Undergraduate / Switching Houses; PERSONAL NARRATIVE ESSAY [3]


What does this really mean? Do you mean that a kid would find a hotel room like a castle? I find it a bit confusing :(

Some help with your word count;


But I had to face realities that kids of my age didn't have to.


I and my brother first felt that something was wrong when our dad didn't show up for a week.


.... I don't get the latter part....
At the beginning our mom was able to hide it all from us.

Writing Feedback / Summary of Alexie's " The Joy of Reading and Writing: Superman and me" Draft [3]


Sherman Alexie wrote "The Joy of Reading and Writing: Superman and Me" with the purpose of informing his readers about the challenges he faced as a young Indian boy who was not supposed to be educated by the societal norms of that era.


... the word love gets repeated;
Also, this sentence dose not convey your idea clearly, especially the connection between his father and his love for books. You better re-phrase this line.

Undergraduate / I had only one dream : College admission [4]

It's good to include the prompt with your essay response so that others can understand what it expects. I guess this is a Personal Statement... is it?


She was diagnosed with breast cancer in the year of 2007 which took her life an year late.


... Well... I see you've got a point here, but you are going to pursue a career which was someone else's passion. Just because you love somebody, should you pursue her career passion? I think you too need some liking towards it. So, include something to say that you and she shared this same interest. Otherwise, you would not be able to convince the admission panel that you are a right candidate.

Writing Feedback / Extended family is less important than before; 'lifestyle has changed' [3]


This sentence does not provide a good entrant to your essay. In fact it is a bit confusing :(

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] need for land kept in natural condition or developed for housing, industry? [4]


.... well this sentence does not seem to me very logical. It contains too obvious things and therefore I suggest you to remove this line. Instead you could talk about a more important aspect of land, for example the scarcity of land which has given rise to many issues today. In fact that is where the real focus of your prompt lies.

Undergraduate / Depression; Questbridge/ significant experience, achievement, risk,ethical dilemma [4]


The one thing I can attribute to my success is the depression condition I suffered with.


I too feel that paul has a point. The word depression has very negative feeling and it adds a negative note to your response though you try to show it through a positive note. Why not replace the same with a word like "hardships" or "challenges" ?

Writing Feedback / In some countries, traditional food is being replaced by international fast food. [3]



.... before this line you need to discuss about the issue.

Writing Feedback / Global world changes rapidly with the influx of technology but cultural heritage never changes [3]

It's always good to include the prompt with your essay so that we know what it expects. Is this an agree/ disagree essay? If so, you need to conclude the introduction with a statement that clarifies your position.


Globalization is the process that deals with integrating different nations through international trade and commerce.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Studying the past can help us better understand present or not [4]


Every country / All countries


... this sentence is very confusing. You need to rephrase it again. Try to tell your ideas in simple manner with known vocabulary. Do not complicate your ideas with too many serious words that you are not very sure about their usage.

Writing Feedback / full time university students spend most of time studying or doing other activities [3]

First, it is always better that you mention the purpose (i.e. TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc.) in the topic so that others can align their comments with task related requirements. Also, include your prompt in the essay for us to get a clearer picture as to what it requests. I assume that this is for either TOEFL or IELTS.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Education is the main determinant of a country's future development [3]


.... What do you mean by "highest education levels"? Do you mean to say that they have better standards for education? Or more numbers of people receive education? It's not very clear :(


This comes all of a sudden without having any reference to your previous idea.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; TV has adverse effects on friends and family [4]


One of these resources is television



Well... you don't really align your writing with the prompt. It talks about how TV affects one's communication between his family and friends. Focus more on that fact and align your writing with it.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Issue on Retirement Age! Agree or Disagree? [5]


This sentence has several issues with its grammar, clarity, punctuation etc. Do not write too lengthy sentences that make you carried away at the end of the line. The first part sounds pretty confusing.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Changing something in time from the past [4]


... plural sounds better :)


First, I want fix some mistakes done in the past.


I'd like to go back to the time that I was six years old.


