Writing Feedback / TOEFL: MORE VOCATION TIME Vs HIGHER SALARY [3]

Awesome, Kathy...

Ellen, can you easily understand the corrections made here?

Some people think money is everything, so they are willing to work all day and sacrifice their vacations; however, others dispute this way of thinking, phenomenon because they say the life is short and don't we should not waste the time on your our boring jobs.

In sum up,
In conclusion, from the discussions above, although money is useful for getting get some luxuries, it is also true that you still cannot buy some things but instead must gain them naturally by keeping some free time, such as your health, friendships, or life experience. ---This sentence became very complicated!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Cambridge IELFTS - Prevention is better than cure. Health education. [4]

This is going to be a great thread. If anyone has any questions about the corrections, please ask! :-)

Nowadays, people get many serious diseases although the health services have been developed much than in the past.

The government considers spending a large sum of money on health education and preventative measures.

Yes, I see a correction for this in the post by Saysi:
First of all, If the government spends -----You should not capitalize the "I" in "If"...
First of all, if the...

This makes it possible enables to prevent people from get some diseases.

The patient can use the equipments equipment when they need...---The word equipment does not need s.

Addingly Additionally, the overcrowding of some hospital will decrease, and that helps people have better health care service.

You still have a lot of errors, so I hope you will type each sentence above. Type each sentence 10 times! So, that means you need to type 6 X 10 sentences. Speak them aloud when you type, and your grammar will soon be perfect. :-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl - It would be tragic if we put the wrong metric on judging people (external appearance) [4]

However, other people regard outer appearances as something very important indicators.-----I changed it so that it would make sense grammatically.

As for me, I prefer to former one, which is, I adhere to the view that judging people from external appearances would be misleading to and unable to help me truly understand person.

"Guys" is informal, and it seems strange to use a word that leaves out women.
and we would definitely lose many chances to meet nice guys people.

Perhaps someone would say that people's characteristics would be ----As an alternative, you can use the word character. These words have different meanings:
"character" and "characteristics"

You are doing very well! Do not be frustrated. You are good at this.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The Deceiving Advertisement [3]

Soleley is an adverb, and sole is an adjective. You should use sole in this case:
Because the sole purpose of this activity is profit, it is...

Intent is a noun, and intend is a verb:
This method is often used in food adds, with the intent to link...

This is already very eloquent!

And if a stranger see these kinds of adds ads, it would be easy for him or her to conclude that we love our state as it was before 1989.

Finally, media sharks try to impose the opinion that Bulgarians are low-developed unsophisticated peasants. Because this kind of person is easy to identify with, a many ads rely on the image of...

In fact, giving adds ads such an important task could be harmful.----very good!

You think this is not so good, but actually it is quite eloquent and clear.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The real source of success (courageous and bold people) [6]


Ha ha, okay, I'll check it out. I don't think you used the word resentful correctly here. You should use the word "problematic" instead, or "frustrating."

:-)

That lottery is a good idea!

Scholarship / "A 500-word statement on personal interest/achievement in design" [2]


Always trim a little if you can. Trim as much as possible. It makes writing more effective.


This would be great as a term you are introducing in order to express some new concept. But as a title, it seems melodramatic, and it is unclear because of the fact that you used 2 abstract words that are subject to different interpretations... so, I like it, but ... oh, maybe I would want to suggest this:

The Authenticity of My Being
See? Always trim as much as possible. :-)

Although being frustrated at first, I was surprised that...

... and contribute myself to the community.---I like the way you worded this.

Very good writing, here!
It is indeed good to mention that you learned English as a second language.
I think it also is good to mention the chem, but be creative and make it all part of the same theme. :-)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The real source of success (courageous and bold people) [6]


You are preparing for toefl? I am amazed... if I was practicing a foreign language, I could not use metaphors so beautifully...

Today`s world belongs----What key do you hit for an apostrophe? Check to make sure you are using the correct key...

Great job, but I think maybe it is easier when you choose the topic yourself. What if they give you an unfamiliar topic? Try writing about the question of whether teachers should be allowed to express personal, political opinions in the classroom. That is a difficult one to write about! :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Parents are the best teachers? No, it does not hold for every case! [5]

Impressive! You are ready for the toefl. Just forget about it and move on to other challenges. When you take the test you will pass as long as you keep the sentences simple. You are using complex sentences, and you are using them correctly!

