Writing Feedback / The sale numbers of known cellular brands in the middle of the first decade of the 21st century [4]

Irfan, you had some problems with your use of past tense in this chart essay. Please review the past tense rules and remember them for future essays. I corrected those for your below.

The table describes the number of SOLD mobile phones from several brands,...between 2005 and 2006,AS measured in percentage

Overall, Nokia WAS the most popular with the highest of market share in both YEARS,WITH OTHER others brands SELLING ONLY HALF OF THE EQUIVALENT NOKIA UNITS. - Remember to speak in past tense. You are speaking of previous years.

Based on the data, the percentage of Nokia has rose steadily from 32.5% to 35%

the proportion of Motorola had been following followed with

Although brand of Samsung did not dominate,

it can beat Sony Ericsson, LG and BenQ Mobile

This is WAS proven by the amount of Samsung selling SOLD at 12.7%, WHICH only decreased by 1% over following THE a year.

slightly DECREASED

only different DIFFERED

Undergraduate / U Chicago Supplement - I have a mind that does not stick - the importance of 'useless' trivia [5]

Cecily, let's get something straight here. There is no such term as your mind does not stick. The proper term is "nothing sticks to my brain." or "My mind is a blank." Connoting that the mind does not retain what it reads and the brain cannot successfully process the learning steps. Having read your complete essay, I would like to offer another option for you to use in describing your mind. Try using "My mind will not focus". Yes. That seems like the correct term for you to use here. Let me explain why.

Throughout your essay I noticed that the problem with you is that you cannot remember things. Rather, because of your love of reading, since you describe yourself a nerd, you want to learn about everything and anything that comes your way. You are easily distracted. Therefore, it is not that things do not stick to your mind, but rather, you cannot focus on one learning process at a time. This is seen in the way you ended up going to the library for Hamlet and came out reading about Mother's Courage and Her Children instead. If you use the correct term, your explanation in the essay makes more sense.

Notice how you did not know about the band Steely Dan but you knew the history of the band name. Therefore, the information you read sticks to your mind. It is a gift that you should definitely highlight. Don't ever say "my mind does not stick" though, that is not true. Rather, everything you read sticks to your mind. Perhaps you have a photographic memory? Look up the term. It might help you further develop your explanation.

Definitely a very interesting essay. Congratulations on successfully reeling in your reader :-) Just change the term and everything will be perfect afterwards.

Undergraduate / Is my admission counselor making my essay worse?- Autobiographical Essay for Columbia GS [4]

Nathalie, it seems that your counselor was aiming to make your statement sound politically correct in order to enhance your application profile. She did not dumb down the essay. Rather, she tried to align it with what she knew would better resonate with the admissions officer reading your paper. The terms that she corrected were not meant to degrade your intelligence or dumb down the paper. Rather, she was aiming to remove the redundancy of terms and in the process, bring more life to an otherwise one dimensional paper.

For example. first she allowed you use the term musical pieces and then later on changed the word pieces to songs. I am not familiar with Di Blasio's music but I do know that using the word pieces to describe music twice tends to allow a certain repetitiveness to the essay. By changing the term, she managed to let the reviewer know that you have a wider range of vocabulary skills than expected.

When the counselor changed the term girl to person, she was being politically correct. As I have come to understand it, most colleges and universities now prefer that the gender of their applicants and students remain neutral as possible so as not to offend any particular sector of the community. She was trying to do you a favor. Please don't take it against her. When you get to college, you will realize that your professors will try to prevent you from identifying gender in your research and essay papers. So get used to it this early.

Again, I don't get the sense that she was dumbing down your essay. As EF Carol said your counselor is the professional in the room. So take her word for it when it comes to the needed changes. That said however, nobody can stop you from using your original terms once you submit the paper to the university.

Graduate / My main goal is to learn and apply the learning's in life - SOP for Masters in Data Science [3]

Nikhil, your statement of purpose is not really as impressive as you think it to be. While you were off to a perfect start with your opening statement, you dropped the ball with your succeeding paragraphs. I urge you to discuss more of your professional life and accomplishments rather than your college projects and extra curricular activities. These pieces of information do not tell the reviewer anything solid about your future plans and goals. So it does nothing for your application.

What the reviewer is looking for is your passion for your current profession. What drives you to succeed in this field? At what point in your career do you currently find yourself at? How do these things affect your desire for higher education? Do you feel that the degree will truly help your career? What do you base that assumption on? Tell the reviewer how you see your career progressing should you be able to complete the degree. The reason that I have listed these questions for you is because the reviewer looks for representations of those questions in your statement of purpose. You need to represent your future plans and goals as it directly relates to the course you are interested in taking up otherwise he will not have any idea as to why you have a professional interest in the course.

Talking about your 8 year career will help you direct this paper in more ways than you think. Let the reviewer know how difficult it was for you to achieve your current position and what you learned along the way. Don't neglect the necessity of your academic training and improvement because if certain professional shortcomings you plan to improve with further study.

Rather than talking about your immediate future, discuss your long range plans over 5-10 years. That way the reviewer will see the importance of the masters degree to your career plans and development. He is definitely interested in knowing what those plans are and how they can help you achieve it.

Writing Feedback / TED talk regarding nuclear power - the nuclear fusion reactor is built. [2]

Asep, I am not really sure what the topic you are trying to summarize is. It is not fluid at all and seems to start in the middle of a thought instead of at the beginning of one. I mean, you don't have an introduction to the topic, you don't identify the speaker, you don't identify what the talk was about, where it was held, and the reason the the talk. That is why the statement you opened the essay with does not really make sense.

When you are writing a summary of a TED talk, you need to supply certain information at the beginning of the essay in order to give the reader a direction. To let them know what the topic is about and who the speaker is. What makes him important? What makes this TED talk special? Remember the 5 W's when writing a summary:

1. Who
2 . What
3.Where
4. When
5. Why

When you say, "Kid is a person who can generate creative thinking." What exactly do you mean? How does it related to this Taylor Wilson? Why should we care about him and his accomplishments? So what if his experiment with a nuclear reactor succeeded? What difference does it make to me?

Why did the government decide to financially support his experiments? What did he do for them? Why should we care that he created a nuclear fusion reactor? There are just so many questions produced by the lack of information in your essay that your written words are basically useless to anyone. It does not inform at all. There is a lack of comprehension skills, flow of thought, and grammatical accuracy. Unfortunately, the grammatical problems cannot be fixed at this point because it would be a waste of time. The information in the essay should be corrected first then the grammar last.

