Undergraduate / I had just moved to Canada a few weeks ago; How you overcame a challenge... [5]


Their lifestyle was so different to what I used to lead in my homeland.


I was so confused and depressed.


This culture shock kept my appetite and concentration away from me.


.... both these paras describe the attempts you made in order to get rid of your depression. So have them all in one para.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: People with Certain Talent VS Not Having a Certain Talent [4]

According to researchers, innate ability is unique infor every person


This is not clear :( In what way practice can be worked? Since this is your introduction you need to introduce the issue more clearly to the reader. So, be a bit more specific.


...." inborn talents " is a better phrase for this idea.


More importantly, those who are not born with such talents cannot perform those task satisfactorily. How about singing? There is no point in training if you don't have an inborn talent for singing.

Undergraduate / My only task was to get good grades; UW Madison [6]

Ever since iI was a freshmen, my only task was tito have good grades, but iI wasn't the type of student every teacher expects to be. In fact my grades weren't good, i was the type of person who doesn't care about school.and I didn't care about the school seriously.

Careful with your spellings. Proof read before you submit :)

Scholarship / Scholarship:What's the biggest challenge for women in business and solution? [3]


....
... who batch topped at the prestigious University of Pennsylvania with a degree in economics.
Due to her great credentials and intelligence, she was hired intoby a lucrative investment banking firm of Goldman Sachs.


With her hard work, commitment, determination she kept climbing the hierarchical ladder and finally was offered a leading finance associate position in the firm.

Writing Feedback / University plays a responsibility to deliver knowledge which is useful in the workplace [3]


Well, this is going out of topic. Your prompt is simply about whether universities should focus on providing only subject knowledge or the knowledge & skills that are required at workplaces. This talks about why students intend to study at universities. Do not let your writing deviate from what your prompt requires.


University plays a role / University holds a responsibility

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The main function of a university [4]


What specific knowledge? Academic or work related? This sounds too vague.


Personally, I agree that university education should prepare graduates with related workplace knowledge and skills.


This has no meaningful contribution to your position on the argument. I think it is better you take this sentence off from the introduction. It is always better to conclude the introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion on the argument.

Writing Feedback / Children under drug influences and solutions [4]


In conclusion, the drugs have always been a serious threat to our society, and the younger generation in particular, during the last hundred years. Therefore it is important to ask these questions ;


This line has several grammar issues and lacks clarity too. You need to rephrase it.

Undergraduate / Unpaid Internship at an NGO; USC- Extracurricular activities or work experience [5]


My most recent work experience was working as a voluntary intern for a NGO called Green Lifestyles Network.


The objective of this NGO was to promote and build awareness about environment friendly lifestyle.
As an intern, I started had to start from the bottoma scratchwithout much say in any matter.

Writing Feedback / Road accidents claim too many lives. What can governments and individuals do to reduce it? [9]

... thanks :)


You need to introduce the topic first.

Undergraduate / Cornell College (Mount Vernon, IA) Supplemental essays (why apply & passion) [6]


Oh.... ok, now I get what you meant :)


I would discover myself as a person having a great potential to succeed in her UN career through her broad understanding about world matters.
Is it giving the idea you wanted to convey? Or still needs improvement?

Undergraduate / How do you plan to get the most out of your undergraduate education at Victoria College? [2]


First of all, I intend to have nearly 100% class attendance.


... I feel it's better to remove the first line because it sounds too personal and does not contribute to your essay prompt in a big way.

Even though it may be possible to pass examinations by self studying, I believe these classes would provide a more advance focus on studies in both academic and practical perspectives.


I also intend to gain a rich exposure by interacting and networking with Victoria's smart students, professors and other staff who could guide me through the right path.

Undergraduate / LGBT people - Why Davidson? 'Davidson and I have the same values' [3]

I think it is also good to talk about how Davidson would help you with your specific academic goals and aspirations. You talk a lot about Davidson's features, which is very good. However, show them how you are going to make use of them to achieve your personal goals. For that you need to mention about your goals and aspirations too.

Scholarship / Global30 scholarship in Japan - academic needs/professional goals [4]


If someone asks me what I want to be, my immediate answer is that I want to be a lawyer.


... I don't find much contribution by this sentence to your essay. I like you to remove it :( Instead, you should have said what inspired you to become a lawyer.


Tell why you think Nagoya University is the place for you to have your dreams realized, talk about its features that help you achieve your goals.

Research Papers / The DISLIKES of Social Media. RESEARCH PAPER IN NEED OF PEER REVIEW [3]


When you look at these three sentences, you can see that the first two ideas have a closer connection than the second and the third. So, connect the first and second and have the third separated;

Social media has become a big part of our lives today and almost everything we are involved with has got something to do with social media networks. However, social media can also have negative effects on society.

