Scholarship / "The acting" - Super general prompt ("Describe A Meaningful Experience") essay for national merit! [4]

I've read the whole essay and I believe that it needs to be edited. It has to be edited for length and content. It is too long for a meaningful experience essay. An essay like this is completed with a maximum of 500 words. You have 617. Way over the limit by 117 words. The reason? You often strayed from the focus of the prompt and offered space to classmates and friends who are not really relevant to your experience.

What this essay is supposed to discuss, is the way you grew as a person when you became part of the theater group. It was fine that you shared the background of the group and the story of the presentation. However, you need to cut back on most of those parts and concentrate on your position as the stage manager. That is the meaningful experience for you in this essay. Nothing more.

So go back to the draft and edit the content. Revise it to present the experience that you had a stage manager. The troubles you had to deal with, the perks that came with it, and how you found yourself becoming a more mature and responsible person because of it. The latter part of this essay does it quite well. So your editing job should be limited to the middle part of the essay where you talk about the presentations, rehearsals, etc. Most specially, cut out the portion about the girl who would have been socially isolated if not for the play. Those are irrelevant to your meaningful experience.

I would suggest that you tell the story of some obstacle you had to overcome as a manager instead. Such a story would definitely show, not only the meaningful experience, but also the way you learned how to deal with stress and pressure, which you will have a lot of once you enter college. The reviewer may want to take note of that in your application.

Student Talk / O level English result - what are the criteria? [11]

Hi there! You've come to the right place :-) We can definitely help you prepare for your English O tests here. However, we cannot just do it by giving you tips. We first need to know how we can help you. So we will need to see copies of your essays, with the prompts included. We can help you starting with those.

Essay writing is the best way to improve your English speaking and writing skills. It provides you with an opportunity to improve your speed reading, comprehension skills, editing, summary skills, and others. Since you have already done some practice tests, you can post them here, one at a time and we can help you review your weak points.

How long do you have before your tests? We won't promise overnight improvement nor success in your test results. What we can promise you is that we will help you prepare the test as best as we can. Start with the essays, then we can work our way up to the letter writing. Take your lowest score papers, those will be the best for us to analyze and advice on :-)

Scholarship / My Motivations is Study abroad and Significant Experience - Personal Statement KGSP [8]

Nira, since you are applying for a Korean scholarship grant, I think it would be in your best interest to concentrate solely on learning the Korean language to the point of native proficiency. The reason for that is simple. Under the scholarship you are applying for, the Korean government will shoulder the costs of 1 year language classes and then sponsor some additional studies related to learning the language. So, it would be best not to muddle the issue with English and other languages. Just explain, as best as you can, why you think learning Korean will be of a huge benefit to you once you become a professional.

During the middle ages I have an experience serving as class room leader.
- I sincerely hope you mean high school. The middle ages were centuries ago :-) Please change the term to something more appropriate. Like Middle School or high school.

Choose only one university to attend. The scholarship will not send you to all 3 schools. Choose the one you like best and build your academic plans around the objectives of that university. You cannot tell the reviewer that you plan to attend all 3 schools. You cannot do that. You can only attend one school at a time. He needs to know which school you will commit to. This is not something you can change your mind about. You have to commit to a school.

Have a more realistic career goal. You will not get a job as a CEO unless you start your own business and give yourself the title. You will always start at a rank and file or junior management position. You will need to rethink and replan your career goals leading up to your becoming a CEO.

There are really numerous grammatical errors in this essay but I do not want to address it until we have constructed the correct responses for the prompts. I'll help you clean it up when the time is right :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The tables and pie chart survey in New Zealand's new shopping facilities [2]

Bayu, Good work. There were a few times when your thoughts were not so clear so I decided to rewrite those for you. I hope it helps :-)

percentages of satisfactions survey satisfaction survey percentages

Overall, it can be seen that most visitors are satisfied in three survey categories.

the result ofthe survey

the female shoppers tend to take pleasure in shopping at approximately 37% in survey.
37 percent of females tended to take pleasure in shopping

There are a similar number of very satisfied male and female visitors in the restaurants survey at around 25% and 27% respectively.
Male and female visitors to the restaurants were very satisfied at 25% and 27 % respectively.

Turns out to shopping complex complains, there are few customers who has dissatisfaction with the shops category around one in fifth in both genders
- As per shopper complaints, every one in fifth representing both genders were dissatisfied with the shops
- Note your language, when writing a report, always use formal English. Don't use relaxed terms like "Turns out"

the female sector has seensaw the highest unpleasant percentages at 21%.

the concept of that shopping complex only had 10% complaint from the customer.
-only 10 % of customers complained about the concept of the shopping complex.

Undergraduate / What would you fight for? & Describe yourself, Honors Program Application [6]

Definitely a bad idea Jize. The first reason that it is a bad idea is because you are talking about a country centered battle only. Only the United States requires SAT scores for their college applicants. Second, the SAT tests do not affect the world in any manner. So why are you going to fight it on a global level? Third, I'm not really sure it can relate directly to the lack of moral values.

Why don't you fight for the restoration of respect for one another instead? That way you can discuss a battle for moral values on a global level. Perhaps center your discussion upon the warring countries such as Iran and Iraq. How would you help in the international effort to bring peace to the warring states? It is here that you can say you are fighting an important global fight. Or maybe you can think of something else. Mine is just a sample.

Your replacement for the current number 2 line is good. I think you can use it effectively. Just remember to complete the thought. I am not sure what embarrassing thing you can diffuse with your humor because you did not complete the sentence :-)

Graduate / Trying Out Different Possibilities and Finding My Future Path - Northwestern University essay [3]

Shiyun, first up, it was the prompt questions that you had to place at the top of your essay page. Not a creative title for the essay that you developed. So you need to remove your title and place the prompt questions instead in bold letters.

- Do not stray from the topic. The prompt clearly asks you to discuss only your undergraduate years. Any reference to activities or thoughts prior to that is unacceptable and will affect the reviewer's opinion of your essay.

The essay is pretty much balanced between your academic and personal development. So aside from the portion that I am advising you to edit, I think your essay will be ready to use in no time :-)

Undergraduate / What would you fight for? & Describe yourself, Honors Program Application [6]

Jize, passing the SAT is not one of the world's greatest fights. In fact, it is limited only the United States. So while, I can understand why you would consider it a "personal" fight to be won, it is not a cause that will change the future or face of the world. I think you should reconsider the response you have to the prompt.

