Writing Feedback / Should a new restaurant be built in your neighborhood? [5]

Well, I remember providing you with the essay structure we suggest for this task. I hope you follow those instructions.
Overall, I feel you need to improve on your presentation of ideas. They seem to be presented in a bit complicated style. You can tell the same idea in a more interesting way if you express it more direct.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Equal number of gender in the universities entrance [12]


Well, if you struggle with making hooks, leave that a side for now. Start with the background, but make sure your idea gets across very very clearly to the reader. Hook is good to have, but not having a hook doesn't make much of a difference in terms of your score. My strong advice for you is to present things in the simplest manner. Don't try experimental phrases or words. You need to pay attention to many aspects when you do this task. Time, clarity, grammar, structure, ideas, vocabulary etc. Your overall score would be the outcome of the equation where all these things are parameters.

Letters / "Skopsko JL Transport", "Stopanska Banka - Skopje" - I took two internships [3]


Well, I think this is not necessary because you sign the letter at the end of it and your name appears there. Or else you can say;

I am ????? (your name), an economist with proven administrative and management skills.
After many years of working directly with people inof diverse professional surroundingsbackgrounds, now I am seeking an opportunity to leverage my experience in ___________________ and in that way to contributeto your company. (you can say this idea at the end of the letter)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : School attendance in the UK in 2007 [7]

Yep, I get your point. Some say that It does not matter to have your overview in the conclusion or the introduction provided that you write an overview in one of these places. But, in my personal view, it is much more presentable if you stick to the structure of Introduction, Overview and Details. I believe that a conclusion for this task is not really necessary because this task does not expect you to write any analysis or opinion. Conclusion is a must for the Task 2.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Equal number of gender in the universities entrance [12]


.... Emancipation? What do you really mean by this sentence?
I have noticed many students have a habit of replacing words with synonyms without having a proper understanding about in which situations those words are used. There is a great danger in doing that because they may interpret a total different meaning to your original idea. Focus more on presenting clear sentences to the reader than having big words. Your vocabulary knowledge is certainly a plus factor for a good score. However, clarity takes presidence.

Writing Feedback / IETLT Task I : Spending leisure time by young individuals and couples [9]


Well, your intro is a bit too descriptive. Let's look at the title of the charts;
"The graphs below show the results of survey on whom people usually spend their leisure time with" ... So, all you've got to do is to paraphrase the same. Keep all the details for your body paras ;

The bar charts provide the survey results on with whom the selected 100 people usually spend their leisure time with. This group of people include single men, single women, couples with children and couples without children.

Also, the picture says it's 100 people whereas you have said 1000 people. Be careful with figures as this task is about reporting.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: Dress reflects Chracter [10]


Hey, that's why you need to keep practicing :) You'll be fine after a series of practice sessions :) Also, reading others essays written in similar topics may be a very good idea to gain knowledge and knack of certain phrases and presenting your ideas more effectively. Our comments are meant to help you improve your writing further for you to get a good score. They do not mean that what you wrote is really bad. :)

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing test 1. Cement and concrete production diagrams. Ielts8 [11]


In summary,
There is no doubt that you can write very well. However, you need to polish the essay structure a bit more. This is a task to assess your report writing capabilities and therefore you've got to display that. Keep your writing within that scope of report writing. Pay attention to the structure proposed by Pahan.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult [3]


This idea you have presented in a more complicated manner which is not very good. The reader needs to comprehend what you say in the easiest way and therefore you need to give him less work to grab his attention towards your writing :)

There are many cases to prove that individuals who had not performed academically well, had become very successful in their adult lives.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task : Provide a free mobile phone and free access to find jobs [4]

Your title said something about 240 mins. Have you spent so much time to write this essay? If so, you need to immediately attend to fix that problem because this task has a major bearing on time.



Yes, I am with agi. Your prompt asks you to what extent you agree with the statement. So, you need to tell whether you agree (partially or fully) or disagree with it.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that cars should be banned from large cities. Do you agree or disagree? [8]


Well, you can avoid these types of sentences. They do not add much value for your essay. It is nicer if you conclude the introduction with a statement expressing your view.

Essays / Animal shelters essay ; English 101 class "I am saving a life either way, right? [3]

At some point in time I think everyone entertainsloves the idea of getting a pet, either their child wants a dog or they just want the companionship of a cat.be it their own requirement or their child's humble request.


