Undergraduate / 'observing and listening to people' - USC Short Answers - Academic Interest [6]

It's good if you included the prompt too so that we can make more relevant comments. Anyway, I guess it is about why you chose USC , isn't it?


I fell in love with USC instantly when I visited the campus last year with my father who is a past student.


Also I had the opportunity to stay with my friend who lives in the Fluor Tower for nine days including Thanksgiving day.
Well, in my view, you should have said these things through your experiences. Tell them why you fell in love with USC; what features of USC had you most attracted to it? ; What were your experiences being with your friend in the campus?



Growing up in a diverse environment, I developed a passion for learning human behavioral patterns.


That was the advent of my desire for learning human psychology.
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Ielts: cement and concrete production graph [4]

The diagrams describeillustrate the processes of cement and concrete production for construction purpose. ..."illustrate" is a better word.


.... this is not well presented. This task is aimed at testing your report writing capabilities, so you have to adopt a tone that goes well with report writing. Tell things straight and sound more official :D

Also, this paragraph should give an overview of the graphical presentation by discussing the major trends. So this is what I suggest;
The first diagram presents the steps of the process of cement production while the second diagram illustrates the percentage contribution of each raw material for concrete production.

Follow this structure for this task;
1. Introduction
2. Overview
3. Details

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic - Rules on loan and credit card [6]

Introduction of credit cards hashave accelerated the debt rateindebtedness of a person, which many a them may find it hard to replay. The argument put forth is, more stringent rules should be framed for borrowing money in order to ensure that people spend money wisely.

Good introduction! :)


.... this is happening anway :)
I find a fundamental error with your approach. Let's look at the prompt;


.... this does not ask you the ways of making it difficult for individuals to borrow money for which you have answered in this essay. It actually asks you that whether you agree on this statement or not.

Writing Feedback / 'Women less appreciated in society?' - an IELTS exam [6]

Since the dawn of human ingenuity, women and men have had different roles to play in the community


It's better you clearly expressed the opinion in the introduction itself. It is a nicer way to conclude your introduction.


..."To begin with" is a better phrase to use. Well, men are stronger than women, but women have more stamina than men. So, in activities that needs more stamina, women may perform better than men. My advice for you is avoid making stereotype statements.

To begin with, it is obvious that men and women differ in their physical strengths.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Why some like to engage in dangerous activities? 'joy and happiness' [3]


.... happiness or thrill? or entertainment?... I think happiness is not the most appropriate word :)


This sentence does not provide much value to your essay. The reader expects you to do this.


You should provide specific examples in the body paragraphs in order to support your reasons that you use to justify your opinion. I don't find such specific examples in this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Mobile phones & the Internet are very useful [5]

First, include your prompt together with your essay so that we can provide you with more relevant comments.
The invention of mobile phones and internet hashave brought significant convenience to our lives in recent years.

Writing Feedback / You should not believe everything that you read in the newspaper. [3]


This means you are in favor of another point too. If not this should be rephrased;
I am too in favor of this point.


The actual reason here is that newspapers are keen on sensational news in order to sell their newspapers. Therefore they often do not bother about the genuineness of news, but care more about their sensational effect. You should focus on this point more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Development of a country Vs pollution and environmental damage [4]


.... actually you do not discuss the reasons in the introduction because the objective of the introduction is to introduce your topic effectively to the reader.

Essays / Business Plans and Why You Need One [2]

I don't understand why you have a list of questions in this thread :(
What is the purpose of posting them here? You should always include the purpose of your post to get others' help for them. Do you need others' help to answer them or you have mistakenly not attached their answers to get others' feedbacks?

Undergraduate / Me and my father; His hardened bark was slowly peeling off. [3]

First, I need to make an admin request - Please provide a more meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a new thread. (This one is attended by me) It is a forum rule as well as it helps you attract others' attention and earn more meaningful comments.


Ever since I can remember, there was a massive gap between my father and me.


... like the wall clock in my grandfather's warehouse that had stopped its chimes long ago.


