Scholarship / My unforgettable experiences at the private school; letter of self-introduction (KGSP) [13]

The revised essay works. It contains all of the necessary information for the reviewer to consider your application. While the internship / training that you had does not really qualify as personal experience as it was done during a training period only, it is the best that you can come up with. It might, I am not sure, but it might be considered some sort of experience by the reviewer. Your background is concise and shows a logical development of your interests.

Some points for adjustment still exist. For instance, do not tell the reviewer that Korea has been your dream country since Middle School. That is not a valid reason for wishing to study in Korea. A valid reason falls more along the lines of wishing to immerse yourself in a world that is not known to you. The later part of that paragraph about your fascination with the culture, traditions, and people of Korea will be sufficient enough to stand as the reason for your desire to study in Korea.

Your final paragraph is unnecessary in this essay. You need not plead your case because the reviewer will not base your acceptance on the pleadings of the applicant but rather, on the qualifications that you present for consideration. So, rather than adding to the weakness of the self introduction, strengthen it by closing the letter on the point about your interest in Korea. You may only add a paragraph after that if you are applying through the university track. That is because you need to also discuss why you chose this particular university to apply for admission to. Otherwise, just close it with the discussion about Korea.

Scholarship / NIIED Scholarship Future Plan after Study - use it in Korean or Chilean work field [3]

Macarena, this essay will not work at all for your purposes A post study plan needs to be definite in approach. This is purely hypothetical without any clear direction for a career after you complete the program. If I were to take any part of this essay to serve as the foundation of your post study plan, I would use paragraph 4. The reason I would use that paragraph is because it says exactly what the reviewer wants to hear, you will work in Korea for a few years before you return to your home country. While the topic sentence of the paragraph is good, the content and supporting statements are weak. Throughout the essay what you need is a solid idea for how you plan to implement your English based career after graduation. For example, you can say something like:

Upon the completion of my masters studies, I plan to work in Korea for a few years. The idea is to be able to save money for my return home where I will open my own English language studio. I hope to gain employment at an English as a Second Language school in Korea where I can help improve the Korean ability to speak in English and also put into practice everything that I learned during my masters.

Returning home, I will work for the government schools as an English teacher in order to create the contacts I need to open my English studio. I hope open my English school within 3 years of my return...

That is how you present a post study plan. Use my work as your example and develop your own ideas for presentation based upon the above template. It is the only way that you can develop a more accurate post study plan.

Writing Feedback / Write a letter to your friend, in your letter ask your friend to send you one of the photographs [4]

There are a number of things that you could have done to turn this into an 8 essay. First of all, you should have gotten the time reference right. Then, you could have written a longer letter composed of about 3 paragraphs. That meant that the tone of the letter would have needed to be more cordial in order to have you write more English words that hopefully, would have translated into more complex sentences. Using English words or slang that is more commonly known to native English speakers would have also been helpful. When you use slang that is common only to your part of the world, you will lose the reviewer. So it is always best to either keep the slang to a minimum or not use it at all. A little bit more of English fluency, to the level of a native speaker would have been necessary to secure the final criteria that could have scored you an 8. It is very difficult to achieve an 8 but it can be done. With constant practice of both the written and spoken English language, you just might get to that level. That level of writing though, normally takes ESL students years, if not decades to achieve. Just keep practicing and you will eventually get to that level.

Writing Feedback / The tendency that youth graduates find it difficult to find a job nowadays [8]

When you are asked to give a potential solution to the problem such as "What can be done to address this problem?" which is the question posed in this essay, you can give your own solution to the problem. The solution can be based on your personal approach to the problem and the solution you would apply to it. It does not have to be the perfect solution, nor does it have to be the correct solution. It just has to be a solution. There are no right or wrong answers to these essay questions. The questions are meant to test your English understanding and writing skills. It does not consider the validity of the answers based upon applicability such as if you were taking the GRE test. Just write the solution that you think will work for the problem in an understandable manner. Use simple English if you have to. It won't matter in the end as long as your solution falls within the prompt parameters.

Writing Feedback / Write a letter to your friend, in your letter ask your friend to send you one of the photographs [4]

Jessy, the letter is good. It delivers on all the prompt expectations except on one point. That is, you were asked to discuss a recent trip. So when you said "last summer" that is not considered recent. A recent trip would be something that you had about a few days ago. Anything over one month uses the term "last" which indicates a longer period of time. Recent means something:

having happened, begun, or been done not long ago or not long before; belonging to a past period of time comparatively close to the present.

Therefore, while your essay delivered on most of the requirements, the misunderstanding regarding the proper time frame of the event has resulted in a lower score for this essay. The score would probably be anywhere between a 3 (for failure to address the task properly) to a 4 (because you were able to address the task but missed a few important points such as the correct time frame). By the way, what did you mean by "Hope you can shed some light over"? That doesn't make sense to a native English speaker. Kindly explain what you mean.