I would have opted for something more earth changing such as climate change, the discord in the Middle East, finding a cure to cancer/AIDS, or even world peace (if you want to really be hyperbolic about it). You could choose something closer to home though. Fight for the rights of children, animals, the unborn. Fight for racial equality, fight for the right to be who you want to be in a world that cannot accept differences that easily.

You need to find a cause, a passion, that you feel so strongly about that you will do anything to help further the cause either by committing yourself to a career in it, supporting the cause through various means, or simply starting the cause. Those are the kinds of things that you fight for. The SAT test results, no so much.

For the personal statement side, change description number 2. You already spoke about the bamboo flute in a previous essay of yours. They don't want repetitions remember? It's in the instructions.

Quick revision for number 4:

write (short stories in random topics) for getting the constant flow of imagination out of my chest. to get the constant flow of imagination out of my mind.

Writing Feedback / How far do you agree that Music needs words to be of any interest? [7]

Mila, I really think you managed to bring the whole essay together to tell a clear story of your interest and opinions regarding the prompt. Your opinion is sound and should resonate well with anyone who is a true music aficionado.

The inclusion of the pop culture reference reinforced your claim that music is all about the instruments rather than the lyrics. Those of era's gone by insist that modern music is all about noise and nothing more. I do believe that you have successfully made your point and that you have used enough acceptable examples to support it. Your statement reinforces the fact that when the music is good, it won't matter if it doesn't have lyrics. It will resonate with the listener and stir up a specific emotion. Good work :-)

All that is left for you to do now is review this new version of your essay and see if there are any other points you would want to work on or if you think you can call this your final version. I think you can safely call it that :-) Good luck with your application.

Graduate / This is my SOP for Polymer Science course. Do reply with your inputs. College applications time! [3]

Gaya, while I admire the background that you have in relation to your interest in Polymers, I believe that the statement of purpose that you wrote needs to have some editing done. In terms of actually portraying your purpose for wanting to pursue higher studies, the paper does not accomplish much. There is too much focus on the early development of your interest and your undergraduate studies for this essay to actually make an impression on the reviewer. It just seems too forgettable at the moment.

What the reviewer will be looking for in your statement is an inclination as to where you see your interests in Polymer science taking you in the future. Since you are already familiar with the read world application of the material, why don't you present something solid in terms of research or project study. Something that the university, through its various internships, grants, and other educational endowments, can perhaps help you achieve during the duration of your masters degree studies with them? It always helps to have a project in mind that you can collaborate on with the notable names at the university. It shows that you did your homework and you really have a basis for your choice of school.

You already mentioned a Prof. X in one of your paragraphs. Find out what he is currently researching or interested in and try to develop a project of yours that could be developed alongside his own. That way when you say that you look forward to working with him, you can cite a concrete reason why and how you plan to do that. It may just impress the reviewer a bit more than it should if your work turns out to be something world changing, and their university was there to support you :-)

Remember, one of your main motivations for opting to enroll at the university should have to do with your future career plans. So, whether you can actually keep up with those plans or not, you need to present a solid plan to the reviewer. Just to show that you are keen on not only attending their university, but also completing the course.

Graduate / Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. [14]

Laura, I think that there is room to refocus the essay in order to better align it with the prompt. I really do not think that the first few parts of your essay are necessary in depicting the growth of your interest in optometry. It seems to me that the reviewer will be more interested in learning about how your interest in this field developed specifically. Sans all your other interests as you were growing into who you are now. So instead of discussing how you are the first person in your family to attend college (you can mention that later on in relation to optometry), and how you were interested in Math among other things, you should go directly to discussing your work with Trio because that is when you discovered Optometry and gained an interest in it.

While the visits to your optometrist is interesting to read about. It does not really create any moment in the essay where the reviewer could say "Oh wow! So that's why she chose optometry!" Even though you were bombarding your doctor with questions, the pivotal moment when you realized that this was the career for you is not represented. So that portion is not as strong as it can be. I would work on developing that if I were you.

Finally, when you speak of the internships you had with optometrists, mention the people and specific places. This will allow the reviewer to actually confirm the validity of your claims. Which in turn, can help bolster your application. So be specific. You never know if a name of one of the people you worked with will stand out with the reviewer.

You've got some pretty solid plans in your statement. It looks like you have your future planned out. All you need is to get started on this path. I hope I can help you get onto the road :-)

Writing Feedback / Who has more influence on individuals: the politicians or the public media? [2]

Irfan, your stand in your introduction contradicts your stance in the conclusion. Somewhere along the line, you either forgot what your stance was, or you did not really make your stance clear enough in the introduction. I think you need to clarify that. After all, the introduction is the platform on which your essay will stand. I have read the prompt of this essay from other participants here so I need to point out a glaring error on your part. You need to pick one side. Either you believe in the media or you believe in the politicians. You can't believe in both at half points each. Either support it all the way or don't.

Reconsider the requirements of the prompt. Between the politicians and the media, who has the wider reach among audiences and who can easily help the audience form an opinion? Think about that and then decide who, due to the ease of access of the audience to the information, seems to have more influence in a public setting. Once you have made your choice, think about your personal reasons for supporting that choice and discuss it.

I will not review your current essay because I feel that you need to be given a second chance to properly write it. You need to analyze, revise, and make sure that your thoughts are at least expressed in a simple manner that can be easily understood. It does not have to be perfect grammar, it just has to at least show a coherent flow of thought on your part :-)

I look forward to reading your revision.

Writing Feedback / The picture describes the process of cycles how the rainwater can be recycled and reused [2]

Irfan, were you in a hurry or distracted when you wrote this practice essay? It sounds nothing like you. It is not very well written and really needs a lot of work in order to improve. Remember, you need to make sure you are focused when you write these report essays. One mistake, one distraction and your essay will be ruined. I do not know what happened to you while writing this essay but whatever it was, it affected your overall mindset. I'll correct it for you now but I would like to see you try to revise what you wrote. This time, I want you to concentrate on what you are writing and apply yourself.

The picture describes the process of cycles how the rainwater can be recycled and reused RECYCLING.

