Undergraduate / "As an Indian-American living in the US" - Peace Corps Admission Essay [8]

The middle paragraph has no period at the end. The last sentence of the essay repeats an idea you already expressed.

Other than those 2 small issues, this is great!!

Graduate / Stop Look And Go (topic for micro presentation) [8]

Let me try to find some of your mistakes...

Those who do not follow the directions might face consequences of being penalized, or most likely, a fatal accident.

Way = it
Ways = they
In my opinion, the SLG ways of control can relates relate to our life. If practice effectively, it they actually plays play an important role in our ...

Discontinue the mission that leads you nowhere. Change passage when routes are not materialized. CLOSE the chapter and RESTART a new chapter of LIFE. Well, all the past will only make you wiser, better and stronger.----Very good... this is one of my favorite essays. Thanks for sharing this! You have some mistakes with you English, but you also have some great WISDOM!

Writing Feedback / To read books and to watch TV can help develp imagination and language skills [3]

When different ways forms of entertainment become prevalent, such as book reading and TV watching, people try ...

Imagination is one thing expected. ---I don't know what you mean by this sentence.

Some people argue that by reading books we can gain skills better than by watching TV.

I think different media have special influences on the cultivation of skills.---I agree! You have some great sentences.

Such reactions happen subconsciously.

To conclude, the development of imagination is results from experiencing a combination of different media.

Practice these corrections! Type them 10 times to practice, and you will gain the correct habits. :-)

Writing Feedback / the culture of Thailand and China: Compare and contrast [4]

Colander Calander


No, it does not seem childish. It seems like the writing of a bilingual person. In the 21st century, a bilingual person is more effective than a monolingual person who writes in a conventional way. Your way is better!

...pay a significant number amount of money for primary school, middle school and high school, while ...

Chinese students are receive their education for free.

Second, both countries' students do not have the same amount of time for studying in school.

In spite of these two differences, there is a cultural similarity between Thailand and China, and this similarity has something to do with lifestyle.

... people were more peaceful and relaxed , and so were Chinese people.

Moreover, both countries' people have alike similar activities after work.

:-) nice!! You do not have many errors!

Undergraduate / "a smaller environment where I am not just a number" - Spelman Transfer Essay [3]

Use "excited about" instead of "of"
...would encounter, excited about beginning a new ...

The years I spent in high school were not great; however I made the best of them. ----good sentence!

I want for all of my professors to know my name and know me as a person.---Very good... I really like the way you express your ideas in this essay.

You have some excellent goals and you seem very thoughtful/reflective. I think the essay is good, and if you want to make it better you can add some more detail about what you hope to accomplish in your first year at this new school. Set some goals for yourself, and become familiar with articles written by the professors, etc. You can get very specific, and that will show your seriousness.

:-)

Research Papers / Brown Rice And White Rice - its effects on our health [2]

If a word begins with a, e, i, o, or u, do not let the word "a" come before it. Change "a" to "an" like this:

...an essential part source of nourishment in life, rice is always in our daily diet.

Spelling: differrences differences

I can take away some unnecessary words at the end of this sentence:
Compared to white rice, brown rice is more nutritious. than it .

In contrast, brown rice still retains its vitamins, minerals, fiber, and so forth.

You never have to say "discuss about." Discuss = "talk about" so you can take away "about."
Finally, we discuss about their different effects to on our health.

Those who eat rice HAVE...
... those who eat two or more servings of brown rice a week have an eleven percent reduced risk of getting the disease.

Great job! Thanks for teaching me about the differences between brown and white rice!

Writing Feedback / "Parents = best teachers; we Human's are also bound by the same Law of Nature" -TOEFL [2]

Don't capitalize animal. Don't capitalize human. These are common nouns, not proper nouns.

Stop saying "as per that." It's not a good way to write. Just say this:
Accordingly, she can teach the child how to improve on weakness and guide them to ...

Do not capitalize these words: that Parents are the Best Teacher for their child.

Furthermore we can tell that Kids kids learn their language ...

