Undergraduate / Baseball and my grandfather matters to me. [3]

Antonio, this essay is confusing in content. Which is it that matters most to you? Your grandfather, the time spent with your grandfather, or the baseball play? When you are asked to discuss what matters to you, the essay is premised on the fact that there is something in your life that you treasure dearly. Rather than focusing baseball and the time you spent with your grandfather watching it, you can opt to rather say that what you value the most is the time you spent with your grandfather. That way, you can integrate your final paragraph into the overall sense of the essay. At the moment, that paragraph carries importance in the narrative, but is presented in an irrelevant manner so it does not merge well with the earlier paragraphs. In order to keep that paragraph relevant, you will need to revise the first few paragraphs of your essay to slowly introduce that statement.

Undergraduate / Aspiring to Help Others as the way to achieve success - Essay A [4]

Marissa, I am really not sure which prompt this essay is responding to. What do you mean by Essay A? It would really help everyone here if you could provide a copy of the complete prompt. That way we can stop thinking of the essay that you wrote as an imperfect and confusing personal essay. I think that you are trying to discuss an obstacle that you had to overcome. Am I right? If I am, then say so so that we can put our heads together here and help you better develop your response for the prompt. If I am nowhere near the right topic, then please, point us all in the right direction. As of now, the narrative is too general in focus. It could discuss a few different things at this point. Like i said, it feels like a personal statement, but also gives the vibe of an overcoming the obstacle essay. Perhaps if you can decide which of the two prompt topics you really want to write about, we will be able to help you better.

Undergraduate / New environment, educational system and fresh attitude. Why The New School? - International student [5]

Inmaculada, the way I read your essay, you come across as an aimless and disinterested person when it comes to your education. That is why you chose to apply at this student created curriculum university. So, rather than seeming so aimless and without a clue in terms of your future, talk about a unique future for yourself that will combine the best classes at The New School. Make the reviewer understand that you are not without a direction or a so called "professional college student" who just keeps taking seminars because she can't figure out what she really wants to do in her life. Try to at least develop a related direction for the classes you are to create for yourself. That means, you have to pick the major that you are most attracted to and develop a sense of how you will become a unique graduate of the school based upon the classes you are interested in enrolling in . One more thing. I might be best if you write this essay in your mother tongue then use an online translator to convert it to English. That should help make your essay more grammar adherent when it comes to the presentation of the discussion.

Scholarship / I feel pride in the fact that my job is to save the planet earth [3]

Saim since you completed a degree in Business Administration, there is no clear connection between the environmental studies that you wish to pursue and your profession. As a reviewer for this scholarship foundation, I will not be confident in the knowledge that you do not have any environmental background in terms of academic preparation. So, it would be best if you omit mentioning your college degree for the time being. Instead, focus your discussion on your work with the WWF and other environmental programs that you can mention as part of your proper qualifications.

Next, there is no set time frame for your completion of this course as indicated in your instructions. The best way to discuss the time frame would be to present your environmental ideas in relation to the education you hope to receive and then explain the number of years required to complete the academic training as per the university guidelines.

Scholarship / The link between my desire for contributions and my current career [4]

A creative title would be something along the lines of "I'm a Philanthropic Accountant" or "I'm an Accountant, What Would I Learn from Philanthropy?" Make it exciting and eye catching. After you come up with an interesting title, you can post the full prompt, in its original form in the box, before you post the actual essay.

Do not offer information that is not being asked for in the essay. In this instance, your plans for after you graduate are irrelevant to the discussion of your course and university choices. So do not include your after study plans. The reviewer's tend to frown upon the students who try to present discussions that are not required just because the student feels it is important. By doing that, you will prove to the reviewer that you either do not know how to follow instructions or, you just tend to ignore specific orders. In which case, that will end up being a negative mark on your application.

Neither of the stories that you mention about your activities with the children apply. Why are you focused on future contributions discussions in this essay? Read the prompt again, those are not required information at this point. Just discuss how you developed the interest in Philanthropy and the universities you have chosen to apply to.

When you discuss how you developed this interest, you need to focus on the influences that led you to this point. The definition of Philanthropy is "the desire to promote the welfare of others, expressed especially by the generous donation of money to good causes." or, "an act or gift done or made for humanitarian purposes". So the discussion about how you chose this course should involve the kind of financial contribution that you made for the welfare of the community. Neither of your examples do that.