In this processing is needed some equipment which are useful for supporting the progress. THE PROCESS REQUIRES SOME EQUIPMENT IN ORDER TO RECYCLE THE WATER

First of all, several tools which are useful are THE STANDARD REQUIREMENTS INCLUDE rainwater tanks, A water treatment plant and A waste water treatment plant.

Started with the rainwater fall down and it is collected in the rainwater tank and water treatment plant. THE PROCESS STARTS WITH THE COLLECTION OF RAINWATER WHICH IS SENT TO THE WATER TREATMENT PLANT.

The liquid from rainwater storage can be used directly without any FILTRATION steps.

water from water treatment plant must be filtered or need expert ways for being IT IS ready to BE consumeD as drinking water.

Then, the household waste water from the inhabitant's house has to through a purification equipment, namely wastewater treatment plant [...]

WATER FROM HOUSEHOLDS ARE RECYCLED USING PURIFICATION EQUIPMENT AT THE WASTEWATER PLANT BEFORE IT IS RELEASED AS EXCESS TREATED WATER INTO THE RIVER. STORM WATER IS TREATED BEFORE IT IS THROWN AWAY AS WELL. ON THE OTHER HAND, WATER FROM THE TREATMENT PLANT IS RECYCLED, CLEANED, THEN CONSUMED IN HOUSEHOLDS.

Scholarship / My Motivations is Study abroad and Significant Experience - Personal Statement KGSP [8]

Nira, my opinion is that the essay is not as strong as it should be at the moment. Your motivation for studying abroad is good but incomplete. You need to add a portion about why you think the KGSP grant will help you achieve your academic and career goals. What is your plan? How does the scholarship program fit into it? Can you tell them anything about your plans for study and your immediate career after graduation? Those are the kinds of information that often enhance a scholarship essay.

You need to discuss more about your interest in Business Administration if that is where your interests lie. Tell us why you think your future lies in this field. How does studying in Korea address your need for further education in this field? What is it about Korean business management that you think makes it stand out from others? The idea is to show the reviewer how much you can learn from your time in Korea. How do you plan to utilize the various opportunities that come with the scholarship?

What your essay lacks as of now is just a clear career plan. We can skip the high school age experience because as a masters degree student, we really need to know more about your college development in relation to your chosen masters degree. So you can delete that part and use it for the other more important parts of your essay development.

I hope that you will consider my suggestions and use what you feel you can to help improve the content and presentation of your essay. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / How far do you agree that Music needs words to be of any interest? [7]

Milashka, I agree with everything that you said about music not needing any words to be of any interest. Your examples coming from the classical era of music are the perfect examples of this belief. The classics you mentioned require no explanation. Perhaps you would be interested in presenting some contemporary music as well in order to show your reviewer that you see a constant application of that belief.

For example, The Music Box Dancer by Canadian composer Frank Mills is a perfect example of a modern instrumental classic. It is from the 1970's but the way the piano and other instruments were used to make the instrumentation sound like it came from a music box turned it into the number one easy listening hit of its time. You an do a Google search for it if you think you can use it in your essay. Discussing that piece of music will definitely create a much more effective transition paragraph before you talk about how music is all around us.

I think that you should also mention that the songs that do come with lyrics these days, often translate very well into instrumental pieces. Songs like Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" in an orchestral interpretation can really blow your mind. I think you need to balance the essay with some pop culture information so that the reviewer will see that you are open minded when it comes to music and you are able to analyze music in any given setting.

Overall, the paper is already well written. I am just offering a few suggestions that I believe can help enhance it even further :-)

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - The number of citizen who use rail mode transportation. [3]

Hi Irfan :-) Here we go again! I really am impressed by these essays you have been coming up with. You really just need grammar practice. You have the thought process down pat.

Overall, the highest usage number of rail USERS WERE FOUND in Asia while it can be seen that the largest amount of cargo carried WAS FOUND in the USA.

First, the rate of inhabitants who used rail mode rode the rail TRAINS in Japan PLACED THE COUNTRY AT THE top position which beat BEATING three other states.

the aggregate NUMBER of passenger

the most one TOPMOST

At the rate of Italy and UK HAD almost THE same number

just different 10
- How can they have the same number but different 10? Explain.

USA became the hugest LARGEST AT in 2,820 billions of tons.

yet they THERE WAS just A little differences[S/] with

Undergraduate / Intellectual vitality Essay for Stanford -- sisters v. pilgrimage (250 words) [5]

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Knowing what the prompt is now, I was able to analyze the essay you wrote so that I could establish which parts we need to concentrate on, reduce, or delete in its totality. I believe that improving the essay will not take too much work. All our concentration should be focused on the beginning of your essay.

When you discuss your sisters, don't just describe them and what activities you had with them while growing up. It doesn't really show too much intellectual vitality on your part. Why not try to think of a time when you and your sisters challenged each other intellectually for some reason? If you can present that challenge and how influenced you were to present a good result that could beat your sisters presentations, then you will have shown the intellectual vitality your little group had. That will create the platform for your next paragraph.

It is important that you show some sort of intellectual challenge among siblings so that your presentation about the intellectual challenges you faced at the convention will become a highlight. Compare those 2 experiences (the convention vs. competing with your sisters) in order to show how those 2 groups influenced your way of thinking and challenged you to think beyond the obvious. If we can successfully accomplish that, then the essay response you wrote will be strengthened tremendously :-)

Scholarship / I had made a deal with my father - he bought me a computer (I won the deal) - KGSP 2016 essay [3]

Alif, some advice on how to create a better impact with your opening statement. Please use the following before the line about your father you a computer:

It is my habit to dream something big...

That statement alone already shows a total motivation and goal for your future. Though you do not what that end goal is yet, you are showing the reviewer that you at the very least, know what direction you will be taking, and that is the most important part of your motivational statement. The fact that you have a career direction in mind and you know how the scholarship can help you attain it.

The rest of the essay can remain unchanged.It supplies all the necessary supporting information as required by the prompt. So I would say that this essay is ready for use. I wish you the best of luck with your application :-)

Undergraduate / Intellectual vitality Essay for Stanford -- sisters v. pilgrimage (250 words) [5]

Hi Hannah. It was nice to read your essay. You came in exactly at the word count. It seems like you responded well to the prompt. However, I am on the fence about that because you forgot to include the actual prompt with your essay posting. Please post the prompt for the essay. It would really help all of us here to better review your essay and offer pertinent advice for its improvement.

