It can be seen that overall, we witnessed increase slightly of students in 1999 approximately 16,6 students per lecture.
There is too much redundancy found here .... " It can be seen that overall,", " we witnessed "... they disturb a smooth flow of your ideas. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills and in report writing you need to report things in the clearest and the most concise way. Unlike the IELTS Task 2 in which you enjoy more freedom in expressing your ideas and displaying your vocabulary knowledge, here you need to adopt a more official tone and present ideas in a clear concise manner.
Ok, I see :D They think the doctors can help society from their illness.save others lives which is an honorable deed that cannot be compared to any other contribution.
They think the doctors can help society from their illness. In their opinion, healthy is more important than other things.
Well, don't spend too much time in introducing the background of the issue. Your aim should be to finish the task fast, but completely. Spending too much time in one section is not going to help you :)
Most Americans would agree that childhood and adolescence are undoubtedly some of the most trying periods in one's lifetime.
Nice beginning :) During these times, youthsfaceyouth faces mounting academicemotional pressures like academic challenges and study pressures, pubertal changes, and more complicated social lives - all of whichthem add oncontribute to the stressful nature of maturation. On top of to the stressesthemthat already exist in an adolescent's daily life,(sounds a bit repetitive) children from divorced families are exposed to parental tensions, increasing financial issues, and major changes to the life they are used to.
The amount of money people earning sometimes is unfair.
Earnings of people differ greatly and sometimes it is difficult to justify such differences. In athe field of art, some modern artists may receive high salarypayments for their masterpiececreationcreative works while labors should bewhile some others would break their bones for years to get similarearn that amount of money.
I suggest you to leave a blank line between your paragraphs to present your essay better and impress the reader. Also, I find your writing lacks clarity time to time. Don't give priority to advance vocabulary, that can be very dangerous as synonyms often tend to mean something very different than you expected when those words are used in inappropriate positions :)
The TV audience is pretty less in numbers from 1.00 to 11.00 Thereafter the audience begins to grow and reaches its peak levels after 17.00. After 21.00, the audience shows a sharp decline again in its numbers.
Overall, you have made a Good attempt with detailed paras :)
Hai apsari, hook is a general statement regarding the topic and background means paraphrasing the question. Try to avoid repeating words such as I agree and I think on the other hand instead of in the other hand.
Yes, ammus1 is right about the hook. It is the opening statement that provides a good entrance to your essay. However, why we call it a hook is that it should be able to hook the reader towards your writing. In other words, it should be catchy, interesting, meaningful and relevant to the topic. So, ideally a hook should not be a very long sentence (shorter the better) and should give a stunning start to your essay. If you do not get a very clever idea at once when you begin to write your essay, start with the background section which is easier because all what you've got to do is to paraphrase the prompt. Once you finish the task, you can insert a hook if you've got some more time left :D
Basic needs are important in our society in order to properly prosper and proliferate in this world
This is a pretty weak sentence to be a good hook. Your opening sentence should be very interesting and at the same time meaningful and relevant to your topic. In this case, I believe, it is not the basic needs that are important, but meeting the basic needs of people is the important factor.
When I was in high school, I realized that my dream iswas to be a manager or to pursue a business related career, especially in thean international company. In the senior year, Foreign Trade University (FTU) in Hanoi washad been my very first choice for the reason that it hashad both of my favorite factors:subjects, economics and foreign trade
Many people think that a doctor is more important than investors.
