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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6794 / page 41 of 170
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dumi   
Jan 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: How color influence people's health and capacity for work [5]

Color is the part of our soul that every person has a different favorite color.

.... Well, I get your idea , however, it does not flow smoothly;
Colors play an important role in our lives and every person has his or her own preferences when it comes to colors.

There are differences colors as a reflection of genre.

I dont find much contribution to your essay from the above line. Rather, its sounds a bit too complicated and it disturbs your flow too :(

Boys tend to choose black and red colors when they boughtbuy a t-shirt as represented that they are more bravely than women.

This is kind of stereotype statement. There are many women who love black and red. Also you need to pay attention to grammar.
dumi   
Jan 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / The worlds friendliest city [3]

A teamTeam of social psychology from universityfrom Social Psychology Department of California has spendspent six years researching about reactions of inhabitants around the world in the different situations.

In the result people in the low economic rate are kinder than another wealthy citizen. Rio de Janeiro, known as it criminalization, comes highest, while Lilongwe, capital of Malawi, at the third.

.... comes highest of what? people with kind manners?
Their findings showed that people with low income levels tend to be more kind-hearted than wealthy people.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Undergraduate / "Why are you taking art history?"; UT-Austin Transfer [5]

"Why are you taking art history?", my mother asks me in her usual somewhat judgmental way the first time I handed her my class schedule.

"Why do you talk about art history? ", my mother asked me in her usual inquiring way when she read my class schedule first time.

Like most replies I give my mother I replied with a shrug and continue with whatever I was doing

What was your reply? That is what others would want to know. So, you need to be more specific with that reply :)

I had never really seen myself as artistic person; I liked to doodle and make crafts but I felt that I was no more artistic than the next person. Never the less, I choose AP art history as my elective course and who knew I'd be so glad I did by the end of my junior year of high school. There would come to be several things that I loved about my art history class but a few of them included the knowledge I gained about art and artist, how my perception of art changed, and my awesome, passionate teacher.

Well, why did you actually choose art history despite of the fact you knew you were not artistic? I am sure you had some reasons and you need to tell that here more clearly.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should university students be required to attend class;gain education profoundly [7]

While some people think that students must be required to attend class, others think that for students, attending classes must be optional for them.

But I think that going to class is more proper and it must be compulsory for students.

However, I believe that classes are very important for students and therefore students' attendance in classes should be made compulsory.

The following reasons will illustrate the my point of view.

This sentence you can leave out. It doesn't add much value to your essay.

Of course, there are many advantages of going to class. One of fundamental reasons is that if you encounter a confusing problem or a something which you can not make out in your study, you could solve those in a jiff by asking from your professors. Moreover, the professors lead you to the right direction and can give you more knowledge than anything which you set about exploring. Therefore, in class, only there is a great way to gain education profoundly. It seems that university's class exists so that students can educate excellently.

It's better you have only reason in one body para and then support it with a specific example.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Undergraduate / I wanted to work as a mechanical engineer; Georgia Tech Writing Supplement- [4]

With its research program,

It's better if you could elaborate a little bit more on this point as it is one of the strong arguments to support why you like Georgia Tech.

Not only does Georgia Tech provide me with a great engineering program

Tell what those great opportunities are and how such opportunities are aligned with your short and long term goals.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Scholarship / I will have to get straight A's; Long and short term goals! [6]

A goal can be described as my ambition. What is it that I truly want to achieve in my life? Ever since I learned how to talk, I have learned about responsibilities; all the responsibilities I have had have lead me to the right path towards my goals. For my short-term, it is something I want in the near future. I can obtain in twelve or less months.

These sound more less like definitions. The admission panel would not be interested know such theory or general knowledge. They would want to know about you as a person. They want to understand what your goals are, both short and long term. I feel you should not waste words on telling them things that you already know. Such lines may not contribute anything meaningful to your response.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; what people say about advertisement? [7]

In several parts of this country,

... which country?... It's better you do not narrow down the scope. Your prompt talks about a more general trend.

I support the first statement because of some strong relevant reasons.

... rather than saying "first statement" , better say what you believe directly.

