Undergraduate / Working at Movie Theater; COMMON APP - WORK EXPERIENCE [3]

I like it! The only thing is, what makes working at a movie theater with coworkers different than working somewhere else with coworkers. What values has working taught you? What's it like interacting with movie-goers (That could connect to the diversity theme you are trying to emphasize)? Remember, the main goal is to emphasize the work part of your work experience.

Undergraduate / My Sandpaper Palms / COMMON APP - ELABORATE ON one activity [3]

Interesting activity, and well-written. You have a lot of characters left, so try and elaborate on what this job has taught you that is important to you, that you will take with you to college and beyond.

Undergraduate / Leaving the Tribe; Common App/ Parting between two people [6]

I understand that you're trying to write a very artistic poem here, and it is very poetic. Very poetic. I have no idea what you're talking about. I feel like the admissions people are asking you to describe a time when you had to leave someone, and explicitly explain the thoughts and emotions that were running through you during and after.

Undergraduate / Have you ever been to the moon? / Harvard Supp/ Letter to roommate [7]

huffingtonpost.com/marjorie-hansen-shaevitz/college-admissions-essays_b_1536119.html

Your essay probably wasn't meant to be similar, but if the people reading your essay have seen something formatted like this, best case scenario: They won't be impressed by the originality you were trying to convey and worst-case scenario: They'll suspect plagiarism.

Undergraduate / "Never had technology much'' / Common App Activity Writing [4]


This is 848 characters (minus the word "technology"). So I would try to do these things.

1. Instead of saying "technology", give one or two specific examples that struck you initially (If you talk about living on a farm, then say "I entered a new world filled with cars and television", they'll understand that you're talking about technology)

2. You said that your knowledge expanded after doing all of those things. The people reading your essay will want to know what you've taken from this activity besides knowledge or the cliched determination, teamwork, etc. What insight has volunteering their given you about technology and its importance to society? How has your experience impacted you or your goals for the future? I would take out the last sentence and replace it with something that answers one of those questions. I know you're trying to convey your curiosity and excitement about exploring the unknown regions of technology, but that statement is kind of obvious;.

Overall, it's well-written and an interesting activity. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - It's more about my personal philosophies than experiences. [3]

Before you move on to a conclusion, I suggest that you really think about your essay. It comes across as a little vague and leaves me with many questions. How has your philosophy developed? What events have shaped it? The things you wrote don't say much about what you do in a day or what goals you have for the future, or how you apply your philosophy to real life.

Undergraduate / I wanted to my own mark in the world; Common App [4]

First of all, you are a very good writer, and your story is both touching and extremely powerful.

Some small things:

1. While you definitely hook readers with your opening sentences, I ended your essay wanting to know a little bit more about who you were so by the time I finished, I would know more about how your experiences had helped you grow.

2.


I don't really understand that imagery. Also, where was your brother? Was he with you in the waiting room? At the house when you came home?

3.


I just wanted to say that while it's obvious you did many things, the way they're formatted in such a long sentence make your busyness seem exaggerated. Talk less about all the things you did and more about how you felt about doing them (whether it was frustrating that you had less time to relax, whether it was difficult to cope with the stress and how all the relaxing things you did helped you persevere). I would suggest removing some of the items in red, just because some of them could fall under one topic like "paying bills" or seemed a little out of place in your list.

I'm also left with the question, "Was wasn't anyone there to take care of you or help you with those things?"

4.


Is this a different boyfriend? Also, the sentence about your purpose changing seems a little out of place in your essay.

Overall, excellent essay. I'm sorry that you had to experience such terrible things, and I hope everything works out for you, college-wise and beyond. Good luck!

Undergraduate / I come from a diverse background; U Colorado/ How you enrich Colorado community? [4]

You have to talk more about what makes you diverse and less about winning your poetry contest, because even though it says that you're very creative, it does not say what customs and beliefs make you unique.

Undergraduate / MIT essay // Most significant challenge // Father's alcoholism [14]


I interpreted you riding your bike as a metaphor/parallel to your situation with your father (riding a bike is something you had to struggle with but the experience has made you wiser and able to move past the initial struggle, it's kind of a rite of passage and being successful means that you have grown up, it represents you moving forward and not being slow or hesitant about life, etc.)

