wise, you tend to jump from one idea to the other, I believe you can re- direct your essay by
highlighting the logical functions or progress of your research, like following the cause - effect way.
Better yet, answer the questions, how does sleep help us function in our daily lives, how does sleep
affect our mental state, questions like this, citing cause and effect will help your essay have that
logical and smooth transition.

I hope my remarks helped and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Graduate / Delft Technological University Urbanism Program Admission - Statement of Purpose legibility [2]

Hi Reza, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay with a focus on the last paragraph.

Final paragraph
- Looking back to what I have done tothe challenges in pursuit of my passion,
- will beis a suitable addition
- to take me one step closer to pursuit my biggest dream:
- In order to achieve that, I believe that I stillTo reach these goals,
- need to learncontinuous and relentlesslylearning on so many things
- from people who are expert in it , who are passionate in it,
- and of course from people who has the same dream as meI do .

There you have it Reza, I hope my remarks and corrections helped.

Should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Undergraduate / Describe the influence your hero has had on your life. [3]

Roshan, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- he could not play anymore but he proved that anything can be achieved
- if you intent to do it and
- the willingness to learn is there.

- Messi is mythe model for getting the point I want in myI look up to, to be what I want to be in life.
-I take a similar approach in my life to move ahead.
- His success inspires me to getfulfill my dreams fulfilled
- It gives me pleasure watching him playing in the pitch- he often
- Like him, I try my best to getderive success on every moves .
- I looksee myself as determined,
- hardworking and ready to take any kinds of commitments orthe challenges ahead .
- I have realized that success needsis coupled with sweat and sacrifices
- and am lookingI look forward to the

There you have it Roshan, as you can see there's a lot of corrections made and most of them is due to missing linking verbs, grammar and sentence construction.

However, there's always room to improve in this aspect, so keep practicing and write more often.

Undergraduate / A problem you solved or a problem you would like to solve [3]

Abid, your essay is written quiet well, it definitely answered what is asked in the prompt.

Now, I'd like you to focus on the presentation of your essay, I believe you can merge the 4th and 5th
paragraph so that the essay will not look as if you are purposely trying to make it look longer. The length of
your essay is good so no need to make is look longer.

The essay also delivered a good insight about this pressing issue and there's only so much that we
can do and a little change from everyones effort will get somewhere somehow.

I hope that I was able to gibe a valuable insight to your essay.
I wish you the best of luck and let us know if you need further assistance.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Topic C, "Growing up as the oldest of three brothers" [2]

Juan, as I read your essay, I believe it's well written, straight to the point and answers the prompt properly.

I also liked the fact that you have one full paragraph and not the usual segmented or small ones, however
full, your paragraph didn't have that crowded feeling or like congested essay. The details of your essay is
properly portrayed in the information that you have and it is not difficult at all to comprehend.

Just for future reference, try to incorporate a good mix of everyday conversational English words
with some bold ones to balance the essay.

Overall, I say good job on this writing endeavor, I wish you the best of luck in this application and do
let us know what happens, we'd love to hear from you.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - Moving from Afghanistan to the States, dealing with poverty, culture differences, more [3]

Hi Charlie, I would like to help out with the first and second paragraph enhancement of your essay.

First paragraph
- Moving back to the United States from

2nd paragraph
- However, in the United States, my father was unemployed for 18 months.
- and just losing my Afghanistan nature .

There you have it Charlie, as you can see, the remarks are minor as your essay has the potential of a good one, however,
your words needs to be changed into more formal one, it's not bad to be creative at all but it will help if you add

good word choice that would lead your next sentences to a valuable essay that answers the prompt.

Now, in your revision, I hope you follow though with the corrections we made here on EF and should you need further assistance we will be here for you.

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? International student writing about political liberal [5]

Cindy, I believe before you came up with your essay and application to Swarthmore,
you did your research and a little digging, well, I did too and I believe there are a few students
here on EF that are also rooting for the same Institution.

Now, what I always advise the students is to do a healthy competition and compare each others work,
this way you will have ideas on what to and what not to write in your essay.