Firstly, inhabitantsconsumers are easy to be encouraged by some interesting advertisements to buy something avoidable.

... Be careful of using synonyms. If you are not very sure of their usage do not use them because they may give a very different impression if used inappropriately.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Diagram of Earthquake-resistant buildings [5]

The figures are apartment block and house which build it the volcanic area.

The diagrams illustrate two types of buildings that are designed to reduce the damages of earthquakes.

In each of building have sameness similarities and also differences aspect include that interested to see more.

.... this sentence is very counfusing. You need to re-write this again. Also, this line should go to the next para (overview) because it reveals a major observation.

The buildings have both similarities and differences
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Grammar, Usage / Aunt Ina is an old and weak woman who lives alone! [6]

Every weekend, we will visit Aunt Ina.

Every weekend we visit her.

Mother cooks the lunch and we have a meal together.

.... is this your mother? If so;
My mother cooks lunch there and we all dine together.

Later, my sisters, Aunt Ina and I will play chess.

... keep in present tense as this is a recurrent event.

In the evening, we will go to Lake Gardens.

Aunt Ina likes to sit beside the lake while my sisters and I will jog around the park.

On Sunday, we will return to our home.

We return home only on Sunday.

NOTE: My English is bad so I need help at this forum. Hope someone can help me!

But you are quite good with grammar :)
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Rechargable vs Disposal Battery [3]

It is difficult to provide comments without seeing the graph. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block to upload the graph. Note that this is a task which attempts to assess your report writing skills. So you need to adopt a more formal reporting tone.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / The bar chart depicts the percentage how Britons spent the amount of money for buying fast foods [2]

Given theThe bar chart depicts the percentage how Britons spent the amount of money for buying three types of fast food: Hamburgers, Fish & Chips and Pizza. Moreover, the line graph illustrates the fast-food consumption ranging from 1970 to 1990.

Your should adopt a more formal style of writing that suits report writing. Be concise and clear in expressing your observations.

In general, the figures reveal that hamburger was the highest income in weekly which was the popular meal consumption, while fish and chips had a fluctuation percentage during a period of 20 years.

This is the line where you should give an overview of this visual presentation. What you've written above are not the most obvious observations;

Overall, both high and average income groups have spent more on Hamburgers while the low income group has spent more on Fish and Chips during the period under review. It is also observed that overall consumption of Hamburger and Pizza had an upward trend while Fish and Chips consumption had a downward trend during these twenty years.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Resident Staff program - personal qualities and professional skills [2]

Abilities to communicate, analyze, and lead are three essential skills in a role asfor a Resident AdvisorAdviser .

These three skills were and still are significant in my life as they assisted me in the maturity both as a person and as a leader.

... Do not crowd your sentences with too many redundant words.
These three skills helped me mature as both a person and leader.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will be able to bring these three skills, among others, to the Resident Staff program in the years to come.

Without any doubt, I would bring these three skills along with me to the Resident Staff program this year.
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / The proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040. Writing Task 1 [5]

Your graph is too small for us to get a clear idea about it. Next time upload a bigger image!
This is the approach I suggest you to follow for this task;
1. Introduce the graph (your first sentence satisfies this requirement)
2. Give an overview (don't give any detail such as data - briefly discuss the main trends)
3. Give the details
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 [6]

The expected percentages are taken from three different countries between 1940 and 2040.

Well, this line has an issue. You can use the phrase "expected percentage" for the growth figures from then 2014 on wards. However, from 1940 up to date do not come under expectations.

Overall, the percentages of ageing population from two Western countries has risen steadily in ten decades. In any case, this proportion declined slightly in Japan, but will be gradual rebound from 2000 onwards.

Very good overview :)

A closer look at the data reveals that the numbers of ageing population in the two Western countries have no significant difference. Standing at approximately 9 % in 1940, the percentage of older population in USA increased steadily to 10 % in the next ten years, then followed by the proportion of Swedish population aged 65 or more rose from 6 to 8 percent. Both figures, after a short peak in the forth decade, decreased gradually. The percentage of older population in USA had remained steady in 14%, while this figure in Sweden had broken a record, peaking at 20% in 2010 but falling again in the ninth decade. The proportion of ageing population in USA and Sweden will be predicted to rise dramatically until 2040.