Number agreement:
... whether our parents are the best teachers or...

Number agreement:
the worst depends on whether the influence is good or bad. Some husbands beat their wife wives because they saw their fathers beat their mothers in their childhood.

... such as justice and ethics, which I should always keep in mind.

...was feeling conflicted about about whether to lie in about my poor grade.

It turned out to be I didn't The way it turned out, I didn't lie.---I just changed this for clarity.

...when it comes to the question of whether our parents are the best teachers, we still need to consider carefully, because if our parents influence us in a bad way, they will prove not to have been our best teachers but, in the other extreme, the worst.-----Excellent!! I made some changes, but they represent advanced writing lessons. You are absolutely ready for the toefl.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Does Television destroy our bonds with friends and family? [6]


Looking good, but at the end of this first paragraph instead of just stating your position it would be great to give a phrase that expresses something about the reason for your opinion. :-)

For instance, too much spending time watching television would cause some people to waste their whole day as they shut doors and immerse themselves into programs.

However, it seems to me that even if television were not existent, surely these people would have found other escapes.---Good point! You are smart. Did you see the word I added?

In conclusion, as I mentioned earlier, people have very little time for anything today in modern society, and television is merely among one factor among many other factors th at affect communication, and it is definitely not the main cause of degradation.

:-) nice job!!

Undergraduate / "everything happens at its right ordained time" - entrance essay [4]


Great advice from Gabriela! Less is more. It is better to focus on your message. Whenever you try to communicate something to people, you have to do it multiple times, and you have to say, "Hey! Pay attention!" You have to get rid of that last sentence of the first paragraph that says what was NOT rewarding and replace it with a sentence about what IS rewarding. Do you know what I mean? You have a message about a lot of love and enthusiasm and energy you are ready to give, so end the first paragraph with that message. If you want, you can keep it as it is and add a sentence to the end of that paragraph.. make it the most powerful sentence of the whole essay. :-)

From a personal perspective I am aware that a degree within my field will allow me to be more competitive and will provide more opportunity for employment at various levels. Do not waste the reader's time by tricking her into reading a statement of the obvious that she does not need to read. Readers hate that! Take out all sentences that do not support your main idea. Get that main point across, get that main idea clear.

Undergraduate / volunteer at orphanage - EXTRA CURRICULAR common app. [8]

Let's move that comma:
I was swarmed by sixteen playful children, and since that day a sense of fulfillment has floode d me every time I go there. Consummated Consumed by such feeling, I soon became one of the six ...

... more than 500 children that Sonhar ...

Let's name it something.. "memory":
That is something a memory I shall carry throughout my life and profession.

This is very good! thanks for being such a great person and improving the world.

Writing Feedback / School board to increase the physical education requirement to three years - CBEST [6]

Thanks, Kathy! Isn't Kathy great?

Do not capitalize high school unless you are naming the high school...
High school students are...

I also have a suggestion for this first sentence:
The issue of increasing the number of years of students are required to participate in physical education classes in high school is a controversial one.

One person prefers, but more than one person prefer. English is strange!
Some prefer the idea of increasing the number of years...

Always capitalize the first word of every sentence.

:-)

Writing Feedback / New generation no more read books. Is this complaint true? [4]

Let's say "the modern generation"
The modern generation does not...

have time to visit a public library to select a book they required. Magazines, journals, novels are now available in at their finger tips.
The common expression is "at your fingertips..."

Shakespeare's plays, the Holy Bible, epics of Indian culture, magazines, journals, dictionaries, novels in different

In the past, reading was...
People used to spend a major part of the day sitting in

... provided in the Internet is part of a commercial effort.

:-)

Research Papers / The topic of career profession segregation - Books for Essay Research [3]


Great advice from Delilah! Well, if you are doing this topic, you should think about the best search terms to use.

I would search the school library database for articles about these terms: glass ceiling, represented, gender

Those terms above will help you write about women being underreperesented in some professions.