That said, I can see that there are many areas of this essay where you can still improve your writing by offering more information. I can be more definite about it once I know what the full prompt requirements are. As of now though, I think that the portion we will be working on editing is the introduction. It just doesn't have a very effective hook.

An effective hook often opens with a story or motivational quote that directly applies to you. By opening the essay with a statement about your sisters, you loose the ability to create that memorable impact for yourself. That is why I think that you should try to open that part with something about yourself instead. It can still be in relation to your sisters, but the focus has to be on you and/or your relationship with them. The rest of the essay seems appropriate right now. I'll refrain from commenting on it until I am sure that it really applies to the expected response to the prompt :-)

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - The initial teacher training Program over following a two-year period. [3]

Hi Irfan. your essay is quite informative and really uses the data given in an interesting manner. It is nice to see that you explained the important acronym in your report because the others who wrote a similar report did not do that and I often wondered what it meant. Your sentences are really coming into focus now with improving subject verb agreement usage. Keep up the good work. Now, I'll try to offer you further guidance below :-)

the number of people who STAYED in the Britain IN ORDER TO OBTAIN A teacher training education COVERING THE YEARS 2005-2007.
-Since the years are consecutive, you can just present it in connected terms.

This compares THE PERCENTAGE OF MALE AND FEMALE QUALIFIERS

Overall, it can be seen that the total of qualifications for learning is the highest which is followed by PGCE which is stand for Post Graduate Certificate in Education

- I think you need to offer some figures here in order to explain what you mean by highest total qualifications. It will give the statement clarity. Remember, data and figures matter when writing a report. Without those, your reader is lost.

teaching qualifications INCREASED with A OF total 31,930 pupils and solely increased by 15 people in the next year.
- Which year? Assume that your reader cannot access the chart. Always be information specific. That is the job of a researcher.

for PDGE stood at 24,405 students with FIGURES of more than 17 thousand for female

This was decreased slightly at 23,900 in a year.

between men and women . THE number of women
---

Good job!

Writing Feedback / World Wide Web and TV lead to immense influence of people lives then parliamentarians [3]

Each time you emulate what I show you in the corrections, you show a talent for improving your writing based upon samples. That is a good thing because you can actually learn how to write better through repetitive actions. Hopefully, as I continue to correct your papers, your brain will continue to absorb the lessons I am sharing with you and eventually, writing the sentences in particular structures will also become second nature to you.

I noticed that you missed a few of the corrections that I made in the first essay. So go back and review the second version. Counter check it with the corrections I suggested the first time. What did you miss? Go back and correct it. Then read the essay again and try to understand what the essay now says and why. Consider if you can still improve the version that you read. Do you think there is still room for improvement in the version I helped you develop?

If you think that the essay still has room for improvement, or if you simply just want to try to write the essay again, then go ahead. Revise the essay or write a totally new version based on the same prompt. Base the new information upon the essay that we revised. That is called paraphrasing. It is one way of learning how to write essays with the same prompt in different ways. That is one method by which you can practice your English sentence structure and development :-)

I hope this exercise can help you develop further :-)

Writing Feedback / World Wide Web and TV lead to immense influence of people lives then parliamentarians [3]

Hasbi, not bad at all. Your introduction managed to deliver the salient points of the discussion you were expected to create in the essay. It was a pretty strong opening statement and you managed to defend your stand quite well in the succeeding paragraphs. So what we learned about your English abilities today is that you have reached a point in your English lessons where you can manage to express yourself in an understandable manner most of the time. You still have some misses as you can see in this essay.

While your discussions could have been even better with more proficient use of the English grammar, the essay definitely merits a passing score in terms of comprehension skills and limited English use. Let's try to clean up the essay so you can get an idea as to how you can further improve your writing alright?

ResultS of surveyS these days HAVE explained

HAVE A STRONGER influence ON PEOPLE'S LIVES THAN parliamentarians.

Firstly, this essay will discuss how the media influence people activities and secondly limited information provided by politicians.
- slight problem here. You had everything clear up to the point of people's activities. The second part about the limited information provided by politicians needs a little more clarification. Everything else was alright.

NOBODY CAN DOUBT that mass media PLAYS a huge role IN peopleS lives

knowledge INCLUDING social news, economy , AND even political conditions in each country.

lots of updateS TO news THROUGH access by mobile phone.

Public media nowadays USES celebrities

WHO are more influential among the communities

There are proofs that these successful to persuade people.
- proof what persuades people? Complete the thought process.

conditions BY BEGUILING SOCIETY ABOUT THE status of a country

In my OPINION THAT IS because they

Take FOR example WHAT HAPPENED in Bangladesh . IN 2007 ,

ALMOST TWO THOUSAND POLITICIANS WERE NOT NOMINATED IN THE GENERAL ELECTION BECAUSE PEOPLE DID NOT TRUST THEM/ SO THEY RETIRED.

It proves that inhabitants be lost to what the politicians informed.
- restate what you want to say. This is unclear at the moment

the communities NO LONGER TRUST THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS BECAUSE THEY MANIPULATE INFORMATION AND exploit their authority

I strongly believe that mass media have enormous impact to persuade people lives.
- Because? Wrap up the summary. Complete the line of reasoning then close it.

Writing Feedback / The rain water is sending for purification to a treatment plant, then goes to houses for drinking [3]

Irham, yours is a unique, if not refreshing take on the rainwater filtration process. Among all the essays I have read so far based on this prompt here, yours is truly up there with the best of them. You have made great progress when it comes to presenting your ideas in the written word. While still not perfect in grammar, you have come across as someone who really understands the diagram and has enough of a command of the English language to explain the procedure in simple terms. Here are a few correction that I hope you will study in relation to this essay and, when possible, I hope you will apply it to your future essays as well :-)

Overall, it can be seen that the greatest pro portion of rainwater is used for several times

while water is collected EITHER in A dam OR and tank

all THE water WILL flow through THE river to THE mountain at the end

.rain water stored in THE dam is sent to water treatment plant

brought to house HOMES for drinking

the RAINwater which fall down from cloud to proof automatically flowS to THE rainwater's tank

and pouring water to WATERING plants

wastewater is recycled again in THE wastewater treatment plant, RESULTING IN for resulting clear water

reused for house's HOUSEHOLD consumption

puddle's water PUDDLES on IN the yard and dirty water drain to THE mountain through river.