Unfortunately we are living in real world & we are human. Even all the above points are true, but there are some exceptions. First negative point for parents being teacher is that-----Oh, very good! I am impressed. When you look at the other side of the argument, your whole essay becomes stronger.

Please type the essay again and try to use the corrections you found in this thread. You can type it again in a post below. You need to practice by typing, even though it is tedious. :-)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A question about teacher`s remuneration [5]

Essay examples in books are written in the same manner, and it is even considered a disadvantage to use super-sophisticated sentences. ----true!! Read Stephen King or Hemmingway, and you will see simplicity.

On the other hand, I am reading now Kerouac's "On The Road" and I just can't leave the dictionary aside. So either I am on the wrong way and have come to wrong conclusions, or American English has become way more simpler over the recent 50 years. Am I right?------No, it is not about the past 50 years. Some people are verbose, and other people are not. Some people communicate powerfully, and others try to feign intelligence by using overly complex language.

Keep it simple. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Important truths begin as outrageous, or at least uncomfortable..." [2]

Yes, you should use a spell checker. Google this: online spellchecker.

I'll add an apostrophe here:
The nature of human beings' perception varries varies from person to person.

People tend to think about issues and accept ideas when people meet consensus of mind.

Clearly from the studying the past, we can see that numerous theories have been developed by famous scientists based on their experiments and observation. They we subjected to even hostile measures when they approached ordinary folks. ????

Also, capitalize the first word of every sentence. :-)

Essays / Topic Outline and Thesis Statement Guide for Capital Punishment. [11]


I like that explanation. Thanks, Jimy!

Scholarship / Football - extracurricular skills and experience you will bring to Rotman Commerce? [3]


Some would argue that it is not the most demanding, and I think all team sports are designed in such a way.

...two raised eyebrows of others." These are the profound words of Bryan Magee.

And let's change one word here:
The pressure students including myself will face at Rotman Commerce will in no way affect discourage me but instead, to a certain extent, bring out the best in me.---and I added some commas.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my Uncle Raymond" - a person you admire & how they have influenced your life [7]

This essay represents me well because it discusses how my uncle has became an influenced has become an influence in my life and shaped me into the person I am today. He has also inspired me to become interested in Sports Administration.

I fixed an error and put a period at the end.

But yes, I think this is what Susan had in mind. It makes it very clear to the reader that you are responding respectfully to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Grahp (the pattern of smoking of different sexes) [5]

The graph shows the pattern of smoking of different sexes in Someland during the yea rs 1960 -2000.

A holistic view on men's smoking numbers shows that the number of frequency of male smoking has slightly dropped during ...

However, women show another trend regarding the numbers of smokers at during this period. --great sentence!

...per 1000 people. person .

The number ...----> has...
Since 1975 the number of women smoking have has a steady dropped until year 2000 when the number reached to around 200 smokers per 1000 person.

I don't know how to give a score, but I think this is very good. It is hard to write about. That is why a graph is used. Truly, this is tha most difficult kind of writing task.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "My fortunate life" - childhood experience affects to people's life [4]

Often, childhood experiences affect people's thinking and the way they behave in adulthood. ---I made many changes here.

Although I had faced an extremely difficult time when I was young, I have perceived many ...

However, fortunate stars didn't ...

... communist took over the South Vietnam, forcing my father to the reeducation camp site, leaving my misfortunate mother alone and four-months pregnant with me.

I still remember vividly our hut's roof, made by palm and coconut leaves that would be needed to replace before each raining season.---Excellent description here.

How I could forget waking up at night when the water dropped on my face because of the leaking on the roof. ---use a question mark here. ?

Money was not plenty in our home, and we often had to fear what tomorrow might bring. Playing with dolls and electric toys were not existed was not a reality for me, because they did not exist at my home.

Yet , I am not earning plenty from my job, but I am satisfied with my daily experience. occurrence .

Very good! Your writing is better than you think it is! And you have had a fascinating life, Kathy...

Graduate / "a subject-matter expert" -MBA essay (academic & career progress + goals) [4]

Do this:
oblivious to the fact that...

Also, hearts cannot be filled with revenge, but instead with a desire for vengeance:
Shock, fear, and a desire for revenge filled ...

my ability to respond faster to the ...