I'd like to go back to the time that I was six years old to fix the terrible mistake of killing three baby birds by accident.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - WRITING TASK 1 - Top internet purchase categories by country [3]

Well.... I suggest you to have this structure for your response to this task;
1. Introduction of the graph -


..this is it!
2. Overview - talk about the major trends
3. Details - Here you should discuss details with given statistics and patterns.

Undergraduate / I am proud to be a Nigerian; background or story [4]



There are some Nigerian traditions that are very different to American way of life. Although it is over one and half years that I have left my home country and started living in the USA, those traditions still live in my heart.

Writing Feedback / Artists contributions to society - Music, painting, dancing - make life colorful [3]

This is well written, but a fairly lengthy introduction. If you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS, this is too long. What's the purpose of this writing?

Undergraduate / Secrets... Everyone holds them; Arcadia University [4]

Right now, I posses one of the hugestbiggest secret thathumanityanybody has ever heard, and for once, I'll revel it... just to you.


You will have to open your mind to listen to what I'm going to say and your eyes wide open to see farther from where you are standing now.


I think Raleigh9 has got a point. Pay attention to what he suggests. I too wish if you make a fresh post here :)

Writing Feedback / Trusting everyone; CBEST/ memorable childhood experience [3]


Well... you talk little about this experience, instead you talk more about your nature of trusting others. Therefore the focus of your essay is slightly shifted. First tell the reader your story of that memorable experience and then tell what you learned out of it. There is no harm in mentioning that you were so naive and believed everybody, but do not elaborate on it too much at the beginning. Give more focus to what your prompt requests.

Writing Feedback / Gre essay review Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievement [3]


...narrowed down to what? need to specify!


Technological development alone will not help a nation to be treated as a developed nation.


Practically every electronic item we buy is made in China.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Ability to Relate Well to people Vs Studying Hard [7]

[quote=aliceNN]However, someone may maintain that good specifyspecific knowledge is more crucial for future job. Studying harder in school , getting a good resumeobtaining good credentials and absorbingacquiringlots of working knowledge, which can make these graduates more competitive than other applicants in one certain jobwhen they compete for jobs .But imagine it, a person who is good at working knowledge but has an poorly relate to people, and a person who has a good ability of relating to people but his working knowledge is less better than the former , which person do you want to be? I think majority of people would choose the former because it has more chance than the latter in terms of getting good jobs in the future.

Well... I don't say your writing is bad. You can write well, but I feel you can improve a lot on your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Whether it is better to have broad knowledge or not [2]


... I find this is not adding much value to your introduction. Finish it with stating your position. So, you can remove this line


.... This sentence is pretty confusing. I feel you need to re-phrase this one.... Also, I think you better stress on the point that when one has expertise in one particular area, it helps him win others' acceptance and confidence in him. Making friends sounds a bit immature.

Writing Feedback / Governments should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and develop [3]

... Very good introduction :)


.... why didn't you use past tense?
In the early 17th and 18th century, several diseases went undetected and without cure
Excellent writing. Wish you good luck and I feel you can easily go for a great score :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl; CITY OR COUNTRY? Which place is more appealing for living? [6]


Your prompt speaks about city and country in general. So, when introducing your prompt, don't narrow down its scope to a particular city. Use this as an example to convince the reader about your opinion.

Undergraduate / When I was fifteen I started to work at my family's pet store; Conflict in life [4]

However I began to notice that his care offor the reptiles was completely reckless,
His knowledge on reptiles was utterly wrongvery limited andor over exaggerated in order to accentuateprotect his reputation.
I feel you should have said this as your personal feeling;
I soon found that he did possess very limited knowledge about reptiles although he over exaggerated about it, merely in hope of safeguarding his reputation.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Ability to Relate Well to people Vs Studying Hard [7]


Your prompt speaks about relating to people and it talks about this from a career perspective. It is not referring to making friends. I feel this sentence goes a bit out of topic from what your prompt suggests. Give some thought about what your prompt asks. In my view, it talks about your ability to relate well with other people help you progress in your career than your qualifications. For example, if you are a highly educated person, but still if you have a wrong attitude and annoys your bosses, then you would not be able to get your promotions.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: The pie chart; People living in poverty in the UK [5]

There are three basic things you need to structure an IELTS writing task 1.
1. Introduce the graph ( The pie chart illustrates the percentage of various types of families lived in poor conditions in Britain in 2002 ) - this is it and now move on to next para;

2. Give an overview
3. Give the detail

Writing Feedback / TV Vs. Literature. GRE Analyze an Issue [2]


Throughout history, we find various efforts taken by people to record events for future references.


