Writing Feedback / MY IELTS PRACTICE ESSAY ON THE "EXTINCTION" OF SEVERAL LANGUAGES [7]

Pham, the essay that you developed as a response to the prompt has some good and not so good points. The good points, have to do with the fact that you clearly understood the prompt and did your best to discuss the topic in a logical and coherent manner. The not so good points, have to do with the fact that the essay was written in such a rush that you were unable to properly and completely develop the lines of reasoning that you presented in the second and succeeding paragraphs.

There is a lack of clarity in your discussions and you were not able to accurately represent the full prompt requirements, specially with regards to how much you agreed with the prompt. Your conclusion shows that you were confused by the actual prompt instructions because you stated information that is not really related to the instructions you were provided. Therefore, this essay can't possibly score higher than a 4.

While we cannot do anything more about the score that you might have gotten for this essay, I would like you to take the observations I made about your problem points in this work and apply the necessary corrections in your succeeding essays. Pay particular attention to how you develop your reasoning. You don't need to present too many supporting reasons one or two properly developed and discussed reasons will more than be sufficient to get your point across in the essay.

Don't forget to double check your response against the prompt requirements when you are done drafting it. Make sure that you did not miss any points for discussion. Check the discussion requirements and make sure that you accurately developed your discussion in alignment with the prompt expectations as well.

Undergraduate / What really blew my mind was electricity. Waterloo "Engineering" essay [4]

Eiad, here are 564 words to help you get started on better directing your response. Fill in the spaces or write a new one using what I wrote as your guide. You need to fill in the last part of the prompt regarding school related experience or your interaction with Waterloo alumna. I look forward to reading your next version.

Having grown up with both parents as mechanical engineers, I was influenced by the "mechanical" side of things in our everyday life. Growing away from the influence of my parents though, I discovered that I still had an interest in Engineering, just the electrical side instead. My fascination with electrical engineering and its application in daily life led me to self-start my education in the field and eventually, I found myself where I am today, at the steps of your esteemed university, ready to join the forefront of electronically developed technologies.

Undergraduate / What really blew my mind was electricity. Waterloo "Engineering" essay [4]

Eiad, this is a pretty good start to your draft essay. However, it does not tell me enough about your response to the prompt yet. I know that there is more to your response than just the reference you made to your parents occupation. You just haven't gotten around to sharing it yet. So I can't make any comment more than "It's a good start". It would be best if your post your whole response to the prompt so that I can offer you a better and more thorough analysis of your response.

I will need to know what the university means by a "brief" response though. What is the maximum word count that the university set for this response? The best presentation of this response will depend upon that count. The editing considerations and relevant content will rely solely on the number of words you are allowed to use to express yourself. I hope you can post your complete draft next time around so that we can do a more thorough review of your work.

Scholarship / I was born in a beautiful, landlocked country - Botswana. SELF INTRODUCTION FOR THE KGSP [10]

If that is how the internship works in your country, then you have to explain that to the reviewer as that is not how internships are normally done. In most countries, the internship starts within the regular semester / school year during either your junior and / or senior year in college. Since this takes place after you graduate, it will very well take the place of a formal professional experience. Discuss the internship in greater detail so that you can be accurate enough in making the reviewer believe that you did regular work that is related to your college major. Highlight any accomplishments that you had as an intern which can help in strengthening the "work experience" on your part. I look forward to reading the revised and improved version of that paragraph soon.

Now that you have actually clarified that the internship is also considered professional experience in your country, I do not see anything else stopping you from finally setting aside this essay as a finished product. It will do the job that you need it to do. I hope that it is strong enough to support your application. While I am unsure about how the reviewer will accept the information about the internship also being professional experience, I hope it does the job for you. There will be other applicants with stronger, more intricate and truly "professional" work experience in the running or for admission consideration to the program. That is what worries me about the definition of your work experience. You the best that you can with your limited resources. Keep the faith that this letter will work to your benefit. Now, you just have to move on to working on the last 2 essays in this application..

Scholarship / Culture is something that I am really interested in. KGSP - Goal of study and Study plan [2]

Pinky, this is not a proper goal of study and study plan for your application. A properly developed goal of study / study plan incorporates the necessary elements of a college level thesis into this presentation. Therefore, you need to have a title for your project, an objective for it, a method for the investigation, plus an expected outcome. You must present the thesis statement for your goal of study based upon one of two things; a continuation of your college thesis as it relates to your advanced studies or, a new thesis statement based upon your professional needs. Either way, you need to create a more definitive goal and research process for your application. It cannot be as simple as you state in this essay. In fact, it is not a simple essay. It is a preliminary or exploratory research paper presentation.

While you may or may not follow through on the proposed goal of study for your research, it is important to show the reviewer that you are very serious about this line of study because you have given great thought to the research that you wish to do and how you hope to complete the research while a student in Korea. Use the formal thesis proposal presentation in this instance. Show your professional research skills off. Make sure you impress the reviewer with the content of your study plan.

