Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6794 / page 59 of 170
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / Expanding a ban on texting, talking on the phone and internet access while driving [5]

Driving is one of the most dangerous things in this world.

Well.... this sentence can make others terrified of driving :D ... Better put it a bit differently;
Driving, if not performed with extreme care, can be a very dangerous activity.
A moving vehicle and all the detractions makesmake some people very nervous about gettingsitting behind a wheel[/quote]

like banning texting and talking on the phone while driving.

like banning the usage of mobile phones
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / International tourism promotes many aspects of the destination country's economy [3]

The last decade has seen an increasing number of tourists travelling to visit natural wonder sights, ancient heritages and different cultures around the world.

travel, visit both mean the same and therefore this sentence has lots of redundancy.

While some people might think that this international tourism has negative effects on the destination countries, I would contend that it has contributed to the economic development as well as preserved the culture and environment of the tourist destinations.

This is ok, but better you split it to two sentences - one to discuss the background of the argument and the other to state your personal view on that. It is always better to conclude the introduction with a clear statement that confirms your position on the argument.

Firstly, international tourism promotes many aspects of the destination country's economy in order to serve various demands of tourists.

Your idea does not flow well;
First, international tourism helps boost the host country's economy by creating a demand for accommodation, transportation, food and other logistical requirements.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS General task 1- You have a full time job and also doing a part time evening course. [3]

I'm writing this letter to inform u that I will not be able to continue the computer diploma course from next month .

.... you have to say either;
I will not be able to continue the diploma course ... OR
I will not be able to attend the classes from next month

i'm Malsha Perera and my student ID is 3990.

You need to start the letter with these details. First introduce yourself and then tell the purpose of writing. Then give reasons for such decision. Finally tell them what you plan to do.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Parents' involvement with their children's studies - Past Vs Present [4]

It is always recommended to conclude your introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion about the argument. I guess I suggested you a more appropriate structure for the introduction in one of your previous essays. That structure is more organized and also that can help you earn a better score. Here you have not followed that structure and hope you would give it a look and follow it in your future essays. Also, it is good if you include the full prompt in your essay so that we know exactly what it requires from you.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Undergraduate / "You need braces";Crooked Smile - Personal Quality [4]

I find this is very inspiring. I like the way you present this, especially the line;

From the time I broke my front tooth while playing with my brother, to the time when I found out that I have a set of extra teeth, my teeth tell a story.

It sends a strong message out and very touchy too. I think you've done a good job.

I have visited and continued to visit countless orthodontists hoping to stir up the courage to take initiative to get braces and fix my teeth for health reasons.

... This should be in past tense, isn't it?

They represent the anxiety I have had in the past about my appearance and how others perceive me.

Well done!
Good luck with your application!
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: EDUCATION MUST BE COMPULSORY ? [5]

Many people claim that the education is considered as the main key to open a bright future of the world.

Education is considered as the key to success.
You need a hook which is powerful enough to grab the reader's attention towards your writing. It should be clear and relevant and come with a punch.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Undergraduate / an unexpected event changed the course of my life; UT admission -Describe an obstacle [4]

... every single thing that played out that afternoon.

Up to this very day, I can well remember every single detail of what happened that afternoon.

there was a quiet knock on the door.

....cannot be quiet as it does means there's no noise. Do you mean quite?

5five men barged into our house.

.... better have letters in essay in writing.

I helplessly witnessed how each one of them terrorized my family.

They began to terrorize us.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Undergraduate / DEVELOPING TO OUR FULLEST POTENTIAL - Wisconsin Madison ; UNNOTICED [2]

I barely got out from house, nor I havehad many friends.

.... I guess this is not the case with you now and this is what you were earlier :D

It never crossed my mind that it would be a turning point of my life.

I didn't have the least idea that it would be a turning point in my life.

There was a time when I burst to tears for how frustrating Eric had been.

There were times that I burst into tears for not being able to tolerate Eric's demands.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Different Reasons for attending college or universtiy [6]

Nowadays, peoplenormally attend college or university for many reasons since both college and university provide ample advantages to them, not merely increased knowledge and being more educated.

... well, I find several redundant words here. This is the hook of your essay and it should be powerful enough to give the reader a punch and grab his attention to your writing.
dumi   
Nov 13, 2013
Undergraduate / What is one of the most difficult things you have ever done or experienced? -250 words,BYU [3]

I was looking forward to my senior year in high school. I was living in Tomball, Texas, and was surrounded by loving family and friends.

