Undergraduate / My performance in the Talent Show and further competitions - meaningful talent essay [11]

Cheng, this essay is definitely well written and quite developed. The reviewer should get hooked at the beginning of your essay because of the story that you used. It was a good introduction to something that most people would not really consider a talent. However, because you were able to directly relate it to your life as a student, I am sure that this will be one of the outstanding essays that the reviewer will be reading.

It would have been nice to find out if you had won the music competition though. We know you made it to the final round thanks to improvisation, but nothing after that. By the way, I really do not think that you need to explain what improvisation is to the reviewer. He already knows the meaning. The explanation just distracts the reviewer from the focus of your essay. Never place anything in the essay that will distract or break the flow of reading in the essay. Try to keep it smooth flowing and easy to read. No distractions as much as possible :-)

There is also no need to mention your fencing competitions since you did not really have an opportunity to expound upon that. Even without it, the reader can easily understand why you would consider improvisation a talent though. It is already crystal clear to the reader how you plan on using your talent during your college days.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the daily activities of my mother [2]

Lina, the way you write in such a careless manner will definitely affect your grade. The first rule of writing is "Always capitalize the first letter of every sentence." This is to indicate the start of a new sentence. You also do not use paragraphing to separate your thoughts or the relating of your mother's activities. In an essay, you need to have at least 3 sentences per paragraph. At least 5 separated paragraphs compose a full essay. I will help you by rewriting your essay below in the correct format. Keep in mind that you need to remember how the corrections were done. Apply it to your next essay assignments. We can help you edit your succeeding essays.

My mother's name is Mrs. Khotijah. She's 40 years old. She always wakes up around 5 a.m. After she wakes up, she takes a bath and then goes to pray. My mother is a vendor. She sells vegetables in the market. But, before she goes to the market ,she still does her responsibilities for her children.She washes the clothes then prepares breakfast for us. After that, she prepares herself before she goes to the market at 6 a.m.

She works for about 7 hours in a day. That's why we don't spend much time together.

After she comes home, she takes a rest then takes a bath and prepares dinner. She usually spends her spare time watching her favorite serial on tv for an hour or more. She goes to bed at around 9 p.m. or when her favorite serial is over.

As you can see, I separated your thoughts into paragraphs. Please do your best to extend the shortest ones into at least 3 sentences to meet the paragraph requirements. That means no less than 3 sentences with a maximum of 5 sentences for beginners in essay writing. Try to tell the teacher more about your mother's work that keeps her away from her family. That is the shortest part of the essay. So make it longer. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Apology Letter - missed attendance at the birthday celebration (Ielts Task 1) [3]

Good work Pradeep. You were able to deliver the letter requirements in a straightforward manner. Now, there are times when being straight to the point is good. However, when you are writing a friendly letter (to a friend), it is nice to become a more relaxed with your writing style. After all, you need not be so formal among friends right? I hope you won't mind if I show you how to write a more relaxed version of your letter below :-)

Hey Mike,

I heard that you had a really great party for your birthday. I heard from our friends that your party was fantastic and that the food and drinks were overflowing. I am really so miffed that I was not able to be there with the others to help you celebrate that day. I would have really wanted to participate in your party activities that, our friends tell me, could have gone on all night if the venue had not closed up on you guys.

I wasn't able to tell you beforehand that I would not be able to come to your party because my boss made me attend a super secret meeting with a client. He made me promise to not tell even my mother about what we were going to do. I don't know why he was so paranoid but he's the boss right? I really felt terrible that I had to keep it a secret from you, which is why I could not even tell you beforehand that I could not come to your party.

What do you say to a late dinner birthday celebration with the gang on me? I'll pay for everything. All you have to do is show up with our friends and your family. Let me make up my absence to you. After all, there are no rules that say we can only celebrate your birthday once a year right? I'm sure this is going to be fun!

Let me know when you are available for dinner and I'll take care of the rest.

Your friend
pdeep

I hope you can use this as a reference point the next time you need to write a friendly letter. Good work with your version though. You seem to have a gift for writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - University education can ensure to get a decent job [3]

Bayu, I like the way that you are thinking in this essay. You did a perfect comparison of the two sides of the argument and gave the reader enough information to be able to come to their own decision as you concluded the essay. By using commonly known examples like Bill Gates, you were able to show that there are some exceptions to the college rule and that the side that thinks it is best to work after high school may have some right ideas after all.

Your grammar is starting to improve but you still need help in making it better. So here we go :-)

THE competitive job market is getting tougher in this globalization era.

Even though continue study to the university STUDY is important

start work after school graduation should obtain a great benefit experience. WORKING AFTER HIGH SCHOOL HAS ITS BENEFITS

A detailED explanation about THE writer views

This circumstance leads recruiters TO HIRE hiring an individual

with A higher educational achievement title

So, wide range of parents encourages THEIR children to complete their bachelorS degree in education.

the children are having guaranteed to obtain A job with a good salary.

start working directly after finishing your HIGH school will ensure your experience in the world of work.

He preferREDTO - past tense

rather than in the formal education

But, these days that teenager becomes THAT TEENAGER BECAME the richest-man in the world due to his experience in computer programming.

start working after graduated ING at school

part time job in the night

you have a university course ATTEND UNIVERSITY COURSES in the morning

common ways

Scholarship / My former supervisor at Tanzania Cigarette Company had the best leadership and influencing skills [12]

Msonga, this is a very good leadership qualification essay. One of the best I have read so far. It is quite direct to the point and offers a real background regarding the development of your leadership abilities. By showing both a professional and civic aspect of your leadership skills, you have proven that your leadership traits are not limited solely to the workplace. You also know how to lead in the community. Something that the Chevening Scholarship looks for in their candidates. You embody their ideal as a future leader who will be able to help develop the community or country that you came from.

I would have liked to have heard more about the training that you received from your mentor. By sharing how you learned from Mr. Mwakabonga the reviewer will be able to assess if you are truly ready to become the kind of leader that the scholarship seeks for the future. It will also benefit your essay if, aside from describing the things you learned on the job from your mentor, you can also tell the reviewer about the other kinds of training that you received.

You mentioned a training program you underwent with your sister company. Can you expand a little on that discussion? What specifics were taught to you and how did it prove to be beneficial when you had to serve as team leader? What was the difference between your theoretical leadership knowledge and the actual application if any? Did you have any self taught or enlightening moments when something you were taught did not really apply in terms of leadership and you had to develop something on your own? I think it would be nice to read about how you also learn from your own experiences and not not just the training that you received.