In a piece of very important writing, try to always use a noun right after "this"
For me, this (add noun here) explicitly confirms my academic goal to gain a perspective that goes beyond bottom-line analysis and ultimately inspires me to become a T-Bird.

You did so well! I think you have nothing to worry about. The essay reflects your advanced understanding of business, versatility, and change. My most important advice is this: the first para should not end with the 911 statement. ADD a sentence after that. Let it be a thesis statement at the end of that first paragraph. Look at the whole essay and try to sum up its meaning in a single sentence. Put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph after the 911 sentence.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "For eyes, loser"; Introduction to bullying essay [3]

Yes, four is the number. "For" is a different word.
Use a hyphen:
"Four-eyes! Loser!" Those are a couple of words that come out...

Use an apostrophe:
... of a bully's mouth.

As one word, everyday is an adjective used to describe a noun. In this case, it is supposed to be 2 words:
Many kids are struggling every day because ...

again here:
Every day he fears ...

Spelling: ...talking to the bullies who are bullying...
:-)

Dissertations / I need research topics from software engineering and web mining [8]

What are the professional journals that deal with this subject? I always feel guilty when people ask about data mining, because it is not a subject I know well.

I hope you can search essayforum for the term and find some threads where people have shared useful information.

But truly, if you are going to study this subject you need to be reading the articles that have been written about it. What are the professional journals associated with it? Is "data mining" also known by a different name?

Anyway, please search essayforum, and when you find people who are also interested in this maybe you can collaborate with them.

Good luck!!

Poetry / A road less traveled by Robert Frost - poem analysis [3]


I understand what Mark means, but in some classes the teacher requires a bit of explanation first. So, it all depends on what the teacher requires.

You can say "more... than" or "the same amount... as"
I want to try to fix this sentence:
He has come to realize that each road has the same amount of wear. than the other. ---This makes more sense, now, but is it really what you are trying to express?

Keep it in the present verb tense:
He decides to take the second road and thinks to himself that he can take ...
I like this part: There is no judgment from these paths, just lessons learned.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the benefits of global cooperation [7]

In this situation, use the present verb tense instead of the past tense:
...some people argue that ...

environmental protection has been received more profit than others.----This part is not written correctly. What are you really trying to say? Do you mean to say that some people think environmental protection has been enhanced through globalization?

However, I believe that international trade are benefitted more by global collaboration.---I think you are right!

In conclusion, by working together people throughout the whole world have ...

Okay, I see what you mean, now.
Do this:
Although the question of which sector is benefited more by global cooperation has been a debated issue, some people argue that environmental protection has been funded more than other endeavors. However, I believe...

:-)

Writing Feedback / O level: The importance of sports event in Singpapore school [5]


The problem with this sentence is that it should say "succeed in teaching." It is not good to write "succeed to teach."

I am impressed that you two know about active/passive voice! That is advanced writing. Passive voice really is okay sometimes, but active voice is more powerful.

Sports is plural, so you should not use it with "a"...
Sports, thus, are represent a crucial component of education beside the other events such as art festivals and leadership training programs.----sports can represent a component...---that is how to fix it.

To begin with, sports play a critical role in the holistic education which aims to establish and strengthen the links between physical activities and other academic performances. ----impressive sentence!!

Regular indulging in sports helps in keeping one's immune system strong, thus (i took out a comma) reducing the ...

:-)

Graduate / (Motivation / Methodology) - Question about the content of my master statement [4]


To correct the grammar:
because of.... and also because of having grown up in a family that were mostly employed in an XXX.
It is a strange verb tense. I want to learn because of having grown up in a family of...

Anyway, if you want to impress them, you should want to write something specific rather than wanting to have a particular degree. The best thing to do is describe the research you want to do. That means you should be ahead of the game. As a masters student you will have to look at a particular area of your chosen field and see what you can write that will CONTRIBUTE TO THE FIELD. So, if you really want to impress them, do not talk about your family. Talk about recent articles and books that pertain to your topics of interest.

Also, talk about some short term goals you have set for yourself. I think that is the best way.

