Writing Feedback / IELTS WT 2 - Advertisment is more harmful than helpful to humantity. Agree or disagree? [6]

As Pahan commented above, you need to work on your introduction. Better re-write it !


... you need to be careful with usage of vocabulary. "conclude" means bringing to an end. "include" means containing as a part of a whole.


they properly reflect / he properly reflects


technological achievements


yes... you need to pay very serious attention in this regard!

Writing Feedback / Some schools are introducing unpaid community services into their school programmes compulsorily. [4]


Some schools are introducing unpaid community services into their school programs as a compulsory activity.


What is your opinion? It is good to conclude your introduction with expressing your opinion very clearly.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 2] Examinations can give a clear picture of students' true ability [7]

That's good news! Please go to the EF Contributors page (you find it at the bottom - click on EF Contributors) and in that page come down to the point Be a Contributor (It's very quick and easy to apply!). There you get a link - send a message to us (click on that and send a message to EF telling us you like become a contributor) Please follow these steps for now!

Thank you very much! :)

Undergraduate / success is not only for those who get the best chances- value i strongly believe [4]


It's not always the one having the best cards who wins, but the one who throws the right card on the table in every turn.


.... this sentence does not serve any purpose. Better you leave it out.


.... this sentence needs imporvement;
There were two brilliant and well mannered seniors in my high school who joined the Chemistry Olympiad class with me.


This sentence is too very long and sounds confusing. Break it up to contain one idea per sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Animals should not be exploited or humans must use animals to satisfy them [6]

In the recent days, the best creatures of the world, the animals whichthat help humanityhumans in many ways are being abused.


I see some issues with your flow... From animals to pets which is such a small subset of animal world? Then again you move back to animals.

You can write well, but you need to pay attention to organizing your ideas in a more logical sequence that helps you present your ideas in a smooth flow. Flow is an essential feature in any essay that captures the reader's heart for your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - role of news editors in broadcasting the news [2]


.... I don't find much meaning in the first part of this sentence.


Actually, the media's priority goes to the news that are sensational even though publishing such news items may be unethical. This is the point here and it's good if you mentioned about that in this paragraph.


I think you have not tackled this part effectively in this essay :(

Undergraduate / I just found out that my passion is not in art; My Personal Statement to HKU [3]

Well... while I was reading this personal statement, I felt like what if you find business management also not your choice. For me, I feel you have begun this essay with too much negativity and giving the reader an impression that you do not have a clear idea about what you want to do. I feel you should not talk about your withdrawal from school, or even if you have to talk about it, then you should do it later. Start your PS with positives.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 2] Examinations can give a clear picture of students' true ability [7]

You write very well greenleaf. I wish you become one of the contributors of this site. By helping others you too can keep improving your English writing skills. Also, you can help others with your experiences too. After all, helping others is an inspiring thing, isn't it? Please let me know if you are interested in becoming a contributor :)

Undergraduate / "Welcome to the Jincai Law Club" UIUC prompt 2: describe an experience [4]



In a confident tone, I began to explain other about our first club activity as the newly elected leader of the law club that comprised of twelve members.


"Student clubs" are a highly regarded feature in my high school.


All such clubs are formed, run and managed by students themselves.

Undergraduate / Short softball; Sports have always been an important aspect of my life [3]


.... I'd like to suggest a slight shift in word arrangement;
Sports, especially softball, have always been an important aspect of my life.


Take this line to a new one;
I will never forget that day because it was the day I cried the most in my life.


[i]I couldn't hit, I couldn't catch and felt embarrassed in front of other girls who seemed so smart in the game.
[/i]

Scholarship / 'SERENE THOUGHTS' - personal and academic goals [4]


I like if you didn't say this.... Why do you want to give a vague feeling about your personal goals. I don't think it would help you impress anybody, because people value someone being visionary. My advice for you is to remove these lines.


You can get a start here, no problem, but soon you need to come up with a strong personal goal.

