Student Talk / Can English Teaching certificate replace IELTS, TOEFL etc requirement? [8]


No, not when. "Since" would work.

Well, here is the perfect way to write it!---> English was the first of several since ...

And "birth" does not even need to be part of it.

English was the second of several languages I have learned.

I consider English my native language as it is the first one I learned since I was born, as have my parents. English is my native language, and it is the language spoken by my parents. Nevertheless, my family has traveled a lot, and I hold nationality and citizenship in countries where English is not the main language.---This is good!

Faq, Help / EF categories - where to post my work? [8]

Yep, I agree. And in fact, Meeshal, there is a kind of essay called a "narrative essay," which is a story. So, if you write a story, feel free to post it in the appropriate category.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The world is like a painting, our existence the penciled outlines and our lives.. [8]


I wonder what you mean...


Sounds like the way of thinking favors the importance of nurture over nature for developing whatever seems unique about the individuals. I do, too. If you are referring to personal background, that makes a lot of sense, because someone's background/history is what sculpts them into unique apparitions.


Or the crazy dream of a being alone in the universe, multiple personality disorder.

Writing Feedback / The world is like a painting, our existence the penciled outlines and our lives.. [8]

Oh man! That thread got out of control. Thanks a lot, you just cost me an hour of my life, because I curiously skimmed through that again.

You added some perspective to our crazy bantering, writing... "We seek the light and Satva, also interpreted as truth, is the way. Though it isn't itself consciousness -- that being us."


Yes, everything I say is stuff that comes from the wisdom traditions of India and the various forms they have taken. That's the stuff that rings true with me, and if I had more discipline I would be a better student.


Yep, and that egoism makes it really tough for us to cope with the idea of death.


Well... if we are all the same being, there needs to be no larger cause (i.e. no need for a god-concept). If we are one consciousness that continues to exist (i.e. eternally) then we will experience all possibilities in time. That means you are everybody!

If that is the nature of reality -- one consciousness existing over and over, feeling a sense of connectedness with other life forms (i.e. biophelia) but not knowing why -- it all seems to ring true to me. I have empathy for you, because I am you. And when the mystic says we are "all one consciousness," it may be true in a really simple way. I don't remember my dreams, don't remember past lives, don't remember being you, but... this amnesia keeps everything new.

Anyway, did I miss your point?

Writing Feedback / A man / woman will never know what they can do until they first try . [4]

Not knowing one's---apostrophe

own strength is a terrible self underestimation and is a common misconception among many people in the world at large today.---In this sentence, you used a lot of words to say something simple: Many people underestimate their own ability.

I like this part: Just ask any astronaut and they will tell you.

It needs to only start with a dream ; a challenge set before you . It may seem impossible at first but if one never makes an attempt one will never know they can do it. One mustn't conclude they are incapable until they try . Here, you are repeating the same ideas over and over.

But whether one fails miserably or wins it big, a person must have a crack at it before they conclude they will fail.---I added a period.

No need for a period if you have an exclamation mark:
... only component to their result of trying. If I am correct there is a statement, "If at first you don't succeed try and try again!" If one has ...

So the next time one has a new dream , is asked to try something new or different, they should never count themselves among the failures in the bunch until they have tried and tried hard.

:-)

Graduate / "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Early admissions essay for grad program [3]

"What do I want to be when I grow up?" I asked myself that question several years ago, when I found a unique opportunity to sell my business and do anything that I wanted. was presented to me. It was a big decision and I would need to choose wisely. One of biggest advantages that I have over other people/students who ask themselves that same question was that I already knew who I was as a person and what I truly wanted out of life: ____________ (What is it?)

Above, I revise for active rather than passive voice, and I killed a sentence that I think was superfluous.

Hey, you have a great style! I suggest REFINING it by going through again and taking out as much as you can. Cut half the players from the team so only the best remain.

My journey to this point has been like most things in my life, a very non-traditional and interesting path. ----You have some sentences that are structured in a way that make them really nice... simple and clear with unique personality...