Graduate / My background, research experience and motivation. Review my Statement of Purpose for pursuing phd [3]

Mahesh, do not use this outline format in your final presentation for your SOP. Always use the essay format unless otherwise specified by the university. You have a pretty solid background academically. However, a representation of your masters thesis would have helped to better illustrate your purpose for higher study. If you can provide at least an overview of the masters thesis, that will help to improve the content of your SOP. With regards to your published work, you should provide an overview of that article as part of your essay. When combined with your masters thesis, you should be able to set the stage for the possible content of your dissertation paper. The topic of the dissertation paper should be presented in overview form as part of your statement of purpose because the dissertation relates directly to your future professional goals. Try to keep the masters thesis and the dissertation connected in terms of topic and research somehow. The progression of your skills and knowledge should have a sense of continuity at all times. The motivation for higher studies that you have outlined is not very good. It needs to be strengthened. If you can present a solid dissertation topic, with a real world scenario application, your motivation can actually be blended into that paragraph. There is a need for you to also explain why you came to the decision that the university you have chosen is the best option for your PhD course. Try to explain how you came to this decision in order to justify your choice of university. What makes this university special or what makes it better suited towards your PhD needs? Your essay has a lot of room for improvement. I do not doubt that the addition of these information will result in a better and stronger PhD SOP for you. I hope to read your revised essay, in the proper format this time, as soon as you develop and present it. Take your time. Don't rush. That is how you end up with a mediocre SOP.

Scholarship / My unforgettable experiences at the private school; letter of self-introduction (KGSP) [13]

Yes, you understood my instructions perfectly. As for the work experience, you should share everything that you can which can translate into a professional experience. Explain what the work was all about, how you ended up doing it, and what you learned from the experience that has led you to the realization that you need to study English further. If this was all about teacher training, then tie it in somehow with your motivation to study in Korea. You want to learn more about English lit and other related subjects right? Connect the dots when it comes to those things. Try to figure out why you think that studying in Korea instead of in an English language country is the best option for you as a masters student. Remember, Korean lit is different from English lit so you have to find a highly convincing reason for your reason to study in Korea.

Scholarship / My unforgettable experiences at the private school; letter of self-introduction (KGSP) [13]

You need to provide a background on your mother and father. Their occupation and the possible influence that they had on you. You need to expand on your family background a little bit more. There is no need to explain your interest in languages because you are not enrolling as a Linguistics major. By the way, the language is German. The country is Germany. The early education and high school background is unnecessary at this point. What you have to work on, is the presentation of your professional experience as an English major. What sort of internships or professional work have you done that relates to the major you have chosen. If you do not have any experience professionally to speak of, then your application will be incomplete and will not be considered as a contender in the first round of reviews. If you miss out on a single requirement for the first round, you will weaken your application greatly. I did not read any professional experience related to the English language in your profile and this worries me immensely. You are applying right after college, while all of your competitors will have years of experience under their belt. They will be better qualified than you. So what makes you think that you should be given an opportunity to study in Korea when there are those who are better qualified than you for the slot? Do not explain about how you found out about the KGSP program and other nonsense. That is nonsense because it does not fit in the profile of the prompt requirements. Don't try to flatter the reviewer because you have weak qualifications. That will not work. Even your reason for studying in Korea is terribly weak. The only suggestion I can give you in order to try and improve your chances for consideration in the first round is to read the other self introduction letters here. Specially the ones concerned with an English masters degree. Learn from their presentation, but do not plagiarize them. Figure out how, based on their examples, you can improve your own presentation and chances for consideration.

Scholarship / Course of life, view of life, study background, hopes and wishes, education and work experience [6]

Revise the whole essay to discuss your accounting background and interests in relation to the prompt requirements. Focus the essay only on the discussion of accounting as the masters degree course that you want to enroll in. Revise the content to show off your educational experience and professional experience in the field of accounting. You can mention becoming an auditor in the future. Talk about accounting and how you see it incorporated into your future. Do not discuss becoming a lecturer at a university at this point. That is a totally different topic that does not belong here. Just revise the content to show the prompt requirements in relation to accounting for now. You need to clean up the discussion in your essay and the best way to do it is by focusing on the correct masters degree course first.

Scholarship / Course of life, view of life, study background, hopes and wishes, education and work experience [6]

Ali, this is a very confusing letter of introduction. There is no clarity regarding what your particular masters degree will be since being an educator and an auditor are two different things and you will only be allowed to take one masters degree course in Korea. You have to decide if you will be an educator or an auditor. If your plan is to open an online university, you should revise the essay to talk about how you have been motivated to become an educator instead. That way the self introduction will have a focused discussion topic throughout the essay. The reasons that you have for studying in Korea should be based on more than just a movie that you saw which you enjoyed watching. What are the deeper reasons you have for wanting to study in Korea? How does your interest to study in Korea relate to your desire to become a better educator? That will be a good enough response to the reason regarding why you wish to study in Korea. Your work experience does not relate to your desire to set up an online university and be an educator. Do you have any sort of experience in the teaching field? You need to build up that professional reference in order to make your essay more relevant to your application.

