Undergraduate / "Life's a Gas" - this song really affected me in an unsettling way [2]

One nice thing is that the vanishing you mentioned can be considered the only real salvation. Here we are in bodies that are gradually dying. We need a solution for that. That congratulations! Salvation -- you find out it really goes dream after dream.

Here is a cool way to play with sequence and possibly improve the reader experience: Try moving the first sentence so that it becomes the third sentence (after the word universe). See if you like it that way.

Here is a part I think we can improve:
I learned to not take things as seriously, and if things went go wrong that is how they are going to be. I learned to accept fate instead of stressing about what had already happened.

Great ideas here! So, can you dig deep and come up with one sentence that perfectly expresses the most important idea of the essay?

Writing Feedback / The purpose of education is to prepare students to carry on our societal values [2]


A word is missing here.

But aside from that, no we cannot help you improve! Your writing is great. Here is an idea I had, though: Add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to 'sharpen' the main idea of the essay. It can be a sentence that takes the general (and not so arguable) statement and turns it into something more specific and unique.

And after you add a sentence like that, you can self-evaluate by challenging your own idea. Your assertion implies that adults should impose their values on learners, but some would argue that the purpose of education is to empower learners to think critically and come to their own conclusions. I agree that education should be used to share important values, but some of the values transmitted through education are misguided. So... that is a good way to challenge your own idea in the essay. And it is a good way to acknowledge the importance of encouraging learners not only to consider ideas/values taught in school but also to evaluate and challenge them.

: )

Undergraduate / The Importance of Diversity - Cultural Food Day (Questbridge Prompt 2) [6]

I think you did really well with this! Let's improve it by infusing the introduction with a big message or theme. The writing style is engaging and fun already, and you can improve it even more by replacing that last sentence of the first paragraph with a sentence that carries a lot of meaning -- the main idea of the essay. The idea behind the essay is what determines the value of the essay. For example, consider 'Self-reliance' by Emerson. It hits hard with meaning because the message can be summed up in a single word. That is the best.

But start with expressing your meaning in a single sentence. What is the sentence that carries the message to the mind of the reader. Sum it up in a sentence; share your most important insight about diversity as it relates to the things that you want to do with your college education.

: )

Undergraduate / With keen interest in creativity and designer arts, I am a person with varied interests and talents [2]


This part is not persuasive. Every time you include a sentence that is not persuasive, or at least entertaining, you lose some credibility with the reader. You'll lose some of the reader's interest.

Your writing style is great, and you know how to put together excellent sentences. There is a strong possibility that your current challenge is to find the sentences that are not persuasive or useful. You have excellent mastery of language and you know how to write, but do you know how to un-write? Those of us who are good at writing sometimes write too much and fail to edit out the parts that are not so good.

Don't capitalize the word mother when you're using it as a common noun.

I think the whole first paragraph should be replaced. When you say keen interest, that is a bit of a cliché. That first paragraph is comprised mostly of unsubstantiated claims and facts about yourself that really do not show what is interesting about you. The reader is only able to consider and remember one idea at a time. What is the single idea that you want the reader to remember? Give that idea in the first paragraph.

Let's keep the same verb tense here:When I got married I felt like I am was the luckiest as my ...

: )

Scholarship / describe why you think you deserve XXX Scholarship in minimum 500 words [2]


I think this is the most important idea. I suggest doing some research today to find out more about the SME in your region, and really make a plan for taking action. Make a plan while pretending that tomorrow is your day for beginning to do business in the region and beginning to network with other stakeholders in the region. What would you do?

Make an excellent plan, and when you describe your plan the reader will know that you deserve the scholarship. The people who are most deserving are the ones who have put the most thought into what they want to do.

There is another suggestion: during your essay, when you directly address the question about what makes you think you deserve the scholarship, you can confess that you don't know that you deserve it more than some other person does. Let the reader know that you cannot say whether you deserve it but that you intend to honor it by making a real contribution and practicing business in a way that is socially and environmentally responsible.

Graduate / TU Delft - Draft of Essay in English for Master Degree in Applied Earth Sciences [3]


I like the formal, respectful tone that you set at the start of this essay. However, I think it is best if you continue the first paragraph by explaining all about your particular interests - the topics that are most fascinating or meaningful to you. I think this part should be saved for the next paragraph:

Having looked through...

I also think it is not good to use "look through" because that sounds so casual, like you chose this program after lunch one day when you are looking through some materials. Instead you should say "studying".

After the sentences in the first paragraph where you introduce yourself and tell where you work, I think you should explain what is most fascinating about the research topic you have chosen. Really share that interesting idea with the reader. That is the only way to catch and secure the reader's interest.

You write very well, and now I think you should focus on making the beginning of the essay like a sharp spear point - focus all of the interest and energy at the beginning of the essay so that the reader becomes interested in your research topic and in you personally. The reader will remember you if you enable her or him to associate your name with something fascinating that they read in your essay. That is why I think it should be adjusted so that more of the focus is on your chosen research topic.