.... No major issues with grammar, but I wish you start the second sentence a bit different as "I was" part gives a repetitive effect.

Having arrived in this diverse country brought many challenges to me.

... diverse in what sense? culturally diverse? You need to specify that!... also, is it diverse or something very different from what you already experienced?
Having arrived in this ???? diverse country, I was faced with many new challenges.
dumi   
Nov 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay: Modern communication systems benefit many people yet there are some [3]

Nowadays, modern technological developments in many fields are bringing enormous changes in our daily lives than it was in earlier centuries.

This idea seems to be dragged too much. This is your hook (I have suggested the structure for your introduction in one of your previous threads) and therefore it should be more interesting.

One of the greatest technological developments mostly affected to human beings life is modern communication system.

One of the fields that had great technological developments is the information communication systems.

Even many people compliment the benefits of modern communication systems, there are some individuals who disagree with its gaining .

Even many people acknowledge the benefits of modern communication systems, there are some individuals who disagree with that idea.
dumi   
Nov 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / Will traditional skills die off due to technological advancement? [6]

its about improvement of technology forcing traditional skill and lifestyle to day out.. I agree with the topic and tried to explain economy being to root influencing the technology to force lifestyle and traditional skills to die out. do u think i am not replaying the topic ?

Yes... I think you need align your writing more with the topic. Technological advancement has an impact on economic growth, but this does not seem to be in direct relationship with your prompt. Talk about what sort of impact technology will impose on traditional skills. Will they die down due to inventions of new technology? Your writing should revolve around that !
dumi   
Nov 12, 2013
Research Papers / How do you "show" instead of "telling" in a Global warming research essay? [2]

I am suppose to write an essay where I need to "show" instead of "telling" in the essay, I am confused about this topic.

The best way to show rather than telling is having more examples to support your claims. Let's take each question;

What happens if the global warming is real and we take action?

Tell what you think will happen and give some evidence to convince the reader. You can google on this topic and find many ideas. try this link'; aip.org/history/climate/impacts.htm

Same way you can tackle other two questions too :)
dumi   
Nov 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS - What are the advantages and disadvantages of text message and email? [2]

In this essay, I will discuss about the advantages as well as the disadvantages which these technologies bring to us.

.... This is what your prompt requests from you, so the reader expects you to do that. Therefore I feel this sentence does not add much value to your essay. However, you could have said that idea a bit differently not disturbing its flow;

However, there are these new technologies have both advantages and disadvantages.
It seems you have very good writing skills. This essay too is written very well. Wish you good luck with IELTS!
dumi   
Nov 11, 2013
Writing Feedback / Will traditional skills die off due to technological advancement? [6]

Some argue that the significant impact makes it spotless to put an effort on keeping traditional skills and lifestyle a life.

This sentence is not very clear and you need to introduce the background of this issue more clearly.

However, I believe the economic competition between the countries is so high that makes it hard for traditional skills and way of life to survive

Your prompt does not talk about any economic competition, but how technological advancement would impact on traditional skills. Therefore I fee this sentence goes out of topic. You need to present your position in the argument very clearly and it should also be aligned with your topic.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / information technology make a polarised society and this will lead to serious social [5]

Without seeing your full essay title it is difficult to make meaningful comments. Hope you will post it here.

The growth of technology keeps movingunexpectedly.

unexpectedly? I don't think so because we expect the technological growth every minute :D
The growth of technology keeps moving forward at a fast pace.

People are doing their best for this invention

.... what invention? You need to assume that reader knows nothing about your topic. So you need to introduce it in the introduction following the structure I mentioned to you in one of my previous posts.

Once the technology is developing, it is easy for the people toapproachacquire the updated information.

dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / why do we need music? Traditional Vs Contemporary Music [9]

Hiii.... dumi
thank u so much for your advice
actually i am poor in ENGLISH LANGUAGE...
i dont know it can possible or not to get band 7 in my IELTS..
SO Please help me
could you please give these advices
again thanks for your help for above task...

No worries dear.... this forum is a collaborative platform where we help each other having one goal in mine, which is improving our English writing skills.

many countriespeople prefer music because it is also one of the parts of their life that'sway all countries are like to prefer that.

