Writing Feedback / Perhaps food satisfies both the taste buds and the heart [2]


When I was fifteen years old, our family left Vietnam to begin a new life in the United States.



Mine is a dish called pork stew which has a sweet taste and most importantly, it is my grandmother's specialty.


, or most specifically, the sentiments and feelings that we attach to a particular food.

Writing Feedback / Man's Best Friend and Medicine; ESSAY ON ANIMAL THERAPY [4]


... this sentence is too long and contain too many ideas. Therefore, it does not clearly deliver the connection between the first part and the second. I think you need to break up this sentence and re-phrase it to give a clearer picture to the reader.


In the current context, many jobs create high stress levels due to stiff competition and expectations of higher productivity levels. This situation has resulted in people with high stress regardless of their age that even the students have become victims of this issue.

Graduate / PA CASPA Narrative - First time applicant [2]

First, it's good if you have included the prompt with your response. Then we can understand what sort of information it requires from you.


... I am a bit confused about the reason why you wrote this line. Again, it may be because I don't know the prompt.


Did you work as a lifeguard before taking the high school anatomy class?

Writing Feedback / English Informative essay about what people don't know of petroleum engineering. [2]


Many people perceive petroleum engineering is merely something to do with petroleum being converted into gasoline.


.... the last part is a bit confusing, it has some grammar issues too !
However, it is much more than that perception and I would like to explain the main aspects of petroleum engineering; what it is all about; how it contributes to energy supply;what petroleum engineers do; how these engineers face the challenges associated with the enormous demand for power.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: More houses are needed in many countries to cope with increasing people... [3]


... If you change the order of the words, this would sound better;
Today, the population explosion is one of the main issues that our society faces.

Graduate / I was sick with a serious flu ; PharmCAS MAIN ESSAY [4]


I once suffered from a serious flu and was under medication for two weeks.


In the first three days, the symptoms disappeared due to the drugs I took.


.... I feel this is a bit detailed too much. In my view, you shouldn't be this descriptive.

Writing Feedback / major cities are essential sources of information about the culture of a country [5]


In addition, the major cities generally hold the important places and attractions of a country in terms of historical value, economical value and administratio
For example, almost twenty percent of the population of Turkey live in İstanbul, the most important city in my country

Undergraduate / Joe. Essay about a person who has had a significant influence on your life [3]


I used to dismiss Joe, every time he would attempt to create a conversation with me


Nothing about him promoted me to begin a friendship with him.


I thought he was nothing more any other regular kid in my school.

Undergraduate / School & Atlanta communities; Georgia Tech/ Contribution to community [4]


This is the only sentence that talks about how you intend to contribute to their community. This is what they want to know about from your response. Therefore you need to have more emphasis on this fact.Tell it more convincingly with evidence if you have. The first few lines, in my view, are not necessary for this response. So I feel they can even be removed from your response.

Writing Feedback / The Rise of the Indus River Valley Civilizations essay [5]


You need to improve clarity in this introductory paragraph. Improve the presentation of these ideas.


.... they are the first civilization as per the research. Not the first people... there is a big difference in these two interpretations.


What is the link between Egyptian civilization and Indus? You need to establish the link and let your ideas flow in a more logical sequence.

Undergraduate / I express myself through my cakes; When Curiosity Led to Baking [10]


I too agree with Pahan. This is quite interesting writing and I too like your unique style.


Well... I am clear whether this means a physical place or your life journey. I vote for the second prompt "Why do you do what you do?" I feel that is fitting with this response better.

Undergraduate / Give every man thy ear but few thy voice... [4]


.... :D This is very interesting :D


Listening to others help us learn through observations. ... this is my view :)


.... the latter part is not written very well.... I mean it lacks clarity :(
Lots of good points I found in your writing :)

Undergraduate / Life changing actions I made that made me who I am today essay [4]


And after seeing her laying on the floor with scars all over her body, I did it as she taught me.


I didn't really understand the impact my actions would have on my life until my responsibilities began to mount.


Most boys have a father to guide them to become a mam, I had no such one.

Essays / Essay on communication / cross culture and media studies! How to start it? [5]


This forum is a platform where the users share their thoughts on each others' writing. So you need to post your essays and earn feedbacks from others. We do not provide samples or guidelines. Read similar essays and get ideas. Also, do some research on net to find a proper structure for your requirement.

Do your draft and open a new thread to post it. Also, include the prompt as well. We will provide you with our feedbacks.