Letters / I'm from Vietnam,I graduated Banking University HCMC for 1 year ago;Dien-introduce myself [5]


Nice to meet you too Dien :)

I graduated in Banking from the University HCMC in the last year. My major was Business Administration and currently I am working as (tell your designation) for a Consultant Strategy company in HCMS. My hobbies are playing badminton, walking, learning other languages.


... This is not clear to me. If you lived in Laos, you should have mentioned that soon after you said that you are Vietnamese. These sentence seem to be disturbing the flow :(

Undergraduate / I braced myself for a bombardment of questions ; UBC- volunteer experience [3]

Well ... your title talks about volunteer experience, which I found hard to relate to the contents of your response. I feel you should present your response in a more simple and interesting way that speaks more about you application, goals, pursuit, results, learning etc. This response sounds more verbose than actual facts.

Writing Feedback / Homework helps teachers to assess students' understanding ; Advantages of homework [6]


Body paragraphs are used to elaborate on reasons. What is the key reason here? It is time management. So, you should have the entire focus on that;

To begin with, homework helps students develop their time management skill that is a mandatory skill a student should possess in order to be successful with his or her studies. For example, by doing regular homework, a student learn to complete their tasks as per a scheduled time and also become a more organized person.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 2] Examinations can give a clear picture of students' true ability [7]


Good idea for a hook... Wish some little changes in the arrangements of words;
Formal examinations and continuous assessments like course work and projects are two widely used methods for evaluating students' ability in many educational systems.
Good introduction :)
Overall, a very good essay.... If you managed time well, you can surely aim for a very good score, definitely above 28/30 :D ... Well, this is the first time I commented on anyone's scores more precisely. lol

Writing Feedback / [Toefl ibt-Opinion Essay] Should Attendance Be Required in College? [5]


College study is a higher form of educational qualification that is required for one to apply for many jobs.


Here you need to have a better alignment with your prompt. This sounds like going a bit out of topic. Your prompt talks about attendance as a college requirement and not as a student's requirement.

Many colleges today requires a certain percentage of students' attendance in classes in order to issue the students' certificate at the completion of the study program.

Undergraduate / Take the challenge! Face your fears!; UBC- Significant Challenge [4]


Take the challenge! Beat your fears! .... I changed punctuation too.


I realized the size of the audience that would watch our performance and I shuddered at the thought.


Unlike my friend, I suffered from stage phobia with nearly no experience in performing in front of an audience.


This is a bit over done :(


I was shivering with fear, nonetheless, I knew that the show must go on and I cannot let down others. I walked up on the stage with butterflies in my stomach. However, with greatest courage I set my fingers on the first note on the keyboard and then began to feel the tension was easing off. Soon I had myself connected with the show and finally I overcame my fear with tenacity and perseverance.

Undergraduate / 'No Birthday or Christmas present' - Essay for biggest obstacle [3]


Those two children, who were even not my father's blood relations knew my father better than I knew him.
Your story is very touchy. I think you can improve it a lot;


In this section, I feel you should have taken the elementary part on the top and then the freshman year and finally the meeting with your father. That arranges a better flow. Have all of them into one paragraph.

Undergraduate / "Nothing in this world is free" The Greatest Gift in Life [3]


"Nothing in this world is free", was my Grandfather's inspiring slogan that I and my family believed in our long and difficult journey to America.


My family, like many other Vietnamese families, has been abused by the Communist system.
My family was fortunate enough to get sponsored by my Grandfather to enterimmigrate to America toin search forof a better life.

Scholarship / "Business plan project"; SOP- Junior Fellowship Program [4]

I think you need to talk more about your future goals, both short term and long term. Then tell them how this program is going to help you achieve them. Nothing much is said about that and I feel it is the key thing they are interested in knowing. Tell them what you want to be, and how JFP takes you there.

Writing Feedback / Characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality n development [5]

It is often a hot topic of debate that a person's personality is majorly influenced withby the characteristics with which he/she is born than with his overall life experiences.the experiences this person gain in life.

Writing Feedback / Work or travel before university; very difficult to resume after discontinuation [4]


.... since you mentioned countries, you should have included at least one more country. Again the word "perspective" means that a particular view or attitude towards something. So, perspective is generally held and here it makes "look at" redundant.


