Undergraduate / I qualified for the DECA International Career Development Conference in Atlanta - transition essay [3]

Hello, I can help you with any needed changes. I was really immersed in reading the opening paragraph. However, I will try to give constructive feedback.

The first paragraph, you could change one sentence. Begin this sentence with, "At only fifteen years old,..." Then you discuss a battle of analysis and confidence in this sentence. I think you should explain it better. It builds the reader's anticipation but you could be more specific. Ex: "fight the battle of analysis and confidently assess numbers" This may not accurately describe what you did during the competition, but it tells the reader that an analysis and numbers were involved. This type of description is missing.

The second paragraph, when you describe your fears you should state: "seize control of them" Change this sentence: "The idea that I was on my way to becoming independent, was a reality that I wanted to savor." The next sentence, change it to: I developed a sense of responsibility of how the ability to balance my time for the demanding competition, basic necessities, and communicate with peers. , and sleep. I think competition and communication make the sentence easier to understand. You could be more specific by explaining what the competition was. Was it academic competition?

The third paragraph, use italics when you name the books. Ex: One up on Wall Street and Beating the Street. When you discuss what you learned about finance, you could use "such as helping a middle class family" rather than whether it be helping a middle class family.

The last paragraph, I am going to suggest some slight changes: "As I reflect on that time during my high school career, I think that many may child at some point, has to leave have left the things they know and ventured out into the unknown." Change these sentences to: "After this event, I was able to focus on my passion. I started..." The last sentence change become to becoming.

Scholarship / How scholarship would help me, debt-free - Essay 2 [4]

Hello, I would like to help you with your essay. There was a very thoughtful expression at the end of the essay and the meaning of the essay is clear. However, there are errors that need to be corrected to help you improve your essay.

First, there are sentences that contain too much information. If there are more simple sentences, this will help improve your essay.

Ex: "Education has an impact on my life. This scholarship would help me obtain a better life and I would worry less about money for college." Student aide should be in all lowercase letters. I'm unsure why you were terminated from your job. Personally, I would state that I lost my job, especially if you weren't fired. You want to express that a loss of income prevents you from paying your tuition.

Place a period after son. Start a new sentence: "Yet, all the positions were filled." I'm not sure what a GNA is, I can only assume that she is a health professional because of the NA. I would avoid the abbreviation and just state her profession if she permits you to and it helps you obtain a scholarship.

Change part of the sentence to: "...she needs to pay the rent and utility bills." I am going to make a suggestion to make this sentence better: "Receiving this scholarship would help me tremendously, because it would give me a chance to stay away from help me avoid debt and focus on my education." I thought the word tremendously shows you really need it from the way you describe your situation in the essay. If you use responsibilities it is too vague, but using the word education shows that this scholarship will be for your educational needs.

Writing Feedback / "Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed?"SAT Essay CB Study-Guide 2004-2005 [2]

I will focus only on one part of your essay and give you some feedback. I will look at the intro, thesis, and conclusion.

First, this is a good topic. The beginning and thesis needs some work. I think the introduction could be better. For example, the first sentence: At birth, a child enters into the world of modern day society where it is harsh and competitive. As a child progresses through life into adulthood, his or her success..." Thesis: "That's why clearly,being one must be highly competitive, persistent and hard working, because it is the necessary ingredient for success in life."

There are 3 reasons why I changed these sentences:
1) You begin your essay discussing the early stages of life.
2) The following sentences needed to continue building past the early stages of life.
3) The thesis needed to coincide with the other two sentences and lead to the body of your essay.

Conclusion: I read the body of the essay and the conclusion. I think the body of the essay could have discussed two well-known persons to continue with the similarities of being highly competitive in order to succeed. There are some people who were highly competitive throughout their life. This would have helped you to write a better conclusion. Some mistakes that could be corrected is beginning your conclusion with, "In summary" and deleting "human maze". The last sentence needs some corrections: "No one could perform or find a ground-breaking theory or crafting craft a revolutionary technological device without consecrating challenging the mind in order to succeedin life completion.

Undergraduate / Low self esteem and insecurity - 'obstacles in your life' essay [3]

Hello, I can help you with your essay. As I was reading it, I thought you had a good opening paragraph. I will try to help you make any improvements.

Here is a suggestion for your question: "How can anyone function normally when an internal struggle exists?" The next two sentences may need to be joined together better. Ex: "For example, low self esteem and insecurity are common among many children growing up, and its effects are constantly underrated."

I am going to suggest changing the word choice. Change personas to personalities. Also, change a sense to feeling. The next sentence change supporting to supportive. Instead of using phase, you could use end.

The 2nd paragraph, I would begin the sentence with: "When I began middle school, the most trivial..." Delete began being and change it to was. Remember to capitalize "I".

The 3rd paragraph change the first sentence: "It wasn't until I entered high school that I decided I needed to work on myself, not for anyone else but solely for my own happiness." Do you mean your practice involved greeting a cashier because you may have little to no social interaction while paying? Change got easier to "became easier". Towards the end of this paragraph, you should delete this portion of your sentence: "I shocked myself with how capable I was all long to communicate with others without being terrified of my mistakes how i would mess it up ." The last sentence remember to capitalize "I".

This was a very heartfelt essay. There were some minor errors but the meaning was very clear.

Research Papers / Staying Analog in a Digital World (Eng102 Research Paper) [4]

Hello, I would like to give you some suggestions to improve your research paper. I will focus on meaning.

1st paragraph:
Since the eighties when the internet first started its rise-I think this part of the sentence needs a revision. Here is a suggestion:
"Since the internet's inception in the nineteen eighties, the concept of..."

For personal use or business communication, these tools have started to revolutionize the way we speak with one another on a daily basis.-I suggest changing the word order: "These tools have started to revolutionize the way we speak with one another on a daily basis in business communication and for personal use."

