Writing Feedback / Marriage older is more advantageous than marrying at young age! [3]

Hi... I just provided my feed back on the same topic little while ago on another thread :D
First, your essay looks pretty short.... Though they say "sweet and short", I guess it does not work so well with essays ...LOL


.... Need a stronger sentence.... People have different views about the advantages of marrying at young or older age.


First of all, marrying at a older age helps start family with some financial stability.

Writing Feedback / How does rapid economic development affect a country? [5]


... true


... I think you better change it slightly;
First and foremost, modern societies have seen the increasing flow of people moving to the metropolitan in view of having greater employment opportunities with better renumeration and compensation benefits in contrast to the countryside.


... This is a good essay and you can write well. However, I like if you expanded your conclusion at least by one additional line. Also, I feel the latter part tend to confuse the reader :( control of regime? :(

Writing Feedback / Which is more advantages? Marrying young or older? [2]


.... is that so? I thought people now tend to postpone marriage compared to older generations.


... you need to re-write this part;
especially in the Eastern world because .. .... (I cannot understand what you are trying to say with the latter part)


An early marriage gives the husband and wife a chance to spend their lives together for a longer time and cherish more happy moments and memories.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, the reasons for increasing rubbish, and provide the measures for governments. [3]


... you better interchange words
people produce rubbish increasingly and this has made a negative impact on our environment.



.... you have very good points :)


On the other hand, some measures can be taken by the government to reduce the production of rubbish.

Writing Feedback / Which one do you prefer? A student-based class or a lectured-based class. [5]


... I understand what you try to mean. But, "stand behind" does not directly convey what you try to say.
I would rather choose to be the latter.


There are three most important reasons why I support this type of education.


.. more than hearing , they discuss and share ideas and experiences.


Furthermore, neither the teacher nor the students can dominate the class. ... In fact, this is a more collaborative set up...you can use that key word :)

Writing Feedback / 'private issues, lose feeling and painful exercises' - being a celebrity brings lot of problems [3]


In the first place, they lack privacy because they are famous. Not only them, even their family members have got to suffer with this issue.

Give an example for this reason. You can talk about how Princess Diana suffered from the paparazzi guys that almost took her life.


.... start a new paragraph with this .
You have good ideas.... work on your grammar and presentation !

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; My opinion on using fertilizer and machinery for producing food [4]


.... better say "many studies"


therefore, it is inevitable that we consume these harmful substances together with vegetables and fruits that we consume.[/i]

and reduce the nutritious elements

[i]and will have a low nutrient value in them.


.... the verb is over-weigh while the noun is overweight... Here you use this word as a verb.

Writing Feedback / The same curriculum for all students? disadvantages overweight advantages [2]


Different educational institutions should be allowed to follow diversified directions as long as they share the same goal of contributing to academic and occupational development of their nation.


.... This sentence is too long. So you ideas don't flow well. Why not rephrase this part?
Goo essay and you write very well !

Undergraduate / Beedie School of Business Appeal; Attempt 2 [2]


.... I guess it is better you add some reasoning as to why they should consider you this time. For example;
However, my strong desire for studying business compels me for writing this letter of appeal in hope that the faculty will reconsider my application.
If you have a better reason, you can include that here.


.... Try to give more focus on to the positive part and reduce the effect of your negativity. So, I suggest you to bring the second line before the first one and give more emphasis to that fact while very briefly mentioning your negative mindset. You need to rephrase this if you are going to do that.

Writing Feedback / Should people do things they don't like in some situations? [2]


.... too long and confusing :(
As long as we enjoy what we do, we would not feel tired of doing things.


However, we sometimes have to perform tasks that we really don't like or don't want to.


Your idea is not clear :( Rephrase this sentence!
Your sentences lack clarity and the reader needs to struggle to understand what you try to convey. Try short and simple sentences. That's a good start until you become confident with longer ones :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - NEIGHBORS DEPEND ON EACH OTHER LESS TODAY [3]

You can write well. It is only you don't follow a good essay structure. Dumi has given you the outline of the essay structure and I hope you'd take it seriously. Your essay need to have an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. Pay attention to what she has explained about those features.