Scholarship / A journey in reaching my future goal - Essay for Korean Scholarship [13]

Okay, the best thing that we can do is refer to your tutoring work as the motivating factor behind your desire to gain a masters degree. Let us pretend that you encountered teaching difficulties in your line of work because of some problems that the students have in understanding mathematical principles and equations. If you can relate that to your teaching abilities and your desire to become a more competent lecturer, based upon the learning problems you encountered, then the tutoring just might work to serve as a logical professional experience. Can you modify the sentence to indicate something along those lines? I'll review it and give suggestions on how to improve what you wrote then. It will just take a little longer than you expected but I believe that we will be able to cover up that professional shortcoming very soon. Don't lose faith. We'll do it together.

You were able to take my points for correction and apply it to this revised version. Good work. You were able to successfully transition the tutoring service that you had into a professional experience. However, instead of saying you have only been doing this for 6 months, make it one year instead. That is the minimum requirement for a masters degree student in terms of professional experience. The comment about the volunteer services at the end of the paragraph is not really well presented or developed. I suggest that you either develop that as separate professional experience (as part of your community service) since it will be acceptable as such, or you totally remove that sentence instead. I hope you can further develop it instead. Now, in the last paragraph, the last sentence should say "I am willing to do." I think that this set of revisions should make the essay ready for submission when you are done. I might need to review it one last time before I give it the green light.

Scholarship / KGSP 2017 - Letter of Self Introduction - One step closer to my dreams [5]

Definitely include the part regarding communications between you and your Korean counterpart. That falls directly into your desire to understand more about how Koreans do business and why it is done in a certain style. Remember, the prompt asks you to discuss your personal experience in relation to the KGSP. Having a Korean counterpart to deal with hits the the target squarely. The fact that you actually have to engage with a Korean in discharging your duties gives you a background in the professional world of Korean business, no matter how minute that exposure is. Try your best to highlight that part. It is one of the most notable aspects of your application and must be given the full presentation and appreciation it deserves in your application.

This is a very well developed essay. It's impressiveness comes from the fact that you were able to justify a Korean connection between you, your planned masters degree, and your work experience. Excellent work. However, when you begin to mention the cuisine, language, and music, you fall back on the most commonly referred to pop culture references for your desire to study in the country. The strength of your essay is in your business background and its Korean connection. So remove the commonplace references. Without the common references, the essay comes across as strong, well informed, and truly considered in terms of topic development. It becomes unique. Once you remove the pop culture reference, the essay will finally be ready for your use. There will be nothing left to correct or edit. I won't even have to approve the form anymore. Good work. You created a very impressive essay.

Scholarship / KGSP 2017 - Letter of Self Introduction - One step closer to my dreams [5]

Expand the discussion of how you participated in bringing the Korean cosmetics brand to the Philippines. What did your participation entail? You need to expand on that discussion because it directly relates to the reasons why you wish to study in Korea. That should serve as one of your highest motivating factors. The exposure that you got to dealing with the Korean company will be good in justifying the connection of your professional and business interests with its Korean counterparts.

It is already understood that the KGSP will allow you study in Korea. There is no need to state the obvious. Instead, merge the information about your desire to learn more about the Korean business practices with your reason for choosing to study in Korea. The essay will be more informative that way and also allow you to close the essay in a manner that best suits your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Food Production - is it important to know how our meal is produced? Or the taste only matters. [3]

Aziz, it seems that you somehow understood the prompt but failed to properly discuss the requirements. The paraphrasing of the prompt topic is nowhere near the original topic, you did not discuss the extent of the truth behind the statement, and your experiences and other evidence presented did not align with the topic for discussion at all. What is evident in your discussion is that you responded to a totally different prompt topic. It is almost as if you decided to write a discussion on a topic you wanted to present, based upon the prompt topic provided. That is not how you write these essays. You have to fully understand the topic and the discussion requirements before you start even drafting a response. If you feel you do not truly understand what to do, then ask questions or clarifications from those who might be better at understanding the prompt. That is how you get better at writing. Do not be afraid to ask questions when you need to. That is how you learn and improve your learning / writing style.

It is because of these problems that I sadly give you an overall score of 2 for this test. I am extremely sad because in the final paragraph of your essay, you actually showed that you understood some of the prompt requirements. It is just that you did not properly represent the discussion based upon the prompt instructions.Please do your best to understand and respond to the next practice test that you will be doing. I can sense your potential to write a proper essay. The evidence is felt in some instances in this essay. You just need to make sure that you do it properly next time.

Scholarship / 'I am a positive person' KGSP Application Letter of Self-Introduction: Assistance for Proofreading [6]

Kenneth, since your mother worked for an international NGO, that had a direct influence upon you, there is a need for you to mention the specific NGO that she worked for. The mention of the organization will help to further boost your foundation in this specific field and how, offer an insight as to how you learned about the critical need for this line of study or occupation in your home country. The same goes for your reference to your internship in a government agency. Name the agency, the work that you did there, and if you are still connected with the agency even though you are now working as a teacher. The information about the government agency is actually more impressive than your work as a teacher because the government agency actually provides practical applications of lessons you learned in college.