: )

Undergraduate / "Make a living out of something you love to do" - University of Texas at Austin Statement of Purpose [2]

I think the first few sentences of the first paragraph can be removed. They are not really helpful for conveying the main idea of the essay. It will be great if the paragraph begins with the sentence that says, "I am a firm believer..."

But I like the way you start by saying, "We all have passions that sustain us... " Maybe that can be used somewhere else in the essay.

I like all of this. You'll do really well with this; you write well. And writing is part of film making. In fact, film is a new art form that combines music and visual art and writing with digital art, performing art -- you might want to focus on the fact that you are an artists and that as an artist you want to use the form of art that combines all others and represents the most ophisticated aft humanity has to offer.

: )

Research Papers / Market Segment and Target Market [5]

Hello, I look at this question and it makes me wonder how the product will be presented. All I know about the product, from your post, is that it consists of stuff that is local in Australia. But if it is sent to Japan it is not local anymore. What is special about it? You can decide what is special about it and choose a target market that way.

Remember, people like to be quirky and random. They like things that make them laugh. : )

Writing Feedback / "Yes Scotland" - The Scottish Referendum [4]

Hello, I like your writing style! But the first sentence of this essay is not interesting. It makes the mind shut down because the mind realizes the essay is telling it 'truisims' things it already knows. I think you should add a few intriguing words to that sentence. The first sentence needs to be interesting even when someone reads it and no other sentence of the essay.

To begin with, b Some English teachers say it's good to start sentences with little introductory phrases like that, but it makes weak writing. Be bold and brief. : )

Because Scotland's huge economic potential will be unleashed, Scotland should be an independent country. --- I like it better this way. But what do you mean? I think maybe this sentence could be clearer if you rearranged it a little.

In a nutshell.. Someone is teaching you to do this stuff.. I think it's important not to. These little cliche phrases will take the power out of our writing.

Come up with one sentence that captures the meaning of the whole essay. I guess it is this: Scotland should become an independent country due to economic and social causes.

I think it is okay, but it's better if the sentence also mentions those causes. But I suppose it does capture the full meaning of the essay. The best essay is when you can have a single sentence, even a single phrase or word, that expresses the main idea. That is the sharp spear point.

: )

Letters / 'Why? It is the question of a child'; motivation letter for a Master in Material Science [3]


I think you should start a new sentence there instead of using a run-on sentence. You'll express the way the ideas flow together anyway, because that feeling is reflected in these sentences you wrote when in a flowing (meditative) state of mind.

I have an idea... this is what I would do: Cut out every sentence between this -- In the days of my childhood I questioned everything (this is normal common stuff, too many essays say this) -- and leave only the great sentence at the end of the paragraph:

...wheels, does not fall in motion. In the days of my childhood I questioned everything I saw, I did not get always an appropriate response and when I got it I acknowledged this with a renewed question of why. This childish question seems simple yet, but it is in fact the question of complex and abstract nature scientific contexts. With t This question can ...

And let's tighten up the rest of that sentence:
...elicit embarrassment not just from my father but also from physicists, mathematicians or philosophers.

Try it that way, and then see what other sentences you can kill. Kill them dead. Leave only the best sentences, so this can be like top shelf academic writing. : ) It already is excellent writing, and the thing excellent writers usually need to focus on is 'saying it in fewer words' and editing out the unhelpful parts, even if you like them!

Undergraduate / Good Health - UW Madison something in life that goes unnoticed [2]

Day by day people live their life carelessly...
It looks nice if there is 'number agreement', so you write: ...people live their lives..

And you can change this word to give the sentence a nice rhythm:
...and without appreciating appreciation, not realizing..

I think you can do something better with the last sentence of the first paragraph. If you think about that sentence, and what message it carries, you'll see that it doesn't carry a big enough message. It only answers the question about what concept you want to focus on as an example of something that is unnoticed. What else would you like to say about it? I see that you have a theme of appreciation in this paper. A person cannot appreciate something if they do not notice it. There really is quite a lot we don't notice, and I think you can use this theme of appreciation to send an insightful message - one that is interesting to the reader. Give your best sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

I really like your idea for this essay, explaining that you felt inspired by the healthcare professionals who help your family. Now, I think you can improve the persuasiveness of the essay by in colluding some comments about what you did - what action you actually have taken - in response to this calling toward (nursing?). For example, have you been reading about different philosophies of nursing and of medicine? You might have a favorite book or a favorite researcher making advances in the area of specialization that most interests you.

It will be great if you can give some discussion of that near the end of the paper.

: )

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Children are rather free from most of regulations and obligations in this society [5]

...whether childhood is happiest moment is the happiest time in one's life.--- The way you used 'moments' here is not correct. I changed it so the grammar would be better.

I am not sure how many people disagree with this;however, generally speaking, I believe... I changed a comma to a semi-colon in this sentence, and now it is no longer a run-on sentence. Many native English speakers make this same mistake. We can't use 'however' in the middle of a sentence like that. The correct way to use 'however' in the middle of a sentence is like this:

The happiest times may be in childhood. The most fulfilling times, however, are in adulthood.
Or like this:
I am not sure how many people agree with this. Generally speaking, however, I believe...