Overall review of your essay, a little bit weak, I believe we can strengthen it by changing the words into
stronger ones, words with conviction, words that will justify your agenda for the institution. Not only this, you can also
work on the structure of the sentences, make sure that you have a smooth transition of ideas from beginning
to the end of the essay.

I hope my insights help when you do the revision.

Undergraduate / Share your interest - Common App Essay - My love of foreign languages [3]

Polina, after reading your essay, I would like to comment first on the way it is written.
I suggest that you merge a few paragraphs and keep it into about four main paragraphs,
this way it will look more polished and formal.

Next, you have a suggestive remark from one of the EF contributors, I hope you will follow through,
this will definitely strengthen your essay and will make it more interesting.

Lastly, double check on the flow or the structure of the ideas in your essay, create a smooth logical order
and revise your essay accordingly.

For further writing reference, mind the words that you use in your essay, make sure that they
properly curate the idea that you have in mind and transcend in your essay.

I hope my insights helped and let us know when you need further assistance.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Petroleum Engineering: Fall'16: US universities [6]

Ankit, I made my final and hopefully last proof read of your essay and I believe
you were able to streamline the idea of your essay, trim it down to the desired length
and make sure that the important information are still incorporated in your essay.

Now, for future writing reference, in order to avoid exerting more time in revision and
creating a strong essay, before writing, embrace the prompt, like what actors do,
they meditate, they give there roles a few relevant research and they work it out from there.
In our case, writing needs a little digging, googling and a few drafts, critique your work
by yourself, this way you play as the third party who will check your paper.

There you have it, a few insights and I hope it helped.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Space Exploration is too Expensive [3]

Surya, I would like to share my insights on your essay.

- Even space research, whichthat needs a huge
- amount of money compared to other researches.

- Firstly , the contribution of space exploration
- is still insignificant forto human kind
-For example, on emerging countries''(there is no need for an apostrophe on the word "countries" )

- SecondlyNext , the earth itself is not fully explored yet.
- From this it becomes quiet evidenceevident that the money should be allocated more to explore the earth.

- In summaryconclusion ( you are not making a summary of let's say a story or your thoughts, we are talking about final input from your ideas and facts gathered ) ,

There you have it Surya, I hope my remarks helped!

Undergraduate / University of Virginia Supplement Essay on Quirks: motionless moment [3]

Blackstar, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Friends who kne w me well
- static to get plannedfocused .
- I arrange things in time order and matter of importance
- so that afteras soon as I get up,
- see me like a "standing like dead".
- The two-minute planning before everything starts, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) keeps

- I also use this moment to calm myself down.
- After realizing that my frequently restless emotional states
- I get to calm down and no more fidgetnot trembling anymore .
- The two-minute emotional adjustment stops my rash temper from affecting my daily life.

There you have it Blackstar, I hope my remarks helped.

Scholarship / My magnificent success in auto mechanics has inspired me to move to the next level [4]

Chris this revision is absolutely better.
You see, you can actually make a very good essay, I'm just proud
that I'm part of this well written essay that you have.

Now, take a look at your last sentence;

This star lady and true icon of motherhood have been a figure which hathat provided me inspiration to me and she has also motivated me to carry on with the struggle tochallenges and do better and to excel in whatever am doingall my endeavor.

There you have it Chris, the last paragraph just need some reinforcement and you should be good to go.

Scholarship / My magnificent success in auto mechanics has inspired me to move to the next level [4]

Chris, I'm not so sure if you have reached the word count on this essay because if you don't,
I don't feel very confident with the content as well as the length of the essay.

However, I believe you can do more and write a better essay than this.
Let me help you out with your essay.

- Growing up, I always have my mother by my side, she is the sole provider of the family and my source of strength and inspiration.

- When I wasAs a kid,
- I and my friends and I used to sit

- Also, my mum has been figure that has inspired me as she has been the sole provider of my family since my dad lost his job years back. ( this phrase is not necessary as we have established this already in the beginning of the essay )

I hope my remarks helped!

Undergraduate / Conflict on my experience between why Rice and why major [3]

Hi Harry, I would like to share my insights on your essay.

1st paragraph
- Born a rapid questionerwith curious nature with tons of "strange thoughts",
- I was not always the teachers' guest ( what do you exactly mean by " teacher's guest? or do you mean "teacher's pet"?)