Overall, the essay is already strong but with room for improvement. I hope there is some way that some of my ideas can be integrated into your essay. That is, if you are amenable to its inclusion :-) I look forward to reading your next draft, if any.

Writing Feedback / About photo booths: they allow to produce two kinds of picture, large format image and passport size [3]

This is a very good report Irham. You managed to clearly state the process of taking a photo in the photo booth without missing a detail. Each paragraph is of an acceptable length and contains clear instructions, regardless of the imperfect grammar. We can work on polishing the report below:

of using A modern photo box

allows THE costumer to produce two kinds of pictureS,- watch out for those tricky plural forms and word connectors :-)

there are 8 main features that MAKE UP of this photo booth.

go into the photo booth with BY opening the curtain and closing it

Before have a seat SITTING on controlled stool,

eye level for TO ensuring CHECK his appearance

chair, THE adjustable stool and eye level should be settled to the right position.

Then, wait for 3 seconds the light as a single flash will appear automatically.
- AFTER 3 SECONDS THE PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN BY A SINGLE INSTANT FLASH OF LIGHT.

allowing THE user to select the photo's size,

the photos will be loaded DEVELOPED for 1 minute

By the way, you are lacking one more paragraph to meet the paragraph requirement of at least 3. You can split up the instructional portion of the report into 2 in order to attain that requirement.

Letters / Letter to express an intention of continuing studies as a fourth year college student of DFCAMCLP [2]

Reign, there are actually parts in the letter where it sounds like you are whining and already complaining about the school schedule even before you have been allowed to enroll for the semester. My advice is to take those portions out.Specifically, take this following out of the letter:

At first, I was hoping that I can split my subjects in half for the second semester (take the subjects for third year this year, and then the fourth year subjects next year) since I [...]

[...] whatever decision I make. Now, I only hope that the schedule will not be too hard for me and not force me to leave my part-time job.

The essay carries more strength and conviction on your part without that. The image that you need to portray with the school registrar is that you are willing and able to do anything that it will take in order to complete your required courses for graduation. Including the above paragraph does not make anybody reading the letter believe that you can do that. So it is best to eliminate any statements that may create doubt in the readers mind.

You have already told the registrar that your aunt will be helping you out without question or fail, so why do you need to question your abilities to succeed this semester? Don't bother the registrar with possible obstacles on your part such as maybe having to leave your part time job. They don't care about that. That is not their problem to solve. Just concentrate your letter on the reasons why you need to complete your studies this semester and not the next one instead.

Undergraduate / I have always had difficulty expressing myself. I had to be sure that every my word was perfect. [5]

Cameron, just because you are sharing your story of self-discovery and the eventual coming out that sometimes accompanies such events, does not make what you had to share with the reviewer cliche. In fact, it is something that would not normally come up with the standard common app prompts so yes, taking advantage of this prompt to bring that into the spotlight was just the right thing to do.

The only problem I see with this is that you spend too much of the essay talking about how the other people view you and your fear of judgement. What stopped you from talking more about who you are as a person? Regardless of your sexual orientation or gender identification, you are first and foremost a person. So why not tell us who you are aside from a person who used to be afraid of other people's judgement?

This is the one chance you have in your whole application to let the reviewer get to know everything about you. You already started that with "I am gay." So who were you before you came to this realization? Did coming out have benefits for you? Why not talk about how it helped improved your life in a more specific manner. Don't just talk about "Cam this" and "Cam that". Let us know who else you are beyond being gay. What makes you special? What makes people want to be your friend? What makes you interesting? Being gay is only one side of you, not all of you. So let us get to know the whole package if you are comfortable with that. Then your essay will go beyond cliche and offer the reviewer more of an insight into who you are.

Undergraduate / How glasses have shaped my world - UC Prompt 1 [4]

Well Raymond, this is certainly going to be an essay that stands out with the reviewer. He would probably be expecting to read a standard and boring personal statement about family, friends, or whatever. Then here you come, with your glasses, and wham! You nailed the essay prompt in a highly interesting and personal manner. Congratulations on doing that.

Now, after the accolades, comes some correction. Just some minor grammar structure details that you probably missed when you first wrote the essay. You probably haven't done any proofreading yet right? Let me help you out there. I'll just post the corrected portions below :-)

for the sole purpose of the suspicion raised by people surrounding me of where my eyes are venturing off to.
- We need you to clarify what you mean in this sentence. What is the sole purpose? How is it connected with suspicions of people regarding where your eyes are looking?

I am convinced it had begun began in the second grade

inTO the air,

He must have been close to me for the point of impact suggests a nearly straight up and down trajectory.
- Not really needed. You are not testifying in a court case here. An overview is enough

Though many would be resentful of this[ THAT day,

They permit me to have a sense of direction of where I want to go and what I want to do in life

By the way, as well written as your essay is, you really need to pay attention to its format. Remember to divide it into topic paragraphs to make it easier to read :-)

Undergraduate / These are the few experiences that have motivated me to develop a career in STEM - 1st Caltech essay [3]

Smiriti, what you have is actually an outline of the topics that you want to discuss in your essay. The overview is strong and informative but it does not completely answer the prompt requirements. You have to expand your responses to offer more information about your interest in STEM.

Take each idea that you presented and extend the discussion. Explain what kind of information you came across as you looked for the answer about lighting and thunder. What did you learn specifically that could tie in to one of the fields of STEM? Make sure that the connection is clear and that your narrative is strong.

The story about Math, try to make it sound more personal. How did you feel about Math before your father introduced you to Math in such a way that it stirred an interest within you? How did that lead you to the conclusion that you require further STEM studies?

The question from your junior, try to make it sound more interesting than it is. It just seems so straightforward and you don't really seem connected to the events happening. Try to have a more active voice in your essay. The passive voice that you are currently using is doing a lot of harm to your essay.

Make sure to clarify the connection between your interests and STEM. Try to mention a specific STEM related career that you want to pursue and highlight that interest in the essay. The more connected your experience is to your chosen career, the more interesting your essay should become :-)

Writing Feedback / Tech and Brain power. Technology deteriorate human way of thinking - GRE issue Task [2]

Sekar, while I did manage to finally follow your flow of thought, I think that you could have used a stronger statement with which to argue your opinion. For example, people who work in the technology industry believe that "As technology advances so does the intelligence of man. For technology opens up avenues to new learning and raises questions that man did not have before."