2nd paragraph:
on the net-This should not have a shortened form of the word. Change it to: "on the internet".

I think these sentences need some corrections. Here are my suggestions: "My recollection of most early sites shows that they were basic. "For example, Myspace, offering mainly a way allowed users to customize their profile and connect with musicians and artists as well as eventually openingand up for the and had more user friendly functions."

You can use a better transition word and less words. Here is a suggestion: From there Furthermore, I watched as Facebook usage actually became something that I didn't know what it was, increased to the massive popular site that it is today.

I am going to help you with some more of your paragraphs later. I hope this helps you!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : MAP, West park secondary school construction [2]

Hello, I can help you with any needed changes to your essay.

1st paragraph: The school's name should be capitalized: West Park. I would change "What stands out" . Here is a suggestion: "A significant change that occurred is shown on the maps when the farmland in 1950 was redesigned to be a car park in 2010." The language is more specific and the reader can observe that this was a change. Here is another suggestion to start your last sentence: "Also, it can be...."

I would also like to mention that it is a possibility that the houses on this map didn't deteriorate. There could have been a reconstruction project and part of that project could have been a car park and science block that was built in the 1980's.

2nd paragraph: I would use a transition word to begin the next paragraph. Ex: "Furthermore, there was a dramatic change in farmland location on ..." I would simplify the next sentence. It would be simple just to name the locations that are in its place. Ex: "The building was altered to be place for performing regular exercise make a sports field in 1980. , and Then in 2010, a parking area for cars was built in 2010toreshape to replace the sport field."

The word order and next transition word should be "Standing In contrast, from 1950 to 2010 the playground and school, which are located in West Park, remained unchanged."

3rd paragraph: I'm unsure about the first sentence. Also, the car park actually expanded. I think you should change deteriorate to show that there was an expansion of the car park in 2010. Change this sentence: "However, in 1980 to 2010was constructed the a science block was constructed placed in next to the school building." Delete the next sentence. The last sentence place "a" before sport.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the process of water cycle. IELTS Task 1 [4]

Hello, I will provide you with feedback to help you improve.

It seems as if this is describing water filtration from the diagram that is presented.

The next paragraph delete:.. "having been used" The next sentence

The 3rd paragraph change some of the first sentence:" when the rain falls indicates that rainwater..." Change for "gardening purposes ". The end of the next sentence should be: "stream and through a drain."

Delete following that and replace with "Furthermore."" Change this sentence to: "...before being distributed to homes,..."

The rest of the essay is good.

Undergraduate / 'Keep running' - A common application essay 100 words critique [3]

Hello, I can help you with your essay.

First, you should write the essay as you would normally write any essay. You should avoid using parenthesis or any other symbols around your paragraphs. The next sentence there is a slight correction that needs to be made: "I originally joined the cross country team..."Also, you should avoid capitalizing "high" and "sophomore".

The beginning of the next sentence state: "Now that I'm in my third year of cross country, life without it seems like a notion that I have left behind. The next sentence is confusing? Would you like to state that: "When I do remember the past, I am tempted to reflect upon unpleasant days." You can end the last sentence with: "...ensures that I remain steadfast."

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Should we weigh opinions equally or put more weight on informed opinions? [3]

Hello, I will try to help you with meaning.

When I started reading your essay, I noticed that you used the word "scientifically". However, you begin to discuss religion but you don't discuss how science and the Bible connect. When you discuss values you are really making reference to Bible principles. That is the reason why scientifically is too specific for this essay. Here is a suggestion for your thesis: "By putting weight on opinions that are not well-substantiated, we put ourselves at risk both physically and spiritually."

When you discuss weight and fad diets you are discussing the risk of opinions about physical health. However, when you discuss religion you discuss it as a guide.

The difficulty that I read with the second paragraph is that there are two topics: 1) misinformed opinions about religion 2) debates about christian values. You could elaborate on one of these or separate the ideas into two paragraphs.

The slight correction I see is in the second paragraph, where you should have stated: "Many people form opinions..."

Key tips for an introduction: Some people use quotes or are more vague in the introduction. You begin the introduction with many facts that could be in the body of the essay. For example, if my topic was about our ability to hear, I could first begin the essay with facts about our hearing. "The ear is a fascinating structure. Did you know that the stapes is the smallest bone in our body and is located in the ear? Yet, it helps with our hearing. What happens if this structure or any other part of our ear is damaged? It is important to know how the ear functions in order to understand how damage to it can have adverse effects on our hearing."

I didn't use a source for this information, I just used prior knowledge. In the introduction you can see that I am introducing a topic with little facts. The last sentence will help the reader to understand that I will be discussing the topic in more detail in the body of my essay.

In the conclusion, I would have to discuss important parts of the functions of the ear and the damage it can cause because that is my thesis. I could add a sentence at the end of my conclusion that states: "Therefore, this information has proven how important it is to know how our ear functions so that we can care for them properly and prevent any damage from occurring to them."

I hope this example helps you! With some practice, you can organize your paper and determine if your intro, thesis, and conclusion are understandable!

Undergraduate / Stanford short ECA Essay: Musical Passion [3]

Hello, this is an interesting topic. I would like to give you some feedback.

In the first paragraph, you start the opening of your paragraph really well. However, there is a misspelling in this sentence: "There are no boundaries."

When you attempt to write the second paragraph, you have a sentence that is separated from each paragraph. This sentence should start the second paragraph. Change this sentence to: "Playing a guitar allowed me into a community where the only thing that mattered was harmony, and the ability to harmonize. " This is an excellent sentence and the one word that was missing makes it more complete!

