Undergraduate / human evolution - Does this essay sound too much like a rant? [7]


Agreed, you need to focus on "my background, my experiences, and my community" and pound examples into the officer.

I see how you need to focus on dream, but


is largely unconnected. Try incorporate how the impact your family had on you shaped your dreams.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]


Wow, an athlete (and football) on top of a computer geek! (sorry for using this work, but I love computer science as well :D)

Well, good luck, I'm actually writing the same essay now haha.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the best advise and given - feedback [3]


Sorry, but I don't see anything about talent mentioned in the prompt... maybe I missed it?


It's assumed that the "best" here refers to advice, so the second part is actually : what's the best advice you've ever given, not what's the best performance.

Sorry if I'm wrong, just trying to help.

Writing Feedback / What is Swadhyay? [3]

Sorry, what's the prompt?

Is this a college essay? if it is, it needs to be more personal.

Can't help you beyond that considering the little info you provide.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]


True, they'll accept it, but if you want to have a fair chance at the college, you gotta make them LOVE it.

On Collegeboard, there's also an essay that talks about dating, check it out!

Undergraduate / "I love languages" - Multilingualism [5]

Haru21, no need to panic, editing essays is an inherent part of the process. I personally got an essay (that I thought was pretty good, and that my current english teacher thought was good) DESTROYED by my 10th grade Harvard grad english teacher. So I had to rewrite.

Remember, they want to know about what you think, not necessarily about the events in your life. So talk about your THOUGHTS. your INSIGHTS. WHY IS MULTILINGUALISM important!

I had the chance to live in Canada, so I speak Chinese, French, and English, and I recognize the joy in that. But that doesn't make me special. See, many can speak different languages and enjoy it, but it's not because of that that you are in anyway different. You need to show HOW YOU ARE DIFFERENT.

1 way to go: discuss in depth the cultures that link to the languages to show your inherent understanding of them.

Or, you could discuss how you learned these and the difficulties you went thru. Not just how hard they are, but how much stress they put on you PSYCHOLOGICALLY (of course, you could add hardworking in that)

Or, you could talk about the things you want to do with these languages: I have these languages and am ambitious heart, and they influenced me into becoming this kind of person, wishing to do these kinds of things.

O, and don't scatter your thoughts by trying to cover all the languages you know. Focus on some that you really like.

Think about this topic in depth, the possibilities are limitless.

Courage.

Undergraduate / Prompt 2- "to honor the life of a departed friend" [9]


lol your intro does have that effect

To answer your question, NO it wouldn't fit in the second one. This prompt feels to me like they really want to know what's good about you, a quality or achievement, so I recommend that you save this essay for another topic, maybe the common app one describing an important person, or else you'd have to rework it to underline your strength.

But honestly, it feels that you pretty much hated this experience, so I wouldn't recommend a rework, it will feel forced.

Undergraduate / USC Essay: Not So Fun Water Slide. [5]


Depends on how you view it. If you want power in your essay, then make your essay fast paced and keep hooking the reader. If you want poetry in your essay, then this serves the point, but kills the momentum a bit. So it's up to you.

Again, I would rework on the conclusion because it doesn't fit with the rest of the story in which you CLEARLY said how much you love your bro, which is the topic.

Otherwise, well written and organized, and nice story.

Writing Feedback / Spirits and rituals concept essay [7]

Not gonna lie, didn't understand most of it...but the admin might.


so it's not a college essay?
If it's not, then I take back ALL my comments.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Writing (desire to write) [11]

I care about is upset, and ; so I use

for him, and . The

that is rare for me to find in anything else - that I rarely find in anything else

share my characters - characters, you mean novel characters? or your personality?

Much better, we feel WHY you want to write, and that's beyond simply saying that you want to write.

There is a 500 word limit, I presume?

Undergraduate / "judgement awaited me" - Boston University essay 1 [2]


Wayy too presumptuous. Honestly, when they read your essay, they will think of you as a nobody, until you can prove otherwise. And this statement WILL MAKE THEM THINK OF YOU AS A ARROGANT BRAT.


Are you mother theresa? Don't try to sound like a philanthropist, when you are clearly an immature (pardon the word, but that's how admission officers consider ALL OF US) teenager not yet in college.


The mother again...honestly, unless you are a 30 year-old applying for college, I really can't picture you as a mother. Perhaps as the "serious" student council president, but definitely NOT a mother. You don't have the credential to say that.

Procrastination has taught me that if I work hard, I can play later. - nice reverse psychology here.