Finally, parents encourage their children to have a good moment and fun. ---Use plural forms of the nouns when you have a sentence like this. Parents encourage children to enjoy good moments and fun.

I also see that you did not capitalize the first letter of the last paragraph.

: )

Research Papers / formatting and proper content - I need a peer review for a research paper [8]

Hi! It's great that you care enough about your writing to spend time asking for a critique. Where is the thesis?

One of the ideas I think is most important is to spent plenty of time on the Lit Review before trying to write the introduction. And the thesis statement really should be written last. Some people try to write it first. That is okay if they know their topic really well, but in general when you come up with a thesis statement first and then try to find research to support it, you are sending your self on an unnecessary scavenger hunt. It's better to dedicate all your attention to the Lit Review and then see what ideas emerge naturally.

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

Hello!

Your seriousness as a student is impressive, and your ability to show serious diligence is more important than perfect grammar. But it still is a good idea to send this to have the grammar edited.

Here is an example of a grammar error:
My name is Basheer and I am 28 years old, I had finished ...
That is a run-on sentence. Replace the comma with a period.

But more importantly, let's make it more enjoyable to read. Do that by adding a new sentence to the beginning of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence about why you want to study this particular subject. Surely that decision has something to do with your philosophy about life in general -- what you think is important and how you will accomplish it. You are enrolling in this program as a means to an end. What is your goal? Write a sentence about that to catch the reader's attention.

If you could write only one sentence to explain why it is important for you to enroll in this program in Germany, what would that sentence be? You need one sentence to express the single idea that the reader will remember. The reader will forget everything except this single, important, main idea of the paper. Express that idea in a single sentence somewhere in the first paragraph. : )

Good luck in your studies!

Writing Feedback / Ignoring what others' think and others' opinions is clearly the more successful path in life [9]

It's interesting that you are seeking the opinions of others about an essay that is about seeking the opinions of others. : )

It's better if you add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph to make a stronger, sharper thesis statement. Make it specific and meaningful. It is the most important part of the paper.

Then, the first sentence of each paragraph should be a way to demonstrate why the thesis statement is true. So you should test it to see if the sentences make sense following each other. Like this:

...literature, history, and in sports are full of examples to demonstrate the power of one's own personal decision without the assistance of others. In the novel Faulkner's As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner, the effect of making personal decisions without ... --- I think this does pass the test of whether the first sentence of the paragraph makes sense after that thesis statement.

Let's try it with the first sentence of the second body paragraph:
...literature, history, and in sports are full of examples to demonstrate the power of one's own personal decision without the assistance of others. In addition to American literature, history also depicts the ---Yes, you know how to have good structure. This also follows well. So I will tell you the next way to improve: Make sure the first sentence of each paragraph is meaningful and not redundant. This means adding a word to make sure it carries interesting 'substance' and meaning: Last but not least, following one's decision and its success can be seen in the sports world as athletes follow their intuition instead of looking for guidance from others.

I think that is better than just using the first sentence of the paragraph to repeat the idea that was expressed in the thesis statement.

Undergraduate / "it's the mark of a great player to be confident in tough situations" college essay [2]

I like this story, but some readers might think it is distasteful to tell your side of the story and explain it as though you were totally right and the more experienced teacher was wrong. This story leaves the reader thinking that you probably are not telling the whole story. Did she really get angry when you contradicted her? It seems like some event is not being told.

You used 'calm' twice in the first paragraph, and I think you should use a different word the second time because it is a little confusing. Have you ever been in a situation where you lost your calm?' This makes the reader think you are talking about your own calm. But at the end of that paragraph you are talking about her being calm at first, before getting angry. Maybe you can do this:

She was pretty calm friendly at first, and said a lot of positive things about me.

aside -- One word. Not this: a side
Do it like this: Step aside

She apologized for her behaviour, but I instead thanked her for putting me in a situation I could teach someone something.--- instead of what? I know what you mean, but 'instead' does not belong in this sentence unless you make a change:

She apologized for her behaviour, but instead of focusing on the apology I thanked her for putting me in a situation I could teach someone something.

: )

Undergraduate / 'The assignment was to make a family tree, and there were two boxes above my name: mom and dad' [2]

The essay is already perfect, so I'll give a few comments based on my own prejudices. : )

I believe Innovation and honesty are the -- I always think sentences are better without the words 'I believe'... even though maybe those words convey some aspect of how you mean to express the idea, maybe it is not an important aspect. I believe s Sentences always sound better without those particular words.

One other idea: You could do something better with the last sentence of the first paragraph. That's an important spot in the essay. I don't have any suggestions about how to do it, but you are already great at writing and I bet you can think of some words that really capture the most important insight a reader can take from this essay. Include those words in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Right now that first paragraph ends with a run-on sentence.

Undergraduate / Senator Mark Kirk - Why do you want to join a Service Academy? (Nomination) [7]


This way of introducing a quote is a cliche... it can't 'set you apart', as people like to say these essays are supposed to do, because it is overused. The goal is to be original. Example: I do not often see kids use quotes in the middle of one of the body paragraphs of an essay like this. That would be cool, because you'd be using it to help explain the main idea of the paragraph and it would be interesting and meaningful.