Instead, you should be discussing how Accounting led you to the desire to become a Philanthropist. What was it about your accounting career that led you to believe that you should change career paths from Accounting to Philanthropy? Develop the explanation as to how this could have happened because the connection between the two lines of study are not quite clear in your essay.

I believe that you are trying to get advice for a different essay at this point. Please don't try to do that. Don't try to work the system. You will get suspended if you continue to do this. Stick to only the required elements of the original essay that you posted. If you cannot do that then I will no longer offer you my help and advice. As a contributor here, I cannot and will not violate the terms of use of the forum.

Scholarship / The link between my desire for contributions and my current career [4]

Shierley, you will need to learn how to develop original and interesting essay titles for your succeeding essays otherwise you will risk being suspended from the forum. You violated the rules of the forum when you used the full prompt for the title instead of developing a creative title for it. Consider this a friendly warning from a contributor. Don't wait for the admin to warn you. They have the ability to suspend you after warnings are given and you do not change the way that you participate in the forum.

In addition to that, do not post new essays in this thread. This thread is dedicated only to the first essay that you posted. You will need to start a new thread for each essay that you want reviewed. If you add a new essay to this thread, the admin will immediately delete it and issue a warning. That could come with a suspension also eventually. Follow the rules strictly. Only one essay per thread.

It is not wise to start your essay from "elementary school". The essays that start at that point of education are often taken with a sense of disbelief by the reviewer because "elementary school" is not capable of opening the eyes of a student or a person in the manner that you represent in the essay. From the way that I read your work, it would be best if you indicate that your interest in Philanthropy started in college or with the online course instead. More importantly, you should offer an example of your personal participation in Philanthropy if you want to create a solid foundation for your decision to enroll in this proposed course. You cannot just tell the reviewer about information. You have to show him relevant examples in order to convince him to believe what you are saying.

When you discuss your 2 university choices, you need to discuss each university in a specific and separate paragraph. You cannot make a convincing plea for your case if you are telling the scholarship reviewer that the universities do not have any differences. There has to be a priority 1 and priority 2 university in this case. With each difference or highlight of the university course offering being used as the reason for your ranking them in that order.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

You can definitely keep the last paragraph in its original form Marcus. It is actually a very good discussion to close the essay on because your information and ideas are combined to come full circle in support of the discussion. The changes that I suggested are actually going to help to further strengthen this discussion and allow you to better represent the adult transition to the reviewer. The major edits of your essay belong in the first half. That is the part that I am telling you to combine or edit in order to help with your word count or focus the content of the essay in the best manner possible. I believe that the changes, once applied, should result in an essay that will be ready for you to use. Please try to apply the changes as soon as you can for final review. I'll be on stand by in anticipation of your revised essay.

Undergraduate / Innovation and Seeking the Truth [7]

Tan, the essay is not asking you to deliver a response in relation to your academic beliefs. That is the wrong idea. The essay would like to focus on a discussion regarding the strength of your character based upon your beliefs as it applies in your daily life. The examples you provide in your essay are really too academic in nature and ceases to represent your personality and beliefs in social aspects. Try to revise the essay to better represent your common or social beliefs. Read up on the mission, vision, and objectives of NTU and do your best to relate your beliefs to that of the university. That way, you allow yourself to develop your actual personality instead of an academic image. The reviewer wants to get to know you as a person rather than as a student because your beliefs will be integrated into the social realm of the student community of the university once you are admitted.

Undergraduate / Questions about UBC Personal Profile - admission essay [2]

Hi Nancy, I know that you are new to the forum so you probably aren't that familiar with the rules here yet. We have a one essay per thread ruling and the admin deletes all successive essays located in a single thread. So, in an effort to help you, I will give you advice on the topmost essay in your thread. That is considered the first essay. You need to start new and separate threads for your other essays before we can help you with those.

Rather than telling the reviewer that you began to research studying abroad opportunities in Grade 11, you should instead, show him how you prepared for your first IELTS test. That is so that when he finds out that you failed 2 portions of the test, the background or reasons that you failed in those portions will be clear to him. That information is more important than why you decided to take the test. What is important, is that you took the test, you failed, and then you prepared again and this time, you succeeded in your task. So the rest of the essay has a good presentation for the last part of your essay. You just need to revise the start so that it will be more interesting and informative to read.