I am afraid you are not focused enough to write this essay. You have not actually chosen your masters degree course yet. You have to work out what your masters course will be first and then work on collecting your relevant educational and work experience. Only then will you be able to properly write a usable draft of the letter of introduction.

Graduate / Mathematics education - Statement of purpose for grad school [6]

I am sorry to say this but the essay that you wrote does not fall within the KGSP prompt requirements for a self introduction letter, which takes the place of the statement of purpose. Did you look over the required essays for the scholarship application before you wrote the draft? It does not feel like you did actual research for the application requirements, which is why your essay is so far from the required elements of the scholarship self introduction. Regardless if you are applying via the university or embassy track, the essays required are all the same in terms of content.

Your first essay is called a "Letter of Self Introduction" which takes the place of a statement of purpose. For this letter, you have to supply the following information to the reviewer:

-Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
-Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
-Your motivations for applying for this program
-Reason for study in Korea

As you can see, your essay does not exactly follow the required elements. Specially in the first, and third parts of the required discussion. In this case, it will be difficult for you to insert the other necessary portions into this existing essay. It would be best if you just write a new essay, one that better reflects the prompt requirements, using the essay that you wrote as a reference for the presentation of some other information that is required by the reviewer for your application.

Poetry / Corruption, Corruption, and more Corruption or Injustice [4]

Patience, the start of this poem has the feel of an essay. Revise it. By the way, the essay does not talk about your development as a future leader of your country so that stanza at the start might be severely out of place. Actually, the poem becomes more confusing as you progress with reading it. There seem to be three voices in there when there should only be one. Either it is the country (in female voice) that speaks of the leadership she desires or, you speak (in first voice) of how you have become a leader in your country. Rather than saying "Where am I now?" you should be saying "Here I am now" because you implied that you became a leader of your nation somehow. I don't really see that development in any stanzas. So I am convinced that you wrote this in a rush, did not follow the outline topics I suggested, and did not use keywords to develop your stanzas. You may need to revise the whole poem. Just so you can find the voice of the actual "person" who is "speaking" in the essay.

Scholarship / Paper for a Business Scholarship my school is offering - my involvement in the School of Business [5]

You can insert the paragraph about your internship in the second paragraph if you wish to. Although, the internships are usually discussed as an expanded, stand alone paragraph in most scholarship applications. Basically, you can insert it wherever you feel it best fits in the essay. As long as the previous paragraph to it transitions into the discussion smoothly, then that is the best place to put the information.

You don't have to apply changes to the third paragraph if you don't want to. I am only merely making suggestions to help improve your essay at this point. As long as your essay comes in under the 2 page requirement, then your essay will be well received by the reviewer. I just feel like you have too much information going on in the third paragraph. That is why I was suggesting an edit on it. Ideally, you should turn in something between a full page to a page and a half to the reviewer. There are private reasons that the university reviewers prefer to read specifically formatted essays. Keep it under 2 pages and you will be fine.

Just mentioning the most important participation that you have, which makes your activities notable, is always more effective than listing all of your activities. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read all of the information in that paragraph. He will just scan it for the most notable information and take note of those. If you put too much information into the paragraph, he will most likely scan and forget instead of scan and remember. That said, keep the 3rd paragraph in that manner for your own reasons. It's not my responsibility to convince you to do otherwise.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - describe the changes of an island before and after it turned to a resort [6]

Alice, due to the mechanical nature of your essay, you cannot score higher than a 5 with this work. The essay only represents the clear information from the illustrations provided. Your comparison is incomplete and does not provide a complete idea of how the transformations on the island occurred. It was important for your essay that you properly compared and contrasted the illustrations. An explanation of the before and after images would have been more than appropriate for this discussion. If you will recall the instructions for this prompt, you were to make comparisons where it was applicable. However, there was no comparison made in your essay. Instead of having the expected 4 paragraph discussion, you only have 2 paragraphs and one underdeveloped summary overview. It is because of the lack of proper discussion in the essay that you provided which led to the score of 5 in the overall consideration of your work.

Undergraduate / University of Connecticut transfer essay - Storrs campus [2]

Eshan, the direction of your essay should take on a comparative look as to why you believe that Broward has taken you as far as you can go academically in their setting. In order to convince the reviewer that you will be academically stunted at Broward, hence the immediate need for you to switch universities, you must explain your academic goals in a clearer manner. That includes, an explanation of why you chose to enroll at Broward first.

It would be in your best interest to explain that you are a current honor student at your current university in order to better explain why you would consider living at the Honors Residential Community. The size of the student community is not really considered a compelling factor to move from university to another. I don't suggest mentioning that since it doesn't really have an academic relevance in the essay. While it may have some social context, it doesn't really sound all too important a consideration in the discussion you have set up.

At the end of the essay, you can't really say that UConn is your first choice because you did not establish that early in the essay. I suggest you make a reference to applying to and being rejected, put on the wait list or the short list, or something, which led to you ending up at Broward while you waited for your chance to apply for admission to UConn again. If no such thing happened to you, then it would be best not to say that UConn is your first choice university. There is no data to support that claim on your part.