It almost sounds like you used an online translator to write the English version of your thoughts. It is not only confusing to read, but sometimes, it does not totally make sense. Almost as if it was merely transliterated instead of actually being thoughtfully constructed by the writer. I apologize if this comes across as an insult. That was not my intention. My point, is that you should try to better develop your sentences so that when these are placed as a unit into one paragraph, the message that you want to convey is clear and understandable. Let me offer some examples of how you can do this below:

Brain power is interchangeably with the advance ...
... be totally deteriorate the way of human think.

Brain power cannot be interchanged with the advance of technology. While we cannot doubt that technology has already altered human life, from the personal issues to the public discussions, I believe that the human mind can never be totally eradicated by technology. Therefore, I am less likely to agree with the argument that technology can diminish the participation of the human mind in its daily activities.

Efficiency takes a huge part ...
... favorably to chat with their WhatsApps or Line account.

Man needs to be efficient in his daily life. That is why he relies mostly on technology these days to accomplish certain tasks. Even for something as simple as computing the total groceries bought, man would rather use a calculator to compute than use a simple pen and paper addition method. Technology has also desensitized man with regards to his surroundings. In Jakarta, adults often opt to chat using their cellphone apps rather than talking to those with them in a line up for services.

On the contrary, technology is not merely harm ...
... and how long the survivor waiting for helps.

Technology does not really harm the way people think. It actually helps people make decisions faster. An example of this will be the way technology helps businessmen make stock market decisions because they can constantly monitor the market from their tablets and mobile phones. The government recently used technology to help count the fatalities during the 2006 tsunami. Without technology, it would be almost impossible to do that.

Having said that, I do agree that ...
... think to solve many problems.

While I do agree that technology might deteriorate some problem solving skills of man, it can never totally deteriorate the analytical thought process of man.

Undergraduate / There are a million and one different things to consider when choosing what college to attend. [3]

Maya, two of your reasons are too similar to be considered 2 different reasons. The fact that your vet attended VT and the visits from the VT alumni both fall under the same category. In fact, the reasons that you chose are not as clear as they should be. This is one time that you should actually use numbers in keeping track of your reasons for wanting to be a Hokie. If you want to do it in numerical order, that would be great! It would be the clearest way to present your reasons and also make it easier for you to keep track of your word count.

You may want to look at the other sample 5 reasons to be a hokie essays here at the forum for some helpful tips and ideas on how to best answer this prompt. Sometimes, the best response, it a combination of different responses combined to create a new and unique response. . You may want to consider some of their reasons and make it your own.

If you want to be very specific and really give responses that you know the reviewer will appreciate, you can do a quick web search using the keywords "reasons to be a Hokie". A plethora of helpful sites will put you either in the mood for a fun look into the world of Hokies, such as 30 Reasons You Are Proud to be a Hokie, or the Top 7 Reasons to Apply to Virginia Tech, located on the very website of the university. If you take a little from each of these sites, you should be able to come up with a an essay that will best represent your top 5 reasons :-)

Undergraduate / A new perspective: Priveleged vs. Unprivileged...PENN STATE Personal Statement [4]

Juhu, the essay you wrote is really very insightful and shows us that you know how to appreciate the gifts that you have received in life. It is admirable that you have chosen to embrace your Indian roots while still keeping the best of the American traits within you. Your melting pot culture definitely did you well in terms of developing your personality and empathy for people. However, I am not sure if that is what the prompt expects of you.

As I progressed with reading your essay, there was one part of the prompt, a very important question that I am sure the reviewer will be constantly remembering and looking for an answer to as well. Where in this whole essay does the connection between your experience and your ability to succeed at Penn State? While you constantly spoke of what you learned during those visits to India, there no single time when you clearly made a connection between India and Penn State. So you will need to work on that.

I also noticed that you have a word count of 500 words or less in this essay as the maximum requirement. Your current essay has 542 words in it. So you need to cut out 142 words in order to meet the maximum word count. I do not doubt that you can meet that requirement since you have to revise the essay for content anyway.

It would be best for you if you can just choose one important event from your visit to India that can help you explain how this proves that you can succeed as a student at Penn State. You do not need to use too many incidents, just one that you know can do the job. I look forward to reading your revision :-)

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch School of the Arts - Review "How We Define Creative Entrepreneur" [4]

Andrew, you are off to a good start with the essay. I can understand why you chose that particular description for yourself. This being only the first paragraph, you can explain what kind of influences have affected your decision to pursue this line of study. I hope though, that you will not concentrate the essay solely on the way other more successful people have run their careers.

In the succeeding paragraphs, try to explain where your early interest in this line came from. Before you learned that celebrities were making their money through branding their names, what made you think that you wanted to do this for yourself? Use that paragraph to set up your succeeding conversations. Make sure to represent yourself with each paragraph.

Create an image for yourself based upon the criteria presented in the video. Always present early evidence of this character within you. It is kind of hard to issue more complex and complete advice based upon your first paragraph alone. So I hope you can go farther with your written work and present to us the first draft when you can. That way we can better assist you in directing the content and focus of your essay.

Just know that you are on the right track with your essay. We are all looking forward to your follow through on it. I for one, am sure it is going to be very interesting to read.

Writing Feedback / What would it take for you to consider your life succesful? [2]

Anna, I can understand why you would like to remain so vague about your ideal life and accomplishments over the next 30 years. After all, nobody can really predict who and what we will be by then. Nobody really knows what the future holds for us. But the vagueness of your answer in the essay, in my opinion, does not really offer an acceptable answer to to the prompt.

When you are applying for college admission, it is always best to represent yourself in a positive manner when asked. More importantly, you should answer each questions with specifics instead of Buddha-like vagueness. When the reviewer looks at your paper, the first think he will ask himself is, "Does this student have the confidence to look forward in time? Does he have the ability to plan his future?" By responding with specifics, you at least let the reviewer know that you do have a life plan for the next 30 years. Whether that life plan changes or not in the future, what is important is that you have an idea of where you want to be and how to achieve it.

That is why the essay asks you to consider how successful you might be in the future and who might be able to help you along the way to that dream. Think about your plans for after college. What is your plan? Get a job, work, achieve success, start a family, take a masters degree, etc. All of those things are part of your 30 year plan. The question is, how do you think you will achieve that? Will your family be able to help you? Any masters degree you plan to complete in the future? In which school? Those will be some of the people who will help you become more successful in your life. These are all plans that you can achieve within 30 years. These are all part of the full picture that will help you consider yourself successful.