The third paragraph opens with a comma that is not needed. Delete the comma after guitarist. Do you mean catch on or able to follow his lead harmoniously? The next sentence is a little confusing. Here is a suggestion: "I have a rhythm in my head and it not only works, it works with with what he's playing." The next sentence I am going to suggest stating: "As we transition, now I'm playing chords and he's playing the rhythm."

Writing Feedback / "Do people benefit from from reality shows, or are harmful?" SAT March 2011 [3]

Hello, I can help you again.

There are some minor errors. If you want to use the plural form, continue to use it throughout the sentence. For example, the first sentence there needs to be -s added to the end of producer. Also, "Low culture" should be in all lowercase letters since you use it at the end of the sentence. Another slight error is adding -s to the end of generate. It should read: "generate stereotypes".

The 2nd paragraph you could end the first sentence with "...party together along the New Jersey shore. Change to: "popular shows". The next sentence change attack to attacks and "attract the masses". I was a little confused by the last sentence. A few more words could make it a better sentence: "...should question to what extent should America could preserve its cultural harmony, while such reality shows are aired on national TV."

The 3rd paragraph change charge to "trying". This sentence could be changed: "They make youths envision success, fame and glory as easily attainable skills." The next sentence change stars of pop to "pop stars". Change this sentence to: "In a word, our reality shows portray an easy road to success..." Overnight is just one word.

The last paragraph: "...target masses of viewers to desire of easy stardom and glory with little or no reference to what life is really about. Furthermore, ..."

This was really good, in terms of writing. Your essay is a really high 11, but this is just my opinion. Keep writing to practice for the test!

Writing Feedback / Bar Chart which provide an usage of railway among different countries [3]

Hello, I can only help you with grammar because there is no image of the chart. If there is anything that is confusing, I can only state this and you can look at the chart and make the corrections.

The first paragraph you use railway. Do you mean railway system? There is a missing word in the first sentence:"...number of tons of cargo that was carried." The last sentence you could begin with, "Generally, although those in the USA travel the least..." You should avoid using the country to describe travel. The USA can't travel, but people in the USA can travel.

The next sentence, I would rearrange the order of the sentence: "It is worth noting that only 0.3% or only a few Americans use the railway system, and..." Change this sentence: "However, the USA strongly focused on carrying cargo, which was nearly 2,900 billion tons." When you discuss Japan, you could state "rail transport" and delete far.

The next paragraph place "the" before UK. Place a percent sign after 5. Also, you could state "rail transport". The last sentence there are missing words: "...cargo that the UK and Italy..."

I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / Think about the person you admire. What qualities does that person have that are admirable? [4]

Hello, I can help to assist you further. I want to give you a few more suggestions that will help you with your essay.

My father works hardday by daydaily without any complaints about the tiredness he feels on his job.complaining about the tiredness that he has to refer in his job, he worked hard in silence .

I think you should change your tense. Here is a suggestion:

"Moreover, my father is a brave man, he does not seem afraid of anything."

I am going to make a suggestion for the first part of this sentence without changing your ideas:

"The only thing which he is afraid of is, trying to earn he afraid of is how to earn more money to support the family because..."

The next sentence change betray to "meet". The following sentence, change admired to "admire".

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The population of fishers and exported fish in the world [4]

Hello, this is an excellent first paragraph that was written. The remainder portion of the essay I will focus on errors in your writing.

There is one slight error in the 2nd paragraph. Change were to "was" when you discuss South America and Africa. The next sentence needs some words deleted, "...the highest rise and dominated half of the world fish market in 2000."

Millions should be changed to "million" in this essay. When you discuss Africa and its position, change the beginning of the sentence to: "At just under 1.3 million, Africa came in second with the most population of fish catchers." Instead of using in the question period to describe North America, you could state "during that period". The last sentence in the paragraph, change from to "of ".

The last paragraph place a comma before respectively.

Letters / Formal Letter to a Lawyer - some health issues should be discussed [3]

Hello, I would like to give you some assistance.

First, I feel there are some missing words. The opening sentence should read: "Please allow me to apologize for not communicating with you sooner. I would start a new sentence with:" "This has been my first opportunity to explain my circumstances, pending my release..." I would change the end of the paragraph to "...manner that is appropriate..."

The next paragraph, there is too much information contained in one sentence. You can easily simplify these sentences. "Regrettably, XXXXX requires an annual special authorization form that has to be filled out by my doctor and it can take a few days for it to completely process. Thus, my..."

When you went to you doctor's office you state re-prescription. I think you should state "refill of my prescription medications". I would avoid some abbreviations. When you use GP, you should either describe her as a physician or general practitioner. Also, don't disclose her name in the essay.

The next paragraph, place a comma after "However" and place a period after worried. Start a new sentence with: "One of my peers..."

These are just a few grammar changes.

Writing Feedback / Choose a job basing on salary or other factors needs to be considered? [3]

Hello, I can help you with you essay.

First, the last sentence in the first paragraph needs a slight correction. Change the end of the sentence to:" because of the cost of living and supporting a family."

The 2nd paragraph: "Money is necessary to meet our basic needs." Change your to our. Delete the 3rd sentence. The next sentence change besides to "Also". Delete "go out for". You can simply state"... you can travel, which will broaden..." I'm unsure about the next sentence. Do you mean that traveling helps people rest and that helps them be more productive? Could you also state that traveling exposes others to language or ideas that make people communicate better and expand business matters internationally.

Making more money at work should be explained. Here is a correction to the last sentence: "You will help your family have better living conditions". Remember to begin sentences with a capital letter.

Place "a" before high salary. Place a period after you. Begin the next sentence with "It's easy for you to connect with your family with modern technology. The next sentence should begin with Today and it's should be all lowercase letters. Change the last part of the sentence to :"it's also not difficult for you to travel long distance in a short amount of time"

The last sentence: "I believe a salary is the most influential factor and should be the first choice."

