Undergraduate / Chemistry Competition; MIT - Situation didn't go as planned [3]


Well... I think you need to redo this once again. Give more focus to the particular situation that didn't go as planned. This sounds more general. Ok, if it is this Chemistry Competition, tell them how you planned to win it and where it went wrong. You need to pick one particular situation where unexpected things happened. It does not have to be a failure always. This prompt is not about your failures.

Writing Feedback / the two methods of manufacturing black tea [5]

The aim of this report is to describe the traditional and modern methods of manufacturing black tea.
The first step of both these two processes is collecting good quality leaves.
In traditional method only bud and two top leaves are picked upplucked from the plants while in modern method, air is passed through leaves on rack.

The traditional processing lets the leaves pickedputrun in thea rolling machine where they are rolledmade flatten and broken. Opposite to the traditional method,In contrast to this , the modern processing method putinvolvescutting , torning and curling of the leaves to thein a cutting machine so they can be cut, torn and curled.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Comfortable lifestyle i.e. Materialism Vs Traditional Values [10]

If too many things come to your mind (I guess they are reasons), then what you should do is that type them in sketch mode :D Then go back to your introduction and finish it. Then come to the first thing you sketched (this is your body para) and elaborate it a bit further. Give an example and then move to the second reason in the sketch form :D and do the same.

It is normal for you to feel that way because this task is a trade off between your writing skills and time. So, the best thing is practice, practice and practice with time. Read others essays too that are written on similar topics (you can find loads of them here) to pick points. That would be very helpful.

You write very well and I think you need to be more confident about your skills. Our suggestions are to make you perfect :D

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]which types of transportation will you choose if traveling from your home to a.. [3]


...be more specific.
I live in, xxxx (name of the city) which is the capital city of yyyy (your country).


Therefore I have many convenient choices in terms of transportation to reach a destination which is 40 miles away from my home. These transportation modes include buses, taxies and motorcycles.


These modes of transportation have their own advantages and disadvantages.


.... You should replace this sentence with one statement that specifically say what your choice of transportation is.

Writing Feedback / Many tertiary institutions; University should accept gender equality in classes [4]

If you need to manage time well, the best thing to do is practice with time according to a pre-decided structure. The one that Pahan suggests above is really good. If you do not get a good idea for a hook, leave that out and rephrase the topic to start your with the background. Once you finish the essay and you still have time, then you can insert a hook.

Overall, I think you need to improve your sentences to deliver your ideas with better clarity. Pay attention to grammar too.


To begin with, women are as capable as men in work in any field.

Undergraduate / "I want a vanilla dipped waffle-cone with extra rainbow sprinkles"; GMU Essay [5]


so I was playing the new release of "Angry Birds" on my phone.


I realized that I had to do something to dilute the annoyances of these customers.


So I quickly stood at the exit door and began to issue a free ice cream coupon to the customers who were leaving the store. I noticed their grim faces transforming to a smirk and many a them thanked me too.

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak."/ extracurricular activities or work experiences [7]


.... this sentence sounds confusing. What's wrong with your house? What does your grandma say? ....not very clear :(


I could never find
Well, you have to re-do the first response as it contains too many grammar errors. I don't know how to help you with that because I am not clear about your ideas. I like to help you, but then you need to tell me what were you trying to tell there. How your house was different to others? How your parents were different to others? Those answers not clearly conveyed in that response.

Research Papers / Have we become too dependent on technology? RESEARCH PAPER [5]


As per the forum rules, you cannot paste urls of other web sites. However, you can copy paste contents that is relevant to the topic title. Also, you can suggest key words so that they can google and find the site. The best practice is to copy paste the contents so that others too can be benefited by those contents. :)

Writing Feedback / Is competition good? Yes and No both! [3]

Hope this article would help you polish this essay further;

Competition is a contest between people or groups of people for control over resources. In this definition, resources can have both literal and symbolic meaning. People can compete over tangible resources like land, food, and mates, but also over intangible resources, such as social capital. Competition is the opposite of cooperation and arises whenever two parties strive for a goal that cannot be shared.