....Link this line to the previous sentence.
People of these countries do not perceive taking a break form studies for an year or two for whatever reason is a positive trend.

Overall, you write well.... Make sure you don't leave room for those small errors :)

Writing Feedback / hometown clean - if you could change one important thing about your hometown? [3]

Ok.... First, I have a few admin requests for you - Include the purpose of writing (e.g. TOEFL, IELTS) in the title so that others can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Second, you should open threads in the most appropriate forum and this one should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum. I had to move this to Writing Feedback.from Graduate Essays.


You have unnecessarily made this sentence complicated. It is such a simple idea and you should have presented it in a more simple and interesting manner. Showing your knowledge on vocabulary is good, but clarity of your sentences and ideas matter more.

Personally, if I am to change something in my hometown, it will be keeping our city clean.

Undergraduate / Freshman with broken English - Failure, and how it affected me and lessons I learned [5]

I kept reading your response and failed to find a single full-stop until I reached the very end. That means the whole thing you wrote is just one line. That is way too long for a sentence dear friend! Please read it over and separate your ideas into shorter sentences and post it again. Nobody would care to read this if you don't do that!

Writing Feedback / Every year some languages die out; language as the most important achievment [3]


This is not a strong hook. A hook sentence should hook the reader into reading more. It should be interesting, meaningful and relevant to your topic too. Let's take the first section of this;


.... this sounds a bit awkward.


Through out your introduction, I find you attempting try things in a more novel manner, but they haven't come through nicely. For example;


... how can a language has a society? what you should have said is that;
Each language represents its society and culture.
I strongly advise you not to experiment with phrases or words if you are not sure... They would interpret a total different meaning and spoil your essay.

Writing Feedback / Countries should not isolate themselves from the world but instead engage other countries. [8]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for IELTS or TOEFL? It is always better to include the purpose in the title so that it helps you earn more task related and meaningful feedbacks. Also, this thread has initially been opened in Grammar Usage forum which I moved from there to Writing Feedback which is the more appropriate forum for this type of essays. Please follow these points when you open your next thread.


Well.... I find a little overdone verbose effect here. It is important to display your vocabulary skills, but most important thing is to present your ideas very clearly in an interesting manner so that reader can enjoy your reading. When you have too many things crept inside one line, the reader needs to keep remembering lots of things. That is not the way to impress the reader.

Undergraduate / I became fascinated with genetics; Why Nursing & Why Mount Union? [2]


Well, I find you trying to say the same idea in different different ways. I guess it is better if you skim the core ideas and present them in maximum two lines.


It was a pretty tough for me to decide what I would choose as my major and which university I would attend to.


You declare that you had many career ideas. Then how this one stood out of all of them? You need to elaborate on that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task2 - Causes and solutions in preventing bad influence of adult products [7]

:D .... Well, it is good if you follow a standard essay structure for this task, because this type of exams have a major bearing on time. You are given a very short time to present your essay and they would mark you according to certain guideline. So it is always advisable to follow a structure without trying new things because of this reason. When you practice on different topics, always set time and practice.

Pahan has given you the structure to follow for the introduction.

Graduate / I've been intrigued by information hiding techniques and data privacy; SOP [6]

It is the same SOP, but a revision and certain contents of this would remain as it is.... isn't it? If so, you can post it here itself. If it's going to be a total new one, you can open a new thread also. But make sure the contents are different, otherwise we moderators would merge the two threads :D

If you open a fresh thread for a different SOP, then have different and meaningful title for that too :)

Scholarship / Yes, I am Mexican; Goals Influenced by Hispanic Heritage [2]


Yes, I am Mexican and I was born in a country that is governed by corruption and that gives education a very little priority.


In my three year experience in the Mexican school from the seventh to ninth grade, I noticed that teaching standards lacked quality and students didn't have a strong moral or interest for studies.