Undergraduate / Cornell College (Mount Vernon, IA) Supplemental essays (why apply & passion) [6]

I would discover myself as a person who has a great potential to success succeed in her UN career and be appreciated by the society in a big picture.way


Since I was ten, at every breakfast, I've been giving a random stare at the world map that hangs on the wall next to our dining table.


With that I learned where the Galapagos Islands are located and wondered why African countries had straight borderlines.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Non-exam subject that should be compulsory in curriculum [2]

Your body paras need improvement. First tell the reason why you hold that opinion. And then support your reason with a specific example. I don't find them here. You should justify your opinion in the body paras!

Read these sample essays to get an idea of this structure.

Writing Feedback / Where do you want to live? traditional vs modern - 'health environment choice' [21]


That's not a problem. Do not use it several times in one sentence :) ... However, as Pahan said, do not use inappropriate synonyms because it may give a total different impression ruining your sentence.


... Another bad usage of synonyms.


I agree with Gabriella. Read your prompt carefully and try to align everything you write with it.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 : Importance of studying history [5]

No, I don't say it is irrelevant. However, your topic is a general one that includes everybody irrespective or age or gender difference. So, when you give reasons to justify your position in the argument, you shouldn't harm its, I mean your prompt's, original sense. Hope you got my point. For example;

Studying history helps broaden people's perspectives and relieve them from certain prejudices and biases. Such people would not be misled by media propaganda. For example, the children who learn history in school would know the roots of world conflicts and they would not be carried away by various fabricated stories that media broadcasts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Some educationalists argue about arts-based subject. [5]


This is a too complicated hook and I feel it has little relevance to your topic. So it does not provide an interesting entrance to your essay :(


.... grammar issue :(


... Well, you have several ideas here that do not connect well with each other. Do not complicate your sentences. Write short sentences and arrange a better flow.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Art subject can be accepted as compulsory subject if it brings positive role for students [4]

Nowadays, some pupils are not confident to express their feeling about something (no comma)includeincluding their arguments .


....wrong grammar :(
You need to rephrase this sentence. I think Pahan has suggested you a good structure for the intro.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan supplemental essay #1; Community of dedicated volunteers. [2]

CommutingWhile commuting by a rickshaw one day, I saw a woman in rags squatting in front of a drainage channel.


her rags which looked so old


....This tends to confuse the reader. Better tell what she did with her hands here itself rather than going to the next sentence in order to avoid this confusion

Writing Feedback / Task 2 : Importance of studying history [5]

Studying of history requires a lot of investigations and interpretations.


Here you particularly pick up children which is not actually a part of your prompt. That is not an issue if you cited them in your examples. However, you reasoning should sound more general in order to keep your writing more with the prompt.

Good writing :) Hope you managed time too :)

Writing Feedback / Moving to a new place is always challenging - you have to adapt quickly. [5]

In my opinion I would prefer to move in search of new places as it is challenging and adventurous.
It is challenging because you have to adapt quickly to a new environment.


You would meet new people with diverse backgrounds.


Here the reader finds too much repetition :(

Writing Feedback / Today's fast paced and busy life demands quicker and easier food preparing methods [3]

Your essay seems to be very short. Also it needs to follow a good structure.

Scholarship / My degree and community - Mastercard Foundation Scholars application essays. [4]

Well, I feel you need to give more focus to your own personal study and career objectives. At least you should talk about them first and then show them how your career objective would benefit your community and the nation. Tell them what you plan to study and how it would help you with your career goals. Be more specific.

Writing Feedback / Robert Pattinson is for me the best actor around the world [5]

This thread should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum. According to EF rules you should open your new threads in the most appropriate essay forum and it also helps you earn more meaningful feedbacks. This has been moved from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback.

Entertainer has a very difficult job to make people get involved with them.
Entertainer's task is pretty difficult because it is not easy to make people happy and enthusiastic.


Be him a singer, comedian, actor or dancer, he needs to put lots of efforts and thoughts, of course together with his born talents, in performing his job.

Undergraduate / My life's passion is to repair the damage on earth created by humans; Purdue - life goals [4]


My lifelong passion is to repair the damage caused by humans on our earth.


First introduce your interest in renewable energy by linking your passion and what you aim to do to save the earth, Then tell about the degree program.


Yes and No both :D Yes, there are points to answer the prompt, but you need to elaborate a bit more on them. Talk about specific features of the program that Purdue offer and how they can help you achieve your goals.