Writing Feedback / Opinions of televised talent shows - these programs are not just for consolation [3]

Dita, I am really proud of you for the way that you set up your introduction and thesis based upon the prompt. You presented perhaps the best argument properly supporting your stance based upon the choices given by the prompt. This tells me that your English comprehension skills are more than average and that you have an analytical mind that truly understands the question before giving an answer.

Your arguments are strong because you based them upon common knowledge and your personal opinion / experience. These are the reasons why I would consider this a highly developed essay even in the face of its grammatical errors. After all, the test you are taking will consider your English comprehension skills first and foremost, your grammar skills second. As long as you can make your point, it does not matter if the grammar is imperfect. However, that does not mean that you should not work on improving your grammar :-) Let me show you the corrections to your mistakes now.

talent shows on television are able to be seen in every channel then it AND has attracted THE attention of inhabitants THE AUDIENCE to watch these.

these programs are A brilliant idea

that it is THESE ARE only popularity shows - Shows is plural so use a plural form from beginning to end.

the televised talent shows are be done only for to entice many spectators

a gifted person who wins even like Indonesian Idol can reap thousands of dollars

Daniel Hartono who is the Director Project of Indonesian Idol

he said that a contestant can win it can obtain benefit up to $950,000

To exemplify, Indonesian Idol having experienced juries For example, the experienced judges of Indonesian Idol do not pay

to the contestant backgrounds since they only see the quality of the candidate's voices. - the apostrophe s in candidate's connotes ownership of the background.

who won is a gainer of Indonesian Idol in 2008.

At In the past

a high score that allowed him to become the winner. which made him to be a winner

I believe that the talent search programs of searching aptitude are used to

used to be looking look for the talent of people and not just for consolation prizes

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Talented Shows on TV, Are They Good Method or Just Entertainment? [3]

Ani, your essay is one of the best responses to the prompt that I have read so far. You have shown a good grasp of the English language and can use it to properly create understandable sentences. Your paragraphs as well informed and offer an insight into the basis of your opinion. I am just wondering though why most of you fall back on the financial aspect of the show when talking about these shows as a form of entertainment alone. When one speaks of entertainment, it does not have to refer to the money that the show makes for the producers. Rather, it refers to whether you just watch the show to fill in your empty hours or if you really want to watch because you want to help talented people create their careers :-)

There are a few points of grammar correction in your essay. Here it goes :-)

With regard to the talented show programs, most man kinds people think

of searching for gifted individuals

can dignify discover many street performers

in the world from after winning the talent show X-Factor

just entertain mankind people and create profitably the profits for the producer television of the show.

when the television program airs, the producer makes money from paid advertising on the show perform the talented shows, the television will perform many advertisements on its program

the inhabitants viewers

another reason why it just is that the show is just for entertaining people,

talented shows do not include an education for adults or children

I think the programs just produce just to commerce for TV stations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Talent search program on television. [2]

Muflih, I like the way that you responded to the essay. You displayed an understanding of pop culture and its history and accurately connected the interests of the viewer with the way new talent can be discovered by way of entertainment. You showed a full understanding of the prompt even though your English response needs some work. Your point of view is clear and your effort to make yourself understood in English really stands out. I hope that the corrections I will be showing you in relation to your essay can help you improve some more :-) Here are the corrections:

Prospecting talented people by via a particular television show have has become been famous in many countries nowadays .

humankind people to reach their dreams to become of becoming actors and actresses.

Today, the number of television programs which entertains human entertainment programs

an amusement amusing performance of the from the candidates.

The show not only gives advantages for to the

The rating of the television program growth significantly since increases significantly from

and reached s a peak at on the

In C conclusion, the show presents a spectacular entertainment for to the audience - Since this is not the real end of the essay, you should not say "in conclusion" just present your transitory sentence at the end.

to detect human with endowment in particular part, discover talented people such singing

Simon Fuller is was the first man

who creates d this type of show in 2001

with name called 'Pop Idol' and which is now transforminto called 'British Idol'

many countries follow his way to find gifted human being in the world now use this method to find talent across the world

poor family ies and remote villages - When you say some, that is plural form so all references should be plural

Kelly Clarkson, before succeeding in American Idol

promotion girl, . Thanks to

she becomes became famous and released two albums since she won the first American Idol in 2006.

To conclude, this This method is really helpful to the entrant talented person who wants to succeed in the entertainment area.

searching ingenious person for talented persons through the television event is the most advance way nowadays

it is not only gives the advantages

Writing Feedback / It's Not All About Entertainment [2]

Muhajid, I would like to call your attention to the prompt provided. It is of the utmost importance that you always understand the question being asked and the directions for responding to it. In this case, the question is "Do reality shows find talented people or is it just for entertainment?" The keywords here being "reality show", "talented people", "or entertainment". As I read your response, I came to understand one thing. You needed help in understanding the prompt because the essay response that you wrote went in the wrong direction. It was not the correct answer to the prompt.

In your essay, you spoke of the financial aspect of the reality show, which is not even one of the choices being mentioned in the prompt for your discussion. You were only supposed to choose between entertainment or finding talent as the reason that televised talent show have become popular. Even in the confused state of your English expressions, there was nothing in it that spoke of the choices you were given. The discussion should not have anything to do with profit. It should only have to do with your personal opinion based on your experience and observations.

Ask yourself, do you watch these talent shows because they find real talented people whom you support by buying their albums after the contest? In which case, your discussion should be that the talent shows are popular because they help find new talent. Or, do you just watch the talent show because there is nothing else to watch on TV so you watch that? Then you should respond that these talent shows are only good for entertainment.

Here is a tip to help you with your next essays. In order to make sure that you understand what kind of response you have to give to the question, ask more questions about it. Don't be afraid to let the tutor know that you do not understand the question. The tutor is there to help you learn and understand the English language by helping you improve your comprehension / understanding skills. Don't be embarrassed to ask. Everyone starting out needs help.