.... the reason for this had been the social structure in those eras were more interdependent. This dependence had been narrowed down by the technological advancement which has helped people to manage their affairs on their own.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; A person's job's has more effects on his happiness [5]


I am an exactly opposite character from my father.


I am a social animal and find my happiness in my social activities.


.... all these sentences have very close meanings. So they sound like repetition.


It depends on the individual as to what make him happy because different people perceive happiness differently.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Modern eating habits and lifestyle has had negative effects on children. [2]


"walks of life" generally refers to profession, occupation or social class. It hardly describes one's demography such as age, gender etc. So, this sentence sounds a bit out of topic.


This has also altered children's food preferences that greatly differ the choices of older generations.
Secondly , the lifestyle children have adopted in the modern timedays has its own type of drawbacks.
Spending a great deal of time in playing computer games and surfing internet is the mostare very common behavioral patterns of children today.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Why do you think people attend School or University. Give some reasons. [4]


First, every university offers courses that are designed to equip students with necessary skills and knowledge for their respective future careers.


Finally, the recognition of the institution from which one obtains his or her degree also matters for finding employment. Generally, the organizations prefer to employ people who have obtained their degrees from recognized universities.

Writing Feedback / Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communites.TOEFL ESSAY [7]


.... this should be; On the other hand


.... you may be talking about the youngsters in your country who contributes to preserve traditional art forms. Better describe it a bit more for the reader to understand;

On the other hand, youngsters today do engage in various community projects that have a great value to our society. For example, many youth in my country, Vietnam, contribute their best to preserve our traditional music and dancing forms.


.... this is not very clear.... better re-phrase

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some workers are allowed to work at home - Positive or Negative? [2]


.... use words instead of numbers in your essays.
Today, many companies allow their workers to work from home instead of demanding them to work in an office environment where workers have to work at least eight hours a day and six days per week.


.... appropriate usage is "due to". Or else you can say - " ... because of some reasons". However, I prefer "due to: ;)


First, working from home greatly benefits the people who live far away from their work places. These people can save lots of time that they require for commuting to work.

Student Talk / I have an interview for a college. [11]

I generally follow this;
Who am I? My background information - name, age
Where I come from - neighborhood, family background etc.
What I do currently? Student or other - elaborate on this .... you can include your hobbies too
What I wish to do in future - talk about your future goals

Undergraduate / It was yelling, It was directing, And it was creating; What's important to you why? [3]


Therefore, being the eldest child in the family, I had no choice, but to take up part of my father's responsibilities in many important matters including supervising construction of our new house.


.... what is this volunteer work in a construction house? not very clear and better you detail it a bit more.


At one night, I walked into my mother's room and locked the door so that we had complete privacy for our important discussion.

Writing Feedback / IETLS: Children can benefit by engaging in some kind of paid work [3]


... This sentence seems to be out of topic. Why you talk about international community? What's its relevance to the topic?


Here the idea is that if you have some work experience during your childhood, that helps you find a job after graduation. However, that idea isn't expressed properly. Your writing tends to give sort of an out of topic feeling. You better re-do this essay. Also, it's not social experience but work experience. Social experience is mostly used to express how socialized you are... it has only little to do with work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - children learning foreign language in young age; brain under development [2]


Today, children have the facilities to learn a foreign language at the level of primary school itself. Some experts view that it is the best time for a person to begin learning a foreign language. I too agree with them because the benefits of learning a foreign language from an early age can largely outweigh its disadvantages.


It is obvious that children pick up things lot faster and easier in their early ages than in their adulthood.


A child who comes from a family where its members speak more than one language, naturally has the ability to speak those languages.

Writing Feedback / 'Learning never stops' - Learn from a teacher or by yourself? [4]


good start!


Various methods of learning have been developed over the years.


Both these methods have their negatives and positives.