Once you apply the changes above to your essay, the information the letter will contain will now be better suited to the prompt requirements and will certainly allow for a better assessment of your qualifications as a masters candidate. I hope that your next version will be even more enhanced and allow for an even more impressive reading of your introduction.

Scholarship / Study Plan; KGSP 2017 - Masters in Art History; to learn the language and achieve a high TOPIK score [5]

Stella, write this study plan from the point of view that you have already passed the TOPIK and you have been admitted to the university as a regular masters degree student already. For the study plan, you have to concentrate on what the topic of your master thesis will be. The format for this presentation will be in the same form and content as your college thesis. Meaning, you will need the title of your research, its background, methodology, and expected outcomes. You must clearly show that you have a background in doing research.

So it is best if you decide on a topic that is somehow connected with your college thesis. That will also make it easier for you to do your own research. Since your bachelor's degree is in a different field, you will need to be extra convincing in this study plan to prove that you really have a desire to succeed in this particular career since you will be changing careers through the masters degree program.

The reviewer needs to be convinced that your desire for studying in Korea has a far more serious basis than what you just showed in your self introduction letter. The proposal that you write needs to assure the reviewer that you will be using the scholarship education to advance your personal career whether in Korea or your mother country, after graduation. So you will need to take the information that you wrote and break it down for the reviewer in a formal manner based upon the sections I have indicated.

Scholarship / A passionate young man that always want to help people. Self-introduction KGSP - biotechnology [14]

Hussaini, in the first part of your essay, spell out the word "four", there is no need to put the digit version in parenthesis. This is a very touching family background that shows a clear relationship with your point of view about life, the way that you developed as a person, and why you have driven yourself to success. The part of your essay related to that part of the prompt requirement is good enough. It can be used. It is the rest of the essay that needs adjustment.

In the professional background part, you need to further expand upon your job at the water plant. The section is too short and requires you to better develop the discussion behind your work there. You will need to describe your work title and the description of your duties in relation to your line of study or points of interest in your profession. This overview does not tell the reviewer if you are truly qualified for the course that you are applying for admission to.

Since you are applying to the scholarship via the university track, you will need to come up with more personal motivation and reasons for your desire to study in Korea. Don't just hit the reviewer with information gained from research. The reviewer knows about his country's university qualifications so don't be condescending. Look for the personal reasons that can convince the reviewer that you are the best bet for a scholarship. The whole last part of your essay pertaining to your reasons for applying to the scholarship needs to be revised based upon my suggestions above. Totally revise the content of paragraphs 5, 6 and 7 because those are the main problem points of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 : Wind Turbine placement and principle of operation (diagram) [3]

Aziz, I am not sure why you attached the black and white copy of the illustration. The one with the keywords to be used in the essay. Were you supposed to use the words? If you were, I certainly did not find any references to it in the essay. Please clarify why you posted the other diagram as well.

Your essay did not really deliver on all points of the prompt requirement. You were supposed to make comparisons where relevant within your summary presentation. This should have been done when you discussed the height and positioning of the wind turbine in comparison to the air and power generated at every level. Since you did not do that in this presentation, you would have lost a number of important points in the final scoring.

Try to work on improving your summary and conclusion paragraphs. These are extremely short and do not really deliver on the required information for these paragraphs. Both are supposed to offer a summary overview , in the case of the opening statement, and a wrap up for the provided discussion, in the concluding paragraph. Neither of which are seen in your essay. So I think the best score that you can get for this essay would be a 4 overall. That is due to the missing comparisons and improper length of the opening summary and concluding statement.

I understand that this is your very first posting here at EF. So I will not feel so bad if I were you. I have given you comments and advice that you can apply to your next and other succeeding task 1 essays. If you follow my advice, you should show improvement over the next few essays. I will make sure that you improve. I'll be here to help you every step of the way. Don't worry or feel frustrated. This is just your first try, there is plenty of room for improvement on your end.

Scholarship / KGSP - SELF INTRODUCTION (ASPIRING SCHOLAR IN KOREA) [2]

For your professional experience, there are number of changes that you have to make. For starters, you need to separate the two work experiences. That is because they fall under different work titles and as such, need to be expanded in relation to your interest in the masters degree individually. You must also mention the company that you worked for and the inclusive dates, plus your work description and how it applies to your interest in higher studies.

For your current work experience, you again, need to provide the name of the company, when you started, and how your current position at this company has pushed you to enroll in a masters degree course. If possible, relate your motivation for higher studies in Korea. What makes you think that graduating with a masters degree from a Korean university will help you in this line of work? So Korea has a fast growing business industry. How does that relate to your own profession? How will you benefit from your exposure to Korean education and the lifestyle as a student based in Korea?

We can start the corrections to your essay with these more important points. The minor points can be fixed later on. After we clean up your professional experience information.