Okay, put this essay aside, and make a list of the best ideas to share with the reader in order to motivate the reader to take the action you want her to take. Then, read the essay again and make a list of the ideas you actually included. Focus on the most important ideas, and cut as much as possible. You have a style that uses a lot of words; readers will love it if you can keep the elegant style and rhythm, but make it less breezy. Google this: do not affect a breezy manner strunk, white

Remember that the best way to inspire the reader is to show that you have a great plan with a lot of details and short term goals.

Undergraduate / "the MSE program" - I was waitlisted for UC Davis [3]

When I look at the first few sentences, I am trying to pay attention to the thoughts you plant in the reader's mind and whether they are the most useful thoughts to plant: I am honored and excited to be considered as a potential candidate for admission to the University of California, Davis. My mother is an alumnus ----- So far, I don't see any thought being shared that makes me inspired to look on you favorably. People favor students with a clear plan and students with a lot of enthusiasm. That is the key.

So...
of UC Davis and your campus is my first choice of Universities to attend. The reputation of the MSE program at UC Davis precedes itself and it would be fantastic to be a part of it.

I would like to take this opportunity to assure you... much lighter academic load than I have.

This is the first impressive part:
I am taking four AP classes this year. ----Very good, there is no way to argue with this as evidence of your seriousness.

But I'll cut this because it "goes without saying."------>which is a testament to my academic commitment and makes a statement as to the student that I am.

I am also continuing to excel in my extracurricular activities. I am Captain of my high school roller hockey team and I recently tried out and was selected to play on a hockey team representing the state of California that will compete in an interstate hockey tournament. -----Very good, but if you mention this you need to make it somehow relate to the main theme of the essay. And what is the main theme of the essay? What is the word that comes to mind for the reader after seeing this? You do not seem to have a vision for the future. If you read a lot and pursue a lot of interests, you will have a lot of career ideas, and this essay will be about your career ideas, at least a little.

Establish a theme, express a possible career plan (even though you might change the plan later). Show that you are a "man on a mission," a really determined person with a vision for the future.

:-)

Scholarship / Health / Multi-racial / Economic struggle - 3 Unique factors that shaped me [4]


Try to say this in different words. It sounds like a cliche.

I love the first one... very well-written. But this intro is confusing:
While I finally found out what had been causing my constant absences in school, I learned about the meaning of strength. ( I think you can add a phrase to this sentence, or add a short sentence after this sentence, to answer the question in the reader's mind. What was causing the absences?


Very cool!!

In all 3 of these, try to add some discussion of your plan. In every part of the application, make it as though you are so focused on your plan for the next few years that you cannot help talking in terms of the plan whenever you express yourself. Be totally focused on the plan. These qualities are significant only in relation to what you do in life, so... focus on your deadlines, goals, plans...

:-)

Undergraduate / Education: Key to Eradication: Uchicago option 3 essay [6]


I don't like this sentence. It is so simple and... not very meaningful. But if you KILL this sentence and let the essay begin with the sentence about something irritating your mom, that will be interesting.

You made some great points. I hope the reader of the essay is receptive to these truths.

By observation, I have concluded that this society expects immigrants to fully assimilate to
American culture. -------Yes, just recently someone told me about Puerto Rican people in Miami, and he said, "I have no problem with them being here, but they do not see to want to assimilate into our culture. It's as though they want to preserve their own culture." And I was like, "Yeah, that is what I would want to do if I was them!" And really, when I get to visit an ethnic neighborhood, or Chinatown, it is a great cultural experience. So... I don't know why so many Americans fear diversity!

However, I firmly believe that this society would be stronger in helping
immigrants adapt to American culture while still honoring their heritage. ---What do you mean? "Would be" under what circumstances? Do you mean "should be?"

On the other hand, Parents parents should ...

In my opinion, we must not let America succumb to its greatest
strength---its diversity.---This sentence needs to be revised. the word succumb is not correct here.

In answer to your questions, yes, this is a powerful essay. I think it has a lot of wisdom, and it'll make a good impression despite those two small errors.