I could arrange the dishes as I wanted and did not have to quarrel over the TV programs
I think you've done a good job! Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Uniquely Latina; EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES [2]

It is better you include the prompt with the essay. Then we can align our comments more with what the prompt requests.


... I wish you rephrased this line;
The Latino Culture Club in my high school was on the verge of termination at the time I joined the club.
You better mention a few reasons why it was so and what motivated you to revive its activities. Try and talk through experiences than giving them an account of what you did. Add more emotions and feelings to your writing.

Scholarship / I BELIEVE - NTU SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY (MY VALUES AND BELIEFS) [2]


I strongly believe in the quote " Shraddha Aur Saburi", meaning "Patience and Dedication" in Sanskrit.


People often misunderstand excellence for success for which we get ourselves involved in the rat race.


Success invariably will follow you when you excel, like when you are dedicated to what you do.

Undergraduate / "Medical Supplies" - UC Application Essay #1 - Essay about the world I come from & dreams [4]


.... helped you with reducing one word :D


I feel you have achieved this because your response is in line with;
- "World" is a versatile term. The prompt gives "your family, community and school" as examples of possible "worlds," but they are just three examples. Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? Is it your team? The local animal shelter? Your grandmother's kitchen table? Your church? The pages of a book? Someplace where your imagination likes to wander? ... this is my framework for this task :D

Writing Feedback / The effects of technology on children - NEGATIVE/ POSITIVE [2]


I don't find this an interesting hook statement. You can do better with your opening sentence :)


This is all very very confusing :( You have to rephrase this sentence.
Technology is a very broad term. It seems you focus more on information and communication technology here. If so, you need to specify that to the reader.

Undergraduate / Traditional loving and supportive upper-middle class family; UC -world you come from [3]

Well, I think the following caption I took from a website would be helpful for you to check whether your response is in line with this prompt;

- "World" is a versatile term. The prompt gives "your family, community and school" as examples of possible "worlds," but they are just three examples. Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? Is it your team? The local animal shelter? Your grandmother's kitchen table? Your church? The pages of a book? Someplace where your imagination likes to wander?

- Focus on that word "how." How has your world shaped you? The prompt is asking you to be analytical and introspective. It is asking you to connect your environment to your identity. It is asking you to project forward and imagine your future. The best responses to prompt #1 highlight your analytical abilities.

- Avoid the obvious. If you write about your family or school, it's easy to focus on that teacher or parent who pushed you to excel. This isn't necessarily a bad approach to the essay, but make sure you provide enough specific details to paint a true portrait of yourself. Thousands of students could write an essay about how their supportive parents helped them succeed. Make sure your essay is about you and isn't something that thousands of other students could have written.

- Your "world" doesn't have to be a pretty place. Adversity sometimes shapes us more than positive experiences. If your world has been filled with challenges, feel free to write about them. You never want to sound like you are whining or complaining, but a good essay can explore how negative environmental forces have defined who you are.

- Stay on target. You have just 1,000 words with which to answer prompts #1 and #2. That's not much space. Make sure every word you write is necessary. Keep these 5 essay tips in mind, follow these suggestions for improving your essay's style, and cut anything in your essay that isn't defining your "world" and explaining "how" that world has defined you

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay youth criminals should be punished in the same way as adults ? [4]

Very good introduction - Good structure, vocabulary , grammar etc. :)


A teenage murderer would not feel guilty or afraid of the criminal justice system
You need to provide specific examples for your reasoning in the body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / EXPLAIN THE CHARACTER OF MR LURIA in " The Halawe'en Party " short story ; Prose essay [4]


He can sometimes be harsh on certain acts of his family members, for example when they go for a Halloween party. However, he always thought that whatever he did was in the best interest of his family.


Unlike their father, Mr Luria's children, who were born and raised in Canada, perceived things differently, especially regarding the religious views.