You can also search for the terms: professional, segregation, number, minorities

This is a tough one! Can you be clearer about the topic you need to write about? Like Delilah, I am not sure I understand you correctly. :-)

Graduate / applying to MA in Comm. Sci. and Disorders with BA in Linguistics + teaching exp. [8]


Hi Lauren, google around about active voice and passive voice in writing. You'll learn how to switch this to the active voice, and it'll be better.


Oh, no! That must have hurt so much!!!!

my diligence and devotion to not throwing in the towel---It was not devotion to not throwing in the towel... I think these words are a little too abstract. You should just specify what motivated you to persevere. But don't say devotion to not throwing in the towel.

Here is another part that may lack meaning:
I know the faculty and staff in the Communication Sciences and Disorders Department are top notch...----Every university says their faculty is top notch. It will be great if you can replace this sentence with one about a particular professor whose articles or books you have read.

:-)

Essays / How to start: 'Why public smoking should be banned" [5]

Great discussion, JoJo...
that will help generate some ideas.

I think the important strategy to use, Dorothy, is to collect 5 articles about this topic and then write one paragraph about each article.

Then, you will have 5 paragraphs. That will be 2 pages of the essay. After that, find 5 more. It will be easy as long as you don't mind reading some articles. Just skim the introduction to each article to find out the main idea of each. Then, look at the end of each article. That helps you to know the article's main idea.

Write one para about each main idea. Soon, you will see several topics being covered.

After you have written about the main ideas of 10 articles, you will see the outline right there in the draft you have written. Write the intro last. :-)

Research Papers / Teenagers texting while driving (outline for research?) [5]

When I do this sort of thing, I let the outline take form based on the articles I find. Do not be rigid about your topic and your focus. Find some great articles, and write a paragraph about each. When you have written one or two paragraphs about each article, THEN you can go back and write an intro with a thesis statement.

After you have written some paragraphs and then devised a thesis statement, you can make an outline based on the ideas you have found in the articles.

It is really easy if you write 1 - 2 paragraphs about each article BEFORE you start trying to write an outline.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Going to college was a huge change" - Temple- Personal Statement [2]

An experience that has .... the way someone else does for me . ----I think this is all too vague. You should specify WHAT is interesting to you and what you want for yourself, etc. Express your intentions, your plan.

Discuss some books or articles you have read about business admin.
Use paragraphs to make this easier to read.

Tell the reader some details about the kind of work you would like to do when you finish your degree program.

Try to come up with one central idea, one memorable idea that will stay in the reader's mind after she finishes this essay.

:-)

Scholarship / "Research for further development of your country" - postdoctoral application [7]


Yes, this is the good question.

It is difficult to help, because I don't know what methods and techniques will be learned. But you cna probably do a great job with this.

You want to learn research methods and techniques, and these methods and techniques will be useful in the work you will do in Iraq. So, I think you should search the internet for information about quantitative and qualitative research methods. Read about survey research, case studies, causal correlational, experimental, and so forth. Google this:

quantitative, qualitative, research methods, list

Read about various research methods. You can learn about all of them in college, so all you need to do is read online about the various methods. When you see one that will be USEFUL FOR DOING THE WORK YOU WANT TO DO IN IRAQ, that is the one to write about.

So, this does not have to be all about the school in Germany. It can be about research methods you would like to use in your home country.

:-)

Undergraduate / Computer Science faculty - Tell us about your academic potential and accomplishments. [6]

I like Faisal's idea. Cut that first sentence, because it is not helpful. Then, you can start the essay like this:
I quickly grew passionate about the artistic value of video games and the logical nature of computer games at the same time I was studying Mathematics and Physics, so I have chosen...

Do you like it that way?

In the center, most of youth were talents and all of club members were helpful in organizing various seminars, activities and contests.---I don't know if I fixed this in the way that expresses the meaning you wanted to express. Does it seem okay?

By being a head of a section, I have mastered a skill in leadership and organization and learnt how to respect others' opinions as well.