In my opinion, you need to analyze your response and redirect it towards more specific responses. I believe that the specifics will better help the reviewer to get to know you as a potential student and successful person.

Writing Feedback / Why We Happy? A proper job brings joy and excitement in human life [2]

Hi Mujahid :-) For starters, let me tell you that the way you restated the prompt was quite good. It was nice to see that you can actually do it within one single sentence. That said, there is a drawback to such type of statements. The main drawback being that you are supposed to have a standard of 3 sentences in the introduction. You can lose points for not following the correct format in writing the paper so please, keep the minimum 3 sentence criteria per paragraph in mind.

That said, your overall discussion is acceptable and offers some pretty valid points that gives the reader an opportunity to consider your statements in relation to their own beliefs. When a paragraph is successfully structured that way, as you did, it creates a sense of logic in the method of thinking in the writer. A plus for you when the examiner reads your paper.

So, you have the structure and content of the paper down pat. All you have to resolve now are the grammar issues. Let me offer you a look at the necessary corrections in your paper.

say that having A nice occupation is the best way to be happier HAPPY

I would argue with others who assume that there are factors which are similarly predominant in human beings.

At least, there are two reasons why AN occupation provides EXCITEMENT AND HAPPINESS feels glad and excite in human life.

fulfill all THE needs of their family.

famous tourist destinationS

Also, if they working IN accordance with their passion.

It is occur with the owners or founders a sort of company. = Not everyone can work as a business owner but they can still be happy with their work. So do not be this specific.

He comes HOME FROM work every day with joy and confidence for success in the future.

that might FILL his life WITH satisfied SATISFACTION with AND happiness

I believe it is not solely A job that makes A person can be happy in their life

Every individual was IS born and raised with different values and experiences

Thus, researchers should measure the happiness with many instruments and variableS because this IT is not always the same perspective as with every individuals and places.

there are some factors that CAN MAKE A HUMAN human can be happy.

Secondly, spend life time with something SPENDING TIME DOING SOMETHING that is really useful to themselves and many people also make those PEOPLE happy.

For exemplify, EXAMPLE,

are the one of the happy SOME OF THE HAPPIEST people in the whole world

bringING people

is the priceless work.

do the job that human enjoy is a factor which could make them happy. DOING A JOB THAT A PERSON ENJOYS IS PART OF HIS HAPPINESS IN LIFE.

BUT I firmly believe that many factors are probably much more predominant and it's variant IT VARIES for every people such as THOSE dedicateD to religion and establishING a happy family.

Writing Feedback / Printed media will never disappear; some factors why people fear about existence of written papers [3]

Irfan, I like the new paragraph that you developed. It has a logical explanation for your support of print media. It allows the reader to understand that the two forms of print media may need to find a way to co-exist. If you read your essay in totality using the new paragraphs that you developed, you will see that the discussion gained more depth and clarity. You should always aim for that in your essays.

While I may oppose your point of view, the way that you developed your discussion called for me to respect your stance on the matter. After all, there are still some old school readers who will never get the hang of electronic media. So print media will always be there somehow to cater to their need for information. You took a nice approach to discussing that point of view.

Your conclusion is in trouble though because you decided to present a new idea at the end. The new idea you presented was that print media gives more sense than electronic media. Where did that thought come from? Why didn't you discuss it as a separate paragraph like I told you to with new ideas before? You know very well it does not belong to the concluding statement. So either you revise your concluding statement or you add another paragraph to your essay. Remember though, the advised length of these exam essays are no more than 5 paragraphs. So be conscious of the time constraint.

Writing Feedback / Fiction-Writing : The story about leaving home for a while [9]

Samuel, the first thing that I noticed upon reading your opening paragraph is that you failed to set up the scene for the reader. There was no background description or emotional basis for the reader to latch on to before or after your first dialogue. I can see the potential for you to develop a very emotional opening scene here. Setting it up properly would have helped you better present the events as it unfolded.

For example, before he says "I'll be back." I would have first described him looking back onto something. Getting melancholic about it and even teary eyed if necessary. I would have described the emotions building up within him before I had him say the words and then had him leave abruptly. Thereby creating the image of a man who did not want to go but had to leave.

Then, I would have made the flashback clearer. It just seemed to have jumped out of nowhere. It just hits the reader in the face. When you are writing a work of fiction, how you set up the scene is even more important than the dialogue. The dialogue tells the reader what is happening, the background setup and action description takes the reader into the story. So you need to pay as much attention to the background and set up as you did to the dialogue.

The ending is also not clear. What exactly is going on there? Perhaps you can better build up the closing scene so that the reader will know that the end is there and why. Why don't you try to rewrite the story and post it here? Maybe it will improve now that you have had some advice. That is the only way we can help you prepare somehow for the upcoming test :-)

Writing Feedback / TASK I : the percentage of the employment by occupation [2]

Aditya, your report overview is really improving. The clarity of thought cannot be mistaken and your understanding fo the chart is quite evident. Due to the longer overview, the report becomes more interesting to read. In fact, the only thing missing in the overview are the digits. However, you are right to hold on to the chart results for the succeeding paragraphs. Good work. Now, let's address the corrections :-) Don't get me wrong, your grammar is improving. SO it is important that you have guidance and examples to follow at this point of your practice and review.

The bar chart describes the percentage of the employment by occupation

In any case, while WHILE the men

administrative and secretarial fieldS than males. - When you mention 2 places, it takes plural form

Regard to man, WITH REGARDS TO MEN, it

they tended to choose active of field jobs.

at 20 percents

showed the superiority of men in THE company OF women, approximately 2%.

the women witnessed that they preferred the jobs related by TO services and administrative ADMINISTRATION

administrative and secretarial OCCUPATIONS became the popular job which they choose.

the same interested

labourers and catering and assistants, by proportion WERE relatively similar AT approximately 12 percent.

Graduate / Essay for Master in Management Study Northwestern University---Contemporary Managerial Issue [5]

Shiyun, you have presented a good description of your interests regarding your field of study. However, I would not have used Google as the example for this essay. You see, Goodle is already a well known case and everyone is already studying it. What I did find interesting was that you had a personal experience in this line of management. As a reviewer, I would be more interested in learning about your practical experience with regards to employee retention issues than learning that you gained an interest in the topic because of a Google case study. So maybe you would like to consider highlighting your personal experience first. After reading your essay, I came to realize that although you mentioned personal experience, you did not really mention what kind of situation regarding employee retention you faced. You may want to mention it instead of the Google case study in order to strengthen the basis of your statement.