If your tutor cannot help you, then come here and post the prompt. Ask us to help you understand it. You will see that over time, as we help you understand the prompts, your responses will become more relevant to the question and pretty soon, you won't be asking us to help you understand the question anymore :-)

We're here to help you anytime you need it :-)

Writing Feedback / The schema of reusing rain water in day-to-day activities (IELTS TASK 1) [3]

It is really amazing how much you improve with your comprehension and writing skills with every essay. You show a new clarity of thought, understanding of the process, and most importantly, improved sentence structuring skills with this most recent work of yours. If you will, please allow me to help you further improve your written work :-)

Overall, there There are two sources of water, from the dam

In fact, some equipment's is needed to SOME EQUIPMENT ARE NECESSARY IN ORDER TO treat the water.

rainwater reused FILTRATION followS below.

In this picture THE dam

prominent sources of water stockpile

It is can storage STORE a huge

the rainfall in the DURING THE rainy season

can be consumed DRANK

the water which is had used IS sent to the waste water treatment

in there WHERE it IS recycled in order to be reuseD again

Moreover, excess EXCESS treated water is THEN discarded INTO the river.

directly from the rainfall

beside the house has a function to accommodate COLLECTS the running rainwater

rainwater on FROM THE roof of the house.

Then it distributes to THE WATER IS THEN DISTRIBUTED THROUGHOUT THE home for house hold purposes

Furthermore, storm water treatment directly send the rainwater to the river without consuming.
- I am not sure what you mean by this last line. Can you please clarify what you mean? Did you mean that "The storm water treatment facility sends the remaining rainwater into the river without being processed for household use" ?

Writing Feedback / 'fertilisation in a wastewater treatment plant' - How the rainwater is reused. [4]

Aditya, I took note of the fact that you applied most of the corrections that I suggested to you. Now, I would like to teach you another lesson with regards to essay writing and it has to do with proof reading. Proofreading is a process that is necessary in proving your English writing and sentence development skills.

Proof reading is the method by which you review your essay so that you can catch the mistakes in the essays that you write. Either through comparison with the corrected version I gave you, or by using other means such as spellcheck, proof reading helps you catch the mistakes you made in your essay writing and gives you an opportunity to fix it before submission. You did not apply any proof reading to the revision that you did otherwise, you would have caught the following mistakes that remained uncorrected:

AND IN THE FINAL STEP, the water is processed

flowes FLOWS - use spellcheck whenever possible to confirm your spelling. When you see a red underline after you type a word, you need to double check and make sure you spelled it properly. The program senses it as a wrongly spelled word.

fertilization FILTRATION - I already explained to you that fertilization does not apply to the cleaning of water. Fertilization is a biological process of creating a life such as in plants and human beings. Water uses a filtration process. Filtration means to clean out dirt using a filter or something to hold back dirt so that only clean water is produced.

returned to households - plural form

thrown INTO the sea

------

So now you know. Your writing process should be as follows:

1. Draft the essay
2. Use spellcheck to avoid spelling problems
3. Proofread to make sure you caught all spelling and sentence structure errors or, to compare the new work with the suggested revisions or the original.

Research Papers / Violent Video Games a moral panic - the unexplainable acts of youth crime [2]

Brandy, here are some suggestions for the improvement of your research paper.

The media focus on one or two factors behind the shootings, such as the video games the students played.
- When you say the media focus on something, you need to back it up with a quote or two from actual news sources referring to the incident. Remember, when writing a research paper, factual evidence is necessary in order to help the reader verify your claims.

Actual violence and video game play, violent video games can have positive effects on adolescents the more glaring factors such as bullying and home environment.

- Am not sure about what you are trying to say in this sentence. It does not seem to connect with the previous sentence although it is in the same paragraph. Please clarify the content or rephrase it for clarity.

video games sales are very high
- present supporting data showing a comparison of violent and non-violent game sales.

video games sales are on a rise every year.
- specify if you mean violent video game sales. Clarity in your statements are very important in a research paper.

"The Pew Research Center's study on youth and video games found that video games, far from being an isolationist activity, were highly social activities for most children (Ferguson, 77)."

- Add more information to support this. Refer to the gamer conventions where international gamers converge to meet and socialize in real time settings.

The older generation tend to believe that video games have a link to real world violence. [...]
Bullying has received great attention as the cause of homicidal youth violence.
- You need a transition sentence at the end of the quote to prepare the reader for the conversion of the discussion from video games to bullying.

There does not seem to be an adequate conclusion at the end of your paper. Perhaps you can come up with a relevant wrap up to the discussion as you revise the paper? The work you did on the research is very good. You never forgot to cite a source even when you paraphrased a quotation. If this is a draft, you are definitely off to a very good start with this paper.

Writing Feedback / 'fertilisation in a wastewater treatment plant' - How the rainwater is reused. [4]

Aditya, you have shown improvement in your writing. Your report is easier to understand now although there are still some portions that need work when it comes to you clearly delivering your message. The introduction follows the correct format and your conclusion is acceptable. The problem, is that you have a tendency to use terms that do not apply to the process being described. Then the grammar also need to be improved through further practice. Other than that, this is a very good effort. Now for the corrections.

What stands out from the THE diagram describes the RECYCLING of rainwater in ORDER TO PRODUCE drinking water.

As seen, there THERE are two methods

THE SECOND METHOD ONLY REQUIRES A short process.

USING the first method, first, the rainwater is COLLECTED in the dam - water is absorbed by soil but is collected in a receptacle such as a dam.

the water IS CHANNELED TO A water treatment plant .

and In this step, IN THE FINAL STEP, the water is processed TO BECOME clean water.

Following this STEP, the clean water then is flowed into the house FLOWS THROUGH HOUSEHOLD FAUCETS as drinking water.

shows the rain water COLLECTED IN A RAINWATER TANK.

and then it is flowed into the house without fertilization process. IT THEN FLOWS INTO THE FAUCETS WITHOUT FURTHER FILTRATION. Fertilization is a process of creating a new being through conception either in plants or humans. It does not apply to water processing.

been COLLECTED is sent to THE wastewater treatment plant FOR PROCESSING AND FILTRATION.

Half of THE DISPOSED water will be recyCled and RETURNED TO HOUSEHOLDS WITH THE EXCESS WATER thrown INTO the sea.

Water totally COLLECTED inside the water reservoir IS directly discharged BY DRAINING THE WATER into the sea.