But at the start of the essay it seems abrupt, and it makes it so that the reader is focused on something Faulkner said instead of something you said.

alone among creatures has an --- A word is missing here.


This is the concern on my mind as well. You seem to have three separate stories, one to go with each word. You really have succeeded at using one theme to thread together the various ideas in the essay, because the whole essay is structured around the quote by Faulkner. But this case is a little different, because the quote refers to three somewhat arbitrary things.

Another problem is that if you're going to use the quote to give structure to your essay you should referred to the main idea of the quote - the meaning that you can extract from it. I personally don't know what Faulkner means when he says human kind will prevail due to having an inexhaustible voice, or being alone, or being characterized by the ability to sacrifice and have endurance and so forth.

I get the sense that you find comfort and motivation in the idea of living well, as a virtuous person who works hard for the benefit of others. That is awesome. If you can explain what drives you, personally, and use the quote to help explain your message - rather than designing your message around the quote - this essay might be improved. It is already impressive, and you write very well.

Book Reports / Macbeth by William Shakespeare successfully illustrates a variety of themes about human nature [2]


Okay, so this is the central idea of your essay, right? If you need an introduction and the conclusion developed, it means that you need your main idea developed. So, what is your unique idea about the theme of 'lust for power' used by Shakespeare? To write a great essay, you have to have a great idea. Is not a mechanical process of improving one part and then another part; you actually have to have an idea worth mentioning before you can try to express it in an eloquent essay.

When you do have a great, unique idea, it sometimes becomes very easy to structure your introduction in your conclusion in a good way. The goal is always to help people share and understand the idea that motivated you to write in the first place. So, now, you have done this much work and the concepts are fresh in your mind. I wonder what you will find when you review it again and ask yourself about the main idea that is worth writing about. Your own mind produces important ideas in response to the way Shakespeare portrays the corrupting influence of power, and it is your own reaction to this, based on your own knowledge and experiences, that will make your essay great.

Figure out your own main idea, and write a few sentences about it for the introduction paragraph in the conclusion paragraph. At this point in your process, it is probably best to use the introduction and the conclusion to explain your main idea in two different ways to help the reader understand.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Busy day" - College Essay - Why Penn? [3]


Maybe it is better to say slept late instead of slept in. That just might be a little clearer for the reader, but I think the way you have it is really okay.

I am trying to decide if I think the word "Today" is helpful or not at the beginning of the essay. Less is always more when it comes to content; readers like to figure things out on their own. They get really entranced when you allow some room for their imagination to fill in details.

At the end of the first paragraph you have a run on sentence, but it is a good one. I like the content of that sentence, and I wish the first paragraph focused more on the idea behind that sentence. If you have a business idea, and you are entering the business program, you are automatically impressive! And it is great to do business that involves something that is your hobby or interest, because you won't get bored with it.

I think if you focus the essay more on the business idea, and specifically talk about steps you can take toward achieving your goal while you are a student at Penn, it will persuade the reader that you are serious and driven student. Most students have their heads in the clouds and do not have a clear goal.

I like your writing style!

Letters / Bloomberg Sales and Analytic graduate program cover letter [3]

The way you use the word partake here is not exactly right. You can send like this:... My goal of beginning a career with...

In this sentence you don't need the word "and":
I am a broad-minded and an ambitious student ...
I do like the way you worded the sentence, but one problem with it is that it is an unsubstantiated claim! Maybe you could add another sentence to this paragraph to show what makes your talent our interest exactly right for Bloomberg.

As a result of studies I have demonstrated myself that I am a...
or
As a result of studies I have proven myself as a...

I gave some advice about grammar, but the most important advice is about content. I think this letter might be more impressive if you talk about some recent events pertaining to Bloomberg. Showing familiarity with the program is a way of proving to the reader that you are truly motivated and not exaggerating.

: )

Letters / 'I worked in Madagaskar' - Cover Letter Young Professionals Programme at the United Nations [3]


This sentence is not very helpful, and I think you should delete it.

Also, I think the first paragraph is not focused on the message you are trying to convey. That first paragraph tell them all about their program, but they already know about it. It really is better if you think of the most interesting or inspirational idea that has come to mind for you when thinking about getting involved in this program. Really ask yourself why it is meaningful for you and what you think is the best thing about the program. This essay needs to include at least one idea that expresses a THEME. What is the word or phrase that best expresses your motivation to join this program.

Another example of a place where there is no theme is this sentence:
Currently, I am studying General Management (M.A.) with specialization in Human Resources in ...and Entrepreneurship in Berlin and Stuttgart.----This is excellent, but you should revise it so that it expresses to the reader what this fact about you has to do with your ideas about how you will make a big contribution as a part of the organization.

If you read more about the organization, and think about your past accomplishments and greatest aspirations and talents, you will unearth the real distinction that sets you apart by making this letter interesting.