:-)

Research Papers / How does industrialization affects environment (disadvantage) and economy (advantage) [6]

Yes, just google this: China factory of the world

I found a lot of info! :-)

Essays / What I want to be in life? Healthcare. How to write it? [3]


No, I can't! Only you know why you are interested in health care? Are you interested in it? If you cannot think of a reason, you might not be interested in it. What makes you want to enter this program?

What is the program? You have to identify what is most important to you and then explain why learning about health care is going to be helpful to you.

I know that a lot of people are suffering and struggling because of problems with health care... you should read a few fascinating articles to get some ideas. :-)

Essays / (psychology class) What has shaped the person you are today? Essay start? [6]

If it is for psych class, maybe you are supposed to write with reference to some concepts from class?

Anyway, dig deep in your introspection. What is most important to you? For me... the most important things are language, meditation, and deep experiences of the present moment. Some people are very concerned with teaching, some with science, some with justice... what is important to you?

Some people play so many video games that they have not had time to think of how they will make their lives meaningful.

But when you think of what is central to you, you can probably think of some life experiences that helped you to gain that interest.

Dig deep, and write brilliant sentences about those powerful experiences that made you who you are.

First, you have to know what is important to you.

Undergraduate / (Marist, Italy) - why should i get the opportunity to study in a specific college [3]

That's good advice bbish!

Yes, the most important thing is to show that you have a plan. Do you have one? If you do, your reasons for wanting to attend that school will reflect your plan.

So... for example, if you have been reading about your subjects of interest for a long time, you probably developed some very specialized interests, and you probably have some interesting goals.

what is your REAL reason for choosing this school? I mean, why did you choose this school instead of a different one? Maybe it has a program that appeals to you, or maybe it just "feels right" and you trust your intuition. Whatever your reason is, be honest about it, but be sure that you express several short term goals to show how motivated you are about your plan. :-)

Writing Feedback / More and more people claim that modern work patterns are a source of stress. [3]

...results of temporary work patterns which have formed stressful lifestyles for people of the modern generation.
Resolutions can be made by (the corporation of individual awareness and management??? What does this mean?) in changing work patterns.

Employees are always put under pressure of to achieve high standards of efficiency and productivity.

Modern work environments are h ighly competitive, and they call for relentless effort of by every individual.

The use of an appropriate work schedule can...

:-)

Undergraduate / Activities Since Secondary School FCM, PIIM ("Great-minded people") [4]

You should capitalize all the words in the title of the book:

"Great-minded People"
or
"Great-Minded People"

I think you should read the whole essay again and try to think of a sentence that captures the main idea of the essay. Add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph. That way, you will have one sentence that powerfully expresses the main idea, and it will be like the arrowhead at the tip of an arrow... the most important sentence.

You have a very eloquent way of writing!

Apart from distributing educational materials, I also...

Try to write that sentence that captures the essay's main idea. That is important. Then, discuss that main idea a bit more in the conclusion. You have excellent experiences, so I want you to celebrate them here with a memorable THEME.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Some people spend the entire lives in one place. Others move a number of times. [3]

believes
Keep it plural:
...new people, new cultures, and new beliefs that are all so amazing to me; I can see the people and cultures that before I was just reading about in books or learning about through watching films.

Also, I can make new friendships with these people and increase my number of friends. numbers .

These situations can change my life greatly and help me gaining my wishes fulfill my aspirations.

Moreover, as my grandmother says, the traveling can build the person's character with experiences achieved while moving from place to place. Therefore, moving often to new places can enable me to gain more skills and knowledge.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Describe the "TRAITS OF A LEADER" . Which of those fits you best ? [4]


In academic writing, professors often expect you to use at least 3 or 4 sentences in a paragraph.

I think you would enjoy these two articles:

Daniel Goleman's "What makes a leader?"
&
Prentice's "Understanding leadership"

This essay is great. Excellent structure, grammar, and ideas...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Young people have no influence on the decisions about the society [3]

When considering the question of whether people's points of view about young people have no influence on the future of society, there are a variety of opinions to be analyzed.-----Practice typing the sentence the way I typed it here. Practice 10 times so that you wll remember the correct grammar. Read it aloud ten times.

Some people seem to think that young people have influence on society while others tend to young people have no influence on the decisions that will af fect future society.