- robots with thesethe interns.experiences...

2nd paragraph
- I was thrilledintrigued to learn about Rice
- I find Rice OEDK the perfect place to not only play hands-on,
- but also to innovate through the splendid programs,
- I just can't stop loving the feelingMy drive to figure out things by myself through experiments and trials, will never waiver and try towill make a difference out of the sparks of creativity,

- to think innovativelystrategies thatas Rice encourages.

There you have it Harry I hope my inputs helped.

Undergraduate / Falling head over heel for science. Why have I chosen chemical engineering as a career option? [2]

Aliam as this is a draft, I understand that you didn't capitalize the letters of the words
that needs to be in capital, however, I believe it will be a good practice if you already
write like it is your final essay that will be submitted to the panel.

More so, you have to make sure that the presentation of your paragraphs is up to the standards,
proper indentation, proper structure and well organized sentences, for you to do this,
revise your essay and make the sentences into full paragraphs, this way it will look polished and
formal.

Now, the content of your essay is also quiet weak, I say you lean your essay towards your academic strength
and not about how unsure you are of what you have accomplished or want to accomplish in life.

I hope my insights helped.

Graduate / 'reaching new heights in my career' - SOP For Masters in Engineering from Victoria University [4]

Dilawar, I'd like to help you out in your essay.
Here's what I found after proof reading.

Paragraph and overall essay presentation is quiet messy, merge a few of your small paragraphs and turn
it into full paragraphs

The flow of the ideas are all over the place, you still have to fine tune it.

I must say, your essay has the making of a good essay and all you have to do is to structure it properly and
know when and where to insert your ideas.

I hope my review helped and should you be ready for your next and hopefully final draft,
post it back here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / Pursuit for a ribbon. Common-App essay revision/quality? [3]

Andrew, what I like about your essay is the fact that you made you presented
full paragraphs instead of the usual segmented or small paragraphs. This way of
formatting your paragraphs just goes to show that you are ready to go far from the
informal form of writing.

Also, the transition of your ideas are clearly written in the essay, there is a good flow,
the sentence construction has well rounded ideas that support each of the sentences
and form them into a whole essay that answers the prompt properly.

Your grammar can still be enhance however they are rather effective that just a creative way
of putting your ideas into sentences and this is great.

I hope to see more of your writing pieces here on EF.

Undergraduate / a 'renaissance woman' - QUALITIES ABOUT MYSELF [2]

Sasha, after reading your essay, I must say that it's not bad at all for a newbie in writing essays.

In your essay, I didn't expect you to be using big words or words that are not use in everyday conversation
which is totally fine, however it would be great if you can amp up your words and make it a little bit more
formal than it is now, it just needs a little change in your word choice.

Now I'm also quiet puzzled with the last two paragraphs that you have, I believe switching them will be the best trick
to enhance this part of the essay and create that needed flow of the essay.

Lastly, the final sentence can be modified like below;

- I plan to live with intention, to continue to learning , to do what I love,
- and in the process inspire my peers around meothers to do the same.

There you have it Sasha, I hope my remarks on your essay helps.

Graduate / Some light on my career - SOP for masters in management information science: Fall 2016 [3]

Mohammed, I would like to share my insights for the last part of your essay, your conclusion.

Conclusion

- In conclusion, I feelbelieve that pursuing
- is the best extension to my career as it isthe perfect fit to further my academic portfolio and is related to my new found interest.

- I found yY our esteemed university,
- in this regard would give me a tremendous boost in my pursuit of thesemy goals.

Mohammed, I made a few corrections that can hopefully strengthen your essay.

I hope it helps and make your conclusion justify what you have been working from the beginning of the essay.
For future reference, make sure that keep that mainline and flow of your essay and the idea to glide all the way to
the final sentence of your essay.

Essays / Hardships among women in Afghanistan and other places. Help with conclusion. [3]

Jonathan, I'd like to share my insights on your essay conclusion.

Conclusion
- and forced marriages are all issues related
- cleverly portrayed in " A Thousand Splendid Suns through the lives of Laila and Mariam" .
- It takes thea combined effort of the free and oppressed party to hopefully one day achieve true gender equality.