... it's not the country that prefers music, but the people. Also, this sentence is pretty confusing. Don't write lengthy sentences. Write short sentences to include one idea per one sentence. It is the best way to take a start and move forward.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Eight houses, four cities, four different schools; UC-world you come from [3]

John Michael, I've had enough! Go to your room, pack up your belongings and get the hell out of my house before I make you leave. As I processed these words, It became clear to me that it was once again time or yet another move. Eight houses, four cities, four different schools, Hundreds of thousands of miles driven, countless relationships gained and lost.

I like this part... it well presents the background you grew up.

After my parents' divorce, I felt an ever increasing need to grow up, a term which I view from a different perspective than most.

After my parents' divorce, I felt the need for growing up sooner, which I viewed from a different perspective than many others.

that being the realization of the need to become self-sufficient.

....that being the realization of the need to be in charge of myself.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Given is a bar chart illustrating the amount of rice production in ten top nations in 1999 [9]

oh, really sorry. I closed a file docx to describle about my essay. May be It had some errors during uploading my file. I'll try again.

No worries :D Now it's ready for me to comment on your essay :D

Given is a bar chart illustrating the amount of rice production in ten top nations in 1999.

....Introduction - this is good

On particularly interesting fact highlighted by chart is that the major of ten top rice producing countries located Asianregion
areawhich had traditional about planting wet rice. We can also see that American is the smallest rice producing
of ten countries and only country outside Asia.

.... this para should give the reader an overview on the graph. Since this is report writing task, you should tell things very concisely in a more official tone that suits reporting something. For the overview, you need to pick the most obvious trends and should not tell anything outside the graphical presentation. That is why I removed the part "which had traditional about planting wet rice". This is what I suggest;

It can be seen that out of the top ten rice produces, nine of them are Asian countries with China being the largest rice producer. America is the only non Asian country which secures the tenth place in world rice production.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Paying tax is favorable for state, Agree or Disagree? {IELTS} [2]

Hi,
There are few admin point you need to follow. First, include your essay prompt in the essay so that others know exactly what it expects from you. Second, open all IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum. These actions will help you earn more meaningful comments.

And a state State runs hisits government from people tax

.... State and government both mean the same. So this sentence should read as;
A government make its revenue through taxation that helps meet its expenditure.

As a responsible citizen I believe in paying tax.

This introduction is pretty good, but you have missed out the essential feature of introducing your argument. Tell the reader the two views and then conclude the introduction stating your opinion. The above sentence is pretty good for that purpose.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Graduate / Statement of Purpose-SCAD-Animation-MFA-Review [2]

In my view, a SOP is the best opportunity for you to introduce yourself as a person to the admission panel. So it should not sound like a list of things that you did and intend to do in the past. Instead it should present your proudest accomplishments alongside your fondest hopes and dreams.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Given is a bar chart illustrating the amount of rice production in ten top nations in 1999 [9]

It's the first time I write a essay in here. Anyone can help me to check errors in my essay. Thanks you in advance.

Ok.... then I have a few admin stuff to tell you :D
First, you should have a more meaningful title for your essay, that is a forum rule as well as it helps you gain attention of others that earns you more feedbacks. Also, by doing so you make my life easier :D

Second, it is better you mention the purpose of your essay in the title itself. I guess this is written for IELTS Task 1. Third, you should upload the graph for others to see, using the "Attach file(s)" option above.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Parents try to help children to be successful in their academic performance [4]

From early times educated people have special respect in their society.

Educated people are received with much respect in our society.

Nowadays, in most of the countries primary school is the least level of the education.

I don't find this has much relevance to your topic and also for the flow. Now quickly start introducing the background of the argument.

It is always good to conclude your introduction with a statement that clearly express your view. I have suggested you the structure for the introduction in your previous essays. I wish you followed it. :)
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: governments should pay for the public service or arts? [9]

As long as you use the word appropriately, it does not matter. Lots of people who prepare for IELTS try to use synonyms having this fear. However, what is more important is you express your ideas clearly and effectively. If synonyms disturb that then no point in using them because they do a greater damage than redundant words. In this case you can use the word authority for government.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Read for pleasure can help develop better imagination and language skills than watching TV [3]

First, you should post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Had you included the prompt, it would have been easier for us to align our comments with what it requires. Please do it next time when you open a new thread. Also, are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL?

Yes.... It is easy for us to provide you with more meaningful and task related comments if know the purpose (IETLS, TOEFL, GRE etc.). Please include the purpose in your essay title itself.

In other words , reading is a form of visual exercise, which will be helpful to human imagination as well as creativity.