: -) Good luck! I'm sure they will be impressed with it.

Writing Feedback / Learn variety of cultures, traditions by engaging with local people and visiting historical places [2]

Your writing is great! It's hard to find an error. So I will tell you how to improve the structure.

First, add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It is clear already, but a paragraph usually should have more than 2 sentences. I especially think your first paragraph should have another sentence added because it is an opportunity to tell the reader the big idea of the essay.

Remember: The essay is supposed to convey to the reader one big idea. The first paragraph can express that same idea in a single paragraph. The last sentence of the first paragraph can express the same idea in a single sentence. That sentence can also include one or more words that express your idea in a single word. Stay focused on your big idea.

The first sentence of each paragraph should be a 'paragraph topic sentence' that explains two things: the main idea of the paragraph and how that idea is related to the big idea of the whole essay. These sentences are not related to the main idea you expressed in the first paragraph:

There are several ways travelers can learn...
People of course travel for various reasons and tourism is the top of these...
Your main idea was about 2 points of view. So if you want the paragraphs to begin with paragraph topic sentences that support the main idea, you can make this the first sentence of the paragraph:

People of course travel for various reasons and tourism is the top of these reasons . Some tourists do not learn about local customs because their purpose for traveling does not involve learning about culture. Indeed, it is possible to say...

: -)

Writing Feedback / Contemporary life prevent people from developing into strong and independent individual - Gre Issue [6]

Nevertheless, I agree with the statement to a certain the extent that such luxuries have made individuals take exert less efforts effort to reach their goals a goal in one's life .

I made some corrections above. You also can say: I agree with the statement to a certain extent, because such luxuries...

You have good 'structure' in your writing. It's good that the paragraphs start with sentences that introduce the main idea of the paragraph. H

Develop a habit of checking for 'number agreement' when you write. That means you make sure the verb is conjugated correctly based on whether the noun is singular or plural: The moment when the motivation and focus is are lost, the individual will lose the plot. I think 'plot' is not the right word to use here. You could replace it with this: ...will lose focus.

The main factor is the motivation in them to do when.----This sentence is not right. I guess the best way to change it is to take away the unnecessary words. The main factor is the motivation. in them to do when

has never lost his focus and work ethic for which ---This sentence is already well-written, but it will sound a little better if you use 'the' --- ...never lost the focus and work ethic for which...

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: WOMEN AND MEN EXCLUDED FROM SPECIFIC JOBS ? [2]

leads to the distribution of both genders in some specific... --- This sentence got a little too long and out of control. I'll show you how to use 'due to..' here like this:

Due to their different characteristics, men and women sometimes are not offered the same job opportunities.

Another way to fix the sentence is like this:
Women and men have different characteristics associated with gender, and the differences lead to a situation where one gender or the other might be excluded from specific jobs.

I see how you are using 'vary' here and it is a good idea but it is not really correct:
Hence, when jobs vary to both genders, they would gain significant benefits of their fields...
You can say: When jobs are offered to people of both genders, the professional field associated with that job is enriched.

I think your message in this essay is great; the same principle applies to diverse workplaces in general, where people of various races, beliefs, and perspectives all work together toward the same organizational goals.

: )

Undergraduate / "Every great dream begins with a dreamer" - my essay for FIT [3]

I like your idea! It's true that you can transform someone's life by helping them feel more confident and secure.

"Every great dream... " I personally think it's not good to start an essay with a quote. Everyone says these essays are supposed to 'set you apart' so it's not good to use a common strategy like that. However, I think it's GREAT if you can put the quote somewhere else in the essay. If you refer to it in the middle of a paragraph and talk about it's meaning and how it applies in your envisioned future, that is awesome.

This quote by Harriet Truman said reflects the defining --- That is just an idea I had... to replace that word. It's only my opinion. Your writing style is great already.

truth about my goal in life. I want to be a fashion designer, not just to make money off it ---This is probably too slang-ish.

, but because I believe I can make clothes that speak to the people ,and hopefully transform their lives.


To me, this is the most important part of the essay. The reader will be INTERESTED if you discuss something that pertains to them. That really is most important. Be interesting to the reader, and the reader will favor you. Some people think fashion involves something superficial, but they are totally wrong. Beautiful things are profoundly meaningful. I'd like it if each paragraph of the essay started with a "paragraph topic sentence" (google about that if you don't know what it is) that expresses something about your philosophy of fashion -- and of color, and of self-esteem, and of art.

You can use the examples and explanations about your life and dreams as ways of explaining your philosophy of fashion. The best way to improve your writing, that I can recommend, is to add a sentence to the beginning of each paragraph; make sure each paragraph starts with an interesting sentence that pertains to the main idea of the essay. Thinking about what does fashion have to do with dreams and aspirations, which you talk about in the essay.