Writing Feedback / The mass media affected people's society bigger than another - even more than politicians [5]

Irham, you must review the prompt requirement. You were supposed to choose which of the two, television or the internet has a bigger influence on peoples lives today. Instead of choosing one of the two to discuss in your essay, you instead responded that media does affect our society. Now, where did that answer come from? I do not see any part of the prompt that is aligned with your response in the introduction. Therefore, you are not properly responding to the prompt and have, sad to say, failed this essay test.

I will not discount that fact that your opinions as stated actually make sense. In fact, your statements are based on truth and is acceptable as a response. It just doesn't apply to the prompt you were given. So you will need to revise your essay to more accurately provide and answer to the prompt.

In my opinion, you should base your response to the prompt on the fact that the internet is fast taking over the role of television on today's society. It offers a global access to international news sources, international life experiences through social media, and allows people from all walks of life and parts of the globe to voice their opinions to be heard on an international level. Therefore, the internet has a much bigger influence on people's lives than television ever did. After all, television only allowed us to watch and hear, it lacked the kind of social participation that the internet allows for and therefore, does not carry the same kind of influence in the lives of people.

Try to revise your essay based upon my suggested response. You need to make sure that you always understand what the prompt is asking you to respond to. Otherwise you risk giving the wrong answer and failing the essay part of your test, which could affect the overall exam result.

Undergraduate / Dropping grades and then recovery - to overcome my procrastination and the lazy lifestyle [4]

Michael, sometimes the most amazing responses to an essay about obstacles do not come from the drama of life, but rather, the commonness of it. While other students would have looked for some life altering story or over dramatize a simple event, you chose to use a very common problem among teenagers today, and then you spun it into an admirable story. Excellent work! This is the kind of essay that could be remembered by a reviewer because of the simplicity of its response but depth of effect upon your life. Exactly what a reviewer looks for in such a response to prompts such as these. My advice is, don't touch the essay. It is very effective in this form. I will however, advise you to correct some errors in grammar as I found, and corrected in the list below.

I WAS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE WHEN my grades began - It is importance to take ownership of the obstacle you faced because you somehow created it through your actions.

Finally, during THE ninth grade

I went OUT every other day with a couple of

preparing myself for classes I knew I may HAVE TO have struggled with

which I had never really been a part of before ,

I overcame this obstacle AND CAME BACK PHYSICALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY stronger than I was before

improving myself in different ways ALONG the way

I wouldn't have gotten nearly as far as I HAVE today.

You did very good work on this essay. Good job :-)

Undergraduate / Villanova Supplement Writing - My Grandmother and Genuineness [5]

Charlese, I was wondering if you would mind trying another version of this essay? I really like the concept of your relationship with your grandmother showing you the true meaning and importance of "genuineness". However, I feel that the way you learned this lesson is not as clear as it should be in the essay. Perhaps presenting the story in a way by which your direct interaction with her showed that importance to you would be more effective than the rambling narrative that you now have.

An effective essay always manages to deliver its best message when telling a story. A story that can reel in the reviewer and have that person in the edge of his seat, wondering as to how the story will resolve itself or play out before him. The lesson of genuineness is one that is really interesting to most people. However, there is nothing in your story that shows how this attribute of your grandmother was considered a benefit on her part. How did other people view her genuineness? What exactly did this gift of hers bring to her? What did it bring to you? How did it help build your relationship with one another?

Genuineness connotes that there was once an untruth that existed. So if you can portray such an event that happened either between you and your grandmother, or your grandmother alone that you managed to learn from, you will be able to present a clearer lesson regarding this relationship because it helped you become a better person.

I hope you consider my suggestion. Your essay is interesting as it is.

Undergraduate / Mom motivates to succeed in life [4]

Reneka, that i definitely a good opening statement for the inspiration prompt. Now all you have to do is build upon the statement that you made in order to create 3-5 paragraphs as an essay response. Why haven't you done so yet? Do you have any problems with developing your response? Let's see if we can help you out. Let's review your statement line by line and see what we can do with it. Shall we now?

She gave up many opportunities because she chose to have me,

It sounds like your mother had some rough patches in life when she got pregnant. If you won't mind sharing a bit of her struggles while she was fighting to bring you to term, that would certainly help the reviewer understand why you have so much faith in your mother. What happened when she was pregnant with you? What is her background? Where did she grow up?

I want to prove everyone wrong that doubted my mother's parenting skills

Why were there doubts? Who were these people? How did your mother respond to those "accusations" if any? Why do you believe her parenting skills were wrongly questioned? How do you plan on proving them wrong?

She works hard to make sure I'm well taking care of

Where does she work at the moment? How does she manage to take care of you while working? What difficulties does she face? Does she complain or does she just smile and let you know that it is all worth it for her?

What I am trying to do here is offer you some guide questions that can help you develop your essay into a full page response to the prompt. I realize that it seems like I am getting too personal, but that is how these type of prompts go. When you talk of who inspires or motivates you to be better in life, you need to show the deep connection and emotional bond that exists between the two of you. In the long run, you will find that it will help create a better idea of your personality, motivation to achieve, and ability to dream higher and better than what your mother ever dreamed of for you with the reviewer.

I hope I can read the fully developed essay soon :-) Good luck with developing it. I am sure it's going to be great.

Writing Feedback / Essay on how the young adults live after finishing their schools [4]

Sara, you seem to be responding to the wrong prompt. The original question was whether you agree or disagree that students should remain living with their parents or start to share a home with their friends after graduation. That is the question you should base your opinion on. It has nothing to do with the financial ability of the student to live on his or her own. By misunderstanding the prompt requirement, you have already failed this essay. When you are not sure of the topic of the prompt, do not just give an answer so you have something to show as a response. Ask for clarifications about the question so you can give the correct response. Otherwise, all of your work in writing a response will have been useless. As in this case, you would have failed the essay test.

Your agreement or disagreement to the prompt should have been based upon the parental relationship that the children have. If they have a good parental relationship, then most likely, the child will remain at home even after he graduates. In some Asian cultures for example, the children graduate from college and continue to live with their parents, sometimes for the rest of their lives. In Western cultures, the children are encouraged to move out as soon as they reach college age or are able to work for themselves.

The response to this essay should have been based upon your understanding of world culture and traditions. It should not have been based solely upon a question of financial ability. Financial ability is normally the last factor considered by any parent or child when deciding whether to move out or not. Normally, they look into concerns of privacy and independence in decision making. Those are the two factors that often dictate when a child moves out of the house to stay with friends or roommates. It is a question of equality as adults more than anything else.