Scholarship / Photography and computers were my fields of interest since my childhood. Self Introduction KGSP 2017 [19]

Why is that information in your study plan? Are you going to be doing additional research on the subject as a masters degree student? It's too bad that you are using that activity in your study plan. You could have used it in this essay to your greater benefit instead. Once you include a topic in your study plan, you can't repeat that information elsewhere as it will come across as a repetition and further highlight the lack of experience that you have. When are you supposed to submit your application? Is there a chance that you can delay it until you have had about a month or so of internship experience? That will definitely work as a professional experience if you include it in your essay after a reasonable period of time. If not, then you will have to work on highlighting the article submission instead. You can say that you submitted the article and that the research was based on your practical experience in the field. Explain the topic of the paper that you submitted. I'll help you make it sound professional experience if you have a hard time doing that. You have to write the information in the letter first though.

Writing Feedback / MY IELTS PRACTICE ESSAY ON THE "EXTINCTION" OF SEVERAL LANGUAGES [7]

Pham, what is the prompt that you are responding to? You are always instructed to provide the complete prompt topic and discussion requirements along with your essay posting. That is to help me better assess your work for compliance with the IELTS scoring guide. At the moment, I don't even know what topic you are supposed to be discussing because your title got cut off. While you present a pretty good discussion in the essay and offer some pretty convincing reasons for the topic that you are discussing, I am unsure as to whether or not you are properly addressing the prompt. I have to ask you to post the prompt as soon as you can so that I can offer you a more proper review of your work. Like I said, your essay is interesting to read and sounds informative. I just don't know if it is presenting the proper discussion and information as per the prompt requirements.

Letters / Coffee vs. Tea for the English - an attempt for summing-up the text into one sentence [6]

Ethan, for your reference I would just like to show you how I would have written this with 72 words composed of the information that I could remember and write within the allotted time:

Before domestic tea drinking became popular in the 18th century, the end of 17th century was represented by the rise of the coffee house where for a penny, coffee was served in a bowl instead of a cup and like minded coffee drinkers conversed in the presence of the earliest form of a barista, the young woman who kept the conversations peaceful and civilized among men who read free newspapers and journals.

Do your best to take as many notes as possible when you read and scan the article make sure that you get as much information as you can that is relevant to the discussion. Leave time for you to refer back to the original article if you can after you have done your draft writing. You might still have enough time to add information before you need to proofread and submit the single sentence.

Scholarship / Photography and computers were my fields of interest since my childhood. Self Introduction KGSP 2017 [19]

In the first paragraph, change the words "self - dependent and hard working person" to " independent and resilient person". That second description is more professional sounding and contains the more appropriate description of your character traits. Remove the reference to your childhood hobbies and your cousin. That is irrelevant to the overall requirements of the essay. Childhood fantasies and abilities do not matter in a masters degree application.

In the second paragraph, you have to mention if your research was published in the magazine plus the issue date and volume number if possible. This is something that you should try to highlight because you lack work experience. Discuss more about this article in relation to the motivation that you developed for studying in Korea if possible.

My worry is that you are not going to be able to impress the reviewer because of the lack of your work experience. Have you done any relevant internships or freelance work since you graduated or during your time as a student? I am trying to help you find some sort of replacement for professional work experience, which is one of the major factors for consideration in this essay. You need to strengthen that very weak point somehow. Try to find something that you can use for it and let me know about it. I'll see if there is something we can do about using it in the essay.

Writing Feedback / INFORMATION ABOUT COMMUTING PATTERN IN HOUSTON, TEXAS AND CO2 EMMISSIONS [3]

Ainun, please remember that in the overview summary, you are not allowed to present factual data that exists in any of the illustrations. Instead, you are supposed to mention those only as general parts of the overview statement. The specific information, such as you have currently stated in your summary, must be included within the appropriate body paragraph instead. You must also present a minimum of 3 sentences there. Simply dividing the information presented in the paragraph into shorter sentences would have easily met this requirement and showed a better understanding of the paraphrased prompt requirement.

Regardless of the problem with the summary statement, the work that you did on the rest of the paragraphs can be summed up in one word. Admirable. You have done a pretty good job of representing all of the information provided in the table and bar chart. While the grammar could be better and an in-depth analysis could have been better provided, you did well enough on this essay to possible score a 5 overall in an actual test.

Letters / Coffee vs. Tea for the English - an attempt for summing-up the text into one sentence [6]

Ethan, There are times when you will need to be selective of the information that you provide in the single sentence. You cannot fit all of the information into one sentence. So the best thing that you can do is try to get the most easy to remember and informative data from the original presentation for your summary. When an article has this much information in it, you can bet that the exam takers will have different ways of presenting the sentence. There is no right or wrong way of presenting the sentence provided it remains informative and contains some, if not most of the presented data in the original article. However, you will be scored based upon the amount of relevant text that you can include in the single sentence. For this single sentence composition, I believe that your content would score 1, form would be 1 as well, grammar 1, vocabulary 2. Not a bad job if you ask me.