Jonathan, I would also like to help you practice in your sentences because practice definitely helps.
- Does the bolded sentanncesentence have proper structure?
Writing the sentence in bold format does not really change what you are trying to convey, you just have to strengthen your sentences, this is what makes more sense.

- Does the last few sente nces sound like an ending to an essay?
Yes, the last few sentences does have an impact of an ending or closing remark.

I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / Reasons on applying and attending Swarthmore - both entail the exciting concept of social science. [4]

- There are two reasons why I plan on applying and attending Swarthmore.
- Both reasons entail thean exciting concept of social science.

- For one , I love history.
- Did you understandknow that billions
- More beautifully is the difference among peoples.( I don't understand this statement at all )

- I honestly see myself, for example, at the Clothier hall,
- the intercultural center, conversing with students overabout there
- culture and historieshistory .
- They have stories, anecdotes that fit into the big picture.
- I had a teacher tellwho told me once that,
- This is why I want to experience Swarthmore-

- TwoNext reason is having drama is imprintedembedded in my soul,
- my partner- strip( what is a "partner - strip"?) their bodies of every conceivable detail
- and experimentexperience humanity with them in every scene.

- As opposed to bronxites ( I'm not sure if this is how you should formally regard the people from the Bronx)
- YetHowever , just like a political debate
- and historical discourse, drama is a dance with the thoughts of anyoneideas of life .
- I want to go tobelieve Swarthmore will enable me to learn more about humanity

There you have it Franky, I hope my remarks and corrections helped.
There is still a lot of work to be done and it will give you a lot of confidence in your essay if you will be able to

practice and come up with an insightful one.

Undergraduate / Overcoming personal difficulties; event that transformed me to adulthood [4]

Ferdi, I'd like to help on the first three paragraphs of your essay.
When I'm done, I hope you see the difference it makes to your essay.

1st paragraph
- adulthood really came at an early stage of my life.
- After losing both of my parents at a tender age of nine,
- and especially coming from an impoverished background,
- I had to quickly reevaluate my thoughts and actions in order to survive.
- However, it was my experience on the streets of Accra that changed
- me and ultimately made me ssss( be careful of typo errors ) more mature in my own eyes .

2nd paragraph
- a threat of sodomy that alarmingly
- lurks at every night fall.

3rd paragraph
- But ( I suggest that you refrain from starting your essay with the word "bur" )
- T hrough my hardship,
- Because ofArmed with this realization,

There you have it Ferdi, I hope my remarks help enhance your essay.

Writing Feedback / How do cars affect our life and what can we do to address the problems cars caused [3]

Dixing, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.
I can see that you have quiet a work cut out for you here as a contributor
already gave you the necessary correction on the words and the sentence structure.

Now, form my side, I suggest that you merge your paragraphs into maybe three full paragraphs,
having it in the way you initially formatted the paragraphs just seem to be very busy essay but this
does not necessarily mean that the essay is strong enough to be critiqued.
Forming it into full paragraphs will give it that formal impression and a clean cut that will help your
essay stand out and mean what you really mean.

I hope my insights on your essay helped.

Book Reports / Lady Macbeth's onset of mental illness, anxiety and lack of empathy [2]

Christy, after reading your essay, I can only comment on the manner of writing your essay,
I'm not in the position to regard if it is good enough for the IGCSE English as I'm no expert.

Now, your writing skill as shown on this book report is rather strong, your sentence construction is true to the
idea and how you understood the novel that you just read.

Overall, I can say that this book report summarized the book properly and how you let your readers engaged to your
essay is one thing that is quiet hard to do and you pulled it off, so GOOD JOB!!!

I hope my insights helped.

Essays / Difference between Personal Statement and SOP [8]

Sakshi, on my end, this is easy;

Personal statement is written with your free - creative imagination , what has happened in the past,
your experiences, a semi formal essay of you and what is unique about you.

On the other hand,

Statement of purpose is more of answering the question, what do you want to become or what do you want to achieve,
this can be academic or personal or both and this essay is rather formal and clean, precise and straight to the point.