Scholarship / "I have to go for it" - Letter of Self-Introduction KGSP - Masters Degree in Korea [3]

Ingrid, in order to create a proper letter of introduction for such a specific scholarship grant, you will need to make a lot of adjustments to the content of your letter. First of all, you have to understand that you are not being asked to provide a bio data in this letter. The information you currently have provided can be learned by the reviewer through the documents that you will be providing. This letter, is meant to help you focus on introducing how your interest in the Korean culture and language developed. I don't get a particularly relevant discussion of that in this letter. Before you tell the reviewer why you feel you will be a good student in Korea, you first have to convince him that you have the proper background and interest in the Korean lifestyle that will help you succeed once you begin studying in the country.

Undergraduate / -YALE- FOOTPRINT ON MY CHINESE HARDSHIPS [4]

Kelly, first up, the opening paragraph of the essay focuses on someone other than you. Therefore, the essay does not open on the correct note. All references to any action in the essay must link back to you and highlight your actions. You cannot focus the essay on someone else and then try to call attention to yourself within the later parts. That is one of the reasons why your essay is over the word count. You should instead, be focusing on introducing yourself as a member of the Chinese club in your school, that is the community you belong to. Tell the story of how the club came to be. Only then should you introduce the footprint that you left by discussing the student whom your organization helped. You will need to adjust the closing statement though. No dialogue for the student that you helped is allowed in this essay. However, you can say that your group continues to help the student to this day.

Undergraduate / A step to be greater and more meaningful than the previous one - my transition to maturity [4]

Yes, I believe that this essay is reflective enough to catch the interest of the reviewer. That is because your story is unique. It comes full circle in discussing what you went through upon leaving your home country and the kind of obstacles that you had to overcome in order to come to the point where you are in your life now. If anything, I feel like the essay is a bit too long. So I am worried about your maximum word count. Didn't you go over the limit in this instance? You might want to consider shortening the essay a bit so that the reviewer will be able to scan the more important information faster. Try to avoid giving the reader single sentences that are only meant to connect to the next paragraph. Try to make your transitions fluid from one transition to the next so that you do now waste word count and cut the reader's concentration. The essay only needs a little adjustment in terms of format and content before it can be ready to use.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Hi Marcus, I hope you won't mind if I jump in here with some suggestions about how you can better align the prompt to the requirement of the transition story. I am sure TJ can add something to my suggestions as well. For starters, you combine your first and second paragraphs so that your essay will have more of a word allowance to better highlight the transition to adulthood portion. If you can explain why your parents were worried about allowing you to move to the sports school, that would help show the child in you prior to the transition. Then, when you start discussing your transition, make sure to tell the reviewer what kind of responsibilities you were given at the school which led to the change in your mindset and a more responsible attitude. The transition should be more than just about wanting to become the best in your sport so you can win in competitions. It should show how you were able to prove that your parents fears were unwarranted as well. Make sure to place an acknowledgement statement from your parents about the changes that happened to you that led them to believe that you have matured to the point of adulthood already. That should be at least a one sentence or one paragraph long presentation depending upon how many words you have to work with in the essay.

Undergraduate / Computer screens give me energy: NYU Application [4]

If you still have time to use the edit button on your essay, then go into the Edit section and delete the 2nd essay. If you can't because time already ran out then leave it for the admin to delete. As for your query about the possible prompt you can use the essay that you wrote for, the answer is no. You can't use that essay for that prompt either.

You see, all of the essay prompts are designed to show the reviewer a sense of responsibility, character growth, logical discussion, or ability to handle adult type situations. That is because these are similar challenges that you will face as a college student. So the reviewer has to know that you have the qualifications to handle the scenarios on your own should you be admitted to their college.

The story that you relate and the solutions that you presented all portray juvenile irresponsibility and lack of adult mindset. That means, you responded to the situation like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It shows that your mindset is childlike and you lack the intellectual maturity to handle serious problems, situations, and challenges that will come your way in college.

In order to properly answer this essay, you need to show a sense of maturity, a respectful and academic language in your writing, and a relevant life experience that will show the reviewer the side of you that is prepared to attend college. The essay you wrote doesn't work because the prompt is not responded to correctly. You have to write a relevant essay response. This is one essay that cannot be made to fit the prompt because of the immaturity of the writing style and projected intellect.