If you mean to express the retention issue using your "jump ship" experience, then relate it. Tell the reviewer what happened to you in detail so that he can understand why you chose to use the Game Theory to deal with the situation. Do not lecture the reviewer about this theory. He is at the top of his game with regards to these theories and will not appreciate your lecture. Instead, tell him how you used the game theory in your employee management situation. That way you will detailing how you can quite possibly benefit from MSMS studies.

Rather than telling the reviewer what the brochure told you about the Leadership in Organization class, discuss what kind of leader you hope to become after completing the class instead. That way you will be able to embody your ideal management leader as it applies to your interest in MSMS in the eyes of the reviewer.

Don't concentrate on the grammar errors for now. Concentrate your efforts on making sure that you accurately respond to the prompt first. The grammar always comes last in these application essays. Good grammar is useless if your message and responses to the essay are not clear and strong in the first place.

Writing Feedback / Printed media will never disappear; some factors why people fear about existence of written papers [3]

Irham, I like how you presented your opening statement. It was direct to the point and made me anticipate the coming discussion of your opinion on the matter. However, the succeeding paragraphs failed to do that for me.

You said that nature provided materials for printed books for at least 20 generations. Yet technology to replace the printed materials continue to develop and evolve. People are continuously losing interest in collecting the printed word and opt instead for the electronic word due to its affordability and need for less space. The new and current information regarding a comparison of print and electronic media proves to be a total contradiction to your claims.

Remember that when you write an opinion essay, you need to balance the pro and con, the anti and supporting sides of the discussion. You should balance the discussion here as well. You should at least offer one opinion as to why people believe that print media will not be used for much longer before you present your discussion as to why you believe print media is here to stay. Try to do a little research on the topic if you have to in order to balance the discussion.

Maybe you can try to revise the content of your essay to display a more balanced opinion discussion? One paragraph in support of each stand and then a strong concluding argument will be more than sufficient to create a better balanced essay on your part :-)

Undergraduate / To envision a great space and create an atmosphere to better the overall health and the safety [8]

Car, the first thing you have to address with your essay is the excessive length. An essay like this for FIT is normally just anywhere from 250-500 words. You have 811 words. The rule of thumb for these types of essays is, keep it short, but informative. You went a little overboard at the start of your essay which is why you ended up with an essay that seemed to just go on and on without actually getting to the point until much, much later. This is not the kind of essay that can hold the interest of the reviewer. So how can you edit the essay to make it shorter but informative?

You can start by fixing your response to the question " Why are you interested in the major you are applying to?" My suggestion is that you keep the part about finding yourself bored with what you thought was your dream job. However, cut out the part relating to how you took that online test, etc. It just feels like word filler at this point. Not really helping you to get to the point. Jump directly to the part where you are having coffee and then cut to some childhood memories of helping your mother decorate the room. Then, you realized you were in the wrong career all along. Tell that story from that point on. It gets to to the point of your interest in your major sooner, rather than later.

With regards to how are a perfect candidate for FIT, delete the following portion:

I then started to look into how to become a professional interior designer. Within my search I learned that I had to go to a certified school, study all aspects of interior design and later get my license to be a certified interior designer. Therefore, I searched for the schools in New York City that offered interior design and FIT was number one with the best interior design program in the city

Don't feed the reviewer any information that he already knows, such as the requirements to become an interior designer. He already knows that. He also already knows that their university is the number 1 in its field. Instead, you should be working on promoting yourself as an epitome of a FIT student. Emphasize the learning opportunities and internships that the school offers which you plan to take advantage of. Show a direct relationship between your ambitions and how FIT can help you do that.

By keeping to the point of the prompts and offering direct responses to them, you will be able to create a shorter and more informative personal statement to the reviewer. I believe that your story about job burnout will resonate well with the reviewer and along with that will come an appreciation for your desire to change careers.

I hope that I can have the opportunity to read your revised statement. I am eager to assist you with improving it :-)

Undergraduate / What would you fight for? & Describe yourself, Honors Program Application [6]

Jize, does the fight that you are discussing relate in some way to your chosen college major? If it does, then you are on the right track with your response. However, you need to be a bit more specific towards the end as to how you would fight this on a global scale. Would it be through joining an international group that promotes the use of solar energy? Or perhaps you have an idea for an unlimited alternative power source that can be developed in a lab? Describe why you would fight for the promotion of solar energy. Or tell us why the fight you will start in the lab will reach a global scale. How do you see it making a difference in the world? Just a few more specifics and you should be able to nail that part of the statement already :-)

With regards to your self description, i have a major correction for your 4th one. Please take note of it and apply it to the final copy:

and write (short stories in random topics) to get THE constant flow of imagination out of my chest MIND.

Let me explain why you need to correct that line. The imagination of a person is housed in his mind. In the creativity of the human brain. The human chest only houses the heart. It is not capable of imagination nor creation. All of that happens in the brain , in the mind. Therefore to say that you need to get the constant flow out of your chest is not just grammatically wrong, it is scientifically impossible to to.

The essay is nearing perfection. Just a few more revisions will be necessary at this point. Keep the faith and plug away :-)

Poetry / Poem analysis writting sample for McNair Scholars Application. Grammar and sense check. [2]

Jorge, the work you did is really interesting to read. It has an insightful take on the poem by Frost and uses just the right amount of quotes from it to illustrate your points. There is a simplicity to the way that you wrote the analysis that tells the reader that you were going for an easy to understand type of analysis that would not require the reader to think too deeply about the work. I am sure you got a good grade on this in your English II Composition class. It would have deserved it at the time. However, you are now telling us that you plan to use this same essay to hopefully, help you get a research grant. That is where my admiration for the work you did begins to falter. I find myself wondering if the work is good enough? If I were the person reviewing your application, what would I think of this work? Can it still be brought to a higher level of writing? Those are the questions that I decided to base my advice and comments on. I hope you will be receptive to it :-)

We are now talking at least a masters level degree of analysis within the essay. It has to connote a much deeper understanding and analysis of what Frost may have been thinking or experiencing at the time he wrote the poem. So now, the work that you wrote seems to be, in my opinion, too easy and immature for a more experienced and quite possibly, jaded literature critic / reviewer who will be examining your work.