Undergraduate / I grew up with a single mom; University of Colorado- enrich diverse &inclusive community [4]


... this second part is not so clear .... I like if you rephrase it to express that idea more cleraly


As I grew up, I had the influence of these diverse interests and traits to make up my own individuality, with that I can easily adapt to any new environment.

You should pay attention to what is commented by admission2012 .

Graduate / I've been intrigued by information hiding techniques and data privacy; SOP [6]

No need.... this is fine. :) But make sure you always have an attractive title which is also relevant for your essay if you are keen on receiving more comments :D

Well... you explain the background well, but I do not find a strong passionate hook in your SOP. Tell them how you became interested in this field and then what you did to pursue it.

Your SOP should not sound like a list of credentials or experiences. You need to display more creativity there. It should speak about your personality and your goals and ambitions and how the program you are going to apply would help you achieve your such aspirations.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Getting opinions from many sources could augment people's performance. [4]

Thereby, evaluatingevaluations from students is one of the ways to improve quality of educationaleducation system.
Your introduction fails to present the other side of the argument. When you explain the background of the issue, both sides should be presented to the reader.


.... there are some grammar issues;
To begin with, students' evaluation on teachers helps improve teachers' performance.


Actually this is not an example, but further illustration of your reasoning;
Students are the recipients of teachers' services and therefore they know best how do teachers perform. It is like getting customers to evaluate service providers in view of improving customer service standards.

Writing Feedback / Homework helps teachers to assess students' understanding ; Advantages of homework [6]


.... actually, homework really doesn't help students' skills. It helps student be thorough with what they learned in the classroom.
Finally, homework helps teachers assess students' subject knowledge and understanding of concepts.


Examinations are not always the best method to assess the student's knowledge.


Students need good time management skills to score at the examinations. Sometimes, the students do not perform well at exams due to nervousness.

Writing Feedback / Effects of computers on children/youth [7]

Okkkkkk... you've posted the above response and that's exactly how you should make a comment on someone else's thread. If you want to open a thread for your own to post an essay to get others' feedback, then follow these steps;

1. Login to the site with your userid (Shahoo) and password
2. Click on "New Thread" on the top (right handside)
3. Click on the arrow at "Select Forum" and select the most appropriate forum for your essay. (E.g. if it is an IELTS essay, select Writing Feedback)

4.Type a meaningful title for your essay in the subject field
5. Type your essay in the space allowed for "Message"
6. Once done, click on "Start New Thread"
Hope everything's clear now :)

Scholarship / I feel sympathetic when I see the cancer patients; Career goal [2]


Chemistry was always my favorite subject throughout my high school career. I was excited about the chemical reactions and atomic structure.


I learned that everything around us is chemistry, be it household material like shampoo, soda and toothpaste or medicines like penicillin that saves people's lives.

Undergraduate / My Mechanical Engineering World; UC - World I come from [10]


I grew up in an environment filled with many Engineering interests; My father is a civil engineer while my mother studied materials engineering at college. Both my grandpa and grandma were electric engineers.


May be with this influence, I was more or less a tomboy than an average girl during my childhood and loved playing with toy cars and not dolls. I was interested in boys' company because their world was about structures of cars and planes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Nowadays we are producing more and more rubbish. [5]

Good introduction :)


India and China have / India or China has
Also, this sentence is not so meaningful. India and China are exceptions compared to other countries in terms of population. They together hold % of world's entire population.

First tell the reason and then support it with this example;
First, as the population grows at a faster pace, it increases the amount of rubbish getting produced too. For example, China and India, being the two countries having the largest populations in the world, have a reputation being highly polluted countries.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS / TASK 2] The government has to pay for aged care [5]

I feel your introduction needs improvement with its alignment to the prompt as well as its structure.

Scholarship / MOTIVATION LETTER; Giovani Nel Mondo Scholarship [2]


"I am" getting repeated too often :(
I am Irfan Maulana, a student of Universitas Gadja Mada, ???? (Place or Location) following the fifth semester of Mechanical Engineering degree program. I major in Heavy Equipment.


I believe thsi scholarship will provide me with a rewarding international exposure.