.... Pay attention to what dumi said.... Don't lengthen your sentence too much.
Not everybody perceives that having a teacher employed is the best way to learn. There are many people who prefer to study on their own. They argue that it provides them more freedom and flexibility. For these people, self studying is a better motivation rather than having guided by a third party.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : I believe that parents are the best among the teachers to teach [3]



First, home is the institute that a child finds his first teachers, his mother and father


Everything that child learns represents imprints of his own parents.


To summarize, I think that parents are the best teachers although there are many other teachers who also do influence the growth of a child.

Interesting essay and you write very well!

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: Whether scientist are able to give solutions to all the problems? [7]


... very true :)


.... this needs improvement.
The main reason why scientists cannot solve all the problems is that they are unable to control the emergence of new issues as a result of continuous technological improvements.

Scientists can find solutions only for the problems that deal with technology. How about emotional issues? Specially the ones that need more spiritual solutions? I think you should have talked about that side.

Essays / Sports have been a part of our culture [4]


The fame and glory associated with sports has attracted many people to try their luck.


And as in case with many other fields, some sportsmen have tried short cuts in hope of coming to the limelight sooner and had tried their luck with performance enhancing drugs.


Today, athletes would go all out to increase their athletic ability. They take steroids,Amphetamines, and even animal or human organs just the way Greeks did in ancient days.

I learned a lot from your essay .... good writing :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl Ibt- Task 2; Reasons for attending college or universities [3]


But I have a strong belief that most of students attend to an educational institution in hope of building up their future careers.


I guess comma is better punctuation


acquiring new knowledge/ enhancing knowledge


.... It makes you confident, well rounded person too.... don't you agree?
Very interesting writing. You write well. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Homework is Harmful! - Why? [3]

Homework is Harmful! - Why? ... yes it is :D ... LOL


Secondly, the students cannot engage in other extra curricula activities due the study pressure they face. They need to struggle for coping with their academics and other activities.


such as spending time together with their families,socializing , enjoying leisure activities etc.


Therefore teachers should think twice when they assign homework to students.
weather - this is about climate
whether - the right word here

Writing Feedback / IELTS- It's important to address root causes in order to reduce criminal activities! [3]



On the other side of the argument, punishment needs to be balanced with the crime committed by the offender. More severe punishments need to be introduced if this trend is on decline.


In conclusion, poverty alleviation and making people more educated and disciplined are very good steps forward.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Increase of Illiteracy rate causes and effects on society [7]


... yes, very true.


Limited opportunities for education is an issue in many third world countries. However, it is observed that some developing countries too are inclined to face this threat.


In the following paragraphs I intend to discuss the reasons for this trend and its impact on society.


.... Secondly

Writing Feedback / Should the government invest in early childhood education or higher education [3]


New thing or new ideas? Not very clear. Is this what you try to say?
The students at higher education level are about to shoulder the responsibilities of the nation and they define the future of their country. Therefore they require more resources and facilities for successful completion of their studies that have a direct impact on the country's development.


You can give a more simpler example. For instance, you can say if the country needs so many numbers of doctors, the government should spend enough to have them produced. Otherwise the government would lose money for hiring people from abroad.

Writing Feedback / Neighbors are the people who live near us. What are the qualities of a good neighbor? [4]

Good ideas, but too very long. You have managed the whole para by just one sentence .Try to keep things simple and short.


this hasn't come right;
In conclusion, good neighbors need to have good qualities. Most importantly they should be respectful, helpful and dependable.
Work on your presentation. There are a lot of good points which are not presented properly. Otherwise your essay would have been a very good one.

Writing Feedback / Solve the environmental problems by increasing the fuel prize. Agree or disagree. [2]


... The idea here sounds good. You can say higher fuel prices cause higher level of inflation. Inflation is a good key word to use.


You better say higher transportation costs result in pushing the price upward in many products, especially food items.


launch campaigns


...you can improve its presentation by shortening the sentence
More importantly, governments should facilitate research on alternate energy sources by providing adequate funds. They can also promote people to use fuel efficiently and carefully by carrying out various propaganda campaigns.