: )

Essays / 'The principle of success by William Clement' - Personal statement [3]


Hello friend, I bet the reader will respond well to this essay because you seem so diligent and motivated. I want to offer what help I can, and I'll start by mentioning that I think the way you express your aspiration can be improved. Above, this sentence implies that your goals include being a lecturer and getting involved in R & D, but these are not really goals. These are situations you can enter in order to achieve your real goals. As a lecturer, for example, you can benefit many different people directly or indirectly. What is the most important insight/idea you have gained? It's that idea, the one closest to your heart, that enables you to make a contribution that is really unique. Your most important idea can be the main idea of the paper and the basis for your choice of career path.

And what about that quote in the beginning? Maybe that has something to do with your most important idea. Can you add some more content in this essay to share your insight about conceiving with the mind and manifesting the conception into reality?

: )

Undergraduate / Zero and One - The Most Powerful Numbers - Transfer Essay [3]


I like everything about this essay!! The first sentence, about zero and one, definitely will intrigue most readers because it gives their minds a challenge and they really engage the material. So, with all the great writing and eloquently structured sentences in the first paragraph, I had to search hard for something I didn't like. I found this sentence above that the end of that first paragraph... "But how was I to obtain my goal?" This does not really create any tension or inquisitiveness in the mind of the reader. Also, "be a software engineer" is not very specific as a goal. It is great that you figured out what you like and what you want to do, but it will be even better if you can identify some specific goal - or some specific idea you want to actualize. The way to make an essay like this extra inspirational is to think of your chosen career path not as a goal in itself but as a means to another, more meaningful end.

Attending class and earning the degree are things you do as a way of achieving one or more goals that you can only achieve by being the professional you want to become.

Your writing is already great, so I suggest working on that last sentence of the first paragraph after you think about the most important goals you might achieve as a software enginneer -- especially goals you might achieve during the next few years, while you are among other like-minded scholars.

: )

Student Talk / I'm interested in stereotypes of China; 1-minute help [2]

1.) I am from the United States.
2.) No
3.) I think we cannot really be aware of the stereotypes that skew our own perception. If I have a preconceived idea about China, or an assumption about people from China, and I know it is a stereotype, then I am aware that it is going to interfere with my clear perception. Coincidently, Chinese culture, art, and medicine are some of the subjects that interest me most. I know the Chinese culture is full of wisdom, precision, and colorful works of art.

Because the population of China is so enormous, and because the history of China is equally enormous, the diversity of Chinese culture is comparable to the diversity of human culture in general. There has been have cruelty, heroic accomplishments, terrible people, excellent people, and I simply cannot think of any generalization that exists in my mind. Maybe I could come up with a good answer if it was about some other country, but I cannot think of any stereotype I have about China.

4.) Well, I think of Chinese people as clever and disciplined. Of course this is not true of all Chinese, but I accept that it is true in general.

Graduate / The military taught to be a leader. Nursing school has given me knowledge...Personal Statement DNP [2]

I learned in a valuable... --- I think the work 'in' is left in this sentence accidentally.

My ultimate ambition is to become the furthermost effective clinician possible -- This is an example of a sentence that is weakened by its modifiers. Add verbs and adjectives can weaken the sentence. A sentence becomes weaker when more words are added without adding more meaning of the same time. Adjectives are like empty claims, but the actual facts conveyed by a sentence are the substance of the sentence. You have a stronger sentence if you're write:

My ambition is to reach my full potential as a clinician.

Still, the sentence is a little bit weak because it is not as specific as it can be, and it is not very interesting. In fact, any person in the field of healthcare can say they want to be the most effective practitioner they can be. It is much better if you say something very specific, perhaps about your specialization or area of special interest.

Now, I plan to move on to my ... a Doctorate of Nursing Practice from Palm Beach Atlantic University. --Here is one more example of a sentence that does not carry much substance. It is a sentence that this not tell the reader anything interesting or meaningful. This is the sentence that appears at the end of your first paragraph, so it should be the most interesting and meaningful sentence of the whole essay. You have a unique perspective and a unique collection of experiences and insights; the contribution you make to your professional field and to society will also be unique. You can dig deep and come up with a sentence that shares with the reader a vision of the specific contribution you are going to make.

: )

Writing Feedback / GRE: Woven baskets were passed from Palea to Lithos not the vice versa? It's doubtful. [3]

Yes, great argument! They could have been unique to that area and spread to other areas. You did such a good job with this that I think people are going to have a hard time giving you criticism and suggestions.

I know a way of improving papers like this, and it is pretty simple: use Google to find a list of logical fallacies. If you are taking a class the requires you to criticize something like this based on critical thinking, then you probably have already seen the list of logical fallacies. It is so cool! You can commit some of the logical fallacies to memory and you will think of them whenever you see a crappy argument.

The important thing here is that if you want to improve your paper you can add a few more strong points by looking at the list of logical fallacies now that you are very familiar with the thing you are writing about here, these baskets, and you'll recognize logical fallacies that apply here. By referring to the list, it is easy to make more good points.

I don't know what else to say; already did a great job!

Undergraduate / 'the wind was always at my back' - Explain Hardships Faced/ impact to a student/ overcame adversity [3]

The first sentence is a sentence fragment. It is cool, because the fact that you use a sentence fragment helps to express your expectation that people might give only a bit of their attention before coming to a conclusion that you are slacker. I like that, and I think it is good writing and good use of poetic license - including a sentence fragment in order to express an idea like this. However, it just really is not good to begin your admission essay with a sentence fragment. :-) People will judge you for it.