Undergraduate / Computer screens give me energy: NYU Application [4]

Gracielle, we have a one essay per thread policy here. Kindly delete the second essay before the admin does it for you. Start another thread on the forum, dedicated only to your second essay. In the meantime, I will respond to the first essay that is posted above.

The essay that you wrote definitely does not respond to the prompt. There is no failure here nor story of success. What you are discussing is something that does not fit into any of the common app prompt requirements actually. So I can't even tell you to just change the prompt. What you wrote about is an accident and how you responded to it. That is all.

When you respond to this prompt, you need an actual failure. For example, failing to perform a task properly, failure to pass a test, failure to satisfy your parents expectations, etc. These events or actions all result in a lesson learned from that failure which could result in not only a lesson learned for you, but also an opportunity to bounce back from it. With that explanation still fresh for you, let me advice you to do the only logical thing to do in this case, write a new essay. One that better responds to the prompt.

Graduate / Cryptography and Encryption/Decryption techniques intrigued me [3]

Pranshu, if you want the reviewer to take your essay seriously and also give proper consideration to your academic interests and professional training, you should remove the reference to the television program Bones in your essay. One of the main reasons that reviewers laugh at applicants who say they were inspired to enter into something because of a television program is because the television shows all take liberties with the truth behind the technology. What happens in minutes there takes months in real time, even with the help of computers and other technology. Don't use that as a reference point for your interest, I know you want your statement of purpose to stand out, but mentioning a television program will remove the professionalism of your essay.

Next, you should clearly state the purpose of your essay. You have spent so much time portraying your academic interests that the reviewer will clearly see a definite interest in the program on your part. The reason or purpose behind the interest is not clear. What is your career objective? Where do you see this higher academic learning leading your career in the future?

With regards to your professional career, make sure to indicate the current position that you are representing in the company, what your job description is, and why your current position will benefit from these additional studies. These need to be verifiable information. So don't exaggerate. Don't misrepresent. Just tell the truth. It will be double checked for validity.

Try to summarize the academic aspect of the essay because it takes more than 40 % of the essay. Normally, the college education is summarized in favor of the more important professional accomplishments that the reviewer prioritizes because as a MS student, you are expected to have enough real world experience rather than academic, to support your continued education.

Indicate your plans for your future career by representing your short term and/or long term goals in relation to your MS course and most importantly, discuss how the university can help you achieve these goals. Right now, that portion of your essay is not impressive because it lacks representation of your goals in relation to your studies.

Undergraduate / The words "software", "program" always more important than a "game" [8]

Excellent work Chen. This is an essay that is definitely worthy of submitting to the university. It shows a clear reason for your desire to enroll at Georgia Tech. The fact that you were drawn to the university because of the special projects that their students did will tell the reviewer that you will be an asset to their computer community as a student. You are already familiar with their special projects and have allowed yourself to ambition for a future wherein you are going to be a member of an exclusive circle of computer programmers. While the grammar is not perfect, it gets your sentiment across to the reader. The excitement is real and, even with some grammar misfires, I would have to say that this essay works very well in delivering your voice in terms of your interest in the university.

Undergraduate / How do you improve the life of others? MIT essay [8]

I guess this is as good as it gets for your essay Antonio. Since you do not have any real community service to speak of, the spin that you placed on the response in this essay will have to suffice. It is not as strong as it can be in support of the prompt but it is better than not having any sort of response to the essay. There is a semblance of how you helped to improve the academic life of these children so, while that is not as earth shattering or a truly contributing factor to the improvement of their lives, one can say that you at the very least, helped to improve their academic life. Inspiring them to possibly dream beyond the boundaries of your community through the help of Math. Go ahead and submit this essay. The reviewer might be able to see the special circumstances of your community contribution in the same way that I did.

Undergraduate / Linguistics, cognitive science, and diversity - "right college environment" Cornell Supplement [2]

Kevin, in order to call yourself a polyglot, you need to know at least 7 distinct languages. You need to be fluent in all 7 languages in order to even begin to qualify for use of the term. Since you know what? 4 languages? You can safely call yourself a linguist instead. A linguist is someone who is fluent in foreign languages. It can be as little as 3 languages. I believe that you should use the term linguist instead of polyglot in your essay. This is my only criticism of your essay, which you may or may not opt to consider for application to your work. The rest of the essay is highly engaging and clearly involves the offerings of Cornell that you hope to utilize in pursuit of your academic interests. I would not advise that you change anything regarding the content of the essay save for that word that I have brought into question.