Thanks for participating so much at EssayForum!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: some people think building more roads can reduce traffic problems... [4]

I'll give a few more ideas here...

I like the "alleviate" suggestion, even though "reduced" was okay:
Some people claim that the problems can be alleviated by building more roads, but I believe that some other crucial measures have to be taken to resolve the problems, although building more roads can be helpful in on some occasions.

No need for s with the word "transportation"------> The first one is controlling the traffic volume by setting a threshold to all non-public transportation, for example, raising the ...

To sum up, building more roads could be helpful in some places, but the rapidly... transportation improvement and city plan optimization, have to be taken into account to address the traffic problems.----This is good, but you should try to have at least 3 sentences in each paragraph.

:-)

Research Papers / "Schoolyard Bullying" in reference to the Casey Heynes incident [5]


Well, I hope I did not make you feel like you should include this perspective. When I said the solution was to bodyslam the bully, I was really just joking.

But this format can be good, anyway. Try the new format, and as you work with it, try to take out as many words/sentences as possible. That is how to REFINE the writing. Cut, cut, cut. Only say the least amount necessary about each subtopic.

:-)

Undergraduate / Motivation letter for a summer school on sustainable development [4]


Very good, Olga. I like it. This sentence conveys to the reader what you mean, but it is not overbearing. If you explain too much, it is overbearing, but if you let the reader figure out what this sentence means, the reader feels delighted.

I still would like to see one more sentence added to the end of the first paragraph. If you pretend that the reader can only see one sentence, what sentence would you write to express the meaning of this essay? Add that to the end of the first paragraph.

If you add that thesis statement, I think it will be a sentence about teaching or about utilitarian philosophy.

The essay is strong already! Just add that thesis statement! :-)

Essays / International Human Rights Law - weaknesses in IHR law and its monitoring machinery [2]

Well, what do you think it means? Google this: international universal human rights

You will find the "Declaration of Universal Human Rights," and you'll learn about the history behind it.
It was probably very encouraging when people got together and declared the standards to which we would aspire. Yet, atrocities are still taking place. Saying we will protect human rights is one thing, and actually doing it is another.

Search your library database for words like these: "universal human rights," international, failed, weakness

You'll have to do a lot of searches, but soon you will find one brilliant article that really captures the idea: we said we would protect human rights, but oppression, genocide, and other suffering still occur. It will be an interesting project! Find an article that really interests you, and start by writing about it.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] cellphone and Internet are harmful to people health, why we use? how to do? [5]

In the first paragraph, you can improve the clarity of your message by explaining HOW it is "detrimental to the people both physically and psychologically." ----(Also, you do not need "the" before people unless you are talking about a specific group of people.)

The BEST way to improve clarity is to write a sentence that sums up -- in a single sentence -- the main message of the essay. Add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Tack it right on to the end.

:-) Do that, and the whole essay will be much clearer.
Also, I think you can take out the word "apparently." It does not seem to fit.

Essays / Music and Politics - how to write this argumentative essay? [6]

You know, watching a film like that really can be very good for inspiration. It's hard to "force" writing to happen. You need to inspire the inner writer.

Now, what about Paul Simon? What about Tool? I think you should google around for words like this: music, political, artist

Also, search your school library database for terms like: political, rock, artists

The trick is to find an article that is really interesting.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a doctor, who herself went through tough times" - why are you applying to college [4]

This is the kind of sentence that needs "had."
Four years ago, when I had just come to...
had... just come to...

the USA, I didn't even consider on staying here, but here I am. ---Coo!

College is the transitional point that can take you to the destination only if you want to get there, and that destination point for me is the establishment of ...

...and at least try to learn "how the heavens go".----Very cool. That is a worthy aspiration. :-)

Here is an idea for you, only if you like it. I think you have a nice writing style.
She made me see the difference between success and mediocrity, and I didn't need to live in the boring, unchanging routine.

:-)

Writing Feedback / A university should invest same money in athletc activities as libraries or not? [2]

the university is a place in which we ...