:-)

Graduate / Master in International Trade - Supply Chain Management track - Motivation Essay [2]

As I enjoy planning operations, coordinating tasks, and thinking about improvements e3fficiency, I am deeply ...

That is why, through my researches research on schools for next year, the University of XX came to me as the best in class. I would therefore be ...

You seem to be a great communicator. Now I just want to mention that you should add a THEME that will help the reader remember you. That is most important. This essay is too plain. You need to include one concept that makes you interesting. What is the concept that is best for expressing your unique approach to supply chain management?

Book Reports / "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien - Book Report [2]

Do not use s at the end of "respect" unless you are doing this:
He respects her decision.

In this case, "respect" does not need s:
...losing the respect of his parents...

, he fears the law, he fears ridicule and censure (42). It is the fear of shame that drives men to the war to kill one another.

They carried the common secret of cowardice barely restrained, the instinct to freeze or hide, and in many respects this was the heaviest burden of all [...]. They carried their reputation; they carried the soldier's greatest fear, which was the fear of blushing. Men killed, and died, because they were embarrassed not to. (21)-----I don't get it! Where are the " " marks? If these are quotes, they need to be between " " marks.

Okay, I am going to correct this one for you. The parenthetical reference must come before the punctuation:
Later in the book, after recounting incidents that lead to Kiowa's death, the author himself admits: "The piece has ... did not freeze up or lose the Silver Star for valor. That part of the story was my own" (154). Fiction and nonfiction blends blend together ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Open" - What you would bring to help build a diverse community [2]

I love that intro! And the word slew is great...

Let's not use "man" because it is not gender inclusive. That is important.
I believe a man person who is able to walk ...

I often indulge myself this is not the way to use this word.
into deep conversations with them as to why they lost their faith. ---I don't think this really has anything to do with the main theme of the essay.

You should divide this into 2 or 3 paragraphs. Stay focused on the main idea: letting adversity make you stronger.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Media should always show positive people and blame bad charachters [5]

Some people tend to believe that movies and television shows should obey the rule that good people are rewarded and the opposite is true for bad people, while others seem to believe movies and television shows should not always do this.

In my opinion, it is recommended or even necessary that movies and televisions television shows should always show audience good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished.

First of all, movies and Televisions television shows have educational meanings for an individual to some extent.

When people see... they will...
If people saw... they would...
For example, when people see that a good person is always rewarded in the end of the movie or the television program, they would will gradually realize the importance of being a good person.

You write very well with just a few errors. Hey, what about films and television shows that portray the way the world really is? Don't you want films and shows to be works of art? If we say they should always show an unrealistic world, I think that will be a terrible thing!

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Keep Yourself a Lifelong Promise - Say "No" to Drugs - an essay on drug abuse [3]

No matter if you are taking public transport, watching TV, or even simply dawdling on the street, the same message appears in front of you so frequently, that as if you yourself are already a drug addict. ----Ha ha, very good sentence! I just made a few changes.

to join the parade of death. ---Oh, very powerful writing here.

...coerced into drug abuse and cannot get rid of drugs ever since. withstand the peer pressure.

you have some very impressive sentences: Right now there is only one school in Hong Kong which provides service, but obviously a single school is not enough, because many young drug abusers are now waiting in the long queue to get into this school, and it is estimated the number of waiters will increase consistently in the short run. ----You have excellent command over the English language. Great job!

Therefore, by building more schools, we can make it possible for these youths to join the ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / I like to study with my teacher rather than studying alone. [3]

Great corrections here. JuimpingJack, please type it again and try to use the corrections. Do you have any questions about them?

They always try to make students become creative and innovative.

My science teacher always supports me to encourages me to ...

Last year, I have made a robot.

Capitalize his name: My friend, Akash, was unable ...

Read the whole essay again, and write a sentence that expresses your MAIN IDEA, your MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE to the reader. Put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. It will be your thesis statement.

:-)

Graduate / "How the MPA may influence your career Choices" - Personal Statement [4]

...strong educational interest in learning more about the functions of government.

During periods of self- reflection, I thought extensively about ...