There are many ways to have a new pet, however, which way you choose and why ?
4Four million shelter animals die year after year

Undergraduate / University Application: what is your favourite past time/hobby and why? [3]


I am a quiet girl in nature and I'd like to spend my leisure time reading books and sketching.
I like the way detectives find out who the murderer is in Agatha Christie's novels, and I likeam fascinated with the magic and power of a completely different world in Lord of Rings.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Professors should do more research or teach students? [11]


Let's see :D Let's have a look at your first body para;


... Ok this is your reason. However, the subject is professors and therefore you need to focus on them more and expand on this idea a little bit more;

First, universities do possess the best environment for research because they have the right infrastructure, facilities and financial support. Therefore, the professors should make use of these opportunities and produce fruitful results of such investments.

Here you have given three examples. That is not necessary. Cite only one example and move to the other para.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing: government should spend more money on public services [6]

Pay attention to your essay structure and follow the suggestion provided by Pahan regarding that.


.... wrong grammar'
money ought to be spent/ ought to spend


.... there's heavy redundancy and meaningless phrases in this sentence :(
It is obvious that public services such as housing, transportation, banking etc. play a very important role in enhancing the quality of life of people.

Graduate / PA school narrative; My motivation or desire to become a physician assistant [3]

In the months following the surgery it was unclearwasn't sure whether she would ever again be able to ambulate independently, communicate coherently or perform simple activities of daily living.routine. My grandmother has always beenbeing a beacon of love, inspiration, and encouragement for me; it was so hard for me to helplessly watch her becomebecoming frustrated to the point of anger and tears in attempts to express herself and adjust to the changes.

Undergraduate / I would like to become an engineer; What life goals will Purdue help you to achieve & how? [2]


I wish to design engineering solutions that achieve the best balance between the trade off of urbanization and environment protection.


University of Purdue can certainly help me achieve this goal with its extraordinarily strong approach towards applied sciences.


I wish if you mentioned some core feature of the course that is aligned with this aspect :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: TAKE A YEAR OFF BETWEEN HIGH SCHOOL AND UNIVERSITY [5]


Let's have a look at your prompt;


You should have aligned your intro more with the prompt ;
Traditionally, high school students attend college immediately after graduation. However, some people believe it is better for them to work or travel for an year before starting university studies. Such decisions can have both advantages and disadvantages.

There is no harm even if you stated your opinion in the intro itself although you need to talk about both side in body paras;

Although such decisions can have both advantages and disadvantages, I believe that advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / The reasons why friendships sometimes die [6]

I agree with eddies. I too have no experience in assessing your writing. I only can help you with aligning your writing with a desired structure that would help you earn a decent score.

Writing Feedback / Best way to solve growing traffic & pollution; 'consumption policy development' [8]

Environmental pollution and growing traffic are two major issues of today's world. (hook) Some people hold the view that increasing the price of petrol is the best solution to arrest these issues because they believe that such action would discourage people to use their private vehicles. (background of the issue) However, I personally do not agree with this view and believe that there are more effective measures to address these issues.

Writing Feedback / Having a trip with a tour leader definitely helps the one to enjoy his trip in the best way [5]

You need to improve your introduction structure in order to get a good score for this task.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL, It is impossible to be completely honest with friends. [5]

Well .... your introduction needs the following features to get a good score for you for this task.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Professors should do more research or teach students? [11]

Yep, if is the second version of the same essay, you can post it in this same thread and no need to open a new thread. But make sure that you open a new thread each time you write an essay on a new topic. Also, open all your TOEFL related threads in Writing Feedback forum. Try to practice your essays following those structures and with time too. The more you practice the better you would be :)

Writing Feedback / Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response [5]

What is the purpose of this essay? It is good if you mention that in your title itself. Also, you need to have a more descriptive and meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread. This title is attended by us . Include your prompt or topic on top of the essay so that others get a better idea about your writing. This essay should have been opened in Writing Feedback forum too. (moved from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback)

Writing Feedback / If you were an employer, which kind of worker would you prefer to hire: an inexperienced [3]

Business depends upon the both the quality and quantityoutput of the employees.


All these three sentences mean the same and therefore it sounds repetitive :(


First and foremost, the experienced worker can handle difficult situations with his expertise and past experience.
Overall, good structure and good job :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Professors should do more research or teach students? [11]

First, I have an admin request - Make sure you open TOEFL essays in Writing Feedback forum (This has been moved from Grammar Usage to Writing Feedback by us) That's a forum rule and it also helps you earn more feedbacks too :)


This sentence is too long. Avoid writing lengthy sentences as they get the reader to memorize lots of things and he'd be tired of your writing :D

Undergraduate / "Living in a diverse community" My major passion has remained unchanged - Why UWC? [3]


Throughout my youth, my major passion has remained unchanged; I want to help those who are in need, specifically by working especiallytowardsfor gender equality.