It is sure that there important things or not.---What does this mean? Maybe you can write this instead:
It is difficult to determine which activities are most important, but when we think about whether the universities should invest the same amount of funds in their students' athletic activities as they invest in their libraries, I am sure that they have to pay for

their athletic activities like the libraries both because of the relationship between health and study and freedom
of selection.-----I like your idea! Very good...

:-)

Capitalize the first word of every sentence! ----> ... can enjoy their work. then they can improve their stamina. there is no ...

Capitalize Can and There (above).

Spelling:
helpful to our health, and that will be so to their academic works.

The university is not a place to assure education only about certain subjects or fields. Students at the university should have
the right to select their activities according to their liking.
I agree with your opinion! Both are important.

Writing Feedback / "TP Club - travelling around the country and abroad" [2]

TP Club was established in 2001 and chaired by Mark Peter. TP club has around one hundred members since its establishment. TP club made up of staff LRS Sdn Bhd.

Since the establishment of the club, it has carried out various activities. Among them, travelling around the country and abroad such as China and Australia are some of the most exciting.----I needed to add some words so that the sentence would have a verb. Every sentence needs a verb.

In addition, the club also do coordinates some activities ...

This is because you will not feel lonely and bored and you get to join the activities to be undertaken in the near future.

Just a few small errors! You write well... :-)

Writing Feedback / Individual can do nothing to improve environment; only governments and companies can? [3]

Nowadays means now. "Has always been" means "in the past." So... this is contradictory:
Nowadays environmental issue has always been ...

Just do this:
Nowadays, environmental issues represent an important social concern, because the ...

Overall, I personally think the topic is overly simplistic, because _____________________ (Give some explanation. This last sentence of the first paragraph has to express the main idea of the whole essay.

Admittedly, the government and large companies have played a pivotal role in improving environment.

It would benefit the environment as a whole if these companies would ensure the abidance by eco-friendly policies.

However, reaching the conclusion that the government and large companies can contribute ...

My own view is that personal awareness and behaviors are the significant key point that in improving environment. ----nice sentence! I like your idea.

For example, those garbage pervades the city, such as plastic containers, litter, and even household waste disposed of without any sorting, and these are due to the fact that individuals and families do not have enough awareness about environmental protection.

It would be a great improvement if ...

:-)

Scholarship / communication Engineering (applying for OFID scholarship) [3]

Hello Friend,

What are your educational goals? You can't have someone else come up with this stuff for you. Read some articles that interst you and work on defining your goals. For example, what could you do with your life that would make you feel a sense of success? What frustrates you, and what can you do to make the world a better place?

What is hurting your country the most right now? What do your talents enable you to do to help?

Get specific.
:-)

Research Papers / Media Bias Thesis/Outline [4]

I want to formulate and characterize a new "definition" of media bias as bias that exists in the viewer's mind, affected by outside influences, and the way certain news articles are presented . Such points include the "hostile media effect", "paradox of objectivity", "progaganda model", "coverage bias", refutation of a "wording bias", and the "extrapolation hypothesis".

You can talk about these topics, but in the way you explain here I don't see a new definition.

Basically, I want to redirect attention to how different individual viewers see and respond to specific news pieces (coverage of presidential campaigns, problems in the Middle East, etc), characterizing this personal bias as the truth behind media impartiality.

If you are referring to the interpretations made by viewers, it is not media bias. It's viewer interpretation. It seems like you are saying there is no media bias and that viewers perceive a bias where none exists.

Fox is known for a conservative bias, and msnbc for a liberal bias... do you disagree? This is a tough subject. I think you may be on to something, though. It is the personal feeling of each individual pundit or journalist that determines any bias, I think, and these feelings vary from person to person, even from issue to issue.

Here is my best idea: The journalist is biased in favor of whatever is sensational.

I hope that helps somehow! I don't know how to help with the outline except to say that I think you need to settle on a specific idea to argue.

:-)

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]


I really think the most effective way is the tedious way: Look at an article, and type the sentences. You can actually set a book or magazine next to the computer and type each sentence.