I am not saying the work is not good because it is. In fact, I see it as becoming the basis of your more advanced analysis of the work by Frost. Try to dig deeper now than just at the parts that you have. Maybe you can review the poem and see how much of your opinion of it has changed since you first wrote this paper. Use those new opinions to update this current work. It should help bring the essay to a much higher level of writing and understanding of the poem.

Again, the original work is very good but as a scholarship sample, I think it has room for improvement. Just so we can be sure that your essay will stand a better chance of getting noticed by the reviewers :-)

Undergraduate / A Reflection Across History [5]

Hi Kevin. Listen, I think you misunderstood the prompt. You are being asked to discuss an event concerning people, not an event concerning a place. So although you made some very logical statements in your essay, it did not properly respond to the prompt. Your deviation from the prompt specifics have rendered your statement useless in your application. You can still save it though. Just turn the dinosaurs into people and reformat your content.

Instead of telling the story about how you felt when looking at the exhibits, why not include the tour guide in the story? If you have a tour guide telling you the information about the dinosaurs and the like, you may be able to make that connection to the prompt asking you to "Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours." In this case, the person will be the tour guide and the different belief, not experience, as neither of you were alive during the time the things on exhibit were alive, will be about how dinosaurs roamed the earth.

You can talk about how the information you learned helped you change the way you viewed yourself as a person and how you learned that while it might be hard for you to do, you need to learn to collaborate with your classmates and friends for one reason or another. By doing this revision to the essay, you won't have to write a totally new essay on the topic. That is, unless you have an interactive experience with a friend or classmate that you can use to better respond to the prompt. Whatever the case, you need to change the way the prompt is written because you did not have any collaborative experience to speak of during the museum visit that could have changed you in a certain way. Remember, the keyword on the essay is people, not mammals, not exhibits. Stick to the prompt requirements as best as you can.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The Internet Has Changed Everything [2]

Hi Muflih, I like the way that you presented your essay. You managed to put across both the good and the bad, the positive and the negative of the internet and its existence over the past 30 years of human life. It is a balance look that shows how well you understand the prompt and can manage to get your thoughts across to the reader. However, your conclusion was too short. That is always a common problem when writing a conclusion. Let me give you a little tip about how to better write a conclusion.

1. Summarize your thesis and discussion.
2. Repeat your stand.

Those 2 points normally cover the standard 3 sentence conclusion requirement.

Now for some grammatical corrections:

Life in nowadays IS MUCH EASIER more easily thanks to the internet.

without it our life will be contrary DIFFERENT

our society lives D closely

They spend T TOO much time to talkING TO each other directly

In addition, the crime rate before and after the internet created increased dramatically,

the internet causeS an addiction

There is a high number of the internet users have addicted to the internet

However, t The internet has changed everything.

At the present time , the internet becomes IS the first choice when human beings will do anything.

Such as studying, the Students ARE more likely to open the internet than the book.

find the same information in the book, but different cover. ONLY FASTER

that the internet IS more interesting than the book.

Another reason is it changeD the way people communicate,

, before internet exists ,

people more hardly to communicate with one another,

-----

This is a very thorough discussion of the topic. Good work :-)

Writing Feedback / Career preparation, increasing knowledge and exploring new experiences; why people attend university [5]

Bui, you present some pretty solid supporting statements in your essay. You also managed to present your thesis restatement in a not so obvious way as it went directly into mentioning the reasons that you believe people attend college. That is good work on your part. It shows that you are able to find similarities between the prompt and your ideas which can help create a more interesting statement.

All 3 of your reasons are sound and easily acceptable as they are all based upon commonly known information and reasons for attending college. However, in the last part of your essay, where you talk about going to Ho Chih Minh, I think you were not able to complete your thought in relation to the new experience that you had while living in the city to attend college. If you can just complete that paragraph, it will be quite useful. Remember, reviewers always consider the personal references in an essay because it further enhances their understanding of your English abilities. If you can understand the question and relate an answer in a simple, if not so grammatically correct response, then you will have passed a big part of the test.

Try not to use a numbering system in your presentation of topics. Just talk about the reasons directly. That way the essay will not seem to come abruptly to an end when you present your last reason going into your concluding statement. The examiner can follow your train of thought very well anyway. All your topics are discussed in a clear manner.

Your conclusion is the weakest part of your essay. It is too short with only one short and one extra long line representing it. A conclusion, like all other parts of your essay, needs to be composed of at least 3 sentences in order to be deemed acceptable. Maybe some simple rephrasing of the conclusion will help fix that problem. Sometimes, all the 3rd sentence needs is a restatement of your position on the topic.

Scholarship / Study plan for a BSc course KGSP-2016. I want to be a entrepreneur. [3]

Alif, in section A, you dealt with everything related to your "before" enrolling in the college course. What about the after? Maybe you should think about the time when you are already proficient to the point of being a native speaker in Korean after 5 years and discuss how you see the Korean language helping you to assimilate into the Korean environment. Maybe say you plan to stay in Korea for a few years after graduation so you can "give back" to the country that has given you so much by supporting your studies. Consider volunteering or working at a Korean language center after graduation to help other students, tourists, etc. That could be a nice "after" project don't yoe think?

I think that rather than saying you will" make some Korean friends, if possible", you should instead say "I will make it a priority to make Korean friends in order to help me practice my written and spoken Korean skills." That sounds more impressive and dedicated when compared to a statement ending with "if possible."

As for the academic goals, now is the time for your to decide which university best represents your interests in computer science and which one will be able to best help you achieve your future ambitions. Look for the university that has study programs that are geared towards knowledge and skill development whenever possible. I am sure one of these universities will stand out for you based on their computer science curriculum.

I don't really see the timeline of your education represented in the response. I think you should develop one, even if only temporary, in order to meet the prompt requirements. Whether you complete your studies within the schedule you gave or not should not really matter, as long as you don't stay longer than 5 years in college since that is the typical length of study in Korea. So we are looking at creating an attainable 5 year academic plan here. Base the plan upon the academic outline of the university you have chosen. If you haven't chosen a university yet, it will be difficult for you to complete this part.

The plan for the non profit institution in Bangladesh is a good one. I think you should develop that further. If you can develop a plan for that which will sound effective and achievable, you won't need to come up with other plans for the future part of the response.