Undergraduate / Distant cousins? I have never heard of them/ Boston college essay [6]

I don't know what prompt this is supposed to be answering...

In his novel, Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann writes:

"We seldom know what we're hearing when we hear something for the first time, but one thing is certain: we hear it as we will never hear it again. We return to the moment to experience it, I suppose, but we can never really find it, only its memory, the faintest imprint of what it really was, what it meant."

Tell us about something you heard or experienced for the first time and how the years since have affected your perception of that moment.

Is it this?

I would take out all the words in red and just go into describing your cousins, then talk about how their being different affected you or how you and your cousins saw past your differences.

Undergraduate / MIT essay // Most significant challenge // Father's alcoholism [14]

I like your story and your writing style, but try to avoid blaming your father for all these different circumstances and focus more on what they taught you.

Undergraduate / These trend words would be in our minds; NYU/What intrigues you? [3]

As long as you emphasize that trending slang is a method of communication and describe what those words mean to you, your school, or our entire generation, it should fit the prompt.

Undergraduate / To show the world that "We Exist"is my vision ; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual Vitality [8]

This essay does a much better job of giving me a sense of who you are! The only thing I would suggest is a little more organization. You jump from your love for sports to your tendency to try new things to your favorite games and films to this sports anecdote again. I know that you want to give your "roommate" as much information about you as possible. However, telling three or four of the most important things about you, then using the essay to elaborate on them, will be a lot more effective.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / To show the world that "We Exist"is my vision ; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual Vitality [8]

I'm not really seeing much of you in this essay. Tell us why it's so important to provide minorities with your program, the struggles that made you so passionate about equaling the playing field. Tell us how you discovered SMASH and how the support system you took from it helped you personally. Connect this idea to what is important to you, what you will take with you to college and beyond.

Undergraduate / USC Engineering suppliment essay. degrees Benefit to society, and am I a nerd? [3]

You need to delete the sentences about how you are unsure of how your major will benefit society and focus your essay around your last sentence. Elaborate on the kinds of catastrophes from which you want to protect the population, and describe how discoveries in astronomy and engineering have already indicated that there may have been life on other planets. Right now, I'm getting a lot of knowledge about your field, but not enough passion or information about what matters to you.

You don't answer the question; the choices are "nerd", "geek", or "neither". You should pick one and elaborate accordingly.

Hope that helped, and good luck!

Undergraduate / Experiences of a Russian American (WIP) // 3 short essays for MIT [5]

Love them! Full of personality and very eloquently written! Good luck.

Undergraduate / What intrigues you ? New York University Essay - I need some inspiration [3]

Only you know the answer to that question. It could be pretty much anything (try to avoid people though). Just write about how you came to know about it, how it impacted you, and why it intrigues you.

Undergraduate / I grew up in hospitals; Common App Essay/ topic of your choice [4]

I love it! Captivating and it says a lot about you...

Undergraduate / "To be or not to be" ;UPenn Supplement Essay [3]

One word: thesaurus. People reading college essays hate them. Put some more emotion into your essay by taking some of the big words out.

Undergraduate / Activity Essay for Common App (personal essay); 'three 1-week work experience placements' [3]


Try: For a work experience placement run during school, I spent a week working with Birmingham's landscape architecture group.

Try to talk less about what you did and more about how your experience changed you. Besides conversational skills, did your experience ignite a passion for architecture? How did it feel building something that would help people? Stuff like that...

Undergraduate / It's true, though, me being "unfocused"; Stanford (Intellectual Vitality Essay) [4]

I love your writing style; it's engaging and your personality really shone through. I would have to agree with linting2012 that your "unfocused"-ness combined with calling your teacher an old hag implies that a. You can't follow directions (They are necessary sometimes) and/or b. You can't respect authority/people who have views that are different from yours.