Writing Feedback / The ways used to dispose of the harmful garbage in Korea, Sweden and United Kingdom [3]

To, you don't need to upload the prompt. You can provide that in the text box. What we really need you to upload is the image. I really cannot understand what it is that you are doing wrong. The uploading instruction for the image is so simple that anybody can do it. It is necessary for you to ask for help from the moderators about your problem. I need the clear image, not the prompt. How can I make you remember ,"POST THE PROMPT, UPLOAD THE IMAGE". It isn't difficult to do.

Your summary overview is still incomplete. You only have 2 sentences in a paragraph that requires at least 3 sentences in order to present a valid overview. The summary should have been a complete paraphrasing of the instructions in the prompt. You did not provide that so you will lose points for that.

Your second paragraph is so incomplete that you only have 2 paragraphs in it. Again, please try to remember the simple and hard rule of academic essay writing, "3 sentences minimum, 5 sentences maximum per paragraph. You lose points for having only 2 sentences.That is an under developed and not very informative sentence."

You did well in the development of the last 2 paragraphs. However, the information should have been spread out within the 3 body paragraphs instead of being concentrated in only 2 developed paragraphs.

The score for this essay? I think you can somehow manage to score a 5 because you at least provided a mechanical representation of the information and showed an understanding of the prompt. The language is not advanced and is pretty basic but gets your message across without causing undue stress on the reader. So overall, this is an acceptable, though flawed piece of writing. There is some improvement to your work but you are far from showing remarkable improvement at this point. Maybe your next essay will show that already. You are getting better at it in a slow but sure manner.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The main features of Global Water Usage in Brazil and Congo [2]

Nuradia, the summary overview of the essay is not presented at all. The opening statement should have first indicated the kinds of illustration provided, what each illustration would be discussing, and how the two charts are related. Without that summary information, even though you wrote more than 150 words, your task accuracy score would be extremely affected.

While the separated discussion of the charts worked well for the essay in terms of the paragraph presentation, the fact that you were not able to merge a paragraph topic presentation for the charts in a fourth and final paragraph leaves the essay less than completely presented and discussed. It proves that aside from the clearly available information in the charts, there was no attempt on your part to analyze the illustrations farther than what you could visibly see. You did not try to study the chart for extra information to be presented in the summary essay. The presentation of analyzed information, based upon the present information would have raised the score consideration for your essay.

Based upon the problems that I enumerated, I am very sad to say that the essay cannot gain more than a score of 4 overall.

Writing Feedback / I would argue that dwelling in small village had several merits and demerits. [5]

An effective thesis statement is one that paraphrases the prompt while delivering a personal understanding on your part of the required discussion points of the essay. These are normally presented within 3-5 sentences but do not include any factual information that you will be discussing in the body of the essay. An example of this properly developed prompt would be as follows:

Up till recently, it was pretty common for people to live in small villages where everyone is familiar with one another. These days though, people have taken to living in large cities where they rarely know their neighbors. Based upon the new living ideology, certain advantages and disadvantages have resulted from living in a small community. In this essay, I will be presenting information that will help to determine the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community based upon my personal knowledge and experience.

If this were an opinion essay, the fifth sentence would have contained a presentation of my opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the grievance note about the noise from your flat [3]

Jaya, when you address your neighbor, you will have to be gender specific because you are using the last name of the person. The gender specific salutation is either "Dear Mr. Smith", "Dear Mrs. Smith" or "Dear Ms. Smith" for a single woman. Do not just say "Dear Smith" because that is disrespectful to your neighbor. If possible, include the first name of the neighbor in the letter. The rest of the your letter has a more respectful tone and accurately explains what happened along with an assurance that it will not happen again.

The opening statement of your letter is a bit unclear. You practically just cut and paste the prompt requirement to a certain degree, before you confusingly used the term " an apology for the inconvenience caused for the last one week." The correct presentation should have been " an apology for the noise that caused you inconvenience last week."

The closing statement of the letter should have been friendlier by closing with an invitation to meet the neighbor to see your baby or just an invitation to visit in general. That makes the situation light and allows the neighbor to see that you are truly apologetic for what happened.

This is a good attempt at writing a letter. You have shown some improvement since the first letter that you wrote. I am confident that you will continue to improve based upon the way that you showed changes in your writing style in this letter. However, the score for this essay cannot be higher than a 5 due to the existing problems in the development of the letter.

Scholarship / I was born in a beautiful, landlocked country - Botswana. SELF INTRODUCTION FOR THE KGSP [10]

If you review the comments that I made, I made it clear that there were parts of your essay that worked and those that did not. However, I did not advise you to remove those parts because they serve a purpose in the discussion. I asked you to improve upon those portions based upon the suggestions I offered. The content of your essay is good. It is the presentation that needs improvement and additional detailing. You only need to develop the content or message of the paragraphs a little bit more in order to make it stronger and able to support your application. If you want me to be very specific though, and you really want to remove certain content, then you can refer to the list of topics that I believe you can remove below:

1. The Karate references
2. The education that starts at the age of 5. Focus on college and your work experience if possible.
3. The final paragraph.