Writing Feedback / People need fight against unfairness of authorities decision and protect themselves from its results [5]

Hi
You should have opened this thread in "Writing Feedback" forum which is the most appropriate forum for this type of essays. (I moved it from Graduate forum to Writing Feedback). It is a forum rule and also it would help you earn more feedbacks. Also, include the purpose of writing (e.g. IETLS, TOEFL etc.) in the title itself so that others would be able to provide more task related comments.

Writing Feedback / Society advances most when people break from the traditions of their predecessors. [3]

The only thing that can still help maintain the cultural identity of a community is its tradition.traditions.


.... This question is not clear to me. I think you should rephrase this line :(
First, everything that has ever been created in a community all cultural, spiritual and material values ​​, is based on the traditions of this group of people.

What group of people? You tend to make very complicated sentences for very simple ideas. That's not a very good way. Clarity comes before everything else and you need to present your ideas more clearly to the reader :(

Undergraduate / I was born in the Dominican Republic; Boston University -- General Studies [3]

None of these things matter for your answer to "Why BU is a good fit?"
You need to talk about your future goals and how BU would help you achieve them. Do a bit of research on BU and find its features that are aligned with your academic aspirations and goals. This is not at all aligned with what your prompt requests you to write about.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Resist change or Welcome change? [6]

Yes, that's my approach :) Anyways, hope this structure would help you too (this is for Agree/ Disagree or Discuss both views types - but you can take some hints from that for all essays)

Graduate / short statement for financial aid [2]

Well, if the objective of writing this is to obtain financial aid, you should give more focus to that aspect. It is only mentioned at the end and there is no such strong reason as to convince them why you need financial aid from them. I have no idea about the context of this particular program, but I feel you do not adequately convince them that you should get their financial aid for your studies.

Graduate / I seek to join the University of Birmingham; SOP -Ms in International Economic [4]

Well, here's a guideline for you to construct a SOP. See whether your SOP is aligned enough with it;
1)Background, 2)Development of interest 3)Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education 4)Future goals 5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals and then a final summary.

Undergraduate / I was not pressured to go to college; UT:Statement of purpose essay [5]


My parents being high school dropouts, I was never pressured to study by my parents.


If this topic ever came up, I would tell others that I wish to help my father with his business rather than pursuing higher studies.


... connect this idea to the previous one;
However, the senior year in high school provided me with an eye-opening.


Your sentences seem to be detached a bit. You need to connect them to have a smooth flow of ideas.

Undergraduate / "Why are you taking art history?"; UT-Austin Transfer [5]

I've wanted to be a longhorn everyever since I first stepped foot onto the campus about six years ago with my brother who attends currently attends UT.

Well, this is the guideline admission2012 provides others for the SOP and I think that's pretty good. Check how well your response is aligned with that;

1)Background
2)Development of interest
3)Initial pursuit of interest(Research/Education)
4)Future goals
5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals
6) final summary.

Undergraduate / 'A challenge only becomes an obstacle when you bow to it' - Essay for UBC [3]


You have only 200 words to talk about this significant challenge. So I think you should not waste words talking these general stuff. Instead it is better you talk about the challenge and how you took it up, the results and what you learned out of it.


When I was in middle school, there was once a speech contest which became very popular and almost every student dreamed of winning the first place and the price.

Undergraduate / Being raised and educated in a different country; Diversity [3]


First you say that you see the differences of education in different countries and then you say that you've heard about the difference of American education system. It sounds a bit contradictory.

Well, I also feel you are going a bit out of topic. You need to deal with this point;


You need to have more focus on yourself and not on different education systems.

Undergraduate / Memory of my last day of high school; U Washington Personal Statement (Transfer) Summer 14 [2]

My first kiss, my first school dance and my first apartment are all half-remembered dreams to me now because they did nothing more than cement who I was in a moment

... well ...."cement"? I feel it's a bit of an awkward usage. I feel it disturbs your idea being conveyed smoothly :(


, but it is the last day of school that was instrumental in shaping me into the person who I am for the rest of my life.

Writing Feedback / Memorable day in my entire life! [5]


... This has some grammar issues. Also, try to avoid using numbers in essay writing.
I have spent lots of vacations in my life, but only a few of them have been able to make lasting memories for me. Two years ago, a friend of mine rang me and said "we are planning to travel in Khozestan, a city of south Iran.


Train was our mode of transportation for the journey because its advantages over other options of transportation.

Writing Feedback / One Official international Language or more languages? [6]


You should have started with a better hook.
Language place an important part in any society.
Then the background of your topic;
Some people believe that the world should have one single official language across the world while others view there should be more than one such official language.

Now the opinion;
Both these views have their own merits and demerits. However, I believe on official international language would have more benefits in contrast to having several such languages.