Undergraduate / My musical journey provided me an alternate world - common app essay about music [3]

Justin, you need to clarify why you lost the drive to play the guitar in the first place. You can't just tell the reader that you decided to pick up the books and lost interest in guitar playing. What was the reason behind it? What motivated you to go for academic pursuits instead of your musical inclinations at the time? These reasons will form part of the foundation for the explanation as to why you decided to pick up the guitar again later on. Basically, the essay should reflect the two sides of your personality as a background. The side that felt a need to stop with the music in order to develop academically and intellectually, and the side that sought freedom of expression through music. If you can edit the essay to better reflect these two personalities, then this background essay will be more interesting and revealing to the reviewer in terms of getting to know you as a person.

Undergraduate / I need to go further in my efforts. Common application essay for Transfer 2017 Fall [7]

The funny thing is, I reviewed your essay upon reading your message and I totally got the sense, the feeling, that you have already responded to the prompt in the manner that you think is currently boring. Maybe it is is because you are too concerned and involved with the essay development? Sometimes, it takes the eyes of a different person to review the essay in order to let you know that you did a good job on it. I don't think that you need to adjust the essay to better reflect your reasons for transferring. It is very clear in the essay, as far as my opinion is concerned. That is why I do not think that you will need to relate any more reasons as to why you want to transfer and what you want to achieve. Unless of course, the information you currently have in the essay is not yet complete. In which case, you should go ahead and complete the essay in the manner that you know will satisfy your personal requirements.

Undergraduate / Columbia is in one of the most happening and amazing cities in the world [3]

Saransh, before you work on revising the content of your essay, I would like to call your attention to the Mission Statement of the university as indicated in their website. It would be in the best interest of your essay that you first read, understand, and analyze the mission statement as indicated there and then, and only then, should you develop a specific response essay to the question that has been given to you. You don't have to focus on the core curriculum for your response. You have to show a wide understanding of what Columbia stands for and how it is implemented in the university and among its students. If you can portray a belief in their value system as indicated in the mission statement, you will be able to deliver more relevant reasons as to why you would value a Columbia education.

Undergraduate / Something thay didn't go according the plan [4]

You should develop the problem and the lesson learned in an equal manner. One cannot be more important than the other. Regardless of what your friend told you, you have to create a balanced essay. Keep in mind that the reviewer that liked his essay will not be the same reviewer who will review your paper. The considerations will be different for you. So do not rely on the experiences of others or their instructions when developing your essay. In an essay that asks for 2 responses, the importance given is 50/50. Therefore, your concluding statement should be made stronger and develop more discussion of how you apply the lesson learned to your current endeavors. The essay has a good premise but lacks in development. Address the parts that need improvement and the essay should be good to go once that is done.

Undergraduate / High School Fair - Extracurricular Activity Supplement [7]

Kelly, this is pretty solid revision for your response. For the prompt that require 150 words maximum, this works perfectly. For the ones that require more, I do not suggest that you try to expand on the content of the essay as of now. That is because the next prompt, for the increased word count may have other, additional instructions that will help you expand on the essay content. Or, in some instances, you would do best to rephrase the content of the essay to make it longer.

As a college applicant, you should be aware that universities are now wise to the fact that students just submit the same essay to all the universities they are applying to . There are now universities that actually run your essays through plagiarism checkers to find out if you have already previously submitted the essay to other universities. If you are proven to have submitted the essay to a number of universities, that will be a major factor for consideration when they study your application. It will not be good for you. While it is okay to repeat the content of the essay, it is best to paraphrase your content whenever possible. That mere act of paraphrasing will allow you to expand the word count in most instances and also pass most plagiarism checkers.

Undergraduate / An unknown place, where I was born. Writing Cornell supplement essay. [5]

Khusel, you have written a very interesting personal statement. It is engaging and introduces you to the reviewer in a somewhat interesting, more confusing than anything else, manner. Needless to say, none of the information that you wrote relates to anything that the prompt requirement asked you to discuss. There is no reference to your chosen major, the reason you chose to enroll at CALS, and more importantly, why you chose to study at Carnegie Mellon. The discussion you present is only related to your background. None of these information relate in any way to the instructions of the prompt. I think that you need to find someone who can translate the prompt requirements into your vernacular so that you can better understand how you should approach the writing of this essay. I cannot translate the essay for you and truth be told, the requirements are pretty straightforward. You just did not accurately understand what was required of your essay. Approach your teacher, that person should be able to help you better understand what you have to do with the prompt.