The essay really has the potential to be good for your application. There are a few topics that should be removed as per the list above. However, the essay requires more discussion instead of deletion. So concentrate on strengthening the points that I presented in thread # 2 as best as you can.

Scholarship / Photography and computers were my fields of interest since my childhood. Self Introduction KGSP 2017 [19]

Abid, we need to focus on the first half of the letter that focuses on your academic background. The reviewer is not interested in your 4th grade abilities. What he wants to know is about your formal training in college. It sounds like you attended college right? I believe that you presented it in the second paragraph. Therefore, you need to work on the first part of the essay for now. Focus on developing the backstory of your family that deals with your family dynamic. Introduce your parents and how they supported your education. How did they inspire your ideas for your college degree? Did you gain any words of wisdom from them that have guided you through your life? Basically, you need to provide an insight in the first paragraph that represents, as per the prompt requirements:

-Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc

After you improve the first paragraph, you also need to pay particular attention to expanding your work experience paragraph. It is severely lacking in information and does not really show the reviewer any actual reason that requires you to consider studying in Korea. In as much as you have student experience in the field, what the reviewer needs from you is the professional application of what you studied in college. That is because the work experience will help to justify the necessity of your intention to study in Korea and also help support your skills as a contender for the grant. Aside from being a good student, you need to be an excellent professional as well.

Undergraduate / Define the highlights of your most crucial accomplishments or tasks inputs. [4]

As I mentioned in my previous response, your contribution should be something that has a personal meaning to you. The academic achievement needs to reflect a unique aspect of your personality as a student. Even a simple talent on your part can help to respond well to this essay. You just have to make sure that you portray a side of your personality that was not presented in your previous prompt requirements. Do you have any special recognition that came from your school? If you have an award, an honor, or an achievement that the school recognized you for, then discuss that in the essay. If you don't have any then think about your extra curricular activities, do you have any accomplishment there that can be discussed? For example, were you personally, able to achieve some sort of objective in the organization? Specifically, were there any projects that you took the lead on that resulted in a positive result for the organization? If so, then use that in the essay. There are many options for you to present, the only requirement is that you either led the group or you did this on your own. Otherwise, the shared experience does not help your application because you did not run point on any of the accomplishments.

Writing Feedback / Marriage in early adulthood [3]

Ngoc, what exam are you writing this for? Please provide the name of the exam and the complete prompt for this essay so that I can judge the type of response that you gave for relevance. In terms of this current work, even without knowing the actual prompt, I can tell that this is badly written and rushed in development. The evidence of the rushed development can be found in the inaccurate format that you used and lack of properly developed reasoning in the second paragraph. The paragraphs must be divided by topic discussion and also, the essay requires a properly developed conclusion at the end. Right now, this essay sounds like it was written when you did not have the time to write a practice test. Please don't do that. Take the time to write a proper essay, within expected prompt parameters. It is difficult to actually give your essay a score due to the lack of exam identification and prompt instructions. I will be able to offer you points for improvement once I know about the currently missing requirements.

Undergraduate / Define the highlights of your most crucial accomplishments or tasks inputs. [4]

Trouvaille, the approach to the response that you have taken is good, but does not really work to your benefit. The lack of influence upon your application comes from the fact that the contribution you decided to speak of is one that belongs to a group activity instead of a personal contribution or accomplishment. The reason that this has to be a personal act is because your nature as a person is being called into question. The reviewer wants to know the kind of person you are in terms of being considerate of others and how civic minded you are. Are you the kind of person who is civic minded and aware of his surroundings? How do you deal with the world around you? Academically speaking, are you someone who is focused on achieving the best results from your studies regardless of the cost? What kind of person are you when it comes to your ability to do notable things in your life? Are you proud of these personal achievements or are you a simple person who does not see it as a personal achievement but rather a contribution towards the betterment of a cause? These are some guide questions that can aid you in presenting a more relevant and impressive response to the prompt requirement.

Essays / Current research of your interest and a professor-mentor. [2]

Nic, the first thing that you have to know about a study plan is that is has to be composed of a beginning, middle, and end. In terms more related to a masters degree, you need to have a thesis statement accompanied by a hypothetical result, a plan of research, and the actual result of your study in relation to your thesis question. Therefore, you will need to coordinate with as many advisers, not necessarily mentors, that you can.

Since you found 3 people whose work might be better improved by the inclusion of your work or vice versa, you should present a study plan that calls for consultations with all 3, while choosing only one as your mentor for the thesis program. While it is not sure that you will be able to get this particular professor as your mentor, it is important to show the reviewer that you have the desire to improve, not only your own research, but the research of your host country as well.

A collaborative effort on the part of your study plan works right in with the post study / career goals plan of the KGSP because there is a possibility that you can continue the research into different fields after graduation, as an employee at a connected or relevant institution in Korea.

Just ignore the post in the previous thread. The mods will delete it when they get a chance. No worries there. It will just be ignored by everyone at this point.