In your prompt it is "inventors" and here you have mentioned "investors". These two words have very different meanings; Inventor - a person who invented a particular process or device or who invents things as an occupation Investor - someone who commits capital in order to gain financial returns Which one is the right word?
thanks ...but that's just one part of my essay ...not whole the essay... anyway..thanks for your feedback
Ok, then re do the whole essay following the structure I suggested you and post it here. :) It is not clear which section you have covered in the above writing. It looks like a body para, but it is too long for a body paragraph. You have to be mindful about the timing for this task. It is very important that you complete it on time and also it contains the necessary features. i.e. Introduction, Body Paras and the Conclusion. I am sure if you follow the above structure, you won't be confused any more :D
Dumi has suggested you an appropriate structure in one of your previous threads. I strongly advise you to follow that if you are very keen on achieving a good score for this task. You basically need -
1. Introduction 2. Overview 3. Detail paragraphs (body paras) In this writing it is difficult to separate and identify your intro and overview :(
Yes, follow dumi's advice on structuring your writing for this task. It is important that you have those three features in your writing - Introduction, Overview, Details
The mostmain purpose people visitof UK travelers was for holidayholidaying and in fourthfifthyearsyear, the number of travelers visiting other countries for holiday purpose increased about10.000people visits.20700.
I didn't find any information with regard to 10000 visitors. You have to be very careful when you write the detail paragraph and should deal with the accurate figures.
The graph shows the unemployment rates in the US and Japan amongfrom March 1993 andto March 1999.
Generally, percentage of work force increase sharply from March 1993 to March 1999 in Japan. Even though in US, percentage of work force decreased sharply every year.
... this is your overview and try to present it as a very generalized observation that covers the main picture of this image based presentation; Overall, the two countries have experienced opposite trends with regard to unemployment rates, Japan having an upward trend while the US has experienced a downward trend during this six year period.
First of all, watching movies at the cinema here in the neighborhood will be a great time to spend with family or friends. We love to watch movies together. Is a plan that all of us in the neighborhood would like to do inside the neighborhood.
Tell how such experience would provide people with great time and then give your example. This is what I suggest; First of all, a facility that is built to provide entertainment is a major break through for the people in our neighborhood as they do not have easy access currently to such places. By building a movie theater, the the people in the neighborhood would be able to spend some quality time with their families and friends during their leisure time.
Well, it is very difficult to understand whether this is a full essay or a part of it. By the way, this is the structure our dumi often suggests for IELTS and TOEFL tasks and I think it can be applied to any ordinary essay.
Pay serious attention to improve your essay structure. Hope you would follow what dumi has suggested. That structure contains all necessary features for you to earn marks as well as it helps you handle time effectively. :)
This phenomenon is also associated with several drawbacks.
Well, if your topic is what your title tells us, then you have gone out of track here. The title asks why people spend lavishly for marriage ceremonies. It does not ask you to discuss pros and cons of this phenomenon. Anyways, you should have included your full prompt in the essay so that we could have had a better idea about what it requires from you.
Hey there, where is your diagram? Use the Attach file(s) feature in the message block to upload your diagram. It is important for us to see it to provide you with more meaningful comments :)
I think that the students are going to school or academy.
None of these sentences provide any idea to the reader. You need to improve clarity of your sentences a lot. Do not try to use more advance words if you are not familiar with their appropriate usage. Synonyms sometimes can be very dangerous as all similar words do not give the same impression.
I guess this is what you attempt to say; First, the students need the support and guidance from a trained and more knowledgeable person to understand more advance concepts. For example, the subjects like Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics etc. are not easy to understand if their concepts and fundamentals are not introduced to the students effectively.
BecauseSince the university students haveare intellectually matured enoughgrown up , they have enoughthe ability to read and understandthe concepts through references from text books .
You have too many reasons in this body para. It is good to have one reason per para and support each reason with a specific example.
Your body paras should not be too lengthy. It might put you trouble as you would not be able to complete the task on time if you spend too much time on them.
Firstly, the whole process starts when frogs mate on the land and it leads their females to lay eggs on the ponds.
Well, the mating part of the frogs not shown or indicated in the diagram. Do not write anything other than what your diagram has presented. This task is to assess your report writing skills and therefore your writing should strictly be limited to what the diagram has presented.
Then, frog's egg crack turn into small embryo that have a tiny body and slippery skin.
The eggs break releasing embryos into the water that have a tiny body with slippery skin.