...would have to be centered on helping others. ----Helping others is too simple! Can you say it in a different way? It is a cliche. Be more specific.

Though studying political science satisfied me intellectually, I still needed something to fulfill my personal desire to make a difference in society. ---pol sci is the best subject for making a difference! I think this sentence should be changed, because of course pol sci is a good route to go if you want to help.

being able to fulfilling my personal goal of assisting those in need be more specific, and my professional goal of understanding government and working effectively within it.---Sounds like they are both the same goal.

In terms of my personal goal, I ultimately want to work in a social welfare field that enables me to help disadvantaged populations. Though I am not sure which specific populations I want to assist, I feel completely confident in this decision. Specifically, I want to be able to oversee social welfare programs and services and ----Oh, very good. Okay, I understand better now. This is very good. I like the clarity of your goals. Still, if you read some articles about current hot topics in social services, you can write more intelligently and specifically. You said, "Specifically, I want to oversee... etc., but that is still not very specific. Where do you want to be, and what is your philosophy of government? Read some great articles, and when they are fresh in your mind do another draft. You will find yourself writing about contemporary issues.

:-) You did great!

Research Papers / "Mislabeling Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder" revise my paper in Rogerian style? [4]

I was confused for a minute about what Susan meant... I see what she means, and I see what you mean, too. The thread title does make it seems that way, but I know you are just trying to learn.

:-)

So, to really understand Rogerian style, you need to see the beauty of making your opponent's argument for her. That is the most effective way to win an argument.

Writing Feedback / Young people should prefer living in the city. [4]

Great thread, everyone. Thanks!

I'll do some grammar corrections.

...because of the many reasons.

Plenty of jobs are available in the city.

As there are plenty of jobs available in the city, it will be easier for them to find a suitable job. ---Good sentence!

But in rural areas there are very few jobs.---I added s

Do not capitalize "city" here:
I believe that the city is the most happening place to live, because...

Good facilities like the mall, medical clinics, markets -- the city is full of ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "My love of writing - Growing as a writer": Transfer Essay for the Common App. [5]

Hi Grujic, I'm glad to have you here in the forum. You are the writer-type, aren't you?!

Let me try to help with "brevity," one of the most important skills of a writer:

I hope to one day be able to expose readers to whole new worlds just as ...

...to truly succeed as a writer I need to be someplace where I will be challenged. ---And you need to be a little eccentric! :-)

I truly believe UVM is this place. ---Need a more meaningful sentence here! This one does not qualify.

Capitalize all subjects or none... I like to capitalize none. literature and political science: American Politics and Government Concentration.

I believe that I can truly succeed at UVM.--- no good! Only include excellent sentences. :-) Use imagery words and action verbs.

Okay, I was not able to add much brevity, because you are already very efficient. I suggest describing your reasons for transfer in terms of the unique interests you have developed, and name the teacher's at this new school whose work you admire. You only deserve to attend the school if you have become familiar with the professors' articles, books, research.

You write very well!

Undergraduate / "economics was the right career path for me", common app transfer columbia university [7]

Do not begin the sentence with "whereas." Also, it is one word, not 2 words:
whereas

Where as, at At Columbia, communication between the...


I like this sentence a lot! However, I think you should only have this sentence and ONE other sentence to tell what was wrong with that school. You do not need to write a lot about what was wrong. Instead, write about your specific interests and goals. Can you name 2 new interests that developed for you this year? 2 new goals you can achieve at this school to which you are transferring?

Plans and goals are most impressive. You can just delete those sentences of criticism for the other school, and leave only 1 or 2. Focus on positive things about your plan and this school. Write about the books and articles written by professors you admire at this school.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Organizing a Fashion Show" -admission- Most important achievements and contributions [6]

Well, maybe you will do all of them. That is how things seem to happen in the 21st century. :-) Do well! You are a good communicator.

Scholarship / (graduated as bachelor in chemistry) Joseph Fourier scholarship [4]

Ever since my days in college, I have felt a strong desire...

In the first paragraph, you talk about a strong desire to go abroad, but I don't think that is the strong desire. I think going abroad is a "means to an end." That means you want to go experience new cultures so that you can make a big splash in this world. What is your real goal, your real interest?