Graduate / Mathematics education - Statement of purpose for grad school [6]

Anne, this does not sound like a statement of purpose for a scholarship application. This is more of a personal statement geared towards the university application. Is this essay meant for a university scholarship? Or is this supposed to be for a specific, non - university related scholarship grant?

There are a number of points for removal in your essay. The first, is the reference to your peers thinking that you are ready to go into masters studies. Their opinion does not matter to the reviewer. Then, there is reference to your childhood and high school interests in Math. Remove those references and focus more on the professional reason why you believe that you need to study an MS in Math. Discuss the relevant shortcomings of your college training in the field. Overcoming those difficulties will become the motivating purpose behind your higher studies.

Take out the paragraph that discusses how long it took you to decide to enroll in the MS course. That is not relevant to your application. What matters to the reviewer are the reasons and the purpose behind your desire to enroll in the course. It is already assumed that you qualify on all counts for the MS course so your apprehensions have no place in the essay.

BTW, are you applying via KGSP or are you applying on an individual level to the university? If you are applying through the KGSP, you have to tell me because the statement of purpose for that program is totally different from that of an ordinary SOP. If you are, then we will need to revise the whole essay to be more prompt responsive.

Scholarship / Environmental problems are serious in many countries. Protection at an international level only. [2]

Min, there was a total misunderstanding of the prompt on your part. The instruction is for you to agree or disagree with the given statement. As such, your opening statement should have contained the words "I agree / disagree with the opinion provided based on the following reasons". This is not an opinion based essay so to say "My view is that..." is a mistake. Always present the prompt requirements in the manner that you are expected to discuss it in the essay. The term "My view" is something related to an opinion essay.

Then, there is the problem of your actual discussion which focused on the national government responsibilities rather than the international community involvement that the prompt based the statement upon. While you present a good discussion, the information you provided was not in the manner that the prompt instructed. So it became even more obvious that you failed to properly understand the requirements of the essay. As such, I do not believe that you can get a score higher than a 4. The main reason being that your discussion format is inappropriate for the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Paper for a Business Scholarship my school is offering - my involvement in the School of Business [5]

Jonathan, add the information about you being on the Dean's List in the second paragraph. Explain that you expect to be a good representative of the scholarship because you were on the Dean's List for the (semester and year). Do you know if this scholarship program will cover your expenses 100 % or not? It is important to reflect your plans for self sustaining your other fees in case this is not a total grant. That discussion can be inserted in place of the academic experience with the various professors and companies that you are presenting in the 3rd paragraph. That academic and internship experience can be summarized to only your most recent and relevant internships. The focus has to be on the reasons why you feel you deserve this scholarship more than the other applicants. Aside from your parents being too old to help sustain your college studies, what other reasons do you have? Show the reviewer the kind of hard working and fiscally responsible student you are. You have to show them that you are more than just brains. What kind of potential do you have as a future specialist in this field? There is no clear representation of your career goals in this essay even though it is specifically required in the prompt discussion topics. You have almost two pages to work with for this essay. Revise it to come in at a page and a half in order to meet all of the required information presentation.

Graduate / The journey from a Plant Engineer to an Entrepreneur. SOP for supply chain management [2]

Deepain, the first thing you have to do with this essay is shorten the length. This is too long at 1177 words. Aim to present your full discussion between 500 - 750 words. That is the more acceptable length of an SOP discussion. You can do that by eliminating the unwanted and irrelevant information that you currently have in your essay.

The opening statement of your essay is nothing but word filler at this point because it does not directly relate to your purpose for higher study. There is no requirement for you to explain the supply and management chain to the reviewer. In the opening statement, you must focus solely on explaining your purpose for higher study. Present it at the very top because the succeeding paragraphs are only meant to support your claims of being prepared and having a professional requirement for additional studies and training.

Remove the reference to Dexter's Laboratory. That is the best way to ensure that the reviewer will not take your application seriously. Childhood fantasies and influences have no place in the highly competitive and academic world of a masters student. Instead. Summarize your college experience by mentioning your school, years of attendance, your major, and recognition that you received during that time. That particular paragraph in this essay is extremely long and not very focused. Kindly review the content of the paragraph and shorten it to a more informative and relevant length.

It is the professional experience that should actually be a bit longer in this essay. As a professional, you may have some relevant work experience that has motivated you to enroll in higher studies. Maybe you are applying via the thesis program of the university? If you are, then this would be the best time to present a summarized thesis statement that you hope to pursue as a graduate student at the university.

Finally, you need to say more about the university that you have chosen in relation to your line of study. Your reasons for wanting to study at this university need to be better explained on an academic and professional basis. Not just on the image that Singapore has as a business hub in today's world. Why this school in particular? What benefits can you gain from studying there?