Undergraduate / The generally apathetic CMU supplement essasy [2]

Adam, your whole essay does not properly represent the required information based on the prompt requirements. You have decided to write a background statement instead of accurately showing the reviewer the considerations that you used in selecting your major, your educational institution, and your achievements that helped you come to the final decision about your future.

The information that you present indicates a general understanding of Carnegie Mellon but does not reflect any relation with your chosen major. In fact, you don't even specifically mention your chosen major. There are no achievements indicated either. Only a discussion of the general understanding of how STEM fits in the overall scheme of Carnegie Mellon. This type of essay will not help you get into the university because it does not deliver the prompt requirements. You can't use this essay. You need to better understand the prompt requirements and then develop a more relevant essay. The focal points are:

1. What is your major?
2. Why is Carnegie the best place to learn about the major?
3. What achievements and experience do you have that will make you a far more advanced candidate for admission to this major? Why should they choose you over someone else based upon your related experiences?

I tried to simplify the prompt for you in the hopes of helping you to better present your responses on an outlined, individual basis. I hope it works.

Undergraduate / Performing surgeries sparks my curiosity - exploring interests at the UPenn [2]

Shizumi, you can actually free up more of the word requirement to use in developing other aspects of your essay if you remove the opening statement that you have. That paragraph does not focus on the interests you will be exploring at UPenn. Rather, it is focusing on the location of the university, which is not relevant to the requirements of the essay. What we are looking for here is a familiarity between you, your chosen major, and the offerings of the university. As you know, education is not limited to the 4 corners of the classroom anymore. The university has both academic (in-class) education and extra curricular (after school) education that still aligns with your course major interests. So discuss those after school activities that relate to your major as part of the method by which you will pursue your academic interests at the university. Most of the information that you present is really generic and sounds more like you just read about it on the internet rather than you truly having a solid idea as to how you will pursue higher academic interests in a diverse method while at UPenn. So that is the part that you have to concentrate on when you revise your essay.

Undergraduate / A step to be greater and more meaningful than the previous one - my transition to maturity [4]

Maria, this essay does not meet the requirements for a transition to adulthood essay. It does fulfill the requirements for a background
essay though. I suggest that you change the prompt you will be using this essay for to the following prompt:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

A transition story usually has its basis or foundation in an event that has you, as the performer of the act, developing a more matured mindset or creating a more adult character trait as you performed the task. It is an incident that happens only once and has the community or your parents acknowledging that your actions are finally that of an adult. It is about proving that you can take responsibility for yourself and that you will be able to take care of yourself without the help of others. Your current essay doesn't reflect that.

However, it reflects information that clearly pertains to prompt 1. So, if you would like to, you can just use a different prompt with the essay. Make sure that you review the requirements of the discussion and that all important points are reflected in the essay. I believe you have done so. Although, you may want to develop some other points of the essay based upon the new prompt requirements. Otherwise, the essay will work perfectly with the new prompt instead. If you want to use your original prompt, you will need to write a new essay that better reflects the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Amazing student to faculty ratio and many other reasons - what great at Swarthmore [4]

Aime, here is the thing. Your essay says nothing but the common known information about Swarthmore. This essay will not impress the reviewers and does not do anything to make your application stand out. I suggest that when you talk about what interests you about Swathmore, you display an idea of the kind of education that you hope to receive there. Discuss how your interest in Swarthmore is connected with your interest in your major. Explain how you plan to excel at the university using their facilities. Pose a research query that you are interested in developing while a student there. Your interest in Swarthmore should tie in directly with your chosen major. Not in the general offerings of the university. So to become unique, focus on your major in relation to the university offerings.

Undergraduate / From the clunky weirdo with ADHD to a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician. [8]

There is still the question of excess energy that your mother wished you would get rid of by playing the drums. What was her motivation for suggesting it to you? That line just seems so inconsistent with the rest of the essay. It is supposed to lay the foundation for your interest in the drums. Yet is says nothing about why and how it happened. It is kind of like your essay skipped 3 steps. All of sudden, you were a drum expert. Yet, we don't get any idea as to how your being bullied really connects with it. Your mother's statement doesn't make sense. Why did she think that getting into drums would be good for you? Obviously her idea worked. But what made her think that it would work? You need to develop a stronger foundation paragraph for it. Something as strong as the depiction of the bullying, in order to remove the question mark that remains in the essay.