Graduate / 'Responsibility of the eldest' - Statement of Intent for Master of Management (Finance) at MBS. [2]

Tania, there are a number of problems with your statement of intent. The first and biggest problem, is that you placed your actual intention at the end of the statement instead of in the introduction where it belongs. The reviewer is not interested in the fact that you will eventually be the financial head of the family. He also does not care about your college academic undertakings nor the clubs, and competitions that you participated in. In fact, those portions of your statement prove every reason why you should not be considered a strong contender for a masters degree. You never discuss any shortcomings and negative aspects of your application. That is never done. Unless you really want to make sure you don't get the student slot. Take those out of the essay. Take out all references to your family. Take out all references to your college degree. Concentrate on your internship at this financial house. That is the only way to strengthen your statement of intent.

A statement of intent, in case you do not know it, is supposed to let the reviewer know all about your future plans after you complete your masters degree. It is similar to a statement of purpose in that respect. That means you need to propose a goal for your reason of study and clearly explain why this goal is important to your career aspirations.

In case you are having a problem figuring out how to fix your essay, I can suggest a way that you can do that. In your last paragraph you state that you: " have been doing an internship for six-month period at a private company in Indonesia engaging in Cargo and Shipping industry. During this period, I will have a job rotation in Logistics, Finance and Accounting department which will allow me to have a better understanding on how the system works. Soon after my completion of master's degree, I will be joining this company for the managerial position in Finance. Therefore, this course would help me to later improve the existing financial system in the company."

This is your statement of intent.This is what you should develop as your goal. Explain how completing the masters degree will help you achieve career success at this corporation. Outline your goal plan and relate it to the training that the university offers. Build up the end result of your plans and make sure to sound encouraging. Discuss your accomplishments as an intern. Do not dwell or mention any negatives you have or had. Just be as positive as you can be. Make sure that this paper will strongly support your statement of purpose when the time comes.

Writing Feedback / What is the life in a media-rich society? [3]

Hasbi, your first paragraph is not clearly written. By that, I mean that your thesis and opinion are not stated in a comprehensible manner within the paragraph. Therefore, you need to work on your thought process and how you can get that restatement of the prompt, which is required in the essay, clearly stated. The last line in your first paragraph should state that you will discussing the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media rich society.

In your second paragraph, please spell-check the name of the presidential candidate. His name is Donald TRUMP, not Trumpt. Explain how his media exposure changed the mindset of people about him so that he has become a serious contender for the office of the president of the United States. What were the positive and negative effects of his media popularity? How did it affect public perception? Complete your discussion. Right now your discussion is not clear and does not offer any evidence to support your claims regarding the popularity of the man.

Remember, when the prompt said "media-rich" society, it did not limit itself to only television and newspapers. a media-rich society consists of social media, print media, television media, and radio media. All of these combine to influence the public way of thought and impressions of news topics or opinions of people in general. Your third paragraph should be revised to reflect that information in order to make it more in line with the prompt expectations.

Your concluding paragraph needs grammar work but I can understand the message you are trying to share with the reader. Although confusing to read, it gets the point across. So, if you can just revise the paragraph for thought content and clarity, it will be an excellent closing statement for your response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Important life lessons from Panera Bread [3]

Romi, this is a nice work experience essay in response to the prompt. It is encouraging to know that you are quite observant of your surroundings and that you easily pick up lessons from the lives of those around you. However, I believe that you need to refocus the essay on a single work experience that had the most impact upon you. I am thinking that maybe you should concentrate on your relationship with Alex alone. After all, the prompt indicates that you choose only one person and experience to discuss in this essay.

From what I gather, you learned a lot about Alex and your friendship was quite an eye opener. You discovered many things about Alex that helped you get to know Alex better and also allowed you to learn about how much different and lucky your background is. That sounds more like a prompt adherent response than the one you have at the moment.

Right now, you discuss Alex at some length and then give a mix of other lessons and experiences you learned. Since these were not fully threshed out and were not person specific, it doesn't really create the kind of strong impression that your paragraph about Alex did. When you write an essay like this, it is important to focus on the experience and the lesson you learned. If you present more than one experience, the impact of the essay is lessened. Perhaps you can concentrate on the lessons and experience that you gained from your friendship with Alex instead? You can still use your last paragraph is you wish to. You just need to revise it a bit to reflect just the Alex experience :-)

Undergraduate / 'the rice trees under the fog blanket' - your day on April 29,2015 [5]

Definitely better Lan :-) If you want to use this essay, you have to clean up the grammar first. Let me help you with that. I'll be posting the corrections below.

I quickly get out of my bed

Today is THE 29th of April 2025

I admire the sunrise gradually ILLUMINATING the misty metropolis

I reminisce the sunrise in the paddy field in my hometown:
-Clarify if you are currently in your hometown. That is a bit unclear in this line.

I've GOTTEN THIS FAR

and currently , AS the founder and CEO of

Having EXERCISED

WHEN I ARRIVE,

because of ... We we are aiming at becoming the biggest seafood exporter to THE American and EUROPEAN market.

I'm proud TO CREATE PROSPERITY.

the extra mile IN making a difference

the audiences - Audience is both the singular and plural form of the word.

Graduate / Help with Statement of Purpose for MS in Engineering and concentration in chemical engineering!! [4]

Brooke, we have quite a number of MS Engineering applicants coming to us for advice here. I suggest that you try to look up the samples that we have just so you can get an idea about how to write your statement of purpose. While you may consider it a bit difficult to connect the two, there are ways that you can somehow find a relation for them.

Believe it or not, your degree in BS Chemistry is not one of the deciding factors in your application for masters studies. You see, as a professional seeking higher education, what the admissions committee will be looking at and considering will be your professional credentials. That is, they will look for a connection between your job and the course you are looking to enroll in. So consider yourself quite lucky to have a job at the power plant :-)

Having said that, you can develop your statement of purpose based upon your job description at the power plant. Concentrate on how yo developed an interest in Chemical Engineering because of that exposure. Since yo work there full time, I am sure that you have a boatload of experience that you can draw from and relate as part of your career and interest progression. Don't forget to highlight and jobs that you undertook that allowed for direct exposure to Chemical Engineering. The idea is to show the committee that though you lack an academic foundation, you more than made up for it through practical experience.

As for your concern relating to the unrelated college degree, don't worry about it. The admissions officer reviewing your essay will not really consider your college background as it is unrelated to your current work experience and study interests. We really cannot predict or judge as to what kind of background information on your side will earn the interest of the reviewer and adcom. So just keep the focus on the power plant experience that you have since that is the strongest part of your application. Focus your energies on that.

Let the reviewer come to an understanding as to how you plan to utilize this degree in the future. Give the reader an idea as to how you feel that this degree will help you further climb the career ladder. Most of all, how will your future knowledge benefit society? Insure that you put a spotlight on why you chose this online university course in particular. Try to keep your statement between 250-500 words as that is the standard limit for statement essays. You may increase the word count if the university allows for it :-)

I hope I was able to help you at least get started with a draft for your personal statement :-)

Writing Feedback / The chart gives information about the proportion of rail transport in four different states in 2007 [2]

Suhel, you interpreted the chart properly. The grammar that you used just needs to be corrected. Let me show you the correct form of your mistakes below:

states during in 2007

At first glance , it is evident that while people use rail transport in USA, THE COUNTRY ALSO witnessed ITS lowest point WITH cargo carried saw PRODUCING the highest level.