I realize this is a work in progress. I hope my suggestions will be able to help you further develop your response plan. Good luck :-)

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship Follow- Up Project Essay. Just answered ques.; needs more depth and gram. check [3]

Hi Taryn, I think you weren't able to post the complete question and answer list in your thread. Either that or you want us to help you develop an answer to that question? I'm not really sure what happened there. Anyway, about the parts that were completed, I've got a few suggestions that I hope will be able to help you better present your ideas as a semester project.

Instead of calling your collection of drawing a journal, I think you should call it a comic book instead. The reason I suggest the change in terms is because a journal usually houses only personal thoughts, musings, and experiences that are not meant to be shared with others. However, in a comic book form, you get to accomplish your goal of sharing your adventures and travel tips with the community. Have you given any thought to creating a digital comic book on your university server? I think it will be more accessible and useful to the students and the International Program Center that way. It avoids printing costs and can continuously be added to over the semester for further improvement.

Can you add a written portion to your journal? One that will be accompanied by a single, strong illustration that embodies the unforgettable experience you wrote about? It can be like the cover page of your comic. It will help in integrating the impact of your experience with the project. You don't need too many significant events, just one that you carry with your till now from that adventure in Japan.

Oh, before I forget, you have to format the response in essay form separated by topic paragraphs. Don't forget. The prompt doesn't want you to present your answer in number format as you have it now. I look forward to seeing your improvements to your proposal :-)

Writing Feedback / The New Zealand people are quite satisfied with proportion of the shops and restaurants [2]

Aditya, you managed present a good overview. Your reporting skills have been improving and I can tell that you have been reviewing the other reports here and using them as samples for your current work. That is a very good learning method. The most improvement in your writing skills can be gained from following the examples of the other participants here and learning from the advice that they receive. That said, I'd like to call your attention to some of the corrected errors in your report.

The table and diagram describe the proportion of survey RESULTS THAT determine the level of CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IN a NEW shopping

Overall, what stands out from the shops and restaurant SURVEYS show the percentage of RESULTS in each item HIGHLY VARIES.
- At this point, you should already start presenting some report figures based upon the chart. An overview would have sufficed.

Turning to the shops, the male is more satisfied by the appearance displayed than female.
- As per what data?

Besides, while solely 17% of men are very satisfied, the women show the double figure than men, at more than a third. Interestingly, the figure of dissatisfied witness a similar percentage.

- Incomplete figures. You need to always present the complete numbers from the chart. Where do you expect the reader to get the information about the numbers if not from your report?

In terms OF THE MALL design

new-zealand people NEW ZEALANDERS

ARE quite satisfied with A proportion OF more than a half

Scholarship / My Motivations is Study abroad and Significant Experience - Personal Statement KGSP [8]

Well, that could serve as one academic goal for you. You said the school has 4 visions. Do you share these visions with the school? Why don't you look into how those visions could help you achieve your goals also? It isn't really hard to come up with an academic plan. However, you need to know how you want to conduct the next 4 years of your academic life and then the next 5 years after that. All of those plans are considered goals that are tied together in one plan.

Now that you know the vision of Korean University, why don't you examine your own vision for your professional career? Is that the direction you want to head into? Can you see yourself achieving your full potential at the school based upon the perceived requirements for the course? How do you think the KGSP scholarship can help you stay on track at the university in order to meet the university and course requirements?

Try to think of your vision for your academic life in Korea. What do you hope to learn from the university and their professors? How do you plan to gain experience in the Korean business community while you are there? Are there any specific business administration programs or internships at the university that you hope to participate in so that you can train with the best people in the Korean business world?

Once you find that you have answered all of those questions, then you will be able to formulate the correct academic goal for yourself. I wish you the best while you draft that plan of yours :-)

Writing Feedback / Writing a letter requesting for the accommodation - Ielts Task 1: GT [3]

Pradeep, the letter that you wrote lacks a tremendous amount of information for the property agent. Please, allow me to provide you with an example of this letter that you can use when you revise your own version. The sample is as follows:

Dear Ms./Mr. XXX,

I am Pradeep X. I am looking for a house to rent for the next 5 years in the area of Sydney, Australia, possibly near the city's business district. I currently work with the Indian Oil Company and we will be bringing our operations to your country in next year. As part of the founding team that will set up the office, I need to be relocated with my family from Mumbai to Sydney within 3 months.

My family and I will need an open concept bungalow house that includes 4 rooms, at least 2 bathrooms, a two car garage, and a reasonably sized yard for my son and daughter to play in. Our budget for the rent is 4 thousand Australian dollars a month. We would like the area to be close to schools and the town center if possible.

I realize that you will need more information from me regarding my family's needs so please, feel free to email me at this address: as@google.mail. for further information. Please feel free to send your property listing at any time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you.

Pradeep X

I hope my sample can help you revise your letter :-)

Scholarship / My Motivations is Study abroad and Significant Experience - Personal Statement KGSP [8]

This will require some research on your part. You will need to do an online search about the university that you want to attend and study their student criteria. What do they look for in their typical student? How do you think you fit into that academic field?Some universities have specific missions and objectives in mind for their students. So you have to study the background of each university and choose which one you think aligns most with your academic, social, and civic interests.

If you are looking to become a CEO in the future, then you will want to look into universities that offer relevant internships, classes, projects, etc. that can help you prepare for this field. I am not sure which of the universities will offer the program that you will be interested in. You have time to choose. Once you have chosen a university based on their academic offerings, then you can create your academic plan.

Take your time in choosing your school, make sure that they offer you the kind of business education that you are looking for. That is why you create an academic plan. You have 3 choices at the moment. Pick the school that is closest to your academic interests and can help you launch your business career in the future. That is how you create an academic plan :-)

Please, feel free to ask more clarification questions if you need to. I'll be happy to guide you.

Writing Feedback / The mass media affected people's society bigger than another - even more than politicians [5]

The question basically was, who has more influence over people? The internet, TV, or politicians? Which one do you choose and why? So the prompt asked you to pick one and defend it. Instead you chose to compare all 3 without really making a definite choice about which one you believe to be the more influential of the 3 in the lives of people.

All 3 of them have an effect on people's lives, nobody will say that is wrong. The argument then becomes, "Who do the people listen to the most and why?" If you say the people listen to the internet as a source of news and influence then explain why. If you think it is politicians, then explain why. You can't say they all influence the people equally because the prompt already asked you to choose which one influences the people "the most". That means the greatest influence. Who do the people listen to and believe without question? That is what the prompt is asking you to consider and discuss.