Graduate / Each pessimistic finds a problem in each opportunity; SOP- PhD / Marketing/CANADA [4]


My interest in Marketing began at the age of six.
and up till now Nike is still my favorite brand of running shoes


I am looking forward to carrying out research under the guidance and supervision of Associate Professor June Cotte. Her areas of work are of great interest to me and I am confident that I can effectively contribute to the research team in carrying out cutting edge research in this domain.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Suggestions for the densely populated countries. [3]


... actually, this becomes serious because we have limited resources to share


unemployment is a better usage... give it some thought!


People of overpopulated countries should be promoted to have smaller families by educating them on family planning methods.


.... I fear whether this is possible everywhere. :D


In conclusion, efforts should be made by both individuals and the state to control and maintain population at a healthy level.
You write good English.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; 'A man 's manner is a mirror that reflects his virtues' - people to be polite to others [4]


although I seem to understand what you want to say here, it still seems a little unclear.
Today, the social environment we live in has become so busy, people have been forced to pay less attention on their manners and behavior.


Again, very confusing. :(
through these impressions, a person will easily blend in with society, and others will star to like him very quickly.
This is what i think you are trying to say..


I think it's better to simply use "children" instead of "offspring"... Oh and there is no such word called offsprings.

In order to create a better living environment for ourselves and our children,we should be good in nature and polite as possible.
But this is one of your better sentences in this essay so i did not change it much.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;Should we let children manage money to make them financially responsible adults [4]


Some oppose that this behavior will have a negative effect on their personalities, especially in their adolescence.


It may also bring forth a concept of saving money because young people will realize how difficult it is to save money by themselves.


We have heard many stories of great men who had to earn money from the very beginning of their lives and eventually became very successful.

I think earning money and managing it are two very different things. Maybe the parts where you argue about young people earning money are irrelevant. Just give it some thought. :)

please work on your grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- People resist changes in their lives/ problems they can cause & solutions [3]


Avoiding risks is part of human nature. ... Simple and clear.
But I do not agree with this statement however, I believe humans are far more capable of taking risks than other beings on the planet.


There is no need for the "Furthermore" here and this sentence is way too long. Try to break it down.

You do not talk about the problems this causes to a normal person. If you look into history' every successful businessman had to take risks. And if you look at politics, you can see that world leaders are taking risks very often even today. You need to stress more on why it would be advantageous to take risks.Living the quiet life everyday is not the way to live.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:'parenting class' for parents of undisciplined children. [4]


Although this sounds catchy I feel as if it is a bit too informal.


This sounds unclear. Try
This approach solves the problem of undisciplined children from its roots.
I can not understand why the government needs to be mentioned here.


To be more clear, parents are the role first role models of a child, and therefore it is only natural for disciplined parents to have disciplined children.

I think another drawback would be that since no child is the same, the same approach taught in these parenting class might not be appropriate for every child. It's just an idea I think you might be able to use. :)

Writing Feedback / toefl test The place you choose to live has a greater effect on you overall hapiness [5]


Most people will consider the distance between workplace and residence.


In my point of view, a job is just a part of life, not the whole life itself. ... add some spice. :)


A place that is convenient to work does not necessarily mean that it is a suitable place to live.

Hmm I like your essay. Although some ideas are not very clear. Try to fire up some of the powerful sentences a bit more. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Music - as long as it doesn't hurt you, can improve your balance, mentally and physically [3]


This is too long. And since it is your opening sentence it needs to be very clear.
Listening to the music stimulates our energy.
The rest of the sentence is difficult to understand.


It has been proven scientifically that any kind of sound can effect water molecules both positively and negatively.

I feel as if you lengthen your sentences too much. And You have not talked about which type of music is better for us. The topic specifically asks you to do so... :(

Writing Feedback / Is Death Penalty needed for our lives to be more secured and have less crimes? [3]


Well, every argument have supporters and opposers. Therefore this sentence sounds a little mild.


On the other hand, opposers, like me, claim that it is a violation of human rights as proclaimed in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.


This is a good point. Everybody deserve's a second chance sort of thing.


This sentence is way too long. Pls rephrase it.

I like your essay even though I'm not on your side. You have understood the essay and written it to support what you believe in. I hope my small suggestions helped. :)