Graduate / The proseminars in particular attract me. Seeking an advice on Personal Statement for MIT Sloan MFin [7]

Ng, my question for you is this, why would you want your essay to sound like all the other essays that you have read? Granted that more of the previous applicants wrote about the same topic, don't you think that you should be going in the opposite direction so that your essay will be different from theirs? Your essay should sound unique and try to create a different response from everyone else. Don't let your essay be influenced by the ones that you have read as examples. As far as I am concerned, this essay portrays your thoughts, ideas, and sentiments. It is original and stands apart because of your method of discussion.

As for the mission of MIT Sloane, you actually respond to it through your future career goals and plans. The essay asks you how you will embody their mission and vision. You actually do this because you have solid plans for your short and long term goals. If you would like to be specific, then you can tie in specific keywords from the prompt into your essay so that the reviewer will get specific markers regarding prompt number 3 responses. I do not feel that is necessary though since that part seems to be a fluid part of the discussion. You don't really need to be highly specific about it. But then, that is my opinion, we should work on the essay based upon yours.

Undergraduate / From the clunky weirdo with ADHD to a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician. [8]

Definitely much better. Although, it still seems a bit too long. Can you tell me what the maximum word count is for this prompt? It seems to me like there are statements that can be merged or deleted, depending upon its position in the current essay. Some of the paragraphs, in my opinion, lack the ability to create clear motivations and discussions based upon your current presentation. There are signs of missing information or a lack of direct relation to the story you are trying to tell. I have some specific ideas in mind but I need to make sure that it will work for your essay. Let me know the actual maximum word count for the essay and I should be able to get back to you with instructions as to how to make your essay more memorable in terms of length and content for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / I need to go further in my efforts. Common application essay for Transfer 2017 Fall [7]

It all depends upon the word allowance that you are given for the essay Zhang. If you have a word limited essay, it is always best to direct the reviewer to the relevant response as soon as you can. If you have no word count limitation, then you can go ahead and start with a story. If your word maximum is around 750 - 1000 words, then you can use the anecdote method. If you can only write up to 250 or 650 words, get to the point as soon as you can. In this instance, it is best if you just discuss the points of relevance immediately. My advice in thread # 2 should help you to better deliver a relevant essay to the reviewer. All reviewers prefer to read the essay of students whose words represent short, but informative essays. It saves them time and allows them to complete other tasks related to their duties.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay. Computer Crash and the Best Education [3]

Leslie, this essay tends to wander in terms of discussion. I am assuming that this is your first draft of this essay and that you are a work in progress in terms of this essay. The first thing you have to do is remove the paragraph about Iron Man. The whole paragraph. In order to make this an effective background story, you need to open with the focus directly on you. Which is what happens in the second paragraph. The essay takes on a life of its own at that point. It becomes highly informative and shows a clear excitement on your part about why you want to become a computer major.

Word of caution though, remove the reference to being 7 years old at the time of the computer crash. The age when you experienced something does not matter as much as the experience that you received. So, rather than having the reviewer question your age in relation to an almost child prodigy like experience, which makes him question the validity of your narrative, just bring his focus to the prompt discussion at all times.

Scholarship / Indian and US lifestyles - there's a huge difference, but I'm ready and well prepared for it [3]

Sahana, remove the quote from Maya Angelou. I do not care who you are quoting and how relevant you feel that quote is to your situation, you are never allowed to swear, cuss, use bad words / foul language in an academic essay. Most specially an academic essay that could deliver a scholarship for a rare opportunity for you to study overseas. I do not know what you were thinking. Why would you think that you can swear in an essay of this magnitude and deliver a good impression of yourself to the reviewer? Don't answer that. Just remove the offending paragraph from your essay and it should become aligned once again with the proprieties of academic writing.

The line referring to your familiarity with the US educational system is irrelevant to the reason why you will make a great participant in the program. All of the applicants will be claiming the same thing. Do not tell the reviewer that going to school abroad will make you the pride of the family. That is a selfish reason for wanting to win this prestigious scholarship and does not paint you in a good light with the reviewer. A great participant to this program is open to learning from others. He respects others with his words. You already have two counts against you in this essay that you wrote based upon swear words and self centered content. I need not tell you that you must revise those portions immediately.