Competition can have both beneficial and detrimental effects. Positively, competition may serve as a form of recreation or a challenge provided that it is non-hostile. On the negative side, competition can cause injury and loss to the organisms involved, and drain valuable resources and energy. Many evolutionary biologists view inter-species and intra-species competition as the driving force of adaptation, and, ultimately, of evolution. However, some biologists, most famously Richard Dawkins, prefer to think of evolution in terms of competition between single genes, which have the welfare of the organism "in mind" only insofar as that welfare furthers their own selfish drives for replication. Some Social Darwinists claim that competition also serves as a mechanism for determining the best-suited group-politically, economically, and ecologically.

Many philosophers and psychologists have identified a trait in most living organisms that can drive the particular organism to compete. This trait, unsurprisingly called "competitiveness," is viewed as an innate biological trait that coexists along with the urge for survival. Competitiveness, or the inclination to compete, has become synonymous with aggressiveness and ambition in the English language. Just as advanced civilizations integrate aggressiveness and competitiveness into their interactions, as a way to distribute resources and adapt, most plants compete for higher spots on trees to receive more sunlight. However, Stephen Jay Gould and others have argued that as one ascends the evolutionary hierarchy, competitiveness (the survival instinct) becomes less innate and more a learned behavior.

The term also applies to econometrics. Here, it is a comparative measure of the ability and performance of a firm or sub-sector to sell and produce/supply goods and/or services in a given market. The two academic bodies of thought on the assessment of competitiveness are the Structure Conduct Performance Paradigm and the more contemporary New Empirical Industrial Organisation model. Predicting changes in the competitiveness of business sectors is becoming an integral and explicit step in public policymaking. Within capitalist economic systems, the drive of enterprises is to maintain and improve their own competitiveness.

Undergraduate / I want to play the the role of "bread"; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [5]

Until I saw this post, I couldn't figure out why you wrote it. So I kept skipping your essay without giving my comments. So, make sure you have your prompt included if you want to attract others attention and earn more feedbacks :)

I think what you've written above is not in line with what they expect from this prompt. It needs to be something that is central to who you are. This does not answer that. Here's some guidelines I picked from a few websites.

Undergraduate / IMMIGRANTS; DISCUSS ISSUES - Local, national, international (MACAULAY HONORS COLLEGE) [3]


As recommended by my school volunteer adviser


I was dismayed by this sad reality that immigrant workers were facing with; they were either unemployed or having insecure jobs due to linguistic barriers.


I felt the need for addressing this issue since these immigrants would soon be a part of our community.

Research Papers / Have we become too dependent on technology? RESEARCH PAPER [5]

Great advice by SirNeutron. Yes, first do the introduction. Take SirNeutron's advice (1) for that.


... Introduction should introduce your research topic to the reader, so do this briefly. Mention things on their surface keeping room to discuss in a more elaborate manner in other sections of your research paper.

You can google your topic and find loads of material for this essay.
Do your draft and post it here. Then we can provide you with our feedbacks as to how to improve :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Some people think that families have the most powerful influence on children [4]

Always make sure you include the prompt with your essay. That gives lots of information for us to understand whether your writing is in line with what it expects.


On the one hand, we have to admit that friends and media play and important role in children's life


... behavior includes actions and therefore "actions" become redundant.
Children spend a considerable time in school where they have close interactions with their peers that heavily influence their behavior, attitude, communication skills etc.

Undergraduate / Design POSTERS; MIT - PLEASURE Activity [6]

First , I have an admin request for you. You should not have many essays in one thread, open a new thread each time you have a new essay. That is the forum rule and it also helps you earn more feed backs too. A few things I noticed;

, or i amI am in a state of depression.


I saw an airplane flying in the sky


This sounds repetitive.
I always wondered how these things worked.

Writing Feedback / LEAVING YOUR COUNTRY TO LIVE OR STUDY ABROAD: ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES [3]


benefits to whom? individuals or to the countries?...It's better you include the prompt with the essay so that it is clear for us to know what it really means.


This sentence is not really necessary because it does not bring much value addition to your essay because it is implied that you would discuss them in forthcoming body paragraphs. It is always better to conclude your introduction expressing your view. In this case (this is not an essay of Agree/Disagree type), you can say something like;

In my view, migration from one country to another has both advantages and disadvantages. .... here you take a moderate stance and in the conclusion you can re-instate your opinion and further elaborate on that.

Undergraduate / Love at first sight; Why Hamilton college? [6]


For me, this is not very interesting. I believe your response needs to be more factual than verbose. You've got a strict word count, so you've got to be more careful with managing your words. You need to make use of every word and they should contribute to your essay more meaningfully.