... It's good to have about two paragraphs to discuss the details of the graphs. I notice Pahan has suggested a good approach for this - he says it is good to group data according to their similarities and differences. Have one body para to discuss similarities and the other to discuss differences. I feel that's a very good approach to handle your body paras :)
dumi   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / TECHNOLOGY; PROBLEM AFFECTING MY COMMUNITY [6]

by the looking our life there are many problem to talk about but we are always chose the one that affected on us.

... I don't understand why you included this sentence here :( Is it a part of your answer?

However, there are lots of different types of technology and each has its own benefits and features ,Technology is the problem that affected round the world and our community too , technology being a part of modern life is a controversial one.

These lines sound very contradictory to one another. It's very difficult to understand the purpose of your writing. Is this a part of your college application?
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Weather in Dubai is extremely contrasted - IELTS Task [7]

The table and the graph shows the average temperature and annual rainfall in Dubai.

The table and the graph show/ The table shows/ The graph shows
Well, I don't agree with "average temperature". It shows the minimum and and maximum temperatures. This is what I suggest for your introduction;

The table and graph provide information about temperature and rainfall in Dubai on monthly basis.

The table tells us Dubai as a warm place.

This is a conclusion. In this section you need to give an overview of what those visuals present.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Global population figures and figures for urban populations [5]

The first graph illustrates the trend of wold society growth from 1800 to 2100, while the second chart depicts a prediction in the future over a 25-year period.

Many students try to replace the words that appear in the prompt with synonyms. It is really not necessary and can be dangerous too. Here you have used the word "society" to replace "population" and it gives a total different meaning. It is ok to use the same words as in your prompt so long as you rephrase the sentence. If you have some appropriate words to replace the words in the prompt, then it's ok. Otherwise use them as they are.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Undergraduate / Study Objectives - Brazilian project : Mechanical Engineer [3]

At the beginning I didn't have a clear idea about the role of an engineer. However as I continued my studies under the guidance of good teachers, I gained a great insight about the different facets of engineering. Then I found my real passion lies with ?????? (specify your engineering field)

This is the guideline I provide for SOP.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Scholarship / What could my school do to better promote diversity? [4]

So let's start off with what diversity is

In my view, this does not contribute much for your essay. I feel the next sentence provides you with a better entrance.

Well , diversity involves being accepting and have respect

.... some grammar issues :(
Diversity involves being accepted and able to respect differences.
I like if you give a better definition about diversity as this one does not quite deliver what it is. Here's some idea about diversity;

The concept of diversity encompasses acceptance and respect. It means understanding that each individual is unique, and recognizing our individual differences. These can be along the dimensions of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, physical abilities, religious beliefs, political beliefs, or other ideologies. It is the exploration of these differences in a safe, positive, and nurturing environment. It is about understanding each other and moving beyond simple tolerance to embracing and celebrating the

rich dimensions of diversity contained within each individual.

dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Letters / LETTER TO A COUSIN; Directed writing O levels English [6]

Hope you are enjoying and I am also enjoying the winters

Hoe you are enjoying the winters.

How are you? Hope you are enjoying and I am also enjoying the winters. I was greatly pleased with your wise suggestion last time, it really solved my tensions. Now I am to disclose you another important matter and seek your advice.

How is life? Hope you are enjoying the nice weather these days. Here we enjoy a very pleasant weather. In fact I am writing to you this letter to get some wise advice from you for a problem that has put me in lots of stress.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Graduate / My life as a physician; SOP-MPH-UBC [2]

Well, I found your SOP is a bit too crowded and not flowing so well :( I would like to provide you with a guide line (which I found in a website) for you to check whether your SOP is aligned with the characteristics it describes.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Undergraduate / There is no challenges so difficult, no goals so impossible; Clep college [4]

It's good if we have an idea about your prompt so that we can check whether your answer is aligned with that. Include your prompt with the essay!

The goals are the most important part of thea person's life.

Each and every people have their own personal goals.

All people / Each person / Every person / Each and every person

I totally agree with this statement for following three reasons.