That is the way to program your brain. Also, speak each sentence aloud before and after you type it.

The first challenge to me is that I have no much do not have many ideas about the topic, so I don't know what to write. ---I fixed the sentence a little.

Certainly mainly because I am not familiar with those topics, even never thought them over before.-----yes, that makes it hard! And students too often try to write about subjects they don't understand. Well, google this: critical thinking strategy

If you learn the principles of critical thinking, you can write about anything!

Also, google this: rogerian argument
And this: rogerian argument.

Those are good strategies to use.

:-)

One more... google this: how to write a paragraph topic sentence

Scholarship / What extracurricular skills and experience will you bring to Rotman Commerce? [8]

Oh, I liked "grinning sky!" I wonder why Rajiv edited it out... probably because you have too many modifiers in that first sentence.I think you should execute 2 adjectives in that first sentence. But I LIKE grinning sky. Just make sure you add a detail to show in what sense it is grinning.

As one of the senior students, organizing many sections of the events, for instance arranging the materials required and planning for the decoration of the event, grouping students, etc, were was often a vital portion of our responsibilities in ****.

I think you can improve the clarity of the whole essay by adding a very short, simple sentence to the end of the first paragraph. The first para currently ends with a long sentence, and that takes away from the clarity of the whole essay. Sharpen the meaning of that main idea with a short sentence tacked onto the end of that first paragraph. :-)

Writing Feedback / The world is like a painting, our existence the penciled outlines and our lives.. [8]


In Strunk and White it says you have the option to capitalize or not capitalize after a colon like this. In this situation, I would capitalize.

I read somewhere: The world is like a painting, our existence the penciled outlines and our lives the coloring.
Obviously, that is totally unimportant!Just something I thought I'd share.

But what is this background, do we see it the same way others see it?---I would like this sentence more if it said, "Do I see it the same way others..."

It is confusing to talk about "we and them"...

question mark:
Is there lying in the hollow of our minds something predetermined about us.

Thanks for sharing this! I think there is free will. It's just like when you are president. You probably have to sell your soul to some extent to become president, and when you are president you have to "play ball" with a bunch of cronies if you want to get anything accomplished, but you do still have SOME free will! Even though a lot of factors affect me, I think I am still a being with the ability to steer this strange vehicle. Well, some people think we have not only free will but also the ability to change reality altogether!

Essays / How to put together a good essay about "Bottoming Out" in King Lear? [4]

specifically the part where he is hallucinating with the mock trial of Goneril and Regan. ----agreed.


Excellent... sounds good...


It makes you have to do something to change the situation. Prior to bottoming out, you perpetuate the dysfunction...

"discuss these questions in a general way, explaining your ideas carefully, and use examples from King Lear"---I think the teacher might mean you should discuss the concepts directly and use Lear as a source of examples. So the paper is not about Lear, but it has a Lear theme.

Anyway, it is best to ask the teacher, because "in a general way" is not clear.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Is the hard drive storage your only concern? [3]

In this essay, I think I have a good idea to improve your straightforward, clear writing style:
Add a sentence at the beginning of the essay that gives your main idea, like this:

(Write a sentence that sums up the message of the whole essay). Our personal computer is composed of several parts: CPU, motherboard, video card, memory, and ...

In my opinion, we are concerned the hard drive, because it stores irreplaceable information, it is vulnerable, and it can be used as backup.----Nice job with this thesis statement.

One virus resides...
Several viruses reside...
In the second place, computer viruses reside in the hard drive.

Here, it's really make it a summary of the essay by connecting the two sentences together:
In summary, the hard drive is where we keep our supplies, because without them we are not able to do anything, and our work will be stuck or delayed. However, the main concern for anybody who considers information to be important will definitely be the hard drive.

I like that last sentence! I have experienced that pain. :-)

Grammar, Usage / Faculty outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach? [2]

For some fields , like history, mathematics, archeology, etc, which are more theoretical, it is unlikely that the teachers will have engaged i n activities outside the academic world.