I think you should change the first paragraph so that it expresses a meaningful goal associated with making a contribution to science. Your homework is to read a biography of Marie Curie. She will inspire you. Her work with radiation ultimately killed her, but she changed the whole world.

Okay, you wrote about many different things in this essay. It seems like a list. I think you should add a few sentences to the first and last paragraph and use a clever, memorable phrase or word as your THEME. You should have one big theme that is repeated at the beginning and end.

Most importantly, go read 10 articles tonight that interest you. Make them articles about chem. You should revise this essay so that it discusses current chem topics. To not just refer generally to science and chemistry.

Do some reading about the most recent advancements, and discuss them. That is the field you are jumping into. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Parents are first" - narrative essay [12]

I am asma fiqi, and I have worked with various companies throughout my life.

They include St. Jude Medical, where my job was to build medical parts, Delta global service, where my job was to take care of the planes by cleaning, straightening cushions, providing supplies, etc.

I helped passengers with whatever they needed, helped elder people who needed my assistance when they were flying, and so forth.

Throughout my life experience, with all the jobs I had, I worked with ...

I also helped my grandpa, who was old and disabled for years, and I enjoyed helping him by cleaning, cooking, talking to him, listening, and so forth.

Yes, I have valid driver license, a car, and I would like to work part time.

We can discuss the hours, and I'll do my best to be flexible with the hours I am available.

Please let me know when you would like to arrange time to meet.Thanks and Have have a great day.

:-)

Writing Feedback / What is your favorite food to eat? how do you prepare it? [4]

Thanks, everyone. I think future visitors to this thread can learn a lot from you!

When we eat some food at home or in a dining room, the most important thing is how delicious the food is.

For instance, some people said "food is an art". ----good!

This means that food looks like an attractive picture and a beautiful statue; nevertheless, if taste is not suitable for a person, everything is not necessary to evaluate food it is not high quality food, no matter how beautiful it is.

On the contrary, my favorite food has an advantage: regardless of who cooks the egg-roll, it can be very delicious.

Well, I want to suggest to you how to make egg-rolls.

However, I recommend you to you that ketchup and steak sauce are suitable.

In conclusion, I talked about why I like this food and how to make it. I hope I will attract you try to cook it and want to share information about the taste.

:-)

Writing Feedback / O level: Children today have no proper childhood [7]

That's a strange thing to do. Doesn't she know that in the 21st century people from all over the world speak English in hundreds of different ways? Maybe she is just trying hard to teach you very, very well.

Anyway, even though we can all make suggestions it is actually true that your writing is at a high level of proficiency.

For example, look at how small this error is:
However, those arguments only take in to account only the material rather than spiritual comforts. ----It is a great sentence! Just delete "only" in one of those places. You only need it once! :-)

Be confident!

Grammar, Usage / Confused by the clause ("all but / he") - help me parse a sentence [7]

I think they are good. A newspaper usually is written with sentences that are not too complicated. However, if you read about a topic that is confusing, such as finance or politics, you might find unusual words.

Anyway, do not get frustrated. Make a collection of the confusing sentences, and talk about them with people here in the forums.

Essays / "we are losing most of our traditions and culture to technology" - argumentative [4]

What country are we talking about?

If you want to write about this topic, you have to decide how you feel about technology. Is it destroying culture?
Also, how do you feel about culture? Is culture good or bad? Is it supposed to stay the same?

If someone told you that the Internet was bad because it is destroying culture, would you agree?

Just start by writing one sentence. You can do it! :-)
We'll help.

Essays / Why do people commit crimes? (Speculating a cause essay) Help with intro and MIs. [5]

It might be easier for you if you speculate a cause for one person's crime. Do not try to write about ALL crime.
When you write an essay or research paper, it is important to "narrow" the topic a lot so that you can dig very deep and write something meaningful.

If the scope is too broad, it is difficult.

So... how about using the intro to name the crime and criminal and then give a thesis statement that captures, in a single sentence, the main idea of the whole essay.

:-)