You talk about a statement which you have not introduced to the reader. By any chance, is this essay written for practicing for TOEFL or IELTS?
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The percentage of international student in different Canadian provinces [3]

The chart indicates the percentage of overseaforeigngraduate students from universities based on several regions in Canada from 2001 to 2006.
"overseas" is the common usage . "foreign students/ International students " are more appropriate terms to use.
You have a problem with your overview para;

According to the chart, in 2001, the percentage of overseas graduate students per each region in Canada had only about 3-to-7 percent. Meanwhile, in 2006, this figure had increased by nearly 4.5 percent to 12 percent higher than those in 2001.

In the overview, you should discuss the major observations in brief without details like specific data and statistics. For example;
Overall, except for the province of Alberta, the other provinces have gained in the number of foreign university students during the year under review. While New Brunswick has recorded the highest number of foreign students, British Colombia had recorded the highest growth in the numbers of international students.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Population figures in Japan [5]

Thanks for your correction, but i'm trying to improve my grammar skill, so i decided to use complex grammar in each sentence.

It's good for putting effort to improve your grammar by constructing more complex sentences. However, for this task, what you need more is clear and concise sentences that report your visual observations. Since these observations deal with too much data and statistics, lengthening your sentences is not a very good idea. What you present should be more comprehensible to the reader.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Human is a complicated creature; Classifying people [3]

It classify people

It classifies people

It classify people by their cleverness and diligence to four classes, the people who are clever and diligent, the people who are clever and lazy, the people who are stupid and lazy, and the people who are stupid and diligent.

.... Interesting classification - trying to figure out to which I'm falling ....LOL

They are the most effective people because they are clever and diligenT .

... Avoid repetition too much. You said this in the previous line too and it is implied and understood.
I find a bit of repetition in the previous para too, specially with the phrase "Classifying people ". It appears almost in every sentence there.

They are obviously the most effective people.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the chart in global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video [6]

The given bar chart shows the number of global products: games software, DVD/Video and CDs sold during a particularthe period of time, from 2000 to 2003.

The given bar chart shows the number of global products: games software, DVD/Video and CDs sold during the period of time, from 2000 to 2003. According to the chart, the sales of games software rose gradually during the three years. Meanwhile, in the case of the DVD/Video, this figure had more double sales than that of games software. However, there was a slight decrease of sold CDs from 2000 onwards.

.... excellent introduction and overview :) You follow the best structure for this task now :)
Very good writing. I think you are now ready for this task if you managed the time allowed for this one :)
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Tourism; When visiting another country, huge cultural differences may arise. [3]

sometimes huge cultural differences arise.

, they sometimes experience major cultural differences.

Nowadays people tend to travel on daily basis. When an individual visits another country, sometimes huge cultural differences arise. Some people suggest that visitors should follow local customs and behaviour, while others state that the host country should welcome these cultural differences.

Pretty good introduction, but the one feature is missing here. Conclude your introduction with a clear statement written on your opinion. :)
In my personal view, I believe that both visitors and hosts should have lots of respect and tolerance for each others' cultures.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Letters / IELTS = Letter writing; Sharing room with another student [3]

I am writing inwith regard to my current college accommodation in college.

I am a second year student of computers.

You should have introduced yourself before you told the purpose of your letter.

I am writing in regard to my current college accommodation. I am a second year student of computers.

I am ?????(your name), a second year undergraduate attached to the Science faculty. My purpose of writing this letter to you is to seek your assistance regarding an issue that I encounter with regard to accommodation.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 :World population figures and urban population in different world region. ) [4]

how about this for introduction
The charts show theworld nation growth from 1800 to 2100, and prediction of urban population in other regions between 2015 and 2040.

.... "world nation growth" - don't sound nice :( ...
Well, there is no harm in taking the parameter title which your prompt contains in your introduction. It is the presentation of your introduction that should be different from the prompt and you can do that by rephrasing. Here what I suggest;

The graphs show the population trends. While the line graph illustrates the global population trend from 1800 to 2100, the bar chart illustrates the urban population trend from 2011 to 2015.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Teenage or Adult life - which brings more happiness in life? [7]

Happiness is a fascinating state of mind, where you relish yourself forgetting all the worries.