That's to say, they don't need to waste time to think what they should wear. (Right here, add a sentence that tells the reader what this means about whether young people can influence the future.)

My other reason is that adult people can figure out everything from the different angles . In addition, adults practice many skills while coping with life's experiences.

For example, my friend asked her father that she want t if she should open a clothes store in the country, but her father disagreed with the idea.

Practice these sentences 10 times each! :-)

Undergraduate / "striving to reach my goal is more important" - Pre-College program for Sophomores [7]

I had a wonderful childhood, what any child would dream to have. ---I don't like the word wonderful here...

I had what every child dreams to have: leopard cubs, otters, peacocks in our yard (although the leopards were in a confinement) and acres of lush and greenery around me. My father is..------I like it this way. It catches the reader's interest.

Life in the city is beautiful. ----Here is another sentence that seems too simple. I don't like wonderful or beautiful. They are too vague and cliched.

(Add a clever sentence about life in the city). I have few great friends, I enjoy working...

For me, having a goal is good but striving to reach my goal is more important. I dream of an India which is transparent and corruption free, and I know we will get there. In order to contribute to that process, I will ________________________. Also, I hope to ______________________. By entering the field of ________________, I believe I can ______________________. -----You are right. The ending was weak. So, get specific and tell the reader a few of your short term goals for trying to make a change in India. :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Sample: "Scientific Fact Invariably Proves to be Inaccurate" [3]

Impressive writing! Let me make some suggestions.

Almost anything is as much something as it is nothing.---no commas. But should it say everything instead of anything?

Try to always use a word other than thing... thing is too vague and weak.
Science has proven a lot of things hypotheses: that water conducts electricity; planets orbit the sun; even that the world isn't flat -- to name a few. But to hold it in casual disregard, simply because in the past, 'facts' have been inaccurate, is erroneous for a number of reasons.

Use the prefix "non"
even in a nonscientific field.

In nonscientific theory -- religion, if you will -- plausibility has...

The physiological response is for the fish to adapt to warped reality, and what we'd embrace as skewed, becomes normal for the fish, and vice versa.---This is a very good sentence.

Why are we right, and the fish wrong? ---Excellent, you have a great style and impressive critical thinking skill.

Scholarship / Hooked on Running - how it affected my life (scholarship) [3]

Hi Nicole and Delilah, thanks for making this a great thread.

If it is too long, I'll kill sentences below...

Running; the act of traveling on foot at a fast pace over a continually repeated period of time. Yes, this is t The dictionary's definition of running doesn't even begin t o approach the way I view running. After being on my school's Varsity Cross-Country team for three consecutive years and running during all off-seasons as well, I can truly say that running has changed my life. you should end this first paragraph with a concept that is not so simplistic. Try to express the way your idea differs from the definition. Then, after giving a powerful sentence, end the first paragraph.

I decide how long I run for. I decide how far I run. In general, life is filled with many obstacles, and running symbolizes how I have the ability and strength to overcome these obstacles. ----excellent!!

...reach any other way. It's my calm during a storm, my sanity amongst chaos. I can truly and honestly say that I am hooked on running. The last sentence was too simplistic and vague, nothing but a figure of speech ("hooked on") used in an ambiguous way. But now that I killed that last sentence, you have this excellent sentence at the end... the one that ends with chaos!! Very good stuff there...

Writing Feedback / Improving your knowledge and dealing with other people - reasons to attend school [7]

Depending on According to my friends' and my own experiences, the answer to this topic question is: to learn things you don't know yet.

... prepared to face different challenges that you've never met before. ---If you say different AND "that you've never met" it is too much... so I took out "different"...

Great sentence here: We can adjust our attitudes to be less subjective after every argument, and we can try to understand other people's standpoints whenever we have conflicts with them.

I think this is also a reason why people choose to attend the university instead of other forms of education.

Although, there will certainly be somebody who disagrees with my points of view, I still believe that most of the people will agree with me. Because there are some significant issues we have to learn in our life, and improving your knowledge and dealing with other people properly are sort of these important lessons we should take reasons for attending the university. If you...