The WITH regards to United Kingdom

people using rail transport WAS just over one in twenty and

while WHERE the number of people

had fairly lower pointS

On IN the other words, THE USA tends to BE AT the bottom levels.


- I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. Please clarify.

billions of tons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Big Influence of media-rich society [5]

Bayu, I hate to say this but, you really misunderstood what the prompt meant by a media-rich society. You concentrated your essay on the television, which is one of the oldest forms of media. While that is one of the correct responses of the essay, the more proper response would have been for you to consider the new face of media or the "media-rich" which is composed of television, mobile phones, tablets, laptops, smart watches, etc. All of these are part of the new era of mass media. Therefore, you should have given your essay a more generalized direction, not really concentrating on a single form of media alone.

That said, you need to revise the essay to reflect the correct definition of "media" and "media-rich". What you will need to do is write a new essay that discusses the advantage and disadvantage from that angle. Your discussion about the television can actually be rephrased in order to apply the focus more on mass media. You have some pretty solid lines of reason in this essay so you don't need to do too much rewriting to correct it.

Your conclusion is also quite short and improperly discussed. As you know, it is important that the conclusion merely be a summary of the essay. It is unacceptable to have the writer present new ideas, as you did in this essay because adding new ideas prevents the conclusion of the line of reasoning in the essay. So you need to further develop that discussion and then add another paragraph that properly closes the essay instead.

Poetry / A critical line by line analysis of the road not taken by robert frost [3]

Donika, the work you have done so far is a good start for a critical review. It offers a clear foundation for your review and includes some very important and salient points. As a critique though, there is a lot more that you can do in order to stretch the essay. Didn't your professor offer you further instructions before giving the assignment? Usually professors offer a complete outline of what they expect to see in the essay. That should help you to complete the four pages. Without it though, you will be pressed to complete a total of 4 pages. So what can you do to stretch it?

You could start by choosing the lines of the poem that appeal to you the most. Do an in-depth analysis of the line in relation to the characterization of the speaker. Try to analyze the deeper meaning of the line in reference to the overall poem or the background of Frost. Remember, poets usually pull from real life experiences in their works. So you could try to look deeper into the mindset of Frost when he wrote this essay by doing some research on his background and the events that surrounded his composition of the poem.

For example, you can look into the possibility that the character voice in the poem belongs to Frost himself or someone he knew based upon the written word. What is the personal connection of the poem? Why do you think he wrote certain lines? Would it be quite possible that Frost had some particular person in mind to address the poem to? Remember, in a critical analysis, you need to go beyond the technical and obvious assumptions about the poem. To be a good critic, you need to be able to go beyond the common sense understanding of the poem.

Another approach to this essay is to read the other critiques of the poem online. Try to represent your own opinion of the poem based upon the opinion of others that came up during your research. That usually helps to lighten the task of writing accurate critiques of literary work. Google is usually a students best friend in this case :-)

Undergraduate / Why U Chicago - polymath education for an aspiring critic [6]

Hi Tom :-) Why are you using a female identity by the name of Cecily? Are you borrowing her account?

Anyway, The sentences that you added really helped the essay. Before you wrote those lines, there was a lack of fluidity and transition in the essay. The information that you included certainly helped the flow of the essay. It is now smoother to read and offers the reviewer the opportunity to understand the basis of your interest in English.

Speaking of English as your major, I suggest that you include a mention of that within the essay. English is actually the reason you are enrolling at U Chicago. Your ambition to become a critic is a spin off of your interest in that field. By all means, please try to connect English and your future career ambitions in the essay. If there is anything special about the English curriculum of U Chicago that impresses you then discuss that too. Added to the core values talk, it should help portray you as a well rounded college bound person.

Now, regarding the word count. Normally and essay of this type has a minimum of 250 words and a maximum of 500. You can bat for 300 words as a proper length for the essay. If you have access to the university website chat, email, or if you can call the administration office, you can most likely get a confirmation regarding the word count. The rule of thumb however, is that you have to keep it short but informative in order to keep the attention of the reviewer.

Good luck with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / TASK II : difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives [3]

Aditya, we should work on improving your vocabulary at this point. Your thoughts and opinions are good. However, you are unable to grammatically express yourself in the proper manner. Aside from the corrections that Asep presented above, I too have some suggestions. Please refer to my suggested corrections below:

Media is the CENTER POINT of information.
- You accidentally reversed the term here.

Media has become A part of

single ACTIVITIY
- Single connotes singular form so do not use the plural term or rephrase it to "all activities"

You need to complete the message of your introduction by presenting an overview of your opinion regarding the matter.

Turning to demerit, media can influence
- rephrase at "One of the negatives is that media can influence"

the human POINT OF VIEW
- Wrong use of the term. You seem to keep confusing the terms :-)

For instance, the worse, breaking news, which is always broadcasted on television can make their viewers provoked to believe what they see and hear such as Israel attacking Palestina by the brutal actions in order that the viewers will be easy provocated and judge Israel as the troublemakers.

- For instance, the media broadcasts bad news such as the Israeli attack on Palestine, which led to a misconception and prejudgement of Israel as troublemakers.

The people can be easily get much information

unfoldsthe huge sources

on worldwide

in order FOR society is able to consume ACCESS that information.

fast media NEWS can be spread

the accident in orderthat within hours .

ALMOST everyone in the world has known KNEW about that case.

BECOMING smart viewers is the best way to PROPERLY USE THE the influence of media.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Should students have longer vacations than before? [2]

Shang, one of the elements that is tested in the TOEFL test is your ability to comprehend the essay prompt. In order to accurately perform that task, you need to properly introduce the topic in summary form, which you did. However, you are lacking an overview of the reasons that you will be discussing in the essay, which is a necessary element of the introductory topic. If you can inform the reader as to what reasons you will be stating, they will have an idea as to how the essay conversation will flow.


- This should end in a colon marked as : since you are expected to begin enumerating your reasons thereafter.