This part needs to be rephrased....not good with its presentation :(

Undergraduate / Before I became a bodybuilder, I was an obese teenager; A Bodybuilders tale [3]


There was a point in my life at which I knew something needed to change.


Though my initial goal was to loose weight, with further research I found it would be best if I built muscles.


.... good luck with your mission :) You can do that! :)


To achieve success in life, you need to be committed to your course and strive hard.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe in co-educational classes and others believe in segregated ones [3]

Great advice by Pahan and Misterwandering and it's really good to have you guys around !Take those points they've mentioned seriously !


Start the body paragraphs with the reasons you use to justify your opinion on the issue. Then support them with a specific example. I'd like to suggest that you have one reason per paragraph.


... In this body paragraph, your reason comes in the second sentence. Also, the sentences are too long and too crowded that disturb the flow of your ideas. This para does not contain any example to support your reasoning too :(

Undergraduate / Running on our school's track every night; Rice short answer [7]

What is the prompt? I think it is better not to assume that everybody else knows the prompt; I mean just mentioning college wouldn't help people like me, because I am not familiar with prompts as per colleges. So there can be many others like me and if you don't have the prompt included in the essay, we would struggle in providing you with meaningful feedbacks.

:)

Graduate / I grew up under the influence of my father; SOP- PhD in Finance [4]


... manager and different organizational levels ? if you are talking about your father's hierarchy, then this has a little confusion. I guess you mean that he served as a manager in different areas of the organization, is that so? Or he served in different managerial capacities in the organization?

Graduate / I was highly motivated by the cutting edge research technologies; MS in VLSI- SOP [6]


Well... I think it is better that your goals are more personal. This sounds a bit too broad.... Also, tell them the significance of your graduate studies in achieving your goals.


Yes, very true. The SOP is an opportunity for you to tell them things that other parts of your application do not talk about. More importantly, for them to you better as a person.

Undergraduate / Four days - Mom and Dad at a time - Barnard College Supplement [5]

I agree with OMGreeny.


.... very impressive!


.... the highlighted part is the only place I got stuck... However, I read it in full and enjoyed every line you have written :)
This is strong writing and there's nothing for you to worry about. Go ahead and confidently submit this.
Wish you good luck with your application! :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; What is the most important room for you? playstation in my bedroom [3]


Yes, this is very important for us to understand your writing better and provide meaningful feedbacks. Anyway, your topic too does not sound like a normal TOEFL Independent Task topic. Is this for a speaking task?


Going by your title, which I assume your topic to be, I think the above lines take your introduction off track. It is good to open your essay with a good hook, but your hook should be interesting as well as relevant to your topic. These lines are pretty out of topic and do not add any value to your introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Facing Change vs Avoiding Change. Discuss and give opinion. [3]

Your introduction should introduce the prompt to the reader in its original sense.

Graduate / Concept of 'Shock Waves' has always intrigued me; Aerospace Eng in USA - SOP [3]

Overall, I find this is a good SOP. The only thing I find missing is that you do not adequately talk about your future goals and how this program would help you achieve them. I have noticed many students do not talk about that, but it is important for the admission officers to know how seriously you think about making use of your higher studies to achieve your goals.

Undergraduate / Why Penn? I can pursue my dream of integrating science and international relations! [3]

Good advice by Liangwu.


Being with children is my life-long passion.


.... the latter part is a bit ambiguous.... better you elaborate a bit more on that. It sounds some interesting facts, but not revealed :D ... Talk a bit about those situations and give more emotional appeal to this writing. :)

Undergraduate / Ali Forney Center for LGBT youth; SERVICE ESSAY PRINCETON [3]

She calls herself "Eighteen" because that is when she found the Center and reclaimedregained her life.


Eventually, she found her home at the Ali Forney Center which helped continue her studies.


...this line is somewhat confusing... your idea is not conveyed properly... you need to fix that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Comfortable lifestyle i.e. Materialism Vs Traditional Values [10]

I am neither a native English speaker :D .... You are pretty good with your grammar, vocabulary, ideas etc. and that means you can write well and have lots of potential for a great score :D... I only feel that you need to improve the essay structure in order to earn a good score.