You're too hardworking... have you heard of one of the mistakes NOT to do when applying for a job? Never say: I can't help it, I just work too hard. Do you know how hard these admission officers work this period of time? they have to pretty much read thousands and thousands of essays A DAY. don't remind them of too much hard work.

---
Alright, the good news, you answered the prompt. You did provide three adjectives. However, no support. We learn that you are motherly because you help others...so? I help others too, am I fatherly?

again, never say too hardworking. Simply saying that you are a very responsible person is fair enough, support that by examples of your hard work in school and such

Finally, last paragraph has 0 concrete examples. You are ambitious. HOW? The doubt thing is very confusing, and ambitious doesn't mean overcoming doubt. Ambition is a vision, big dreams. Talk about them.

O also, problems with quotes and punctuations. Get a review from a teacher before you submit.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement -- Dancing to Latin Pop [2]

you are more apt to notice times - avoid the use of "you"

amount of reading for lit - a bit informal, spell out lit, remember you audience. (they are most likely ivy graduate with an english degree, and middle aged)

Simon, lies - no need for comma

My hips don't lie. - I get your goal, but try to incorporate that in the previous sentence. It's awkward since you directly move to singing.

I sing along to the music - take out "to", or "along". yea, take out along since you used it in the last segment.

like your JH reference

Mozart as well.

Length? no worry, it's an extra essay anyway, it embodies your "specialty"

Undergraduate / Common App: Monkey Children. [2]

My palms gathered sweat and my heart raced to an uneven beat. - You really like doing that, don't you; Chinese culture perhaps?

winced softly - wince means flinch, you can't flinch softly. Winced by itself is enough

Haha, I know a JenJen 2

What Ms. Clarke doesn't know... won't hurt her. - I'm a fan of ... but you don't really have to follow that. However, either put the ellipses, either nothing, it's a comma splice as it is.

what have you learned? what is its impact? exactly, you are missing the prompt.

from what i understood, it's either
1. you learned a new way of getting attention
2. you learned how to handle kids

Honestly, the event is very nicely described, but you could cut some elements that do not pertain to the prompt. After reading your essay, I don't know who you are. HOW did you figure out how to make the kids behave? Is that your only point?

Your water slide essay is much more focused, we clearly sense your care for your brother. Here, it's just an experience. nothing else. Unless you SPECIFY why this is so important.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]


Definitely agreed, colleges honest don't want anybody who are undecided. Pick an interest. Answer the topic. Or else why would you want to apply to this specific college?


Whaddo you mean by recruited?

Undergraduate / Short Answer------Rock Band [2]

shake - shaked
It was never a thing that I have to treat with an attitude, but already a part of myself. - awkward phrasing. the dependent clause and the subject in the independent clause matches weirdly.

First show, it was excited and nervous. - our first show was...

It took time for running-in between the instruments and between the teammates.

There are wrinkling - were

the calluses - no need for the

Second show, it was familiar and confident. - Our second show became...

Still messy was the rehearsal room; still peaceful was the old studio. - really awkward phrasing, perhaps change "was" will make it sound better?

Third show, it was tacit and calm. - try to find a verb here that shows an evolution
was - became - ?

---
Overall, great short answer. You captured your EA well. A quick check with an english teacher will suffice.

Undergraduate / Cornell - take full advantage of the opportunities [5]

Nicely written, I like how you weave your own "handicap" (if I should call that) to to fact that you like genetics. Makes it very personal.

Even the list of required classes for the program, ranging from Speciation to Developmental Neurobiology, further excited my intellectual interests in genetics - when you use even, further is unnecessary.

With a program of study that taught through discussion and research rather than the old-fashioned textbook approach, - I know you assumed that it's true, but maybe put some examples? just by visiting their website you could add more details. They want to see your research on them particularly, even if you already put the classes required.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Writing (desire to write) [11]

This essay is definitely an improvement. Sorry for being harsh before, but that's how my english teacher transformed my essay

Ok from what I see now, your intro is vague and only serves as a appetizer, so cut it down to 2-3 sentences.

Add to what you REALLY WANT to talk about. maybe about how people's reactions make you feel? Your evolution as a writer?