You can say: This is not the best grade point...

I bet you can find a way to express the fact that Crohn's disease has affected you in a detrimental way without making it seem like you are using it as an excuse for a low grade point average. Just don't come right out and say it. In fact, I think you will be great if you can revise that first paragraph so that the main idea of the first paragraph is an idea about the improvements you have been making and the strong drive you are experiencing, motivating you toward achieving your goals.

You can talk about Crohn's disease in the second or third paragraph, and you can talk about it as a source of motivation and insight. Just don't talk about it as though it is an excuse for a low grade point average.

I like your writing style, and I think the reader will like it too. The best thing you can do here is to focus on your goals and especially on the achievements you want to make by entering the degree program you choose. You can keep all the same ideas, but use a little bit less focus on giving explanations for mediocre grades and give more focus to your goals for the future and on the fact that you are to the process of picking yourself up and overcoming adversity because of how important it is to you that you make a big splash in your professional field.

Undergraduate / I'm so ready to look and reach further to get what I desire for so long - University of Washington [4]

I want to be hard-working as my mom as well as a go-getter like my dad. ---- This is a great sentence! I like everything about your first paragraph. It doesn't matter that English is not your first language; you write in a way that causes an emotional reaction in the reader and catches the reader's interest.

I know my parents are the ones who have been shaping my personalities and made me who I am today. ---- I don't think this is the sentence that should belong at the end of the first paragraph. It is nice that it expresses humility and gratitude, respect and a clear perspective - but it is too simplistic to be the sentence that you put at the end of your first paragraph. I'd like it if you replace the sentence with one that plants and idea and the mind of the reader. This should be the concept or idea that the reader takes away and remembers after finishing the essay.

Do not say: I am so pleasured to be...
Say: I am so pleased to be...

Here is a place in the essay where you can get rid of some words that are not helpful:
With what happened to me and what I have done so far, I'm so ready...

It will be great if you focus more on your specific goals, describing to the reader the contributions you hope to make to society and to your professional field. See if you can find sentences that do not help to express the main idea of the essay, and kill those sentences!

When you read the essay again, in my give you insight into what is most important to you. When that happens you will have the energy of inspiration, and you can use it to write the great sentence that should be added to the end of the first paragraph.

Essays / can you describe the hallway and the stairs of a mansion in great detail its for a book [2]

Hi, what is this about? Do you have an assignment for a writing class that requires you to describe something like this? You can start by using Google images and searching for something like: mansion staircase

If you ask other members of the form to describe it for you, it is as though you are trying to get other people to do your writing for you so you can use their work instead of doing your own. That defeats the purpose of our writing class and all forum like this, and it is against the rules, so it's important for you to take a stab at it yourself before asking other people for input.

Start with some words: stillness, faraway ceiling, bannister, dizzy, slowly ascending, following...

Choose some words that inspire thoughts about what is happening. Muster up an idea to use as your raw material, and you'll think of things to write. You have to have some scenario in your mind, something that catches your own interest, and that way you'll be able to think of an idea that catches the interest of your reader.

It's okay if you write so sentences that you think about very good. Write some sentences, and they will provide ideas for other people will provide ideas for you in return.

Undergraduate / Supporting statement for exchange semester in Australian university, game technologies [3]


This is a cliché, so it adds a little bit of boring us to the essay. It's better to come up with a different way to express the same idea!


Here's another one. This sort of sentence appears to often in the hundreds of essays these people have to read.

The reader is not likely to share your passion for gaming and creating video games. To the admission office reader, this is likely to seem like the goal of the gamer who would rather spend time on video games than on college work. Many people like videogames decide that they would like to learn how to design games, but ironically this can be a mistake because designing games can be tedious and playing games is the opposite of tedious usually.It's a question of whether we choose careers that will have us doing the things we really will enjoy doing every day. I actually agree with your idea about how meaningful it is to create a game that a lot of people will enjoy. I like to think of myself as a writer, so to me as a serious thing we are able to create an experience for other people. However, I just think that it might be good to add another element to this instead of emphasizing the idea that it would be great to create video games.

The part where you explain why you would like to study abroad is not very convincing. Here's my challenge for you:

List at least five goals you would like to achieve in the next one or two years. Make sure they are goals that can be achieved while studying abroad. Then, spend a few minutes doing Internet research about the place where you will live and go to school in Australia, and during your research you will come up with great ideas about how to achieve some of your most important goals while you are there. The purpose of this challenge is to see if you can add some more substance to the essay. Show the reader that you have several serious goals and that you are ready to make a big impact on the people who can benefit from your ambition and inspiration!

Undergraduate / A mix between a "central identity" story and "challenging an idea" - Common Application Essay [3]


This part seems a little bit self-aggrandizing. But it's so hard to avoid that in essays like this! Interviewing for a job, applying for college, going on a date, these situations where we are supposed to be trying to make a good impression I situations where it is so hard to balance modesty with persuasiveness.