The discussion you made left the final decision up to the reader. You only presented various sides of the issues without taking a side. So you failed to respond to the prompt. This was not a comparison essay. This was a "defend your choice" essay. Do you understand what I am trying to explain now? Please let me know if you don't I'll do my best to hep you understand :-)

Scholarship / "The acting" - Super general prompt ("Describe A Meaningful Experience") essay for national merit! [4]

I've read the whole essay and I believe that it needs to be edited. It has to be edited for length and content. It is too long for a meaningful experience essay. An essay like this is completed with a maximum of 500 words. You have 617. Way over the limit by 117 words. The reason? You often strayed from the focus of the prompt and offered space to classmates and friends who are not really relevant to your experience.

What this essay is supposed to discuss, is the way you grew as a person when you became part of the theater group. It was fine that you shared the background of the group and the story of the presentation. However, you need to cut back on most of those parts and concentrate on your position as the stage manager. That is the meaningful experience for you in this essay. Nothing more.

So go back to the draft and edit the content. Revise it to present the experience that you had a stage manager. The troubles you had to deal with, the perks that came with it, and how you found yourself becoming a more mature and responsible person because of it. The latter part of this essay does it quite well. So your editing job should be limited to the middle part of the essay where you talk about the presentations, rehearsals, etc. Most specially, cut out the portion about the girl who would have been socially isolated if not for the play. Those are irrelevant to your meaningful experience.

I would suggest that you tell the story of some obstacle you had to overcome as a manager instead. Such a story would definitely show, not only the meaningful experience, but also the way you learned how to deal with stress and pressure, which you will have a lot of once you enter college. The reviewer may want to take note of that in your application.

Student Talk / O level English result - what are the criteria? [11]

Hi there! You've come to the right place :-) We can definitely help you prepare for your English O tests here. However, we cannot just do it by giving you tips. We first need to know how we can help you. So we will need to see copies of your essays, with the prompts included. We can help you starting with those.

Essay writing is the best way to improve your English speaking and writing skills. It provides you with an opportunity to improve your speed reading, comprehension skills, editing, summary skills, and others. Since you have already done some practice tests, you can post them here, one at a time and we can help you review your weak points.

How long do you have before your tests? We won't promise overnight improvement nor success in your test results. What we can promise you is that we will help you prepare the test as best as we can. Start with the essays, then we can work our way up to the letter writing. Take your lowest score papers, those will be the best for us to analyze and advice on :-)

Scholarship / My Motivations is Study abroad and Significant Experience - Personal Statement KGSP [8]

Nira, since you are applying for a Korean scholarship grant, I think it would be in your best interest to concentrate solely on learning the Korean language to the point of native proficiency. The reason for that is simple. Under the scholarship you are applying for, the Korean government will shoulder the costs of 1 year language classes and then sponsor some additional studies related to learning the language. So, it would be best not to muddle the issue with English and other languages. Just explain, as best as you can, why you think learning Korean will be of a huge benefit to you once you become a professional.

During the middle ages I have an experience serving as class room leader.
- I sincerely hope you mean high school. The middle ages were centuries ago :-) Please change the term to something more appropriate. Like Middle School or high school.

Choose only one university to attend. The scholarship will not send you to all 3 schools. Choose the one you like best and build your academic plans around the objectives of that university. You cannot tell the reviewer that you plan to attend all 3 schools. You cannot do that. You can only attend one school at a time. He needs to know which school you will commit to. This is not something you can change your mind about. You have to commit to a school.

Have a more realistic career goal. You will not get a job as a CEO unless you start your own business and give yourself the title. You will always start at a rank and file or junior management position. You will need to rethink and replan your career goals leading up to your becoming a CEO.

There are really numerous grammatical errors in this essay but I do not want to address it until we have constructed the correct responses for the prompts. I'll help you clean it up when the time is right :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The tables and pie chart survey in New Zealand's new shopping facilities [2]

Bayu, Good work. There were a few times when your thoughts were not so clear so I decided to rewrite those for you. I hope it helps :-)

percentages of satisfactions survey satisfaction survey percentages

Overall, it can be seen that most visitors are satisfied in three survey categories.

the result ofthe survey

the female shoppers tend to take pleasure in shopping at approximately 37% in survey.
37 percent of females tended to take pleasure in shopping

There are a similar number of very satisfied male and female visitors in the restaurants survey at around 25% and 27% respectively.
Male and female visitors to the restaurants were very satisfied at 25% and 27 % respectively.

Turns out to shopping complex complains, there are few customers who has dissatisfaction with the shops category around one in fifth in both genders
- As per shopper complaints, every one in fifth representing both genders were dissatisfied with the shops
- Note your language, when writing a report, always use formal English. Don't use relaxed terms like "Turns out"

the female sector has seensaw the highest unpleasant percentages at 21%.

the concept of that shopping complex only had 10% complaint from the customer.
-only 10 % of customers complained about the concept of the shopping complex.

Undergraduate / What would you fight for? & Describe yourself, Honors Program Application [6]

Definitely a bad idea Jize. The first reason that it is a bad idea is because you are talking about a country centered battle only. Only the United States requires SAT scores for their college applicants. Second, the SAT tests do not affect the world in any manner. So why are you going to fight it on a global level? Third, I'm not really sure it can relate directly to the lack of moral values.

Why don't you fight for the restoration of respect for one another instead? That way you can discuss a battle for moral values on a global level. Perhaps center your discussion upon the warring countries such as Iran and Iraq. How would you help in the international effort to bring peace to the warring states? It is here that you can say you are fighting an important global fight. Or maybe you can think of something else. Mine is just a sample.

Your replacement for the current number 2 line is good. I think you can use it effectively. Just remember to complete the thought. I am not sure what embarrassing thing you can diffuse with your humor because you did not complete the sentence :-)

Graduate / Trying Out Different Possibilities and Finding My Future Path - Northwestern University essay [3]

Shiyun, first up, it was the prompt questions that you had to place at the top of your essay page. Not a creative title for the essay that you developed. So you need to remove your title and place the prompt questions instead in bold letters.

- Do not stray from the topic. The prompt clearly asks you to discuss only your undergraduate years. Any reference to activities or thoughts prior to that is unacceptable and will affect the reviewer's opinion of your essay.

The essay is pretty much balanced between your academic and personal development. So aside from the portion that I am advising you to edit, I think your essay will be ready to use in no time :-)