Writing Feedback / Write a story about two children who leave their old home and start a new life in a new one. [3]

I can provide you with some feedback. I'm not sure why you were given that score. Sometimes if your essay is organized and you have done good research, this could contribute to a higher score.

First, used the first set of numbers in a sentence. Ex: "Adam Forster remembered his numbers, 3939, so deeply..." Then start a new sentence: " He knew his life changed..." Also, you have to read the essay to grasp the meaning of those numbers. The reader can make an inference or guess but it is never fully explained.

If you are using sources, I would suggest giving credit to the sources in your essay if you are required to do so. For example, I would write: September 3,1939. If this was quoted, you could simply use quotation marks to indicate this came from a source. The reader can acknowledge that these are not your words. This could have an impact on your score.

In the 2nd paragraph, you could have written: "the worse was yet to come or the worst trials were ahead"

There are many errors in spacing. This can be easily fixed. Ex: However, (Press the space bar after the comma not before the comma).
Follow the same format for punctuation.

There are some incomplete sentences. "Wishing good luck." No one is identified. " Waiting for a foster parent to adopt them" This sentence should have been joined with the previous sentence" Ex: "...Liverpool train station for a foster parent to adopt them." Part of the first and second sentence are combined to convey meaning. "Everything was" What happens?

Those are some mistakes with your essay that needed improvement.

Writing Feedback / The Importance of Random Acts of Kindness [5]

Hello, I can help you with any changes that need to be made to your essay. First, I think you need to have paragraphs. I will try to help you divide your essay into paragraphs too.

-In the first paragraph, you have a good description. However, in the first sentence, you are only writing about yourself. Change their to "my" in this sentence. I think you can make two sentences rather than one sentence. Place a period after scratch. Then make a new sentence that will read: "However, since I was unaware not knowing that lemonade requires more than just lemons and water, the lemonade was appalling." Home-made is actually homemade. Another sentence in this paragraph needs some of the words rearranged: "...but that didn't stop him from having a warm smile and offering ten dollars, which was a fortune to a five year old." Also, I'm unsure if you were trying to state "soaking into the sun" in this sentence. In the next sentence, place a comma after away.

-The second paragraph should begin with: "These acts go far unnoticed these days..." Make this slight correction to part of this sentence: "That doesn't stop me from trying to display kindness hand them out ..." Change this sentence: I personally love giving random acts out due doing random acts of kindness, due to the smile it brings to others. Change person to person's.

-The third paragraph should begin with : "Unfortunately, there are people..." Change hold open to "held open". Change part of the next sentence: "People nowadays Today people have lost sight of..."

-The fourth paragraph you could make a smoother transition by stating: "That is why I want to be able to spread the idea of these random acts to the rest of the world." Good job with this last paragraph!

Writing Feedback / Schools can help change obesity rates in schools through education. [3]

I can help you with some of your essay. When you have more than one idea or create a list, commas must be used. You describe what needs to be done so make this correction:"... decreasing obesity rates, utilizing education, and overhauling the breakfast and lunch programs." I think this sentence needs to be better constructed: "We live in a fast paced world where fast food has hindered our youths from attempting to live healthier lives." Delete a close first to and change it to: ..."which is slightly lower than the 15 percent increase..." '

In the body of your essay, place a comma after utilized. The next sentence place a comma after endurance. The third sentence add "the" before obesity. The next sentence delete rearing a and place a semicolon before however and a comma after however. You need a semicolon because you need to join those sentences together. Another sentence you should follow the same correction when you discuss the farm to schools program. Place a semicolon after "Thus" and a comma after thus. It would read:...program; thus, encompassing grades form Pre-K to high schools in all schools both charter, private, and public alike." Change the last part of this sentence to "holes and missed connections." However, if implemented properly has a really good framework..."

This is only a few paragraphs. I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / My reflection on My Brilliant Life; the supplement essay for Boston College [3]

I can help you with you writing. When I looked at the first word, I noticed a misspelling. The first word should be "Piecing".

The second paragraph you place surprise in the past tense. Change surprised to "surprise". You don't need hyphens, but you could use commas: "...the boy, the protagonist,...". You should state "...preconception of the movie was answered". Delete "full well".

In the third paragraph, this sentence needs to be corrected: "Every time he overcame a problem, I had to pause and ask myself how I would have responded in a similar situation." There needs to be a change in word order: "Now I understand how every moment in life..." Change the last sentence to, "If I ever look back at my own life, I will nod to myself with a smile on my face knowing that what I did in my life was right..."

There are just a few more revisions that can be made to your essay. Good summary!

Writing Feedback / 'high quality academic programs' - What is the reason of studying in the boarding school? IELTS [3]

Hello, I would like to help you with your essay. I will focus on word choice and help you correct any minor errors.

1st paragraph: In the first sentence, change the word increase to rise. Expansive is a word used to describe area. You should replace expansive with expensive because this refers to money. I think you can add some words to end your last sentence, "...small classroom size, and special attention to each individual".

2nd paragraph: The first sentence change the boarding to "a boarding". Also, add "the" before modern. The second sentence change into to "to". The next sentence you should change relaxing to "recreation". Start a new sentence with these revisions, "For example, boarding schools have a variety of sports equipment, well-stocked libraries...and galleries".Favourite is spelled favorite.

The last two sentences have slight revisions: "Annually, they sometimes held some have plays, dancing or singing performances to help students interact well with other people of different ages. These activities..."

3rd paragraph: Since the topic is continuing, you should begin this paragraph with: "A boarding school is also a very good environment..." The next sentence could be changed slightly, "...a university so that they focus on studying seriously." The needs to be rearranged in the next sentence: "...with others to achieve the highest scores." Change going to being and opportunities to opportunity.