I will commend you at this point for a balanced discussion regarding the pros and cons of a long vacation. How long do you have to practice before the TOEFL test? If we are to base your chances of passing on this essay then I would say, imperfect grammar and all, that you have a very good chance of passing it. Speaking of imperfect grammar, you can strive to perfect your use of the English language over time. However, it is not a requirement to pass the TOEFL. You just need to make sure that your thoughts and reasoning will come across to the reader. If your thoughts are incoherent in the practice test, we will be sure to point it out and correct it :-)

Writing Feedback / The TEDTalk summary regarding education. Writing flows and checking grammar. [2]

Asep, while you really presented a good summary, the grammar issues really abound. The sentences are not formed properly so the information sometimes leads the reader to think about what you are trying to say before they can really come to comprehend your thoughts. I'll be revising your whole essay below:

Education gives rise to A better future-life. However, it IT is inevitable that some educators across the world are not of a DO NOT HAVE A tendency for TO teaching in rural areas as there are some possibilities which bring about dire consequence for them. and this THESE circumstance is happened in mostly developing countries. The speaker is in an ATTEMPTED to head to THE countryside in India in which WHERE STUDENTS they could not probably obtain well A GOOD education in order to carry out some research. In THE slum areas of New Delhi, India, the speaker embedded a high-speed computer which THAT can presumably be operated by children. By doing so, over the course of a couple of months, the students have GAINED an ability to speak and understand English as a foreign language . and this THIS event is happened in other rural areas of India.

In addition to this, the speaker was MADE in an effort to educate the pupils in some part of India concerning on biotechnology by utilizing the computer during FOR two months and the machine are WAS operated in English. At the first glance , WHEN he checked to the place, students could not understand. However, after completing a couple of months, they have GAINED an insight regarding this issue. As A computer can teach students, he concludes CONCLUDED that students can educate themselves by using technology on condition THE that they ARE INTERESTED IN THE FIELD.

Take note of the grammatical corrections and bear them in mind as you write your next essay. We need to develop your sentence structure skills :-)

Writing Feedback / The table chart describes the use of trail, categorized by how many people use it [2]

Aditya, The information you provided was quite good. The summary was clear. However, you are using the wrong term for the transport service. As per the chart you uploaded you are supposed to be talking about train or to use the other term, rail travel. Trail is a path to travel upon. There was nothing in the chart that mentioned anything about a trail. So change all references to train or rail travel instead. Now to address the grammar issues. Here is the corrected form:

THE USA witnessed the lowest figures except WHEN IT CAME to cargo carried.

Japaneses were - Japanese is already a plural form

more than ANY other country

by figure at least 6 - 6 what? indicate the measurement of distance.

In terms OF another country,

that THE UK and Italy had relatively the same figures in all categories by solely 0.4

THE USA showed

Writing Feedback / People in America vs Asian and European dwellers - Rail transport table usage in four countries [3]

Bayu, this is a good summary. You covered all the salient points of the chart and ensured that even a lay person, not having seen the chart, can understand what the chart was all about. That said, there are a few grammatical errors that I chose to address for you below in its corrected form:

Overall, Japan had a considerable higher AMOUNT of rail transport userS OVERALL.

In any case, THE USA rail transport SYSTEM brought the highest Cargo MATERIALS in the following year.

There was 0.3 the number of people in America who used THE train as their transportation

The rail transport users in Japan also TRAVELED THE farthest distance AT up to 1980 kilometers per person

addition, THE UK and Italy

though THE USA became the lowest RANKING country

in TERMS OF the distance

this nation had dominated in the number of cargo carried

The others COUNTRIES

Undergraduate / Why U Chicago - polymath education for an aspiring critic [6]

Cecily try to better develop your first paragraph. It is too short and should contain much more information than it does at the moment. I can understand that you decided to become a critic after what you read because you specifically say that. However, you don't really indicate the reasons that led you to that conclusion. Sometimes, when you say that you want to be or become something, it is important that you show the development of that conclusion in order to give the statement validity. Kindly try to do that in your first paragraph in order to help strengthen the conviction of your desire to become a critic.

As you explain those reasons, try to connect those with how you came to the realization that U Chicago was the best place for you to accomplish that. Aside from the information that you gave about how you fit in with their objectives, perhaps you would like to consider mentioning a few notable critics who matriculated from the university. Explain how their influence upon you, no doubt based upon the influence of UChicago at the time, has helped you develop yourself into a amateur critic.

The rest of your discussion in the essay can be considered quite complete and useful. I would not suggest anything be changed with what you wrote. However, just like all other essays, there is always room for improvement. I believe I have found some parts that you can further improve in order to make the essay more convincing for the reviewer. I hope you consider my suggestions :-)

Undergraduate / An activist of veganism - College Application Essay / Following The Prompt? [5]

Mack,you don't really need to tell the reviewer that you did not have a passion in your life before you reached a certain point. Word fillers like that don't really do much to advance your essay. Just tell the reader directly about your passion and use the word count that you saved to further develop your last paragraph. There are also some other parts of the essay that you can omit in order to strengthen the essay and allow you to better develop other important ideas in the essay.

I think you should just focus the essay on veganism and not muddle the discussion with animal rights. Your discussion of animal rights doesn't have any strong impact on the information you already presented on your passion for veganism because it is really supposed to be a separate discussion. So if you leave it off the plate your vegan passion stands out more. There really isn't any place for the line about animal supply and demand because it removes the focus from the main subject of veganism. Save it for another essay.

You need to make that last paragraph stronger. While I applaud you for thoroughly developing the story of your passion, it also weakened the latter part of the paragraph that was meant to develop your passion for Florida State. How you plan to promote veganism at the university and how it would be your legacy project there. Leaving your mark upon the student community long after you graduate. Try to give a clearer picture of how you and the community will benefit from a mutual relationship and understanding of another. You set the platform for that discussion when you said you respect the opinion of others and look forward to learning from them, and vice versa. How will that apply to your veganism? Give the last paragraph the feel of the passion you have to complete your education at the university. Make it equal to, if not surpassing that passion you have for veganism.

Writing Feedback / Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued -IELTS [2]

Hayaal, how would you defend the theory that because actors put their lives on the line doing stunts (such as Tom Cruise, Vin Diesel, and Dwayne Johnson) so their salary should be commensurate to their job risk? Doctors and teachers do not carry any life ending risks in their careers, so why should they get paid more? Doesn't the discussion really boil down to training and expertise instead?

I hope that my statement has helped you realize that your paragraph about the salary that actors get is too under developed as a line of reasoning. What you discussed, normally works only for TV actors who work on a closed set and have a regular income. Other actors, like those in the movies, only get paid per movie. When they make a movie, they have to spend long hours, months, even years, away from their family. All the time putting their lives at risk in our uncertain world in order to keep us entertained.

Doctors and teachers, they are normally located in safer and controlled environments and they always perform the same tasks. While doctors require continuous training due to the development of treatments, similar to actors who have to continue to train for their various movie roles, teachers normally do not. Perhaps you would like to consider a more serious take on the prompt based upon the aforementioned considerations?

While your current essay strongly supports your opinion, you also need to present a strong understanding of the opposing opinion. Otherwise your discussion seems one sided, as it does now. Try to present a balanced point of view in the essay, even though you are being asked to simply agree with one side. It makes for a more valid and considerate discussion of the prompt.