I hope you can review your essay response and try to revise to better suit the prompt.

Undergraduate / Growing up in Poland and then after 17 years applying to the US colleges - Tufts Supplement Essay #2 [4]

Karol, to put it bluntly, the essay is not that good. The reason that it falters as a response to the prompt is because you gave summary answers to the question posed rather than giving a personal, in-depth response that would help the reviewer understand where you came from and how those influences helped you become the person you are today.

The summary stories that I read have the potential to display the character influences in your life. You should take advantage of that. Having come to the United States with your parents and leaving your grandparents behind is a traumatic experience for anyone who has to undergo it. That is why, after you described the kind of family life that you had in Poland, I was expecting to read more about your relationship with your grandparents and the Polish community you experience every time you come to visit your grandparents.

I think the essay will be helped by any reference that you can make to the influence of your grandparents in your life. Which, of the many life lessons that I know they teach you during your visits, is the one that stuck with you the most? Why does it resonate so well with you? Make a deeper connection with it that will be evident to the reviewer. Remember, you need to show how these people and events helped you become a better person today. So the very short response you gave isn't exactly as informative as it should be.

Try to revise the essay to relate more to the prompt requirements. Dig deeper, go to a personal level. It should help bring more of your identity and who you are becoming as a person into the essay.

Undergraduate / Learning Systems - Critique my Why Caltech essay? Intellectual curiosity in a scientific exploration [3]

David, I'd definitely rate this a 9.5. Now now, don't get mad :-) The only reason I held back was because of some grammar issues that cramped your writing style. The grammar issues did not affect the overall message of your essay. It just made it a bit hard to read because I found my brain correcting the grammar mistakes, as I am sure the reviewer's brain will also do. So let's just work on cleaning up that very minor detail in your essay alright? Here we go!

I coaxed my computer INTO CALCULATING pi to

it had previously before . - Just a little redundancy problem here

That was my naïveté four years ago. Just a few weeks before I

Prof. Harvey Newman HAD again broken

this figure WAS backed not by - Remember the tense usage rules. Everything you discuss has already happened so it should use past tense.

that I HAD to take my innate need

This sentence is more effective if you reverse it.
From the most fundamental silicon chip, to digital signals, to the more abstract software, I have a deep-seated curiosity in all computer systems

GPUs WILL ALLOW me

I HAVE FIRST HAND KNOWLEDGE that the Caltch

channel DURING my free time

Applying these corrections should fix the remaining problems with your essay. Don't touch anything else. As far as I am concerned, this is already perfect :-)

Undergraduate / "Shall we Dance" - a Japanese movie. UVA College of Arts and Sciences Essay [6]

Amy, it is nice that you have such a keen interest in learning Japanese. It is even better that you found a Japanese film that seemingly parallels your interest in learning about Japan. Here is a suggestion; why not use that parallelism between your interest in learning about Japan and the interest of Mr. Sugiyama in the film?

Having seen the movie myself, although in the English version starring Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez, I believe that the parallelism of your interests will work well in creating a surprised response on your part to the film. Consider your life before you learned Japanese, what was it like for you? Was it anywhere like Mr. Sugiyama's? Talk about it. In the movie, I think he saw the woman as an unsettling challenge in his life because he was married. What was unsettling about being attracted to the Japanese language for you? He saw learning how to dance as a life changing opportunity, parallel it with your learning Japanese. Do you see where I am headed at here by using the parallelism? I really think it will make the essay more interesting to read.

Try to cut back on the narrative about the film. Use the narrative only in relation to your own life. That way you present a clearer idea of how the film affected you in a highly positive manner. It was the summary of the film that really made you go over the word count. So altering that part of the essay should help you meet the word requirement.

Scholarship / I had made a deal with my father - he bought me a computer (I won the deal) - KGSP 2016 essay [3]

Alif, your essay answers the prompt requirements except for the one about the motivation you have that led you to apply to the program. I believe that you are applying for a masters degree admission, am I right? As such, the motivation for your interest to go study in Korea should be related to that. Why do you want to study in Korea? What does the KGSP offer you that simply enrolling in a masters course in your own country cannot provide? How has the lack of support in your country (if any) motivated you to seek the Korean government support for your studies?

In order to better address the prompt issue, you need to remember the following important information about KGSP:

1. The scholarship offers a research allowance to their international students. Try to do some research so you can discover how you can use that research allowance as a motivation for your application.

2. The government will cover the costs of printing your dissertation. Again, you will need to look further into this sponsorship because as far as I know, the dissertation is the hardest task to accomplish at that state of academic study because of the costs involved.

Aside from that information, the Korean government will also sponsor your Korean language lessons for one year, with some sort of additional language tutorial support after. Since you mentioned that Korea is at the forefront of technology these days, I believe your essay will be helped by the inclusion of this information as part of your motivation.

The English language problems can be addressed later on. First we need to make sure that you present a solid and acceptable motivation for applying to the scholarship. A simple Google search should be able to help you find all of the information you need to help you develop a good and more accurate motivation for applying to the program.

Undergraduate / It all started with a workbook my mom ordered for me - My interest in Japanese language and culture [5]

Amy, I believe that there is room for improvement in your essay. I see that improvement as being at the beginning when you talk about how your mom bought you that learning kit from amazon. It just feels like there is a gap where an explanation should be. In my mind, as the reviewer, I would have wanted to read about where this early interest came from. I mean, your mother would not just buy you a Japanese learning kit. Surely she got the idea from somewhere. Just as you got the idea that you wanted to learn to speak Japanese from somewhere as well. It is very important that you show the reviewer the roots of your interest.

While a reviewer will most likely enjoy reading about the development of your interest in the language, most specially all the plans you have for your future which are either Japan or Japanese related, the reviewer would also like to know why your interest seems to be so deeply rooted within you. What was your motivation to learn about the language? What you have discussed is not just a simple interest, it is also a talent, and an achievement. So learning about its development and cultivation through the years would explain how and why this happened to you.

Aside from a few spelling errors that I know you will be able to catch for yourself once you review this essay, I really cannot fault your work. I admire the way it was developed and written. It shows the reviewer that you have a solid study plan for college and a career path afterwards. The essay you wrote more than accomplishes the task it sets out to do. Just like everything else though, it can still use a little tweaking :-)