"Hence, they know exactly the valuable value of family and the independent life independence that is very crucial for them in when they become an adult."

4th paragraph: Delete "in" after popular. The second sentence is confusing. Do you mean it creates unique opportunities and provides quality education?

Writing Feedback / Do you think a professional stager's job is interesting? Could you do it? Why or why not. [3]

I can help you with any improvements to this paragraph.

The first sentence is very good because it builds up the reader's anticipation regarding what you will say next. The third sentence is vague. There are multiple meanings of stagger so it would be beneficial to describe this with a comparison.

For example, if I were to write a paper about SAG without describing it, some maybe confused because it is just an acronym. However, if I state that it means Screen Actor's Guild then the reader knows this involves actors or actresses. This is what you should do in this paragraph. You state the characteristics needed for the job, but don't describe what the job entails or the job duties.

Ex: "First, I am an organized person, which is a quality that is necessary to construct housing plans like a professional stager." This sentence would tell the reader that a professional stager constructs plans for houses and since you are organized, you would be a good fit for the job. This is what is lacking in your sentences.

There are only minor mistakes in your writing. Character should be characteristic throughout the paragraph. The fourth sentence should read:"... characteristic to become a professional stagger." The last sentence delete to try and replace with trying.

Writing Feedback / Being great and risk means more chance for a success; GRE [4]

I can give you some feedback on you essay.

First, there was a slight error in the first paragraph because two sentences are joined together. Ex: "There is no set definition about what success is." I think this idea should be separated to form another sentence.

In the second paragraph, the second sentence is a run-on sentence. This is a minor error. Place a comma after planning and "of" after fear in that sentence. Also, change overpassed to overlooked. Wall street can be in all lowercase letters.

The third paragraph you should state, "...we think these are successful men." You can end the next sentence with achieve. "Make of their selves" is very similar to achieve. Here is a suggestion regarding how you could revise the question: "If they carefully planned everything out, could bankruptcy been avoided?" I would delete coming around the corner. Place a comma after took and replace overpassed with overlooked.

The next paragraph you use altercations but you should use the word "complications" instead.

The last paragraph, you could use a different transition such as "In summary" or "In conclusion". When you write the summary, it should summarize the main ideas in the essay. However, the last example fits in the body of the essay and not the summary.

I didn't correct everything. I wanted to help you improve your writing. It can be difficult to write in 30 minutes. Try to practice using transitions at the beginning of paragraphs. The third paragraph you could have started with the words "For example" and the fourth paragraph "However".

Writing Feedback / IGCSE - Descriptive writing essay on narrowly escaping a storm. Any help would be marvellous. [4]

I agree that you are very descriptive in your writing. I will read it and look for any errors.

1st paragraph: When you describe trees, I think you should delete the word terrified to describe what occurs to them. I think what could improve your grade is making a transition between what occurs that is related to the weather and your connection to it. The third sentence, you abruptly are tackling the elements. In the beginning, you have to take the reader on the journey or obstacle you experience.

For example, you could simply add words to your essay in the first sentence, "...blanketed the night sky as I walked home,..." Make this correction to the last sentence in the paragraph: "I struggled to keep my feet steady as I pressed forward against the torrential winds, which lashed out at my exposed skin ...."

3rd paragraph: Instead of stating ready to pour at any moment, I think you should state: "... ready to begin at any moment." I would delete the word blistered.

4th paragraph: It seems as if you are describing "droplets of hail" or heavy droplets of rain. I would change the description and avoid using ice cold water. When you discuss the murky water change scuff into to "encounter it".

5th paragraph: Put "at" after out. You could end with, "a safe passageway to escape".

Research Papers / Global Warming Is A Problem, but it can be stopped - research paper. [4]

Hello, I can help you with any changes needed to your last two paragraphs of your essay.

3rd paragraph: "Throughout planet earth, insects and disease has always been a problem." Everyday is one word. Also, when you use thousands of people, this is plural so you have to change the verb from is to "are". Here is how the sentence would read: "Everyday thousands of people are diagnosed with some sort of infectious disease."

In your source from the NRDC, did it use elders or elderly? Revise this sentence: "Air pollution is another problem that leans more towards can cause respiratory illnesses." Place a comma after America. There needs to be a better transition in this sentence: "Another issue involves insects, such as mosquitoes, which can be very dangerous and disease filled." What happens to people who encounter these mosquitoes? You should help the reader to understand that mosquitoes can transmit diseases to humans.

4th paragraph Place a comma in this sentence: "The more flooding there is,..." Remember to place a comma after a year that is stated. I think you should begin this sentence differently, "In that year, 403,000 people..." Heave should be heavy. The next sentence delete "up" when you discuss the rise in temperature. Place a period after salmonella and (Global Climate Change).

I think you should start a fifth paragraph.

5th Paragraph: You should use a transition word. "In conclusion, global warming is a serious problem."

Change the word order: "Things need to be changed across the world in order to help people stay safe and live a healthy life."

I think part of next sentence needs to be revised:"...when doing the daily things people do in our daily lives."

Change part of this sentence: "And lastly, the food and water supply can get infected and can and has caused deaths".

Writing Feedback / How Does Foods that Have Gluten in Them Affects the Human Body [3]

I can help you with some of your essay. When you begin your essay, I think you should give the reader more information.

1st paragraph: "Today, there are just so many people in this world that have developed some conditions that their doctors just couldn't give them an explanation understand.

"Sometimes when our bodies speak to us by react a certain way after using or we eat something, there is just no way to put things together by making a connection identify the cause."

"Well, that is because people feel like when they go to the doctor, and he/she he or she is supposed to know everything that has been going on with your has occurred with the body since the last visit.