They could not understand their father's obsession with religion because they never experienced any religious discrimination when they grew up in Canada.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Should teenagers have paid jobs while they are students? be independent [4]

First, I have to request you to open all TOEFL essays in Writing Feedback Forum which is the right forum for TOEFL essays.( This one I moved from Student Talk to Writing Feedback.) Then include the essay prompt with your essay so that others can provide you with more relevant feedbacks. Please follow these instructions when you open new threads.

Undergraduate / The piano accompaniment began and I started to sing; UC - TALENT (Personal Statement) [3]


I started feeling nerves and couldn't face the daunting audience. My voice was flat and lacked confidence, passion or excitement.


After that day I quit my voice training classes in hope of avoiding another such embarrassing performance again.


As I grew older, my stage phobia became more apparent. ... stage phobia means fear of speaking in public

Writing Feedback / Building a large factory in our community - Advantageous or disadvantageous? [4]



I always advise to include the prompt with the essay so that others can provide more meaningful feedbacks. It looks like you have gone a bit out of topic here. I guess your prompt talks about your view on building a new factory in your neighborhood, isn't it? I like if you post your topic here, so that I will provide you my feedback how to align your essay with what your prompt requires.

Undergraduate / 'A country with economical discrepancy' - UC PERSONAL STATEMENT 1 [3]


Well ... I think you need to make use of every word you write here to make your response meaningful. I find what you've said above does not contribute to any value addition to this response. You are supposed to write about the WORLD you come from - Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? .... So, I don't understand why you included this sort of comparison.

Writing Feedback / "Every coin has two sides"; Effects of globalization - discuss [7]

First, I have an admin request for you - Please open IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum. This one I moved from Essay/Term papers.


You need to improve the structure of your introduction - I provided you a framework in your other essay.
It seems you can write well and if you pay more attention to your essay structure, you can surely go for a very good score :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Teaching children at home or put them in school- pls review n comment [6]

Learning is one of the happiest experiences in a child's life.

Writing Feedback / I learn about who I am; DEPRESSION & ANXIETY [4]


... it sounds too general when you declare that everybody experience these things everyday. There may be people who are free from such feelings, may be they experience them once in a way, but certainly not everyday.

People experience anxiety or depression in their lives quite often.

Writing Feedback / Have you ever felt like you don't recognize the feeling of being happy anymore? [3]


This sentence sounds better if you present it in a more simplified version;
Have you ever felt that you don't feel happy anymore?


That is exactly I feel almost everyday; I cannot escape from the feelings of pain, sadness and sorrow.


....it is an incident rather than a feeling

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT - altruistic behavior (Integrated Writing) [4]

The topic of the passage and the lecture talkstalk about the side effects of those who practice altruistic behaviors
the lecture explicitly refutes the passage in some points


... this is an incomplete sentence... what happens in a group of meekrats?
Overall, your structure seems to be pretty ok.... pay attention to the minor errors you made.

Undergraduate / My parents are Mexican immigrants; UC-world you come from [3]


Like in many other immigrant families, I too was constantly encouraged to strive hard in academics in order to obtain a better future.


I was one among many of my friends who frequently wondered why our parents were pushing us hard and expected us to follow their instructions.


Above you say that children are encouraged to study and therefore this line is contradicting what you said above. So, you need to present it a bit differently.

Undergraduate / TRAVEL TO THINK AS AN INTELLECT AND ADVENTURE AS AN EXPLORER - World you come from [4]

Well... I have mixed feelings.... Yes, you talk enough how those travelling experiences influenced your perception about the world and also your character. However, I feel this is an ideal response if you are to talk about your interests. When you are to talk about the world you come from I find it pretty hard to see this response in that light. Have a look at the following description which I found when searched for t a guideline for this particular task;

- "World" is a versatile term. The prompt gives "your family, community and school" as examples of possible "worlds," but they are just three examples. Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? Is it your team? The local animal shelter? Your grandmother's kitchen table? Your church? The pages of a book? Someplace where your imagination likes to wander?