Essays / Civil service in Korea. KGSP Self Introduction Content [20]

This is a good paragraph. It has a sneak peek into how you developed your point of view about life and the kind of influence that your parents had upon you. It would be better if you could enhance the paragraph by offering a more detailed discussion of how your parents inspiration helped you to see the world in a specific manner (point of view about life). In addition, try to expand upon your discussion regarding your hopes, dreams, and wishes for your future. Perhaps they have influenced you far more than you realize and it would be great if you could share that personal background with the reviewer. This is the first impression regarding your character so you should make sure that it creates the best impression of you, your family, and your collective background from the very start.

Writing Feedback / [REFERENCES LETTER] She has demonstrated an exceptional ability to grasp the rigorous demands of job [7]

Sehat, keep the continued balance in your referral letters. Always present one professional and one extra curricular / socio-civic recommendation. That way you present your well rounded personality to the reviewer and allow him to see how you function both in and out of the office, in differing scenarios. If possible, highlight the international communities that you work with and how you handled the projects with them so you can prove that you have what it takes to survive studying abroad. The main concern of the letter is how well you will be able to handle yourself once you are left to your own devices in a foreign land. That is why they want to know about those 4 aspects of your character traits. If possible, use only one, big, and impressive project to relay all of the required information that can be most impressive to the reviewer.

Graduate / Emerging care system market for the elderly in Taiwan. SOP for Actuarial Science in the USA [3]

Robin, you have too much going on in your first paragraph. There is so much information piled into that single presentation that these all come across as disconnected. There is no real progression involved in the presentation, which was supposed to show the purpose behind your desire to study Actuarial Science in the USA. There is a sudden jump from your presentation about the lack of long term care in your country to the insurance shortcomings. It would be best if you revised that opening statement to focus on the problems of long term care in relation to insurance coverage. That will make it easier for you to slowly introduce the purpose of your desire to study abroad.

You can shorten that paragraph by actually refocusing the statement and offering only a clear explanation as to the problems your current industry faces in term of long term healthcare for the elderly. As for your work experience, it would be best if you can offer an insight into your background in the insurance industry. You seem to not have a related work experience for that. If you are practicing a different occupation, you must explain why that is so and how you plan to relate your current work experience with your desire to become an actuarial scientist. Otherwise, your work experience is not relevant to the statement of purpose and cannot support your application.

It is not just enough to have work experience. It has to be related work experience. Are you applying through a university track? If so, it is important that you actually mention the university you wish to attend and explain how your interests relate to the university offerings and programs in Actuarial Science.

Based upon the suggested revisions, I believe you have your work cut out for you. Not to worry though. Once you get started on the changes, you will discover how easy it is to revise because you have the supporting information to do so.

Writing Feedback / [REFERENCES LETTER] She has demonstrated an exceptional ability to grasp the rigorous demands of job [7]

How can you tell me that your manager was the one who wrote this letter when you clearly said in your posting that:


To say that you were asked to draft a letter means that you wrote the original content. So you cannot make conflicting claims regarding who wrote the letter. Regardless, the letter is too self serving in this original form. Like I said, it is an extension of your resume and does not sound like someone other than you wrote it. It can still be fixed though. Now, in response to your other questions...

2. The correct term is referrer, not referee. A referee is an official who watches a game or match closely to ensure that the rules are adhered to and (in some sports) to arbitrate on matters arising from the play. Please make sure to use the correct term from now on. Yes, you can use the leader from your socio-civic environment for this letter, provided it is for a different application. However, a more recent professional reference would be best because that will tie in with your professional / academic development in reference to the masters degree you wish to pursue.

3. Review the prompt requirements. In number 4, you are asked to briefly discuss a series of character traits. That is the part of the essay that you can shorten. Try to combine all of the traits into one description in one paragraph. Do not outline all of your duties and responsibilities over a series of paragraphs. Just summarize the necessary information based upon the brief summary required.

4. Sorry about that. It was an auto correct that I neglected to proof read. I meant "professional" descriptions that are understood by only the people in your country because it is a term native to your language.

Writing Feedback / [REFERENCES LETTER] She has demonstrated an exceptional ability to grasp the rigorous demands of job [7]

Sehat, in as much as this is a worthy letter of recommendation, it has been to long since you last worked with this person on a personal basis. An effective recommendation letter comes from a person whom you still currently work with but have had a long standing professional relationship with. There is a reason why the length of time that the person has known you professionally is significant. It has to do with the fact that the person recommending you needs to be able to vouch for your most current abilities as a professional. The person who is recommending you cannot be a mere friend you meet from time to time. The gap in time since you last worked together is too long for the person to actively know your current professional abilities. The most effective form of this letter should be from someone whose last professional interaction with you was in 2016. Your current supervisor or team leader would be the best person to get the recommendation from. That is because such a person can refer to the most recent projects you worked on in relation to the information you provided in your self introduction and other papers. This recommendation is also a validation of the information you submitted as your professional qualifications.