These are a few sentences that needed correction. The next correction I would like to focus on is how you discuss the information that will be presented. After you discuss how doctors may be unaware of what is happening to their patients after the last visit, you should give an example and discuss how those who suffer from a sensitivity or intolerance to gluten should be open with their physician. Ex: For example, those with an intolerance to gluten should be open with their physician about their symptoms. This is just an example to lead you into your discussion.

If you begin discussing gluten very early in your discussion, you can delete this: In this paper I'm going to give you some important information about how . You should be able to discuss that it is important to get help from your physician. Then you can discuss that in your research you found information and stories that pertain to gluten and discuss your goal. The last sentence is probably more suitable to include in the last paragraph or you could delete it.

Writing Feedback / To truly enjoy a vacation (holiday), people should leave their mobile phones at home. [2]

Hello, I can help you with some suggestions and corrects.

1st paragraph: You could replace destroyed with "ruined". Change in a vacation to, "on a vacation".

2nd paragraph: "Take my best friend, John, for example . For example, my best friend John and I One time, we had a once took a trip together to Tainan, where which was quite far from the city we lived in, Taipei." These two sentences needed to be combined because the first was an incomplete sentence. The next sentence you can delete a word and simply state: ..."first time we went there"... I'm unsure about using rough impression. Do you mean he said to have a rough impression of the distance you were travelling? The next sentence is confusing. However, if this is what he said, then you can place quotation marks around the sentence: "Google Map will take care all the remaining jobs", he said.

Since you are discussing details that are in the past, change your verbs from the present to the past. Ex:"...we went to a restaurant that was..". The next sentence add "was" before located. The end of the paragraph change spend the to "spend that".

3rd paragraph: Add "a" after functionality. Add "of" after people. You state that people can create their own artwork. Do you mean that people can create their own memories?

These sentences need a revision: "Another experience on the trip I had with John to Tainan, can further function as an example to demonstrate such an idea. During...amazing sunset". Lured is not a good word choice. You could state that you were "captivated". You could delete these words: by the camera .

4th paragraph: Camera should be "cameras". When you state you disagree with the statement, you should give a better explanation. By adding what is in the question to the end of the sentence the reader will be able to understand the sentence. Ex:"...statement that people should leave their mobiles phones at home while on vacation." "I believe that people must bring up their mobile phones in on their vacations.

Research Papers / Global Warming Is A Problem, but it can be stopped - research paper. [4]

I can help you with more changes to your essay.

This is a continuation of the 2nd paragraph. You use the word affect. Do you mean the tornado effect? Change these sentences: "Luckily, there are ways this can be prevented, and luckily . People have developed..." Place a comma in the essay after the years you describe in your essay. For example, place a comma after 2005 in the next sentence. Place an apostrophe in America's. Million should be in all lowercase letters. There is just a slight issue with spacing. Re build should be "rebuild".

The 2nd paragraph needs some work with organization. There are three topics discussed. One topic is regarding weather. The other topic is air quality. The next topic is gasoline. Air quality and gasoline are underdeveloped topics. I would suggest starting a new paragraph using this sentence: "Another big problem is the poor air quality". Then you can discuss how gasoline has an impact on air quality. Ex: "Gasoline is a major part of global warming because it effects air quality." This will help you to discuss your findings and make your evidence easier to understand. This sentence needs to be revised: "There is something that can be should be done to change this and decrease global warming on this planet.

I will help you with the 3rd and 4th paragraph if no one else makes revisions before the end of the day.

Writing Feedback / TOPIC: What are the benefits and the risks associated with the use of private transport? [4]

I can give you some more help with grammar issues.

In the first paragraph, parts of this sentence needs to be revised and deleted: "...you become an take the initiative to move to anywhere and whenever go whenever and anywhere you want...destination or public transportation schedules. You can make it more simple for your reader by using only public transportation because a bus and subway is public transportation. Delete obviously and start the sentence making these slight revisions: "You can avoid being harassed or pick pocketed when you use public transportation."

The next paragraph, delete these sentence and use a transition word: Turning to the other side of the argument "On the other hand, using a..."

Change the word circulates to travelling. Toward the end of the paragraph, you want to make vehicle plural by adding -s to the end.

This is just a suggestion for the last paragraph. You could use another transition such as: "In summary". There should be a slight change in word choice and some words need to be rearranged. Here is how you can correct these errors: "...the risks are brought associated with them.."

The last sentence end with: "...making the situation worse".

Writing Feedback / "Does planning interfere with creativity?" SAT January 2009 [2]

Hello, I can help assist you again. I will also try to read the revised version of your last essay.

1st paragraph: This is a minor mistake. "There's a fine line separating good planning and too much planning."

2nd paragraph: In the first sentence, plans should be changed to plan. You can put atomic physics in lowercase letters, Delete the comma after planned. There should be only one comma in this sentence and a correction: "...but she couldn't first describe or understand the phenomena."

The next sentence change fortunate to fortune and the comma should only be placed after fortune. Alpha, Beta, and Gamma can be in all lowercase letters. You made a good attempt with your description in the next sentence. Please state, "Finally, she discovered a new...radioactivity". Delete "a" in the next sentence. Change pave to paves. You can delete lucky.

3rd paragraph: I noticed that the missing link in your paragraphs is transitions (For example, However). For example could be placed before Marie Curie. However could be placed before Lawrence. What he accomplished occurred in the past. Your verbs should be in the past tense. Change adapts and shapes to adapted and shaped. You can simply state, "He widely researched about funding to finance his newborn project." Change invades to invaded. I think he probably would be just penniless or without money. You don't have to make any changes, this is just my opinion.

Do you mean one hit wonder?