.... Well ....you need to give more clarification on this to the reader... what do you mean by visual exercise and how it can improve imaginations? You need to support this claim with some specific examples. Otherwise it is not a convincing statement.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / The day my pet dog died was the most unforgettable day in my life! [4]

First, you should have a more meaningful title for your essay in the subject field when you open a new thread. It is a forum rule and also it helps you earn more meaningful feedbacks.

I really never understood the meaning of death or the purpose of it.

... how about "purpose of life"?
I really never understood the meaning of death or the purpose of life.

All I could understand is that it comes uninvited unexpectedly and it is inevitable, for all life will come to an end one day.

Well... this is exactly what death means and this sentence gives a different meaning to what you just said in your previous sentence. This one challenges your claim that you didn't understand what death mean. I feel you need to pay attention to this.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Destiny and Character; "Your moments of decisions affect your Destiny" [4]

One point being that mankind has control over his future.

One point being that man has some control over his future.

For example, a man may want to exit a supermarket and he sees two doors from which he could exit; one door on the right and the other on the left. He may then ask himself," What door shall I pass through?'' Obviously, he can pass through any of the doors he wants to, so let's just assume he exited using the door on the right.

I feel this is not a very good example. In this case, you need something more serious to show as an example. I feel you should pick a case where a wrong decision would lead to a failure and a right decision to success. This example sounds a bit too technical and does not really align with the seriousness of the topic you are discussing.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: governments should pay for the public service or arts? [9]

Nevertheless, there is no doubt that as taxpayers, who paidpay a large amount of tax to country , have rights to enjoy the public service that paidis afforded by the governmentgovernments .

This sentence should be in present tense.

the statesgovernments spend too much money on economic development but ignoring the raise of living standard.

The State refers to the government, but then you need to capitalize it to avoid confusion because the word "state" has many meanings. "Government" is a more appropriate word for this idea.
dumi   
Nov 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / The natural resources are being consumed at an alarming rate.What does it cause?how solve? [5]

Although serious problems have arisen as a result of this,there are solutions and the state should raise environmental awareness amongest the general piblicpublic.

The second part of the sentence should be taken into a new sentence. It's a new idea. Also, had you concluded your introduction without extending further into that idea, I feel it reads better;

Although serious problems have arisen as a result of this, however, there are some solutions to address them.
Now the reader will move into the body paragraphs with you wanting to find what those problems and the solutions.

,I would have to say thtthat economy and environment are not completely contradictory,but an interactive relationship

dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Research Papers / Presentation about the consequences of childhood obesity. [3]

Alright.... what do you expect from us ? You need to clearly state what sort of help you expect from others. Do you need ideas as to how you should proceed? Or you need us to agree upon the structure you give above? We have no idea as to what you want us to do :(

If you want us to edit your paper, then post your draft and we will attend to it.
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some people prefer travelling alone; 'meet other traveler' [12]

I wrote the last sentence because my teacher taught me that in the conclusion, it needs a sentence that like a comment (may be off-topic) for the topic

Yes, it is nicer if you finish with a concluding statement that reinforces your position. However, the one you've written fails to do its job and that is why I asked you to remove it. This is my suggestion for such sentence;

These features not only allow us to enjoy the tour with more comfort and ease, but also enable us make life long friendships with very interesting people.
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / The natural resources are being consumed at an alarming rate.What does it cause?how solve? [5]

amongest the general piblicpublic .

... a typo ;)

One of the first problem of this phenomenon is the scarcity of natural resourcsresources .

Well.... the prompt does not ask you for reasons, but what does this issue cause. So, align your writing with its requirement.
I can see you have excellent writing skills. You can easily go for a good band and try for that. Align your writing more with your prompt requirements. Also, practice with time because time factor too is very important thing for this task.

Good luck!
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Do you think in mordern society, wearing formally is still important? [5]

First, you should have included the essay prompt in your post. Then we know exactly what it expects from you. Also I understand you are preparing for TOEFL (you have mentioned that in one of your other essays). Do mention this purpose in every title because that helps you draw others' attention. :)

People nowadays are concerned more about the clothes they wear.

...Need a little re-arrangement of the words;
Nowadays, people are more concerned about what they wear.

Some people enjoy wearing formally, while others like to wearthe casual clothes.

Personally, I think that wearing politelycasually is still critical in our recent society because wearing formally can create a good image of you in front of other people and wearing politelycasually is a way to show the respect to the opposite people.