... before this connect your prompt with the previous idea;
These efforts include inscriptions, literature, paintings, reports, journals etc. However, as time passed by, the influence of technological advancement on such efforts have become more and more significant.

Writing Feedback / [Toelf] idea or fact? which one is important [3]



.... combine the two sentences to enhance its effect;
Why birds can fly and we cannot?

Well... you need to align your writing with your prompt. This introduction does not really introduce your topic to the reader.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Ability to Relate Well to people Vs Studying Hard [7]


Well.... this is the format I suggest for the introduction paragraph of this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: the development of technology and its implication [2]


I feel you should have a hook that relates more with your prompt.Your prompt actually talks about technology in general and it does not have special reference to computers. This is what I suggest;

Rapid advancement of technology has brought many changes into the lives of people.


... Actually, your prompt comes with just one argument and you are requested to state your position on that.

Undergraduate / l I worked as a tech at a therapy clinic; PTCAS 2013/decision making process [3]


... do you mean -
I have always known that I would never want to choose a career that requires me to sit at a desk.


.... I feel you better relate this to the previous idea;
This may be the reason why I got fascinated with careers in the healthcare field, especially after I took up the anatomy class.

Undergraduate / I was never sure of myself; UT Austin/ circumstance, obstacle or conflict [3]

I never found any peopleanybody with the same interests as me.
which was a difficult choice for me (no comma) being an introvert,


.... this part is not so clear. This is what I suggest;
I found many others who too shared my interests.

Graduate / Entire world depends on one unique concept , Communication; SLP Personal Statement [3]


Your idea does not come right :( There some grammar issues too;
In my view, the functionality of the entire world depends on one unique concept called communication.
A world where one wasis powerless to convey theirhis thoughts, emotions or needs, and the inabilityunable to share them with another individual.

Undergraduate / Witnessing my father's company bankrupt; Motivation letter for master in management [3]


My journey in search of knowledge began from early years in the university.
I burned a desireddeveloped a burning desire that I would recover my dad's heydayloss and become a successful leader on the horizon.businessman in future. ... Keep it simple and more convincing.

Undergraduate / FAMU's FUTURE FIRST GENERATION STUDENT....HOPEFULLY......ESSAY PROMPT 2 [5]



... I think you can remove this line since you have a word count constraint. This one really does not add much value for your response. Talk more about the book. Tell them the challenges you faced when writing it and what it means to you now. What sort of impact it made on your life....

Undergraduate / 'The hunger for knowledge and Victoria's secret' - transfer essay! [3]


Well... you begin your response with more structured definitions of philosophy. However, I feel you have not answered the above adequately. More than known theory, they would like to know about your interest, how it was developed and your experiences with the field. So, I feel your answer should contain more personal facts. Just give some thought for this.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze an argument. Restoration of local news and weather forecast time [4]

The author's recommendation for anto increase in the time devoted infor the coverage of local and weather news cannot be adopted due to the dearth of details presented in the argument.


However, coincident of two events not do not necessarily mean that they are linked to one another.


specifications
Due to lack of more detailed and specified information,

Writing Feedback / GRE: Arts does not needs to have the public eyes. [3]


... The word "society" is getting repeated too much. Your opinion is not very clear (highlighted sentence). I feel you better rephrase that line.


Arts do not need / Art does not need/ Art not needs .../ Art not need ...

Undergraduate / "What will I do for the rest of my life?" ; future plan [5]


What will I do in future?


Everybody asks themselves this question at some stage of their life.


I began to ask this question from me as I graduated from high school.


After many days and hours of serious thoughts and contemplation, I came up with three plans for my future; I want to win a scholarship to study abroad to become a doctor and then help orphans in my country.