Undergraduate / 'the rice trees under the fog blanket' - your day on April 29,2015 [5]

Lan, when you are writing a formal essay, please do not use shortcuts when stating the date. Always indicate the date in its full presentation of worded month-day-year. You are not filling out an application form, you are informing a highly educated reviewer who will not take kindly to being presented with short cut indicators in an essay. The first thing he will think upon reading that is, "This person is lazy. I don't think he has the potential we are looking for." Your first paragraph is your only chance to create an interesting impression of yourself and what you are about to say to the reviewer, so make it count. Be very careful regarding how you present yourself.

As I read your essay, what I gather is that you are not really talking about your accomplishments on the date of April 29. 2015. Rather, you are talking about your future plans. Future plans that are unrelated and do not really have a way of connecting within you as a professional. Are you sure to have the date right? This essay prompt is normally for 10 years into the future, so everyone else here has written essays for April 29, 2025. You better double check and make sure. I do not believe the UWC will ask you write an essay about the past. These essays always look to the future for who you wish to become in relation to your course.

How you plan to connect agriculture to a hotel chain, which directly connects with tourism is not clearly stated in your essay. In order to make this believable, you first need to convince us that there is a connection between the latter 2 and the first intention. How can a hotel chain and tourism help the farmers? Pinpoint it, explain how you see it happening.

Right now, you are talking about a career in a hotel that does not tell us anything about the plans that you previously stated. So the essay just comes across as unplanned. How does the meeting with the other hotel representatives help your plans for Vietnamese agriculture? Try to read the essay from the point of view of a reviewer. Perhaps you will see how the essay doesn't make any sense at this point.

Scholarship / Why I desire to join the UWC community and reflect on UWC's mission and values - statement [10]

Phong, writing this essay is not all about merely copying what I told you and restating it. When you mentioned 4 of the 9 core core values, you should not have merely listed them down and then moved on to other topics for discussion. Rather, you should have entered into a more detailed explanation as to how you embody those 4 core values in your life.

The prompt wants you to relate how well you understand those core values and can manage to transfer theory into action as a student at UWC. For every core value, explain how you can help the UWC community become even better at implementing their theoretical belief. Being an international scholarship, they need students who are willing to promote their cause for the betterment of the world. That is not very clear in your essay. It is almost as if you only read the 9 core values and then randomly chose 4. If you cannot display a real passion for each value, then you have a very shallow understanding of the scholarship and may not have a very good chance at winning one.

Your essay is still to self centered which makes it difficult to believe that you have actually given any thought as to how the core values affect your life as a UWC student. You need to reassess your reasons for wishing to study there. As a UWC student, you need to be mindful of the needs of others and know how exactly you wish to contribute to their betterment. Once you can understand and explain that, then you will be able to say that you have a solid plan as how to contribute to the UWC community.

Try to research any outreach programs that the UWC sponsors. Find out if there are any organizations within the university that you are interested in joining. Explain how your current interests and community service relate to those activities you are interested in joining. Studying at UWC is not all about the scholarship. It is about becoming a more caring and well rounded person upon graduation. Try to see if you can develop and essay that reflects these pointers I have just given you.

Scholarship / Why I desire to join the UWC community and reflect on UWC's mission and values - statement [10]

That seems to be quite a popular topic for an essay at UWC this semester :-) In reference to your question, yes, being a flight attendant can very well answer that question. The only question is, what story can you come up with to depict that day? There have been 2 other people here at the forum before you who needed help with their essay. I suggest you look at how they approached the topic so that you can have a sample of what you can do with your essay.

Remember, since you want to be a flight attendant, you just have to make sure that you will be doing something remarkable or memorable that day. For example, as a flight attendant, you helped revive a patient who had a heart attack on the plane. Or you served the Duke of Cambridge in first class and learned something about humility from him. Or maybe, it was just an ordinary day that ended in a special way.

There are many approaches to the essay coming from a flight attendant point of view. It would be best if you developed some sort of story draft and then you can post it here for our suggestions and comments. There is only one thing that you have to remember when writing this story, It has to serve a purpose.

The reason it has to serve a purpose is because the story you tell will give the reviewer an idea of what your plans for the next 10 years are and who or what you hope to become by then. It isn't easy to develop that kind of story line but it can be done. From the looks of it, you already have the story idea, just develop it :-) Good luck.

Graduate / PTCAS - improve the human experience [4]

Sara, you must retain your first and last paragraphs. These are moving and highly informative with regards to representing your interest in physical therapy and your future vision for yourself as a therapist. However, I urge you to review and replace your second paragraph. It talks too much about what you observed and what you saw. As such, it deviated from the topic.

The second paragraph should contain information that will lead the reviewer to realize that because you were always on the receiving end of the treatment, you slowly came to understand how you can help improve the human experience during the therapy sessions. Imagine yourself as a licensed therapist at this point. You have a difficult patient who refuses to move because he was traumatized by his accident and injury. Think of a treatment plan.

How would you encourage him to find joy in the painful sessions? This is where the discussion where the "human experience" comes in. You are a part of that human experience. What visions do you have for this patient? How would you help him get over his trauma and encourage him to optimize his limited movement at present so that he can regain full movement in the future? That is one way to approach the response to this question in relation to your vision as a future physical therapist. If you can develop an acceptable treatment plan, regardless of how amateur it is, as long as it is possible to implement, you may just be able to increase your chances at admission :-)

Writing Feedback / TASK II : own business instead of working for a company or organisation [3]

Aditya, your essay is a grammatical nightmare but a reader can somewhat understand what the point you are trying to make is. I would have liked to have seen you discuss this from a first person point of view / interest since the prompt asked you use your own knowledge or experience in discussing your reasons. While using Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg was a good example, these were expected and common examples. As such, your example would not have really impressed the examiner.

Had you approached this essay topic from a personal standpoint, you would have made a better impression on the reviewer. I find it hard to believe that you never dreamed of owning your own business. If you had just added the term "I believe" to the start of your first reason, you would have come across to the examiner as a person who has the ability to analyze the topics on a deeper level than just superficial, which is what Gates and Zuckerberg represent. The more personal your line of reasoning, the better the score you would have gotten.

By the way, what did you mean by" If a private business more and more," It doesn't make any sense. It lacks a coherent thought process. Can you please reconsider what you meant and complete the message / essence of that sentence? In a scored essay test, this mistake would have proven to be costly to you. It could actually have spelled the difference between passing and failing the test. In this case, you would have automatically failed.

Undergraduate / 'hectic and busy life' - Challenges/Hardships That Affected You (Personal Statement!) [4]

Holly, I think you should leave out the first sentence of your last paragraph. Your intuition was right. If you read that line the first time, it sounds quite snide and could leave the reviewer with a totally different impression about you. The line actually does not sound like it would come out from someone who wrote the earlier paragraphs.