I think ElmYew's got a point. This is good, but some parts lack clarity;


I feel you should present this idea more clearly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Housing owned and rented in UK [5]


The two charts present the percentage of housing owned and rented by British people in 1985 and 2005.


This task is about report writing and that involves reporting your observations. Here you do not talk about things that are not graphically presented. Also, you shouldn't write about your conclusions or predictions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The percentage of housing owned and rented in the UK in 1985 and 2005. [3]


This is to test you on report writing skills. So your tone should strictly support report writing and what you tell should be only what you observe and not your conclusions. So, you shouldn't have said "most of the people prefer" , because their preference is not an observation here. We don't know whether they preferred or forced to do that due to some other reason. So, keep things more general to report your observations;

In general, the majority people have lived in privately owned houses and the least number of people have lived in social housing schemes.

Undergraduate / 'Who is your hero who inspires you to achieve?' About my farther. [5]


You've got only 500 words and you better not waste a single word that does not tell about you. The above is quite general knowledge and those admission officers would not be interested in such stuff. Talk about your father and how he inspired your life. Do not lose your focus from what the prompt asked you.

Writing Feedback / planting a tree; Young people are more concerned - issues like the environment [5]


This sounds like a bit stereotype accusation :D
You are not properly introducing the prompt.

Undergraduate / Inspirtaion to pursue engineering- U of T Essay- This opportunity means the world to me [2]


... This section lacks creativity :( ... These sound like statements you made without much commitment. Talk through real life examples, events etc. So that the reader would be convinced about your passion for engineering. I think you need to re-do this part.


Ok, let's attend to this;


I actively participated in extra-curricular activities in high school .


.... Here too you need to be more specific :(

Graduate / SOP-Msc. Business System Analysis and Design. [6]

This is your SOP and it should stand out many other applications that the admission panel reads. So, you should show how passionate you are about this field. Tell them how you developed your interest in this field and how you pursued your passion. I like you elaborate a bit more on that point. Do it in the first para itself.

Also tell them about your future goals (more specifically) and how this program helps you achieve them.

Writing Feedback / The Dancing girl; SHORT STORY WRITING! [5]

withWiththe flashlights on my head, I used the rough cave wall to guide me through it and to keep balance from the dizziness caused by lack of oxygen. 'Tick... tick...tick...'I could hear a soft dripping noise as dew slid offrom the rocks.


This is not very clear... You better rephrase this sentence.

Writing Feedback / Best way to solve growing traffic & pollution; 'consumption policy development' [8]

Ok, let's see where you deviate from what we have proposed :)


You do not adequately attend to the background of the issue. (Here you don't have a hook too, but it is ok though your hook would help you impress your examiner about your writing skills). What you should in the background section is to paraphrase the prompt to introduce your issue and make him convinced that it is worth discussing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: BAR CHARTS- Married and Divorced in the USA [8]


No, there is no need for two separate overviews. You need to sum up your observations and present in one. So, pick up most obvious trends or observations from both and present them in one overview para. This same rule applies to all sections of your answer. :)

Follow the structure I provided in your other thread :)

Writing Feedback / The reasons why friendships sometimes die [6]


Excellent introduction. Only the last line has a few issues :)


reasons includeand not includes
There are several reasons for such short living friendships. They include reasons like personality mismatches, money related conflicts etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1- water use worldwide and water consumption in two different countries [3]

Yes, it is very important that you upload your graph. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature above and upload your image. Then only others can provide you with more meaningful comments. Without seeing your graph it is difficult to to make proper comments. However, I feel that you have a good understanding about the structure you need to follow for this task.

Writing Feedback / Some people deny changes and choose to stay in their comfort zone [10]


Change is a natural phenomenon that every human has to face with.


People choose - "people" is a plural word and therefore what you've written above is wrong.


This is a pretty confusing sentence. I think you need to improve the structure more and pay more attention to your grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: BAR CHARTS- Married and Divorced in the USA [8]

It is clear that the gap between the number of married couples and divorced couples became closeRhad been narrowed throughout the period.

Well, these are my major observations for the overview;
Overall, there had been a downward trend for marriages while the divorces had shown an upward trend. However, the difference between the married couples and the divorced couples had recorded a decline towards the year of 2000.