Undergraduate / Wellesley College supplement, why Wellesley? - Mona Lisa Smile [5]

You can do a lot of expanding on this first paragraph. How does the scenery of the college create a radiant community where women strive? You need to talk about more than its beauty. You said that Wellesley is all the way on the other side of the world for you. Where do you live? What does your male-dominant conservative culture look like? I'm thinking Saudi Arabia? Why do you feel so strongly about proving your worthiness as a woman? There are a lot of women's colleges in America; what made you choose this one?


What messiness are you referring to, and how will campus activities make sense of it?


What kinds of math games do you like? "Geek" is considered a negative term, so I would change that word. How will solving math problems glorify your gender?

I can tell that you have a lot of pride in your gender and a lot of passion for math and economics, but this essay comes across as very generic. Tell us more about you than you do about Wellesley.

Undergraduate / Academic interests/ What intrigues you?: NYU Supplements! [4]

I agree with DrS.

For your first one, what made you interested in biology? In medicine? Why does neonatology in particular appeal to you? How has your school career made you certain that these are the things you want to pursue?

For the second one, why does the Internet intrigue you more than anything else? How often do you use the Internet? For what? How does your interest in the Internet shape you? What have you done with your interest? How will you use it in college and with a career?

Undergraduate / "A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies" ; University of Chicago [6]

qasderwdw is definitely right about the descriptive language, and unfortunately, about the topic. Colleges don't want to hear how much you struggled with the essay. Dig deeper than that. If your fear was a person, what would it say? Why are you so afraid of being rejected? Imagine the worst-case scenario. What times has it popped up before you had to write the essay?


The battles between these enemies created stories, movies, etc. What has your battle with your fear produced?

Scholarship / DESCRIBE YOURSELF. B CREATIVE - Trustee's Scholarship Personal Statement [9]


I get that you're "free and creative", adaptable to new situations, and compassionate.


Yes


It needs a little fleshing out to connect the things that you're saying, but you definitely write well.


[quote=qasderwdw]When I was five years old, I left my familiar world of Kimchi, Choco Pies , and Korean candy to be thrown into an unpredictable world(Why?) . Since then, I have been constantly challenged by a sequence of moving and adjusting. Such abrupt changes in environment brought confusion and fear, but it also rewarded me with a wealth of experience that molded me into who I am now.

(The five paragraph format is a bit anti-creative used like this. Instead of saying that changes brought confusion and fear, try opening with a story of the first time you moved and describe the experience so readers will imply those things. Also, you don't necessarily want to sum up your essay with the last sentence of this paragraph; you want the reader to keep reading.)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Hailing from the most southern tip of Texas ; Why Yale? [8]

I like what you started with... Keep going! What major are you interested in and why? What extra-curricular activities? To keep it unique, just talk about how growing up in Texas made you who you are and why your passions and values match up to Yale.

Undergraduate / Macarons and baking; Topic of your choice/Common Application [2]

The part about smelling salt in the marshes is a bit random; I'd take it out.

Overall, you have a very eloquent style of writing, and I like the story. If you included more about your background with baking and why it's so important to you, and what unique things baking teaches you besides hard work and dedication, this will make a very solid essay!

Undergraduate / Nigeria needs to go with the flow of the tide:Illinois Urbana Champaign essay [4]

It's a pretty well-written essay, but how would you use computer science to help your country? In what ways would work become more efficient and easier?

Undergraduate / The day you were born was the best day of my life: Common App [7]

It does clear the air, thanks! It's a unique format, but you don't want readers to be confused about why you would have imagined yourself dying while your future son was still a baby/young child.

Your essay says a lot about your values but nothing about who you are why you are the way you are. What experiences made you feel so strongly about anger or determination?

Undergraduate / The day you were born was the best day of my life: Common App [7]

Is this a letter you imagine that your father would have written to you, or is it a letter that you imagine writing to your future son? It's creative and well-written, but this letter sounds like some kind of suicide note and it sounds a little personal to be used as an admissions essay. You want this essay to talk about YOU so the focus has to be you now, not speculating on your future family and future memories.