Undergraduate / People knew me as the "shy girl"; PERSONAL QUALITY [4]


When you say that you had no education, I got a bit confused. You mean to say that you had never attended school before? Have you landed on US as an adult or an infant? All those questions naturally pop up in the reader's mind. So, either you should rephrase that part or be a bit more descriptive on that.


This line is disturbing your flow... you should have taken this to the beginning. Now at this point, the reader's mind is set that you have come to the US and setteled....so don't go back again.

Writing Feedback / Governments &Companies should share their scientific discoveries [2]

It's always better you mention the purpose of your writing in the title. For example, IELTS, TOEFL etc. Then we can align our comments with task requirements. Also, include the prompt in the essay which helps us understand it better.


... I don't understand what you mean by the latter part of this sentence. You need to have a strong hook to open your essay, but it needs to be relevant to the prompt too. It's good if you post the prompt here.

Scholarship / I want to be a nurse: Louisville Scholarship [3]


The University of Louisville features many qualities that appeals to me such as its diverse community, clubs and organizations, infrastructure and most importantly, its location.


I think you need to align your answer more with this prompt.... Some facts are there but I see a poor alignment :(

Writing Feedback / What changes your perception in order to be a better communicator [4]


In high school, I also got involved with Physics Olympiad Team. ... what do you mean by science-based person? Do you mean that it helped you associate with Science themes more?


... I think this is a bit overdone. Well, this gives the reader an impression that you lack well roundness :(

I found many confusing sentences in this essay, mainly due to grammar issues. I think you need to re-do this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Ads result in high sales of well-received consumer goods. Agree or disagree? [4]


Yes.... you should not narrow down the scope of your topic.


...which outweigh advertisements. ... here it refers to the real needs of society, which is plural.


In conclusion, it is the real demand that determines the high sales and not the colorful advertisements.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP TOPIC #1, "So, how do you shower?" he asked. [5]


Very impressive... I think this is very creative writing. I think this answers well to the question on background/ story that is central to your identity. I read it in full and moreover, I enjoyed it.


I think you've done a good job and you can go ahead with this response.
Wish you good luck with your application!
:)

Undergraduate / Turning point in this crazy journey that I call LIFE; BACKGROUND/STORY central to identity [3]

Well, this is all well written, but I feel it is good to have more focus on to your story. I guess you have a word count limitation too. So, I don't feel it is prudent to waste time on things the admission panel already knows about. So, if you really want to get an entrance with this, limit that only to one line and quickly start telling them your story. That is what they are interested in knowing.

Writing Feedback / COMPARE/CONTRAST essay about my mother&sister [4]


.... this is confusing;
Many people are similar in many ways, but certainly have differences too that make them different from other people.


My mother and sister are no exception; They have many similarities, and at the same time many differences too.
In the introduction, just briefly mention the similarities and the differences - Not more than two sentences. Then move into body pargraphs and discuss similarities in one and the differences in the other,

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; The internet provides a lot of valuable information. However,others disagree [5]

Some people believe that several problems occur from anthe information published on the internet.
[quote=pppanta In my opinion, I agree with the latter because the internet givesprovidesdaily necessary information daily, people can gain knowledge and they can explore the world. [/quote].... Well....as an idea wise, I am not in favor of this sentence. I think it lacks logical reasoning.

However, you follow the right structure for the introduction. For last sentence in the intro, I suggest the following;
In my opinion, I believe that the Internet provides valuable information to people that enable them to stay well informed.

Essays / Twelve Angry Men: an exploration man's fallibilities and the essentials of group dynamics [3]


.... I feel explore covers everything that you intend to say.


... I feel some incompleteness in this sentence. Better combine the result of such negative traits too;
He suggests that prejudice, self-interest and ignorance are all negative human traits that manifest negatively in a person.

Undergraduate / Punches, headlocks, and kicks were thrown in a scramble; Common app - FAILURE [3]

Yes.... it is pretty confusing whether which person the won the game. You keep telling your emotions, but the real scene is not properly created for the reader to understand what has really taken place. Since you are supposed to talk about your Failure, you need to give more prominence to that fact.

Because, it is easy to delve on past mistakes

Letters / 'member of Georgian Evaluation Association' - Letter on description of my current position [2]


This sentence is pretty long. The whole para consists of just one sentence, which does not help you with clarity of the sentence. :(
Currently I am a member of the Georgian Evaluation Association (GEA) and I work there as a Development and Administrative Assistant. GEA is a unique Georigan Non-Governmental Organization that is involved with institutionalization of the Evaluation process and forming a field of evaluation that would meet international standards in order to maintain the growth of qualified evaluator carders while ensuring their professional development.