Scholarship / Photography and computers were my fields of interest since my childhood. Self Introduction KGSP 2017 [19]

Don't forget that we have a one essay per thread policy. That means that this current thread is meant to discuss only the self introduction letter. The study plan should be presented in a different thread because that is a new essay and a new topic. So, as per the rules, it no longer belongs in this thread. More importantly, please don't forget to help the other students with useful advice before you post your new essay in a separate thread. The others are also looking forward to getting your opinions and advice about how to improve their own work. So please, do your part in helping others so that we can continue to have a vibrant community of writing learners here. I will definitely be waiting to read your study plan essay. It sounds like it is going to be an interesting read.

Undergraduate / Everything starts from its core - Georgia Tech Short Answers [4]

If you would just remove the reference to the "living species" and the humor will be well placed. I am not sure though as to how your being a middle child "mediator" helps to explain your interest in civil engineering. It seems to me that the essay will be better written without that discussion in it. Actually, I find the first paragraph to be rather ill effective in this statement. It seems a little bit forced and the connection to your being a middle child did not help to add humor to the essay. In my opinion, simply stating your interest using the second paragraph would be more straightforward and sufficient to accurately respond to the prompt. Being a character limited essay, it is best to keep your response as short and direct as possible. You don't need to use all of the word count. Half of it used is good enough.

Undergraduate / Everything starts from its core - Georgia Tech Short Answers [4]

Salsabila, please provide the prompt that you are responding to. I can't really give you an accurate review and specific advice if I do not know what question you are trying to respond to or what you are trying to explain to the reviewer. While the essay does carry some humor to it, I am not quite sure if the humor is misplaced. That is why I need to read the actual prompt. I want to make sure that the type of response that you created is appropriate for the prompt. By the way, while a humorous paper is acceptable, a sarcastic paper is not. It would be best to avoid sarcasm at all costs because it may come across negatively to the reviewer instead of as a joke. At this point, I can't really offer a solid review and advice regarding the improvements to your response. I have to wait for the actual prompt to come from you first. Then I can better assess your response for relevance and other potential problems.

Scholarship / Self-introduction Essay For KGSP 2017 _ At the doorstep of my dreams [3]

Asshar, let's deal with this essay step by step. For starters, your discussion about your educational background tends to include irrelevant information. While the essay prompt does say "educational background", that does not mean that you are required to go all the way back to grade school. You are to only discuss your most recent educational attainment. That means discussing your college experience. So, when you discuss your family background, ambition, dreams, wishes, point of view about life, and other character developing information, these all have to lead to the development of your interest in the field of study you took in college.

Once you begin to discuss your college years, discuss the highest grades that you got and the achievements that you were recognized for. You should only discuss your thesis project if it relates to your masters degree interests. If it does not, then there is no need to include such an intricate discussion in your essay. Instead, focus majority of the essay on your professional experience.

With regards to your professional experience, why are you only discussing internships at different companies? How long has it been since you graduated? Did you not work in the field that you studied in college for? It sounds to me like your internships were an excellent training ground. However, it seems that you were not able to practice the craft you studied as a professional? You will need to explain that to the reviewer. As a masters degree student, you are required to have at least 2 years work experience prior to applying for masters school because your motivation for applying must be profession related. I don't really get a clear idea of what has motivated you to apply for this masters degree in Korea. Maybe it is too vague in the essay?

Since you are applying to the scholarship via university track, you need to do research about your masters degree course in relation to the university. Discuss the reasons why you chose this university as the basis of the reasons why you want to study in Korea. That will be more impressive than the discussion of the social culture of Korea, which is the usual reason provided by most students writing this letter. The university based response will be more unique in this case.

If you write the essay based upon my recommendations, the length should adjust to become shorter and also, allow for a more focused discussion of the prompt requirements. That is a necessity when writing this kind of essay because, as you said, it tends to run long and lose focus. Hopefully my advice will be able to guide you back to the critical points for discussion in the essay.

Writing Feedback / A lot of technological enhancements have taken place in developing societies [6]

Prasanth, the proper paraphrasing of the prompt depends solely on the way that you understand the topic for discussion and the method by which you are being asked to present the discussion of the essay. Therefore, the first paragraph should contain a clear representation of what you believe the topic discussion is. What do you understand from the meaning of the topic presented in the prompt? After you explain what you understand about it, present the next set of instructions related to the discussion. Either an agreement, a disagreement, an opinion, a comparison, or anything else that the prompt instruction may expect you to do. So these will be about 2 additional sentences to the first paragraph for a total of 3 sentences. I would like nothing more than to show you how to properly write a proper opening statement for your essay. If you can provide me with the original and complete prompt instructions for the essay that you wrote above, I will do my best to present an example to you that will best respond to your questions and serve as your guideline in creating the opening statement for this and your future essays.

Scholarship / Course of life, view of life, study background, hopes and wishes, education and work experience [6]

Ali, you need to expand on the professional experience that you have. While it may not be relevant to the masters degree that you have applied for, surely there is some sort of connection between the two that has motivated you to pursue higher studies. If this is all about changing your career then explain why you have a strong motivation to change careers. What is it about this masters degree that tells you your future lies in this field instead of the first one that you entered? What motivating factors surround that decision? More importantly, how do you see that motivating factor helping advance your career in the future?