... "wearing casually" makes sense, but not "politely". Also, this sentence is a bit confusing, especially the latter part of it. Write a simple sentence that expresses your opinion;

Personally, I think it is important that people wear formal dresses.
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Choosing a job is a critical decision in the life of every person. [4]

Choosing a job is a critical decision in the life of every person.

.... good hook!

Many parents want their children to have similar jobs with them, while the children may not want to have these jobs.

Many parents wish that their children would follow their foot steps and do jobs similar to what they do. However, the children may have different interests and views about their future careers.

because children can gain useful help from their parents and they easily follow the steps of their parents in the future.

because they can reap the benefits from their parents' experience, knowledge and contacts in the field.

First of all, the children can have advice from their parents.

children can have their parents' advice because their parents have acquired a good knowledge in that particular field. So, that is the reason and you better start your sentence with the reason.
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Undergraduate / "What does FAMILY mean to you?" ; CENTRAL to IDENTITY [3]

"What does FAMILY mean to you?" my fifth grade teacher asked the class.
"Of course it is father and mother who love you! Every family must have a father and a mother," a proud voice echoed throughout the classroom.

I like this start.... it's quite smart!
"Of course, for me, it is the father and mother who love their kids. No family is complete without both parents", a very confident voice echoed in the classroom.

I can never forget how red and hot my face turned that I felt like a volcano would erupt underneath.

My face turned red instantly and I felt as if a volcano erupted in my heart.

My parents separated before I was born, and my mother raised my sister and me.

My parents separated before I was born and my mother raised both me and my sister on her own.

The hardships eventually compelled her to send us to "foster care", a decision that has shaped my life

The hardest was that I had to grow up mentally with in such a short time.
The desire of becoming strong slowly took its root and remains with me until to datetoday.
I am very impressed how you faced such challenges and very proud of you!.... I wish you every success in life and good luck with your application!
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Undergraduate / I turn to the language of creativity; Extracurricular Activity [4]

A certainly creative and illustrative statement, however your message gets lost in the phrasing at times.

I too agree ... :)

. When I can't explain something with my native language, I turn to the language of creativity.

When I cannot explain things in my native language, my brush came in my aid.

The brush attacks the canvas, twirling the ink to create a whirlpool for my mind to intertwine with reality.

It runs on the canvas,wirling the ink to create a whirlpool for my mind to intertwine with reality

Art has become my passion in which I feel lost without.

Art has become not just my passion, but a part of my life.
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Undergraduate / Being Chinese and adopted ; Central to IDENTITY [4]

Please help with mechanical errors! And if you've got the time, help me assess whether this addresses the prompt well enough and sounds strong. I'm not the most confident writer...
I'll help with any of your essays too, make sure to comment.

I think this is a very strong response. You really have a strong case to present and you've done it pretty good. :)

My brothers have been around together for longer, and share the same father. As for my mother, who raised me alone, the huge generational gap was evident; our morals and personalities simply clashed. When my brothers grew up and moved away and my mom got remarried, my connection with them grew limited and I became more prone to conflict with my mom.

I am a little confused here. You were adopted by an American family, right? So how come your mother raised you on her own? Have they got separated after your arrival? I feel it is better you give more details about this family set up and I think you can add more emotions in this section. They convey strong messages to the reader. :)
dumi   
Nov 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some people prefer travelling alone; 'meet other traveler' [12]

In addition, when going in a tour with group of people, I will meet other travelers and make friends with them. You can have many friends after the tour and share your feeling with them as well. For instance, my mom and dad had a tour to Thailand last month and they told me that they met other parents whose children are at the same age withas me. They became friends and usually talked about the experience in teaching the children. My parents said that there are many useful ways for them to apply on me. After the trip, my parents and other travelers sometimes assemble in a coffee shop at weekend to talk about interesting stories. In short, when you travel in group, you can have new friends and the friendship will last even after the trip.

.... this is pretty good. You start with the reason as to why you like to travel in a group and then explain on that a bit. Then support your reason with an example. Here are my suggestion for the first two lines;

In addition, when you travel in a group, you have the opportunity to meet new people who are your fellow travelers and make friends with them. Such networking opportunities are very useful in life and certainly help broadening our perspectives.

To sum up, I prefer travelling in group to travelling alone, because of the planned trip and new friends. More and more people nowadays have the travel agency plan their trips and they feel very interested in going in the trips like these .

I wish you took the last line off as it does not really make much sense. This is my suggestion for the highlighted section;
...because of the convenience and networking opportunities that group tours do offer.

Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