Anyhow, should you need further understanding on the difference of this essays you can always read some samples here
on EF for better comprehension and of course you can always consult our dear internet, google in particular, if you have any doubts.

Undergraduate / LEYSIN AMERICA SCHOOL, SWITZERLAND APPLICATION ESSAY [4]

Oluwato, after reading your essay, from the very beginning you have already establish that Nelson Mandela
made a huge impact in your life, I suggest that you supplement his name by using "his" or "him", for you not to keep

mentioning him all through out the essay.

Remember, as much as this essay is about the person that has influenced you, the most important focus should not be on the
person but on you. You have to revise your essay and direct it to your learnings from the life of the person who influenced you the most.

I hope to read your revised essay and don't forget to use stronger words that will dictate your will for greatness just like your role model,

but this time focus on yourself and your will to follow his footsteps.

Undergraduate / The bristles of the paintbrush. Painting plays a crucial role in my life. Help with Common App Essay [3]

Ridi, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
Kindly find my corrections below.

- The bristles of the paintbrush dances in my hand dances around

- Painting has played a crucial role in my life ever since I was a young child( a "child" is a young, we don't state the obvious ) .

- Ever sS ince then,

- Everyday in elementary school, I looked forward to everyday discovery, when my class
- run wild onto the canvases. Even, in high school,

- In the Painting Club,
- I painted my worries away and focused on my imaginations comingto come to life.
- As life goes inprogress to the future,

There you have it Ridi, I hope my remarks helped.

Essays / I have a footnoting question I need answered. [2]

Zoger, the URL to be used is very new strategy when adding a footnote to the essay.

Now in this URL, there's a unique link to the topic that you are citing may it be the first or second
page of the article, I suggest you copy this unique link, just like how we do it when writing
a a web content or writing online and we want to link a site.
This process should not be difficult for you and this would definitely add a unique approach
to your essay, therefore it will stand out.
Know for a fact that you have to make sure that this tiny URL links will lead you to a different
site when you don't copy or write it properly.

There you have it Zoger, I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / I believe that "Knowledge is Power". Statement of purpose, VLSI /electronics and communication [2]

Megha, as I finish reading your essay, I believe that you have written it in full rich detail which is needed
when writing this type of essay,when it comes to your grammar, it definitely needs improvement and it
may not be perfect but your sentences are written in a way that it's understandable, logical, all you have to
do is to make sure that you don't forget your linking verbs as they make up the whole sentence and they
give more life to it as well.

I have a few reservations on your last two paragraph, let me see what I can do.

- I also enjoy teaching so in my free time to teach neighborhood children sometimes ,
- by actuallyphysically seeing things work.
- researcher- either in the industry or in the university.
- In fact, that's something I would immensely enjoy immensely .

- I would be more than happy to be given the opportunity to pursue my graduate study in your university. TheGiven this opportunity of graduate studies, the practical orientation

- of your in-depth coursework will allow me to not only acquire a clear
- I am confident that my exposure to suchthese initiatives would
- quite augment my knowledge base and add tremendous value in enablingthat will enable me to realize my professional goals.

There you have it Megha, I made a few corrections ion this part of the essay, I took the liberty of adding and deleting unnecessary inclusions on your essay.

I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / Requesting a short evaluation of Letter of Motivation for Chalmers Univ. [4]

Debasish, I did go through your LOM and being the reader in this case, I feel like I'm reading a personal letter.
Yes you have written your academic achievements, goals and aspiration but for now this is not what the prompt
is asking you to do, it's a motivation letter,not an outline of your academic background.

Your motivation letter should answer the question,
What influenced you to pursue your Masters in Chalmers university?
This should be not more that 3 paragraphs, highlighting your passion for this field of studies
and keep in mind that you can still use or will be needing the other information in this essay that you may
not be allowed to use later.

I suggest that you re-write your essay, streamline it to the agenda that you have and avoid unnecessary
information that will not be applicable to strengthen your essay.

I hope to read your revised essay that is direct to the purpose of the essay and make sure that it is a straight forward

paper to evaluate.