Anyway, it's much better, but still needs development on the parts that matter.

hope that helps

Undergraduate / USC Essay: Not So Fun Water Slide. [5]

My younger brother broke the awe that I was in by rapidly slipping off his shirt and dashing into the water. - awkward phrasing

As the number of rocks in my hand deteriorated - not deteriorated, try decreased or diminished

I looked up to see no younger brother splashing in the water. - I looked up and didn't see my younger brother in the water

I scanned the area my brother had been in - add with anguish

Streams of hot tears flowed like cascades of a waterfall down into the rushing water. - unnecessary, just make you sound erudite

Means of communication was cut-off - unclear. I couldn't talk. maybe?

I remained determined and before I knew it , - with an immense amount of luck.

shallow surface of the water - shallow water is enough

conclusion fits more like a risk you've taken. Try incorporate how although what you did was stupid, you rushed because you realized that your brother was the most important thing to you, even more than your own life.

Undergraduate / Prompt 2- "to honor the life of a departed friend" [9]

Sorry to disappoint you, but

"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

I just don't see how this is an accomplishment or how this makes you proud.

Unless you focus much more on how you overcame this incident. Because it seems to me that you simply learned stuff... that unfortunately don't have to do with the actual event.

True, you could learn to enjoy life or to have a thirst of learning or to appreciate your friends more after the accident, but WHY? Focus on your inner thoughts, less on the results. Say what did you ACTIVELY do to learn these things.

A teacher asked me a couple of weeks ago: Learned many things? I can do that at a lemonade stand. So why was your experience more valuable than that? More didactic?

I enjoy reading your intro, but unless you figure a way to directly answer the prompt and keep it real and smooth, it will just be another essay.

Undergraduate / 'Excuse me, is your mom home?' - common app essay~ [7]

No, this essay is PERFECT for admissions, it's not only written in an unique way, it also gives a fair image of your independent self.

Also, this essay keeps the reader interested, and that's really all you want to do. I mean, the reader can stop at ANY point and move on (remember his pile of 5k other essays). But your essay captures the reader, and that's valuable.

Can you post some of your other essays? I really enjoy reading them.

Undergraduate / "flight to Budapest" - UC Prompt 2 HELP [3]

There are some tense issues, either make it all past, or all present.

Until the second paragraph the reader has NO IDEA what you are talking about. You should probably mention water polo in your intro.

You sure that "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." is the topic?

You should probably focus on this topic. I know you talked about water polo and Hungarians, but how does that reflect on the life you come from?

Either really bring it back to your world, or change a topic.

Hope that helps.

Undergraduate / UC2: The piano, a song in many different ways [2]

Like life seems an awkward phrasing.

"But each song requires..."

Instead of reversely, "Or" is more concise.

"trying to figure out their own way", antecedent of their is one, so his/her own way.

"may go about it", make it more formal. about playing piano?

Instead of talking about being a pianist, maybe you could change your thesis to ways of playing a song? Because it seems to me that your essay doesn't focus on the process of you playing the piano, but rather how a song reflects on your life.

If I got it right, then you could make your intro much more poetic, reflecting on how songs are ways of living.

Hope that helps.

Undergraduate / 'Excuse me, is your mom home?' - common app essay~ [7]

form-->from

some comma split errors.

"You should talk to me if you got some business." might make you sound like a rude person, maybe:
"Is there anything you need? I can take care of everything by myself."

Otherwise, WOW, powerful essay. This is actually one of the few college essays I've been touched by (Not even my own). Great job, really.

Great development, very special. A few mistakes that could easily be fixed through an english teacher.

Where is this essay going to? An Ivy I imagine?

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Writing (desire to write) [11]

What about: Yet staring at that blank sheet was beginning to drive me desperate.

Ok the transition from second and third is a bit harsh. What happened that day in your third grade? Did you do well? Did you write a masterpiece?

(Even if nothing happened that day, MAKE SOMETHING!) It had to be special for you to be so impacted right?

Definitely add more detail. You can't just turn in something that illustrate what you enjoy doing, that's NOT the topic.

Is it personal quality? HOW? Is it talent? HOW? What makes writing special to you? If it's to see the reaction of others, TALK ABOUT IT.

The fourth paragraph comes from nowhere. I understand why you put it, but it needs some kind of link before it.

** tells the admin about NOTHING from you. Honestly:
Since I began to write, I have observed people more carefully so that I can better understand human emotions and as a result, make my characters more realistic. It has given me a love for detail and patience, and helped me develop a broader perspective of the world so that I can look at all sides of situations.**

Lemonade stand: Since I began to sell lemonade ... See? I can fit your paragraph IN ANY SITUATION.

Sorry for being so harsh, but writing HAS to be special to you, and you HAVE to show how it is special.