I was expecting to read some more about the hardship you faced in dealing with the chronic migraine. For instance, how did your doctor feel when you told him you wanted to try alternative treatment for your illness? What objections did he have? Were you not afraid to try non medically sanctioned treatments? It just seems like you read about the botox treatment then jumped right in. Without consideration or pause. I don't think you were that confident in real life. Remember, you are sharing a highly important part of your life here, be accurate and as descriptive as possible.

Maybe you would like to consider using your chronic migraine and the solution you found in botox as one of the main reasons you were driven to a career in medicine and biomedical engineering? You said that there are still millions of people looking for a solution to their own migraine problems. Perhaps you can choose to make that your professional advocacy since you know first hand how it can impair lives. Such a statement just might help make an even better impression of you as a future student at the university.

Graduate / 'Surrounded by an erudite group of people' Masters in Chemical / Automation Control Engineering; SOP [3]

Hey Naveneeth! Guess what, your paper does not need the reference to your childhood interest in chemicals development. While depicting your childhood interest in chemical reactions would have sounded great on a college application, it is not really something that will help your masters degree application because you were talking about a time in your life when you were not really truly interested in chemicals except for the fun you got out of the comic book experiments. I'd advise you to skip that part. Don't be angry or sad though. There is a good reason why I want you to skip that part. Your essay actually has a better paragraph in it than that one to serve as its opening statement. My advice? Use the following to open the discussion:

Under the tutelage of my professors, I have been influenced to believe that any research done in the field of science and technology should be for the betterment of life and for solving intricate problems, which more often than not, entails an interdisciplinary approach and a broad perspective that can be gained only by having sufficient knowledge in dealing with varying facets in the field...

That paragraph totally implies your reasons for pursuing advanced studies, covers your future career plans, and tells the reviewer all about why you are interested in their university. You hit most of the required topics immediately and any reviewer is sure to remember that information. It will give him reasons to continue reading your statement of purpose to the end.

Then you can make the following your second paragraph:

I took up my final year project on the same concept under the topic "COLUMN STUDIES FOR CHROMIUM REMOVAL FROM AQUEOUS WASTE WATER USING CHITOSAN AS BIOSORBENT". Studies were conducted to test the efficiency of using chitosan as an adsorbent under Batch / Multi-stage & Recycle processes. Tests were also helpful in determining the optimal bed length for the use of the biosorbent. The project was funded by Indian Government Ministry & Department of Science and Technology [project ref No. ____].

This paragraph lets us know that you have tremendous potential as a future chemical/automation control engineer. Your accomplishments may be academic in nature, but it is enough for the Indian government to take notice of. Another excellent addition to your essay. It would further help this paragraph if you complete the discussion by letting us know the outcome of the research. Awards and honors, specifically from the government really help to make a strong impact on the reviewers.

The rest of the essay is alright and is usable. I hope my advice was able to help you further tweak your essay :-)

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Shalini, you seem to have jumped ahead of yourself when you began discussing that you were made a critical resource at HSBC. You need to relate more of your work experience there and develop the reasons why you eventually became a critical resource for the company. Since this sounds like a very important position / task that was assigned to you, it would be highly beneficial to your essay if you could further inform the reviewer regarding your employment there.

In the latter part of your essay, where you placed the <>, perhaps you can discuss how you are willing to risk your current position at your office to take leave of absence in order to seriously devote yourself to your masters degree studies. Then develop ideas as to how you willingness to do that is based upon the possibility of more lucrative employment in a related field? I am not really sure as to how to advise you regarding that portion because I am not sure myself of what you want to say in that particular area of the essay.

Overall though, a marked improvement in the content of the essay. If you could just revise the whole essay and then post it here, we will be better able to review your essay and advise you regarding any remaining adjustments that may need to be made :-)

Undergraduate / Essay on my religion - my story. [6]

Josh, what exactly is the story you are trying to tell? I am not clear about that aspect of your essay because you seem to be jumping around from introducing your family, to who the influential people are in your life, and your personal interests. It is uneven and choppy storytelling. The ideas you present are all under developed and without reason or rhyme. Basically, the whole essay (or speech?) is a mess.

Why not let us know what story you are being asked to tell first? If we know what you are supposed to be doing, we can better guide you towards the development and direction of your story. For example, in the part about your friends, you needed to develop the story about their influence on you and why your brother thought they were bad influences. The way you have that part set up right now, it seems to be one of the important points of the essay but you did not offer it enough development to truly matter.

What are the special place holders in the essay? Are you writing a story, making a speech, or introducing yourself to your classmates? You can't really leave your reader wondering about what you mean when you say (for some reason). You never set up any interaction between your brother and your close friends to lead the reader or listener to personally assess the situation as negative.

Then, you speak about the fights you have with your brother. It is unacceptable to simply say that you fight the most with the one that you love. This is the most childish of the paragraphs you have written. It needs to be made more interesting for the reader by clearly explaining the reasons behind the fights and how those fights helped you develop as a person.

Also, the title of your post is : My Religion and yet aside from the country of your birth, there is no reference to that topic in your essay. Did you just forget to work that in or was the title wrong? Try to represent that topic when you revise this essay because it seems to be the prompt for your story.

Basically, this essay needs and over all revision. You need to be guided regarding how to write a story. So far, you know the wrong way to do it. Maybe we can still help you learn the right way to write it :-)

Undergraduate / Knowledge is useless if it is not shared with the world... [4]

Leo, your first paragraph, while strong, is not really useful in the essay. You don't need such a flower introduction to your statement of purpose. You should begin the essay from what is currently your second paragraph instead. Don't waste the time of the reviewer telling him information about yourself that he can learn by assessing your other submitted documents. Regardless of how you assess your adequacy as a student, it is the reviewer's opinion on your essay and grade transcript that will matter the most. So you don't really need that paragraph.

In your second paragraph, you unintentionally created a question in the mind of the reviewer that you did not provide an answer to. When you say achieve your goals, what goals are those? Is is becoming a physicist? If so, explain why. Why is it so important to you that you cannot even wait to finish your degree before pursuing those opportunities? Be sure to always second guess the reviewer. Always review your statements from his point of view. Is it informative? Does it lack additional information? Does it lack substance as a paragraph? Make sure to plug those possible holes with responses. Remember, if you think the paragraph is good, it can be better. Look for the loopholes that could affect your statement.

You have so many notable achievements. I will admit to that. The list is impressive and the way you talk about it tells me that you are probably a good candidate for consideration. I have just one problem with everything you just told me. The purpose for your desire to complete a Physics degree is not really clarified. Merely mentioning it but not concentrating on building it up using your previous college experience does not mean you have presented your purpose. Everything you say are mere image building and lip service words. There is no real compelling reason for your interest in Physics.