After reading the first paragraph, I think it is one of those first paragraph that can be removed entirely. Sometimes it's difficult to just get rid of an entire paragraph that you, but really this is how to prune the bonsai tree like Mr. Miagi. Trim away the excess. That first paragraph is making an unsubstantiated claim, and Newsweek. I bet when I get to the second paragraph it will actually show the reader the truth that was claimed in the first paragraph, and that will make the first paragraph and unnecessary obstacle for their mind to pass. I say kill the first paragraph. :-)


This is so much more interesting as the start of an essay. In fact, it might even be personally interesting to the reader. So, this reinforces my idea the first paragraph should be deleted.

Your discussion about how Ryan lead you to consider Ron Paul and libertarianism is very impressive! I think you might enjoy reading Emerson and a Thoreau if you have not already, because their work helps people to see how American democracy really is supposed to be the way you described: maximizing freedom while preventing people from interfering with anybody else's freedom.

You might sound wiser if you talk about viewpoints with which you agree or disagree rather than talking about, "I am a liberal" or "I am a libertarian"... It is the tendency to reach out for an identity to construct for oneself that makes us sometimes seem naïve. Also, it's that same tendency that so often causes politicians to become unable to uphold the values that you are talking about here!

I think this might be the most important suggestion: Instead of telling the reader about the conclusions at which you have arrived, emphasized the questions you are asking. There is good reason for that notion you mentioned about political topics being off-limits. It's great to talk about them as long as you take this approach that you have taken, which is to emphasize the idea of constantly questioning and seeking truth. You can deemphasize the parts where you talk about conclusions you have reached, and perhaps replace them with examples of some of the goals you would like to achieve in order to act on your values.

Scholarship / "Korean language" - why I want to take a part in KGSP program? [3]


This part above is not interesting enough to be at the start of your essay. I think they will know your name and age from looking at other information you provide in your application. I think they do not need to know that you would like to explain why you want to take part, because you are going to explain anyway. The key to strong writing is to avoid using more words and sentences than necessary. For that reason, I think it's best to get rid of this part above.

You have the word paste in this essay, but it should say paced.

In addition it is a possibility an opportunity to share with knowledge with other students.

My family members are five; we live together. My father is a businessman , and my mother is pharmacist. works in the pharmacy , and
My older sister is a nurse, and now she lives and works in Russia with her husband. My little sister is a high school student.

: ) Good luck in your studies! Keep working hard to improve your written English.

Poetry / EVE OF MY SPOUSE'S DEATH [3]

I'm not sure if I understand this poem correctly. I enjoyed the puzzle of it, though. I had to search Google to find out what a dragee was. : )

I like the way you rhymed at the end, but I also hate the word spouse. It is an ugly word referring to a beautiful thing. I have a spouse, but I would call her anything else before calling her that. Sounds like 'louse.' Sounds like something that grows on old bread. Louse spouse spores.

Is this full of dark humour, something about increasing the sugar intake of a diabetic person? I don't know.. I like this poem regardless of what it means.

Undergraduate / Raised in a typical American family of four children and divorced parents - cultural backgrounds [3]

There is something blasphemous about a teenager expressing an opinion about an important issue, like affirmative action. : )

And I guess one of the first things I noticed about the essay is that you presume to know what a typical teenager is like and that you are different from them. This is the sort of sentence that might be better left untyped. You can let the reader figure out that sort of thing on their own; so, you mention that you are in favor of one thing and opposed to another, and it shows them that you give consideration to social issues. That way, if the reader is a person who thinks typical teenagers do not give consideration to social issues, she will come to the conclusion on her own and know that you are not a typical teenager.

Here is something important to keep in mind: the American family you call typical... Actually is characterized by an enormous amount of distinct cultural characteristics.

Another important point to keep in mind: the answer to this essay prompt does not need to involve being from some culture from another country, or having parents who immigrated, etc. You can contribute to their diverse community by having an open mind and a curious disposition.

Graduate / Pursuing Master of Public health is the ultimate pathway towards reaching my goals - SOP [4]

My grandpa was a chain smoker, and I had been suggesting to him that he should walk on a regular basis. So, I was extremely impatiently explaining to him the harmful effects of active smoking.----------I made a lot of changes to this sentence that I think improve the English. There were a few grammar errors, and I also made a change to improve the style ('impatiently').

The last sentence of your first paragraph should be like the bull's-eye in the center of a target. The sentence at the end of the first paragraph is the local points for the entire essay. It tells the reader the main idea. The rest of the essay supports this single, important idea. So, I suggest reflecting on the meaning of this essay and digging up the most important idea. Express that idea and beautiful sentence, and paste the sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

It's also a good idea to go through the essay and trim away as much content as you can. Trim away any words that do not help accomplish the goal of the essay.

This has drawn my interest grow toward the field of public health, and I especially focus...
In the near future, I anticipate devoting my work to coordinating, planning, implementing, upgrading and ...

Your intentions for being a benefit to your society you are bold and admirable. :-)