Undergraduate / I am a Slovakian writing a personal essay for a college in the United States. [2]

Lucia, this is a heart warming story that you have written here, it successfully capture the thought of a struggle
and facing that challenge in order in order to succeed.

Now, I just have a few questions, why are some of the words or sentences or paragraph in italicize and some are normal?
Is this the writing style that you want to keep you essay with, because this will not help your essay at all, it's ok if you want to give that image

of importance to this part of the essay but not to completely write them in a different stroke, you might want to try writing
them in bold, that will make more sense.

Your grammar needs a little bit of work too as well as your choice of words and overall sentence construction,
they seem to appear a little bit pre mature.

That's it for me Lucia, I hope my suggestions help.

Undergraduate / Why I want to be an illustrator? MassArt Statement of Purpose Letter! Help !? :3 [4]

Katryana, after careful reading of your essay, first it is very clean, neatly written,
you didn't go for segmented paragraphs that most students do when they want to
impress the panel of their writing, this normally does not work and I'm glad that
you didn't do it.

Your word choice is also very strong, you manage to use words that are precise,
easy to comprehend and most importantly conveys the message that you want your readers
to understand.

I took the liberty to strengthen your final 2 sentences in this essay.

Final paragraph
- I want to useincorporate the skill I
- learned to show people, God's love through me!
- I hope to become an illustrator and incorporate what I have learned over the past couple of years. I also want toand express my love for my Creator and His love for us all mankind through my art.

There you have it Katryana, I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / ​Nothing confused me more than downloading a file wirelessly -- Cornell Engineering Essay [4]

Jon, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

First paragraph
- first few weeks after we bought it, as I struggled to
- Every day after school endedAfter school
- I eagerly hurried hurry home to learn and research more about computers.

2nd paragraph
- My interest for computer science transcendedtranspired after watching the movie The Social Network.
- I was never so engrossed to a film before;
- my own endeavors to learn codethe language of coding .

3rd paragraph
- I knew I had chosen the right path.

Final paragraph
- To satiate my desire for computers, I look towards Cornell University. With, with its world-renown
- Cornellthe institution would be able to make

There you have it Jon, I hope my remarks helped!

Graduate / CMU ebiz SoP and practicum project [3]

Shiyun, the first few sentences in your essay used the MATLAB for about 3 times,
I suggest just mentioning it once, this is enough to establish the subject of the essay.
Replace the word with a supplemental verb such as "the" or "that" or "this", whatever
works well with your sentence and the idea that you're working on.

I also would like to work on the last paragraph of your essay.

Final paragraph
- Since I am currently working
- Currently, thisThe company is relying
- ButHowever, I do not think
- it is a good idea to mix up studying with chatting,
- Also, when registration for classes begins, its website always crashes down.During the registration at the beginning of the class, the website crashes.
- class registration. While,while the students can
- save their homework and contact their teachers if they have any questions, their parents can register classes using this app too .

Shiyun, after reading and modifying the final paragraph, I feel like the essay still lacks a couple more sentence in order to complete the essay.

I suggest the following;

This app will not only be helpful for the students, parents, teachers but also for the entire society. Safety is one aspect that will make this program successful and I will make it happen for the welfare of the future generation.

I hope my remarks helped!

Graduate / Applying to the master's program in Public Administration - personal statement for MPA [6]

Nurul, I caught up with your essay when I refreshed my EF page and I'm not sure if this is an
issue of English being you second language because you actually came up with a pretty well
written essay. However long, I will still consider your essay as detailed and informative as you
can ever write.

Now,as I read through your essay,
I figured out that we can remove the third and fourth paragraph and replace them with a general idea
showcasing your academic years, your struggles and the experiences where you learned your valuable lessons.

Here's what I came up with;

Over my academic years, I aim to excel, find a balance in my academic career and extra curricular activities as well as making the most out of my scholarship granted by the Malaysia Public Service Department. This achievement and experience influence me to further my studies abroad. My passion for public administration fulfills most of my goals in life and I will always be persuasive to continue learning and practicing what I do best for greater welfare.

After this paragraph above, inject the next paragraphs that you have, you can also merge this paragraph to the second one so that it does not look segmented or poorly written.

There you have it Nurul, I hope I was able to help.