For the engineering field, it is significantly necessary ---I don't think "significantly necessary" is a good term to use. It actually is quite accurate for this purpose, but I still think it is unnecessarily cumbersome. I think you should replace it with "important"....

...important for the teachers to join practical activities in addition to doing academic research.

In this regard, the teachers have become "bosses " rather than teachers, while the students have become the employees who are function as a cheap labor force.

Very good job! You write without errors! It's a good, sensible argument, too. Can you think of what someone would say if they disagreed with you? Give a paragraph that explains what someone would say if they disagreed with you, and then tell us why your opinion is more sensible. That is called "refuting the counter-argument."

Research Papers / "James and a parking lot" - business law question [3]

Hi Marzi,

You should give some discussion of relevant pages from your text book. We can help you figure out the concepts if you want to talk about them. But I have to be careful, because some people would ask for opinions and then just use those instead of doing the assignment.

So, please start a discussion of the relevant issues in the text. What is the text book?

Essays / Need to write a sociology research paper about Bullying! [6]

Hey there, your plan looks fine. I want to mention, though, that you should be flexible about it. When I write, I just write a few sentences about the main idea of an article. Then I do it again and again for a lot of articles. The paragraphs begin to take form, and they are like puzzle pieces on the screen. Use cut/paste to put them in a good order.

You can write an outline after you have written several paragraphs. Writing an outline ahead of time is a good way to give yourself "writer's block."

Anyway, I think you already wrote this paper. Did I see it in another thread?

I hope you have a lot of success! :-)

Writing Feedback / Our achievements in the past will motivate us today. [5]

I don't think tsunami needs to be capitalized: as big earth quakes, tsunamis and cyclones...

In fact, their findings are the basis for ...

You did a great job. Now, that last paragraph is about how the past can motivate us, which is another argument to support your thesis statement. So, I think that last paragraph is a body paragraph. You need another paragraph after it, and that last paragraph will be the conclusion. The first and last paragraph of an essay like this should both be about the main idea or message of the essay -- the most important CONCEPT of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / (Internet service and public transportation) - change would make to your home town? [2]

Personally, I prefer to use a lot of Internet services and go around ??? go around?

Oh, I see. I think you should type:
Personally, I prefer to use a lot of Internet services and visit many different places. Therefore, if I could make some changes to attract people to my hometown, I would like to improve ...

This means that we can discuss our assignments in many places other than in MacDonald's, where we have to fight against the tasty but high-calorie food during our conversations. talking .

Except In addition to the Internet service, another change that I want to make ...

In my hometown, there are only a few bus stops.

:-) Great job!!! Keep practicing.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Daily homework is necessary or not [3]

Yeah, that first sentence has a problem:
The topic of whether teachers should give homework to students every day is controversial due to its complexity.

Some people think it is necessary while others don't agree about it.

Besides , teachers may ask some questions which are easy to misunderstanding misunderstand.

After finishing these questions, students could figure out the problem they have and remember it.

On the other hand, doing daily homework can push students to study. In general, there are many decade students in a class, teacher can't supervise their students at the same time. One of the ... good.

On another hand, it ... ---You already used "on the other hand," so use a different phrase...
It is also true that homework causes students to study in groups.
:-) Practice these corrections!

Undergraduate / "the struggles of not having a stable home" - personal statement life transition [2]

I challenge toy to condense the first paragraph into a singe sentence, and make it a sentence that gives all the same information. You should not use a whole paragraph to give information that could be given in a singe sentence.

I think you should write that first paragraph as a singe sentence, and then connect it to paragraph 2.

Cut this sentence:
Overcoming the struggles of not having a stable home has broadened my horizon.
Moving from place to place brought challenges making it hard for me to focus as a student from
elementary through middle...

Condense and refine. Forge the blade.

I intend to work in business management and eventually own my own ___________ (what kind of business?) business. College is my way of...
:-) Nice!!