This essay needs much more development, and FOCUS ON ONE THING, instead of going all over the place.

The prose is fine though.

Undergraduate / "I love languages" - Multilingualism [5]

haha your essay greatly reminds me of my own essay on diversity.

Although your essay is very nicely written with many details, it doesn't conform to the topic. Talk about a "personal quality" HOW THAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU. It's great to say that it's important "My English culture is just as important" but it has to be more than "as it melts all the other nationalities into one common language".

It's not about how many languages you learned, but how these changed you or shaped your view on the world.

I can see that it's rushed because it's only a bunch of events and no real thinking. The reader doesn't get your psychology. As my english teacher said "You can either turn this in, or a real essay that will give you a fair chance at the college".

Undergraduate / 'My hero is no James Bond.' PURA VIDA! Common app essay [8]

Nice prose, but some thematic problems:

The fact that "He was enjoying the life he was given" doesn't mean that "there was nothing I could do to change the past year". Think about it this way: You said that the child was happy because he doesn't think that his life sucks. But you are NOT HAPPY because you screwed up your grades. These are two completely different things and cannot be used as analogies.

I understand that you want to talk about how past doesn't change the future, but the analogy to the boy doesn't truly support your point.

My suggestion is that you take out the example of your grades, and instead talk about more emotionally significant struggles, then wrap up reflecting on how that experience showed you that no matter what problems you have, as long as you keep an optimistic heart and a "Pura Vida"

Condensing? It's pretty easy. Second paragraph contains largely unnecessary details about the 99cents shoes and stuff. Just keep the place and some of the background info.

Third and fourth paragraphs could be made into one. Is your focus on the event? or the circumstances of these kids? I take it that you should emphasize more on the circumstances of these kids, and yet they are still happy.

Add a fourth paragraph describing some of the things YOU went through and how this person changed you.

Final paragraph: Cut everything you have about your grades.

Hope that helps.

Undergraduate / No matter where I would be placed, I would always be Persian. An experience of cultural difference [5]

Food is really a great way of unifying cultures. I like the fact that you focus a lot on the details because it shows your perceptive nature. However, you emphasize perhaps too much on mere facts. Wouldn't it be nice if you talked about why cultures do that?

"green tea is the Chinese favorite" Why? Talk about the origins of green tea and the difference between that and black tea.

Also, you don't want your essay to sound like a culinary lesson. Balance your observations with analysis.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

First, you should be careful about the topic of dating. You don't want to make it sound too much like a mistake, especially when you said "We still liked each other, but just weren't able to make things work. " So give up? Colleges want students who makes things work, not give up at first trouble.

Also, the Einstein intro was completely irrelevant, except that it reflects back to the prompt, which you don't really have to do. You didn't give any reason for why Einstein was wrong, and the analogy doesn't fit with the rest of the story.

Start with the date, and provide some more insight on how it changed you. Focus on things you tried to work it out, don't sound like a person who easily gives up.

Also, your 3rd and last paragraph doesn't really match with the rest. You said that you always avoided dating, so how was that "sugar coated mistakes"? I understand that you are referring to the amorous letters and such in the beginning, but it could be confused.

Also "I learned that in any situation in life, it is important to have control of your senses and behave rationally." Did you ever lose control?

Undergraduate / "I arrived to a place of opportunities" - college essay prompt 1 for uc [2]

Overall opinion: make some paragraphs, ask an English teacher to revise your essay, check your quotation marks/other punctuations

"but life always had obstacles that my family hasn't been able to overcome"

The essay is very real, but please incorporate some insight. Immigration is a very common theme, so expect many essays like yours. If you want to stand out, write what you thought about the process, not just what happened. You need to focus on your personal thinking.

What makes you different isn't that you had struggle. I mean, me too, I had struggle and I immigrated two times. If you didn't overcome those, then why are you even applying to UC? They don't want to know that you did whatever you did at school, but HOW you did it. HOW were you changed?

Remember, thousands of immigrants apply there.

Undergraduate / Medical knowledge, Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay [3]

Love the word unbeknownst, never knew it before!

ssuraj is right in that you need to focus on the school more "we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here"

Don't talk so much about the process, but more about why, which you defined in the second paragraph.

Also, it would be good to make a separate paragraph before "That day..."

Do some research and incorporate some of JH's unique programs, they love to see that you visited their website!

Writing Feedback / Spirits and rituals concept essay [7]

Sorry bro, you need to add a lot more than philosophy. The people who read this are most likely very logical philosophers, so don't try to impress them with mild theories.