Please reorganize your essay content to be more aligned with the prompt listing. That will make it easier for the reviewer to scan for the necessary information in case he does not have the time to read the whole essay. Make sure that you present all of the information in a manner that is cohesive and logical. Right now, your essay tends to jump around the discussion topics which makes it difficult to read and keep track of of the information you are providing. Group the information into requirements and present the related information in one paragraph alone in order to make it easier to read your letter of self introduction.

Essays / Critical analysis and research methods of a career choice research paper [2]

Beth, the quantitative research will be based upon the methodology of your research. How do you plan to gather the information about the recruitment process and application process. The questions you will be asking should be in either a survey form, statistics, or computational math techniques. You need to have comparable digits from the responses to your method of seeking out information in order to present the quantitative data in your paper. The critical analysis of the research paper will be based upon your understanding of the writer's purpose, an evaluation of how he came to his conclusion, and whether or not he has successfully informed his target audience. There are an number of other considerations to be used depending upon the kind of paper that you are reviewing. These are the basic points that are normally considered when critically analyzing a research paper.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

HI Reza, I already made some suggestions as to how you can approach your dissertation in my previous responses. Weren't you able to read those? Or were my suggestions not applicable to what you want to do? In all honesty, the best person to ask regarding the best topic for research will be your dissertation adviser. The adviser is the one who can tell you if there are any similar research already being done by other students in your field within your university. That way you will avoid duplication of research material. You have a pretty good topic title for your dissertation. However, unless you can tell me what the thesis statement is that goes with the title, I am not sure if it can work well with the topic of Data Mining. Please present an expanded explanation of the topic you mentioned above so I can analyze whether it will be a good topic or not for your research. Bear in mind though, I will give an opinion without knowing if there is already existing research in this field at your university. So double check with your adviser first.

I know that it can be daunting to work on your dissertation paper. There are so many things that can go wrong during the research. Then again, you have to make the mistakes in order to learn, become a better student / learner, and in the process, learn to resolve the issues that could have prevented you from completing your paper. Since this is a research paper, you should not be afraid to pick a topic. The skill involved here will be research skills. So as long as you know what topic you are researching and what question you want to resolve with your research, you will do just fine. Remember, you have to complete the dissertation in order to graduate and get your PhD. Don't let the fear of difficulties that you will be facing in completing the final leg of your doctoral studies stop you. It will be such a waste if you don't follow through during this final stretch. Don't be afraid. You have trained for this all your academic life. Pick your comfort zone in terms of the possible topics you can research. Pick the topic that you feel comfortable researching because you either have a lot of theoretical, not necessarily practical, skills that will make it easier for you to handle the research. Staying in your comfort zone this time will help you complete the work. Pick a topic and get started. The most difficult part is getting started. Once you get moving, the rest of the research should be easier to accomplish. I will be here to cheer you on and assist you whenever you need me. Just ask for my help and you will get it. Now, take a deep breath and get started, don't waste any more time than you already have.

Scholarship / 'A step toward future' <<< My study plan for KGSP (Uni Track) [6]

Nic, don't worry, just keep your presentation simple. Stick to what you know and what you understand. As long as you present a clear and workable thesis, the rest will follow. This study goal is not going to be the actual thesis research that you will be doing for the course unless you want it to be. This is just to show the reviewer that you have a clear idea of what you are getting into with these studies and that you have somewhat of a direction pertaining to what you want to learn into the course. At this point, all you can do is revise the essay. Write about the goal of your study in the best way that you can. I will help you clean it up to make sure that it sounds as professional as can be. Just focus on the content and what you want to do with the project. Remember, you can actually change the topic once the time to start your thesis comes.

Writing Feedback / The number of UK residents going abroad and overseas residents visiting the UK - IELTS WritingTask 1 [4]

Sehat, the inclusion of the names of the 5 countries in the summary statement would have made the first paragraph more complete in terms of summary overview. It would have also increased the number of your sentences which would have helped to prove a more increased understanding of the information provided and thus, increased the relevant scoring portions. Your presentation is clear and understandable. It does not offer any stress on the part of the reader because your language was simple enough to be understood. Overall, the essay accomplished the task except for a little redundancy in the first paragraph which lowered the score to just a 5 overall. Good work though. I expect to see continued improvement over the coming practice tests. Keep up the good work.

Scholarship / Contributing to the development of my country and having her benefit from my study [3]

Stephen, there are two things that you have to do with this essay. The first is to delete the first paragraph of your essay. That is unnecessary information as it does not relate directly to your post graduate plans. There is no backstory necessary for this essay only future scenarios that you might be able to present. Then, you have to adjust the content of your essay to present the methods by which you will be able to assess the success of the programs that you will be implementing based upon the completed education that you received. What kind of changes do you hope to see and how do you plan on measuring the success of your projects? These measurements could be based upon the survey or monitoring of your group or through Amnesty International of certain government or organization based projects for the improvement of the people in your country. Whichever way you choose to monitor the program, you must explain how it will be done and what you will consider to be the passing success rate of your project.