Firstly, frogs can spend much time in their life in water because frogs are special animal. They can breathe in the water.
These sentences do not provide any useful detailed information to the reader. This is a task that attempts to assess your reporting skills. So your writing should be limited to what you observe in the diagram. You cannot write your opinions here. Instead of the above lines, you should have described the different stages of the frogs life as shown in the diagram.
For this reason, organizations make teams of employees with complementary skills who can work with each other, sharing experiences and completing common taskexerting more force on completing assigned tasks . StaffSuch teams organize their efforts and strategies in a mutually supportive way, so the organization benefits from many ways, like increasing of performance in work production.
As a child, I wondered about voltage and current distribution systems...
I like if this came up earlier. That is to start with how your interest (in the field) developed and then how you pursued your interest.
Also, you do not talk about your future goals. It is important for you to tell them about your aspirations and how this program is going to help you achieve them. SOP is the best opportunity for you to let them (admission folks) stuff that other parts of your application, like transcriptions, recommendation letters etc. cannot tell them.
On the one hand, there are people who believe that artists make the beautiful and relaxing things in our life.
Align your writing more with the topic; On the one hand, we should not forget the contribution that artists make to enhance the quality of our society as well as our lives by their beautiful and meaningful creations.
On the one hand, there are people who believe that artists make the beautiful and relaxing things in our life..
In this para, you need to tell the reader how important the role that artists play in society to have your writing more aligned with the prompt.
Hey...what you have done is a violation of EF rules. You cannot post your essays in image form. You should type it here or copy paste it. I don't think you'd get any meaningful feedbacks if you post your essays like this. It's strange that dumi has not found your post yet. You can certainly have the image containing the table, but your essay , you need to type or copy paste here. Once you do that I too would provide my comments on your writing.
Well, for me, your SOP looks a bit too lengthy. I have seen admission2012 suggesting that your SOP should not be more than 1300 words and I think that's a very wise approach. The SOP tells many things to the admission panel about you that your other parts of the application cannot tell them. This is the chance for them to know you as a person.
Poverty is one of the most arduous challenges facing the world is facing today
Similar to the poor, wealthy countries too are also facing many social problems such as poverty, crime, andv addiction to drugs and alcohol every day.
Throughout history, there are many examples of countries that have overcome poverty and rebuilt their economicseconomies and nation by their own effortsof themselves.alone.
I have originatedcome from a family where the highest priority wasis always given to good education.
The ever increasing applications of computers in technological development demand more efficient networking. Coming from a background of Electronics and Communication Engineering...
I feel you drag a bit too much here. I think you should cut it down a bit more. I find your SOP contains most of the important aspects that should be said in a SOP. It is just this part I feel is a bit more overdone. Overall, I think this is a good SOP :)
Personally, I think it is fair that sportsmen earn more money and I have somedue to several reasons for it.
To begin with, it is an irrefutable fact that sport is a business and most of the profits of sportsmen aredo come from non-governmental organizations and advertisements.
Moreover, the governmental salaries of people, who work in the spheres of sports and entertainment don't differ from the salaries of doctors and teachers largely.
.... hmmmmm... smart point.... however, such people do not belong to the category of sportsmen.
Hey, upload the graph using the Attach file(S) feature in the Message block :) Without seeing that it is difficult for us to give you more meaningful comments :( In 2005, there were number of 50 zebras and 40 buffaloes.
Zebras and buffaloes increased to just under 80 zebras and 80 buffaloes in 2007.
In the year 2007, they increased in their numbers to be just below 80 zebras and 80 buffaloes
Is this essay for practicing for IELTS or TOEFL? Tell us why you wrote it so that we know what it wants from you. When we know that we can give you more meaningful feedbacks.
Dumi and eddies have already given you best advice. Hope you pay attention to them. In addition, I feel you should stick to the 4 para structure. I doubt whether you were able to manage time for this task - seems a bit lengthy. Did you finish it on time?