4th paragraph: I like it when you use: "In conclusion" to end your essay. Change to:" come from wise and good planning, but..." "So it's critical to balance smart..."

This essay is an 11 because you developed your point of view but the errors prevented it from a higher score.

Graduate / Tanzania has changed me into a new person - MPH Statement of Purpose from International Student [4]

I can help assist you with your SOP. I will focus on meaning and try to help you pinpoint what is missing in your essay. First, the last two paragraphs gives the reader more information regarding what you have accomplished more recently. This is good to include in you SOP.

However, the first two paragraphs relate to details that are in your past. I think it is a good idea to briefly express what made you interested in public health in the first paragraph of the essay. The first three sentences in the third paragraph help me to see where your journey to devote your time to public health issues began.

Another good detail to include in your SOP is to have a paragraph explaining why you have chosen that university. Also, discuss how attending the university in which you have applied will help you achieve your career goals. This can be discussed in the last paragraph of your essay.

I know you were trying to have a good opening paragraph. You were writing very clearly, but from my research I have noticed that the SOP has three main factors:

1) Good opening paragraph
2) Your achievements and any significant details that show you are prepared to further your studies
3) A conclusion that includes how the university can help you in your future plans or career goals

Writing Feedback / TOPIC: What are the benefits and the risks associated with the use of private transport? [4]

I can help you make improvements to your essay. I would first like to state that you have good information in your essay. However, there is some repetition that needs to be corrected. The word "seriously" is used at the end of sentences. It has no meaning in your sentences. Delete this word and read the sentences again. You will recognize that your sentences have improved.

I think you can begin your essay with the sentence that begins with, "From my perspective": Then state: " One of the main positives of using personal transportation is its convenience and people can feel comfortable using it." Notice the revision is more specific and can help you to discuss other details in this paragraph. You can revise this sentence too: "For example,the better one's life is, the more private transport such as cars, motorbikes, or even planes will be used." The sentence that starts with, "Indeed" can be your next sentence. The other sentences are arranged well. The sentence that discusses how you will start looking at the advantages can be deleted.

The other paragraphs are better organized.

This is some help, but grammar needs to be addressed.

Research Papers / Global Warming Is A Problem, but it can be stopped - research paper. [4]

I can help assist you with your paper. I see that you have cited your sources. If you have any direct quotes or copied any text from these sources, don't forget to put quotation marks around those sentences for your final submission of your essay.

1st paragraph: I would change way back when to decades ago. If there is a specific number stated in your source, you can use this to be more specific. Change within recent years to, "In recent years..." Do you mean the ice sheets are dissolving or disappearing?

2nd paragraph: I'm unsure about the describing weather and how people dwell. You could say that the weather has taken a toll on people's lives. "Summers have become hotter and winters are warmer". Place a comma after 2003. Also, place a comma after you use a transition (i.e.For example).

I will help you with your paper later.

Writing Feedback / "Is imagination less valuable than facts and objectivity?" SAT Novembre 2010 [2]

Hello, I am assisting you again with your essay. Let me first discuss what you are doing quite well.

1) Your use of commas and word choice is getting better.
2) You are continuing to use transition words which helps with understanding (Ultimately, In fact, Thus, etc.)
3) Your paper is organized well.

Here are some suggestions to help your writing:
1) There are additional words that can be deleted.
1st paragraph: "imagination cannot be by no way more valuable than facts and objectivity.
2nd paragraph: "..dreaming of a perfect husband, unlimited wealth and prestige, rendered her into a passive, immature and foolish person, who ran away from ground facts and reality."

Change the tense in the next sentence: "marrying an idol man who had power,..." The next sentence change your tense to:"...always fell into the abyss.." The next sentence, made should be make. The last sentence needs a few more words to explain Madame Bovary's situation. You can add: "...her blindness to the facts of life lead to her suicide..."

2) There is great organization in your paper. However, if you use a transition word this will help you with your essay writing.

3rd paragraph: You could use Nevertheless or However, since the next paragraph is a different example and you are discussing objectivity. Place "the" before imagination. Change part of this sentence to: "...enlightenment philosophers and scientists..." Change ground to based.

4th paragraph: I would begin the last sentence with a transition. Ex: "Therefore, the evidence proves that dreamers...problems, will end up failing"

I would score it as an 11. If you could get an 11.5, I would give it to you for word choice, information, and good organization. Some slight corrections in past tense would have given you a 12. Nice improvement! I want you to remember that I'm assuming this is how you will be scored. Hopefully, they will take into consideration the time constraint.

Writing Feedback / "Is it possible for a society to be fair to everyone?" June 2013 [5]

I apologize. If you only have 25 minutes to write your essay, then you are doing quite well. I will review your next essay with this in mind.

Writing Feedback / "Is it possible for a society to be fair to everyone?" June 2013 [5]

Hello, I will help assist you again. I would like to focus on meaning.

In your first paragraph, the only noticeable error is that chance should be plural.

However, the opening sentence of your second paragraph is confusing. There is a better way to state this sentence. Ex: "A tendency to prejudge is one aspect...". Change this to: "...the white..." When you use a term involving race it should be in all lowercase letters unless you begin a sentence using that word. Sufferance should be suffering. The next sentence where you discuss societies is an incomplete sentence. There needs to be more information after commonplace. Change these sentences: "During these decades...blacks...This fact demonstrates..."

The next paragraph instead of using "But" to explain your friend's poverty, you should use "However". Change accepted in to "accepted into". The next sentence doesn't begin well. Change: Had he get "If he was accepted..." Place a comma after universities. These sentences needed revision because you can form a new sentence and change your transition word: "Yet, society and hard realities were against him. He was a great mind but lacked the opportunity to show up and shape his skills. Ultimately, he lived in..." I'm not sure if he was homeless, so I made the suggest to change it to lived in.