Undergraduate / My family and I moved in the middle of my junior year:Education Interruption [2]


It's important that you talk about how you fought to get back to better grades and relationships and how you learned to adapt; you don't want to sound like you are making excuses for doing poorly in school, especially since going to college is going to be another big transition.

Undergraduate / UIUC essay: Past circumstances and choice of major; My enthusiasm about mathematics [2]

I actually don't see any problems with this! It's engaging without being too cliched, and I could really get a sense of who you are from those paragraphs. If you want to make it sound less like a summary, I would describe one of the math battles you had with your father (description, dialogue, etc.) and then go into your essay.

One thing:


Good luck!

Undergraduate / New York City / Playground and classroom / NYU campuses - supplement questions [2]

I think if you just check the "No Additional Campuses" boxes on the supplements, you don't have to write anything for them.

Undergraduate / "Home Is Where the Grillpocalypse Is" ; why Uchicago essay [2]


I have no idea what a grillpocalypse is. How did that phrase immediately make you want to attend UChicago?


Are you implying that UChicago is not sophisticated? What are simple tastes and activities? What does your simple life look like?


Why do you strive for those things?


If you lead a simple life, why does such academic rigor interest you?



Lots of colleges have Computer Science programs. What about UChicago's program is unique? Why do you want to work at those labs or with that professor?


Why do the housing options appeal to you so much?


Where do you live? What about UChicago will make it more welcoming than another university?

Overall, I like your writing style but the essay sounds a little vague right now.

Undergraduate / I envision myself to be a one of the cornellians ; cocornell engineering essay [9]

I'm impressed! This looks a lot more cohesive, I can feel your passion for computer science a lot more, and you made a clearer connection between your love of the subject and why you would go to Yale.

Undergraduate / The bitter notes were made honeyed again; Yale Common Ap [6]

I like it; it's very poetic. The only thing is that you sometimes get so focused on the description of the piano that the words end up taking away from the image you're trying to create. You have to remember that you're elaborating on an EXTRACURRICULAR activity, so you need to emphasize that you play the piano regularly now. Also, you have to explain why this activity means so much to you. Does it help you remember your mother (My impression from the essay was that she passed away)? Was it a way of dealing with your grief or stress?

Undergraduate / Marist College short answer; be able to learn at the Poughkeepsie campus [4]

It sounds very... vague... A lot of colleges have majors, minors, and other activities, small class sizes, accessible teachers, tutoring, and study abroad programs. Even though this is an essay about Marist, it's first and foremost an essay about you. Get specific. Your sentence about the math lab was good. You said "Every major I could possibly be interested in is offered at Marist College." What are they? What do you want to learn, how do you want to learn, and how is Marist going to help you reach your fullest academic potential?

Grammatically, it looks fine to me. You write very well, and if you make your essay a little less vague, your response will stand out that much more compared to the other hundreds/thousands written in the same way.

Hope that helped!

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

For your first essay, I think you need to talk less about the prestige (colleges generally don't like to hear that you chose a college just because it was popular) or the beautiful campus and more about some extra-curricular activity or course. Lots of colleges have small class sizes; something more unique would work better.

Undergraduate / I envision myself to be a one of the cornellians ; cocornell engineering essay [9]

Overall, it's not too bad... Boringness isn't the problem, it's mostly making your ideas flow. Especially in the last two paragraphs, I started to lose the passion for computer science (?) and the drive you had for helping people. Those paragraphs sounded kind of generic. Remember, you aren't going to Yale so they can fund your project; think about what Yale stands for, and what you want to learn from them.

Undergraduate / Overcoming Shyness - Significant Challenge [4]

I like the topic of your essay, and you're a very eloquent writer, but you kind of glossed over the "challenging-ness" of your challenge through the second paragraph. For example, you could take out the worrying the night before and skip to the first time you smiled at the stranger as you walked into school. You could spend more time describing your nervousness and frustration with always being shy. Emphasize that even though you face the same shyness every time, THAT was the time when your determination was greater than your fear.

Also, the lessons you learned from your experience are true but also cliched. Talk about why it was so important to you to overcome your shyness and why it's so important to keep confronting your fears.

Some small grammar things, depending on what you want to keep:






Good luck!