:-)

Undergraduate / "peer-pressure has lost its grasp on me" - UBC Supplemental - Ethical Dilemma [5]

I guess I feel like this is not original enough. It is a story that has been told many times. How about something very interesting? It will be great if you had an ethical dilemma that caused you frustration, and in order to avoid the dilemma you need to get a great education in your chosen field. You might want to write about a dilemma that has something to do with your chosen field.

I like the style you used to tell the story here, though. Cool details. For example, I like the detail about "partly because I was busy..."

:-)

Still, I think this is too common... an old story!

Scholarship / "responsibility" - What is the most important thing to you and why? [5]

It's not good to write about an abstract concept. What if someone wrote about their laptop being most important? Or what if it was their favorite pen? Those might be more interesting, because they raise questions in the reader's mind.

But if you just write about "responsibility," the reader will know that it is just going to be a lot of preaching and philosophizing. :-)

Undergraduate / "an ethical dilemma that you encountered" - UBC Supplemental for Commerce, starting? [8]

First, you have to get into that inspired state of mind. Think back to the last time you were excited about something you were writing. How can you approach this new task in an inspired way?

Get excited about expressing some important truth through an anecdote about a dilemma. You can express any truth you want to express. If I wanted to express a truth about why I am so motivated to become a humanitarian design activist, I would discuss an ethical dilemma that involved my inability to help people in need and a decision I needed to make because of not having the necessary education in design activism.

Know what I mean? Make this an anecdote with a spacial meaning to share.... and let that meaning have something to do with your academic/career plan.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "early childhood teachers and classrooms" - article reflection [4]

Okay Sylvia Brown, let's simplify this intro:
To begin with, m My two little critiques are about the vagueness of the article.

First, in their first study (e.g., the free toy choice situation), they asked children to construct an imaginary exciting scene and the descriptions were recorded. Also, "If nothing exciting was described about the scene, the children were asked ...----Keep it consistent (i.e. "children")

Oh, I think you made a good point about their interpretations of the words...

However, it is a pity that the authors did not provide explanations of this finding.----You gave some very astute criticism.

Here is an idea... you might enjoy using these concepts in your critique: internal and external validity.

Great job!

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree that people benefit more traveling in their own country ...? [3]

Recently, people have more chances to travel around the world, and it has become more affordable.

They travel not only their own local country but also other foreign countries. such as: China, America, Australia or Europe. It is not good to give random examples. Also, Europe is not a country.

Some people want to pursuit pursue more fun or explore more of the world.

...will hold that traveling in their own can learn more or others will pose the they encounter more stuff in foreign countries. Ah! I don't know how to fix this sentence. You should divide it into 2 smaller, simpler sentences.

In my opinion, traveling in my own country indeed has more solid background in my mind. Again, here, you have to change the end of the sentence so that it is simple and clear. I don't know exactly what you mean.

The discussion you gave in the second half of the essay is very good!! Even though some of your sentences were unclear, the overall meaning is clear. Keep it simple, and keep practicing.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - museums and art galleries will disappear soon? [2]


I don't think Chinglish is something to avoid. People from different parts of America and Europe speak very different kinds of English. Everyone has their own way. You have a great style already.

Thanks, Duminda, for the great edit here!

Here is another one I found:
Although modern technology make makes it possible, I still believe some museums and art galleries will not disappear.---I agree!

In conclusion, I admit that modern technology has provided a more convenient and comfortable manner way for people to watch exhibitions, but museums and art galleries are necessary to and should be preserved for its their importance in education and culture.

Great job!!
I came to this thread because I saw advice you gave in another thread: "Go to unanswered often, especially Shrek Fiona."

Letters / Research Studentship - covering letter or letter of application for PhD studentship [11]


Yes, I believe you. Please see the TOS, though (link at the bottom of the screen). It cannot be posted here if it appears elsewhere on the Internet.

About whether it should be more conventional, I think it should be. It is indeed very abstract. So, I suggest using a few short sentences with good action verbs and "imagery words," and make a statement to the reader about what you intend to do.

Make a statement like that in the first paragraph, and then you can give this same discussion but make sure it is being used to help explain your meaning.

Your essay should have one central meaning, one message. It should be a letter about what you intend to do. Make it an interesting plan! :-)