Writing Feedback / Behavior of people in the formal organization is influenced by structure, technology [4]

You're supposed to drive traffic to your thread by helping other people and asking them to return the favor. :-0

Talking about
I think you should write it this way:
With regard to the organizational structure of this office, I haven't seen any conflict with their work. ------But I don't think this is what organizational structure is. The structure is the way the people's positions and roles within the organization relate to one another. I think this sentence would be better if it mentioned organizational climate instead.

Everybody is like performing the tasked or designated work for them their work effectively. ----I simplified here.

People age 45 and above prefer to type their reports or documents using the typewriter, but I don't see it as a hindrance because they are still effective in what they do. -----Really? I don't know anyone who still uses a typewriter.

On the management policies well being in a unit office of DENR is that this office always seeks advice from the higher office such as Provincial Environment and Natural Resources office or the Regional office. ----I had to simplify this sentence, too. It was confusing!

And so worker workers will have a little disappointment.

:-)

Scholarship / Why I want to major in Economics-- Providing aid to those in need [2]

This has too much emphasis of being a business owner. It's not about being an "owner." It's just being self-employed as a freelancer. If you say "owner" it sounds like you are trying to exaggerate.

Then, it hit me! I enjoy understanding how my business's money circulates. Why not major in economics?---I suggest saying this in a different way, too. No, you should go into greater detail about the depth of your contemplation. You need money to survive, so you should learn economics, and this will enable you to do anything you want to do as a freelancer. But I don't think you should say "Then it hit me" or "why not..."


I like this part.

My main basis for video editing was to help those in need. In my case, I primarily helped high school athletes trying to play on the collegiate level by creating a highlight tape for coaches to view.

Therefore, when some investments took a turn for the worse, their assets ultimately fell alongside. ---I think you should write this in a simpler way, too. I think I know what you are trying to say, but I'm not sure how to fix it.

Had there been someone to say, their investments were inadequate and should be recycled. ---Again here... I'm not sure how to fix this sentence.

Okay, how about citing a few books or articles. Have you studied Keynes? Show that you are already fascinated. Google this: freakonomics (it's a recent book)

:-)

Research Papers / Gay and Lesbian Parenting cause effect thesis statement [5]


No, the question was about the outcome of a situation with same-sex parents.


This is true! A lot of research supports your view. But still, the essay is about same-sex parents.

Anyway, Janet, tell me what you think will happen if a child has parents that are the same sex (i.e. two homosexual men raising a child). Write one sentence about what you think the "effect" will be.

That is your thesis statement, and it should probably be put at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Scholarship / "teaching all the things I had learned" - how I can contribute to the diversity [3]

I can contribute in different ways to the community teaching all the things I had learned from those opportunities and experiences that I had. For example, From my experience as a volunteer in a home care center for seniors, I learned how to be patient , how to work with people with Alzheimer's disease, be responsible, help each other and to communicate effectively.

You did not really answer the second question. You should get more specific. Maybe you will talk about a sense of spiritual fulfillment, or maybe you will talk about meeting new people and networking with them. Maybe you will talk about a personal philosophy you developed. :-) So, get specific at the end when you talk about community service.

Poetry / "A place that has a meaning" - writing a senses poem help [2]

You could fill them in any way you like. Look around you right now, this moment. What do you see? What do you smell.

If you don't smell anything, imagine something.

This can be fun.


Do you understand this part? I feel uncomfortable because my eyes are rotting. I feel nervous, because I don't know if anyone can love a guy with rotten eyes.

;-)

Ha ha, just kidding, my eyes are not rotting. But you need to be a little crazy when you write poetry.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Graph: Contribution of selected sectors to the UK economy in the 20th century [3]

This is a very difficult kind of essay to write!
I'll offer some ideas:
The graph shows changes in the percentages of the UK economy accounted for over the 20th century by three sectors: agriculture, manufacturing and business and financial services.

At the beginning of the 20th century, we can see that agriculture and manufacturing played as a key roles in the UK economy with just ...

Use "roles" because there are more than one:
By contrast, the roles played by business and financial services in ...

You did a very good job with this difficult task.

Graduate / the fundamental properties of the world (MS in Electrical Engineering-Communication) [7]

See the TOS!

You can find out your options.
:-)