What a reviewer will look for in your statement of purpose is the reason why you feel you fit in the world of Physics. What plans do you have for your early career? Do you plan on inventing a chemical reaction that will create an alternative unlimited energy resource that can be used by the public for free? Are you looking towards a career in nuclear science with Physics as your first step? There are so many purposes for your desire to complete this degree and yet you failed to present a convincing reason in your essay. So the reviewer will think you are not familiar with the course and are not serious about your application.

College students normally have some sort of vision for their future based upon their chosen major. Try to depict that in your essay in order to clearly present your purpose. While I admire your desire to pursue the best education that you can, and that you are looking forward to learning from the brightest minds at UT, the question that remains is, does your purpose suit the objectives of UT? You say you want to become a researcher and professor in the future. What do you want to specifically research and what area of physics do you wish to teach? Why do you want to do those things? What is the reason, the driving force behind that interest? Explain yourself in relation to those interests. Then you will have properly addressed the statement of purpose prompt

Writing Feedback / Buying things online is very convenient. Simple trade brings some demerits though. [5]

Irfan, while your introduction is good, it lacks a representation of the disadvantage discussion that you will be presenting in the essay. Don't forget that the opening statement will be the basis of your continuing discussions. As an overview, it is the guide by which the examiner can judge your discussion skills. So when you present some advantage scenarios in your overview, balance it out with disadvantage points as well. Then you can expand upon those discussions in the next paragraphs. If you opt to revise the essay, please address that point.

In the second paragraph, please try to develop the idea of online comparison shopping a little more. You mention a specific website and the existence of numerous online sellers. Explain how this type of comparison shopping has more advantages than going to the mall. You already imply the idea, just develop it further. That type of comparison discussion serves to show your ability to completely represent and defend your thoughts in English. That is sure to impress the reviewer.

Remember that there is an advantage to discussing only one reason per discussion side. It allows for the complete development and accurate defense of your opinion. I would have rather just read a completely accurate discussion of one disadvantage to online shopping than reading just overview points as you presented here. One strong opposition carries more weight that 6 under developed examples of responses.

As for your conclusion, you needed to work on your summarization skills. It kind of deviated from the advantage and disadvantage prompt. You instead said that people cannot live without the internet. That is not va relevant thought since it doesn't relate to the prompt.

Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

Well Tong, you certainly surprised me with the way you wrote this second essay. It is imaginative, informative, and focused on something that can actually become a career path for yourself within ten years. I knew that all you needed was some direction in order to figure out what you wanted to write in the essay. I am glad that I was able to help you do that. That said, I have some critiques of your essay that I think need to be pointed out.

First of all, we lack a professional background for this person. Who was she before she became the founder of this group? Was she a teacher? I think she was one because she knows how to handle very young children. It would help to identify your presumed career path in the essay. Remember, this essay is supposed to prove that you have a career realization in mind by the time you reach your tenth year as a professional. That is why the professional background of this person is very important to the essay. Frankly speaking, I think you should mention that you own a school and that this program is part of the exposure immersion program of the school. That should help give a more authoritative semblance to your field trip and explain why the kids trust and like you so much.

Having said that, now we can concentrate on cleaning up the language of your essay. I read your essay and you are trying to tell the story in real time. Therefore all of your sentences should be in present tense. However, the time of presentation in your essay is a bit murky. So it will be best to make sure that the reader understands that by making reference to the present setting. For example, to open this essay I would have said:

Today is April 29, a day that starts for me with a breath of fresh air. - This way, the people know that I am living in the day and date.

It's a good start for me and my students excursion to

then from time to time one of the kids would stand up from their to ask me. : "Are we there yet?"

usual academic environment

to get there as well,

an educational program that I founded

that helps increase children and teenager's

from an early age

to change the

does not only

activities in

the satisfaction of influencing

one small student held my and hands and told me:

" I want to invent a kind of ink that will turn our drawings into green grass."

hear her plan

is trying to do is to be able to

ideas to improve

to become a reality

we go home, happy and satisfied

they learn today

Please note the changes and reflect the same in your essay. It is really a very good piece of writing in terms of ideas and really has some personal touches that will automatically tell the reviewer not only what your career will be in the future, but what your succeeding plans will be. Regardless of the grammar mistakes.

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Shalini, it is always in the best interest of your SOP to state the reason why you want to study further in your first paragraph. By immediately answering the prompt, you give the reviewer a chance to decide if he feels that your application is worth considering in the long term. It also offers you a better chance to develop your line of reasoning within the succeeding paragraphs. Think of the reason why you want to study as the theme of the essay. You wouldn't place that in the middle or at the end of the essay right? Let's see if I can give you an outline for your essay so that you will know what to present in which paragraph :-)

1. Reason you want to enroll in masters classes
2. Professional experience related to your interest in the course
3. Previously attended seminars and/or training courses
4. How the university can help you with advanced training
5. Plans after graduation

If you follow the above outline, you will also be able to further tighten the focus of your essay because you will only be offering the necessary information expected within an SOP. That is the standard format or progression in an SOP, but you don't necessarily have to follow any or all of it if you are not comfortable doing so :-)

Graduate / Work and volunteering - Personal statement for Master of Public Administration/MPP applications [9]

I have read your new draft over and over again and I believe that the only way that we can best approach the shortening of your personal statement is to have you choose which of the experiences you have narrated present you in the best light. You don't really need to go through a thorough analysis of each of your jobs. Just the important ones. I know that they all sound important and valuable at the moment but you really have to choose. While you can use some or all of these with other applications, right now, you just need to pick the strongest jobs you had and try to not call attention to any negatives you may possess as a professional.

Take for instance in paragraph five, you talk so intensively about a weakness that you have. Don't you think that you can save that for a different essay prompt? Does it really seem necessary that you portray your weaknesses in your personal statement? If I were you, I would use the personal statement to continuously enhance my image through the written word. They can find out about my weaknesses later.

If I may also be so bold as to make a suggestion regarding your 6th paragraph, I believe it can be shortened immensely if you omit some lines such as:

For instance as a director of a chain of elementary schools I recently joined my colleagues in voting out the Chair of directors, after we lost confidence in his ability to lead the Board. He failed to succeed in the role because he ascended to a senior position too quickly and lacked training in leadership and management.

It seems to me that the reviewer will take this as an assumption instead of as a fact. So by leaving it out of your essay, you come across as presenting a valid discussion instead. You can always add it back in when needed.