Undergraduate / Language problem and Economic adversity; Princeton short essay : summer activity [3]


Here I find the problem that your ideas are scattered and fail to flow smoothly.
First pick one particular summer activity you did and then tell your story around that. Talk about the nature of work you did; what sort of challenges you faced and how you overcame. You need to improve this response.

Undergraduate / My mother is an OPD nurse; UVA School of Nursing Essay - EXPERIENCE [3]


"Attending the hospital"? It does not deliver any proper meaning? I think this line needs to be rephrased. Or you can start with the next line.


I agree with marizon. It is more convincing if you pick up one particular incident and elaborate on that. While telling that story, you should show your how your interest in this profession grew.

Undergraduate / I solved the algorithm; UIUC Computer Science- Interest in Major [4]


Yes, I would interpret it as it's a more creative approach for problem solving.... :D
Computer Science is not only linked with problem solving... its facets include innovation and creativeness too. I like if you include those things also in this response. Overall, it is written well.

Wish you good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / I always needed something to be obsessed with; Columbia Supp: Field of Interest [2]


... fainted with me? That's a bit confusing to me. Is this what you mean?
However, all those obsessions faded off with time, except one;


I was fascinated over its abstract nature while being rigorously structured.


This gives a bit overly done feeling... It is better you spoke through your experiences than making statements about your passion. Tell them how you progressed, what were your achievements, challenges etc.

Undergraduate / Aspirations Vs Stereotyped Beliefs; Amherst [5]

Well, first you should have included the prompt because without knowing that it is difficult for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.


... Well, Asian female is a large subset in which women in all Asians countries are included and there can be major variations among these women in terms of culture, beliefs and values. So, I feel this is too much of a generalization and it is better you draw it more towards your particular ethnicity which may give the reader a more specific idea about your issue.

Undergraduate / My School; Brown Community - Pick any community and tell us why it's important! [3]


.... I like if you have a slight change in the organization of words;
A small, but distinct example of multicultural students all gathered in less than an acre, is the Buckley School, my second home.


I joined this community at the age of thirteen and enjoyed the warm welcome and acceptance by my peers, teachers and even administrators.
Well, I feel you have not adequately responded to this;


That is where the whole focus is and you've got to answer that!

Undergraduate / A Rare Gift - the ability to push forward regardless of the challenge. [2]


.... well.... I know you try to be witty, but I feel it is not really appealing for this idea, because you are going to talk about a very serious problem that can no way be a gift. I feel you should rephrase this opening line.


This part is well presented :)
I think this is a very good response for this prompt. It is just the opening line troubles me :D ... Good Job and Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Comfortable lifestyle i.e. Materialism Vs Traditional Values [10]



Your introduction suggests that you have good writing skills. However, you need to adopt a structure that contains all the features that help you earn marks at IELTS.

Writing Feedback / Getting advice from friends who are older vs friends of your own age [4]

This essay seems like a practice essay for TOEFL or IETLS. It's better if you mention the purpose in the title itself so that others can provide you with more task related comments. Also, you should have opened this essay in the Writing Feedback forum.


This is a good introduction and it is even better if you opened with a hook :)


This is again a very good sentence to open your body paragraph. However, the next two lines sound a repetition of this same idea. I feel it is better you straight moved to your example.

Writing Feedback / enthusiastic generation; Who brings up the children: Parents or Teachers [6]

Merry Christmas to you too Arun!


... actually, there is a thing called imprinting. It is that children learn form adult behaviors and lessons taught to them, just like little ducklings follow their mother duck. Children tend to adopt values and ideals of their primary caregivers. They will unconditionally or without question accept the beliefs and teachings of their parents and then the teachers, clergy, or other adults, also older siblings. You can use this word "imprint" for this idea.

Writing Feedback / Entertainment, culture, heritage - What do we need music? [5]


around the world


... It is better if you state your opinion direct before concluding your paragraph.
Also you should have mentioned the below point when introducing the background of your topic;


First of all, regardless the type of music, listening to music is one of the most entertainmententertaining activity for people all around the word.

Writing Feedback / No human being is exactly alike - CLEP composition exam [6]


This "human" part sounds a bit over done. Also, you are repeating the same idea in the first part of this sentence. This is a good sentence, by you need to remove those effects from this one. Then it'll become better :)

Our desires and our approaches for both survival and achievements are very unique and different form one another.


Also, I feel your introduction is going a bit out of topic. Your prompt talks about how we face our challenges and pursue our goals, isn't it?