Graduate / Self introduction for Master degree in different field from undergraduate degree. [5]

Prapisiri, you need to write a totally new essay because this current essay doesn't provide the KGSP requirements for a self introduction letter. For starters, while I understand the influence that the Japanese man had in your life, it is not his influence upon you that you have to present. Rather, you should save that influence for the discussion of your point of view about life and how you developed it. You will have to revise the paragraph to indicate a point of view rather than an influence but I think you can make it work for that purpose. For the course of life, you have to introduce your family background and how that family has helped you become the person you are today. Explain the influence of your parents and the role that they played in your decision to pursue your college degree.

Then, explain the course of education that you took in college. Name the university, your major, any relevant awards or recognition you had, along with your possible internship programs that helped you to gain employment at this apparel company. For the discussion about your professional experience, you have to relate that back to your college degree and then, explain why you feel that you need to gain a masters degree in order to continue pursuing or growing in the global marketing field of your company. By explaining these information, you will be able to accurately portray your motivation for your higher studies. Your current motivation is shallow and misplaced in the essay. Always follow the presentation as per the prompt indications so the reviewer can keep track of what he is reading.

Scholarship / 'A step toward future' <<< My study plan for KGSP (Uni Track) [6]

Nic, in all honesty, the only part of this essay that actually serves as the proper basis for your study plan is the 7th paragraph. That is the actual goal of study and carries the basis of your study plan. Your prior paragraphs do not establish a study plan or goal of study in the proper manner. Use the 7th paragraph as your opening statement if possible. Then work on developing a thesis statement that you can present as a "goal of study" that way you have an actual reason for studying in Korea and a process by which you will live your student life there. You can use paragraph 1 and 2 to represent the basis of your interest in this line of research, but then you have to indicate that you have an end game planned for your research. Explain what you hope to accomplish by doing the research and how you hope to see it applied in Korea and your home country. It is only when you complete these information that you will have a new and workable study plan / goal for your application that will be ready for further improvements.

Scholarship / The things that I consider before choosing the university of my future study. Australia Scholarship [7]

As I reviewed this essay, something struck me. It is the fact that you have chosen two universities but do not indicate which of the two universities will be your priority in terms of attendance. Which university do you prefer to attend? Surely there is one university that serves as your first choice and another that comes out as you second choice or back up university. I suggest that you make references to such within the last paragraph of the essay just so the reviewer will know that such a preference exists for you. Otherwise, you may end up in a university that you did not expect to end up in. Meaning you end up in your second choice because you did not really signify that you had a first choice university during the application stage. Just add that information to the essay. The overall work is great. It doesn't require changes, just an addition of information.

Scholarship / A passionate young man that always want to help people. Self-introduction KGSP - biotechnology [14]

Try to connect the university offerings with your own interests and goals for your education. Why this university in particular? Aside from the commonly known information in the extremely short paragraph, what makes you feel that you are a perfect fit for the university you have chosen? Look into the way that the course you have chosen to study ties in with your professional and future needs. That paragraph should be better developed than what you have offered at the moment. You can remove the last few sentences that vouch for your character. This letter should only focus on the introduction of your background, your academic accomplishments, and the reason why the university that you have chosen to attend all work together for your ideal future career. These will comprise your motivation and reason for studying in Korea in a far better manner than you have at the moment. That discussion is reliant upon the recommendation letters that you will be submitting along with the application essays and other documents.

Graduate / Health, education, nutrition. Study & Future Plans Abroad Essay [3]

Ana, these are supposed to be written as 2 separate essays composed of one page each. The study plan / goal of study covers the requirements for your masters thesis research. This research is not clearly defined in this essay. Focus this essay only on the study plan / study goals. The information contained in this essay must focus on the problem that you hope to do research on while a masters student. This should not focus on the series of classes you want to take and the reasons behind them. Just like with a college thesis, the future graduates are expected to do research that will advance the field of their profession. In this instance, you have already mentioned a direct connection between the health issues of your country and Korea, so find the common problem, a reason why the research in these two countries will be important, how you plan to do the research,and what you expect the outcome of the research to be. The future plan is to be discussed in greater detail in a separate page long essay. Focus each page on a specific part of the application so that you can better convince the reviewer of your abilities to succeed as a student and then, as a graduate of the course. Don't try to pile it into one essay because that is a disservice to your application.

Undergraduate / For the majority of my life, I underestimated the importance of physical health. Issue of Importance [3]

Morgan, the essay is really very prompt responsive on a personal level. The only problem is that it tends to run bit long in some instances. So you should focus on combining paragraphs and removing unnecessary information in order to present a more cohesive and coherent discussion of the topic. While the essay already accomplishes that now, it can be made even clearer and more definitive with a little more editing.

I would start with combining paragraphs one and two. I suggest that you keep the first paragraph but omit the reference to the ages in the middle of the paragraph. That is because you want to deliver a serious and contemplative tone to the reviewer, without having him concentrate on any particular age on your part. All that is important is that he knows you struggled with these thoughts for some time. It is enough to say "I struggled with my weight then at the age of 18..." Bringing the mention of the age at a more opportune time works best for the paragraph and strengthens the presentation.