This might occur during any part of one's life. Some people say it happens during teen ages and few argue that it is the adult life which brings happiness.

Actually, your essay should be more focused on happy periods of life rather than giving more emphasis on happiness. They are slightly different.
Everybody goes through happy and sad phases in life. Some people say that teenage years are the happiest period in one's life and the adulthood deals with more challenges that does not allow one to enjoy life.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Scholarship / Europe is the most popular place among the students! [15]

Sorry... I am attending to so many threads because I have to give everybody a chance and missed your thread. Hope it's not too late yet.

I have graduated from Bachelor of English and Literature and my extra-curricular is work as volunteer at International Peace Organization that focus on Education and Healthy, and i have no any achievement.

English and Literature is my first choosechoicecourse

... I find many parts of this para as irrelevant.
I am a Bachelor of English and Literature and work as a volunteer at International Peace Organization that focuses on education and health.
Well, I don't know how to help you with as your essay is very disorganized. Pay attention to what SHanafi says and re-do this essay and post it here.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Teenage or Adult life - which brings more happiness in life? [7]

Happiness is a stage where you relish yourself forgetting all your worries

I find this definition has some issues. Happiness is actually not a stage, but a mental status. There are no grammatical errors here, but I find it difficult to conceive the meaning of your sentence. :(

This may occur during any part of one's life.

... I feel happiness occurs moment to moment... rather than during specific different phases of time :D
You write very well and I think you can aim at a very good band :)
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / What would I change in my village if I could get an opportunity! [4]

As a person who is living in a capital city same as Tehran, I'd like to improve public transportation system.

.... why are you referring to Tehran? Is it the city are living?

From my point of view, the government should develop that due to solve traffic jams, air contamination and making people more relaxed.

This is irrelevant to your topic. It asks you what would you want to change in your village and why you want to do that. So you need to talk about the importance of changing the public transportation system in your village and how you are going to do that.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The Chart in Global Sales of Games Software, CDs and DVD or Video [9]

I like your overall approach for this task though it has some small issues. However, I feel you need to improve its presentation.

This appearance was presented the global sales in three types creation; games software, DVD/video, CDs in four consecutive years, ended at 2003.

Simply say what it illustrates;
The bar chart illustrates how global sales of games software, DVD/Video and CDs have changed during the period of 2000 to 2003.

Reviewing in past four years CDs take the highest number of sales. The peak of trade occurs in 2000 nearly 40 billion dollars. Whether we peruse, sales of CDs was declined slightly from 38 billion dollars in 2000 to 32 billion dollars in 2003.

... This is your overview part and here you should have the major observations in trends discussed. You should not have more details here;
According to the bar chart, CDs have recorded the highest sales of all time although there had not been any significant growth in their sales during the four years. The sales of DVD/Videos shows the highest growth in sales and while the sales of Games software too had grown noticeably during the period under review.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Summarising two charts (Demand and electricity usage during typical day) [6]

These two figures show regarding demand for electricity in UK during typical day.

This task aims at assessing your report writing skills. So, your writing should be aligned with a more reporting tone.
The two figures illustrate the demand for electricity in UK during a typical day and the purpose of electricity being used.

The depictory of line chart reported unit of electricity using during winter and summer, while the pie chart shows percentage of purposeing using in electricity.

The line graph presents the number of units of electricity demanded during winter and summer while the pie chart presents the percentage of each purpose that electricity being used.
dumi   
Jan 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Why people go to the museum ? [7]

The museum preserves thefacts of cultural, historical and scientific heritages

.... I guess you meant "artifacts" , don't you?
The museum is the place where the objects and artifacts of cultural, historical and scientific interest are stored, exhibited and preserved.

However, based on my experience and according to my observation, I believe that going to the museum is important.

"based on" refers to your observations too.

The one way to improve knowledge of their history is taking up the museum.

Visiting museums is a great way to gain knowledge on one's history and cultural heritage.

a teacher who teachestaught historya historical subject suggested going to the museum

I see a major improvement in your writing with regard to its structure :)

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