Talk about what you think of this.

O, please don't use you's.

PS Are you sure that you wrote this? Why would you talk about menstruation? It's pretty much straight out of a philosophy or religious book.

Undergraduate / Racism-issue of local, national, or international importance. [3]

Powerful essay, but beware that racism is a controversial topic and might play against you.

Why does my skin color or my religion change a person's outlook on who I really am?:
cut off religion, nothing to do with racism.

Since 9/11, life has changed completely.
Whose life?

You talk big about what we should do, but mark that racism is a problem even Obama has to be careful about it, don't just spout what we need to do, since you really don't have any credibility. I completely understand your position, but what right do you have, as a senior who hasn't really experienced ANYTHING, spout big ideas of how the world needs to behave?

Talk for yourself. Say what YOU can do, or will do. Tell YOUR big plans. Please don't sound like a philanthropist when all you've done is pretty much nothing.

PS I have nothing against you personally, but I was criticized for pretty much the same essay, on a different topic.

Undergraduate / I have taken many journeys devoid ; Carnegie Mellon- Why?/ Major [8]

FOCUS ON THE TOPIC.

the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know

please mention each college or program you are applying to.

These are the things you need to focus on, not the Pittsburgh, or the Ivy education

Unless I missed it (pardon), although you mentioned work plans, you didn't really specify what exactly you want to do. My suggestion is that you say what major you want to be in, then talk about why --> through the work plans.

And the faculties and such are great, but it's unnecessary, unless you mention the specific college or program and discuss why using the faculty.

Undergraduate / UC2: Multilingualism (I just need a yay or a nay for the red parts) [3]

So what happened to your spanish class?

Well, if the only part you need to be criticized upon is the 2 red paragraphs, lose them. At first, I thought they are quite nice, but then your attention shifted (a bit too harshly) to the "experience" of your C, so these paragraphs that defines your "personal quality".

It's hard to describe both "quality" and "experience".

O and your soap opera reference could be considered in two ways:

1. distracts the essay, kills momentum.
2. funny relief.

Depending on how you consider it, keep it or not.

Undergraduate / Mission Trip in Nicaragua- UC Prompt#2 [4]

Sorry, your focus is an experience that led to a concern and how it impacted you, not how it defines you.

Instead of talking about poverty/lack of resource, you should focus on what you did and why that was significant.

I bet you just changed a bit the common app essay to fit here? Although nicely written, it needs some major revision to really answer the prompt.

Undergraduate / human evolution - Does this essay sound too much like a rant? [7]

No offense to you personally, but no admission officer wants to hear how bad you consider your family.

You can incorporate that, but making it your main point is very negative. Instead, couldn't you talk about how you studied for others and an event made you realize how ridiculous that is? From that point, you were transformed.

They like transformations.

Undergraduate / Cornell application essay for Arts and Sciences - interest writing [9]

Great essay, really. I'm applying to the same college, except I want to go for Econ major.

It's very nicely written and most likely will have a positive influence on the officer. Honestly, as a immigrant I can't write like you, so I mostly composes essays that reflects my inner thoughts in a less fashionable way.

The only thing I have to point out is that you don't want to simply overwhelm the reader. What if the reader is an english major? You are focusing a bit too much on the things you read, and although you cleverly incorporate your thoughts on different writers and works, it's not completely obvious what impact they really have on you, except that they fascinate you.

By the way, your style matches with a guy I know, he likes fanciful writing a lot.

Undergraduate / "from Singapore to Shanghai" - Apply Texas ESSAY [3]

Try getting a teacher to edit it, it contains a few punctuation errors.

Apart from that, it's true that it should be more reflective, you want to talk about how it impacted you inside, so focus a bit more on your disappointment, and on how he gave you psychological support vs physical support.

Writing essay in itself is a perseverance :D

Undergraduate / massive Earthquake on May 12th 2008, Apply texas essay B [2]

My comments might be a bit harsh and perhaps you are guaranteed acceptance with the 10% rule, so take it or not.

Your essay is a bit off topic. The topic requires that "you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation." not what you have done.

Therefore, you should mainly focus on why did the sichuan earthquake impacted you, and how it moved you to do what you do. Not just by saying, I was very touched, therefore... but by talking in depth about how exactly it influenced your psychology.

Perhaps the second part of your essay, you can talk about the things you did, but beware of the topic, try to not use a topic to aggrandize yourself.