Upon further review, I think you can also revise your first paragraph. If you consider it, there are shorter ways to say what you want to get across. For example, I would present it this way:

I grew up in a part of the UK where few people leave their local area or go to university. I was happy to be an exception to that norm because I saw first-hand the stark disparity in outcomes for young people from different backgrounds. The frustration that I feel at the unfulfilled potential amongst so many poorer communities in the UK is why working to improve social mobility is my prime motivation in life. Since graduating I have worked for five years in prominent non-profit organisations in research, evaluation and policy roles seeking to address this challenge. Now I wish to undertake an MPA to further my objectives first of becoming a better social policy analyst and subsequently to work towards leading a non-profit or public body that promotes social mobility.

That is just one of the approaches that I would take to shortening the essay. I don't think I changed the essence of your original paragraph. That is the main goal of shortening the essay. Saying the things you want in the simplest way possible. I hope my suggestions work for you :-)

Scholarship / Why I desire to join the UWC community and reflect on UWC's mission and values - statement [10]

First of all, you will need to research the UWC mission and values. Then do a self examination and soul searching. Which of those qualities do you embody and how do you embody them? List those traits down and write down the reasons for the similarity. There are 9 core values. Try to find at least 4 values to discuss and interpret in your essay. Make sure that you have some personal experience to connect it with or that you truly believe in those shared values otherwise you will have a hard time writing the paper.

If you want to discuss Singapore, then do so in the context of the core values. Research the cultural, social, environmental challenges they face (for example) then explain how you would help to ease the problem using the UWC core values. Remember to integrate examples into this discussion in order to illustrate your meaning. Try to be serious. Your current discussion about Singapore is not really good. Specially since it has no connection at all to the UWC mission. Personally, I would rather you do not discuss Singapore. I don't think you have enough of a valid reason to make it a notable part of your essay.

Finally, talk about why you are interested in enrolling at UWC. Don't give a shallow discussion about how you want to travel and only see the world on TV. Base the response upon the mission objectives of UWC once again. Only this time, expand the discussion to include your plans for your socially conscious activities at the university.

Those are the points that will comprise your draft essay. Once you accomplish that, you can look into revising it with our help. Remember, you have to write this paper yourself. You already have the outline, that should be enough to guide you for now. It is a start. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Many awesome inventions in many aspects has been increased technology, education and transportation [2]

Nawaporn, I like the essence of your essay. It shows that you completely understood the prompt and, while limited by your English grammar, you still have the ability to somehow express your thoughts in a manner that can be understood. That said, I would like to call your attention to the corrections I have made in your essay. I'll explain the correction when necessary.

OVER THE last 100 years, many awesome inventions

Some people think that improving of transportation

I strongly BELIEVE that THE improvement of transportation WAS beneficial TO our country for two reasons

The first reason is everyone can get access to this transportation.

we went to other placeS by

Government also announceD A policy - past tense since this already happened.

50% OF THE cost of transportation fee.

So everyone HAS access to this transportation

the cost OF A one way ticket ON A high-speed train

buying 5 KILOGRAMS OF RICE which is too cheap in Thailand

as well.

GIVES US CONVENIENCE

too VAST

from THE northern part to THE southern part.

It was quite a waste OF TIME.

we have A low cost airline THAT ALLOWS US TO GET TO THE SAME DESTINATION IN AN HOUR and a half.

who LIVES

can meet EACH OTHER more frequently.

For example, my aunt, Jane, who was live in the northern part, married Jim who LIVES in the southern part. So, she moved to THE southern part and came back to visit her relatives only ONCE A year because OF the limitation ON transportation. After THE founding of THE low cost airline, she RETURNS TO her hometown more frequently than in the past. As Jane example shows, THE improvement of transportation helpS people BECOME CLOSER.

most BENEFIT for us for two reasons

every PERSON in my country has a right to use them. The second reason is it saves US MUCH time.

Graduate / Work and volunteering - Personal statement for Master of Public Administration/MPP applications [9]

Ben, it is quite obvious that you took all of our advice to heart. It is reflected in the way your essay has vastly improved from your first writing. This version clearly shows your personal connection not only to the causes close to your heart, but also to the betterment of the service through higher training. The fact that the paper takes so long to read makes it obvious that you were able to argue your beliefs quite well. If I may say tough, Rather than consuming the full 2000 word count, I would have liked to have read an essay somewhere in between 700 and 2000. 900 to 1000 ought to do the job. While a very detailed personal statement is excellent, you have to keep in mind that the reviewer may eventually tire of reading your paper. Specially if he has already 10 others before it. So if you could find a way to shorten the essay a bit, I believe it would help your chances immensely.

I agree that your essay sounds highly procedural. However, you cannot approach the paper from any other standpoint because your job requires analysis, which is dependent on procedures and factual data. Don't worry though, you were able to display compassion and real interest in the projects you participated in as you described the work that you had to do to fight for the charity organizations. That is an impressive feat.

As I review your essay again, I am wondering if you can't just choose one, the most important of all your work experiences to highlight, then make short mention of the other accomplishments so that the essay will be easier and faster to read.Would you like to try and shorten it a bit more? If you can shorten it, maybe the feel of a procedural essay will be lessened as well.

You might also choose to opt to take parts of the essay to create a shorter personal statement. You did mention that you were going to adjust the essay as needed for various statements. Maybe you should test that out now? It won't hurt to try :-) By the way, double check for spelling issues. Also, try to consider restating some of the longer paragraphs in a shorter and more concise form. I could have done some of it for you but I felt that you should be do that since anything I revise might alter the way you feel about and the message of the essay.

Scholarship / Why I desire to join the UWC community and reflect on UWC's mission and values - statement [10]

Phuong, you totally missed the mark on this essay. I do not see any direct reference to the UWC missions or values in your statement. In fact, your statement comes across as self - serving and selfish. Which is definitely not aligned with the mission and objective of UWC. They actually have 9 values backing up their mission that you can easily search for online. None of those 9 values are represented in your essay. What I can glean or understand from your current statement is that you want to be able to travel and obtain more information about other cultures. Then what? How does that align with the UWC mission and objectives?

Funny how you would do research on the country where you wish to study, but you did not even bother to learn more about the scholarship that you hope will sponsor your education there. That should have been the first thing that you researched. Then you would have had an idea as to how to align your interests and values with their own. For your reference, just type UWC mission and objective into Google and you will be led directly to that page on their website.

That said, this essay is weak and will not garner any interest from the reviewer. You already said that you heard about UWC's values and were impressed by the list. Why not revise the essay to talk about that instead? Present the values that impressed you and then explain how certain activities or beliefs of yours strongly support the UWC ways. Accomplishing that will allow you to better respond to the prompt and allow you the opportunity to present your possible contribution to the college. Don't forget to highlight what you hope to gain from this experience as well. When you discuss what you hope to gain, please do not say you will be able to travel to Singapore and enjoy their rich cultural heritage as you learn about their traditions and society. That will be a very shallow answer. You need something more impressive than that to impress the reviewer. Try to be selfless and caring about the plight of others in Singapore and explain how you hope to use the UWC values to help improve their situation.