Do you mean no one can escape human frailties?

I'm going to grade it a 10. This is a difficult topic to write about. Take your time and write.

Graduate / Experience: developing processes and solving issues in client-HP network - SOI; Master of Management [2]

Hello, I will continue to help you with your essay. I will suggest a few more changes that will make your essay better.

"I have gaps in knowledge that cannot be filled by continuing to work in my current career trajectory". I feel that this statement makes you seem a little inadequate and your experience shows that you are completely equipped to work well. I would like to suggest stating:.."a gap in my educational level". Sometimes there is a gap because a person may need a Master's degree in order to make advancement on their job. It doesn't mean there is a gap in what a person knows or can achieve, but there is a gap in a specific requirement.

The next paragraph, you have a slight revision: "...make a cost reduction program..." Here is another revision that can be made "... which will help me transition into an executive role in the future". Place a comma after goal. Place "my" after strengthen.You state: "This is where MBS comes in". However, I feel it is too vague. Since you discuss your goals throughout the paragraph, you could make a better transition. Ex: Thus, MBS can help me to achieve my goals. This is just a suggestion! Remember the last sentence in your paragraph, needs to help you make a smooth transition to the next paragraph.

There are just a few minor errors in the following paragraph. Change such to "so". The next sentence needs a better arrangement of words: "Having Dr.XXXXXXX as a faculty member, whose expertise in outsourcing solutions and 3PL services in supply chain piqued my interest, will give me the satisfaction of knowing that I can have engaging discussions in the classroom". Note: I chose not to rewrite his name. Also, if you want to shorten your sentence more you could delete the information about his expertise. However, if you are want that information included, you can make the revision as stated above.

Good Job! Your last paragraph is really good.

Writing Feedback / Many machines are now able to do the work which people used to perform, advantages an disadvantages? [4]

Hello, I can help assist you with any needed changes.

1st paragraph: I see only a minor error. You should change human to humans.

2nd paragraph: I would change your transition word to "First". I think that stating paper works at the office is confusing. Do you mean organizing paper at the office? Today, we can organize files electronically. Here is a suggestion for that sentence:"A lot of chores at home, organizing paper at the office, and checking in at a hospital are done by electronic machines. While Today, humans solve more significant problems that electronic devices cannot do." The next sentence, you want to delete the -s at the end of work and add an -s at the end of human. Change part of the next sentence: "...humans worker , which factory..." The next sentence I am going to suggest a change in word order and a semicolon. ...after a long time being used being used for a long time; then, we just need to fix them or replace them with another one .

3rd paragraph: Delete the comma before too. I think the sentence about humans does not fit with this paragraph because the paragraph relates more to machines than humans. I think you should revise this sentence: "And Machines cannot be creative or develop their skills like humans, their products always stay the same as the beginning . Add -s to the word human in the last sentence of this paragraph. You will make human plural twice in this sentence.

Conclusion: You can change weigh up to "weigh the" and place a comma after cons. These words need to be rearranged:"...it will only bring us advantages."

Book Reports / Gender roles, deception, Gatsby/Daisy and Hamlet/Ophelia - The Great Gatsby VS Shakespeare's Hamlet [3]

Hello, I can help to assist you with your paper. As I began to read it, I noticed that it is similar to an outline. I think what is missing is an opening paragraph to help the reader understand the organization of the paper. You mention gender roles, deception, and tragic heroes in the body of the essay. Help the reader to understand what you will discuss in the essay by using those points. Discuss that you will be comparing and contrasting characters and the similarities and differences in the Great Gatsby and Hamlet.

"In Hamlet the social norm is that women have "invisible" roles in society, and they are youthful, beautiful, and pure." This is a good sentence for the next paragraph in your essay. When you describe Ophelia and Gertrude, you should compare and contrast after you have finished describing each character. For example, if you begin by describing Ophelia, you should start with the sentence that describes her dependency on her father and brother. However, although she has this dependency, she is still considered the perfect girl. Similarly, Gertrude is the same with her dependency on men. Then discuss how different she is in terms of her age, outward appearance, etc. Young and gorgeous should be in all lowercase letters.

You can follow the same pattern with Daisy and Jordan Baker. Describe all of Daisy's characteristics and then compare or contrast the difference between Daisy and Jordan Baker.

The idea of deception is really clear. I am going to suggest adding some sentences. Is there anything in the reading that gives evidence of Jay's power or Hamlet's insanity? Gatsby/Daisy vs. Hamlet/Ophelia is unclear because the statement is vague. More details from the reading or more details in the explanation will make it more clear.

A good way to separate your paragraphs is to use transition words. For example, when you discuss gender roles in the Great Gatsby, you could state: However, there were gender roles for women in the Great Gatsby. One simple sentence and transition word could help you to organize your paper. I hope this helps you!

Graduate / An Indian dentist - Personal statement for MPH admission. [3]

I can help assist you with your work. It seems as if you took more than one course. Here is my suggestion regarding how you can change this: "When I took courses as a dentist in India..." The next sentence should read: One of these courses was Public..." Learnt in the past tense should be spelled learned. It is great to mention that you worked to provide free checkups for others! Simply delete the space and make checkup one word. When you discuss the small act you did, place a comma after world.

When you discuss the last year, I think you need to be more specific. Was it you senior year of dentistry? Also, it is more common to state, "have a change in perspective." You could change the next sentence to:" For example, I traveled..." This is a really great observation and explained ver well!

Change this sentence to: "...upon completion of this program, I will..." Do you mean events rather than actions? I think you should place a hyphen between like and minded. Also, delete probably when you discuss like-minded individuals.

The last paragraph change complete to completing. Also end the essay with,"...in my career path"

I have no experience in this area, but I studied health and education. I hope these suggestions help you!