Writing Feedback / what are benefits of shopping online. [4]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for IELTS, TOEFL etc.? It's better you mentioned the purpose so that we can align our comments with those task requirements.


One of the greatest aspects


.... some of them are saving time, having more variety and obtaining the best price deals.


.. don't forget the very basic, but the golden rule of starting sentences with capital letters in essay writing. :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS : IN MANY COUNTRIES TODAY INSUFFICIENT RESPECT GIVEN TO OLD PEOPLE >... [5]


... there are many mistakes in this sentence. You should not write lengthy sentences as they get you carried away at the end. Pay more attention to clarity of your sentences. It's very important.

In your body paragraphs you need to support your reasons with specific examples. You haven't done that in this essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Why people attend universities? [3]


... I don't find any relevance between this sentence and your topic. This is your hook and it should be relevant to the topic as well as should be powerful enough to grab the reader's attention.

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay : Living on campus [8]


This is a good introduction. However, it's even better if you start it with a hook statement that can grab the reader's attention. The hook should be relevant to your topic too.


..."living on campus" is getting repeated. This is what I suggest;
Another advantage of living on campus is that it provides an ideal environment for studying.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'analogous concern and money' - financial support for sports and social activities [6]

Well... I think you need to have lots of improvement with regard to your essay structure. Your introduction looks too lengthy.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: learning facts has more subsequent advantages for students' future lives [3]


I am convinced


... it is better if you finished the introduction with a statement that clearly states your opinion. This one is really not necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should government hold all the responsibility of society or even people are respon. [3]

I have to make two requests - First, you need to have a complete and meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a new thread. Also, you should post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. Again, it is good if you include your prompt together with the essay so that we exactly know what your prompt requests and we can accordingly align our feedbacks with it.

This is a good introduction. The only missing part is its hook. It's good if you opened it with a catchy hook.

Writing Feedback / Agree/ Disagree -Financial education should be a mandatory component of the school program [4]


I feel this sentence provides a better hook for your essay. So, you should have opened the essay with this line.


This is a very general topic and when you provide reasons to justify your opinion, you should not narrow down your scope. Give the reason in general context and then give a specific example to support that reason. In your example you can narrow it down to Vietnam. For example;

First, in this globalized world, children often have to stay away from their parents for educational reasons. In such situations, a prior knowledge in handling their own finances is a great benefit. For example, many students in Vietnam study in cities that are far away from their homes.

Undergraduate / Being such a versatile person... Georgia Tech Supplement: WHY GA Tech and contribution [2]


Well... Except for the sentences I have highlighted, the rest sound mostly like statements you make. They don't provide the reader with convincing facts for the question that they have asked. I feel you should do a little bit more research on Georgia Tech and find its features that are appealing to you. Then you present them here and show the readers how they can help you with achieving your short and long term goals.

Writing Feedback / I live in beautiful Vietnam; My Country [4]

I think you better improve the structure. In the introduction give a short description about Vietnam's geography, its people, its economy (agriculture etc.), history etc. Then move into body paragraphs and talk about each of those in detail. For example, the first body para will talk about Vietnam's beautiful sites. Then the second body para will deal with its people. There you can talk about the languages spoken, religions they follow etc. etc. Of course you can say they are very friendly too... I have been to your country and I love it. It's one of the most beautiful places I have been and I love Vietnamese people. They are so friendly :D

Writing Feedback / I live in beautiful Vietnam; My Country [4]


... peaceful means there is no terrorism. So, "terrorism" becomes redundant by the word "peaceful".
I live in Viet Nam which is a peaceful, happy, friendly and beautiful country.


Viet Nam is an agri-based country with many green paddy fields covering large parts of the country.

Writing Feedback / Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged- IELTS [12]

First, you should open all your IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum.


Furthermore, it is used in every aspect of our daily routine.

Writing Feedback / Negative effects of small vehicles; Persuasive Essay [2]

What would be the first thing an immigrant would notice aboutin Toronto?


There is no doubt, it is Toronto's wealth; large number of factories, businesses, houses, streetlights etc.


Although Canada itself is an expensive place to live, Toronto comes on top being the most expensive city.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;A government's role is only to provide defence capability and urban infrastructure [2]


... Why did you have a capital "I" for that word (irrespective)?
The primary function of every government is to provide the citizens with basic needs irrespective of their social status or any other differences.


Well... I find your introduction does not properly introduce your topic.