By the way, make sure to always spell the words properly. "Segway" is a motor transport device with "segue" means to transition. Which is what you wanted to say in the sentence. Remove the reference to social and financial control because those do no directly relate to your health issues. You should also remove the last paragraph because that is information not being asked for in the essay. Therefore, including it will change the focus of the discussion and somewhat confuse the reviewer. Just stick the information required by the prompt. The reviewers hate it when unwarranted information is found in the essays. Try to come up with a different closing statement instead. One that ties in more with the previous discussions in the essay.

Graduate / Persevering my dream. Self Introduction Letter for Graduate School. [5]

Ana, there is entirely too much focus on your academic studies. I am not sure if you missed it in the prompt requirement but you have to present some sort of professional experience in the field of education and nutrition as well. The reason for the double professional references? You mentioned that you are a double major and therefore, should have experience in both fields to present to the reviewer. You must limit the focus of your educational background to only the development of your interest in nutrition and education. There is no requirement for you to present your high school background because that is irrelevant at this point. You do not need to explain how you chose your major for college either. It is sufficient to say that you graduated as a double major in education and nutrition from your university. After that, explain how you put your major to use as a professional. Specifically, discuss in detail, the responsibilities that you have at the moment which have motivated you to apply for this scholarship. At the moment, you missing both the professional and motivational discussions in your essay, which has led to a huge information gap in your application. You need to add the information so that the essay can be considered a completed draft which is ready for further editing.

Graduate / 350 words|Personal Statement for MS in Entrepreneurship and Innovation of USC [3]

Li, the opening statement is really confusing. It seems like you are trying to address 2 or 3 topics in one paragraph. Try to keep a focus on introducing yourself first. That means, introduce yourself to the reviewer as someone who has a career vested interest in these studies. The essay focuses too much on your professional side and is weakened by the lack of academic preparation on your end. The prompt clearly indicates a need to balance your academic and professional experiences as justifications for your masters study preparedness. Th reference to your short term career goal should be made towards the end of the essay in order for you to properly develop the academic and professional reasons for your desire to gain a masters degree. You will need to edit the overall content of your essay in order to insert the information about your relevant academic experience. Do not neglect to present that because it is a requirement for the review of your application essays.

Scholarship / Photography and computers were my fields of interest since my childhood. Self Introduction KGSP 2017 [19]

No need to thank me. I am always here to help the students find their way. Applying for KGSP cannot be easy for anybody. More so if you do it alone. I am just glad that I can be of assistance to you in this instance. Now, about this essay.

As I recall, you told me that you mentioned the research paper in the study plan right? Since you mentioned this paper in another essay, you should remove all reference to that in this particular essay. Mostly because of the redundancy that is created, which shows the weakness of your application to the reviewer. A truly qualified applicant does not repeat information about himself in his essays because he has more than enough professional experience to convince the reviewer of his skills in the field.

The removal of the reference to the paper that you wrote will be enough to create a final form for this self introduction. Due to you not having enough professional skills to present to the reviewer, it would be in your best interest to keep this essay short and focused on as many aspects of the essay as you can, that might make him overlook the lack of professional experience. I am not saying he won't see it, just that it won't be as noticeable if you do not try to say too much about your academic background in the self introduction.

Do as I instruct and you can consider the essay usable already. There is nothing more we can do at this point. You have done everything possible to polish this letter. It's time to move on to the next essay for your application.

Writing Feedback / The tendency that youth graduates find it difficult to find a job nowadays [8]

Tram, I am not going to score you on this essay for now. The reason that I will not do that is because I would like to focus on helping you to address the problem points of this essay rather than having you focus on the score that this essay will bring in. The score does not matter for now. What matters is that you understand the problem points of your work and how you can solve it in order to get you a better score.

For starters, pay attention to the way that you type. Make sure that you capitalize the words that need to be capitalized. The first word of every sentence starts with a capital letter. Then, make sure that you have a properly formatted essay. Each paragraph, which includes the paraphrasing in the first paragraph and the conclusion in the last paragraph, all need to have at least 3 sentences in it for it to be considered at least a partially developed paragraph. The lack of sentences in any paragraph always results in an under developed presentation of your reasoning or evidence.

Next, make sure that you understand the prompt requirements. Only when an essay specifically asks you to deliver a personal opinion as part of the discussion should you present any form of a personal opinion. You presented a personal opinion in this essay which was totally uncalled for. That prompt deviation would definitely have affected your task accuracy score in a major way. When your task accuracy score is low, it is hard to get higher marks for the remaining criteria.

Finally, the minimum word requirement for the task 2 essay is 250 words. You wrote around 294. There is no need to revise the essay to meet the word count. You are in a very comfortable presentation level. Remember you cannot present less than 250, but you can present more than that in order to prove your GRA and LR abilities, which would help to increase your score, if done properly.