Graduate / You are what you believe yourself to be; Short Statement of Purpose for the scholarship [4]


Well, it is better you mention why you intend to acquire an in-depth knowledge in this field. Briefly mention about your goals.


What is the link between your childhood interest and the field you chose to study. I understand that they are very loosely connected and therefore these lines do not add any value to your response :(

Writing Feedback / Financing artists from tax payer's money - Ielts [3]


It is important to maintain a balanced approach.


.... this is too complicated. It is nicer if you concluded your introduction with a clear statement that delivers your opinion to the reader. Your prompt asks for it and better do it in the introduction itself and then take your reader through your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / 'Why don't we use laughing gas in wars?' [3]


God created the world and the man made the town! Isn't it true?


He had changed almost everything that he had his eyes set on.


... there is redundancy



Greed began to drive the man and war became an inevitable outcome of it.

Graduate / 'Advertising and shaping my personality' - a general Statement of Purpose [4]

That was my first experience of an 'advertisement' in its most pure form to my artlessnaive mind.


"my mind" gets repeated too often. You better rephrase this line.


I cannot get your idea very clearly here.... Is it that you say this had been the era in which Indian and Western advertising took a different turn?


Yes.... take this advice more seriously. These are essential features that SOP should cover. Here's a guideline for you to see whether these features are included.

Writing Feedback / 'Education and social disharmony' - IELTS [5]


good hook :)


Beautifully presented idea. However, I like if you finished this intro by stating your opinion.
You have excellent writing skills and I am sure you would go for a flying score. Just pay attention to the above point I mentioned earlier.

Wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic- stringent age rules to reduce the road accidents. [2]


Here you assume the reader knows the argument. However, you are supposed to introduce the argument to the reader assuming he or she does not know it :D

Follow the structure for the intro that I provided you for the other essay and conclude the paragraph with a clear statement that presents your opinion.


...an eighteen year old person might hold better driving skills.

Undergraduate / Everybody is different and unique in their own way; RUTGERS U - Community [2]


These are all known facts and the admission panel would not be interested in knowing them. Let's have a look at the prompt:


So what does this prompt asks you? There are two specific things you need to discuss: How will you benefit from Rutgers' vibrant community? How will you contribute to it? Concentrate on them and get your response to tackle those two questions.

Writing Feedback / Why do we need music? 'effect on the infants' [8]

What is the purpose of this writing? Preparing for IELTS? I guess so with your user id :D


Music has been ever evolving from the birth of the mankind ...


Well .... You should first tell the reason and then support it with an example. Here you've done the reverse.
It seems you can write well. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-In some countries, the old age is more valued, while in some countries the youth [14]

Hmmmmm.... good question and tricky too :D
However, your prompt says


... So, in this I feel there is no harm in expressing your opinion in the introduction itself and then discuss both views in support of your opinion.


Yes, you should open another thread for this essay if you intend to receive comments for that. As per forum rules you can have only one essay per thread :)

Writing Feedback / Warnings and smoking - IELTS task 2 Academic. [3]


... well this is not for speech writing, but essay writing. So, avoid unnecessary redundancy.
It is well known that the mortality rate is skyrocketing every year


At this point you shouldn't have narrowed down the scope of your topic to your own country. Talk in general terms and then take that situation in your country for your example.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: People in the past used to be more dependent on one another [2]


This sounds pretty vague :( What sort of transformation it undergoes? Remember, this is your hook statement that needs to capture the reader's attention towards your writing. So, it should be more catchy :)


.... Well this too is taking the reader's attention in a bit different direction. You can have the opening sentence (the hook) a bit more general (but it also should be relevant to the topic) and this second line should quickly start introducing your argument in its real sense.

Writing Feedback / 'Radio and Television users' - IELTS - Line Graph [4]


This is not very clearly presented :(
The line graph illustrates the average percentage of UK viewers (over four years) for Radio and Television during a day in the period of October to December 1992.

I think you follow the most appropriate structure for this task. Overall, you've done a good job :_
Good Luck!