Undergraduate / My struggling... culture shock? multicultural? Personal importance thing [7]

Hi Shi, well, I do not think that you actually need to add to anything more to the essay that you currently have written unless you want to. Like I said, the prompt is what needs to be replaced. Not the content of the essay. You see, there are times when you write an essay and you think that it perfectly responds to a particular prompt that you want to respond to. In this case, the essay was accidentally written in response to a different prompt. Maybe you were previously considering that prompt then changed your mind. Whatever the reason, your essay best fits the prompt I suggested above. So go ahead and switch the essay prompts around. The essay will be better off after the switch is made and it will not cost you any revision of content either. So it is a win-win situation for you.

Undergraduate / The words "software", "program" always more important than a "game" [8]

Chen, the statement that you developed does not even begin to respond to the prompt. None of the sections in it clearly discuss why you are interested in attending Georgia Tech. The first half verges on the side of a personal statement. The next half, shows a half researched, mostly just rushed and disinterested essay that supposedly explains why you want to attend the university. If you want to see an example of what a weak response to the prompt essay is, then you have successfully created one. Delete this essay. Do not use it. Instead, create a new essay. One that shows a familiarity with the university extra curricular activities. That is one of the best and simplest way to respond to the prompt. Discuss a particular organization or club that exists at the university that you hope to become a member of because of your interest in a specific college major. That should work to help you develop the foundation of your response to the essay in a more prompt aligned manner.

Undergraduate / "Temporary" feelings. UVA "What is your favorite word and why?" Is it too silly and over dramatic? [6]

Jenna, while some students here might tell you that it is okay to go over a certain percentage of the word count and the system will still accept your essay, I am of a different opinion. There is a reason that you were given a word requirement. That is meant to keep the essay focused on the discussion topic provided. The reviewers only have a limited amount of time to review essays so they do not have time to waste wading through wordy essays. They normally just skip those, in the event of paper essays, or the system totally rejects the essay during online submission so your paper will never even have a chance to be read. So be cautious and rule abiding. That means, stick to the maximum word count. That is, if you value your application to the university.

Now, with the 250 words, you were instructed to discuss only one specific word that you find to be your favorite. Yet, I count at least 3 words being discussed in this essay. Keep in mind that the reviewer is also judging your ability to follow instructions as that is an integral part of being a college bound student. Your work obviously tells him that you are a rule breaker. You were told to discuss one word and you discussed numerous words instead. That will make him rethink your application status to his university. So you should edit the content instead. Do specifically what the prompt requires, which is to discuss one, singular, solitary word that is your favorite term to use in your daily life.

Undergraduate / The car I was in flipped three times and hit a tree - common app essay prompt # 5 [3]

Breiar, this is definitely not a transition to adulthood story. I do not know what ever made you think that the content of this essay showcased a transition event. Not even the fact that you cheated death makes this a transition to adulthood story. If anything, this essay most properly represents prompt number 1. You know, the one that goes like this:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

You have written a very lovely essay that has some eye opening reminders for the readers. However, there is no clear transition that happened within. You won't even have to develop a new essay response for the prompt mentioned above. Your work already fits the requirements. That is why I am suggesting that you change the prompt to something more relevant based on the current list of available prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Five days which taught me a lot. Cornell ILR program-- Why Cornell?? [2]

Katie, this particular presentation is preventing you from properly developing the discussion as to how Cornell ILR will help you pursue your interests. While the presentation is creative, there is a lack of proper discussion development as to how specific ILR concerns presented itself during this week at camp. Even worse, you failed to properly develop the discussion of how Cornell ILR will be able to help you learn more about or understand why these sorts of situations occur. Single sentence representations of that discussion is not enough. There is a clear lack of familiarity with the course offerings and objectives of the department at Cornell University. You basically presented general ideas that could apply to any other university in terms of discussion development. The reason why Cornell ILR is the only university for you should be more academic centered and allow you to showcase an understanding of Industrial Labor Relations. You can still use the same conversation from this essay. Just present it in a more fluid discussion in essay format in order to allow yourself the freedom to properly develop your discussions. You can self edit if you go over the word count. You of all people should know when and where you can cut certain content of the essay without affecting the overall presentation.