The main problem with this letter is that you write the recommendation letter which is why it doesn't respond directly to the instructions provided. It is very self serving and, even without your feeling me that you write this for someone, I could tell that you personally wrote it. This is a glorified personal statement and extension of your resume. It is not a properly formatted, nor guide question responsive recommendation.

You have to write this letter in a more responsive and deliberate manner. Short-term the letter, remove the personal choice from the information and focus on simply offering direct response to the requirement with only the most impressive recommendation points presented. More importantly, try not to use poison descriptions that only those from your country are familiar with. Use the English equivalent whenever you can or explain what the position description is all about.

Scholarship / I was born in a beautiful, landlocked country - Botswana. SELF INTRODUCTION FOR THE KGSP [10]

Tshireletso, there are certain parts of this essay that work well in relation to the self introduction letter requirements and there are some areas that don't. The course of life portion is acceptable but doesn't really offer an insight into the kind of family that you came from. The family history is part of the "background" portion of the essay which helps to determine the kind of character that you have and what kind of hopes and wishes you may have in relation to your point of view about life. While Karate may have helped you build your character, the sport is not a required element of the prompt. Focus instead on the requirement related to your family background in relation to your development as a person.

There is no need to start your academic history from the very start of your academic life. It is enough for you to summarize any high school information that led to your college degree. When you get to discussing your college degree, you will need to be more specific. Talk about the course, what inspired you to study it, any awards you received as a student and how it inspired you to work in your current field.

Speaking of your current field, you do not seem to have any specific professional background written in. Why is that? You need to have a proper professional background that you can relate as a motivation for your desire to study in Korea. Without it, your scholarship application might not be able to compete with the other, better qualified applicants. While your internships can be presented in its place, internships are not really considered part of your professional career because that is done during your college student days and as such, do not reflect any real leadership, responsibility, or professional requirement for advancement as would be required by a person engaged in a career or profession.

While I can see that you have a motivation and reason for studying in Korea, I do not believe it is strong enough at this point. I believe that you will need to revise that portion as well but first, you need to create a stronger foundation for it. Once we establish the earlier portions properly, we should be able to come up with a stronger motivation and reason for your desire to become a KGSP scholar. At this point, it will be extremely difficult to do.

Scholarship / Photography and computers were my fields of interest since my childhood. Self Introduction KGSP 2017 [19]

When you discuss your education, you have to give a summary of your academic accomplishments and recognition which the scholarship committee should take note of. This includes any possible exchange student participation or semester abroad that you may have spent in Korea, academic activities that exposed you to the Korean culture or allowed you interact with Koreans on some level, if you have taken the TOPIK exam previously and passed it, then you should mention such information in your self introduction. Along with those, you should include an explanation as to why you feel that there is a connection between your current profession and the master studies course that you wish to pursue in Korea. Whenever possible, you should try to connect your academic and professional experiences with your desire to study in Korea. If the company that you work for has a direct partnership with Korea, or has Korean investors, such information will also be helpful to your application.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart indicates the figure of time spent in billions of minutes by UK people on phone calls [8]

Don't bother creating another thread. since you already posted the essay here. Just include the image in your next post in this thread for the benefit of the others who may want to help you improve your work.You get suspended for violations like not giving good advice (useless comments), plagiarism, not using a creative title for your post, advertising, and creating multiple accounts. Those are just a few of the violations that often result in suspension of accounts. So if you post your essay and include the image, which in this case, did not want to enlarge, I don't see why having borrowed it from another thread would be considered a violation. To make sure though, you can ask the admin of the forum if that is a violation. That is something only they can be sure about. Just make sure that next time, you upload an image that came directly from you. As long as we can enlarge it, you will be fine. There will be a problem if you post your essay without the image included. Don't ask the students and contributors here to access outside links either. That is something that the admin does not advise for computer safety reasons.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart indicates the figure of time spent in billions of minutes by UK people on phone calls [8]

To, I think you have to seek the help of our moderators and administrators regarding your account. It seems to have too many problems or you just don't fully understand how to do things. Send them an email. They are very helpful people who will be very eager to help you fix your problems with using the forum post box. As for the comments that I have for your work, refer to the post that I made before this response. That is thread number 2. All of my comments and observations about your work are located in that thread. Read it, understand it, and apply it to your next essay. You had some very serious problems with this particular essay that I hope you take note of. Let me reiterate the need for you to contact our admin so that you can properly use the forum. If you continue to disobey the rules, you will be suspended and nobody can help you then.

Essays / Civil service in Korea. KGSP Self Introduction Content [20]

You got confused at this part of the essay ; "Hence, having Korean investors in my country means a better understanding as to how and why they do businesses here in the Philippines..." The correct statement would be "Hence, I require advanced information as to How Koreans do business and why they are heavily investing in the Philippines. Seeking my masters degree in (subject) will help me to gain a local understanding of the Korean business ideology and help me develop my skills pertaining to doing business with Koreans..." Aside from that correction, the rest of the paragraph works well. Also, don't say you are applying for the scholarship. Instead, explain why the scholarship works well with your vision for your business future and how this opportunity can help you become a better businessman once you return to your home country.